Trying to figure out sex drive/craving for sex

[m4rble]

That sounds totally normal, especially if you are fairly young and haven't dated much. I think that if you have a chance to date someone you have a crush on and try hugging and touching that person, there's about a 99% chance you will eventually want to go further than that.

Well I am 20 years old so that's post puberty. I could develop sexual feelings for someone in the future. I don't think anyone is really "totally normal" , they can just be closer or farther from an average. How can you be 99 percent sure about what will or won't happen in the future of anyone, much less someone you've never even met?

[nanogretchen4]

Twenty is slightly older than I expected, but still no big deal. You're right, I should have said average rather than normal. I'm bisexual and demisexual myself. Some people certainly are asexual and that's completely okay. My 99% estimate comes from AVEN's estimate of what percentage of the population is totally asexual. You are past puberty, and you have indeed experienced both sexual and romantic attraction by your own account. You don't seem to be hypersexual, but in the absence of any strong evidence to the contrary it's likely you're somewhere in the 99% rather than in the 1%. Lots of people don't have really specific sexual desires until they have actual experience with someone they have strong feelings for.

[m4rble]

Twenty is slightly older than I expected, but still no big deal. You're right, I should have said average rather than normal. I'm bisexual and demisexual myself. Some people certainly are asexual and that's completely okay. My 99% estimate comes from AVEN's estimate of what percentage of the population is totally asexual. You are past puberty, and you have indeed experienced both sexual and romantic attraction by your own account. You don't seem to be hypersexual, but in the absence of any strong evidence to the contrary it's likely you're somewhere in the 99% rather than in the 1%. Lots of people don't have really specific sexual desires until they have actual experience with someone they have strong feelings for.

I agree with you that I'm not likely to be totally asexual. If I didn't I wouldn't have tried to describe what I thought sexual attraction felt like. Instead I just ended up confusing myself. I didn't just mean I didn't have specific sexual desires I meant that I didn't feel arousal from looking at people (which you may have understood, It's really hard for me to find/understand exact words to describe this). When you say, "Lot's of people don't have really specific desires until they have actual experience with someone they have strong feelings for" you seem to be describing demisexuals pretty well, though that might not be the exact definition. While this all may be true I think a large portion of the population does feel sexual attraction once they're post puberty even without sexual experience or an emotional connection.Otherwise the media wouldn't be so obsessed with showing skin to sell products or get views. Since I've only experienced sexual attraction in a very limited way, I think my romantic orientation is more important than my sexual orientation, however, it seems like if people would be likely to take my sexual orientation more seriously than my romantic orientation if I made a distinction between the two. There seems to be this idea in our culture that sex should be either the center of a relationship or the end goal. This way of viewing romantic relationships seems a little stressful for me because I'm not sure I can successfully fulfill this "goal" in the context of any given relationship. I'm glad to know there are people out there who don't feel sex is the main purpose or end goal of all romantic interaction because it helps me to redefine what a what a romantic relationship could mean. This may be a nitpick but you didn't say there was a 99% that I was not totally asexual, you said there was a 99% chance I would want to take things further if I began hugging or touching a person I was in a relationship with. I thought this was a bit presumptuous. I actually have dated both men and women(not a whole lot but a little), but I've never felt like I wanted to go much farther than hand holding and hugging. I've broken up because I felt that my partner at very least wanted to kiss me which was something I was uncomfortable with doing(not simply because of a lack of sexual attraction but because I feel uncomfortable with certain types of physical touch in general, this may be related to the fact that I'm on the autism spectrum) I've never really been a relationship long enough to know if I would eventually want to "take things further" in that context, but I feel better if I think of it as an option rather than a necessity.

I didn't mean to post so much about myself specifically on a thread that was meant to be about what it's like to experience sexual attraction in general. I'm sorry if I led the conversation off track or seemed overly specific or sensitive.

[m4rble]

To be clear,I was saying I don't really have specific sexual desires or arousal when I said, "I didn't just mean I didn't have specific sexual desires I meant that I didn't feel arousal from looking at people" I believe I have felt sexual attraction but only rarely and to people I know, which I suppose may make me demisexual or demisexualish. My sexual desired may increase if I get into a serious relationship with someone (if I can successfully get that far). Even if I do get more feelings, I may not necessarily want to act on them because I feel uncomfortable with certain types of touch and because I'm a bit averse to the idea of sexual things. Additionally, my romantic orientation doesn't exactly match my sexual orientation which further complicates things. Just trying to clarify some of the stuff I said in my previous post.

