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Telecaster68

For asexuals who just haven't been able to take it any more

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Telecaster68

I have told her and she does, Nid. She just can't/won't do anything about it. I'm not sure which.

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Tarfeather

one doesn't by definition overrule the other. The ideologies of other people don't enter into it for the most part.

Again, pragmatically, one does over-ride the other. 'No' beats 'yes', legally and ethically, in this situation and rightly so.

Uh.. Not what I said?

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Telecaster68

Sorry, what did you mean then?

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Tarfeather

I was talking about not having sex on your side vs listening to your complaints on her side. I wasn't saying your desire to have sex is equally important to her desire not to have sex.

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Sally

I can see that - but the effect is to close down any discussion of my happiness and make her feelings more important than mine.

And what's to discuss about your unhappiness? You're unhappy because she can't give you what you want. You know that. She knows that. Do you want her to simply state that you're unhappy because of her inability? What's the outcome you're hoping for? You say you know things aren't going to change, but it doesn't sound like you've accepted that. Can you really be a helpful support to her in her illness when you're feeling frustrated and unhappy?

I'm not saying that because your feelings are less important than hers. I'm trying to figure out what you expect to happen as a result of a discussion.

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Tarfeather

You're unhappy because she can't give you what you want.

How do you arrive at that conclusion? I think there are scales of "getting what you want", it's not an on or off kind of deal.

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Telecaster68

And what's to discuss about your unhappiness?

Did you mean that to sound as magisterially dismissive as it comes across?

Spouses discuss their feelings, whine, let off steam, rant, moan about how they're feeling, and generally share stuff, especially if they're feeling down, especially if it has something of relevance to their partner. That's part of a relationship isn't it? Listening to each other, sympathising and validating. I'm more than happy to hear and elicit my wife's woes, and don't particularly claim it as anything out of the ordinary.

You're unhappy because she can't give you what you want.

At this point, what I want is to be heard, and for her to engage with the concept that all is not well.

You say you know things aren't going to change, but it doesn't sound like you've accepted that.

I know some things aren't going to change, like the absence of desire, but other things could, like frequency, and her engaging with the issue.

Can you really be a helpful support to her in her illness when you're feeling frustrated and unhappy?

Yes, actually. I am already, and she says so. But it would be easier to feel positive about it if I felt my feelings were being acknowledged as well as hers.

I'm trying to figure out what you expect to happen as a result of a discussion.

Some kind of validation and empathy.

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