How do sexual partners feel about their asexual partners masturbating using porn?

[Thresholder]

Hey all,

I've recently joined to try and unravel whether my boyfriend (i'm a guy too), is asexual and it seems he's showing all the signs, but struggling to communicate with me at the moment. I've started a thread in the relationships section.

However, I had a random thought and was wondering what everyone else thinks...

My potentially asexual partner enjoys masturbating over porn (admittedly) but has no interest in having any form of sex or sexual contact with me. As a sexual person, Im struggling with this. I'm feeling hurt and unwanted knowing that he is getting off over other people and not me. Of course, I sometimes do this, but at the same time I'd prefer to get off over my partner than anyone else as he is the sexiest person in the world to me.

How do others feel?

[Telecaster68]

I'm the sexual partner in a mixed relationship. My wife doesn't masturbate (as far as I know), but I can see how'd I feel pretty hurt if she did. As you say, it's one thing if it's as well as sex with you, another if it feels like instead of...

Except...

For an asexual it's not 'instead of'. He wouldn't be having sex with you anyway, he just prefers not to have sex with anyone, so the masturbation is irrelevant.

All of which is fine and rational, but when you're already feeling hurt and rejected because he doesn't want to have sex with you, naturally it's going to be hard to get past emotionally.

[binary suns]

Hey all,

I've recently joined to try and unravel whether my boyfriend (i'm a guy too), is asexual

I'm feeling hurt and unwanted knowing that he is getting off over other people and not me. Of course, I sometimes do this, but at the same time I'd prefer to get off over my partner than anyone else as he is the sexiest person in the world to me.

How do others feel?

I'm asexual hello welcome to the forums

I wouldn't decide for your boyfriend if he is asexual or not, talk it out with him. tell him that you are worried and feel unattractive for example (not that you do feel that way IDK) and tell him about asexuality and ask if he thinks that's him or if maybe it's something else :(

that being said the more you find out about asexuality the better :)

I suppose it's possible he as an individual is getting off on others and not you but tbh I wouldn't assume that is the case. looking at porn for me has always been arousing just because our human brains go "ooh look sex time to activate the sexy parts" and as an asexual, when I look at porn it's 'cause I'm unimaginative and need the visual aid to keep my asexual body aroused xD. porn feels very unreal to me and it's not really getting off over people, idk. I guess personally getting off over people feels weird, and getting off on porn feels like I guess the same as getting off over hentai it's actors and scenarios not real life. idk I realise I don't actually have the words to reassure you :( but your concern actually would be a good one to talk to him about.

as an asexual, if my partner wanted to masturbate anywhere over anything, I would not mind. but I guess I habe nothing to be jealous about tho

[Veertje.-20]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I identify myself as an aromantic asexual and I agree with Teagan. I'm sorry you feel that way and I indeed believe it is a good idea to talk to him about it. You can tell him where you're coming form and the other way around. It might not solve the hurt you're feeling, but at least you will know where you're both standing.

My story about porn is very similar as Teagans. It's really hard for me to imagine anything sexual and porn is most of the time something I watch when I'm bored otherwise I won't be able to get it going. I don't feel any sexual attraction towards the people in the video I guess an for me it doesn't really matter who are in it; two women, two man, man and women. I wouldn't really be able to explain why, but maybe hearing/seeing other people feeling good gets my body in that same state. Of course I can't say if it's the same for you boyfriend, that's something that's different for everyone. I also don't feel any romantic attraction towards anyone else so for me it is even harder to imagine how I would react if I would be in you situation so I hope you are able to talk about it with each other and that this way you will both feel more comfortable.

Good luck!

[Telecaster68]

The problem isn't thinking they're attracted to anyone in the porn - it's that they do have some kind of libido, but it's not aimed you, their partner. It's hard to take, while accepting they're still attracted to you.

[Veertje.-20]

@Telecaster68, yeah I can understand that. That must be really hard. Even though you know it is not personal it can still really hurt

[Guest]

As a sexual, it has never bothered me that my partner masturbates to porn. Actually, it makes me happy... from my perspective, some expression of sexuality is better than none. I figure if it works for her, that's cool.

[Hizu]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I identify myself as an aromantic asexual and I agree with Teagan. I'm sorry you feel that way and I indeed believe it is a good idea to talk to him about it. You can tell him where you're coming form and the other way around. It might not solve the hurt you're feeling, but at least you will know where you're both standing.

