Activities that do not Invalidate your Asexuality

[Lost247365]

Being an asexual living in sexual world can be a very trying and confusing experience.

Quite often, one finds themself experiencing situations that, due to their sensual or erotic nature, can cause one to question and doubt their own identity as an asexual. However, asexuality is not about behavior, but rather it is about lacking sexual attraction--the ability to desire to have sex, or partnered genital stimulation for physical or emotional pleasure with others.

With that in mind, I wanted to list some of these common situations and activities that we asexuals can choose to engage in that, despite their sexual connotations, do not invalidate us as asexuals. Below are things that an asexual can do while still being asexual:

• We can get aroused or have fetishes/kinks. Arousal is just a physiological reaction; unless one experiences sexual attraction or desire for sex with others one is still asexual.

• We can Masturbate. Despite this we are still neutral or repulsed by the idea of having sex with another person.

• We can fantasize about sex or about people, characters, and celebrities. Envisioning people other than ourselves, and/or viewing it in third person as opposed to imagining it in first person, does not mean you desire sex. Further, sexual attraction in a fantasy or in fiction is exactly that, fantasy and fiction.

• We can experience attraction. There are multiple types of attraction and If one does not desire sex with others , then those attractions are not sexual attraction.

• We can and might be wiling to have sex for reasons other than desiring it for its own sake (ie procreation or wanting to make a partner happy). We can even require a bond before being comfortable with sexually compromise and this doesn't make us demisexual.

• We can enjoy sex. Just like a sample of food can taste good when you have no hunger or appetite, enjoying sex does not mean one desires it with others.

• We can have wet dreams. Again this is physiological and does not mean that one desires sex

• We can have mental ailments, but that doesn't change the fact that we still lack a desire for sex and are asexual.

• We can be virgins. You don't have to try something to know if you desire it or not.

• We can have a high libido. But so long as one does not experience sexual attraction, you are still asexual.

• We can make out and have other types of non-sex based forms of foreplay. If it isn't sex you are desiring you are still asexual.

• We can write erotic storie or tell sex jokes. In fact, we can tell some of the dirties sex jokes around! Still doesn't mean we experience sexual desire.

And it should go without saying, that even if you were abused in some way, that does not disqualify you as being an asexual.

So if you experience one or more of these situations, please don't feel as if they undermine your identity as an asexual. It is you and your lack of sexual attraction or desire for sex with others that defines you as an asexual. Nothing else.

If anything these things are more about personality traits than orientation, and these are just some traits that we can share with sexuals.

Just remember, these things are normal and not anything you should feel shame over or need to worry about.

*Special Thanks in creating this thread to Starbit who was a major contributor and suggested the thread. Also, special thanks to Frigid Pink, PanFicto, Torquil, and others who contributed from the census forum's "Defining asexuality - a better definition?" thread.

[ThaHoward]

We can tell dirty jokes :p

[Lost247365]

We can tell dirty jokes :P

In fact, we tell the dirtiest jokes

[Custos]

Ah, it's so nice to see a post like this. Just a little bit of that extra reassurance :)

[Qwerty321]

Reading it, I started to think, if I'm asexual, too? I've never definited myself like that, cause I have rather strong libido, often think about erotic stuff, find some people attractive, feel aroused and yes, I need to pleasure myself from time to time. And when I had sex before, I found it enjoyable enough, though I never felt orgasm because of it. And yes, sometimes I dreamed about having sex with fictional people (I mean they weren't real people I knew in my life, but something that was created by my imagination).

So, I thought all that things are prevent me from labeling myself as asexual. But there is also some thing that may be an evidence of my possible asexuality. I haven't had sex for years and feel more comfortable psychologically not having it. Firstly, I don't want any romantic relationship, cause it burdens me. And I also don't want one night stands, cause it may be dangerous. Secondly, I feel safer, cause there is no chance to get pregnant and catch a STD. Now I wonder, if I started to have sex with another person because I really wanted it or just because I feel it seemed cool? I remember when i was a virgin I fantasied many times about it, and sometimes I thought it was great to have something like "a sexual robot" that can perfectly imitate a human body and behaviour. But at the same time I'm in doubts, cause my first attemt of a relationship failed, we were on a date and I remember I feel kinda strong arousal and he was ready to act, but I get scared and did nothing and then left him. Also when i dated my ex, I felt arousal near him.

