Question for sexual people with partners

[MaryUn]

Its going way far the point of my post, I never wanted to argue on sexless relationships and the like. I suggested something to ropesend and I still do, in fact I said if she couldn't keep with her relationship, it's okay, I won't be trying to convince her to. Just asked her not to cheat. We asexuals have our problems with depression and feeling of isolation just as well. We should be trying to understand and help each other, and only that.

Oh trust me I know the hard feelings go both ways. We all love our partners very much so it's hard to be completely honest about how we feel... I think it's hard to be honest with ourselves about how we feel, even. I have no problem with people choosing to stay in sexless relationships... my problem is when asexuals are all like "if you loved them you wouldn't need sex" because tbh, it's kind of the opposite of that. I respond with equal irritation to the sexuals who are all "if you loved me you'd just have sex to please me". Love, although wonderful, doesn't change orientations, unfortunately. Tis what tis.

As far as people happily having no sex... I'm sure there are some because there are some of everyone. It's a fool's errand for an asexual to close their eyes and hope they end up with someone who won't mind, though. And off-AVEN, if you look around the interwebs, you'll find a lot of groups for people who aren't getting laid. Just because asexuality isn't involved doesn't make those relationships irrelevant.

Yes, I agree :) Everything you said is true. But you can't judge a person to want to have a certain kind of relationship, even though is a hard one to get. It's just their feelings. And I never meant to say "if you loved them you wouldn't need sex". It varies on the people involved. Maybe they need sex, but the asexuals need not to have it. Sometimes its just not funcional. Sometimes it can be. It's not even myself I'm talking about. I don't experience sexual attraction, but when the depression gives a room I do have some sex drive and want to be with my boyfriend- its just not as frequent. But we both agree that sex is not the main thing that keep us together and the occasional lack of it may be hard for him at times, who is the sexual one after all, but it doesn't mean that our relationship has problems or is less healthy. It won't fall apart because of that, and thats what I want to believe and I sincerely think he believes in it as well. Many don't believe in this though. As I said, the point here was never that... I just wish the best for everyone here that have it hard because of their differences, really. :)

[D-Ace]

Well I'm glad you are figuring it out. Good luck on your convo w. Ur bf!

[ropesend]

I appreciate the support I got here today, and the opinions. I am looking for anything at all to hang on to. At least some people understand my feelings right now.

[ropesend]

@maryun - yes, we've talked about it extensively. He yells a lot at me because he is defensive. I try to tell him how I feel. And sometimes after a big fight we will try to have sex and it will be completely unsatisfying for both of us. So, I have decided no more fighting I just won't bring it up anymore. And we just won't have sex. And I will see if I can make it. But it feels like I am giving up something that is important to me. And therefore I want to take something away from him. Taking sex away from him won't hurt him it would be a relief. But maybe taking away romance will. No more hugs, kisses or cuddling. We can just be friends and roomates, with a marriage license.

Gosh that sounds so petty, I know. But I'm just hurt and angry. I want him to feel hurt the way I do so maybe he understands. Phyrric victory I know.

I know I sound like the biggest jerk on this forum right now. But that's where I am.

[Telecaster68]

You sound understandably angry. I think it's basically a grieving process for us sexuals when we find out our other halves have no desire for us. There's anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and as with a death, in no particular order, and they recur. We're mourning the loss of a hugely important part of our lives.

[Guest]

@maryun - yes, we've talked about it extensively. He yells a lot at me because he is defensive. I try to tell him how I feel. And sometimes after a big fight we will try to have sex and it will be completely unsatisfying for both of us. So, I have decided no more fighting I just won't bring it up anymore. And we just won't have sex. And I will see if I can make it. But it feels like I am giving up something that is important to me. And therefore I want to take something away from him. Taking sex away from him won't hurt him it would be a relief. But maybe taking away romance will. No more hugs, kisses or cuddling. We can just be friends and roomates, with a marriage license.

