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Heteroromantic Asexuals: Are They "Straight"?


Aranea

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EnigmaticAnomaly

Modly reminder to be careful when discussing labels. People accept these labels as a part of their identity. It's fine to talk about what the label means, but please don't talk about a label as if it is wrong or doesn't exist. That's degrading to the people who accept it as a part of themselves.

Thanks!

scarletlatitude

TGA mod

Oh come on, he was just joking... And it was funny, anyone who is offended by a harmless joke needs to rethink life.

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Vincisomething

To me, if a heteroromantic ace (or aromantic heterosexual) wants to identify as straight, that's great, but I personally do not (I'm demi-heteroromantic and ace). To me, being straight means being both heterosexual and heteroromantic.

I am not out to many people, so most people think I'm straight. Those who know I'm ace, however, had better not call me straight... especially once I've told them to please not call me that.

Even so, as Sgt. Salt has pointed out, I do have a lot of straight privilege. I realize that. Even though I really do not like being called straight and feel that it erases a part of me often makes me feel alone and broken, or in a more positive light, a part of me that makes me unique, I do not feel comfortable calling myself gay or queer because I recognize that I do not face the same kind of discrimination as these groups have historically experienced.

So no, I am not straight, but I do benefit from the illusion of straightness that I possess. (Straight passing, in my opinion, does constitute erasure, but it simultaneously protects from other forms of discrimination, and therefore I do think there is privilege somehow)

Haha, I was going to comment something similar, then I saw this comment.

I say "straight passing." I appear to be heterosexual, but I'm not. Heteroromantic aces can call themselves straight if they want, but it's pretty toxic for everyone else to say "heteroromantic aces" or "heterosexual aromantics" are straight people, because it's like thinking "straight" is default. When people think of "straight," most people assume someone who is attracted both sexually and romantically to the opposite gender. Aromantics or asexuals kind of exclude at least one of those. I just don't like when people call asexuals or aromantics "straight"- it's not the same.

When people assume I'm straight (I don't blame them, I'm not out to a lot of people), it erases who I am. It's like when this goes down:

"would you have sex with him"

"... no?"/ or if I found him attractive and thought he had "romantic attraction potential" (what I just called it)- "technically yes..."

"What does that mean"/"you don't find him attractive??"

"uh......."

It's like a light-skinned biracial person who has white-passing privilege, but to call them white erases their identity of being a PoC. Like, stop. Gross.

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Vincisomething

To me, if a heteroromantic ace (or aromantic heterosexual) wants to identify as straight, that's great, but I personally do not (I'm demi-heteroromantic and ace). To me, being straight means being both heterosexual and heteroromantic.

I am not out to many people, so most people think I'm straight. Those who know I'm ace, however, had better not call me straight... especially once I've told them to please not call me that.

Even so, as Sgt. Salt has pointed out, I do have a lot of straight privilege. I realize that. Even though I really do not like being called straight and feel that it erases a part of me often makes me feel alone and broken, or in a more positive light, a part of me that makes me unique, I do not feel comfortable calling myself gay or queer because I recognize that I do not face the same kind of discrimination as these groups have historically experienced.

So no, I am not straight, but I do benefit from the illusion of straightness that I possess. (Straight passing, in my opinion, does constitute erasure, but it simultaneously protects from other forms of discrimination, and therefore I do think there is privilege somehow)

Seriously, it's this whole toxicity of "you're not straight enough" or "you're not gay enough." Let people choose for themselves. If you're not a heteroromantic asexual/heterosexual aromantic, stop telling others how their orientation works.

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I avoid the word "straight" and use the more politically neutral "hetero" unless I have heard that specific person self identify as straight. Although a cis hetero romantic asexual need not identify as straight, they clearly aren't LGBT either. They are certainly free to join a larger political coalition movement like LGBT+ or whatever acronym we eventually settle on, although for that to be useful or productive they would need to be allies to the other members of the coalition anyway.

