Meeting others and dating

[morgane]

hahahah DJ if you guys are asexual and untelligent beleive me the war will be bigger to accept a smart woman. will be starwars in real . as there will be no sex to end any misunderstanding :D

[BobRossRules]

i think in some cases people might be intimated by intelligence. fortunately, the people who i currently know appreciate that part about me. i consider myself lucky.

however, when i was living in the south (tennessee) it was during a time where traditional women roles (wife, homemaker, mother, etc.) were expected. women's dreams, hopes, etc. was dependent upon their husband's hopes, dreams, etc. and their job was to provide support that so "he" could be successful. most folks during that time were not accepting of non-traditional marriages. after i graduated high school and just before entering college, my grandmother encouraged me to meet a doctor to take care of me. she never encouraged me to become one myself.

i remember when i was married the first time, it was expected by pretty much everyone that i would be the one cooking, cleaning, and making babies. when i visited my x's family, it was expected that i was in the kitchen while the all men sat on their asses watching football. that really pissed me off, cuz i wanted to sit on my ass too. however, if the men were helping in the kitchen, then i would have been more than happy to help as well. it wasn't that i didn't want the help or do my part, it bothered my that it was "expected" because i was a woman.

if a group of us (families, other couples, etc.) were in the mist of a discussion and if i were to say something "intelligent" i would either get one of two responses: (1) shock, as in how in the world could i know such a thing, or (2) i was dismissed. once i moved away from the south i entered a whole new culture where intelligent and independent women were much more appreciated.

morgane, i'm not at all familiar with cultural factors that may influence the perception of intelligent women where you live.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I simply do not understand why gender roles are still so supported in TN. I see some of that here in KY but it's pretty rare. Why do the men get to be lazy in front of the TV while the women cook, clean, and serve them?

[LVG]

From my Northern perspective, it always seems like certain areas of the South are a few decades behind the rest of the country.

And if I ever dated a guy who expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning, he'd be starving and wallowing in filth.

[BobRossRules]

I don't mean to speak negative or ill of the south, but I do agree that they are behind, at least with respect to some things. I'm speaking in general and referring mainly to the masses. Obviously there are many, many bright and intelligent as well as wonderful people living in the south.

From my personal experience, however, I have never - ever experienced such....ummm let's just say limited understanding?...as I had while residing in the south. I lived all over the US, but the south kinda stands out for me personally given my disability. I'm hearing impaired and I use a guide dog. When I was living in the south, despite my guide dog being in her harness, which was obvious by the look of her that she was a guide dog, 80% of the time I was confronted with - "We don't allow no dawgs in here!" all the while store personnel are shaking their heads no and pointing to the door. Then it was a fight explaining the fact that she was a guide dog (blah blah ADA law blah blah equal access blah blah). Waiting for the store manager or being confronted by security was the norm. One time while traveling through Mississippi, I went to a Pizza Hut and I was denied service. I decided stick up for myself and I called the police. However, rather than enforcing the law, they escorted me and my guide dog off the premises.

Again while living in the south, very often I was challenged regarding my disability. I cannot tell you how many times people waved their hands mocking sign language in front of my face while asking me in a loud obnoxious manner "can you understand me now?" I can tell a million stories of this nature!! Once I moved away from the south, I have not had one single incident regarding my disability or my guide dog....not-a-one!!

[teatree]

Wow, Faraday, I can't even imagine that, WITH A GUIDE DOG, you would be told to leave, even by the police. Incredible. I am trying to learn ASL so that I can have even very basic interaction with a couple of the Deaf patients where I work.

Funny story about the roles of men and women: Once when I was at my in-laws' house, sitting in the living room (as was my then husband) minding my own business, my mother-in-law came out of the kitchen to ask ME, "Why don't you see if __ wants something to drink?" Now, if I was already in the kitchen, perhaps I would have inquired, but really, he had not expressed a desire for anything to drink, nor was I anywhere near a beverage! My response was, "Why, are his legs broken?" Oh my, not the right thing to say to a mother's first-born (and only son)!

