Dawnsboyrich Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 So I'm sort of new around here. I'd really like to learn more about how mixed couples are doing, emotionally. My wife discovered she was asexual about a year and a half ago. I have no problem with not having sex, and she likes to hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc. I feel like we're doing really well. She has said several times that she feels like she's cheating me out of something. How can I show her that's not the case? She's the light of my life and I want her to feel like I get everything I need from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Aww <3. That's adorable. Just keep doing what you do. She may be insecure about it, but just keep letting her know that you don't mind. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Knpa Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 You're a stand up guy! Have you considered showing her this very post? The next time she expresses concern, you could try telling her what you've told us. You sound like a sincere person and I think these words would help reassure her. Cuddling her too would also probably be a great addition to your talk. Hopefully you can both find some peace of mind with this, and welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I want her to feel like I get everything I need from her. Questions : when you say You want her to feel like you get everything you need from her, do you mean that you want to reassure her that you ACTUALLY are getting everything you need from her ? Sorry to be pedantic, but I think there is a small difference, and in my limited experience, women are perceptive and intuitive and will know the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 I want her to feel like I get everything I need from her. Questions : when you say You want her to feel like you get everything you need from her, do you mean that you want to reassure her that you ACTUALLY are getting everything you need from her ? Sorry to be pedantic, but I think there is a small difference, and in my limited experience, women are perceptive and intuitive and will know the difference. Well, yes. I want to reassure her that I get everything I need. I had to look up what pedantic means. You don't have to appologize, I feel that was an important clarification. As an aside, I would like to say that I believe anyone can be perceptive and intuitive and it really has nothing to do with assigned gender. I suppose I was more looking for things that I might do to show her how much I appreciate her, but I got the answer I was expecting. Communication is the cornerstone of every good relationship. I have been somewhat untrustworthy in the past so I suppose that my problem is that it's hard for her to simply trust what I say. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2050 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 You say you're not trustworthy. I think that's the key to everything. You address your message to mixed couples while stating that your wife is asexual. Everybody is led into believing that you must be the sexual partner of a mixed couple. But then you add "I have no problem with not having sex". Which suits the wonderful definition of an asexual person: "a person who does not experience sexual attraction". The most fantastic tool provided to us by AVEN is that there is nothing wrong with being asexual as long as it is clearly stated to the other party. If this is of any help to you, COME CLEAR! Either you are also asexual, and then you have found the most perfect match, and cling to her because love is one of the most marvelous things on earth, or you are indeed untrustworthy and you don't mean it when you say "I have no problem with not having sex". In that case the relationship won't last, rest assured. And remember, she's the one who came clear... which is a blessing, because I have been married for 37 years to a wonderful woman who counted to 27 years before telling me she is asexual and only then allowing me to have a sex life of sorts on the side. Not to be recommended! Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 I certainly experience sexual attraction. I'm okay with refraining from sex. I think there's a clear difference. Link to post Share on other sites
AgentKEW Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 She's not aromantic is she? Because if not, just focus on the romance part of the relationship and ignore sex. Make her feel as loved as you possibly can. And continue to reassure her that that's what your relationship is about: Love. Remind her that sex isn't necessary to love someone, and that you love her regardless. And when she inevitably frets over not giving you what she's sure you desperately need, be patient. Do your best not to get too upset over that particular worry, because chances are it'll never completely go away. But it should fade with time and reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 COME CLEAR! Either you are also asexual, and then you have found the most perfect match, and cling to her because love is one of the most marvelous things on earth, or you are indeed untrustworthy and you don't mean it when you say "I have no problem with not having sex". The definition of asexuality is NOT "I have no problem with not having sex." Please check out AVEN's Front Page. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 She's not aromantic. I think everyone is right, it'll just be a time and communication thing. She's a really great person. