keidero Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 My views about sex and my sexual identity have always been a roller coster after a very long ride i have come to the conclusion i am asexual , i lived as straight heterosexual and had sex many different times until i was 45 but no relationship latest for more than a few months but one and always sex was a like a chore i needed to do and my mind was never on the actaul act i was always doing mental stuff so i could get through it wondering when it would be over. i finally married at 35 but i married because of an emotional attachment and was able to have sex and produce a child but even right from the begining i had to do those mental tricks to do things. the sex slowed then quit and i nevef felt better and thought everything in my marrage was great , until my wife informed me things needed to change in 6 months or she was gone i knew nothing about asexuality and belived i was gay ( since i talked to guys online and it ended up very romatic and sexual ) i came out to my wife and she sugessted an open marrage ( my feelings of love and romance never change for my wife but was very relived i didnt have to have sex with her anymore)but after a very brief hot period even then i was very uncomfortable things didnt change it was still like a task or chore i though i just hadnt found the right guy .Recently i was talking to a friend who believed i should get a divorce and really join the gay community and ill find attractions and a decent guy at that piont i released i have no idea what it means to me to be attracted to someone i have no clue, sex feels good but since i came out 6 years ago ive been with maybe 6 or 7 guys and one girl and really dont care if im with anyone agian , i also know i love my wife and am perfectly satisfied the way things are and i love not having to have sex , i also went from 1993to 1998 with no sex with anyone at all and was happy that way , i masturbate and am perfertly fine just doing that if i need to relive myself and really always have been , and if i never have any kind of sex agian it wont bother me in the least , i also think i was trying so hard to live up to what i thought were the expectations of others , family and society and i ignored how i was really feeling about all this , while all this was going on i was constantly angry , depressed and upset becuase i was tring to be someone i wasnt , i am making my peace with all this and am very happy to find i can not want to have sex with anyone it dont mean i dont love or like romace or care , i now identify a grey asexual , wonder if im right on thinking this way or if anyone has a similar kind of experience , thanks for " listening" Link to post Share on other sites
booksaremysexlife Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Moving to the Older Asexuals forum because I think you will get more answers there. Welcome to AVEN! scarletlatitude Grey Area mod Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 keidero welcome to AVEN and have our traditional 🎂 greeting. Have a look through the forums, hopefully you'll find others who've had similar experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Wings54 Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Hi Keidero. I can relate to your story. I am a 54 year old female. I was actually married for almost 30 years, and have 2 children. Shortly into the marriage my husband would berate me for being "frigid" because I just wasn't interested in sex. Later, he accused me of being a lesbian, although i assured him I wasn't attracted to women. Later in the marriage, when I found out my husband had been having affairs for years behind my back, I was devastated, because although I didn't have sexual attraction toward him, I still loved him very deeply, and loved cuddling and romance. I truly felt defective, and was convinced something was very wrong with me. I also felt a lot of shame, because I didn't know anyone else who shared similar experiences, or who could relate to my asexuality. Now that I have found this forum, and have begun reading about other people (many other people) who relate, I feel a sense of belonging and validation. The thing that worries me now, however, is finding a partner. I really long for a close and intimate relationship--without sex. I am finding that finding men at my age who are interested in committed, monogamous, intimate relationships still expect sexual intimacy, and the concept of asexuality is very alien to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 I'm a sexual partner in a 16 year marriage and I think might wife might be asexual, or at least grey or so low-libido'd it comes to the same thing (I've posted a brief history in many other posts, so you're welcome to delve into that!) I'm just curious - at the points where you weren't having sex, and you knew, or at least could easily figure out, that your partner wasn't happy about it, did this seem like it might be a problem? It seems like the for both of you, the consequences of no sex (6 month ultimatum or multiple affairs), came as a huge shock. I'm not on the attack, but my wife seemed shocked that it was a problem too, even though we'd had sex quite a lot earlier in the relationship. She doesn't really have an answer when I express my bafflement