Activities that do not Invalidate your Asexuality

[Guest]

What if a non repressed incredibly active horny craving it all the time sexual gives up sex for Lent? Probably a bit of sacrifice on their part.

Whereas a highly sex repulsed asexual "gives up sex" for Lent? Not much of a sacrifice considering they don't crave it in the first place and are incredibly disgusted by it.

I don't even care that I'm somehow most likely about to get to torn to shreds by this... I barely post here anymore anyway... =)

My favorite part of your post is that you liked your own post :D

(I do this all the time accidentally because I'm barely competent with technology)

[Sally]

Not everyone who is celibate is happy doing so. There are many reasons to be celibate but I'll bet that "to be happier" is not one of them.

But all asexuals, I'll bet, are definitely happy not to have sex, since they don't want it in the first place.

[tase]

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room, it's actually used to refer to oral and hand jobs, which is a complete oxymoron. Are you asking if an asexual can desire to masturbate with their partner are they still asexual or if one desires oral and hand jobs are they asexual? If the latter then no, they are not asexual. If it's the former... no? It's not sex so i suppose it still counts as asexual. It would just be a masturbation preference? There are sexual people who don't like to have penetrative sex but they're still sexual because they still desire sex, it's just specific.

I've been sitting on this question for a couple of weeks.

I'm not so worried about labels and stuff, but as far as I feel personally:

I don't believe I'm even demi as I have no desire to have piv sex ever.

I don't consider myself grey as I'm pretty positive about my feelings of never wanting to have sex again.

I have never experienced sexual attraction no matter which of the many definitions that have been floating around recently.

I've never once in my life experienced unwanted arousal. No teenage accidental hardons, I've never had a wet dream. I was married 20 and not one time did I initiate sex.

So I'm pretty convinced of my asexuality.

I do masturbate. I do enjoy porn. I never have an itch that needs to be scratch. I do it because it feels good and does help me sleep. Even watching porn there is no arousal (at least no hint of an erection) without self touching. I never think about sex as in sex never enters my brain (you know how they say some people think about sex x amount of times minute/hour) Never. Ok maybe when I'm tucked in done watching Fallon or Myers, I think oh yea it's time to check out some porn and masturbate.

Having said all that-if it actually ever happens that I do enter a relationship I would not be opposed to the two of us masturbating at the same time (keeping our hands to ourselves only). Now does that one little blip on the radar discredit my asexual status?

Like I said I'm not overly concerned with labels, but however we decide, I am still keeping asexual on my OKC profile or at minimum make it perfectly clear that I will not be having sex with any potential partner.

[Guest]

Now does that one little blip on the radar discredit my asexual status?

No way José. Do you have an innate desire for partnered sex? Definitely seems like no, not at all.

[Star Bit]

Oops, i put a no on answering the latter of my previous post where there should've been a yes. So yah, what Skullery just said.

[Qwerty321]

WE can be experts in sex and know about it more than sexual people :)

While i will agree that it's possible, i will also advise to not be cocky/assumptive that you actually do because you very well may not. Just like Skullery said, alot of asexuals have misconceptions (mainly because of a lack of proper information or assumptions).

I'm rather confused. It seems, yes, cause i felt aroused and there werent' any obstacles for having it. But then I found out I feel more comfortable while not having sex, so now I don't have any desire for partnered sex with anyone.

So you're just aroused by someone but you don't actually have the mental desire/impulse to have sex? Being "ok with it if it happens" isn't desire. As said above, arousal and desire are two different things. And acting sexually with someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deterrent; so that may explain why you get less pleasure from sex.

At the same time, I don't feel it's an orientation. I feel like not having partnered sex is more "practical" and easy than going for it and taking all inconveniences and risks, associating with it.

I think there might be a special label for the people like me, but i have no idea.

There's no label for someone like that, they're just either lazy (don't want to put in the effort despite desiring it), cautious (pregnancy, STDs), or asexual (never desiring sex with anyone). Are all the worries you listed actually preventing you from acting on your desires or are they just preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to sexually compromise?

