Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

teagansk

Sexuals - How to replace empty feeling

Recommended Posts

Sally

Not having sex doesn't mean the ace doesn't understand it's hurting their partner. It doesn't mean they don't get sexuals need it. It doesn't mean they don't get it's an emotional and sometimes considered spiritual thing. A lot of the people who post the rather sex-negative things on the forums are younger, not been in a mixed relationship. I wouldn't judge us off the "Sexuals can think of nothing else!" sort of posts. I've talked to many aces in mixed relationships and they got it. They felt guilty. They just couldn't do it, because that would be throwing themselves into negative emotional states to please their partner. And I get not being willing to do that. Just like I get not being willing to stay if the sexual isn't getting their emotional / physical needs met.

Yes ^^

I've read a lot of posts by frustrated sexuals who say "He's very happy; I'm miserable". I really doubt the asexual is happy when their partner is miserable. That's portraying asexuals as being heartless.

Well, people in general are often heartless and don't care much for others as long as it doesn't affect them, in my experience even toward their partners.

In your experience maybe, but I wouldn't say that in general about people. I was simply talking about the frustrated sexuals who've said that in posts on AVEN.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
They just couldn't do it, because that would be throwing themselves into negative emotional states to please their partner.

And the result is that their sexual partner is in a continual 'negative emotional state' because they're not wanted sexually. It's not a choice they're making (beyond choosing not to end relationship); it's not something that comes and goes - it's ongoing; it triggers the same parts of the brain as physical pain.

Sexuals aren't heartless either, and our partner's unhappiness affects as in the same way as our unhappiness affects them - on top of the pain from the lack of sex. So it's very, very difficult to see how the resulting default state of the asexual getting substantively what they need, and the sexual knowing they'll never get what they need, is causing the same amount of distress to both sides. This isn't to blame anyone, or compete for victim status, it's just a hard conclusion to avoid.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

Yes, it is a very hard situation on both sides. But, by default of the fact it's DOING something, the not having sex to not hurt yourself tends to be what wins out usually - because being hurt by doing something means you are actively hurting yourself (and also your partner, because who wants to have sex with someone they know they are traumatizing?) and by default is the easier one to avoid. An asexual forcing themselves into sex has also been something sexuals have posted about though, because then they say they feel like rapists and that is a bad feeling to have. And can lead to further trust issues as well. It's just the hard fact of such a huge incompatibility in needs. Somewhere, somehow, both are getting hurt if there isn't a compromise that works for both.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
An asexual forcing themselves into sex has also been something sexuals have posted about though, because then they say they feel like rapists and that is a bad feeling to have.

Yes, it's horrible. And even if the asexual is doing it with genuine generosity and taking some kind of pleasure, there's still the underlying knowledge that they'd really rather not if it wasn't a Thing...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RAZS

You guys are talking in terms of once a month. Around here I'm lucky if she's interested once a year

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
You guys are talking in terms of once a month.

And according to Kinsey, the average for couples in their 20-30s is 3-4 times a week, and in their 40s-50s, twice a week. It doesn't seem to get referred to much on AVEN.

Clearly what's important is what works for each couple rather than a very broad brush average and frequency is far from the whole issue, but I think it underlines the big difference between normative (NB that's 'normative' not 'normal') expectations are, and the compromise levels that many asexuals can live with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tarfeather

You guys are talking in terms of once a month. Around here I'm lucky if she's interested once a year

Let's just call it "never" and be done with it. :<

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Let's just call it "never" and be done with it. :<

Or, if you're many asexuals 'almost more than I can cope with'...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Steve2050

I think the notion of "balance" is somehow missing. The rationale very often seeping through the lines of asexual partners who are outraged at their sexual partner having sex with someone else is "it's not that I don't want my partner to have sex with me, I don't want my partner to have sex". Therefore the real balance is not to be found in "refrain from having sex or get lost", as would seem to be the case for many asexuals, or "have normal sex with me or get lost" as many sexuals would wish to put it but "refrain from having sex with me and have as much sex as you want with someone else instead". Of course this is not a healthy situation for a couple whose asexual partner openly told her sexual partner from the very outset s/he would not have sex with him/her. But it is definitely the only healthy solution for a couple whose asexual partner did not say that when the sexual partner still had the option to back off. In my particular case, although I dearly love my wife, had she told me when she was 20 that she was asexual (or her feelings toward sex when the term asexual did not exist) I would definitely have engaged with someone else. Asexuals, however flexible and honest they are, cannot understand this, just as a person who has never felt real hunger cannot understand what it means to be starving. So it serves no purpose to say "Yes, it is a very hard situation on both sides." when you can only understand one of them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I think the notion of "balance" is somehow missing. The rationale very often seeping through the lines of asexual partners who are outraged at their sexual partner having sex with someone else is "it's not that I don't want my partner to have sex with me, I don't want my partner to have sex". Therefore the real balance is not to be found in "refrain from having sex or get lost", as would seem to be the case for many asexuals, or "have normal sex with me or get lost" as many sexuals would wish to put it but "refrain from having sex with me and have as much sex as you want with someone else instead". Of course this is not a healthy situation for a couple whose asexual partner openly told her sexual partner from the very outset s/he would not have sex with him/her. But it is definitely the only healthy solution for a couple whose asexual partner did not say that when the sexual partner still had the option to back off. In my particular case, although I dearly love my wife, had she told me when she was 20 that she was asexual (or her feelings toward sex when the term asexual did not exist) I would definitely have engaged with someone else. Asexuals, however flexible and honest they are, cannot understand this, just as a person who has never felt real hunger cannot understand what it means to be starving. So it serves no purpose to say "Yes, it is a very hard situation on both sides." when you can only understand one of them.

