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Dealing with loneliness and isolation.


Temerity

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Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but in differerent degrees. I feel most lonely the days I really want to go out and meet people and talk to them, but no one is available. Or the days where I have no plans and just hope someone will ask me to do something, but they don't. Especially when everyone I know are coupled up and I am still alone, being bumped down on their priority lists. It used to be a huge, heavy thing, but now it's more fleeting. Of course, I am lucky in that I have a loving family and I have quite many friends, so I know there's someone there to talk to. But there are times when you feel lonely and alone and like you will always be.

What's really helped for me, it's starting to love being alone. Or, its not new, even though I am extroverted I have always loved being alone. When I grew up I was the only kid in my neighbourhood at my age, my friends lived further away. My siblings were older and "too cool" for their little sister. As a result, I played a lot by myself. So I've always had it in me, but it's hard to reconnect with that sense of self-occupation. Now I have managed to reconnect with it. I feel blessed that I can have my evenings to myself, reading or watching shows I follow, eating whatever I like for dinner whenever I like, drinking red wine in bed if I want to, never having to get complaints about cleaning my room, being able to spontaneously have a beer with collegues or go shopping - I only need to think about me, and it's a wonderful feeling. When you don't see it as a lack of something, but instead a whole lot of something else (freedom and independence), it becomes almost liberating. I have many friends who think they need to be partnered up to be happy and successful, and I think I am happier than them a lot of the time. They lament if they're alone/lonely for some time, because they're not used to it.

Of course, you're used to it, according to the OP. So just a change of mentality won't help, I suppose. Online forums/sites like this help a lot for many people.

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I'm lonely, but that's largely because I realize there are very, very few women I feel a spark with. Either their personalities or interests don't match my own, or they have no imagination, they're too adventurous, or... forget it.

But I hold out hope. I still think a lot about what a godsend a lifelike robot would be for me... we have the technology, but what's needed to make it happen is a consortium of robotics tech experts. About the only people who'd lose out are the ones who get a kick out of jerking lonely people around.

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^^ making the robot is easy. Giving it artificial intelligence and the capability of responding to emotional stimuli or a conversation would be difficult

( here's wishing a robot could clean the house for me)

When I feel lonely is on dark, cold nights in the house alone, if just watching TV or reading. Just knowing that someone else is there, to look at even if your not talking would be nice once in a while. Also I always have extra pillows on the bed, sometimes I just want to hold something against me

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I feel most alone when I'm by myself in some situation with other people who are not my friends - like out in public. Also, at home or in public or other space, when there's a special occasion or holiday or some milestone to celebrate and no one to celebrate it with. I'm least likely to feel lonely when I'm alone at home most other times (that is, most days). I have plenty of hobbies and books and such that I enjoy.

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MentalLiberation

I'm an extreme introvert too. I actually prefer to be by myself though. Going out once in a while is fun, but it's exhausting if I push it. Being a parent keeps me too busy to really dwell on loneliness.

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Autumn Sunrise

I share a house with my son and younger daughter. Since we are all naturally introverted, I've found that we do need to be sensitive to each other's need for "alone time" - and space . . . not always easy, but we try. And it is nice for each of us to know that we have caring and support when we need it. The arrangement works pretty well for us, and I think we're very lucky :)

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The thing that has given me the most comfort when I am feeling lonely is to first think Everyone is alone sometimes when they don't want to be. I try to condense it down to just this moment, not allow myself to think I am ALWAYS lonely. Because, that isn't really true. Plus I can't do anything about anything other than the present.

Then I try to fix that moment either by actively seeking out someone to do something with or finding something I enjoy doing and doing it alone. I have a whole mental list of things I enjoy and start thru that list to distract myself, the most effective one being taking a nap,lol.

I find I can deal with taking care of my momentary aloneness, but find it much harder to deal with a huge lifetime of loneliness. When I was newly divorced eons ago someone said, Where you are today emotionally isn't where you will spend the rest of your life. I don't know what the future holds and an only deal with this very moment(which is much more manageable). Hope that makes sense.

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Hard to put my current feelings into words.

I had a real nice ace meetup this afternoon. There were only 2 of us. We went for a nice hour walk. We discussed this and that. Big age difference along with not a lot of similar interests. Besides that like I said it was real nice.

Problem is it really hit home how desperately I am in need of companionship. At one point on the walk she held out her hand mainly to balance herself or just because. I so wanted to reach out and hold her hand. And after the walk was over and time to go home-the parting was not really awkward at all, but again I so wanted to just put my arms around her and give her a nice hug goodbye.

I'm now home feeling sad rather than celebrating the fact that I actually (all by myself) went to a meet and should be proud of that accomplishment.