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room, it's actually used to refer to oral and hand jobs, which is a complete oxymoron. Are you asking if an asexual desires to masturbate with their partner are they still asexual, or if one desires oral and hand jobs are they asexual? If the latter then no, they are not asexual. If it's the former... yes? It's not sex so i suppose it still counts as asexual. It would just be a masturbation preference? There are sexual people who don't like to have penetrative sex but they're still sexual because they still desire sex; it's just specific.

About my first attemp of a relationship (which failed), I can't say, what I felt: arousal or desire. I didn't want to be actually engaged in sexual activity, cause I was afraid. Does it count as "no desire"? About my ex, I overcame the fear, so I can say, I had a desire, but I have no idea, was it the desire of partnered sex with him, or just arousal and the desire of release?

I don't need sexual compromisse, cause I'm aromantic and don't desire a romantic relationship.

[Qwerty321]

Be honest, "enjoying sex" and "having no desire for sex" sounds a bit hypocritically for me.

Also many things "which don't invalidate your asexuality". It's like you said "A guy can enjoy gay erotica, fantasy about being with another guys, dreamed about it, and even have sex with another guys of curiousity and enjoy it, but he's still strictly strait, cause "he doesn't desire gay sex". Sounds doubtful.

[Guest]

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room

I don't know, when I say it, I definitely mean masturbating in the same room, and that's how I've always heard it used as well.

[Star Bit]

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room

I don't know, when I say it, I definitely mean masturbating in the same room, and that's how I've always heard it used as well.

Yah, ikr, but i googled it and that's what i got.

Be honest, "enjoying sex" and "having no desire for sex" sounds a bit hypocritically for me.

Also many things "which don't invalidate your asexuality". It's like you said "A guy can enjoy gay erotica, fantasy about being with another guys, dreamed about it, and even have sex with another guys of curiousity and enjoy it, but he's still strictly strait, cause "he doesn't desire gay sex". Sounds doubtful.

That's because you assume the two are always together. And there's an example to prove that that's wrong. Say you just had a piece of cake and it was ok; it was enjoyable but there's something about it that was lacking and you don't have the urge to have it again; having it again wouldn't be bad at all; it would be perfectly fine, but you still don't desire to have it again. Yes, this may sound like you're just not having good sex, but that is again an assumption; for one the asexual already does not desire sex, and let's also say they have been sexually versatile (even with different partners) and there's still no form of sex the person yearns for. Asexuals can enjoy sex for different reasons but not desire it. They can enjoy just orgasming, moral satisfaction by making their partner happy, and other things. And a heterosexual man can enjoy gay male erotica. (in fact it's common for males to be aroused by the sight of an erection so that preference makes sense) Just as many gay women watch that same erotica. And the highest porn search for heterosexual women is lesbian porn. What porn someone has the taste for does not disclose someones sexuality; sexual arousal is not sexual attraction. However, if a man fantasizes about themselves having sex with another man then that may point to them being bi or gay. And dreams are inconclusive; someone can fear being bi/gay (and let's say they're factually not but fear being different) and because it's frequently on their mind they have gay wet dreams. And yes, a man can try having sex with other men to see if they desire it, but just because they enjoyed it doesn't mean they want to go back to it.

[Star Bit]

double

[Qwerty321]

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room

I don't know, when I say it, I definitely mean masturbating in the same room, and that's how I've always heard it used as well.

Yah, ikr, but i googled it and that's what i got.

Be honest, "enjoying sex" and "having no desire for sex" sounds a bit hypocritically for me.

Also many things "which don't invalidate your asexuality". It's like you said "A guy can enjoy gay erotica, fantasy about being with another guys, dreamed about it, and even have sex with another guys of curiousity and enjoy it, but he's still strictly strait, cause "he doesn't desire gay sex". Sounds doubtful.