Gosh that sounds so petty, I know. But I'm just hurt and angry. I want him to feel hurt the way I do so maybe he understands. Phyrric victory I know.

I know I sound like the biggest jerk on this forum right now. But that's where I am.

To be perfectly honest, in my situation anyway, the romantic connection faded once the physical intimacy faded, regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Though my partner withdrew from everything... kissing, cuddling, everything. So I'm left with, right now, this concept that we feel romantically toward each other but no indication of that, really. Which just doesn't, you know, work for me. When I started on AVEN I always said that i was lucky to have a partner who was still really into the kissing and cuddling and all that, because I do think it makes a difference. With none of that left, I really don't know that I have much choice left anymore but to make some significant changes. I'm basically trying to talk myself through this on the boards because it's just so... hard. It's all so hard.

[Guest]

And I never meant to say "if you loved them you wouldn't need sex". It varies on the people involved. Maybe they need sex, but the asexuals need not to have it. Sometimes its just not funcional. Sometimes it can be. It's not even myself I'm talking about. I don't experience sexual attraction, but when the depression gives a room I do have some sex drive and want to be with my boyfriend- its just not as frequent. But we both agree that sex is not the main thing that keep us together and the occasional lack of it may be hard for him at times, who is the sexual one after all, but it doesn't mean that our relationship has problems or is less healthy. It won't fall apart because of that, and thats what I want to believe and I sincerely think he believes in it as well. Many don't believe in this though. As I said, the point here was never that... I just wish the best for everyone here that have it hard because of their differences, really. :)

No no, I didn't think you were saying that if he loved you he wouldn't need sex. And I completely agree that differences need to be acknowledged and accepted. I think mixed relationships can totally work... had mine not changed in character significantly over the last 2 years, I'd still be in that camp. Everyone's got a line, though, and once it's crossed its hard to go back.

[Tarfeather]

Sorry for the off topic, but..

To be perfectly honest, in my situation anyway, the romantic connection faded once the physical intimacy faded, regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Though my partner withdrew from everything... kissing, cuddling, everything. So I'm left with, right now, this concept that we feel romantically toward each other but no indication of that, really. Which just doesn't, you know, work for me. When I started on AVEN I always said that i was lucky to have a partner who was still really into the kissing and cuddling and all that, because I do think it makes a difference. With none of that left, I really don't know that I have much choice left anymore but to make some significant changes. I'm basically trying to talk myself through this on the boards because it's just so... hard. It's all so hard.

It really is. Skulls, I have a lot of respect for you. We've been through very similar situations, so I can imagine how hard it is for you.

For me, I know that the reason I'm going through all this is that there's not a woman in this world who has loved me. For a long time now, I've just always wished for a female friend who would at least care a great deal about me, and if I haven't got a lover, at least I've got that friend now.

But as for you? You haven't nearly the kind of trouble in finding a dating partner or someone to have sex with as I do. But you still stayed. It takes an emotional giant to do that.

So keep your head high. You put your mind to making that relationship work and it seems that you ended up doing better than most would. But some things you can not change, and as much as I respect you for trying, I'd be very happy for you if you found those things you're missing in your current relationship again.

[Guest]

Thank you. You're very very sweet... more so than I deserve. :)

[MaryUn]

@maryun - yes, we've talked about it extensively. He yells a lot at me because he is defensive. I try to tell him how I feel. And sometimes after a big fight we will try to have sex and it will be completely unsatisfying for both of us. So, I have decided no more fighting I just won't bring it up anymore. And we just won't have sex. And I will see if I can make it. But it feels like I am giving up something that is important to me. And therefore I want to take something away from him. Taking sex away from him won't hurt him it would be a relief. But maybe taking away romance will. No more hugs, kisses or cuddling. We can just be friends and roomates, with a marriage license.

Gosh that sounds so petty, I know. But I'm just hurt and angry. I want him to feel hurt the way I do so maybe he understands. Phyrric victory I know.

I know I sound like the biggest jerk on this forum right now. But that's where I am.