[BobRossRules]

Funny story about the roles of men and women: Once when I was at my in-laws' house, sitting in the living room (as was my then husband) minding my own business, my mother-in-law came out of the kitchen to ask ME, "Why don't you see if __ wants something to drink?" Now, if I was already in the kitchen, perhaps I would have inquired, but really, he had not expressed a desire for anything to drink, nor was I anywhere near a beverage! My response was, "Why, are his legs broken?" Oh my, not the right thing to say to a mother's first-born (and only son)!

Oh I've been there. I remember when I first started dating my 1st husband, I was over at his house for the first time. He asked me to get him something to drink. I responded, "I'm not your slave..help yourself - this is your house!" He learned quick. However, his mother just about crapped her pants in disgust. She jumped to her feet and immediately brought him something to drink (and didn't bother asking me, a first-time guest). We were in our 20s, and she was still doing his laundry, cooking, making his bed, picking up his room, etc. - basically waiting on her precious baby hand-and-foot.

[Ace-Alex]

I don't mean to speak negative or ill of the south, but I do agree that they are behind, at least with respect to some things. I'm speaking in general and referring mainly to the masses. Obviously there are many, many bright and intelligent as well as wonderful people living in the south.

From my personal experience, however, I have never - ever experienced such....ummm let's just say limited understanding?...as I had while residing in the south. I lived all over the US, but the south kinda stands out for me personally given my disability. I'm hearing impaired and I use a guide dog. When I was living in the south, despite my guide dog being in her harness, which was obvious by the look of her that she was a guide dog, 80% of the time I was confronted with - "We don't allow no dawgs in here!" all the while store personnel are shaking their heads no and pointing to the door. Then it was a fight explaining the fact that she was a guide dog (blah blah ADA law blah blah equal access blah blah). Waiting for the store manager or being confronted by security was the norm. One time while traveling through Mississippi, I went to a Pizza Hut and I was denied service. I decided stick up for myself and I called the police. However, rather than enforcing the law, they escorted me and my guide dog off the premises.

Again while living in the south, very often I was challenged regarding my disability. I cannot tell you how many times people waved their hands mocking sign language in front of my face while asking me in a loud obnoxious manner "can you understand me now?" I can tell a million stories of this nature!! Once I moved away from the south, I have not had one single incident regarding my disability or my guide dog....not-a-one!!

Hi araday

I'm surprised with the negative responses with your guide dog. That would not be allowed in the UK. Assistance dogs are allowed in most places where is practical. Many places are dog friendly for normal pets they can be taken in pubs and hotels and some shops.

Obviuosly not food shops.

[daveb]

Faraday, that's horrible about the treatment with your guide dog (and illegal) and your hearing disability! Also, those kinds of motherly demands and expectations about women seeing to the men's needs. Those cases from Faraday and teatree sound like the mothers were overly motherly towards their sons. Probably not so much towards any daughters (much less, daughters-in-law!). In my family responses like "are your legs broken?" would be appropriate or at least laughed over. My dad (and probably a couple of my brothers) might expect some "service", but my mother and sisters wouldn't stand for it. I mean, they'll be good hostesses, to every guest, regardless of status or gender.

Oh, but just recently my sister told me how she was visiting the city where my brothers, mother, father, etc., live. They were going to go out to a restaurant for dinner. My dad was not feeling well so he gave my oldest/older brother money to pay for the dinner. At the end of the meal as my brother pulled out the money to pay for the meal my mother said something about how he will/would make a good patriarch for the family (which seemed like an uncharacteristic statement from my mother). I don't know if my mother knew where the money came from. As my sister related this to me my response was "Oh, god, no!" (similar to my sister's thoughts on it). She said to me "down with the patriarchy" and I replied "I'm with you, sister!". lol

[BobRossRules]

Yes, it's indeed illegal. It's just people there didn't know better. That area was the ONLY place I faced that kind of thing. Granted it has been a while since I've lived there. Surely awareness has increased...hopefully. :) Someone had directed me to a youtube video where a guy with a service dog was denied access, and even the police continued to argue with the patron. So many such cases caught on video like this one. Sorry I'm not sure how to attach a video - so here is the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0t8guEOSbQ

[daveb]

To attach a youtube video you have to put it in between "youtube" tags. The way I do that is I start with other tags like "test" and change them to "youtube". Alternatively, you could type it in like this:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0t8guEOSbQ[/youtube]'>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0t8guEOSbQ[/youtube]

thus,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0t8guEOSbQ

[tase]

I woke up to a reply from a budding ldr possibility

"Great news, I just met someone...."

