I think my daughter is asexual.

[Trephena]

I have always had a good relationship with my 30 year old daughter and until about 5 or 6 years ago wondered why in spite of being attractive, intelligent and having lots of friends and a good social life no man (or special woman) had ever appeared in her life. Then I discovered the concept of Asexuality and everything began to make perfect sense. My problem is that her sexuality has become 'the elephant in the room' - it is something I have never felt I wanted to discuss with her or she felt comfortable about discussing. This stems from when she was about 19 and I causally asked if she had lost her virginity (as she was by then at university). I know looking back now this sounds crass and maybe it was but she has an older sister and this is kind of the talk I'd had with her and hindsight is as we know a wonderful thing. I was told in no uncertain terms that there were some things one did not discuss with one's mother and that was that. Fast forward to 2015 - I would dearly like her to know that she can come out to her family. I think she probably has to her friends. It won't make any real difference,but I can't help feeling it may be a relief to her as she probably has no idea that I am 'asexually aware'. It is whether and how I should broach the subject. So all you daughters out there give me some advice - do I just accept the elephant in the room or decide it's time we both acknowledged its existence. I would like to think it might bring us closer ( although as I mentioned we already have a fairly good relationship but after the rebuff all those years ago don't want her to think I am prying)

[daveb]

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you. Thank you for looking into it and wanting to support your daughter! It may be she's happy as things stand. I wonder if it would help to approach it roundabout rather than asking her directly if she is asexual? I don't know; like mentioning watching the aexuality video that has been on netflix or some youtube video about asexuality or other mentions in other media, like an article in a magazine or online? Just talking about it as something you came across and found interesting, without directing it at her as something that might apply to her. That's just a thought. Without knowing your or your daughter and not ever having been a parent or a daughter I don't know what would work in your case or in general.

Good luck! and

[EmpathyAce]

Hmm... For me, it's kind of hard to find an answer for this, as I've always been very upfront and direct with my mother about my asexuality, even when I was discovering it around 13-14 years of age.

I'd say you need to get that elephant out of the room, personally. But don't just jump on it, 'cause then it'll start running everywhere and it'll flip the room upside down. :P I'd say just cautiously and carefully approach it, ease into the conversation. Or maybe indirectly reference that you are supportive of asexuality without making any direct connections to her?

I'm not sure. That's the best I can think of. I wish you the best of luck!

[Tetus]

I have always had a good relationship with my 30 year old daughter and until about 5 or 6 years ago wondered why in spite of being attractive, intelligent and having lots of friends and a good social life no man (or special woman) had ever appeared in her life. Then I discovered the concept of Asexuality and everything began to make perfect sense. My problem is that her sexuality has become 'the elephant in the room' - it is something I have never felt I wanted to discuss with her or she felt comfortable about discussing. This stems from when she was about 19 and I causally asked if she had lost her virginity (as she was by then at university). I know looking back now this sounds crass and maybe it was but she has an older sister and this is kind of the talk I'd had with her and hindsight is as we know a wonderful thing. I was told in no uncertain terms that there were some things one did not discuss with one's mother and that was that. Fast forward to 2015 - I would dearly like her to know that she can come out to her family. I think she probably has to her friends. It won't make any real difference,but I can't help feeling it may be a relief to her as she probably has no idea that I am 'asexually aware'. It is whether and how I should broach the subject. So all you daughters out there give me some advice - do I just accept the elephant in the room or decide it's time we both acknowledged its existence. I would like to think it might bring us closer ( although as I mentioned we already have a fairly good relationship but after the rebuff all those years ago don't want her to think I am prying)

I'm not a daughter, but I am 29 and not out to my family. While my situation is a bit different, my relationship with them has been strained a bit for the last few years, in part because when my marriage fell apart, I was too ashamed to really open up to them about the reasons why things got so bad. Now that I'm figuring out who I am, I've been struggling with the idea of whether and how to tell them about my asexuality, so I can empathize.