To be perfectly honest, in my situation anyway, the romantic connection faded once the physical intimacy faded, regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Though my partner withdrew from everything... kissing, cuddling, everything. So I'm left with, right now, this concept that we feel romantically toward each other but no indication of that, really. Which just doesn't, you know, work for me. When I started on AVEN I always said that i was lucky to have a partner who was still really into the kissing and cuddling and all that, because I do think it makes a difference. With none of that left, I really don't know that I have much choice left anymore but to make some significant changes. I'm basically trying to talk myself through this on the boards because it's just so... hard. It's all so hard.

Ropesend,

I can't relate specifically to your situation but in the end you have every right to feel how you feel. Don't belittle yourself or judge yourself so much. It's all very understandable. We've all had feelings we were not proud of, believe me. I hope it all turns out for the best for you and for your husband in the end... I sure do.

Skullery,

I guess I can understand how you feel. There are lots of ways to show intimacy and caring and yes, desire for another, not just one, but when you take it all away or take so much of it and you can't balance it with other things it's hard to feel wanted or loved inside the relationship, and in the end thats really important. And not feeling that is hard, I had momments where it drove me near crazy in te past.

This connects with what @Telecaster68 said. Just, for me, I would want to make it clear that us asexuals (I think I speak for many) do desire our partners, and it can be deeply, a really strong and intense feeling of intimacy and wanting. It's just not the way you feel it. Though I not into sex all the time, I do feel that all the time, and sometimes even morr. We feel differently, and thats what you gotta understand. It's not less valid. You are wanted and desired by an asexual partner.

[sassyintheshire]

Its going way far the point of my post, I never wanted to argue on sexless relationships and the like. I suggested something to ropesend and I still do, in fact I said if she couldn't keep with her relationship, it's okay, I won't be trying to convince her to. Just asked her not to cheat. We asexuals have our problems with depression and feeling of isolation just as well. We should be trying to understand and help each other, and only that.

Oh trust me I know the hard feelings go both ways. We all love our partners very much so it's hard to be completely honest about how we feel... I think it's hard to be honest with ourselves about how we feel, even. I have no problem with people choosing to stay in sexless relationships... my problem is when asexuals are all like "if you loved them you wouldn't need sex" because tbh, it's kind of the opposite of that. I respond with equal irritation to the sexuals who are all "if you loved me you'd just have sex to please me". Love, although wonderful, doesn't change orientations, unfortunately. Tis what tis.

As far as people happily having no sex... I'm sure there are some because there are some of everyone. It's a fool's errand for an asexual to close their eyes and hope they end up with someone who won't mind, though. And off-AVEN, if you look around the interwebs, you'll find a lot of groups for people who aren't getting laid. Just because asexuality isn't involved doesn't make those relationships irrelevant.

I think this was a very important point made. I realized I was asexual only four months ago and with that came the disturbing realization that I'd been harboring bitterness and resentment at my husband for being sexual. For years I had wanted him to not desire sex or talk about anything sexual involving me, which was not in any way fair. Being a sexual person, he can't control that he desires sex, BUT he has always made the distinction that he only wants sexual relations with me. I too would be uncomfortable with my husband being with someone else, though that's my personal feeling and in no way do I discredit those who are open to that.

This is where I think communication is your only option at this point, as others have said. You need your partner to understand where you come from, and vice versa. You have the right to say whoever is your partner should not be with someone else, and if they disagree, then that is a deal-breaker. However, any asexual expecting their sexual partner to not have sexual desires or experience some form of attraction (like harmless aesthetic attraction) to other people they may encounter is only hurting their relationship. It all comes down to meeting both partners' needs, through lack of sex, minimal sex, sex toys, or whatever way works for the two of you.

Since my coming out to my husband, we're working on finding common ground that works for us, and I'm not going to lie, it's really hard. But we love each other, so that surpasses everything else. We both know what our personal limits and need are, and it takes time to find what works around both. Just be honest and open, and be patient.