Activities that do not Invalidate your Asexuality

[Qwerty321]

My new thread:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/129993-desire-of-partnered-sex-vs-desire-of-sensations-only-provided-by-partnered-sex/

[Qwerty321]

Also a poll, related to the topic:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/129997-a-question-to-asexual-with-lidido-and-sexual-people-the-poll/

[Star Bit]

Does desiring some sensations that aren't available with masturbation make you desire partnered sex? Or it's just desire of sensations?

You could probably dedicate an entire thread to that question alone. I think people will have different answers to this question, but I think it's an important and fundamental question to ask and I'm interested to see what people would say about it. I certainly don't have the answer. I'll have to think about it for a while.

My initial thought would be that it is a desire for partnered sex, because if desire for partnered sex isn't about desiring sexual sensations with other people, then what is a desire for partnered sex? In either case, it seems like you could maybe at least be in the grey area, since you don't seem to find sex to be that important. Maybe you do experience sexual attraction, but to a low extent? Once again, I don't have the answers.

Maybe Lithsexual aka Aposexual? I agree certainly Gray-asexual.

[Lost247365]

I understand your analogy with food, and I expierenced something like that, when I stayed in the hospital, and I found some of hospital meal really disgusting, but I lost much weight and felt so hungry while recovering, that I indeed ate that meal with a large desire, despite I still found it disgusting.

But I can't enjoy even my favourite meal when I don't feel a desire to eat.

Well, like my mother always tells me, there are people who eat to live, and people who live to eat.

For people like you, enjoyment is linked to desire. Nothing wrong with that.

[purplemutant]

Be honest, "enjoying sex" and "having no desire for sex" sounds a bit hypocritically for me.

Also many things "which don't invalidate your asexuality". It's like you said "A guy can enjoy gay erotica, fantasy about being with another guys, dreamed about it, and even have sex with another guys of curiousity and enjoy it, but he's still strictly strait, cause "he doesn't desire gay sex". Sounds doubtful.

I like beer. But I usually don't get the urge to go out of my way for a beer. If my sister buys a beer I may have one. My thought process might be something like "Wow this beer is pretty good. I forgot how good beer tastes". But at other times I sort of forget how good beer tastes. So I don't get the urge to go out of my way to buy it. Same goes for sex. I have had it twice in my life. I enjoyed it. If I had it again I would probably enjoy it. But the only sexual urges I get involve fantasies and masturbation. I don't get urges that I feel like I need someone else to help satisfy. So yea a person can be asexual and still enjoy sex. Enjoyment of sex is not necessary to have an innate desire for it. It reminds me of the joke "Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still pretty good". A sexual is going to desire sex even if it isn't very good.

[levelskid]

I have fantasies, but I'm not the one doing the sex. That's too weird. I like orgasms and yes, sometimes this requires an aid, but never has crossed my mind in the horniest of days have I said or thought I need a partner. I've done quite well on my own.

[LordCameron]

In response to the very first post. You are awesome. Thank you for this. I always have these weird doubts that don't need to exist.

[mynameisdvd]

I'm also new in this thing; I have realized that I'm demisexual recently after a long time thinking that I was just "confused". The truth is that I have watched porn sometimes and even thought that I feel sexually aroused at the moment,

I don't really feel the need to masturbate o perform sex after that. I see sex as something that you should have with someone that you feel a close relationship or bond; I would hate to have sex with someone just “because it feels right”.

I have realised that you could feel attraction for someone but I don’t feel like sex is something really important in my life, I have never felt the need to have it, but I confess that the idea doesn’t repulse me, it’s just that I feel that it must be with someone I close to.

Can I call myself demisexual?

[Lost247365]

I'm also new in this thing; I have realized that I'm demisexual recently after a long time thinking that I was just "confused". The truth is that I have watched porn sometimes and even thought that I feel sexually aroused at the moment,

I don't really feel the need to masturbate o perform sex after that. I see sex as something that you should have with someone that you feel a close relationship or bond; I would hate to have sex with someone just “because it feels right”.

I have realised that you could feel attraction for someone but I don’t feel like sex is something really important in my life, I have never felt the need to have it, but I confess that the idea doesn’t repulse me, it’s just that I feel that it must be with someone I close to.