HFNY

[BobRossRules]

Do you mean that you met someone, or the person you were interested in met someone else? If it is the later, then they are definitely missing out - and I'm sorry. All of us here have your back....*hug*

[tase]

Do you mean that you met someone, or the person you were interested in met someone else? If it is the later, then they are definitely missing out - and I'm sorry. All of us here have your back....*hug*

I woke up to her great news-she met someone and was on cloud 9-wished me luck and adios.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I decided not to let it bring me down, wished her luck, and to start preparing for NYE.

[LVG]

That stinks, tase. I've been there before.

[daveb]

Sorry, tase. Don't give up hope! Wishing her the best and preparing for NYE sounds good.

Best wishes to you, too!

[Qutenkuddly]

Better luck next time, tase.

[tase]

Better luck next time, tase.

Thanks

My 2016 motto is "if it happens, it happens"

I'll keep my eyes and ears open, keep trying, just not so hard.

[Chihiro]

I simply do not understand why gender roles are still so supported in TN. I see some of that here in KY but it's pretty rare. Why do the men get to be lazy in front of the TV while the women cook, clean, and serve them?

I have a feeling that most of the time it is the women who enforce these gender roles and also take pride in it- Mother-in-law to Daughter-in-law, Mother-to-daughter etc.

My own mother liked being a slave and took pride in it. She also liked to complain about this bias (weird right? My dad was indifferent- he didn't mind helping if asked, he didn't care if she didn't clean something, he didn't care if she hired someone to do all the chores or if she did it herself).

I had countless arguments with her because she would deliberately cook complex recipes and deliberately not hire a house-help either. And I was expected to help her out and I completely hated it. I have sworn to never eat anything she cooks, I honestly cannot enjoy food cooked by a slave.

P.S.- Not an american family. But gender bias is universal.

[teatree]

Oh, sorry, Tase...what a downer for you. (I had to Google what "ldr" meant, though! I don't know all the lingo and shorthands.... And what does HFNY stand for? No laughing, you guys!) I wish you luck in finding someone. It can be hard at our age to find even new friends. My younger sister laments about this, as being part of a married couple she mostly just has friends whose kids are friends with her kid. Sometimes that can work, but often once the kids aren't friends anymore, neither are the parents. There have to be more common interests--although you sound as if you are trying to get out and socialize, so that's a plus! Join other meetups where they do that kind of thing and you are bound to meet some like-minded people.I go to one where we have Game Nights, and it's a blast!

[tase]

Thanks for your support teatree. It shows how sweet you are that you couldn't put together what I meant by HFNY. It's quite possible others may have questioned it as well. Well the HNY=Happy New Years while the F was just a naughty word thrown in there. Honestly it was the only thought my mind could muster up with that type of greeting to my day. I got over it pretty quickly. I did however join the site where she had this sudden success.

As I posted elsewhere, I quickly got to a point where someone had given me her cell phone # and was awaiting a call to set up a date we had already discussed. However the (a) subject had not been discussed. So I was torn as to whether to stray from my formula (advising of my status asap) After some thought and consultation I decided to message her my status (although my status was clearly listed in my profile), and...of course she missed it and told me she needed someone interested in ALL of her, so see ya! I was actually fine with that as I was extremely nervous to make that call anyway. So there have been a few other conversations ending the same way, but when it happens asap, there no bad feelings as no bond of any kind have yet to be formed. The was someone last night that said being ace doesn't make me a bad person and would like to remain friends. We'll see how that goes.

I'm still contemplating joining some mixed groups, but plan on sticking with ace only for now.

Edit:Whiling composing the above, I actually received another message from cell phone girl. She informed that she actually spent the time to research asexuality and now has a much clearer appreciation for what it is, and in fact helped her with a previous relationship with an apparent ace, and after many years has discovered that in fact she was not to blame for the sexless relationship and that she thanked me for allowing her closure finally in that relationship. You see now I am in the business of providing community service.