That's because you assume the two are always together. And there's an example to prove that that's wrong. Say you just had a piece of cake and it was ok; it was enjoyable but there's something about it that was lacking and you don't have the urge to have it again; having it again wouldn't be bad at all; it would be perfectly fine, but you still don't desire to have it again. Yes, this may sound like you're just not having good sex, but that is again an assumption; for one the asexual already does not desire sex, and let's also say they have been sexually versatile (even with different partners) and there's still no form of sex the person yearns for. Asexuals can enjoy sex for different reasons but not desire it. They can enjoy just orgasming, moral satisfaction by making their partner happy, and other things. And a heterosexual man can enjoy gay male erotica. (in fact it's common for males to be aroused by the sight of an erection so that preference makes sense) Just as many gay women watch that same erotica. And the highest porn search for heterosexual women is lesbian porn. What porn someone has the taste for does not disclose someones sexuality; sexual arousal is not sexual attraction. However, if a man fantasizes about themselves having sex with another man then that may point to them being bi or gay. And dreams are inconclusive; someone can fear being bi/gay (and let's say they're factually not but fear being different) and because it's frequently on their mind they have gay wet dreams. And yes, a man can try having sex with other men to see if they desire it, but just because they enjoyed it doesn't mean they want to go back to it.

From this point of view, I'm asexual, too. Generally saying, I wouldn't mind to have it partnered, but the benefits of it are less for me, than real and potential troubles it can cause. It seems I like more the sensation itself, than "partnered" part.

[Star Bit]

About my first attemp of a relationship (which failed), I can't say, what I felt: arousal or desire. I didn't want to be actually engaged in sexual activity, cause I was afraid. Does it count as "no desire"? About my ex, I overcame the fear, so I can say, I had a desire, but I have no idea, was it the desire of partnered sex with him, or just arousal and the desire of release?

I don't need sexual compromisse, cause I'm aromantic and don't desire a romantic relationship.

If fear was all you felt; even before sex was asked for and you still had no desire for it, then yah, that counts as no desire. A sexual person can be nervous about their first time, but they still have those desires. Being put in a vulnerable intimate situation that you don't have the impulse to partake in, as well as it being your first time, can explain strong fear.

[Qwerty321]

About my first attemp of a relationship (which failed), I can't say, what I felt: arousal or desire. I didn't want to be actually engaged in sexual activity, cause I was afraid. Does it count as "no desire"? About my ex, I overcame the fear, so I can say, I had a desire, but I have no idea, was it the desire of partnered sex with him, or just arousal and the desire of release?

I don't need sexual compromisse, cause I'm aromantic and don't desire a romantic relationship.

If fear was all you felt; even before sex was asked for and you still had no desire for it, then yah, that counts as no desire. A sexual person can be nervous about their first time, but they still have those desires. Being put in a vulnerable intimate situation that you don't have the impulse to partake in, as well as it being your first time can explain strong fear.

No, I expierenced strong arousal (or desire? I can't distinguish them), when we just talked to each other, so I suppose he understood it and was ready to act, but I didn't expect it, so when he suggested it, I felt fear and gave up.

[Star Bit]

A key point in that example you highlighted (which i can't really word to fit in the example but that's also not apart of what i said the example would explain so i don't have to) is basically that the person never had the urge to have the cake in the first place either; that asexuals both don't have the mental impulse to have sex with anyone specific, nor the desire to have a sexual relationship in general (which despite sounding the same can be two different things). Wanting to relieve arousal is normal, but the thing is if you had the desire/preference/wish to/long to satisfy it with another person. If you weren't expecting the praposal of sex despite being aroused, then it sounds like you didn't desire it in the first place.

[Qwerty321]

I don't understand which the difference between "the desire to have partnered sex" and "the desire of any sexual activity in general".

[Qwerty321]

For example, if a woman want penetrating and having her G-point stimulated, is it the same as "the desire of partnered sex"?

[Star Bit]

Sexual people can desire sex in general or they can find someone sexually attractive; the impulse to have sex with someone specific; really the difference between the two is the word specific; one has a target and the other doesn't. Let's compare it to hunger(sexual attraction) and appetite (desire for sex in general); they're both a desire for food but for two slightly different reasons. And basically that an asexual has neither.