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Autumn Sunrise

That's awesome, Soxfan2, and I think you should celebrate it :) It may be just one step on a journey, but who knows what friendship(s) that journey might lead to, if you keep going? Anyway, I feel happy for you!

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I'm an introvert but I tend to work at extravert jobs like sales and teaching. When I was teaching I noticed that if I did not say a single word to another human being all weekend that was awesome, but if I had a long weekend the third day was when it started to bother me. Since moving to my current city I've gotten involved in so many activities that I've never exceeded my forty eight hour limit, thus no loneliness to speak of. I do sometimes wish for a romantic relationship but I'm demisexual and I feel like a lot of stars would have to align to make that work. I prefer to focus my time and energy on a platonic social network.

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  • 2 weeks later...

yes, at 63 the loneliness has finally kicked in - after 25 years as a single parent alone but never lonely - to the point of madness (sometimes) as everyone seems to have abandoned me . Several personal tragedies and I took my eye off the ball. During which time I seem to have lost three old time friends who just werent there for me at all, not even a phone call. I cant forgive. My work disappeared, my purpose taken away, my two grown up children moved out and on with their busy lives., my only other friends now have retired husbands stuck to them like glue and grandchildren over which they obsess. I have no one to share anything with and find every day hard to be self motivated. Am I invisible? I want to travel and see the world, I want to give something of my talents to others, I want to laugh again......I have health fitness enthusiasm dreams but sharing brings everything to life.

Still after all these years my friends and even my 92 year old mother say 'why don't you meet someone and get married' they just don't get it....and obviously never listened when I told them who I am. I wont give up hoping and dreaming that I will meet people who are accepting of me. I have to admit it is a struggle atm...I am angry at the world and that is not good.....ps I don't eat cake but some Ace affection would be much appreciated xx

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If you want to travel, why don't you? Don't let being alone stop you. If you're angry at the world that will surely color how other people see you and may make them not want to be around you. I do hope you can turn things around and have more enjoyment and friendship in your life!

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Thanks daveb I am internally angry but outwardly get on well with people but just find there is no one around any more. I have travelled to New Zealand three winters -9. Months altogether- by my self backpacking and it was awesome. I'm just tired of it. Rant over. In recovery from ptsd hence the isolation and intensity. Being Ace is not something I chose. I would rather be like everyone else but Ace is me.

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Ah. Yeah, most of my traveling has been solo, mainly because of lack of a good traveling companion. It can get lonely, but it has its advantages, too. Pros and cons both ways. I would like to travel more with someone I get along with well (ideally, a romantic partner). But I am planning more travel whatever happens in that regard.

I'm sorry about your ptsd. From what I understand that's no fun (to understate it). I hope your recovery continues and you reach a better place!

Being ace is not something I would choose either. Same thing for some other aspects of who I am. Things that limit possibilities of friendship, romance and other relationships. But those things are part of who I am. So I have been learning to love and accept myself and hope I find someone some day who feels the same.

Best wishes (but no cake)! :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

That's awesome, Soxfan2, and I think you should celebrate it :) It may be just one step on a journey, but who knows what friendship(s) that journey might lead to, if you keep going? Anyway, I feel happy for you!

Ok so a similar situation to my Sept 27th post. A local ace meet up was scheduled, and out of 16 members, again it turned out to be just me and the organizer.

First off I was greeted with a nice text announcing her arrival, followed by a lovely welcome hug. (Remember that's all I wanted). Anyway the plans turned into the two of us having a real nice dinner. Really it seemed like a dinner date of sorts. We had really pleasant conversation, in which possible future get togethers were discussed. (It could all be in my head, but my take was the discussed plans were not related to future group events). Details of meet specified "dutch treat " which I turned into a very well received offer to pay for dinner. Over 90 minutes later, there was a real nice good bye hug. :)

So you were correct Autumn Sunrise, the journey for a nice friendship has certainly been reached.

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Autumn Sunrise

That's great - I'm so happy to hear that, Soxfan2 :) I hope there'll be some more get togethers in the not-too-distant future!

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daveb, would you mind elaborating on traveling solo? Do you go on group tours alone? Do you drive places alone? I don't seem to be able to find a good travel buddy, but there are places I would like to go, besides visiting family. TIa

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daveb, would you mind elaborating on traveling solo? Do you go on group tours alone? Do you drive places alone? I don't seem to be able to find a good travel buddy, but there are places I would like to go, besides visiting family. TIa

Mostly I just go where I feel like going on my own. I have flown to Europe a few times and traveled around on my own by various means (mostly bicycle and train). I have also flown to and driven to various places in the US and traveled around on my own. I have also gone on a few guided tours of a couple of hours to a day. The day tours were when I was visiting Inverness, Scotland a few years ago and it didn't seem like I could see all I wanted to see without a car (or the tours). One tour was in a little bus that you could hop on and off at a few stops, so you could spend more or less time at the various stops as you felt like it. The other tour (with only 4 or 5 of us on it, none of whom I knew) was in a van with a guide who knew the area very well and told us about various things along the way. The tour went around Loch Ness, stopped at Urquhart Castle, and included a boat ride up the loch. Those were fun and things I would not have been able to do otherwise.