[Guest]

WE can be experts in sex and know about it more than sexual people :)

[Lost247365]

Reading it, I started to think, if I'm asexual, too? I've never definited myself like that, cause I have rather strong libido, often think about erotic stuff, find some people attractive, feel aroused and yes, I need to pleasure myself from time to time. And when I had sex before, I found it enjoyable enough, though I never felt orgasm because of it. And yes, sometimes I dreamed about having sex with fictional people (I mean they weren't real people I knew in my life, but something that was created by my imagination).

So, I thought all that things are prevent me from labeling myself as asexual. But there is also some thing that may be an evidence of my possible asexuality. I haven't had sex for years and feel more comfortable psychologically not having it. Firstly, I don't want any romantic relationship, cause it burdens me. And I also don't want one night stands, cause it may be dangerous. Secondly, I feel safer, cause there is no chance to get pregnant and catch a STD. Now I wonder, if I started to have sex with another person because I really wanted it or just because I feel it seemed cool? I remember when i was a virgin I fantasied many times about it, and sometimes I thought it was great to have something like "a sexual robot" that can perfectly imitate a human body and behaviour. But at the same time I'm in doubts, cause my first attemt of a relationship failed, we were on a date and I remember I feel kinda strong arousal and he was ready to act, but I get scared and did nothing and then left him. Also when i dated my ex, I felt arousal near him.

Well keeping with AVEN's definition given above, did you experience sexual attraction to him? Did you ever experience the desire to have sexual contact with him or anyone else? That really is the only thing you need to wonder about.

[Guest]

WE can be experts in sex and know about it more than sexual people :)

Not judging from the information and conversations around here...

[Qwerty321]

I'm rather confused. It seems, yes, cause i felt aroused and there werent' any obstacles for having it. But then I found out I feel more comfortable while not having sex, so now I don't have any desire for partnered sex with anyone.

[Lost247365]

I'm rather confused. It seems, yes, cause i felt aroused and there werent' any obstacles for having it. But then I found out I feel more comfortable while not having sex, so now I don't have any desire for partnered sex with anyone.

So if there were no negative external consequences of living the rest of your life without having sex, would you? Or would you still want to have sex with whoever you want for whatever reason at some point?

[Qwerty321]

Maybe, it's what you call TMI here on the forum, but it's nessessary to answer your question. I wish I could feel something inside, not only outside. But it's not that important if it partnered or not. Actually in my dreams I almost never see details, like faces, bodies, genitalies and so on. It's mainly feelings and sensations.

[Qwerty321]

At the same time, I don't feel it's an orientation. I feel like not having partnered sex is more "practical" and easy than going for it and taking all inconveniences and risks, associating with it.

I think there might be a special label for the people like me, but i have no idea.

[Lost247365]

Well, some people have called asexuality a "lack" of orientation in the past. Maybe that is why you feel that way?

I can't tell you how to identify, but if you would be happy never having sex again, that sounds like you have no desire for sexual contact with others-no sexual attraction, so I would say you qualify. But, you should identify the way that feels most comfortable to you. Maybe, if you are feeling unsure, you should try it for a short while and see if it feels right? Sometimes, just trying it on for a while can provide insight.

It is not like there is a penalty for being wrong. If it not right for you, you can change how you identify later.

[Guest]

I'm having a hard time understanding how choosing to be celibate is any different from being asexual, if the definition is "would be ok never having sex again".

[ThaHoward]

Because asexuality isn't a choice?

[Lost247365]

Celibate is a choice and vow one takes to never have sex again, whether they want to have sex with others or not. Asexuality is lacking the potential to desire to have sex with others for its own sake. That said, I specifically chose that question from an exchange I saw you have back in the census thread not too long ago Skullery.

[Qwerty321]

Well, I like to lable things, that's a kind of problem for me sometimes :) I like to classify things, but finally get in the fix and failed with it, there is always something undefined. Actually it's not a big deal, and don't have much of practical sense.