My story about porn is very similar as Teagans. It's really hard for me to imagine anything sexual and porn is most of the time something I watch when I'm bored otherwise I won't be able to get it going. I don't feel any sexual attraction towards the people in the video I guess an for me it doesn't really matter who are in it; two women, two man, man and women. I wouldn't really be able to explain why, but maybe hearing/seeing other people feeling good gets my body in that same state. Of course I can't say if it's the same for you boyfriend, that's something that's different for everyone. I also don't feel any romantic attraction towards anyone else so for me it is even harder to imagine how I would react if I would be in you situation so I hope you are able to talk about it with each other and that this way you will both feel more comfortable.

Good luck!

That's what I feel too.

I don't get off over other people, it's just the act itself that makes me feel a certain way. I could never imagine myself being in that scene or doing those things in real life.

[Telecaster68]

Actually, it makes me happy... from my perspective, some expression of sexuality is better than none.

Is there no bit of you thinking 'hey, if you're feeling horny, I'm right here, crawling up the walls'?

[nanogretchen4]

I'm demisexual. I haven't been with an asexual partner so far. I definitely desire partnered sex in the rare cases when I'm actually attracted to anyone. On the other hand I may be looking at masturbation more like an asexual person does because I'm just confused by the reactions of some sexuals.

I have accidentally walked in on my partner while they were masturbating in two different relationships. One of the partners was male and the other was female if that makes any difference. There was no porn involved in either case. My only real emotion was embarrassment at accidentally walking in on them doing something private, about equal to walking in while they're on the toilet. I almost never look at porn when I masturbate because I'm not very visual and it just doesn't do much for me. I have tried watching porn with partners a few times. I have noticed that many people are more visual than I am, and this doesn't bother me. I wouldn't care if a partner masturbated looking at photographs or movies. On the other hand, if they were talking to people on the internet and exchanging photos with them, let alone bringing up the possibility of meeting them in person, that would totally cross the line for me. I would consider that cheating.

For me masturbation and partnered sex are such radically different experiences that there is almost no overlap. Masturbation is a prosaic bodily function with the goal of me having an orgasm. Partnered sex is a really intense emotional and sensual experience during which I usually don't have an orgasm or particularly want to. When I was younger I had entire relationships during which I never had an orgasm while my partner was in the same room. In hindsight this could have been solved by using a vibrator or touching myself during sex, but I didn't know about vibrators and I assumed touching myself was against the rules. Oddly I was mostly happy with my sex life despite this glitch, but now I think if a partner wants to be jealous of my fingers or an appliance, that's their problem. I assume porn serves a similar function for most people as a vibrator does for me, so I just wouldn't get worked up about it.

[Telecaster68]

Masturbation is a prosaic bodily function with the goal of me having an orgasm. Partnered sex is a really intense emotional and sensual experience during which I usually don't have an orgasm or particularly want to

So sex and orgasms are two completely different things for you? Have you ever tried to combine the two?

[nanogretchen4]

I have sometimes. It's all right. The thing is, I'm much more aroused when I'm doing stuff to my partner than when they're doing stuff to me. But I'm not much of a multitasker. I don't want to stop paying attention to something I'm really into to mess with something I'm only mildly into. Probably the best bet is if I come first. The afterglow is way better than the actual orgasm anyway, and then I can spend the rest of the session doing more interesting things.

[Hooded_Crow]

I think another thing that might be worth noting is that, as an asexual person (if he is indeed asexual), he isn't getting off to other people. What he is getting off to isn't the people in the porn/magazine/video. He's not attracted to those people any more than he's attracted to you. What he is most likely responding to is the situation those people are in.

As an asexual person who used to masturbate using erotic material, I can tell you I was never thinking "Oh my God, he/she is so hot I have to touch myself." What was getting my body aroused was the representations of pleasure. Seeing/hearing/reading about pleasure can trigger a reaction of arousal, even when you're not attracted to the people/characters.

One last thing. I don't claim to know how your partner feels, but I for one find my partner gorgeous. He is beautiful to me, very much so. Don't assume your partner doesn't find you beautiful. Asexuals just don't connect beauty with sex. It's a chaste love but it is still very deep love.

:) good luck with your partner.

[Tarfeather]

As a sexual, it has never bothered me that my partner masturbates to porn. Actually, it makes me happy... from my perspective, some expression of sexuality is better than none. I figure if it works for her, that's cool.

