How to deal with it?

[jojo2015]

Hi,

By way of introduction a short new topic.

I am a hetero sexual male in a relationship of almost 20 years with what I think (reading through the information on this site) is an a-romantic, asexual partner. She does not want to put a label on her feelings and refuses to discuss anything related to this issue.

I am deeply in love with her and we have a lovely child, which she and I adore alike and she is a great partner and mother. There, it seems fairly clear that I have no intention whatsoever to leave this relationship and on many parts we are completely happy. Except the intimacy part.

And with that I do not mean just sexual intimacy, I mean all kinds. She does not like to be cuddled, held or kissed, let alone have any form of sexual relationship (yes, we do have a child, but there are other ways to get pregnant). She is absolutely sexually repulsed and does not even like me cuddling with her in bed. When we started our relationship there was intimacy, but it got less and less over the years. I have been celibate for close to 11 years now.

She does not feel the need to change or compromise, which is fair, because you can't change who you are right. In the meantime, I will need to deal with the difference in our needs. Talking about it is difficult, because she feels I will accuse her (which I do not intend, but I agree sometimes in my mind I do) for not being a good partner.

How to deal with this disparity and what can I do to alleviate some of the stress that is building up every now and then?

Thanks for your kind assistance already, reading through the posts. It is good to know I am not alone.

[MPC]

I'm pretty new here as well but thankfully there are some "old sages" who will offer you support. My situation isn't as bad as yours (yet) but this is an extremely painful thing to deal with.

[Lady Girl]

It can be really tough sometimes...but I think that if you make a firm decision as to what direction you want to go and stay the course, you can do it. You kind of have to decide if you're going to stay or not and then make a plan based on that. If you stay, part of your plan should be figuring out how you can accept what is. It's pretty important to make sure you can be happy and satisfied in a relationship (if you're not, then what's the point).

If you are staying (which it sounds like you are), and you want to deal with the disparity and alleviate stress, my best advice is to recognize that you're in a non traditional relationship (by your own choice). And when you feel bad about your choice, let yourself feel bad, but don't waste time pulling yourself out of the doldrums.