[nanogretchen4]

Makes sense. Probably the reason your experiences sounded pretty typical to me is because they sound pretty similar to my own experiences prior to my first relationship. But come to think of it I'm demisexual, so yeah. Personally, I'm not averse to any of the most common activities provided I'm in love with the person I'm doing them with. Anyway, I meant no offense. Best of luck getting everything figured out.

[m4rble]

Maybe I just needed to write some of my feelings down in order to understand them- I don't know *sigh*

[Guest]

To be clear,I was saying I don't really have specific sexual desires or arousal when I said, "I didn't just mean I didn't have specific sexual desires I meant that I didn't feel arousal from looking at people" I believe I have felt sexual attraction but only rarely and to people I know, which I suppose may make me demisexual or demisexualish. My sexual desired may increase if I get into a serious relationship with someone (if I can successfully get that far). Even if I do get more feelings, I may not necessarily want to act on them because I feel uncomfortable with certain types of touch and because I'm a bit averse to the idea of sexual things. Additionally, my romantic orientation doesn't exactly match my sexual orientation which further complicates things. Just trying to clarify some of the stuff I said in my previous post.

I don't know, I read through and you sound more asexual than me (I am grey-asexual in that I am too ''sexual'' generally for a fully asexual person, but will never be sexual enough to have a sexual relationship with a sexual person. I only have relationships with people on the asexual spectrum now) .. Pretty much what defines my sexuality is the fact that I have no desire for, or interest in, having actual partnered sex, no matter how in love with and/or sexually attracted to someone I am. I can be sensual, kinky, dirty, perverted, but I'm not interested in having sex... which obviously is an epic downer for any sexual person, especially if I'm being sensual and flirty all the time.. pretty much that's just laying a feast out for a starving person and not letting them eat it. But with an asexual, I can do all that without it ever leading to sex, which is amazing. What you described doesn't even sound like sexual attraction to me, it sounds more like physical attraction, or even just strong aesthetic attraction. Sexual attraction is the type of attraction that makes you want to connect sexually with someone, or I read a sexual person here on AVEN describe it for him as ''the type of attraction that makes you think ''I'd have sex with him/her''

However, sexual attraction is meaningless when it comes to defining asexuality because not all sexual people feel it and it's not always (or even often) the main factor in who they choose to have sex with. Also, I have noticed they often describe it differently from sexual person to sexual person.. so it doesn't seem to even be one specific thing exactly, but a range of things that vary in strength and importance. Sexual people have sex for all sorts of reasons, and sexual attraction is only *one* of the many different ways a sexual person might choose who to have sex with. The defining factor in sexuality however, is the underlying desire for partnered sexual contact under some circumstances (and which gender/s you desire partnered sex with defines your sexual orientation). Lots of virgins still know for a fact that they want sex, even if they are a bit scared of it and don't know how it works, they still know they want it. Some people don't discover their innate desire for sex until they fall in love, then once in a relationship they realize how much they do desire and love sex, but only with people they love, not just with people in general. It's so different for so many people, it's impossible to pinpoint all the different ways someones innate desire may express itself. But what I'm getting at is that it doesn't matter if you experience sexual attraction or not, you can still be asexual if you have no innate desire for partnered sexual contact (or grey asexual depending on how your sexual attraction manifests itself)

The only way in your case to know for certain though would yeah, be to have a relationship, try sexual stuff etc if you can, and see where it goes. Eventually you'll know one way or another whether you have an innate desire for sex or not.. a preference to have sex over masturbation under some circumstances (though in saying that plenty of asexual people know they are asexual without having to have sex, just depends on the person)

If I was you, I would go with grey-asexual until you know one way or another, but of course it's up to you to label yourself however feels best for you :)

[m4rble]

PanFicto- Yeah, I guess you're right- I just don't know yet how do label myself yet.Just wondering, does demisexual fall under the grey-sexual/grey-asexual umbrella?Also is there a difference between grey-sexual and grey-asexual? Anyway, thanks for everyone's input. : :)

[Star Bit]

Yes, Demi is between sexual and asexual; having characteristics of both simultaneously (e.g. lithsexual) or at different times (e.g. demisexual). Gray-asexual is closer to being asexual (e.g. sexual desire being rare or low) and Gray-sexual is closer to being sexual (can't think of one atm lol). An asexual does not desire sex, a Gray-A desires sex but [insert unusual condition].