Well, I also would be happy if my partner found something that she enjoyed, and porn is no exception. But I don't feel that more sexuality is "better" or "worse", and knowing that my partner is more or less sexual (aside from with me) wouldn't make me more or less happy. For the most part, I just like her the way she is, and not being very sexual is a big part of who she is.

I think another thing that might be worth noting is that, as an asexual person (if he is indeed asexual), he isn't getting off to other people. What he is getting off to isn't the people in the porn/magazine/video. He's not attracted to those people any more than he's attracted to you. What he is most likely responding to is the situation those people are in.

As an asexual person who used to masturbate using erotic material, I can tell you I was never thinking "Oh my God, he/she is so hot I have to touch myself." What was getting my body aroused was the representations of pleasure. Seeing/hearing/reading about pleasure can trigger a reaction of arousal, even when you're not attracted to the people/characters.

I've read an article that claims that female sexuality in general is more like what you describe here. From what I understand, the kind of sexuality where you focus particularly on your sexual partner and how hot they are seems to be more a male sexuality kind of thing.

One last thing. I don't claim to know how your partner feels, but I for one find my partner gorgeous. He is beautiful to me, very much so. Don't assume your partner doesn't find you beautiful. Asexuals just don't connect beauty with sex. It's a chaste love but it is still very deep love.

My partner doesn't find me nor anyone attractive (nor does she have a concept of what attractive is), and it still blows my mind that there are asexuals who do have that concept, yet don't connect it to sexuality.

[Hooded_Crow]

Well put it this way: a gay guy can appreciate the beauty of a woman. But it's nothing sexual.

For me though it's different. I don't have a sense of aesthetics. I find my partner beautiful because I love him. It's tricky to explain, but his face and body have become beautiful to me because I know him. When I look at him, my brain just goes "oh wow, he's wonderful and I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his body."

As for the male sexuality vs female, well I've got lots of female friends who definitely have what you'd qualify as male sexuality. They comment on the hotness of guys constantly and definitely appreciate guys in a sexual way for their bodies.

[Tarfeather]

Well put it this way: a gay guy can appreciate the beauty of a woman. But it's nothing sexual.

That is actually.. completely unrelated. And you say that yourself, so let's move on. :)

For me though it's different. I don't have a sense of aesthetics. I find my partner beautiful because I love him. It's tricky to explain, but his face and body have become beautiful to me because I know him. When I look at him, my brain just goes "oh wow, he's wonderful and I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his body."

That sounds pretty amazing. o_O

My girlfriend also has no sense of aesthetics, and she describes it very differently. If she is to be believed, she still doesn't feel much with regards to my physical appearance, but more for my personality. I believe her. She never really stares at me or anything, she doesn't get anything out of it. But when we *interact*, she can get very strongly engaged. To her, the expressions of my body that signify my emotions seem very important, whereas the body in itself seems not to matter much.

As for the male sexuality vs female, well I've got lots of female friends who definitely have what you'd qualify as male sexuality. They comment on the hotness of guys constantly and definitely appreciate guys in a sexual way for their bodies.

I agree. I wasn't denying that females tend to find guys attractive. But from what I understand, women generally don't focus on the male body so much when getting aroused; Rather, they get aroused by imagining themselves (or another female they project themselves onto) in a sexual situation with that attractive guy. Meanwhile, for guys like me, I can "get off" pretty much just to the mental image of an attractive female body, without necessarily having to place myself (or another male body) in the scene.

[Guest]

Actually, it makes me happy... from my perspective, some expression of sexuality is better than none.

Is there no bit of you thinking 'hey, if you're feeling horny, I'm right here, crawling up the walls'?

Believe it or not, no. But I think that's something very particular to me due to certain personal past experiences.

[Autumn Season]

As an asexual person who used to masturbate using erotic material, I can tell you I was never thinking "Oh my God, he/she is so hot I have to touch myself." What was getting my body aroused was the representations of pleasure. Seeing/hearing/reading about pleasure can trigger a reaction of arousal, even when you're not attracted to the people/characters.

Woah, you just explained why I dislike most porn and why I enjoy some of it. In most AVs the actors don't look like they feel good or have fun. At least to me they don't. But when they do look happy I'm like "D'awww, that's so nice!".

For me though it's different. I don't have a sense of aesthetics. I find my partner beautiful because I love him. It's tricky to explain, but his face and body have become beautiful to me because I know him. When I look at him, my brain just goes "oh wow, he's wonderful and I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his body."