Can I call myself demisexual?

I don't see any reason why you couldn't. I bet that many people who fit the mold of the average sexual feel similarly when it comes to sex not being super important in their lives.

This is from another thread but I am wanting to move the discussion to here.

So how would we define aromanticism? Romantic attraction is an emotion, so defining it as "a person who does not desire a romantic relationship" would make romance-indifferent romantics aromantic. If we word it in a way that means it's unwanted then it would exclude aromantics who are willing to be in a romantic relationship for the sake of someone else. Unless there just needs to be an added clause to that saying "but if someone feels romantic attraction and is just indifferent to reciprocation then they're still romantic."

Defining aromanticism is very problematic because what romantic feelings are is a very nebulous feeling. That said, I would weasel my way out by defining it as:

"A person who does not experience romantic feelings and desires."

If we were to make another thread like this one for defining things that do not invalidate one as an aromantic, I think this link would be a good place to start:

http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if

For instance we could say you are still aromantic even if you are sensual or you are still aromantic even if you like to flirt. Just brainstorming.

[Star Bit]

I have never felt the need to have it, but I confess that the idea doesn’t repulse me, it’s just that I feel that it must be with someone I close to.

I don't see why you'd consider yourself Demisexual; Demisexuals desire sex after an emotional bond; you're just comfortable with compromising after that bond. If anything that would be called demi-consent (not an actual used term) asexual. Some asexuals can require a bond to consent to sex; that's perfectly fine. Also, are you saying you're ok with having sex after a bond out of theory or fact?

@Lost

Maybe include in the "We can have sex" bullet point that "some can require a bond to feel comfortable with sexually compromising but that doesn't make them demisexual." Also, in that part, add that Some asexuals are capable of having sex. Or avoid adressing asexuals directly by removing the part that repeats what you just said; "We can have sex. Asexuals are still capable of having sex, and might be willing to do so for reasons other than desiring sex for its own sake. (ie procreation or wanting to make a partner happy)" And just change it to "We might be willing to have sex for reasons other than desiring sex..." Which addresses the "some" inclusion as well with the word "might".

[mynameisdvd]

I'll say that a fact (aswering your first question), because I'd have sex but only if I had formed a bond with the person, otherwise I don't seem myself into it at all, I have tried and I realise that I did not feel sexual feelings o desires for my partners at all, and that was because that bond was never really formed if I look back to those moments were I was asking myself (Why I don't feel the urge to have sex like the rest of people?).

Also, I will add that I feel that my body will respond if that bond is Romantic. I identify myself as Asexual, but to say that I am Demisexual is something that I am not 100% sure yet. And in this page I'm starting to reach to that conclusion to myself.

[Star Bit]

I assume your "I'd" in you're first sentence is a typo and it should be "I've"? Because if you're still going off of theory and not actual experience then what you think you will react can be different in real life. Also, with Demisexual meaning desiring sex, your partner will be waiting for the day you reciprocate and you never will; emotional reciprocation during sex can be important for sexuals. You would also most likely never initiate sex, which can be another reciprocation problem.

Why don't you have the urge to have sex like most people? Because you're asexual.

[mynameisdvd]

I'm not sure if I follow, but I haven't that bond expirience (not because I haven't tried), buy I'm not relunctant to the idea of having it. Most of the people I have known are sexuals, is it possible to know somebody that could understand me? That's the biggiest worry that I have.

Most of them call you Homosexual, Bi or Simply they don't believe you, do you have a thread or suggestion to open up to my future partner or how can I develop a relationship being Demisexual?

[Star Bit]

Engligh:

(bold in engligh section is to mirror possible errors in spanish)

Ok-- Do you ever desire; want; wish to; yearn to have sex with anyone? Not for their sake, but for your own desires. And have you ever had sex with anyone? As said in the opening post; asexuals aren't reluctant to having sex; asexuals CAN have sex.

