Dealing with feelings as a lithromantic

[psyduck]

Hey guys!!

I've only recently become comfortable identifying as lithromantic- I feel it best explains the "issues" I've run into in my love life... I fall head over heels for someone, want to be with them, around them, dream of being in a relationship with them and every time, I think I've found "the one," but from the moment theres the slightest return of romantic interest i'm instantly turned off by them, actually repulsed sometimes. but, when i'm in that state of wanting to be with someone, those feelings are so intense, almost painful, impossible to deal with on a daily basis.

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

thank you!!!

P.S. I feel like I left a lot out but I don't know how to fit it into that ^ so, while i'm comfortable with being lithro, i'm not 100% confident that its completely me? I try and tell myself that its just a phase sometimes, cause it doesn't feel ideal, since I really do crave a relationship, and a family one day.

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

Do you kind of feel like your in a dance? Where you want closeness and you give out the signals for closeness. Someone responds they want to know you, be close to you, see you, touch you. You freak out and take a step back and withdraw from them. They are patient for awhile and then they step back too. And so the process starts again. Step forward then back, foward then back. Would this describe your situation?

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Just bask in the warm glow of your crushes but also know what the outcome will be, and be happy being single. Easy enough to do right?

[psyduck]

Do you kind of feel like your in a dance? Where you want closeness and you give out the signals for closeness. Someone responds they want to know you, be close to you, see you, touch you. You freak out and take a step back and withdraw from them. They are patient for awhile and then they step back too. And so the process starts again. Step forward then back, foward then back. Would this describe your situation?

yes!!! that's exactly it... sometimes it happens over days, or it can be years that they come in and out... it drives me crazy, cause every time I think, "hey, these are real feelings, theres no way they'll just vanish," and so I think I should see where it goes. even now I know better, and usually avoid it

Just bask in the warm glow of your crushes but also know what the outcome will be, and be happy being single. Easy enough to do right?

yeah, thank you, i'm going to stick to that. its just the intense cravings that sometimes hit, but they pass over time

[words are futile devices]

I have been in situations similar to yours so many times in the past. I used to identify strictly as lithromantic because it does seem to pretty accurately describe all of my experiences thus far. And to be honest, I think DJ Ace summed it up perfectly. There's really nothing you can do about your feelings, and the way they can be so intense only to evaporate in a single moment, leaving you and possibly the the other person emotionally whiplashed. It can be really difficult to get through these times, but I've learned to just kind of deal with them the best that I can. And they do eventually fade. Sucks, yes, but that's just how we're wired for whatever reason. I wish I could give more helpful advice. Just remember you're not alone. ^_^

yes!!! that's exactly it... sometimes it happens over days, or it can be years that they come in and out... it drives me crazy, cause every time I think, "hey, these are real feelings, theres no way they'll just vanish," and so I think I should see where it goes. even now I know better, and usually avoid it

Isn't that so frustrating? The feelings are real, there's no denying it. They can be all-consuming for a time... and then, with no warning at all, just gone. Like something I wrote in my journal earlier this year:

'How many times have I been filled with euphoria, ripples and ripples of excitement and hope and heart-stopping desire, on account of another person? How many times have those intense, seemingly unsinkable sensations then evaded me, either fading slowly or being ripped away in a single afternoon? And how hollow I feel afterward, when I think of that person and wonder why I had ever entertained so many ridiculous, romantic thoughts about them, wasted so much nervous energy, so many stomach lurches, so many words of undying devotion, on such a fleeting ghost of love.'

[psyduck]

I have been in situations similar to yours so many times in the past. I used to identify strictly as lithromantic because it does seem to pretty accurately describe all of my experiences thus far. And to be honest, I think DJ Ace summed it up perfectly. There's really nothing you can do about your feelings, and the way they can be so intense only to evaporate in a single moment, leaving you and possibly the the other person emotionally whiplashed. It can be really difficult to get through these times, but I've learned to just kind of deal with them the best that I can. And they do eventually fade. Sucks, yes, but that's just how we're wired for whatever reason. I wish I could give more helpful advice. Just remember you're not alone. ^_^

yes!!! that's exactly it... sometimes it happens over days, or it can be years that they come in and out... it drives me crazy, cause every time I think, "hey, these are real feelings, theres no way they'll just vanish," and so I think I should see where it goes. even now I know better, and usually avoid it

