Dealing with loneliness and isolation.

[Fjording]

Just joining the party^^ I too enjoy my own company, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having someone(s) to do stuff with. Movies, activities, special occasions and so on. I’m a tactile person and I’ve always been very touch-starved, my parents didn’t hug me blah blah. You’d think I’d be ready to jump at the chance of an intimate realtionship. How ironic that I’m ace.

There’s exactly one person in my life that I can embrace and snuggle and stay latched onto unconditionally — and she’s my aunt who lives 600 km away. I’m lucky that I have her and generally I’m fine on my own. I just… well you all seem to know what it’s like. I don't have any particularly clever advice as to dealing with it, but all the sympathy to you guys who also struggle with being alone:) Hugs and cookies

[MissB]

Yes.

It's what terrifies me at this moment. Before I found this place, I thought it would be hard enough because I'm not exactly the type that goes out picking up people. I don't like clubs, I don't drink, I'm happier around my house with my computer, playing MMOs or Roleplaying.

Now that I'm beginning to find my path into asexuality, I am beginning to be terrified that I will be unable to find that partner-for-life that I've always dreamed of. How can you do that in a world where the majority of people expects you to have sex with them?

Friends? Well, I have a few. I am not introverted at a first approach, but I AM reserved and picky about things I do or people I let into my life. I'm usually fine by myself, but there are times when that pain comes and you go like "What now? Is this how things are going to be?"

[Semtex in August]

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

I can relate, it is difficult connecting with people...it sometimes seems like the hardest trigonometry problem...I don't have a solution but please know that you are not alone and that many of us out here feel the same way

[BobRossRules]

With age, it does become more difficult to make a connection with another person, especially another asexual person. I'm an only child, and my immediate as well as extended family is very small. They live many, many miles away. After school, I moved to a new place for a job. I relocated with my husband, but since my divorce, I find myself alone. I had a few close friends where I live, but they recently moved away seeking other employment opportunities. Most of the people I know and work with are married with kids, and are very busy. Those who are single are into clubs and going out and getting drunk..not my thing. I would describe myself as shy and more of an introvert. Although I am happy being alone, I do miss having someone around.

[daveb]

I can so relate to a lot of that, ~Faraday~! (except I am far from being an only child - but the siblings I'm closest to live the farthest away, and even the ones that live a little closer are busy and they're still a couple of hours away. The other exception is that I've never been married.).

But I can definitely relate to (and could've written) all of this:

Most of the people I know and work with are married with kids, and are very busy. Those who are single are into clubs and going out and getting drunk..not my thing. I would describe myself as shy and more of an introvert. Although I am happy being alone, I do miss having someone around.

[BobRossRules]

I'd like to get out and do more, traveling or just attending local events even. However, it's so much more fun with someone!! As much as I want to travel, I do have a fair amount of anxiety about visiting new places by myself, especially outside the US. I'd be more brave with someone. I'm very comfortable online. I would even consider myself an extrovert in the virtual world. But in a crowd with real live humans, such as at a holiday party....I'm the loner that sits down in one spot the whole night. I only move for food. Working the room? Such a forgiven concept for me. My shyness is often mistaken for me being stuck up.

[Guest]

I definitely can relate. I haven't made a new friend in years real or virtual, and actually feel that I've lost the knack. I have zero friends where I now live and I do want real people/community in my life. Solely virtual communication is not enough. The pain of isolation feels real and excruciating. But, I just can't seem to connect anymore, especially as it seems so much of conversation/interaction revolves around talking about sex, sexual attraction or people's relationships. I just feel awkward and have nothing to add so I leave feeling lonelier than ever, so much so that I've kind of given up on going out other than to walk my dogs, buy groceries... Hopefully I'll get my confidence back soon and venture out. I'm sad to read that so many here are struggling with this. My best wishes to you all.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I do have a fair amount of anxiety about visiting new places by myself, especially outside the US.

I would suggest visiting another country where they speak English. The language barrier is the scariest thing about travelling. But, if you can communicate with the locals, you'll have no trouble getting lost. Go to Ireland! It's a beautiful country and the Irish love tourists. :)

[BobRossRules]

Go to Ireland! It's a beautiful country and the Irish love tourists. :)

Ireland is definitely a place I'd like to visit!!

[MaxAmoeba]

Temerity, I can understand your pain and disconnect. Talk here. :-)

[daveb]

Good luck on getting your confidence back, xoch! I hope you will make some local offline friends soon. I agree that having only online friends is not enough. I mean, people can make some nice connections online, but it's still nice to be able to get together with a friend or 2 in person, and to have local friends you can call on to have fun with or to celebrate with or to lean on or support when needed. Even for the occasional hug or other human contact.

[BobRossRules]

What are folks' plans for the holidays? Visiting family, hanging out with friends, staying in? Thanksgiving, I hung out with my dogs and cats, and watched movies. I'll probably do the same for Christmas. With work, I never seem to have time for projects. My office will be closed the week between Christmas and New Years. Maybe I'll clean out by basement, or better yet...binge watch Doctor Who! 8)

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

My sister is coming into town from Europe to spend time with the family. It should be a wonderful holiday filled with egg nog and ham. :)

[daveb]

Thanksgiving, I stayed home, cooked myself a good Thanksgiving meal, and enjoyed hobbies. Home alone for pretty much the whole 4 days. It was great! :)

Most years, that's also what I do for Christmas, once I've gotten all of my baking and shopping done and packages shipped off. I also order myself a bunch of presents online. The difference this year is I am going to visit a few close relatives in another city for a few days Christmas week. But I also made sure I have time home alone before and after the visit, so I can indulge in hobbies and introversion. :D

[BobRossRules]

Online presents to oneself are the best! It'a amazing what you can find online, especially if you want something unique and specific. Plus, you can avoid the malls and chaotic shoppers.