What's more, even if she is asexual, she might either not be fully aware of it, or might just never have heard the term, and not be excited to have it applied to her. I might suggest that rather than offering her the definition or the label, you offer her your unconditional support. Letting her know that whether or not she ever has someone else to share her life with, you just want her to be happy might go a long way, and opens the door for her to talk more about it. I guess that might be a bit awkward if she is totally straight and just hasn't met the right person yet, but you'd know better than anyone here how she'd be likely to take a well meaning comment like that if you're mistaken.

In any case, good luck to both of you, and well done on taking the time to come here and learn more.

[Corretto]

Parenthood is not my specialty. I share more in common with the elephant than your 'daughter'.

How important is it that you be made aware of a 30yr-old woman's sexual orientation? Is it the same understanding that a parent seeks with their teenage child? I'm wondering if the adult-child association is long-gone now, and you need to alter your perspective to the adult-adult mode [2 adult women].

IMnaiveO the onus is on you to adjust your approach to explain your interest, not concern or disappointment, and your explanation better be good, because you wont have the 'right' of a child's parent to get an answer.

Why you are seeking this info at all; let alone what answer you'd like to hear, you've not told us. That's another question you might like to ask yourself again.

It'd be great to know you'd continue to have this good relationship with your daughter...not as your child.

[nutmeag]

I am a 32-year-old woman who is not out to her parents (though my sister knows). Since I am married, I feel like this is less of a big deal for me than it might be for someone like your daughter. That being said, finding a way to show your daughter that you love and support her no matter her orientation is important. Some days I wish I could tell her, since I tell her so many things, but I'm not so sure how well it'd go over.

So, as others have said, maybe don't "call her out on it," but let her know that you're open and accepting to asexuality in general.

[Trephena]

Thank you for your comments. The important thing is that she is well balanced and seems to be happy and I obviously want her to stay that way. As acespresso says - why do I feel I need to know or even need to categorize her by pinning a label on her? I don't really, but friends are constantly asking if she has a man in her life and I have found myself saying when it crops up with acquaintances who are probably never going to meet her that actually I think she is asexual. Many people as you don't need me to tell you on here have no idea what that is. The only thing that I am slightly concerned about is that her sister recently had a baby and my younger daughter is a devoted aunt. She even hinted that she might like a baby herself. As an asexual career woman that would present many challenges not faced by heteros and I don't want her to feel that she can't have a child if she really wants one. So now we have a biological time clock potentially ticking thrown into the mix which must complicate things for you girls. I feel deep down the elephant in the room needs to be approached sooner or later and sooner would probably be better....

[Nidwin]

May be tell her about us, who we're and the fact that we prefer cake over sex. For me it's actually a good Whisky over sex, but anyway.

[Sisky]

I'll be blunt here, please excuse me if it comes across as rude, it's not supposed to be an attack. Just some thoughts that might be helpful.

She even hinted that she might like a baby herself. As an asexual career woman that would present many challenges not faced by heteros and I don't want her to feel that she can't have a child if she really wants one. So now we have a biological time clock potentially ticking thrown into the mix which must complicate things for you girls. I feel deep down the elephant in the room needs to be approached sooner or later and sooner would probably be better....

- She said she might like a baby. I wouldn't interpret that as "she really wants one".

- As a 30 year old woman she's most likely aware that she will need a male partner to get pregnant, and since she still doesn't seem to look for one, it doesn't look like a baby is a priority for her right now.

- It's not "we" (the two of you) who have to deal with a biological clock, it's her. She's the one who wants the baby (if she wants one). To me this part reads a bit like "I must help her find a partner before it's too late". And whether she's asexual or not, she seems comfortable without a partner. If she wanted one for whatever reason, she'd go look for one.

- You could just tell people who ask that she's happy and not looking for a relationship at the moment. I feel sexual orientation isn't something you should mention to "acquaintances who are probably never going to meet her" without her consent. I know I wouldn't want strangers to know something so personal unless I decide for myself to tell them (and then you don't even know if she's even asexual in the first place).