I feel like I don't mind having partnered sex, but there are so many "if" that I prefer not having it. Like "If I could be sure about the person, that I wouldn't abuse by them, and it the same time there wouldn't any need for romance, and I would be absolutely sure I wouldn't get pregnant or catch a STD, and also I would be able to act like agender/gender fluide and there wouldn't be a need to act "feminine" and also care about how I look like much, and I would be sure I wouldn't emotionally dependant of them..." so it seems utopic, but I'm still not sure, if I want to keep obstain for the rest of my life.

[Guest]

Celibate people would be happy never having sex again. Asexual people would be happy never having sex again.

Their answers would be identical.

That's a problem.

Having sex is always a choice, so saying "it's a choice" isn't helpful.

Celibate is a choice and vow one takes to never have sex again, whether they want to have sex with others or not. Asexuality is lacking the potential to desire to have sex with others for its own sake. That said, I specifically chose that question from an exchange I saw you have back in the census thread not too long ago Skullery.

Oh I was just being nice and didn't feel like arguing.

[ThaHoward]

How do you know every asexual would be happy with that? A major difference is still, that a celibate is any type of sexual and "naturally" want sex/expreience sexual attraction/desire and for whatever reason do not wish to fullfill these goals. An asexual person don't experience that in the first place. They haven't chosen to not have sex, just like most heterosexual persons don't "choose" to not have sex with the same sex/gender.

[Hardly any]

Well, having sex is always a choice, but desiring it isn't.

I mean if the amount of stressed out sexual partners here are anything to go by, desiring sex is so not a choice, or else more sexuals dating asexuals could choose celibacy without posting angsty threads about it.

I get the impression that if I sought sex out as a thing I'd meet way more potential partners and romantic relationships would be way easier to obtain. But it's not something I can do, have that desire for bonin'. It's not by choice that I can't; I want a romantic relationship so bad.

[Guest]

How do you know every asexual would be happy with that? A major difference is still, that a celibate is any type of sexual and "naturally" want sex/expreience sexual attraction/desire and for whatever reason do not wish to fullfill these goals. An asexual person don't experience that in the first place. They haven't chosen to not have sex, just like most heterosexual persons don't "choose" to not have sex with the same sex/gender.

Howard.

Come on.

I know what asexuality is.

My point is, asking "would you be ok being celibate" isn't going to help you identify asexuals. Qwerty, for example, doesn't want to have sex due to worry, it seems... that sounds like celibacy to me, not asexuality. In any case, if the definition we're going with in this thread is "is ok never having sex", that's not asexuality only, that encompasses a lot of other folk as well.

Well, having sex is always a choice, but desiring it isn't.

I mean if the amount of stressed out sexual partners here are anything to go by, desiring sex is so not a choice, or else more sexuals dating asexuals could choose celibacy without posting angsty threads about it.

I get the impression that if I sought sex out as a thing I'd meet way more potential partners and romantic relationships would be way easier to obtain. But it's not something I can do, have that desire for bonin'. It's not by choice that I can't; I want a romantic relationship so bad.

Again, I know what asexuality is. Could you please address my actual point?

[ThaHoward]

Oh okay. I thought you said that asexuality and celibacy is the same as both are happy not having sex..

[Hardly any]

Oh I actually agree with you, I'm just yakkin' 'cause I'm the least helpful person on the internet.

[Guest]

Oh okay. I thought you said that asexuality and celibacy is the same as both are happy not having sex..

I'm saying according to the definition in this thread, they are.

Oh I actually agree with you, I'm just yakkin' 'cause I'm the least helpful person on the internet.

Oh ok, well, same!

[Lost247365]

Sigh, AVEN's quote system is really awkward and unintuitive...

Celibate people would be happy never having sex again. Asexual people would be happy never having sex again.

Their answers would be identical.

That's a problem.

Having sex is always a choice, so saying "it's a choice" isn't helpful.

Well, whether they would be "happy" about never having sex again would depend upon the person and the sense in which you mean. If we are talking about a sexual celibate person, they might be "happy" in the sense that they know they will fulfill their vow, but not so much in the sense of having an innate desire going unfulfilled.

That said, wouldn't the difference would be that celibate people doesn't would be "happy" not to have sex because they took a vow; whereas, an asexual person would be happy not having sex because they don't have any desire to engage in sex in the first place. Whether they have any desire to have sex is irrelevant. Having a instinctually driven desire to have sex or not is immaterial to whether one is celibate or not.