about why she didn't think it was a problem, so I'm curious for any other insights. Was it just so far off your radar it didn't occur to you that sex is one of the conventional expectations of marriage, so its absence might be an issue? Or was it just that you'd managed to avoid it, and didn't want to think about it or the implications of its absence on your partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Fire Monkey Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 *I'm not on the attack, but my wife seemed shocked that it was a problem too, even though we'd had sex quite a lot earlier in the relationship. She doesn't really have an answer when I express my bafflement about why she didn't think it was a problem, so I'm curious for any other insights. Was it just so far off your radar it didn't occur to you that sex is one of the conventional expectations of marriage, so its absence might be an issue? Or was it just that you'd managed to avoid it, and didn't want to think about it or the implications of its absence on your partner? *Emphasis mine. Are you sure you aren't on the attack? Demanding answers from someone who is brand new to the forum (a forum for asexuals, btw) when they are just finding information for themselves seems aggressive to me. You want to understand; fair enough. I'm not sure sandbagging a newcomer is going to get you the answers you're looking for or work out your issues with your wife. I'd also suggest that some of us are here to heal after having been bludgeoned for years with the very questions you're asking. I'd like a safe space to feel, just for a while, that I don't have to justify my existence. You're not making it easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Demanding answers AKA asking questions, just like the many 'so what's this sexual attraction all about?' threads. I'm not sure sandbagging a newcomer is going to get you the answers you're looking for or work out your issues with your wife. It wasn't sandbagging a newcomer. It was a polite request for insight from whomever wanted to answer. I'd also suggest that some of us are here to heal after having been bludgeoned for years with the very questions you're asking. I'd like a safe space to feel, just for a while, that I don't have to justify my existence. You're not making it easy. Anyone can post anywhere - there are plenty of asexuals posting in Friends and Allies. It's not easy for any of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Wings54 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Just as I have no understanding of how an addict or alcoholic can't just stop what they are doing (i.e, why does an alcoholic even pick up that first drink when he knows what it will lead to; or once drinking, why can't he just stop), I have no experience with sexual attraction or libido for a reference point. I can't relate to an allsexual's need or drive for sex. From my perspective, if he loves me, why isn't cuddling and hugging and kissing and companionship, and the occasional intercourse (which I am doing for him, and not for me) and a deep emotional connection enough? Why CAN'T he just stop having sex? Why is it so important? Link to post Share on other sites
Fire Monkey Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Well, yes of course, anyone can post anywhere, whether it's culturally appropriate or not. Let's directly address your behavior, then, Piss-taker (that's what you call yourself, right? ourokleptoist?). Two brand new members, with three and two posts to their names, introduce themselves and are moved down into the Older Asexuals forum, where they might find others of their generation to talk to. You could have started a new thread asking for "insight" from "whomever wants to answer." Oh wait, you have! But you felt the need to follow them into this forum and ask them if they have thought about their responsibility for keeping their partners happy. If you weren't talking to them, to whom were you talking? If I were generous, I'd say it was an ill-timed, poorly considered comment that in the name of sensitivity should have been posted elsewhere. I'd hate to think that someone with an ax to grind was deliberately trampling on neophytes looking for help and understanding. If you're really looking for answers, consider asking with some compassion and sensitivity. If you're trolling because your sex life sucks and you're mad at the world, please stop. We can't help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Blimey. Link to post Share on other sites
Qutenkuddly Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 This thread is getting way too heated. Dial back on the both aggressive criticism and questions that are far too personal in the context of this conversation. Qutenkuddly, Older Asexuals Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Dialling back any further is going to mean not actually asking them, which it seems is the nearest thing I'm going to get to an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Qutenkuddly Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Dialling back any further is going to mean not actually asking them, which it seems is the nearest thing I'm going to get to an answer. Then perhaps you may have to simply accept that this may not be the appropriate place or time to ask such questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 When and where would be? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Dialling back any further is going to mean not actually asking them, which it seems is the nearest thing I'm going to get to an answer. Then perhaps you may have to simply accept that this may not be the appropriate place or time to ask such questions. Um. Link to post Share on other sites