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2050 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Dawnsboyrich: if you have male friends who are sexual, just standard men (remember that statistics seem to indicate asexuals represent 1% of the population), ask them if they would ever use the sentence "I have no problem with not having sex" when thinking about a woman they are in love with. And then don't ask me, a frustrated sexual who regrets not having had a fulfilling sex life, or Sally who is a frustrated asexual who regrets she ever had sex. The term "aromantic" is absolutely wonderful for asexual people who are attracted to someone else but do not want the sex part, it means nothing for sexual people. Just as the term "significant other" is not used by heterosexuals. These are only codes, nothing more, but it is good to know where one stands. When one reads " Do your best not to get too upset over that particular worry" it seems tantamount to "don't be upset if you don't have the exact change for the vending machine, it also takes bills". Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 The term "aromantic" is absolutely wonderful for asexual people who are attracted to someone else but do not want the sex part, it means nothing for sexual people. That's such bullshit. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 Dawnsboyrich: if you have male friends who are sexual, just standard men (remember that statistics seem to indicate asexuals represent 1% of the population), ask them if they would ever use the sentence "I have no problem with not having sex" when thinking about a woman they are in love with. And then don't ask me, a frustrated sexual who regrets not having had a fulfilling sex life, or Sally who is a frustrated asexual who regrets she ever had sex. The term "aromantic" is absolutely wonderful for asexual people who are attracted to someone else but do not want the sex part, it means nothing for sexual people. Just as the term "significant other" is not used by heterosexuals. These are only codes, nothing more, but it is good to know where one stands. When one reads " Do your best not to get too upset over that particular worry" it seems tantamount to "don't be upset if you don't have the exact change for the vending machine, it also takes bills". I would like to disagree with all of this. To begin, I don't give a flying goddam what other men think. They are not in my situation. I strongly believe that some people experience sexual attraction while being aromantic. I use Significant Other from time to time, and am a romantic heterosexual. It's my opinion that the words husband and wife carry a lot of bad juju from times gone by, and one way to start changing the way people think about who does what in a relationship is to change how you speak about the people in that relationship. Of course I'm not sure about that, but it is my opinion. Your analogy makes 0 sense. Steve, I feel for you that you are having a rough time. I am at the beginning of a changing relationship, and it's after 12 years of marriage and 13 1/2 years together. I guess the difference, the way I see it, is I am accepting of what my SO is, and we are exploring this new part of our lives together. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I can see Steve's point. It's very difficult to reconcile 'I'm not asexual' with 'I have no problem not having sex for the rest of my life while spending the rest of my life sharing a bed with someone I'm sexually attracted to' doesn't seem obviously free of problems to me. On the other hand, if you too were asexual, or as close as makes no difference, it wouldn't be a problem. But, each to their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 I don't know about free of problems. Which is the exact reason I want our emotional relationship to be above par. I don't remember disagreeing with that. And I hope that Steve takes my disagreements as my opinion, and not a slander on the way he thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 It would be a rare relationship of any sort that was free of problems... But specifically, your OP said: I have no problem with not having sex My wife doesn't identify as asexual, but most of the attitudes that asexuals talk about could have come from her mouth, and I've found it a lot easier to handle not being desired, etc, if I think about the situation in terms of her being asexual. Unlike you, I do have a problem with not having sex, and we're working on that together, and it's very, very slowly getting better - she wants to resolve it as much as I do. My thought was more that it's a rare allosexual who doesn't have a problem with not having sex especially in a marriage, but I'm glad that it works for you, anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2050 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 To Dawnsboyrich: we're getting there. There are two sentences I wish to react to: 1. "To begin, I don't give a flying goddam what other men think.". What is the point of getting into this forum, then? The idea is for other people, with either similar or very different points of view and experiences to tell you what they think, without they being in your situation. 2. "I strongly believe that some people experience sexual attraction while being aromantic.". Absolutely. The other way around is not true and that's what I talked about: you can have zero romantic feeling for someone and still have a strong sexual attraction. It is usually known as "one night stand" if it goes through. You cannot as a sexual being have a strong romantic attraction to someone and no desire whatsoever to have sex. You may not have sex for many reasons: the other person doesn't want to, there are social or psychological reasons that conspire against, etc. But the sheer sexual drive is always there. That is the main reason why it is so difficult for us sexuals to get our point across to asexual people: for them it is as not really wanting that piece of chocolate after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 To Dawnsboyrich: we're getting there. There are two sentences I wish to react to: 1. "To begin, I don't give a flying goddam what other men think.". What is the point of getting into this forum, then? The idea is for other people, with either similar or very different points of view and experiences to tell you what they think, without they being in your situation. 