Dealing with loneliness and isolation.

[Temerity]

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

[Archived]

I'm not an introvert (I don't think). I hang out with mainly everyone. I'm so close to my best friend for a number of reasons, we emotionally relate, she takes me seriously and a lot of other things.

I also feel pretty lonely all the time. I don't know if it feels really physical to me, but over the years I've preferred physical pain to emotional/mental, because emotional/mental is much worse. I cope by talking to people, particularly my best friend.

You said that you've aged, I'm only 13 so if you're alright talking to someone young like that, send me a message ^_^

[Anyina]

May I say how amazd I am that there are people here as young as 13 yeras old? I mean, I wish I had known about this when I was that young: some things would have been so much easier, I could have skipped so much crap and made sense out of a lot more...

Anyways, sorry for the disgression. I'm coming back to the topic now.

I'm sorry to hear that, Temerity. I remember I usd to worry a lot about that (when I was in my teens in my case), but for different reasons: the family where I come from there is this believe that "in the end, family is all that lasts", and mine has given me so much pain over the years that I was scared to death that they were right and my friends would not last long after I finished school and after that. As it turns out, they were wrong and I don't worry so much about it anymore, but... I can relate to your feelings, I am also a very introverted person, I actually have to force myself to make the effort and met new people from time to time (I choose to force myself to do so in order that I will have the oportunity to get to know other people and expand my horizonts). The only "advise" I can offer is this: don't despair, you just need to find your pace and keep it up =) Dealing with people can be hard and tiresome sometimes, but you only need to do as much as you want to do. Good thing on these days is the internet, such a great tool. Some people may think it is so... unpersonnal and "cold" to have online friends, but I think to some extent it is perfectly okay and even good for us introverts (I do think a certain amount of face to face interaction is desirable and healthy for everybody, but still): for me, having an internet friendship is not as energy taxing as actually meeting with somebody (I like seeing my friends, but it's a different kind of interaction, and even if I have fun, it can also be tiresome, much more so than just talking to somebody on gchat).

I'm rambling, sorry. As I said, I just mean don't give up.

Best of lucks!

P.S. You can also message me if you want =)

[AwkwardGuy]

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

Wow, I could have written this myself. :(

Feeling disconnected is a very painful feeling. I've been suffering with it for many years. And you are right, that it becomes more difficult with age to make new friendships and establish any kind of intellectual or emotional intimacy.

Also, I've noticed that people are becoming a lot more picky as to whom they allow into their lives. I don't know if this is related to people having a virtual infinity of opportunities to select from online, or if it is related to my age and circumstances as well, or maybe both. I just know that I have a very difficult time making new friends now. It seemed much easier in the past.

If you ever want to talk or make a new friend, then you are welcome to message me in private.

[daveb]

I can relate a bit. I am an introvert. I have no friends who live near me, outside of work colleagues (who I rarely ever associate with outside of work, and don't call or get called by, so I don't really count them as friends.). I like plenty of alone time, but it can be nice to have someone nearby to call on, to hang out with, go to a movie or a restaurant or other event, celebrate holidays and other special occasions with, talk to, and even have some physical contact with, like hugs or even cuddles or sitting or laying close together to watch tv with. So I do get lonely at times.

(I am 58 now, but I don't think it was much easier for me to make friends when I was younger, as I've always been socially awkward.)

[butterflydreams]

I'm glad to hear someone else refer to it as a physical pain, because I think for many people it can be. I'm sorry you have to feel that though. I don't know that many people understand what it's like, and I know I've been one to get visibly frustrated and even angry when people don't seem to understand. After all, I understand. Why is it so hard for others?

Nobody has a manual for life, but I think people really don't have a manual for being alone and introverted and lonely. I've tried so hard to correct it, but I can't. Sadly, it often comes down to a question of whether or not ending it sounds like a good idea. Generally it doesn't, so I guess you just keep on chugging away.

The Little Engine that Could was one of my favorite books as a kid. I loved trains, but I really took to heart the story of that little engine. Against all odds, it just kept going. Do whatever you have to, but keep those wheels turning.

[Autumn Sunrise]

I can relate to a lot of what's being said here. I've never found it easy to make friends, and often avoid social occasions because they just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I do have a few friends that I find easy to talk to, but of course most people my age have partners and families, and these have to come first. I am lucky, though, that I share my home with an unmarried son and daughter, and the three of us care for each other and usually get on very well together.