I don't know if I would enjoy a package tour where you're with the same group for multiple days (but who knows, maybe if it was the right group and/or there were 1 or 2 people I could be comfortable with). I do like traveling with someone I know well and enjoy being with. But solo travel has its own advantages, like being able to do what you want when you want. Having a good travel buddy is something I would like to try, but lack of one shouldn't stop people from traveling.

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I'm a little late to this party, but I really identify with the loneliness and the physical pain caused by the lack of human contact. I have found that the occasional therapeutic massage helps a great deal and cuts out completely the fear or aversion of any other intimacy.

After 30 years of marriage, my communication skills are pretty rusty, and I'm finding that finding kindred spirits is difficult. The fear of rejection is overwhelming, and taking romantic risks is, well, pretty excruciating, too. I just really don't like putting myself out there as damaged goods.

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I've been wanting to try a massage. I should call and set up an appointment in November. As for damaged goods, I think it's better to avoid such terms. I prefer "experienced". :) Because you've lived life, had some experiences and learned more abut yourself, who you are, and your wants and needs.

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Autumn Sunrise

I agree with daveb. "Damaged goods" is a label imposed by society, and a pretty cruel and judgmental one at that! The fear of rejection and difficulty finding kindred spirits is very common, I think, but an online community like AVEN can be helpful here, because people get to know and appreciate you for who you are, while you preserve a degree of anonymity. Later on, you might like to consider going to an ace meetup - if you look in the Meetup Mart you should be able to find something within reasonable distance from where you live. Good luck!

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The older you get the harder is is to maintain and connect with freindships and stuff. Studies have actually been shown that most people make all there social connections by the time they're 18 or maybe 21 if they go to collage. If you're like me however, you've had to cut ties with many people so as a result you don't have friends anymore. All I can say is stay online and keep in the chatrooms because from my personal experience that's all there is at this point.

Not nessassarily bad though, if you play video games you can even game with people or take up an mmorpg. Back when I played RO I had many people to talk to xD

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I'm feel alone even though i have parent, 2 siblings and 1 male friends. in my inner circle I've been going through a blue moment because I hate that i live in a world that the internet helps us connect with eachother easily but........ The internet ALSO hurts people when it's time to connect offline face to face human to human contact. Is offline friendship dead?????? I hope not.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can relate a bit. I am an introvert. I have no friends who live near me, outside of work colleagues (who I rarely ever associate with outside of work, and don't call or get called by, so I don't really count them as friends.). I like plenty of alone time, but it can be nice to have someone nearby to call on, to hang out with, go to a movie or a restaurant or other event, celebrate holidays and other special occasions with, talk to, and even have some physical contact with, like hugs or even cuddles or sitting or laying close together to watch tv with. So I do get lonely at times.

(I am 58 now, but I don't think it was much easier for me to make friends when I was younger, as I've always been socially awkward.)

Wow...this describes be perfectly (except I'm 42).

I have no close friends or family members. There are a few work colleagues who I'd love to form a friendship with, possibly more, but they don't want to associate with anyone from work outside of work. Once I leave work, the only people I talk to are the cashiers of the stores I visit on the weekends. I can't even say when the last time I had physical contact with anyone. It's really depressing for me at times.

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I think it is really hard for us introverts to make friends. I pretty much consider myself friendless. (Although a few friends from high school are still technically friends, but there is no one I can call to hangout with). (And technically I only made those friend when I became pot smoking friends, none before and none after-37 yrs ago). It regularly hits home as I cruise dating sites where everyone lists going out with friends for what they do on Friday nights.

Physical contact is sadly simply non existent. (A few posts up I was beside myself with joy in receiving 2 hugs in one day)

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Thanks Fire Monkey. I'm just experiencing a little pity party this weekend. I intend to end it tomorrow.

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Yeah, Stargazer, I can go days at a time without saying a word to anyone (or just very brief exchanges with salesclerks and such). I've noticed in the last year or so that after the rare occasions when I do spend some time talking to someone I often end up with a sore throat for the next day or so. I guess that's from a lack of exercise of the vocal cords. :P

Soxfan, I have those pity parties occasionally, too. I think it's okay to acknowledge those feelings from time to time, but not dwell on them endlessly. I'm glad to hear you're going to stop it tomorrow. I do feel the lonelies sometimes, but I still feel like life is beautiful and I enjoy it much more often than I feel self-pity. I have learned to be pretty self-sufficient and I've always enjoyed solitary pursuits. :)

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