As I see it, a hetero romantic asexual person can have more or less in common with LGBT depending on their attitudes and behaviors. Asexuals who go through the coming out process have more in common with LGBT than asexuals who intend to pass as a permanent lifestyle. Asexuals who put energy into building their community also have a lot in common with LGBT. Asexuals who treat asexuality as a real sexual orientation and seek to date within it have more in common with LGBT than asexuals who plan to keep seeking heterosexuals to date as a permanent lifestyle. If someone doesn't want to be visible, doesn't want to associate with a community based on their orientation, and doesn't want to date within their orientation, it's unclear to me how they think LGBT+ could help them anyway.

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  • 2 weeks later...

heteroromantic aces are straight because they do not experience sga. so are aromantic heterosexuals for the same reason. aromantic asexuals are not technically straight but they're by no means queer or LGBT.

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Tis an old thread but an ongoing argument, so I guess I'll put my two cents in:

Since realizing that I am an asexual, I've ceased calling myself straight. I don't identify as straight because if I said I'm straight, that's giving someone a whole different idea of how things work for me than what actually goes down (not only that, but there's a fair enough chance that I'm not heteromantic). I'd feel like I'm telling a lie about how I work in relationships, and I'm not going to do that.

Honestly, I don't mind too much when someone says that heteromantic asexuals are straight so long as they're not telling me I'm straight. I am the only one who gets to decide that, and there's no difference between someone telling me I'm straight and someone telling me I'm not asexual. It's rude.

EDIT: I've also found this:

Asexuality is not heterosexuality. Heterosexism functions as a way of privileging heterosexual people, not asexual people. If asexual people benefit from heterosexism, it is only because there is so little awareness of asexuality that we are forcibly grouped with heterosexual people, whether we like it or not. But invisibility is not the same as privilege. There is evidence that, when awareness levels are accounted for, asexual people are discriminated against in similar ways as LGB people are. The Trevor Project works with asexual people who are suffering because of their orientation.. Asexual people are victimized by compulsory sexuality, media erasure, medical mistreatment, and corrective rape. Even hetero-romantic asexuals encounter all of these problems, because they are not heterosexual.

Was from Do you think asexuality and aromanticism, by themselves, are queer identities?

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Since this topic is still going, I might as well put in my two cents.

For me, I do use the term straight when around my family since they aren't exactly fans of LGBT+. I will also use straight unless I have felt safe coming out to someone. I can see why others would not want to use straight, but for my own safety/convenience, I still identify with straight in my head.

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  • 7 months later...
Ally Fey / Alaxer

I can't stand being called 'straight' because that means 'heteroromantic heterosexual'. I am not the latter, I am asexual, and my romantic orientation does nothing to change that. I'm also questioning the possibility of me being panromantic, fyi. Anyway, why does 'straight' have to be an umbrella term for people who only experience any attraction towards a sex or gender that isn't theirs? It's not. It's only a shortcut to describe an orientation that is 'the norm'. 

 

Yeah, sure I have straight-passing privilege, but so do many other LGBT+ identities. Bisexuals, pansexuals, polysexuals - especially if they are in different-gender relationships - also have straight-passing privilege. But they're still LGBT+. They don't have the FULL straight privilege. It shouldn't be any different for hetero aces/aros

 

The number of times I have been ridiculed for my asexuality is countless. Being heteroromantic does not prevent people calling you 'a plant' 'inhuman' and the like. Lack of sexual attraction is seen as something wrong in such a sex-focused society and your nonsexual romantic love "isn't enough/valid/real love". I've doubted more than once that I'll ever find someone who loves me without the need for anything sexual in our relationship. Do straight people experience that? No. 

 

Being LGBT+ isn't about how much oppression you've faced anyway. It's about not being cisgender, heteroromantic and heterosexual at the same time. Gay people who come out and are completely accepted by their family and friends, they're still LGBT+. We're not just going to kick them out because they're accepted in their social circles. I don't see why aro/ace folks can't have this too.

 

As for homoromantic aces/aro homosexuals, I wouldn't call them 'gay' unless they themselves are okay with the label. That's the thing, you should call people what they're actually comfortable with, instead of assuming what's okay to call them. I can understand why sga folks would call themselves 'gay' but, again, it's all a matter of personal choice. This also goes for heteroromantic aces/aro heterosexuals. They can identify as straight if they want - and I can see why - but you can't call all of them straight. 