Isn't that so frustrating? The feelings are real, there's no denying it. They can be all-consuming for a time... and then, with no warning at all, just gone. Like something I wrote in my journal earlier this year:

'How many times have I been filled with euphoria, ripples and ripples of excitement and hope and heart-stopping desire, on account of another person? How many times have those intense, seemingly unsinkable sensations then evaded me, either fading slowly or being ripped away in a single afternoon? And how hollow I feel afterward, when I think of that person and wonder why I had ever entertained so many ridiculous, romantic thoughts about them, wasted so much nervous energy, so many stomach lurches, so many words of undying devotion, on such a fleeting ghost of love.'

your journal entry was really beautiful and really accurate. it's actually so helpful and calming to know that im not alone, I used to think I was "damaged" and just really needed therapy. it was constant, harsh stress in my life. but in the last few months, discovering the different terms under the ace banner (I knew I wasn't strictly ace because of the feelings I had) really helped me. i'm in a much better place then I was six months ago, but I still have a long way to go. it's really nice to know there are people who feel the same way. thank you

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

When you withdraw from your partner, do the feelings come back? Or do they just vanish completely?

[words are futile devices]

your journal entry was really beautiful and really accurate. it's actually so helpful and calming to know that im not alone, I used to think I was "damaged" and just really needed therapy. it was constant, harsh stress in my life. but in the last few months, discovering the different terms under the ace banner (I knew I wasn't strictly ace because of the feelings I had) really helped me. i'm in a much better place then I was six months ago, but I still have a long way to go. it's really nice to know there are people who feel the same way. thank you

I used to feel the same way... that there was something seriously wrong with me and that I had intimacy issues, etc. It was the most comforting thing in the world to discover that there are others who have dealt with the same things. I'm so glad to hear it has gotten better for you, even if you do still struggle. I do as well. Thank goodness we have a place to vent about all this stuff. And you can message me any time if you ever want to talk about it more.

[psyduck]

When you withdraw from your partner, do the feelings come back? Or do they just vanish completely?

they usually come back but nowhere near as strong as before, more in a sense of, "Oh man, maybe it could have worked," but the repulsion also never goes away completely

your journal entry was really beautiful and really accurate. it's actually so helpful and calming to know that im not alone, I used to think I was "damaged" and just really needed therapy. it was constant, harsh stress in my life. but in the last few months, discovering the different terms under the ace banner (I knew I wasn't strictly ace because of the feelings I had) really helped me. i'm in a much better place then I was six months ago, but I still have a long way to go. it's really nice to know there are people who feel the same way. thank you

I used to feel the same way... that there was something seriously wrong with me and that I had intimacy issues, etc. It was the most comforting thing in the world to discover that there are others who have dealt with the same things. I'm so glad to hear it has gotten better for you, even if you do still struggle. I do as well. Thank goodness we have a place to vent about all this stuff. And you can message me any time if you ever want to talk about it more.

thank you so much!

[Someone Else]

Would you get along better with an aromantic asexual, who would never reciprocate but might still like having you around?

[psyduck]

Would you get along better with an aromantic asexual, who would never reciprocate but might still like having you around?

definitely. although chances are I would have those feelings for them, which obviously makes things difficult. I can't seem to have a platonic, but deep friendship, either I develop feelings, or the friend does, which, either way brings around those repulsive feelings and ultimately leads to anxiety, avoidance and then the friendship crumbles. I guess queerplatonic is the closest thing to the perfect relationship I can imagine at this point in my life, but once again its the feelings and attraction that pops up, and just writing this now I realize that it could keep going in circles forever

[Someone Else]

Would you get along better with an aromantic asexual, who would never reciprocate but might still like having you around?

definitely. although chances are I would have those feelings for them, which obviously makes things difficult. I can't seem to have a platonic, but deep friendship, either I develop feelings, or the friend does, which, either way brings around those repulsive feelings and ultimately leads to anxiety, avoidance and then the friendship crumbles. I guess queerplatonic is the closest thing to the perfect relationship I can imagine at this point in my life, but once again its the feelings and attraction that pops up, and just writing this now I realize that it could keep going in circles forever

An aromantic seems like exactly what you're looking for then. Not sure what the problem would be -- someone you can like but who wouldn't reciprocate in a way that upsets you.