2. "I strongly believe that some people experience sexual attraction while being aromantic.". Absolutely. The other way around is not true and that's what I talked about: you can have zero romantic feeling for someone and still have a strong sexual attraction. It is usually known as "one night stand" if it goes through. You cannot as a sexual being have a strong romantic attraction to someone and no desire whatsoever to have sex. You may not have sex for many reasons: the other person doesn't want to, there are social or psychological reasons that conspire against, etc. But the sheer sexual drive is always there. That is the main reason why it is so difficult for us sexuals to get our point across to asexual people: for them it is as not really wanting that piece of chocolate after all. And who, exactly, are you to define somebody else's feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Dawnsboyrich: if you have male friends who are sexual, just standard men (remember that statistics seem to indicate asexuals represent 1% of the population), ask them if they would ever use the sentence "I have no problem with not having sex" when thinking about a woman they are in love with. And then don't ask me, a frustrated sexual who regrets not having had a fulfilling sex life, or Sally who is a frustrated asexual who regrets she ever had sex. The term "aromantic" is absolutely wonderful for asexual people who are attracted to someone else but do not want the sex part, it means nothing for sexual people. Just as the term "significant other" is not used by heterosexuals. These are only codes, nothing more, but it is good to know where one stands. When one reads " Do your best not to get too upset over that particular worry" it seems tantamount to "don't be upset if you don't have the exact change for the vending machine, it also takes bills". Firstly aromantic is a term used for people who do not experience ROMANTIC attraction. Ex: Aromantic heterosexual. And significant other is often used by heterosexuals and people of all orientations. It's not really codes, some of those terms mean a lot to the couples. And it's true, some heterosexual men and women are fine with little to no sex, maybe they have a low libido or find romantic gestures more meaningful? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 To Dawnsboyrich: we're getting there. There are two sentences I wish to react to: 1. "To begin, I don't give a flying goddam what other men think.". What is the point of getting into this forum, then? The idea is for other people, with either similar or very different points of view and experiences to tell you what they think, without they being in your situation. 2. "I strongly believe that some people experience sexual attraction while being aromantic.". Absolutely. The other way around is not true and that's what I talked about: you can have zero romantic feeling for someone and still have a strong sexual attraction. It is usually known as "one night stand" if it goes through. You cannot as a sexual being have a strong romantic attraction to someone and no desire whatsoever to have sex. You may not have sex for many reasons: the other person doesn't want to, there are social or psychological reasons that conspire against, etc. But the sheer sexual drive is always there. That is the main reason why it is so difficult for us sexuals to get our point across to asexual people: for them it is as not really wanting that piece of chocolate after all. So what is exactly your point? There are plenty asexuals on here who enjoy sex with theyre partner so where you get that from is beyond me. Someone please correct me if i dont bring this the right way but the whole point of being asexual is that you dont experience sexual attraction, not that you dont like to have sex so thats utter nonsense,its not ok to put all asexuals on the same line. You dont let your sex drive rule over your love for your partner, thats not ok because you marry eachother out of pure love and because you want to be with eachother for the rest of your lives and not because you desire a sex life, I cant imagine that for the life of me.Your whole comment just doesnt make any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Tetus Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Let's be totally clear here: asexuality is not equivalent to celibacy. There are celibate sexuals and non celibate asexuals. It is possible to be happy about celibacy as a sexual, just as it is possible to be happy about having sex as an asexual. This doesn't invalidate either sexuals who would not be happy being celibate or asexuals who would be unhappy having sex. People are weird and complicated, and all of this crap is on a spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 And then don't ask me, a frustrated sexual who regrets not having had a fulfilling sex life, or Sally who is a frustrated asexual who regrets she ever had sex. DON'T make assumptions about who or what ANYONE is. <_< <_< <_< Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Let's be totally clear here: asexuality is not equivalent to celibacy. There are celibate sexuals and non celibate asexuals. It is possible to be happy about celibacy as a sexual, just as it is possible to be happy about having sex as an asexual. This doesn't invalidate either sexuals who would not be happy being celibate or asexuals who would be unhappy having sex. People are weird and complicated, and all of this crap is on a spectrum. I include myself among those, the weird, the complicated, and the proud. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I read something on another thread (posted by skullery maid?) that adds another important factor. Empathy. The ability to put oneself in another's shoes and see things from their point of view. That's got to be a highly developed skill in a mixed relationship. In my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ledona Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Dawnsboyrich came here as a sexual person who has a mutual agreement with his asexual wife that they will not have sex. I'm kinda wondering why we, as the AVEN community, are questioning him and wondering if he's being 100% honest, when he has said he's fine with being celibate. He says he's happily married and just wants to make sure his wife knows that he's deeply satisfied with her, sex or no sex. And honestly, I think that's super refreshing! I can't count the number of arguments my ex and I had concerning sex after I came out as grey-ace. I didn't want to have sex often, I had deep issues relating to sexual abuse. Once I came out with all this, I expected him to be accommodating and for us to be able to come up with a plan that worked for both of us. Instead, he still wanted to have sex every day, in fact almost RIGHT AFTER I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE ABUSE. Dafuq. Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread with my own story, but needless to say it's refreshing to hear about a sexual willing to lead an asexual lifestyle for their ace partner. Most of the mixed couples on here do have sex, which is fine, but I also hate to think that an asexual person is ever having sex just to please a partner, if he/she is actually averse to/has hang-ups about/is triggered by sex. I'm guessing your wife might be one of these people, and I think it's amazing that your relationship is still emotionally and romantically strong. :) And again, in no way am I shaming sexuals in mixed-couple relationships who do want to have sex, or negotiate extramarital sex with the consent of their partner! I think that's great too. Compromise in a mixed relationship -- or one person deciding to partake in/abstain from sex -- is BEAUTIFUL. If all parties are happy and consenting, this is an absolutely beautiful and ideal situation! Steve2050, I'm sorry for what happened to you, as I'd feel bad for anyone whose partner withheld important information. Whether your wife was too afraid to tell the truth, afraid of her own feelings, or what the problem was, I'm still sorry. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with Dawnsboyrich's relationship, as long as he feels that his partner is committed and forthcoming. So as for what you came here to ask, Dawnsboyrich, the only advice I could give you is to keep doing what you're doing! Your wife's insecurity is natural because we live in a society of Great Sexpectations (sorry...) and she probably feels she is not doing her "duty." But by being affectionate and continuing to engage her on other levels -- conversation, going out and having fun, etc. -- you are showing her that the spark is still there. And that's all anyone can really ask of a partner, yes? That they are loved and respected, no matter what? :) Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Ledona, I don't think that the asexual community is criticizing the OP (and we don't claim we're the asexual community). It sounds like those who have posted are pretty impressed with his attitude and his desire to assure his wife that he loves her and appreciates her. It's wonderful to hear that. I think where we got off the track is with another poster who unfortunately chimed in with unhelpful comments. But that happens on all types of forums.Kudos to you, Dawnsboyrich! :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
Dawnsboyrich Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 There's an important clarification I feel I should make. We are not celebate. The difference from before is that now it's her choice when we make love. The way I worded that makes it sound bad. What I mean is before, she would have sex because she thought it was just the thing to do. Now that she has discovered her aceness, I have told her that I respect her and that I will not pursue sex like iI used to. I was always looking for the magic switch before, and now that I know that she's not even wired, I'll stop trying to start the engine. Instead, I'll look for the emotional and romantic part of our relationship. It doesn't mean we never have sex, it just means it's on her terms. So to speak. Thinking about it, what I really mean is that I love everything about her. Asexuality is part of who she is, and deserves the same amount of love and respect as every other part of her. Does that make more sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 It doesn't mean we never have sex, it just means it's on her terms. So to speak. You're rather lucky if that doesn't effectively mean you're celibate now. :P Link to post Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 There's an important clarification I feel I should make. We are not celebate. The difference from before is that now it's her choice when we make love. The way I worded that makes it sound bad. What I mean is before, she would have sex because she thought it was just the thing to do. Now that she has discovered her aceness, I have told her that I respect her and that I will not pursue sex like iI used to. I was always looking for the magic switch before, and now that I know that she's not even wired, I'll stop trying to start the engine. Instead, I'll look for the emotional and romantic part of our relationship. It doesn't mean we never have sex, it just means it's on her terms. So to speak. Thinking about it, what I really mean is that I love everything about her. Asexuality is part of who she is, and deserves the same amount of love and respect as every other part of her. Does that make more sense? Can I just say I like that you used "make love," instead of "have sex." Not that having sex is a wrong phrase to use, I just think it's very sweet what you said. I can't imagine how hard it must be but it looks like you honestly care about her feelings as well and respect her boundries and desires as well. As someone else said, that is beautiful and refreshing. As long as you two have come to terms and have found a balance and a bridge to both meet at, keep doing what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Dawns I'm confused now. First of all you said "I have no problem with not having sex" then "We are not celebate." What actually is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
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