That sounds pretty amazing. o_O

My girlfriend also has no sense of aesthetics, and she describes it very differently. If she is to be believed, she still doesn't feel much with regards to my physical appearance, but more for my personality. I believe her. She never really stares at me or anything, she doesn't get anything out of it. But when we *interact*, she can get very strongly engaged. To her, the expressions of my body that signify my emotions seem very important, whereas the body in itself seems not to matter much.

Not sure, but maybe the romantic side of Crow makes her see her partner in a beautiful light.

I know that my crushes look like the most adorable things on earth. Even when their looks aren't my type. In one case my sense of aesthetics even went from "beautiful" to "ugly" once I fell out of love.

[Guest]

I think another thing that might be worth noting is that, as an asexual person (if he is indeed asexual), he isn't getting off to other people. What he is getting off to isn't the people in the porn/magazine/video. He's not attracted to those people any more than he's attracted to you. What he is most likely responding to is the situation those people are in.

As an asexual person who used to masturbate using erotic material, I can tell you I was never thinking "Oh my God, he/she is so hot I have to touch myself." What was getting my body aroused was the representations of pleasure. Seeing/hearing/reading about pleasure can trigger a reaction of arousal, even when you're not attracted to the people/characters.

I've read an article that claims that female sexuality in general is more like what you describe here. From what I understand, the kind of sexuality where you focus particularly on your sexual partner and how hot they are seems to be more a male sexuality kind of thing.

Well put it this way: a gay guy can appreciate the beauty of a woman. But it's nothing sexual.

For me though it's different. I don't have a sense of aesthetics. I find my partner beautiful because I love him. It's tricky to explain, but his face and body have become beautiful to me because I know him. When I look at him, my brain just goes "oh wow, he's wonderful and I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his body."

As for the male sexuality vs female, well I've got lots of female friends who definitely have what you'd qualify as male sexuality. They comment on the hotness of guys constantly and definitely appreciate guys in a sexual way for their bodies.

Um ok. Hooded... I'm sexual but I experience it exactly as you say. I honestly don't think most people who watch porn are attracted to the people. They're attracted to the sex itself. In fact, I'd bet a million dollars on it. That's one of those weird AVEN things where everyone here thinks it's asexual to jerk off to porn as long as you aren't gazing at the actress. But yeah, that's actually exceptionally normal amongst sexuals as well.

I'm not attracted to my partner for any reason other than that they are the most amazing human I've ever met and they make me feel phenomenal. It has nothing to do with their aesthetics, beyond the basic "you're sufficiently attractive that I'm not repulsed". Of course I think they're the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful person I've ever seen. That's because I'm crazy about them.

Why you want to bang your partner isn't relevant. No one has ever said "you're not gay, you like his personality, not his handsomeness."

[butterflydreams]

Um ok. Hooded... I'm sexual but I experience it exactly as you say. I honestly don't think most people who watch porn are attracted to the people. They're attracted to the sex itself. In fact, I'd bet a million dollars on it. That's one of those weird AVEN things where everyone here things it's asexual to jerk off to porn as long as you aren't gazing at the actress. But yeah, that's actually exceptionally normal amongst sexuals as well.

Agree 100%. Though there must be some other element going on, because I've always had friends say things like, "wow, such-and-such porn actress is so hot." And I have to honestly respond with a shrug and noncommittal, "I guess so". Is that the sole, or even main reason, why they're watching the porn? Like you, I doubt it.

As for the larger partner and porn issue at hand, I think why the person (asexual or otherwise) is watching the porn is irrelevant. I'm sure there are all kinds of couples out there where one would be hurt if they discovered the other was consuming porn INSTEAD of expressing their sexuality with their partner. The issue there, IMO, isn't the porn, or the partner who was consuming it. The issue is a miscommunication (or even mismatch) of needs. Partner A prefers to express sexuality with their partner. Partner B (asexual or otherwise) prefers not to and prefers consuming porn instead to express their sexuality. So the solution would be to realign the communication and get both people on the same page about their needs and wants. It's possible that even after communication, no compromise or mutual understanding could be reached, in which case decisions will have to be made about the relationship.

[Telecaster68]

Skull's right. I don't get turned on by the looks of the women in porn. It's the activity.