 

'Straight' and 'gay' are both romantic and sexual orientations to me. Being called straight erases the asexual part of my identity. Asexual =/= heterosexual, even if you're heteroromantic. Aromantic =/= heteroromantic, even if you're heterosexual. 

 

It's why I roll my eyes when x-sexuality is described as "sexual, romantic or emotional attraction" instead of just "sexual attraction". Like, I get it if you mean romantic x-sexuality, but it still ticks me off when people see romantic/emotional and sexual attraction as always going together. At least phrase the definition of x-sexuality to be "sexual attraction that may or may not also include romantic/emotional attraction". It works much more efficiently and inclusively (so aromantic allosexuals aren't excluded).

 

So, to answer the question: no, heteroromantic asexuals are not straight - unless they themselves personally identify as straight.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Evergreen Faun

I don't identify as straight anymore. That being said, I have not come out publically so I'm ok with skating along on "passing straight."

 

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On 01/05/2017 at 11:00 PM, Ally Fey / Alaxer said:

It's why I roll my eyes when x-sexuality is described as "sexual, romantic or emotional attraction" instead of just "sexual attraction". Like, I get it if you mean romantic x-sexuality, but it still ticks me off when people see romantic/emotional and sexual attraction as always going together. At least phrase the definition of x-sexuality to be "sexual attraction that may or may not also include romantic/emotional attraction". It works much more efficiently and inclusively (so aromantic allosexuals aren't excluded).

 

Well for almost all sexual people, their sexual orientation *is* made up of romantic and emotional attraction as well as sexual feelings, and the people they desire sex with are those they are attracted to in those ways. It's all so intertwined that each feeling can't be separated. What we define as "sexual attraction" most commonly on AVEN is actually only experienced by a minority of sexual people.. for many of them, a LOT more goes into their sexual orientation than just "getting sexually aroused by attractive people", and there are many who don't experience that at all. And for those that do experience that, those feelings are still often tied up with other emotions, not just "I'm horny I want to bang". There are also a vast amount of sexual people who can only actively desire sex with someone once they have a romantic bond with them, so they define their sexual orientation based on the direction of their romantic desire because the two are so integrally entwined that they are practically one and the same thing (for those people). So yeah, that's why those different experiences aren't often picked apart by sexuals. For most sexuals, those experiences are all part of one overall experience that can't be separated into parts. And aromantic sexuals certainly aren't left out, they just experience their sexual orientation without a combined desire for romantic relationships (though emotional attraction can obviously still be important for them, just not actual romance and romantic feelings)

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Not really. Heterosexual is straight, heteromantic alone is not that.

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Quote

 As a heteroromantic asexual myself, I would say I am NOT straight. 

 "Straight" really refers to heterosexual people, which is something I am not.

I prefer to think of it as referring to people who pursue the opposite sex as relationship partners, whether that's for sex, marriage material, or otherwise.  Similar to how from what I've seen here, people will still use the term "lesbian" to specify "I'm a girl who likes girls" even if they do not participate in anything sexual.

 

The only reason it typically gets used as synonymous with "heterosexual" is because most people aren't even aware there's such a thing as a romantic orientation.

 

Quote

Our experiences are quite different than that of an average straight person

In some sense you could be right if you feel the sexual element makes a drastic difference by itself, but the funny thing is that I never viewed myself as much different in this regard.

 

I never felt that there was something that drastically different with the way I associated/bonded with the opposite sex, or the way that I could start experiencing attraction toward another.  For me back then (when I had still never heard of the term "asexual") it still seemed "straight" to me.  It just never culminated into desiring sex.  To me that never seemed like the deciding factor that should have had me saying "welp, I can't be straight".  I was male, I preferred females for company and bonding.  That was all I really felt that mattered.

 

Then again, I guess if you're asexual, you tend not to place sex on as high of a pedestal to begin with.

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Honestly, labels like that should never be enforced or chosen for someone other than by the individual themselves. A person can ask for help to try and discover what labels they feel most comfortable with, but ultimately it boils down to this:
If a person feels that the label "straight" suits them and should be a part of their identity, so be it.

If a person feels that the label "straight" does not suit them and should not be a part of their identity, so be it.

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Straight people want to have sex with people of the opposite gender. Period. If you don't like or want to have sex with the opposite gender, you're not straight. And any straight person will tell you this. As them. Don't ask other asexuals what straight is. 