[psyduck]

Would you get along better with an aromantic asexual, who would never reciprocate but might still like having you around?

definitely. although chances are I would have those feelings for them, which obviously makes things difficult. I can't seem to have a platonic, but deep friendship, either I develop feelings, or the friend does, which, either way brings around those repulsive feelings and ultimately leads to anxiety, avoidance and then the friendship crumbles. I guess queerplatonic is the closest thing to the perfect relationship I can imagine at this point in my life, but once again its the feelings and attraction that pops up, and just writing this now I realize that it could keep going in circles forever

An aromantic seems like exactly what you're looking for then. Not sure what the problem would be -- someone you can like but who wouldn't reciprocate in a way that upsets you.

yeah, that's the most ideal friend/relationship I can think of. the only downside is almost every time I develop these feelings, they seem so strong I always convince myself that I actually want and can follow through with a relationship. so it's more a matter of ignoring that side that makes it hard

[Someone Else]

I'm probably an aromatic asexual, but I can't be the only one among that group who likes being liked. I actually like it when sexual or asexual people really like me. But I am not that good at reciprocating, as I just don't have those sorts of feelings. Lithromantics sound like pretty cool people to me, as such. I can't possibly be the only one, so, aromantics are probably the place to look.

[psyduck]

I'm probably an aromatic asexual, but I can't be the only one among that group who likes being liked. I actually like it when sexual or asexual people really like me. But I am not that good at reciprocating, as I just don't have those sorts of feelings. Lithromantics sound like pretty cool people to me, as such. I can't possibly be the only one, so, aromantics are probably the place to look.

thats starting to sound pretty ideal. i like taking care of people, and showing my affection as long as they dont reciprocate

[kilarra02]

I would like to pose a question, if I may. What do you do when you know you're lithromantic or just aromantic in general, and you're in a position where someone thinks they have a chance. I've found myself here several times, usually with very nice, very introverted and stereotypically "unsuccessful" guys, and it's never good. It starts so "normally" and I think maybe this is the one where the feelings stay. I must be sending signals, but as soon as the romantic vibes start I just shut down, the guy is minimally hurt, and I don't know how to explain that it's just how I am. I feel like a Typhoid Mary, even though I know I have no control over these feeling, and was wondering if anyone had any sort of success in... nipping this problem in the bud. Or experiences similar (I guess the word for it is) guilt with respect to their romantic orientation? There must be coping strategies, or something other than walking around with a sign around my neck.

Thank you!

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Sorry, but you're going to hurt someone any time you reject them. The fact that you end it quickly and honestly is really the best thing you can do.

[psyduck]

I would like to pose a question, if I may. What do you do when you know you're lithromantic or just aromantic in general, and you're in a position where someone thinks they have a chance. I've found myself here several times, usually with very nice, very introverted and stereotypically "unsuccessful" guys, and it's never good. It starts so "normally" and I think maybe this is the one where the feelings stay. I must be sending signals, but as soon as the romantic vibes start I just shut down, the guy is minimally hurt, and I don't know how to explain that it's just how I am. I feel like a Typhoid Mary, even though I know I have no control over these feeling, and was wondering if anyone had any sort of success in... nipping this problem in the bud. Or experiences similar (I guess the word for it is) guilt with respect to their romantic orientation? There must be coping strategies, or something other than walking around with a sign around my neck.

Thank you!

[psyduck]

Hey! I have the same issues, especially because men seem to think that being single equates to being available. I've sunk so low as to talking about a fake boyfriend or romantic interest just because it's too much to deal with. I also, one time i told an interested person about my identity and he just said "you could have just said no. Dont have to be such a bitch" honestly i dont have the answer. Except to agree with DJ, you gotta nip it in the bud

[kilarra02]

Yes, I suppose that is true, especially since you're totally right: not announcing to the world that you're dating or engaged or something is equated with availability, especially when you present as female. The assumptions of a romantic society can't be avoided. I just wish there was a way to stop it before it even got to the point where I have to reject someone, you know? Without being called a bitch (I'm so sorry that happened to you, psyduck!) or a liar or some thing else insinuating that I don't have emotions or compassion. Preferably.

I think talking about a fake boyfriend is perfectly reasonable, especially given the lack of widespread acceptance around aromanticism in general. My brother recommended getting myself a ring, which should communicate the unavailability. The lie of it sort of bugs me, just a little, and I think I might still run into some trouble when the crushes hit. But it seems like a start?