Hadley, I love your reference to The Little Engine that Could; there've been times in my life when I knew I just had to keep those wheels turning, but somehow I've always managed to push through to a better place.

Temerity, welcome to the AVEN community I hope you'll find friendship and understanding here, and maybe in time even have the opportunity to met up IRL with some of the people who have become online friends :)

[Tanwen]

I'm alone most of the time but don't feel lonely. Maybe it's because I'm a 'self contained' person, perhaps my mother was right when she said I was too selfish (ie thinking of myself too much) to make a good friend. I agree with daveb when he says it would be nice to have someone to go out to places with or have the occasional cuddle; the only 'social' life I have is connected with my dogs. I think I'm lucky

[MissLunarWolf]

I feel lonely almost all the time. I really don't have many friends at all, and the one's I do have live far away from me.

BUT, I recently found this "Asexual Pen Pal Project", you should look into it, if you think it would help ^_^

http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/123059601841/ace-pen-pal-project-faq

[Mikasa]

I feel lonely almost all the time. I really don't have many friends at all, and the one's I do have live far away from me.

BUT, I recently found this "Asexual Pen Pal Project", you should look into it, if you think it would help ^_^

http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/123059601841/ace-pen-pal-project-faq

That sounds nice! Registration is currently closed though. Hopefully they'll accept some new people soon.

[MissLunarWolf]

I feel lonely almost all the time. I really don't have many friends at all, and the one's I do have live far away from me.

BUT, I recently found this "Asexual Pen Pal Project", you should look into it, if you think it would help ^_^

http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/123059601841/ace-pen-pal-project-faq

That sounds nice! Registration is currently closed though. Hopefully they'll accept some new people soon.

Oh darn, sorry I didn't notice. But I'm sure they will. You could try emailing them, and see

[themadhattersghost]

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I'm only 27, but I struggle with making friends because I have social anxiety and am just plain awkward. Haha. But if you ever need someone to chat too, please free feel to PM me. I'll be sure to send good vibes your way. (:

[Unlabeled]

Everything we ever feel is the result of neurochemicals being produced, or not being produced in our brains. Serotonin, dopamine, etc. So if you feel a certain way most of the time, and don't want to or it's a negative feeling, chances are there's some way to seize control of your brain chemistry and get it producing or not produicng whatever's giving rise to that feeling. Vigorous exercise produces endorphins which are many times more potent than heroin yet completely safe and natural, doing something you really enjoy, certain foods, etc.

Ordinarily we have a range of emotions. If one in particular that you don't like is coming to define you so that you notice it try changing it. As a last resort there's always psychiatry. I'm more a fan of natural and psychological approaches (talk therapy and the like) but if that fails they have an app for that as they say. :)

[Sandraisme360]

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I'm only 27, but I struggle with making friends because I have social anxiety and am just plain awkward. Haha. But if you ever need someone to chat too, please free feel to PM me. I'll be sure to send good vibes your way. (:

I'm an introvert and I thrive with close connections and intellectual conversations and emotional intimacy.

As I've aged, it's harder to meet and maintain close friendships. People eventually pair up and just have much less emotional space for another person. I keep going to meetups and activities, but it's been a few years of that and it's not happening.

Loneliness is a physical pain that haunts me day to day and gets worse and worse. I go to therapy and all that jazz.

You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I'm only 27, but I struggle with making friends because I have social anxiety and am just plain awkward. Haha. But if you ever need someone to chat too, please free feel to PM me. I'll be sure to send good vibes your way. (:

I to struggle finding friends. I am most successfull with making friends by getting involved with things I am interested in. I do think that as people pair up there is less room to let others in. Meny people work a lot and have there few friends and don't seem to have space for more. If us who are looking for more friends could hook up that would be cool.

[weedhopper1994]

I not really an introvert. I can meet and greet folks, but I have issues maintaining a friendship. One of 2 things are to blame one is I have a serious fear of getting hurt or I for some reason become annoyed with others. I the folks I get annoyed with either become too needy or they turn out to be jerks. The folks that do not annoy me at any time I have this way of letting the friendship kinda just fizzle out. I just kinda hide in the background learning how to interact with the "normal" people....their jokes, and other lines of thinking.

[sparklingstars]

I struggle with loneliness. I live alone, and my family lives far away. I do have friends nearby, which helps considerably, but some days I still feel very alone in this world.