[BobRossRules]

I think I mentioned earlier on this thread (or elsewhere), I attempted match.com, but it was awkward. If I was to meet someone, then there would be an expectation of sex and given my history, I really didn't want to go through that again. There is no asexual looking for asexual category, so it seemed pretty limited. I was only active for a few weeks or so. I'm very open to mixed groups for general opportunities to socialize and make friends. However, if I were to enter into a more exclusive relationship, it would be with another asexual.

It's funny, I really never actually "dated." Never given out my phone number and went out on a date with a stranger. I had maybe 2 other "boyfriends" (prior to being married). They started off as merely friends, a bunch of us hung out in a group together. One in high school and one in college, and we just started hanging out more and more by ourselves. However, the relationship was really platonic in nature, and thus, never blossomed for the other person. My other relationships only lasted a month or less, and ended due to my unwillingness to be more intimate.

Fast forward a million years later, I now have the opportunity to "date." However, I really have NO clue as what the heck I'm doing. :o

[LVG]

When I entered into my most recent relationship at the end of the summer, that was the first one I had since I was in high school. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Now that I'm single again, and discovered that I'm ace, I have a better idea of what works for me. However, I'm still in no way an expert on dating.

[BobRossRules]

When I entered into my most recent relationship at the end of the summer, that was the first one I had since I was in high school. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Now that I'm single again, and discovered that I'm ace, I have a better idea of what works for me. However, I'm still in no way an expert on dating.

Me too! My past relationships have given me a different perspective. I'm in a place that I don't want to compromise my values or self-worth. I have a better idea of what I'm looking for as well as what works for me. The process of it though, well that's different. I'm not necessarily actively seeking or "on the hunt." I'm more laid back in that respect. When I was in college, it was much easier meeting others. Although I was very shy, I was in a position where I could just walk up to someone and start a conversation. I don't really have those opportunities now. If I approach someone in the grocery store...I come off as somewhat of a creep. Hey...I see you like kale..uhhh...well have a nice day.

[LVG]

I'm also not on the hunt. I was always of the mindset that if it happened, it happened. But now that I know I'm ace, I don't really think things will just happen anymore. Maybe one day I'll make an OKC profile, since they offer an asexual option, but for now I'll enjoy time with friends and family.

[BobRossRules]

I tried OKC once, but it was before I identified as ace. I didn't even know they had an asexual option. I may check it out again. :)

[Qutenkuddly]

I tried OKC once, but it was before I identified as ace. I didn't even know they had an asexual option. I may check it out again. :)

It does now.

[tase]

As the resident expert-ha ha ha all I can say about OKC and their "ace friendly" options, I have yet to be able to figure out which of all the options to check that leaves results 100% ace meet ace.

If you guys figure it out, please pass it on.

I selected ace for my self, seeking ace woman, and I have yet to see a single result matching my options.

[daveb]

Teatree, I would love to find a group for game nights, but so far haven't had much success where I currently live. I hope I can do better once I retire (in about 3 years) and move to another city. For now, I'm often too busy or tired from work, and not really looking to start something where I currently live at this point.

Farady and LVG - I rarely dated and don't really know what I'm doing either. Sometimes I wonder how many people do, even sexual people. I'm also not "on the hunt", and know more about who I am and what I want, and don't want to compromise to the extent of not being true to myself. That's why I try to be open about things like my asexuality and my crossdressing; the kinds of things that tend to be deal-breakers for many people. I'd rather they know up front and can avoid or back out as soon as possible. I think it means people (me and them) are less likely to get hurt and/or waste time and effort on an unsuitable relationship for the parties involved. I do have a profile on acebook, but don't often check it unless I get a notice that I have a message. It's for aces, but I guess that, like AVEN, most of the people are younger.

Tase, best wishes!

[tase]

I totally agree daveb-the sooner the better. Better pain now than pain later. But as I mentioned the pain has gone from days to literally minutes. I'm getting good at this rejection thing. I now am just kind of making it a challenge more than a desperate search for a partner.

The morning HFNY thing was just a shock to the system that it was an actual success story (although I have huge doubts it will remain that way), but the cell phone girl, I need to place just a little blame on myself. You see it was NYE and I had uncharacteristically had a lot to drink, so I let the messages go on longer than normal without mentioning the ace thing.

How bout this - in yet another message she mentioned this and that, but uttered (technically wrote) something about the potential of "falling for me". What??? Renewed faith in possibilities.