[Plectrophenax]

My problem is that her sexuality has become 'the elephant in the room' - it is something I have never felt I wanted to discuss with her or she felt comfortable about discussing. This stems from when she was about 19 and I causally asked if she had lost her virginity (as she was by then at university). I know looking back now this sounds crass and maybe it was but she has an older sister and this is kind of the talk I'd had with her and hindsight is as we know a wonderful thing. I was told in no uncertain terms that there were some things one did not discuss with one's mother and that was that. Fast forward to 2015 - I would dearly like her to know that she can come out to her family. I think she probably has to her friends. It won't make any real difference,but I can't help feeling it may be a relief to her as she probably has no idea that I am 'asexually aware'. It is whether and how I should broach the subject. So all you daughters out there give me some advice - do I just accept the elephant in the room or decide it's time we both acknowledged its existence. I would like to think it might bring us closer ( although as I mentioned we already have a fairly good relationship but after the rebuff all those years ago don't want her to think I am prying)

Why exactly is it an 'elephant in the room'? Because her being unmarried/unpartnered is 'suspicious' [for lack of a better word] to some? If you have a good and trusting relationship, I'm sure your daughter is fully aware that - if she wanted to - she could address anything. In the absence of this, and bar perhaps serious suspicion that she's silently tormenting herself, you just have to trust that she will speak to you if she finds it necessary. If she never finds it necessary, then that's her decision to make. Though I'm sure she wouldn't fault you for showing some occasional curiosity in that case. Casually enquiring about a child's virginity [and being willing to drop the subject immediately] is not exactly the worst a parent can do, and carefully enquiring after a number of years cannot possibly be construed as 'prying'.

If you've demonstrated being a loving and caring parent to her, then I think you've already done enough and need not worry too much about this. But if you have real cause to assume that her potential asexuality might be a serious problem for her [regarding children, it seems] or for you [feeling like there isn't enough trust in the family, perhaps], then following the advice of casually mentioning asexuality might be useful [ideally in a completely inconspicuous context like "did you know Taylor Swift might be asexual?" as opposed to "look at this documentary about asexuality I just *happened* to stumble across!"]. Though I don't see much harm in an honest question like "have you ever been in love?" or "could you imagine having a child of your own?" or somesuch thing. I trust you know your daughter well enough to assess which approach might bear better fruit.

And I commend you, by the way, for not addressing the topic of sexuality for what must be around 10 years. I can imagine that not being the easiest thing to do, but speaking as someone from the other end, it is quite nice not to have to enagage with the subject too often, especially in trusted circles. Well done too for clearly showing enough interest to do some research and end up here, and for showing enough concern to start a thread and ask for advice for what seem to me largely unselfish reasons. I stress again that, given this, I don't think you need to worry at all.

[lucie]

I have not come out to my parents because I don't feel the need to reveal my lack of desire for sex or relationships. It's not really something that matters to me and I don't care if anyone knows or not. Maybe your daughter is the same way and she feels like her asexuality is something she doesn't need to bring up, that is, if she even is asexual.

[Batman's Ace]

First off, kudos for wanting to be supportive and all!

There are ways to say "it's okay to be you" without actually saying anything directly. The attitudes you hold make a difference--and saying things, just generally, can make the vibe safer. Just don't force it. These things need to happen naturally in conversation. And if she's happy without coming out, that's fine. Don't get anxious on her behalf. You may never know for sure. Just so long as you love her no matter what.

- You could just tell people who ask that she's happy and not looking for a relationship at the moment. I feel sexual orientation isn't something you should mention to "acquaintances who are probably never going to meet her" without her consent. I know I wouldn't want strangers to know something so personal unless I decide for myself to tell them (and then you don't even know if she's even asexual in the first place).

I agree with this. Your acquaintances and friends don't have any right to know about her orientation unless she decides to tell them. I understand people asking (my parents' friends do that, just being friendly), but I'd suggest something along the lines of "she's focusing on other things right now" or "she'll handle that on her own timing and that's fine" or "she's happy and that's more important than whether she's in a relationship."