I have found that it does help to get involved. Volunteer, join a group, go to a Meetup.com activity, whatever you can do that gets you out of the house and involved with other people.

[daveb]

I've been feeling it more than usual recently. I don't have any family or friends close by. No one to hang out with. I've tried a few meetups for things I am interested in, but they seem to meet too far away at the wrong time and I haven't made any connections with any of the people. I also have trouble with the hot summer weather. I tend to get more migraines, more feelings of loneliness and isolation, and such things - sort of the opposite of SAD (winter seasonal affective disorder more people suffer from). I need to start planning some things. :)

[Autumn Sunrise]

I believe I understand how you feel, Dave. It's a pity we live live on opposite sides of the world - I think I'd enjoy hanging out with you, and be quite happy to go home when we both felt we'd had enough for the time :) (SAD could be understood as "Summer Affective Disorder" - that's the way I feel about it :D I'd love to live in a cool/cold country)

[oskietje]

I think I'm thankful that I discovered asexuality at a younger age. It allowed me to understand myself better, but it didn't make the experience any better. I think part of the reason why it feels so lonely later in life, is that people start to pair up and start giving up on you because you have less things in common that can connect you. It's difficult to have all friends that are married and have kids (which I do), because they always want to share their experience but I haven't anything upon which to base a similar experience.

However I will say this; being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. I've learned to become content with lonliness (to a certain extent) and to forge onward with my life. It allows for freedom to do what you want, when you want, move where you want and when you want, to partake or not partake in anything that you want or don't want. The possibilities are somewhat endless for lone-wolf type people.

I can be difficult and manifest in other ways, but time heals most wounds and we discover that it starts to matter less when we delve head first into something else. The distraction helps, a lot.

[Autumn Sunrise]

" . . . being alone is better than being in a bad relationship."

Exactly what I said to my friends after I got divorced - a decision I've never regretted :)

[Skycaptain]

Fortunately I'm in a position to have an active social life. Spending a lot of my free time in pubs and clubs may not be very healthy, but it stops me being stuck indoors alone all evening.

Having two jobs and working for 70-80 hours a week as a minimum means that for half the time I'm occupied anyway.

It's why I don't go on holidays other than visiting family, the idea of a week in a strange place alone is my idea of hell.

Not to put to fine a point on it I hide from the situation rather than confront it.

[daveb]

Oh, I agree, okietje! I've uttered that very phrase myself many times, and meant it, too. I don't really even mind not having a romantic relationship (although it would be nice to have a good one). It's the lack of any sort of friendship locally that pushes my loneliness button sometimes.

[mackat5]

Because of my health (parkinson's) I am pretty much a shut in. I have found for me Facebook is a good place to have some kind of a social life. I do have people coming into my apartment, but sometimes it can get to be too much for me because they are medical personal. I have family near, and have made friends here, but they have their own lives and still work. Loneliness can take several forms. I have been in a large group of people and still felt very lonely. I also don't drive anymore because of my health. So no more meetups.

PM me for info on who I am on FB. I also have Skype, voice only for now. PM me for info.

[Tetus]

While I'm coming to terms with my asexuality, I'm definitely not aromantic. After my marriage fell apart, I've been struggling a lot with the idea of how I'll ever be able to have that level of intimacy again. The absolute last thing I want to do is put anyone I care about in a position like my spouse was in again.

Dating is something I was bad enough at before I realized that I couldn't actually provide what most people are looking for in a partner, and that has definitely made me feel isolated.

[possiBri]

Just want to say that I can completely relate as well. I'm 31 and I have a few close friends who live several hours from me, plus a work friend and several acquaintances which I'm extremely grateful for. But even with that, it's definitely been extra tough lately as I've really started to realize that everybody close to me is already paired up, and I really haven't had a "best friend" for about 8 years now, and it sucks. I'm definitely familiar with the physical pain, too.

I'm not exactly an introvert, but I'm not really an extrovert either, and being demi/gray-a makes the idea of dating unappealing, so I decided to join a Pinball league and thought I might have the opportunity to make single friends that might turn into something more... only to find out one of the guys just got married and pretty much every other person is either married or in a relationship. It's not really possible to be a single female and be best friends with a married guy, and I don't want to be an emotional crutch for a relationship because I've been there... BLAH.