Having sexual preferences doesn't mean you desire sex. It just means "Hay, if I'm going to eat this dish that i don't really want then it hast to be a specific way."

[Qwerty321]

I don't understand the difference between the desire to have partnered sex and the desire to masturbate, for example. Is penetrating the difference?

[Star Bit]

No.... Hmm....

Do you desire to do genital involving things to anyone's body? (not including your own)

[Mundane Mesh]

I don't understand the difference between the desire to have partnered sex and the desire to masturbate, for example. Is penetrating the difference?

The difference is if it involves contact with another person or not. If you do it alone it's not partnered, if you do it with someone else it is.

[Qwerty321]

A good question. It seems, not really. I like my own sensations most of all. Though, I did that stuff to pleasure my partner, and I had a kind of pleasure of being "active" and having "kinda power" above him... That's all...

[Qwerty321]

I don't understand the difference between the desire to have partnered sex and the desire to masturbate, for example. Is penetrating the difference?

The difference is if it involves contact with another person or not. If you do it alone it's not partnered, if you do it with someone else it is.

How can I get for sure, if I desire to do it alone or with someone else? I never thought about it.

[Mundane Mesh]

Hmm. I don't really have the definitive answer to that, but here are some random thoughts that may or may not be helpful:

I guess many find that sex is more fulfilling than masturbation. Maybe they do masturbate, but think that sex is more enjoyable. But that doesn't mean that you always have to prefer partnered sex. Some couples masturbate despite having the ability to do it together. Sometimes doing it alone might be more convenient, but that doesn't make you asexual.

You have to remember though, that desire isn't really about whether you find it more enjoyable or not while you do it, it's about whether you desire to do it in the first place or not. If you find that you would rather never have sex with anyone ever again than have sex with someone, you might be asexual, but that alone isn't the only factor. People can have sex only to pleasure their partner, but not get anything from it for themselves or choose to not have sex despite of their desires (depending on how strong their sexual attraction is).

An interesting thought experiment I came up with just now: What about if your partner had the exact same attitude towards sex that you do, would you still have sex? If so, why? If you do it because you prefer it over masturbating alone, that might be because you do desire it, but if you wouldn't care in the slightest or would prefer to not have sex, then you maybe don't have any desire to do it and only did it because of your partner. (As I said, this was just something I came up with as I wrote it, so it's not any proof or disproof of your sexuality, just a thought I had that maybe could help you to come to a conclusion.)

Edit(s): Why doesn't my browser's spell check work for AVEN? So many spelling mistakes!

[Star Bit]

Though, I did that stuff to pleasure my partner, and I had a kind of pleasure of being "active" and having "kinda power" above him... That's all...

You liked being dominant, but liking something about sex and desiring sex are two different things. So without sex being proposed, you wouldn't be having sex/don't have thoughts of you having sex with anyone go through your mind?

[Qwerty321]

Hmm. I don't really have the definitive answer to that, but here are some random thoughts that may or may not be helpful:

I guess many find that sex is more fulfilling than masturbation. Maybe they do masturbate, but think that sex is more enjoyable. But that doesn't mean that you always have to prefer partnered sex. Some couples masturbate despite having the ability to do it together. Sometimes doing it alone might be more convenient, but that doesn't make you asexual.

You have to remember though, that desire isn't really about whether you find it more enjoyable or not while you do it, it's about whether you desire to do it in the first place or not. If you find that you would rather never have sex with anyone ever again than have sex with someone, you might be asexual, but that alone isn't the only factor. People can have sex only to pleasure their partner, but not get anything from it for themselves or choose to not have sex despite of their desires (depending on how strong their sexual attraction is).