Also, are you asking how to make your friends and future partner accept your orientation? Simple. "I don't desire sex with anyone, but i can be comfortable with sexually compromising after we have a strong bond." If they don't accept it then they're not the right friends/partner for you. Some sexual people can't understand not wanting sex; they've desired people sexually for so long that they can't understand someone never wanting it. However, if they doubt you, you could say "i know my own mind; you don't. I know what i do and do not desire, and i do not desire sex with anyone."

What you think your reaction to sex will be and what you actually feel when you have sex in real life can be two different things; for example "I thought i would like this cake but once i tried it i actually don't." So what you think and what actually happens in real life can be different. So if you've never had sex and are thinking you'll be ok with it, then you should not be telling partners that you will be comfortable or that you will desire it after a bond; only say you may be ok with sex.

The way someone reacts to something they do not desire to do can be different for everyone; especially with something as personal as sex. Some gay people are ok with having heterosexual sex and others can not have sex with people they do not sexually desire. The same goes for an asexual; some even say it feels like rape. I'm saying all this because i don't want you to tell a partner that you'll eventually have sex with them, they wait for that day, you eventually try and you can't go through with it or get mental damage by forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. And depending on how long you wait to try sex with a partner, your partner could be furious that you lied and you could end up wasting years on a doomed relationship because of this lie to a partner. You should not be forced into having sex, especially with a partner making you feel guilty. Telling a partner you're Demisexual when you're not Demisexual can have disastrous results on a relationship.

(I used a translation web site; sorry if things are worded oddly :lol: tell me how bad it translated it please. And by reverse translating it on that site, i think a few sentences may not be worded right so I've made those bold.)

Espanol/Spanish:

Ok-- ¿Alguna vez deseo; quiero; desean; ansían tener sexo con alguien? No por su bien, sino por sus propios deseos. Y ¿Alguna vez has tenido sexo con alguien? Como dice en el post de apertura; asexuals no son reacios a tener sexo; asexuals puede tener relaciones sexuales.

Además, estás preguntando cómo hacer que tus amigos y futuro socio acepta su orientación? Simple. "Yo no deseo sexo con alguien, pero puedo estar cómodo con enfermedades comprometer después tenemos un fuerte vínculo." Si ellos no la aceptan, entonces ya no son los amigos/pareja para usted. Algunas personas no pueden entender sexual no querer sexo; que han deseado durante tanto tiempo sexualmente de personas que no pueden entender a alguien que nunca queremos. Sin embargo, si lo duda, usted podría decir: "Sé que mi propia mente; no la necesita. Sé lo que hago y no deseo, y yo no deseo sexo con nadie."

Lo que usted piensa que su reacción al sexo será y lo que realmente sentimos cuando tienen relaciones sexuales en la vida real puede ser dos cosas distintas; por ejemplo "pensé que me gustaría este pastel, pero una vez que lo intenté yo no". Así que lo que piensa y lo que realmente sucede en la vida real puede ser diferente. Así que si nunca has tenido relaciones sexuales y están pensando que va a estar bien con ella, entonces usted no debería estar diciéndole a los socios que usted se sienta cómodo o que os deseo que después de una fianza; sólo decir que usted puede estar bien con el sexo.

La manera en la que una persona reacciona a algo que no desean hacer pueden ser diferentes para cada persona; especialmente con algo tan personal como el sexo. Algunas personas homosexuales están ok con tener sexo heterosexual y otros pueden no tener relaciones sexuales con personas que no deseo sexual. Lo mismo va para un asexual; algunos incluso dicen que se siente como una violación. Estoy diciendo todo esto porque no quiero decirle a usted un socio que podrá eventualmente tener sexo con ellos, están a la espera de ese día, usted eventualmente intente y no puedes ir a través con él u obtener daños mentales por obligar a sí mismo a hacer algo que no desea hacer. Y dependiendo de cuánto tiempo esperar a probar el sexo con una pareja, su pareja podría ser furioso que usted mintió y usted podría terminar desperdiciando años sobre una relación imposible porque esta mentira a un compañero. Usted no debe ser forzada a tener relaciones sexuales, especialmente con una pareja te hace sentir culpable. Decirle a un socio Demisexual estás cuando no estás Demisexual puede tener resultados desastrosos en una relación.