[Someone Else]

It makes me wonder, that I've never heard of any aromantic-lithro relationships. Maybe a lot of aromantics don't like the attention, I don't know. maybe all of this is still too new in society, and there will be more of it in the future.

[Chihiro]

Do you any of you feel turned-off when a friend or family member shows you affection? Sometimes I feel disappointed and sometimes I hate it when a friend/family shows me any affection.

[Robin L]

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

The short and really useless answer is, I don't. I'm actually quite distressed about my lithromanticism. No matter how much I'm romantically attracted to a person, or how much I want to be in a relationship, the feeling always dies almost completely if I picture it actually happening, or if the person noted it.

Personally, I find that the best way is to keep it in fantasy. Cuddle a blanket, or something.

Yeah, not helping...

[kilarra02]

Do you any of you feel turned-off when a friend or family member shows you affection? Sometimes I feel disappointed and sometimes I hate it when a friend/family shows me any affection.

Define "affection?" If we're talking physical affection, I totally get what you're saying. I'm very close with my family, so they never bother me, but I can't take affectionate contact like hugs or any kind of touching from most of my friends. It feels a little threatening to me unless there are very well established boundaries for that affection, like there are expectations being asserted that I can't fulfill. I have one friend with whom I'm fairly snuggly, but just the one. Verbal affection is easier to deal with, I find, because it's so casual for most people that it sort of lacks meaning. Does that make sense?

[kilarra02]

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

The short and really useless answer is, I don't. I'm actually quite distressed about my lithromanticism. No matter how much I'm romantically attracted to a person, or how much I want to be in a relationship, the feeling always dies almost completely if I picture it actually happening, or if the person noted it.

Personally, I find that the best way is to keep it in fantasy. Cuddle a blanket, or something.

Yeah, not helping...

Actually I think that helps a lot. I only discovered asexuality this year and am thus still exploring romantic orientations, gender identities, and all that jazz. There tends to be the sentiment that one should be happy with their identity, but lithromanticism is hard. I want so desperately to have a romantic someone, but then I'm in a position where romance could start and the feelings just evaporate. The conflict is distressing and I wish I could just be romantic or aromantic, rather than stuck between the two. It's nice to be on this forum, hearing from other people, sharing my own experiences, and getting some practical advice. I'd like to find a way to come to peace with this identity.

[jack616]

*holds paw up* yeah, same! :/

I can sometimes cope in varying degrees if a person likes me back, but the successful relationships were friendships. Maybe bc there's a certain amount of distance when there isn't romantic or sexual involvement? So it feels a little 'safer'...? (It's so confusing) x

[Peachyy]

Hey guys!!

I've only recently become comfortable identifying as lithromantic- I feel it best explains the "issues" I've run into in my love life... I fall head over heels for someone, want to be with them, around them, dream of being in a relationship with them and every time, I think I've found "the one," but from the moment theres the slightest return of romantic interest i'm instantly turned off by them, actually repulsed sometimes. but, when i'm in that state of wanting to be with someone, those feelings are so intense, almost painful, impossible to deal with on a daily basis.

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

thank you!!!

P.S. I feel like I left a lot out but I don't know how to fit it into that ^ so, while i'm comfortable with being lithro, i'm not 100% confident that its completely me? I try and tell myself that its just a phase sometimes, cause it doesn't feel ideal, since I really do crave a relationship, and a family one day.

Never dated, never been able to.

A few years ago I met someone who was actually probably my "soul mate" (my current best friend is also my soul mate, someone who I get along with on an uncanny level) but I know that people returning feelings ruins the euphoria of imaging our life together, so I kept my distance. It's bittersweet, but even though i still think about them fondly, it's comfortable. Should they have expressed feelings for me, i would have been very repulsed. I am always repulsed when people show me their romantic interest. I liked them too much to do that, and I enjoy being able to remember them when I need to. If I hadn't gone off the rails with how much I thought about them, the most ideal situation would been to make them a close friend. I wanted their friendship sooo much, but my day dreaming ruins everything.

[psyduck]

Yes, I suppose that is true, especially since you're totally right: not announcing to the world that you're dating or engaged or something is equated with availability, especially when you present as female. The assumptions of a romantic society can't be avoided. I just wish there was a way to stop it before it even got to the point where I have to reject someone, you know? Without being called a bitch (I'm so sorry that happened to you, psyduck!) or a liar or some thing else insinuating that I don't have emotions or compassion. Preferably.