An interesting thought experiment I came up with just now: What about if your partner had the exact same attitude towards sex that you do, would you still have sex? If so, why? If you do it because you prefer it over masturbating alone, that might be because you do desire it, but if you wouldn't care in the slightest or would prefer to not have sex, then you maybe don't have any desire to do it and only did it because of your partner. (As I said, this was just something I came up with as I wrote it, so it's not any proof or disproof of your sexuality, just a thought I had that maybe could help you to come to a conclusion.)

Edit(s): Why doesn't my browser's spell check work for AVEN? So many spelling mistakes!

I agree, cause the variety of sensations is more. Does desiring some sensations that aren't available with masturbation make you desire partnered sex? Or it's just desire of sensations?

Probably, no. There are benefits of partnered sex, as I wrote above, but for me they don't worth the risks. (It's for now, I can't be sure how it will be in the future).

_{P.S. Dont't worry about spelling, I'm not a native.}

Though, I did that stuff to pleasure my partner, and I had a kind of pleasure of being "active" and having "kinda power" above him... That's all...

You liked being dominant, but liking something about sex and desiring sex are two different things. So without sex being proposed, you wouldn't be having sex/don't have thoughts of you having sex with anyone go through your mind?

Yes, I do, but in that relationship I supressed that desire.

Now I've got a thought, it may sounds freaky, but maybe I would prefer have sex as a male. Maybe, that's the reason of my confusion. I can enjoy it as a female, cause I still get my release, but maybe that's the reason I can't distinguish if I desire it partnered or not, cause I only concentrate on my own physical sensations?

[Qwerty321]

I want to add something else. It seems, untill I feel an emotional attraction to my partner, I perceive sex with him as "advanced masturbation" or something, hard to explain...

[Mundane Mesh]

Does desiring some sensations that aren't available with masturbation make you desire partnered sex? Or it's just desire of sensations?

You could probably dedicate an entire thread to that question alone. I think people will have different answers to this question, but I think it's an important and fundamental question to ask and I'm interested to see what people would say about it. I certainly don't have the answer. I'll have to think about it for a while.

My initial thought would be that it is a desire for partnered sex, because if desire for partnered sex isn't about desiring sexual sensations with other people, then what is a desire for partnered sex? In either case, it seems like you could maybe at least be in the grey area, since you don't seem to find sex to be that important. Maybe you do experience sexual attraction, but to a low extent? Once again, I don't have the answers.

[Qwerty321]

Does desiring some sensations that aren't available with masturbation make you desire partnered sex? Or it's just desire of sensations?

You could probably dedicate an entire thread to that question alone. I think people will have different answers to this question, but I think it's an important and fundamental question to ask and I'm interested to see what people would say about it. I certainly don't have the answer. I'll have to think about it for a while.

My initial thought would be that it is a desire for partnered sex, because if desire for partnered sex isn't about desiring sexual sensations with other people, then what is a desire for partnered sex? In either case, it seems like you could maybe at least be in the grey area, since you don't seem to find sex to be that important. Maybe you do experience sexual attraction, but to a low extent? Once again, I don't have the answers.

OK, I'll make a special thread for that :)

[Lost247365]

Maybe rather than describing it directly, it might be more useful to define the opposite and use that as contrast?

Say you find sex a very awkward and unpleasant experience. Simply put you don't enjoy it. But, you find yourself wanting to engage in it time and time again in spite of this. Like being really hungry, but only having the one food you hate most in this world available. Eventually your desire to eat is going to overcome your distaste for the particular food. This would be an example of not finding sex pleasurable but desiring it.

A sex favorable asexual is the opposite of that. That don't have any hunger and will never seek out sex, but when they do they find it enjoyable. Like being offered and accepting one of your favorite candy when you aren't hungry.

At least that is how I imagine it. I also posted in your individual thread.

[Qwerty321]

I understand your analogy with food, and I expierenced something like that, when I stayed in the hospital, and I found some of hospital meal really disgusting, but I lost much weight and felt so hungry while recovering, that I indeed ate that meal with a large desire, despite I still found it disgusting.

But I can't enjoy even my favourite meal when I don't feel a desire to eat.