[cosmosredshift7]

Tbh I considered myself demi because I had fantasies about certain fictional characters which equaled out to me being like. "Well if I can have fantasies about fictional characters, that obviously means I"ll want do it with real people", as well as one other reason that is listed but

Thanks for this post 👍

[tase]

There seems to be some discussion regarding my earlier admission (mm), but you know what it doesn't matter. This is where I fit in and labels be damned. My quest for a relationship remains ace/ace only.

[purplemutant]

I speak Spanish fluently; it's my first language. In that large chunk of text in Spanish; there are some errors that immediately jumped out at me. The singular of asexual is asexual. The plural is asexuales. I will take a closer look later and fix the other errors. The errors aren't really surprising from a translation website. They are less than perfect.

[purplemutant]

Tbh I considered myself demi because I had fantasies about certain fictional characters which equaled out to me being like. "Well if I can have fantasies about fictional characters, that obviously means I"ll want do it with real people", as well as one other reason that is listed but

Thanks for this post

I had a similar problem. I figured that because I fantasized about things that was an indication that I wanted to do them for real. I no understand that what I want in fantasy land does not reflect what I want in the real world.

[Sarah1662]

A lot of the things on the original list sound, to me, as qualifiers for gray sexuality, as I myself identify. No counting any of the above as defining gray sexuality, how would you define it? I'd be interested to hear other people's definitions. :)

[SMW22792]

This is a great post!

[Lost247365]

A lot of the things on the original list sound, to me, as qualifiers for gray sexuality, as I myself identify. No counting any of the above as defining gray sexuality, how would you define it? I'd be interested to hear other people's definitions. :)

That is part of the reason I made this list, because alot of asexuals think they are grey or sexual because of these things when in fact they have nothing to do with it. Asexuality, as an orientation, is simply dependent on whether one feels sexual desire/sexual attraction or not. If one does, that person is a allosexual. They could be a hypersexual, a gray-sexual, or just the average sexual. If one does NOT experience sexual desire, they are asexual.

Gray-sexuality/gray asexuality is an identity (as opposed to an orientation) for sexuals who feel that they experience sexual desire/attraction to a much lesser degree than the average sexual, or who can only experience sexual desire under very rare and specific circumstances. Because of this, they tend to identify with the asexual experience and are said to be under the asexual umbrella of identities.

Further, gray-sexuality is often thought of as a spectrum of identities (referred to as the gray spectrum or (a)sexual spectrum) with the color black representing no sexual attraction/desire or complete asexuality and the color white representing the the capacity and frequency of sexual desire of the average allosexual (non-asexual). Gray sexuals feel they fall in-between these two extremes. Or to put this another way:

In terms of sexual desire I would be a 0.0, while my best friend would be a 10.0. A gray-sexual would be a 3.7. But, it should be noted that the above doesn't represent gray-sexuality in its entirety, but rather just one type of graysexuality. Some people also Identify as Gray sexual because they are not capable of experiencing sexual desire at all, except under very rare and specific situations/conditions. The best example of this is what is called demisexuality.

Demisexuals experience no sexual desire until they form a strong emotional bond with a person, at which point they begin to experience sexual desire for the first time. Thus, because they only experience sexual attraction under these conditions they are also considered gray-sexuals.

I hope I explained this clearly.

[Star Bit]

I completely agree, but asexuality is not a spectrum; just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and the color white are not spectrums. It's identical to the situation with Bisexuals; they are not straight and they are not gay, they are both and a seperate orientation. Gray is not white, nor is gray black, it is its own color. Do people go "I'm a part of the heterosexual spectrum"? No, because there's no A&B to make one out of; only one letter. And if someone did then their orientation would be taken as a joke. I don't need to tell you why we need to avoid being seen that way, right? The only things that are spectrums are Sexuality in general, Romanticism, and the Gray umbrella.

[mynameisdvd]

So Demisexuality would be part of Asexuality or a separate otientaion from your perspective?

[Star Bit]

Demisexuals desire sex, they are sexual/on the Gray-sexual/Gray-asexual spectrum; not asexual.

Gray-sexual/Gray-asexual is a when sex is wanted term (under unusual circumstances like needing an emotional bond).