I think talking about a fake boyfriend is perfectly reasonable, especially given the lack of widespread acceptance around aromanticism in general. My brother recommended getting myself a ring, which should communicate the unavailability. The lie of it sort of bugs me, just a little, and I think I might still run into some trouble when the crushes hit. But it seems like a start?

hello! i haven't been on in awhile so i just saw this, and i agree, getting a ring would be a good start. but there's still so many people who won't know what it stands for. and yes, it's hard to stop things before they get to rejection. you'll get alot of grief for it. i think you just gotta hang in there and trust that things will feel right one day, that you'll find yourself in a situation you love being in

[psyduck]

Hey guys!!

I've only recently become comfortable identifying as lithromantic- I feel it best explains the "issues" I've run into in my love life... I fall head over heels for someone, want to be with them, around them, dream of being in a relationship with them and every time, I think I've found "the one," but from the moment theres the slightest return of romantic interest i'm instantly turned off by them, actually repulsed sometimes. but, when i'm in that state of wanting to be with someone, those feelings are so intense, almost painful, impossible to deal with on a daily basis.

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

thank you!!!

P.S. I feel like I left a lot out but I don't know how to fit it into that ^ so, while i'm comfortable with being lithro, i'm not 100% confident that its completely me? I try and tell myself that its just a phase sometimes, cause it doesn't feel ideal, since I really do crave a relationship, and a family one day.

Never dated, never been able to.

A few years ago I met someone who was actually probably my "soul mate" (my current best friend is also my soul mate, someone who I get along with on an uncanny level) but I know that people returning feelings ruins the euphoria of imaging our life together, so I kept my distance. It's bittersweet, but even though i still think about them fondly, it's comfortable. Should they have expressed feelings for me, i would have been very repulsed. I am always repulsed when people show me their romantic interest. I liked them too much to do that, and I enjoy being able to remember them when I need to. If I hadn't gone off the rails with how much I thought about them, the most ideal situation would been to make them a close friend. I wanted their friendship sooo much, but my day dreaming ruins everything.

that does sound very bittersweet. i'm crushing on a very close friend of mine who, since they are gay, i know won't ever return romantic interest. i guess that's as close as i'll get to ideal, but sometimes it feels like they won't love me enough, in a friendship way. if that makes sense. so i know what you mean, it's hard for sure. i think it's just about finding a balance, which will come in time!

[psyduck]

so my question is, for other lithros, how do you deal with these feelings?????

also, how do you deal with the craving to be in a relationship, to be loved, (up until it actually happens, if you're like me)

The short and really useless answer is, I don't. I'm actually quite distressed about my lithromanticism. No matter how much I'm romantically attracted to a person, or how much I want to be in a relationship, the feeling always dies almost completely if I picture it actually happening, or if the person noted it.

Personally, I find that the best way is to keep it in fantasy. Cuddle a blanket, or something.

Yeah, not helping...

Actually I think that helps a lot. I only discovered asexuality this year and am thus still exploring romantic orientations, gender identities, and all that jazz. There tends to be the sentiment that one should be happy with their identity, but lithromanticism is hard. I want so desperately to have a romantic someone, but then I'm in a position where romance could start and the feelings just evaporate. The conflict is distressing and I wish I could just be romantic or aromantic, rather than stuck between the two. It's nice to be on this forum, hearing from other people, sharing my own experiences, and getting some practical advice. I'd like to find a way to come to peace with this identity.

that's what kills me. i want it. so badly, and i always think i could make it work. blatantly, i just can't and i hate it

Do you any of you feel turned-off when a friend or family member shows you affection? Sometimes I feel disappointed and sometimes I hate it when a friend/family shows me any affection.

Define "affection?" If we're talking physical affection, I totally get what you're saying. I'm very close with my family, so they never bother me, but I can't take affectionate contact like hugs or any kind of touching from most of my friends. It feels a little threatening to me unless there are very well established boundaries for that affection, like there are expectations being asserted that I can't fulfill. I have one friend with whom I'm fairly snuggly, but just the one. Verbal affection is easier to deal with, I find, because it's so casual for most people that it sort of lacks meaning. Does that make sense?

personally, i adore physical contact, snuggling, hugging, as much closeness as possible-till there's a romantic interest on their part. then i hate it