Personally, I like the idea of spending time to myself. I don't find it depressing at all. No one telling me what to do or saying that I'm weird...it's less stressful.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Oh I get plenty of "your weird"s. I already know. :) And I never set foot in a mall unless I absolutely have to be there. Yuck!

[newgirl]

People wouldn't be posting online if he or she wasn't lonely

[BobRossRules]

People wouldn't be posting online if he or she wasn't lonely

If I was asked, I would not really describe myself as "lonely." However, this is a valid point. If I had someone to hang out with, I'd be spending time with that person instead of online.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I got too much to do on the internet to spend all evening talking to somebody!

[booksoversex]

Lol, I am very active online, but I also have an active social life off-screen! I go out virtually every weekend, and during the week I attend quiz, meet up with friends, go to evening classes/debates etc., many of which are very social. I eat dinner with my entire family every second Sunday. I'd say I'm not particularly lonely, just because I am quite active online :) It depends on how you choose to spend your time. I spend more time chatting than Netflixing, so I always lag behind on TV shows, but I am more social on the internet than most of my friends, who are "loners" online and only play one-player games or watch TV shows. So HOW you use your online time depends too :)

[Skycaptain]

I'd agree, being online a lot needn't be a sign of loneliness. As a cab driver whilst sitting on the rank waiting for a fare it's a lot more intellectually stimulating than sitting daydreaming.

[tase]

Ok-just got home from a nice ace meetup, how come I feel lonelier than ever?

[Fire Monkey]

Was the pizza good?

[BobRossRules]

Ok-just got home from a nice ace meetup, how come I feel lonelier than ever?

oh no! what happened?

[tase]

Ok-just got home from a nice ace meetup, how come I feel lonelier than ever?

oh no! what happened?

Nothing really. It truly was a nice time. Myself along with four lovely ladies from late 20's to late 30's. All mature. No generatin gap issues, but for some reason I feel more lonely than ever. No triggers or anything. I'll be fine :)

[daveb]

Maybe it's because you have a little bit to contrast it with, having had that nice meetup?

I'm usually fine when I home alone. I tend to feel more lonely when I'm out in public alone. But another time I feel lonely is right after getting back from visiting people I like. Then the difference between being with people I like and being alone at home is readily apparent. That feeling of loneliness in that usually fades once I get back into my normal routine.

I hope you feel better soon!

[newgirl]

I wonder how many people could survive without the internet and the only way to communicate with people is either in person, calling or text. Before 2001, I was a big fan of Internet communication but now, I think it's a place for people to not have real human contact with people. When I can't get childhood friends or asexual members to call, text or see you in person because he or she prefers communication via Facebook or forum message., that is sad.

As I get older. I hate feeling lonely but I also hate, how social media is helping some people avoid human contact with people.

[tase]

Maybe it's because you have a little bit to contrast it with, having had that nice meetup?

I'm usually fine when I home alone. I tend to feel more lonely when I'm out in public alone. But another time I feel lonely is right after getting back from visiting people I like. Then the difference between being with people I like and being alone at home is readily apparent. That feeling of loneliness in that usually fades once I get back into my normal routine.

I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks dave

Yes, I am feeling better today. Maybe it was returning to being alone, along with having no one to go home to. But even when the family returned home, including lifelong out of state friends I sat among them still feeling lonely. They tried to engage me, but I was like meh. Ha

[BobRossRules]

I do believe that the internet, social media, and such can indeed be a hindrance for getting out there for some people. However, if it weren’t for the internet and places like this, many people (at least people like me) would still stay home. They just would invest more time with model airplanes, videogames, watching television, and reading. For myself, I am very shy and as I mentioned before, an introvert. I can be silly but only in situations where I feel comfortable or if I know no one is around. Until AVEN, although I had a Facebook account, I never used it (0 friends). I only have it for accessing business accounts and the like. I never was part of an online community, never chatted, never PM’d people, and I have never been a part of a listserve. Still, I stayed at home. My alone time is the same as it was before I was hanging out with all the fine AVEN folks online. It’s nice to realize I’m not broken and to communicate with others like myself. I’m more comfortable initiating a PM or making a post, then I would be to initiate contact with a real live breathing human. Of course, I want to be more social and I like the idea of “getting out there.” But when it comes down to actually doing it, I chicken out. As much as I like museums, I personally do not think I would enjoy going to one by myself. I’d rather stay home and hang out with my meowzers and woofers. I think for those who really struggle with social situations, the internet does give these people a sense of belonging and companionship, albeit virtual. Mind you, I am referring to my personal experience. If I do by chance actually meet someone, then I would be more likely to get out in the real world doing neat stuff. The problem is actually meeting someone. I would be more comfortable meeting asexuals, such as at a meetup, but there is none around me. It’s not realistic for me to drive 5 hours for one.

[newgirl]

i just think human to human /in person contact is in trouble right now