[Blinkin]

Hello Trephena, sounds like you did some research. That's nice of you. I agree with the others, a general notice might be better than a forced one.

One thing I wonder is if all those people asking about her expect that being happy completely depends on having a relationship. Because that's something you could ask them if appropriate. Your daughter seems to be happy right now, why do they keep asking if she has found a lover?

One other thing I haven't seen mentioned here, which might be very important if you decide to talk in general about sexuality. Do you know about the different kinds of attraction? I mean that sexual attraction is only of many. For example romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, sensual attraction, etc.

It might be entirely possible that she's (also) aromantic. It's good to know about these other attractions as well to prevent misunderstanding her.

I whish you the best of all. You seem to be a very caring mother. Thanks for your support.

[Trephena]

Thank you everyone for your help and kind words of support. By the way ‘bless this mess’ – you could be right it maybe she just feels she might like a baby, not that she wants one but you are wrong in your assumption I am trying to find her a male partner - the latter is not a prerequisite for pregnancy in 2015. A few years ago the sister of a former work colleague chose to have IVF and consciously made the decision to bring up the twins she conceived alone with the help of her mother (I’m wondering now if she might have been asexual but I’ll never know). However my daughter would probably be concerned about the prospect of being a ‘single parent’ right from the start and the potential effect it might have on the child.

My comments about ‘we’ in relation to the biological clock were probably influenced by her sister who was on a definite mission to have a baby. Her biological clock was ticking so loudly I couldn’t fail to hear it! She is in a hetero relationship, had a male partner to oblige and managed to conceive relatively quickly otherwise I think she would by now be in stage of panic and neuroticism. So that was what lay behind the comment that it might become a problem, but hopefully my younger daughter won’t feel so desperate as her sister about having a child of her own – but only time will tell on that one.

However I appreciate your advice and that of Mega Mitosis that I should say she is happy not looking for a relationship rather than feeling pressurised to make any comment about her orientation (I felt I had to defend her when others were hinting that she was ‘probably gay’ as I am sure she isn’t and to be honest as I have accepted her as a potential asexual it is no big deal for me at all). In fact until I recognised that there were asexuals I justified the lack of a partner to myself by thinking she was probably focusing on her studies and then she was concentrating on her career. Discovering asexuality existed was a relief as I finally understood her rationale. I am very proud of her and that wouldn’t have be any different whether she had been gay or hetero – I just didn’t want someone pinning a label on her that was totally incorrect. But yes, no need to say anything except perhaps saying I have no reason to think she is gay and turn the tables on them and ask why they are so concerned!

The one thing that is obvious to me is that although I had always accepted that my daughters were ‘chalk and cheese’ (if it wasn’t that I know they both have the same father and come from the same gene pool I would doubt their parenthood myself J !!!) somehow it never occurred to me until I knew about asexuality that they would be different on that dimension too – so naïve of me I realise now. Maybe this is a lesson for other parents....

[Sisky]

Alright, haven't thought of that. In any case, my point still stands that it seems a bit like you're pushing the issue. Not openly and maybe not even consciously.

And regarding the biological clock, everyone is different in that regard. I either don't have one or it was broken from the very beginning (or at least since I learned what an uterus is for).

And lastly, sice I'm usually so focused on the points I'm trying to make and forget about everything else, let me say now that it's really great you'll accept her for whatever orientation she might have and that you invest so much time in understanding her. :)

[Autumn Season]

Discovering asexuality existed was a relief as I finally understood her rationale. I am very proud of her and that wouldn’t have be any different whether she had been gay or hetero – I just didn’t want someone pinning a label on her that was totally incorrect.

It would be so nice if I could hear those words from my own mother. ^^° I think you're awesome for caring and at the same time accepting your daughter no matter what.