Celibate is a choice and vow one takes to never have sex again, whether they want to have sex with others or not. Asexuality is lacking the potential to desire to have sex with others for its own sake. That said, I specifically chose that question from an exchange I saw you have back in the census thread not too long ago Skullery.

Oh I was just being nice and didn't feel like arguing.

Sorry, I took that exchange to mean that everyone was in agreement with that point. My apologies.

I'm saying according to the definition in this thread, they are.

To be fair, the definition from this thread is based on AVEN's definition (particularly to avoid derailing it in a definition debate) banner at the top and the definition of sexual attraction they give in the FAQ.

However, asexuality is not about behavior but rather it is about lacking sexual attraction-the ability to desire to have sex with others.

My purpose with that question was just to clarify.

That said, the reason I made this thread was not to create yet another "what is the definition of asexuality" thread but to reassure people who identify as asexual, but are suffering from doubts due to the given bullet points, that none of these activities disqualify them from being asexual.

[Guest]

1. Celibacy doesn't require a vow. It simply requires someone abstaining from sex. Generally people abstain because they want to abstain. Therefore, they would be happy to abstain. Amongst other things, repulsed sexuals would be thrilled to abstain.

2. Asking "would you be happy being celibate" is very clearly going to include celibate people. Therefore, it's not a good litmus test for asexuality. It's entirely based on behavior, not feelings.

[AsexuallyME]

What if a non repressed incredibly active horny craving it all the time sexual gives up sex for Lent? Probably a bit of sacrifice on their part.

Whereas a highly sex repulsed asexual "gives up sex" for Lent? Not much of a sacrifice considering they don't crave it in the first place and are incredibly disgusted by it.

I don't even care that I'm somehow most likely about to get to torn to shreds by this... I barely post here anymore anyway... =)

[Mundane Mesh]

I agree that asexuals can get aroused by sexual content, can masturbate, can fantasize about sex, can experience (non-sexual) attraction, can experience arousal, can have sex, can enjoy sex, can have wet dreams, can have fetishes/kinks and can be virgins.

Whether celibates/sexuals/asexuals are happy with not having sex or not doesn't really matter in this context. People can have/abstain from sex for any reason, but in either case that choice doesn't determine your orientation. But what the question boils down to, if you do choose to have sex, is whether you were motivated to do so because of attraction or not. And regardless of whether you have sex, are you sexually atracted to people or not? You can't get an easy yes, no answer based on your behavior, you have to determine the answer for yourself.

But as Lost247365 said, this thread is about things that doesn't disqualify your asexuality. It's not about determining what your sexuality is.

[tase]

Mutual Masturbation??

[Star Bit]

WE can be experts in sex and know about it more than sexual people :)

While i will agree that it's possible, i will also advise to not be cocky/assumptive that you actually do because you very well may not. Just like Skullery said, alot of asexuals have misconceptions (mainly because of a lack of proper information or assumptions).

I'm rather confused. It seems, yes, cause i felt aroused and there werent' any obstacles for having it. But then I found out I feel more comfortable while not having sex, so now I don't have any desire for partnered sex with anyone.

So you're just aroused by someone but you don't actually have the mental desire/impulse to have sex? Being "ok with it if it happens" isn't desire. As said above, arousal and desire are two different things. And acting sexually with someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deterrent; so that may explain why you get less pleasure from sex.

At the same time, I don't feel it's an orientation. I feel like not having partnered sex is more "practical" and easy than going for it and taking all inconveniences and risks, associating with it.

I think there might be a special label for the people like me, but i have no idea.

There's no label for someone like that, they're just either lazy (don't want to put in the effort despite desiring it), cautious (pregnancy, STDs), or asexual (never desiring sex with anyone). Are all the worries you listed actually preventing you from acting on your desires or are they just preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to sexually compromise?

Mutual Masturbation??

Despite how it sounds, this term is not used to mean you and your partner masturbate in the same room, it's actually used to refer to oral and hand jobs, which is a complete oxymoron. Are you asking if an asexual desires to masturbate with their partner are they still asexual, or if one desires oral and hand jobs are they asexual? If the latter then no, they are not asexual. If it's the former... yes? It's not sex so i suppose it still counts as asexual. It would just be a masturbation preference? There are sexual people who don't like to have penetrative sex but they're still sexual because they still desire sex; it's just specific.