[Schattenschatz]

Occasionally I'll have an unusually 'sexual' moment like some of the things in the first post, and I'll wonder "huh, am I really asexual?" then I talk to my sexual friends, or poke around the internet forums I frequent, and then I realize, "yep, I definitely really am." ;)

[wolfers]

I'm new here and new to all this. Perhaps like many I'm keen to label myself, so that I can find a community and not feel such a "freak".

I do find some people attractive in the sense that I get aroused when I think about them in a sexual situation. I may entertain a fantasy about them and will masturbate to orgasm, though I can feel guilty and ashamed about it afterwards.

But ... I have zero desire to carry out that fantasy in real life. I find the physical reality of sex at best uncomfortable, and at worst frankly it disgusts me. I almost feel like its animalistic and beneath me. I genuinely don't understand why people want to have sex in real life. When I've tried it, it bored me. I was with my ex for two years and we tried sex maybe half a dozen times. I was never aroused and just wanted it to be over. Other than that I had a great relationship with my ex and I did love him.

I will add this: sometimes I wish that I do want to have sex. Everyone seems to think it's so great. I feel like I'm missing out on something almost definitive of the human experience. But the fact remains that I find none of the basic four sexual things (you suck, he sucks, you fuck, he fucks) remotely pleasurable or desirable. Except in fantasy, though most of my fantasies are fetishistic and don't really involve genitals. I don't want to do those things in real life, either. At all.

[Star Bit]

You aren't missing out on sex just like a straight person isn't missing out on gay sex and a gay person isn't missing out on straight sex. There is no missing out.

So you desire sex with people but react badly when it's reciprocated IRL? If so, then Lithsexual aka Aposexual (which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor) may be helpful, but if you never desire sex IRL then you can go by asexual. Some debate that Aposexual is a type of Gray-A, but that's really because of the attraction based definition and its dual definition of it happening over time. If asexuality was blatantly just "desires sex with no one" then you'd have your answer far quicker with no confusion, and many want that to replace the banner above, but that fight is a work in progress. There's also the debate of "How far does it have to be to count as not desiring sex? Can they have the impulse but not identify with it being in their mind? Can they identify with it and fully act on it in their head, but not want to act on it IRL?" Basically aposexual is desiring sex with someone but either immeditaly or over time reacting to it unpositively; more specifically with indifference, loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion

[Lost247365]

You aren't missing out on sex just like a straight person isn't missing out on gay sex and a gay person isn't missing out on straight sex. There is no missing out.

So you desire sex with people but react badly when it's reciprocated IRL? If so, then Lithsexual aka Aposexual (which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor) may be helpful, but if you never desire sex IRL then you can go by asexual. Some debate that Aposexual is a type of Gray-A, but that's really because of the attraction based definition and its dual definition of it happening over time. If asexuality was blatantly just "desires sex with no one" then you'd have your answer far quicker with no confusion, and many want that to replace the banner above, but that fight is a work in progress. There's also the debate of "How far does it have to be to count as not desiring sex? Can they have the impulse but not identify with it being in their mind? Can they identify with it and fully act on it in their head, but not want to act on it IRL?" Basically aposexual is desiring sex with someone but either immeditaly or over time reacting to it unpositively; more specifically with indifference, loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion

Very interesting observation. Personally, I remain steadfast in believing that it should only count in real life. People can fantasize about fighting giant fire breathing dragons all they want in their minds, doesn't mean that if a dragon like actually existed that they would WANT to go fight it.

/totally not bumping my own thread

[Scooty]

Ah, it's so nice to see a post like this. Just a little bit of that extra reassurance :)

I agree with Cutos, here. I've been still trying to figure things out--this really helps ^_^

[ashpenaz]

I think I would change the definition of asexuality from "not experiencing sexual attraction" to "not being interested in sex." I experience attraction and arousal under some circumstances--but those feelings don't interest me. It's like climbing Mt. Everest or running a triathalon--I might briefly think,"That would be fun," but I'm never going to do either one. I just don't have the interest or dedication. For me, asexuality is like having a tank of sexual energy, but there's no faucet--it doesn't go anywhere.