[Autumn Sunrise]

You could well be right, that your daughter would like to be open with you, but just doesn't know how to bridge the generation gap on such a sensitive issue. My daughter came out to me in an email - fine, you might say, but . . . she was sitting next to me on the couch when she sent the email :) She wanted to talk to me, but just didn't know how to broach the subject, even though we are close and have a very good relationship. It's a difficult subject to talk about, especially if your daughter is not sure whether you are aware of asexuality or not. I do think it would be worthwhile to let her know, without being "heavy" about it, that you are aware that some people are asexual, in such a way as to open the way for a conversation if she wants to have one (and bearing in mind that it's still possible that she may not be asexual). There are lots of good suggestions in the posts above about ways in which you could do this.

I hope this works out well for you, and I think your daughter is very lucky to have such an understanding and caring mother.

[Trephena]

Autumn Season - If your mother rejects you for your orientation that is her problem not yours. I never tried to influence either of my daughters to be anything (other than decent people). I never dressed them in pink or gave them dolls (if they had wanted pink clothes and dolls –sure they could have had them as that would have been their choice but interestingly neither of them did ask and from conversations we had subsequently they think it’s great that they were not put in stereotypical boxes - and furthermore they both hate pink anyway!!!). If your sexuality is a problem for anyone then they are small minded – it is you as a person that counts . In fact I admire people who recognise that it would be wrong for them to pretend they are something they aren’t just because thousands of years of ‘culture’ has dictated that you should be hetero and it might be an ‘embarrassment’ for them (the parents I mean not the actual person) to be anything else. Ignorance is not bliss in this scenario – instead knowledge is power. However the word is slowly getting out there: just this morning I heard an interview of a happy intelligent 24 year old ACE defending her orientation on BBC Radio 4 (in the UK) – bet that made some people choke on their cornflakes! J

Autumn Sunrise - that is so funny!!! But she finally had the courage to do it.

I have a few ideas now of how to approach the subject in case my daughter wants to come out. Will come back later and set out one line I think might be worth exploring and everyone can then say if they think it is a good idea. As one of the first people to comment (EmpathyAce) said I must not let the elephant turn the room upside down, particularly as it is just possible that she is not asexual.... or would rather not come out to her parents (which after all is her prerogative).

Have a good weekend everyone

[*a*rteest]

Trephena, in my opinion, if she's happy, not depressed, not confused, and focused ina productive and good direction, there is no need to bring this up if she's 30. At this point she is far beyond adulthood and as long as she's happy it's no one else's business what she is except herself.

Also, for the record, i am childfree and have gotten sterilized at 27. It was the best decision I ever made and if my insurance did not cover it i'd have taken out a loan and gotten it done that way. She could also be innately not interested in children, but due to extreme social conditioning many people don't know that being childfree is a "thing".

I have never expressed an interest in having children or babies but if I grew up around people who loved babies I'd probably think the same way, I would just never DO anything about it...because that's how I was with sexuality, because I'm ace. I sort of convinced myself I was hetero and announced my "crushes" and the like, but it was totally hollow because I didn't know being ace was a "thing" until I was almost 30 myself.

If she was struggling and needs some direction on either of these issues, then I'd discuss it. but NOT until then.

[DeathCanoeIV]

It's interesting to read through the replies here. I have a pretty different take on it.

I'm 25 and have no intentions of ever discussing my asexuality with my mother, but I'd actually really love to hear her say what you've laid out here. If she approached me, asked if I was asexual and said she had taken the time to research and understand it and that she also supported me, that would be such a huge relief. But that's coming from someone who is actually asexual and aware of it. Your daughter may not be. Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice, but if she really is asexual, it could be incredibly relieving for her if you acknowledge it.

