asexual partner doesn't understand

[doglady123]

I’m a young female and in a monogamous relationship with another young female. We’ve been dating for over a year and a half now and I love her with all my heart. We’re having issues surrounding her asexuality though and I’d really appreciate some advice or words of wisdom.

Some back story; everything was quote “normal” for us until around April. We were intimate romantically and physically, we would kiss and cuddle and have sex once or twice a week (all of which I loved as I’m a very affectionate person). We both enjoyed these interactions, as she had some concerns early on in our relationship about being physically intimate and I told her that I don’t want her to do anything she isn’t 100% comfortable with doing. I was also careful to ask her if she was okay with something before doing it, and she did the same for me. Through out the last year she’s been in a really stressful situation as it was her first year of university. She also has a chronic, often debilitating, illness that makes it difficult for her to work in mainstream schooling, but her parents are insisting she go to university (she can’t say no as she’s not financially independent yet). This illness is exacerbated by stress, and she would often have break downs about not being able to get work done, which made her illness worse (and turned into a vicious cycle). Her mental health deteriorated, and I tried to do everything I could to support her (going to visit her when she wanted, helping with homework, calming her down, spending the night). I myself also struggle with serious depression and anxiety, so caring for her sometimes means neglecting my own mental health. Because she kept getting sick we have had to spend the night in the hospital multiple times, which has caused her a great deal of distress and trauma.

Flash forward to this year, she is back in school (although she’s agreed to talk to the university counsellor and seek accommodations she did not have last year). We haven’t been intimate since April, but I never really questioned it as I didn’t want to add more pressure or stress than she’s already dealing with. She just told me she hasn’t been in the mood lately and we left it at that. There was a point where I asked her if she interested in sex at all and we fought because she asked me if I was disappointed that she wasn’t and I said yes, but I still love her and am willing to wait until/if she wants to. She didn’t react well and told me she wanted me to say I didn’t care. I ended up apologizing and we didn’t talk about it again.

(the main issue is underneath in case backstory is too long to read)

A few days ago I found out that she’s started identifying as ace through a blog post she made. I was hurt that she felt she couldn’t tell me and instead posted it online (she thought I wouldn’t see it, although its a public blog). When I brought it up she told me she thought it would be better to let me believe I could still have sex with her than to be disappointed in her. She said she didn’t want to bring it up because last time we did instead of saying I wasn’t disappointed I said it’s complicated. I think our main problem is that she doesn’t feel like we have to talk about it. She seems really frustrated with me that sex is something I want, and doesn’t understand why. I told her I was okay not having it, but because I can’t say it doesn’t matter at all to me and I don’t care about it she doesn’t believe me. I tried explaining to her that I still love her no matter what, but she’s really insecure and thinks she’s just being a burden to me. I told her I just want to talk about it because I should get a say too and she told me it wasn’t something for me to decide, which I agreed on but I want her to talk to me about it. I don’t know how to bring it up that I want us to be able to communicate about this without making her feel horrible. I wish I didn’t have to want sex, but I can’t lie and say that part of me doesn’t exist. I love her so much and feel really bad about making her feel insecure, but I also don’t want to pretend I’m fine with ignoring my own feelings. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I’m worried I’m being a bad partner to her and want to do whatever I can for both of us to feel better. Any advice or encouragement would be so appreciated, thank you.

[Telecaster68]

(I'm on my phone here so forgive the brevity, You can check my previous posts for the full back story but in brief I'm the husband of a wife who effectively became asexual some years into our marriage, so I know where you're coming from).

Would it help if you pointed out the burden bit wasn't so much the lack of sex, though obviously it's going to be an issue. The burden is around her not talking about it and effectively trying to lie about it so you can't make a properly informed choice one way or the other. She can put that right by talking about it now. Sounds harsh but I'm being concise here.... Assume I'm making the right noises about being supportive etc.

You're not being unreasonable in needing your feelings taken into account just as much as hers, but in the end all the talk and love in the world may not be enough to get you past such a fundamental incompatibility.

[Sally]

There was a point where I asked her if she interested in sex at all and we fought because she asked me if I was disappointed that she wasn’t and I said yes, but I still love her and am willing to wait until/if she wants to. She didn’t react well and told me she wanted me to say I didn’t care. I ended up apologizing and we didn’t talk about it again.

As an asexual, when I read the bolded words, I feel anxious. That tells me that I (she, in this case) am going to be expected to be interested in sex at some point in the future, if I don't want to disappoint my partner. I can understand her not wanting to talk about it further: she's stated that she isn't interested in sex, and you stated that you're disappointed about that.

I don't mean that you are at fault about anything. She was honest; you were honest. The problem is the difference between how each of you views sex. Whatever path the relationship takes, that probably isn't going to change. So each of you has to recognize the difference, and respect (you don't have to understand) how each other feels.