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New relationship with an asexual...


josephine

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Hi! I'm new on this board, have been reading your posts for a few months, though... (ever since I discovered the woman I had fallen in love with would only have a relationship with me if there was no sex)

We are both lesbians and have been together for a few months now, I consider myself sexual as I have had sex in all my previous relationship, even though I haven't always enjoyed it that much and it has certainly never been very important to me in the sense that I would never have just casual sex with someone etc., I just don't see the point. I guess I would say I only enjoy sex with someone I love. And my girlfriend doesn't really like labels as such but I guess we could call her asexual because she doesn't want to have sex.

We have everything else, definitely lots of intimacy and it's great. It's perfect in fact. I was in love with her for months and went through so much to get to the point that I can finally call her my girlfriend. I really believe I have found my soulmate and while I never considered a sex-less relationship with anyone before, I always knew that I wouldn't let sex be the deciding factor with her. It doesn't feel like a sacrife even, I'm so happy with her.

However... (yes, there is always the 'but'...) I don't know, I'm only in my mid 20's and while I really think that she is someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with, the prospect of never having sex again, or at least not having sex for years does feel a bit, I don't know, sad in some way, or just weird... It's not the thought of not having sex in general, it's more of the way I feel I love her so completely and I just know that sex with her would probably be more special than it has been with anyone before. I was worried about feeling rejected at first, but I don't really feel that... But I guess at the back of my mind I keep thinking that surely I'm irresistible and eventually she will feel so attracted to me that she will want to have sex with me. I know I shouldn't think about it like this at all (i.e. expect that eventually we will have sex) because if I do think like this, I will always have a different motive for the intimacy, kissing etc. Sometimes I think 'god, you can't kiss me like that if you're not going to have sex with me...' because everything with her feels so passionate and so much better than anything before. And, I know she has had sex before and that she loves the other intimacy.

I guess I'm just confused. I am 100% certain that I will never broke up with her because of the asexuality. Never. Accepting the asexuality is the promise I made to her when I first started going out with her, and at that point I had already considered it and made a decision to pursue this regardless. I love her so much and I'm very happy in this relationship. I guess it just feels ironic - I feel like I have finally found my soulmate and yet in my mind our relationship won't be complete, ever... I hate myself for saying this but I guess deep down this is the way I feel.

We haven't properly discussed her reasons for not wanting to have sex and I'm afraid of asking - I don't want her to feel that I'm pressuring her into anything. But I know that if I knew her reasons I would understand it better and it would be so much easier for me to live with as well. Any suggestions as for how to bring it up?

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First of all, :cake: and congratulations for being so loving and committed in a sexual/asexual relationship. That is awesome.

Does your girlfriend know about AVEN? Because if not, you could use that as a way to start the conversation - "I've been reading this really interesting website lately about people who identify as asexual, because they're not sexually attracted to anybody. Is that similar to how you feel?"

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I guess I'm just confused. I am 100% certain that I will never broke up with her because of the asexuality. Never. Accepting the asexuality is the promise I made to her when I first started going out with her, and at that point I had already considered it and made a decision to pursue this regardless. I love her so much and I'm very happy in this relationship.

First off, wow, that's something u dont hear often form a sexual person. I wish there are more people like you. Your girlfriend is very lucky to have you.

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I guess it just feels ironic - I feel like I have finally found my soulmate and yet in my mind our relationship won't be complete, ever... I hate myself for saying this but I guess deep down this is the way I feel.

Dont hate yourself. Its normal u feel that way.. It is ironic, It would be great if you were both sexual, or asexual, but unfortunately life isnt that simple, as u know.... Its no small matter for a sexual to do what you did..respecting her asexuality cuz u REALLY love her.. If thats not true love I dont know what is... I admire you..

The situation is tricky cuz the same could be expected form her..

I wish you luck in your relationship :)

p.s. I had to brake down my post into 2 cuz my internet is acting up

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Welcome josephine.

... We haven't properly discussed her reasons for not wanting to have sex and I'm afraid of asking ...
In a lasting deep relationship, mutual understanding is a cornerstone. Since this seems to be an issue of importance to you, it makes sense to open the discussion between you two.
... Any suggestions as for how to bring it up?
Some time when you feel relaxed and comfortable with each other ask: "Have you ever wondered why you don't want to have sex?"

I personally would not be offended by that. Keep the discussion between you two and keep it totally clear that the purpose of bringing it up is to understand each other and not to be taken as pressing for sex. Then it can't go all wrong.

How will you react if she reacts negatively ?

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Welcome Josephine. I hope you find the help you're looking for here.

I'm gonna move this thread to the Sexual Partners forum.

--El Peix

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Welcome Josephine!!!

It's great you have found great love and to hear that you are so caring and loving. I will offer you :cake: for that!!!

Talking is really important in any relation, but especially in a relation between an asexual and a sexual. Maybe you shouldn't ask her explanation, but start with how you feel (and why) about sex, not how you feel about her not wanting sex. I think she will also talk about her feelings than. Maybe the first conversation about this subject, isn't the right time to speak about why she won't have sex, but if you both feel more comfortable about talking about it, you could bring it up.

I hope you find the right way for you!!!

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... Maybe you shouldn't ask her explanation, but ...
I agree. Whatever way is choosen to opening this subject with her, take care not to make it an "You're sick - I'm normal" appearance. On the other hand - if you need the answer, you have to ask the question. One way or another.
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  • 1 month later...

Thanks to everyone for your comments, they've been very helpful!

We haven't properly talked about these things yet but I feel really good about our relationship at the moment. We did actually end up having sex once, and did as much as she felt comfortable with. It was initiated by her and I was quite surprised but very happy. I asked her several times if she was sure she wanted it and kept checking with her that she was okay with what we were doing. It felt really special that she wanted to do it with me after years of knowing she absolutely didn't want sex with anyone.

We have lots of intimacy otherwise and I feel our connection is really strong in every way. We've been together for about 3 months now and I have a really good feeling about this. I know I love her like I have never loved anyone else before.

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