[Trephena]

I have given this whole topic a great deal of thought over the last few days since registering on here and reading all your comments. I tend to agree with EmpathyAce: the elephant in the room has to be gently coaxed (but not poked and prodded). Its probably best addressed in an indirect way so that if my daughter wants to respond she can and at least doesnt have to summon up the courage to bring the subject up herself if for the last few years she has been thinking how do I tell her? (and of course if she is not asexual then she wont have any cause for offence)

The subtle way of doing this might be in the following scenario. I have a niece (my daughters cousin) whom we all finally got to meet a few months ago for the first time (she lives the other side of the world). Her family belong to a fairly strict religious sect which does not recognise homosexuality at all and furthermore proactively encourages women to marry young and produce children to be raised to swell the sect numbers (I can see you grimacing from here *a*rteest !! :-) - yeah I dont go along with any of that stuff that women should think they have to have kids either its a life changing decision that no-one should try to influence unless they are directly affected). Anyway all of her sibling sisters duly complied but at 37 she is an anomaly and remains single. (I feel that given all the bible-bashing pressure if there was a chance she was heterosexual her parents would have made their best endeavours to get her married off and as she is still in the sect she would have gone with their wishes). I suppose we as a family though we hadnt met her but having seen quite a few photos had judgmentally assumed as she has short hair, a more athletic masculine rather than feminine build and body shape and through her job is trained to carry and use fire arms that she was probably gay, but I recognise now that equally she could be asexual (and just likes to keep very fit and prefers to keep her hair short).

Well this coming weekend my younger daughter and I are looking after her sisters baby for the day while my elder daughter is at a wedding and it kind of seems it might be appropriate as we are alone to reflect upon her cousins visit as whatever her sexual orientation I remain convinced she isnt hetero. So I thought I could introduce the subject and say how my sister and her husband had obviously accepted their daughters orientation however difficult it must be for them given the religious pressures etc. In fact I was going to add that given my brother-in-laws strong views on everything it must have been especially hard for him to come to terms with the fact that she wasnt like her sisters. I was then going to make the suggestion that she possibly isnt gay but asexual and as this probably fits better with their religion, made the acceptance easier. That was it, I wasnt going to press on any more at this stage.

It may not lead to anything further but it gets the message across that I am living in the 21^st century and am aware of such things. Also put in the context of a positive endorsement of my niece I really liked her, she was very personable, friendly and approachable - it may give a positive spin to the idea of asexuality from my side in case my daughter thinks my reaction might be one of shock-horror! It will at least plant a gentle seed I dont intend to go any further than that unless she steered the conversation round to asexuality at any time, but it leaves the door open if she needs to ponder over it. If she is asexual then shell know she can come back and talk to me, if not, then no harm is done. Of course if she did come back to the subject I would then direct her to your site (if she hasnt already found it and is already on here). I feel presenting her with a link too soon is like a parent doing the routine sex education thing by giving their kids a book to read on the subject. It is the support from me and your community that matters in the end not the duty to inform - job done -tick exercise. Also even if she is aware already of her own asexuality she may not have wanted to accept it. She has always been a perfectionist and a bit of a conformist and possibly she might have misgivings about not being hetero in a heterosexually dominated world and consequently be in denial. I think by pointing out that she may have an asexual cousin might help her if she does have a problem coming to terms with her orientation

[concerned mom]

Hi, my daughter just announced to me that she is asexual (she just turned 13). She was so concerned that I would be horrified (mainly because we used to talk about when she had children of her own...). Well, I wasn't horrified although I can honestly say I had never heard of the term or reference before, but I am feeling very sad. Not because she is asexual but because I just don't want her to be lonely. As an only child, I always imagined she would grow up, marry and have kids to keep her busy when we were no longer around. Simplistic maybe but I'm a mom, what can I say? That doesn't mean that I didn't also imagine her becoming so engrossed in a career that she might not have time for these things too. No path is written until it's written per se but again, as open minded as I consider myself, I just don't want life to be any harder for her than it has to be. Can anyone offer me some advice to guide her through this (as I know she is struggling with this newfound knowledge) and help me come to terms with whatever this will be. I feel very undereducated in this arena but my only real concern is my daughter's happiness. I don't believe anyone's sexuality defines them as a person but I do know that peer pressure can be dangerous if not dealt with correctly. Any help, guidance or words of wisdom for both of us would be greatly appreciated. Her dad is fine too. We just love her for being the fantastic human being she already is.

