Older Wife has become Asexual

[outofegypt]

I am a man in his late 40s. My wife is in her mid 70s (her friends teased her - calling her a 'cougar'). We married in December 2009. For the most part I am extremely happy with her in my life. We are very close (both cuddlers). We enjoy many of the same things. We have both even referred to each other as 'best friend', but there simply isn't a sexual component to our relationship. There are moments when I miss it & my wife knows I occasionally masturbate, but we have gone 12 to 18 months at a time without even mild sexual flirtation. We live together, we do things together, but I wonder frequently, if this is normal. My family thinks I am a freak because of her age, but they have no idea that our marriage has no sexual component. I started the marriage having 'the talk'; inquiring why she is always uninterested, begging her to do something to activate this side of her, but now I have (and I alone) come to terms with the fact that she shows all the symptoms of being a late age asexual. I am trying to embrace this side of her. A few years ago I stopped asking for sex; stopped showing attraction & she actually responded by becoming more relaxed and happier around me. So, after watching the (A)sexual documentary I decided to come here and reach out to see who else may be in a situation similar to mine and see if I can find some like-minded friends to dialog about this. I gotta say... it really sucks having no one to talk to about this; feeling like it's a secret I have to protect to avoid scorn.

[Sally]

A few years ago I stopped asking for sex; stopped showing attraction & she actually responded by becoming more relaxed and happier around me.

that seems key to me: when she no longer felt pressure to have sex, she was able to relax and be happy in the relationship. If she had any desire for sex as something she actually enjoyed, that wouldn't have been the case.

You may have to decide whether you can accept not having sex in your marriage.

[Telecaster68]

My situation's similar-ish, although my wife's only a few years older than me. I'm 47, she's 53, but the pattern's the same- waning sexuality now down to nothing. There's some health issues, which she's having treated, but I think they're only exacerbating her basic lack of interest in sex. Her attitude is 'sex is just something I used to do'. Like you I'd backed off for months at a time, over a period of years, becaise of her health iseues, assuming whe they were dealt with, she'd get some kind of interest in sex back. Didn't happen, and post menopause I realised it wasn't going to fix itself.

We had The Talk (actually a series of talks, none of them happy, with me getting increasingly fraught at the ongoing rejection) and it transpired that she'd assumed my lack of initiation had meant I was no longer interested either, so all had been well. She says all the stuff asexual people say even though she doesn't identify as such, and in theory is 'working on it' to try to be okay with sex purely for my benefit. This hasn't actually resulted in any noticeable change thought, and probably never will I guess. She can't really explain what working on it actually means.

So as Sally said, its down to you to accept or not the situation. I don't know if I have or not.

[outofegypt]

I finally had a heart to heart talk with her tonight. I explained what I learned about asexuality and why I felt it applied to her. My decision to respect this part of her identity put her at ease. We are both very happy as friends, but she simply does not have a sexual aspect to her life any longer. The only thing difficult for me in all this is the new knowledge that by staying with her I am essentially choosing a life of celibacy. That is (without a doubt) a massive adjustment for my though processes. I could make loads of excuses to walk away, but they all wage war in my mind against 1 simple truth: I love her more than I have ever loved another human being and I have no doubt that she cherishes me.