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No, what it means is that I'm not heterosexual.

 

"Any straight person will tell you that" because, again, the majority of typical/straight people can't comprehend separating sexual/romantic interest.

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  • 2 months later...

hello all. i am new here and i have a pretty strong opinion on this topic but I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings. With that being said I do not believe that heteroromantic asexual people have a place in the LGBTQ+ community. I do believe asexual people are discriminated against, but it is completely different from LGBTQ people. This isn't about who is discriminated against "more" but rather the discrimination is different. Asexual people have always had the right to get married, adopt children, receive medical attention, etc. Ace people have never been killed or attacked for being ace, unless you are homo-romantic and ace. Hetero-romantic ace people will never be in the same position or know the same struggles as LGBTQ+ folks. And also, essentially you are straight, because even though you have no sexual attraction to anyone, you still have a hetero-romantic attraction which is essentially what being straight is. If you like the opposite gender regardless if it's sexual or not, you are straight. 

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But if someone asked if I was gay or straight I might shrug and say neither (or point behind them at something AMAZING that they HAVE to turn around and focus on RIGHT NOW). Or I might say ehhh...straight...ish *wavy hand gesture*

You could say it's a grey area *boom* (how many times has this pun been made already?)

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  • 5 months later...

You're probably going to think this is stupid but when I saw the contradiction between homoromantics calling themselves gay and heteroromantics calling themselves ace - it made me think of an important point that you may have missed. What constitutes sex. Could fooling around be a form of sex or do genitals have to be involved? I'm thinking that the cultural expectation to have penetrative sex is a lot bigger for heterocouples than for homo couples. I'm a homoromantic asexual female. I guess we're expected to have oral sex but in the past I didn't care so I went with gay or lesbian. In addition the term lesbian is a bit broader than any words that exist to lable men.

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  • 3 months later...
KestralHath

In answer to the question about would someone think you were "straight" (as a man) for admiring women aesthetically (not sure if I've managed to quote it or not -still getting the hang of this forum!): I would probably assume that you were straight as a "random person", but personally, I would conclude that I could not consider you "straight" because of it, on the basis that I sometimes think the pretty much the same way, but am female, and do not consider myself to be a lesbian because I am not sexually attracted to women.  In fact, I've asked myself almost the same question as you: "does admiring women make me a lesbian"?  I am pretty sure that a) the answer is no; b) other people may come to a different conclusion about themselves; and b) the word for it doesn't matter anyway.  Does that make sense?

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I'mTheDecoy

This is my opinion coming from an aro point of view, so I can see that it may well jar with someone who is alloromantic. 

 

Straight is a sexuality. Ace is a sexuality. Therefore they are different things.

 

I guess it comes down to whether you identify by your romantic attraction or your sexual attraction. Since this is a forum for aces, it's generally likely that most of us identify with that and therefore our sexual attraction is what defines our sexuality. Therefore not straight. 

 

Since I personally don't even get 100% what romantic attraction is, (whereas I do understand sexual attraction) I can't see how that is the thing that defines you.  It's just the icing on top. It doesn't change what flavour the cake is.

 

BUT of course if it IS a big deal to you, then you may well feel the total opposite.

 

In the end, it's being ace that gives us a right to the support of the LGBTQ+ community. You could be trans and straight, and still be welcome, so these gatekeepers should f*** off.

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  • 1 year later...
Se'noj Suirad

In my personal opinion, I feel we are just simply put not controlled by our innate sexual desires. I don't have a life defined and revolved around my sexual organs. I can exist with a female and not have to constantly put my private area in her private area frequently to define our relationship. TBH that's what mess a lot of heterosexual/heteromantic relationships up from my experience.  We are an over sexualized country that forgets live starts in the mind and the rest will flow as needed. If your relationship is 100% based on sex can you even call that love? There is a clear, educated, and separate distinction between love and lust.  I feel neither choice is wrong or right, just be knowledgeable and don't group both together.

 

Peace Love and blessings 🙏 📿

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Locking this as an aged thread. Please feel free to start a new one if there's anything fresh for this discussion. Skycaptain moderator TGA 

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