[Blinkin]

Hello Concerned Mom and welcome to AVEN,

I understand your concerns but I can asure you a few things.

1) Happiness comes from a lot of factors, a relationship can be one but is certainly not the only one.

2) As long as asexuality is used as a identity, a way to express a part of who you are, than there's nothing to worry about. It's just a short word which explains a lot of feelings, it's not a chosen way of life.

To compare it with myself: when I discovered asexuality life got more easy, not harder. I only got a word to describe something I always had. Of course I also learnt a lot thanks to that single word, but I didn't change as a person. Except that life got a little bit more easy. :)

One other thing: being asexual does not 100% mean that you don't want a relationship. Sexual attration is only one kind of attraction. There are many more kinds of attraction, you can read in short about them here: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/99987952957/i-saw-you-mentioning-the-different-kind-of

[daveb]

Hi, concerned mom. Have some (it's how we welcome people here) :)

Being asexual doesn't have to mean your daughter will be lonely. If it turns out she is romantically inclined and wants a partner some day asexuality doesn't rule that out. If it turns out she isn't romantically inclined there are other possibilities. In either case, there are many ways to not be lonely. For some it's having a circle of friends, maybe a best friend, a platonic partner, a romantic partner, or even a more "traditional" partnership with a sexual person. It all depends on her needs and desires, but there are many paths. At the very least, she has a better understanding of who she is and what her particular needs and desires might be than some of us who didn't even know about asexuality for years and tried to fit in. I do not subscribe to the idea that "ignorance is bliss". I think knowledge, especially self-knowledge, beats ignorance any day. I agree with Blinkin, when I learned about asexuality life got easier and better for me.

[Sally]

why do I feel I need to know or even need to categorize her by pinning a label on her? I don't really, but friends are constantly asking if she has a man in her life and I have found myself saying when it crops up with acquaintances who are probably never going to meet her that actually I think she is asexual.

No. No, your friends have no right to be told anything, and especially by her mother. Please don't do that; if she knew you were saying that, it could be pretty bad for your relationship with her.

[Plectrophenax]

Its probably best addressed in an indirect way so that if my daughter wants to respond she can and at least doesnt have to summon up the courage to bring the subject up herself if for the last few years she has been thinking how do I tell her? (and of course if she is not asexual then she wont have any cause for offence)

Well this coming weekend my younger daughter and I are looking after her sisters baby for the day while my elder daughter is at a wedding and it kind of seems it might be appropriate as we are alone to reflect upon her cousins visit as whatever her sexual orientation I remain convinced she isnt hetero. So I thought I could introduce the subject and say how my sister and her husband had obviously accepted their daughters orientation however difficult it must be for them given the religious pressures etc. In fact I was going to add that given my brother-in-laws strong views on everything it must have been especially hard for him to come to terms with the fact that she wasnt like her sisters. I was then going to make the suggestion that she possibly isnt gay but asexual and as this probably fits better with their religion, made the acceptance easier. That was it, I wasnt going to press on any more at this stage.

It may not lead to anything further but it gets the message across that I am living in the 21^st century and am aware of such things. Also put in the context of a positive endorsement of my niece I really liked her, she was very personable, friendly and approachable - it may give a positive spin to the idea of asexuality from my side in case my daughter thinks my reaction might be one of shock-horror! It will at least plant a gentle seed I dont intend to go any further than that unless she steered the conversation round to asexuality at any time, but it leaves the door open if she needs to ponder over it. If she is asexual then shell know she can come back and talk to me, if not, then no harm is done.