There's been Proper Science to show the arousal bits of our brains get active when we see sex, doesn't matter between whom, and it goes to work on our arousal circuits, no rational or emotional processing needed. Straight people get a bit turned on by gay porn and vice versa, providong we're not too stressed, so it's hardly surprising a lot of asexuals get turned on too.

Anthropologically it makes sense. The tribe is safe and one couple starts up, and our genes need to keep up...

[Guest]

INORITE?!

[Guest]

a video entitled "TWO HOT MILFs, ONE COCK!" or whatever the fuck.

You don't watch a lot of porn, huh? :D

[butterflydreams]

a video entitled "TWO HOT MILFs, ONE COCK!" or whatever the fuck.

You don't watch a lot of porn, huh? :D

Hahaha, I've maintained that the best thing about porn is the titles. Some brilliant stuff there ;)

[Guest]

My porn has boring titles like j/o vid # 4. :(

[Guest]

j/o... what's that? All I can think is "jacking off"

dingdingdingding!!!

[Guest]

So far (spoilered in case this is too crude for anyone):

"Beautiful MILF with massive fake boobs gets fucked hard"

"Just fucked my boss's daughter"

"Girlfriend Tickled, Pt 2"

"Lovable Angelica Vibrating Her Pussy"

"Orgasms are always better in 2s"

"Mommy/Son Seduction"

Well then.

I don't think my "Two MILFs, one cock" or whatever I said was that far off...

That last one ... is ... disturbing..

[Philip027]

I've heard about this sort of thing before (feeling a turn on sexually as a result of seeing an act of sex, rather than the attractiveness of the people involved) because I've had a few conversations with my partner about it in the past.

I don't know if it has anything to do with being Asperger's or what, but I've found that the mere sight of a lot of things that elicit certain reactions in other humans have little/no or even the opposite effect on me. I am reminded of this constantly when I am with nearly anyone and somebody with an apparently "cute" animal in tow, usually a dog, walks by. She is the sort of person that is easily smitten by animals and finds them cute and adorable, whereas I've never had this reaction to anyone that wasn't human (and even then, as someone who's a demiaesthete at best, even that is pretty rare). In fact, my reaction to the animal is usually one of annoyance.

I've been around on the internet for a long time, and as a result I inevitably see sexual stuff depicted here and there. Even when you're not looking for it, it has a way of popping up anyway (whether in the form of email spam, or advertisements, or whatever). I don't get any sort of reaction to seeing this sort of stuff, other than the same aforementioned reaction of annoyance.

I don't really know what to make of all of this. Just kinda throwing it out there.

As for the topic, all I really have to say is that some people might consider their libido management (masturbation, essentially, since I imagine for most people that sort of thing develops before they ever find themselves in a committed relationship) as something akin to taking a shit. In other words, something you get used to doing in relative privacy and not exactly something you want to share with other people. Not saying that is necessarily how the OP's partner feels, but I feel like this could possibly be a common sort of experience for libidoist aces, and it's probably more likely if they're aromantic too.

[Telecaster68]

Philip

I can see the taking a shit analogy - but even so, why not share it with your partner, if you know they'd appreciate it?

[Tarfeather]

Skull's right. I don't get turned on by the looks of the women in porn. It's the activity.

There's been Proper Science to show the arousal bits of our brains get active when we see sex, doesn't matter between whom, and it goes to work on our arousal circuits, no rational or emotional processing needed. Straight people get a bit turned on by gay porn and vice versa, providong we're not too stressed, so it's hardly surprising a lot of asexuals get turned on too.

Anthropologically it makes sense. The tribe is safe and one couple starts up, and our genes need to keep up...

"one couple" hahah.. Yeah, our evolutionary history totally consists of.. monogamous couples.. riiight.

I would say it's more likely that if males get aroused upon observing sex, the purpose is that they don't just ignore the whole affair and end up not passing on their genes. And I doubt this would usually go over without conflict between competing males.

Also, really? Am I the only one here who gets super turned on just from the appearance of a person? Odd. You know, I didn't even tend to watch porn for most of my life; Way too boring and aesthetically unappealing compared to my fantasies into which I incorporate females I find physically attractive. I only started porn when the relationship with my girlfriend started, because I wanted to find out more about how sex works, and wanted to be able to please my partner. Hahahahahah, that was wrong on so many levels. But as for the porn itself, it stopped feeling exciting pretty fast, and when it did feel exciting it was because of the "new" feeling of looking at naked women, not the act of sex depicted. Once I got used to seeing naked women on my screen, it got pretty boring honestly.