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I am new to this forum, and would like to share


lonewolf63

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Hello, I am married to an asexual man, (at least he fits the description) and have read some posts that have truly given me an OMG, I totally identify moment. My SO is a very special guy, supportive, indulgent, great father, intelligent, heartbreakingly handsome, (don't want to go on ad nauseam), you get the point. He simply isn't interested in a physical relationship, never has been, never will be. I instigate the physical component 100% of the time. We have 2 little girls, naturally we had intercourse to conceive them, just didn't take as long as I would have liked. The first was conceived on the first try, the second took 5 attempts.

As a person in recovery, I realize that for the longest time I medicated myself and just didn't give a damn about the lack of sex in my marriage. I have been clean and sober for a number of years, now, and have tried to suppress my libido, but it is as active as ever. Though my SO is a wonderful guy, he is active weed smoker. This, understandably, compounds our relationship problems further, as I am in recovery, and don't like to be around people, places, and things that could take me "back out".

He won't go to counseling with me, I go alone. He also does not want to get his hormone levels checked, insisting that there is no problem there. Please, don't miscontrue, I realize from reading here that he does not have a problem with the asexuality, it is my problem. Just as with my addiction, it is my problem, not his, but it isn't easy. Wow, this isn't easy, writing about this stuff.

To be honest, I am considering getting out of the marriage, for a number of reasons, drug use, lack of physical intimacy, no longer "in love" but do have loving feelings, etc., but as I wrote before, he and I are good friends and we parent well together. I also feel very guilty for considering this, and know it won't be good for the little ones, he is such a good daddy to his girls, in spite of his pot smoking.

Does this ring true for anyone else here? This conundrum? I am really at a loss here, and don't know which way to go? I could use some sound advice from people going through the same thing. My therapist has told me to get out of the relationship. I feel so terribly alone.

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Okay lonewolf, I've been thinking about your post for a while. First, again welcome to AVEN and hope you will find info you need and share and in so doing give some of us others support.

Congratulation on being C & S ... that takes a lot of hard work ... not to mention a wee bit of assistance from HP. It's a shame your husband hasn't seen the light and decided to clean up his act with the wacky-backy. There is a growing amount of evidence that prolonged use has very serious detrimental side effects on the sex drive and ability to perform as well. Isn't it strange that one of the driving stimulii of free love serves as a deterrent ... lolol.

A friend of mine used to say, Remember HALT ... don't get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired. Her husband would add, don't get too Horney, too Antsy, too Lippy or too Thirsty. I think they both fit me. Having an Asexual spouse puts an extra burden on you when your hormones are creating a hole the size of a basketball in your midsection. Most of us sexuals married to asexuals find ways to address the physical needs, but the emotional need for affection and intimacy is still there. Sex without feelings might as well come from a prostitute or a vaccum cleaner. Those moments are when ODAAT will be essential .... sometimes it's one second at a time.

The decision to go or to stay is a tough one and your new found friends on this forum just can't make the call for you ... way too many factors that we don't know about. It's like your sobriety ... only you and your Higher Power will have that answer ... and HP may even get a little confused.

I just keep reading these threads and playing mind games with myself ... and then there is the Braun vibrator ... LOLOL.

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Walrus and Zyrlam,

Thanks for your kind words. I just wrote a bevy of words, but am figuring out the reply aspect here on this forum, so I lost my whole post.

Hmmm, need to get some work done before bedtime.

Yes, the HP is a must have, and I rely on HP for most things. I pray he takes away my desire for sex as he does my desire for substances.

I have tried to get my husband to open up and be honest with me. As for the pot smoking, he knows my feelings about that. I made a vow to myself that I will talk to him honestly before I make my final decision.

I don't want to force him to have intercourse with me. That doesn't work for either one of us. I end up in tears, dissatisfied, and with a big ole resentment. That isn't good, nor fair. ODAAT indeed. Perhaps with the onslaught of menapause my sexual urges will dissipate. I have that to look forward to. Toys, they do help.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can not give you advice on whether to divorce your asexual husband or not, only you can make that decision. However, I can tell you from my own experience that sex is just one facet of marriage and my husband also is a good Dad to our kids and he has many other good qualities. I would not want to loose our relationship over one aspect of his personhood. Many years ago after another round of counseling didn't help our sex life, I asked God to reduce my sexual desire and I believe He did. Now that I am approaching mid-life sex is not as important to me. I am now relieved to know that it's not me that he doesn't like, it's sex in general. Holding, hugging, kissing into our later years will suit me just fine!

My prayers are with you and your decision.

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