I'll refrain from commenting on the cultist notions held by some of your surrounding which really should not factor into their let alone your ways of thinking. Instead, let me congratulate you once more on the way you are handling this. While you could just drop the subject completely, I realise that the main reason you don't feel comfortable doing that is not your own curiosity but your concern that your daughter may have problems she feels uncomfortable disclosing. As a mother, this is only natural, and I'm glad to see that this doesn't impact the respect you have for her private space. So, truly, congratulations. Having her know for sure that you are aware of asexuality and don't connect it with negativity might have a real positive impact on your relation, even if she isn't asexual at all, and managing to do so in a non-confrontational, non-intrusive and non-judgemental way seem fairly ideal. Even if you were just curious and nothing more, there is little to object if this is the way you'd handle that curiosity.

Just by the bye, though I probably don't need to say this, the woman you are referring to may well be homosexual or asxual, but it's also entirely possible that she is heterosexual. Doing "manly" stuff and not being married at 37 are not indicators stong enough to completely dismiss the possibility of heterosexuality. But for the purposes of your idea that isn't really relevant.

Well, I wasn't horrified although I can honestly say I had never heard of the term or reference before, but I am feeling very sad. Not because she is asexual but because I just don't want her to be lonely. As an only child, I always imagined she would grow up, marry and have kids to keep her busy when we were no longer around.

[…]

I just don't want life to be any harder for her than it has to be. Can anyone offer me some advice to guide her through this (as I know she is struggling with this newfound knowledge) and help me come to terms with whatever this will be. I feel very undereducated in this arena but my only real concern is my daughter's happiness. I don't believe anyone's sexuality defines them as a person but I do know that peer pressure can be dangerous if not dealt with correctly.

Well done to you too for educating yourself.

Firstly, your worries are not completely unjustified. There are a few hurdles in the path of an asexual that would not be there if she was sexual. But that's not her life being harder than it has to be, that's just her life being hard. Seeing as she self-identifies as asexual and is clearly confident enough about that label so as to come out to you, I'm sure she's perfectly willing to face those particular challenges and address them the way she would address any other challenge [which is, hopefully, in a good way]. Peer pressure is a big one here, but some people are simply immune and some are overly vulnerable to it. Your daughter has already demonstrated self-assuredness, so I doubt she'll be completely run over by peer pressure. I don't think you need to worry too much.

Sadness about her being lonely is quite different. You could have been sad at the prospect of her being lonely before she came out too. There is no inherent link between asexuality and loneliness in order to justify the immediate reaction of "I hope you won't be lonely". Romantic relationships might be more difficult and less intuitive to form, but far from impossible. If she struggles, you may now know why and can provide mental assistance. If she doesn't struggle and doesn't even really try, then she may just not share your idea of loneliness, "being kept busy", or even children. Which might make you feel sad, and there's nothing wrong with that, but not sad for her sake.

In short, be a good and supportive mother to your daughter and everything will sort itself out, asexuality or not asexuality.

[Trephena]

Well I tried! However my daughter seemed a bit embarrassed about talking about the topic even though I tried to address it in the context of her cousin and she quickly tried to change the subject. I can only conclude that she is not asexual (although I feel if that were the case she may have engaged a bit more in the cousin conversation) or she is asexual and is either in denial or wants to keep it from me. I feel sad and disappointed as I assume for many of you aces it is a slightly hostile and potentially threatening world out there and although I know she is not lonely per se that does not mean that she never feels (and you too don't at times feel) isolated by just being different. It must take a lot of courage to come to terms with that you are what you are. I suspect that at 30 as she is intelligent she knows who she is by now but such a shame she does not want to share this with me. I guess being the perfectionist she is this may lie behind the problem. Somehow to her way of thinking perhaps she feels she has 'let me down' - so sad!

[Lady Girl]

I don't think you should worry about her thinking she let you down. She might not think that at all. She might just not want to talk about her sexuality with her mom...I never did...I don't talk about it with my siblings either (and I'm sexual).

[Kalyke]

You sound like a wonderful Mom!

[Tarfeather]

I'm actually very concerned how much she is nosing into her daughter's business. I personally think as a child grows up, usually the emotional connection should slowly be built down to give the child an opportunity to become truly independent of their parents.