Qutenkuddly Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 When and where would be? Not in a thread where a newcomer just shared their heartbreak resulting from a long term relationship that failed due to sexual/asexual incompatibilities and certainly not in a fashion that can be perceived as insinuating they are at fault for not realizing the extent of how problematic a lack of sex in a relationship can be. There is an entire forum dedicated to advice and support for sexual partners, friends and allies. I recommend finding an appropriate discussion for your questions there and relay them in a more sensitive fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
Zima23 Posted May 17, 2016 Share Posted May 17, 2016 Was married for nearly 25 years to a beautiful, loving woman.Three great kids. She was my first and only sexual partner (virgin until I was 27). She always wanted more sex than me....but we reached a compromise that seemed to benefit both us of. Three years later she wanted to have an open marriage, which crushed me because I loved her so much. She asked permission to go outside the marriage...and I relented, hoping this would be a manageable solution. I was wrong. She went wild, I initiating several hurtful relationships with other men. I miss the physical (non sexual) contact and deep companionship, since she is now living with another man and we are divorcing. I love her deeply but am resigned to living without her. I totally understand your dilemma. It such a tough and sad position to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
SnowyOwl Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I have never been married, but I was recently in a 2 year relationship with a guy who was twice my age. I always go for the older ones! Prior to this relationship I was pretty set on 1) never having children and 2) not caring if I ever had sex ever again. I was totally fine with it. I never really enjoy sex very much when I had it and I never found myself craving it. It just seemed like so much damn work for a whole lot of nothing! Anyway, I fell into a relationship with this guy and I was in love. We had sex often, but only because it was something he wanted to do. I wanted to see him happy and I enjoyed the cuddling afterwards. I suppose I compromised. Eventually, I realized that, while I loved him, I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship. I needed someone who understood that sex was something I didn't care about one way or the other and that it wasn't a NEED for me. We broke up for other reasons, (mostly because I am gender fluid and he didn't like that I didn't "dress like a girl") but I am glad that we did. I identified as Asexual before we were together and I identify as Asexual after, too. It's a learning curve and it's taken me a good 7 years to realize that not wanting to have sex is totally fine and that there is nothing wrong with me. It has also taken me that long to realize that doing something you don't want to do to make someone else happy is OK for things like, which Red Box movie to rent, but not for something like sex. Now the only problem is: my family doesn't believe Asexuality is a real thing and neither do my friends. They all seem to think I just "Need to have really good sex." I'm sorry, but what even IS good sex? They also don't believe in gender fluidity. They just call me a "tom boy" (at 29 years old, really?!) and they think it's still a phase. I have asked to be called by a gender neutral name, as well, and most people refuse to do it. It's like paddling upstream. You hear people telling you "it's ok to come out!" and then when they do everyone goes "Nah. You're not." Anyone else having this issue as an "older" Asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
teatree Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Snowy, I recently revealed to a close friend that I was asexual and she actually scoffed at me!!! I got the ever-popular "Oh, you just haven't found the right person" (I'm 57...) and she also said that of course it was natural for my libido to wane as I got older. I wanted to a) scream and then b) punch her! I tried to tell her that I have NEVER been interested in sex but she refuses to believe asexuality is a real thing. We haven't discussed it again, and I don't intend to. We have been friends for over 40 years but honestly, I was so annoyed (and disappointed) with her--if she doesn't understand the orientation, that's fine, but at least ask thoughtful questions about it and try to hear a different point of view. (On the flip side, I have told two of my sisters and they were fine with it, so that was a relief. I know that everyone doesn't have to know, but I did want a handful of people with whom I am close to be aware of it, as it's ME.) Link to post Share on other sites
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