I'm definitely down to chat if anybody is up for it... we can talk about crazy ridiculous stuff or super deep stuff (or anything else in-between), because internet friends are the best!

[The_Halfmoon]

I'm super introverted, which does not mean shy. I just feel my energy drained whenever I have to talk to people for too long

But I definitely painted myself into a corner, so to speak... I deleted 90% of my Facebook friends and really most of my family from my life. I work and I draw and I sleep. Simple life.

I enjoy solitude and isolation, and they can be wonderful things if you embrace them. But people are social creatures. Fortunately there are places like this where you can talk to people without having to go through the whole ordeal of forming a bond and emotional connection.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Yup, the age of 31 sounds about when I realized that all my friends were married. :) The truth is, you'll probably see them less often, but they won't be completely out of your life either. Just wait until they all start having kids, then you really won't see them anymore!

I am wondering if perhaps it makes sense to try and befriend early 20 year olds. That would give me five or six good years of friendship before they get hitched and I have to make a whole new set of friends. :(

[GeoAmy]

Loneliness is a big problem for me and I find that most people just think you don't like being by yourself. That attitude frustrates me because that is not the issue at all. I actually do all sorts of things by myself including travel and don't have a problem with it. Like was said before the what you want, when you want, and how you want is often nice. I also find the intensity cycles up and down for me. Right now, I'm pretty low.

I've always had difficulties making and keeping friends. I wouldn't say I'm social awkward either- just people find me a bit off I guess. And now that I'm in my 40's, its even worse. People are busy with partners and kids but I also find that I have trouble connecting with other people, especially women. I think it's partly because I'm a fairly atypical female that is very logical and technical who most people find intimidating. I'm now starting to think having a rather gender neutral personality is an issue too. As a petite female I'm supposed to have a specific fun bubbly personality, and it's not even close. A lot of people annoy me as well and I have little patience dealing with people that don't have it together. My family is all far away too and of course busy with kids or limited by health issues.

Yup, the age of 31 sounds about when I realized that all my friends were married. :) The truth is, you'll probably see them less often, but they won't be completely out of your life either. Just wait until they all start having kids, then you really won't see them anymore!

I am wondering if perhaps it makes sense to try and befriend early 20 year olds. That would give me five or six good years of friendship before they get hitched and I have to make a whole new set of friends. :(

Funny you mention befriending 20 year olds DJ Ace! My 2 good Ace friends back home in Houston are in their 20's (I'm in my 40's). They are both mature and it works out ok. (The one thing I'm careful about though is the finance differences.) I'm currently living in Australia for a work assignment so I'm not getting to hang out with them right now. I was hoping a "fresh start"/adventure would help me out, but it's really made things worse. I've yet to find people to hang out with regularly here. And it doesn't help that alcohol is a major part of the culture here and I only have a couple of drinks to be social. Getting drunk is of no interest to me. There is a nice couple at work that invite me out from time to time, but again, they have their social circle and live on the other side of town (I don't have a car here). Luckily my job is going well and that keeps me going from day to day at the moment.

I've also joined the ace dating sites. Not much luck there either. Met some nice people, but the distance is often a problem or the maturity just isn't there. Connecting here is a bit of a help though.

Its a shame we're all so spread out. Being able to meet in person would probably help us all out ;)

[Eowithraviel]

I'm an introvert and the loneliness is what has encouraged me to come on here. it can take me a little while to open up to people less now than what I used to be like.

Currently I can count the number of friends i have on 2 fingers. I'd like to go out and try some groups not often but every now and again, but i get so shy in groups and need that second person to hang around with and dare I say help start/continue a conversation.

I don't know about the loneliness being physical, to me it just feels like something is missing. if that makes any sense.

[tase]

I too am an introvert. I only have several people I can call friends, and they are from high school. Really only 1 can actually call n an emergency, but have never done so. So it appears I have made ZERO new friends since 1976.

I was very much in total solitude for 5 years after my divorce(married 20 fucking yrs) anyway it was so bad that I tried to hang myself in March. Thank god for family that has more or less rescued my life. There are now 5 other people I am forced to live with. I do some activities with them, but basically I am still alone and lonely.

I literally have no place to go and no one to do it with. I'm going to my 2nd ace meetup on Sun, but will be the oldest by 25-30 yrs. hey at least I'm trying. I am also trying to be more active on Aven and have met some really nice folks. At least here we can all be lonely together.