You seem to be speaking for groups of people rather than representing your own perspective, and seem to be saying that all sexuals are this way and all asexuals are such and such. It's probably not true that all asexuals don't understand, although some (and they would admit it) don't.

I get it that you in your situation have made certain decisions and have certain feelings about your situation. Some sexual persons in a similar position may share some of those thoughts and feelings. But not all of us do.

As for balance, what works for you might feel totally unbalanced or unhealthy to me in my relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

Asexuals, however flexible and honest they are, cannot understand this, just as a person who has never felt real hunger cannot understand what it means to be starving. So it serves no purpose to say "Yes, it is a very hard situation on both sides." when you can only understand one of them.

I think you should just can it with stating what/how "asexuals" think or feel. 1) you are not asexual, but more importantly, 2) asexuals are individuals just as sexuals are individuals.

Stereotyping is not welcome here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Steve2050

"2) asexuals are individuals just as sexuals are individuals." I think you should patent this, Sally...

Everybody speaks out oh his/her own experience, baby girl. True for you, me and the next door neighbor. So let's go back to balance. If my wife is not hungry, does that mean I shouldn't be eating? All I'm saying, and OF COURSE I speak out of my own perspective, that's what we're all doing here, is that if she decided that she's not hungry and therefore didn't prepare a meal I am totally free to prepare my own meal, to skip dinner too or to go to a fine restaurant to eat what I please. If you think I should be fasting because she's fasting or go on a diet because she's on a diet then she's free to do what she pleases and I am not. There is no balance. Likewise, if I must forsake sex because she doesn't like it there is no balance because one partner is imposing his/her will to the other. So the only way in which a balance can be reached is (a) if the couple has no sex because none of them wants sex; (b) the couple has lots of sex because both of them want lots of sex and © one of them (A) has no sex at all while the other one (S) has lots of sex. Anything else is an imbalance. And the ONLY way for (S) to get lots of sex while (A) has no sex at all is for (S) to have sex with another partner. Octopus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

Again...that scenario is the balance for you and her...not for all (S)'s and (A)'s. What works for in your relationship doesn't work in mine and some other mixed couples on the site. That's why open marriage isn't the only option, or the only way to create balance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Steve2050

I mentioned the only 3 (three) balanced scenarios I can think of: (a), (b) and ©. Can you please tell us what balanced scenario (either one of these three or another one) would work in your relationship?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

Currently scenario a) no sex because neither wants sex is no sex because one doesn't want it...and I'm happy. Me being happy in the relationship does not mean that my desire for sex just disappeared, but I found out I don't have to have sex to be happy in the relationship. For many years, your scenario b) lots of sex because both want it was for us a fair amount of sex because one wanted it...we were moderately happy that way. Scenario c) was basically getting it elsewhere if one wanted it and the other didn't...which wasn't even remotely balanced/happy for us.

So for me, the scenarios aren't the only balanced options. If your solution to the disparity works in your relationship, I'm not going to say it's unbalanced or unhealthy. If those are the only balanced solutions for you I get that too. But for me, that isn't how I achieve balance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

"2) asexuals are individuals just as sexuals are individuals." I think you should patent this, Sally...

Everybody speaks out oh his/her own experience, baby girl. True for you, me and the next door neighbor. So let's go back to balance. If my wife is not hungry, does that mean I shouldn't be eating? All I'm saying, and OF COURSE I speak out of my own perspective, that's what we're all doing here, is that if she decided that she's not hungry and therefore didn't prepare a meal I am totally free to prepare my own meal, to skip dinner too or to go to a fine restaurant to eat what I please. If you think I should be fasting because she's fasting or go on a diet because she's on a diet then she's free to do what she pleases and I am not. There is no balance. Likewise, if I must forsake sex because she doesn't like it there is no balance because one partner is imposing his/her will to the other. So the only way in which a balance can be reached is (a) if the couple has no sex because none of them wants sex; (b) the couple has lots of sex because both of them want lots of sex and © one of them (A) has no sex at all while the other one (S) has lots of sex. Anything else is an imbalance. And the ONLY way for (S) to get lots of sex while (A) has no sex at all is for (S) to have sex with another partner. Octopus

I don't care what you do individually, Steve, nor do I like the sarcasm in your posts (I'm not "babygirl" to you) or the assumptions that you know what is what and no one else does.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrsJones7180

My husband is also very handsome. I prayed for the first few years for him to find me attractive. Then I prayed for me to stop loving and wanting him. Finally, I prayed for him to lose his looks. I've jumped through every hoop a woman can. He doesn't have any attraction towards me. We live as brother and sister. We had our 20th anniversary in June...I was thinking maybe...but NO. No sex. He doesn't touch me at all, I read that some of you get to at least be held and kissed. I get a kiss when he comes or goes somewhere, and that is it. I'm so unhappy. I long for somebody to want me. My sex life died at 35. He stole it, and threw it into the trash. For years and years I have heard, I love you, I'll work on it, stay with me. Now I'm too darn old and worn out to start over. So here I am seeking some sort of something from y'all. My gorgeous husband is 4 feet away, and yet I am all alone. The yearning is the worse. He had no right to marry me and then to hold me all those years. He knew it would never change, but yet he insisted on me staying... Makes no sense. What kind of man doesn't touch his wife? Ice cold...

This is describing me to a tee. Im 35 newly married and we are just discovering my husband in fact is asexual, sometimes I want to hate him sometimes i want to cheat but im his wife and I wont do that and lastly I feel like I will be wasting the rest of my life and that love is not supposed to be this way and will never be strong enough to see this through. Then I give up and then the cycle starts all over again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
butterscotchwm

My husband is also very handsome. I prayed for the first few years for him to find me attractive. Then I prayed for me to stop loving and wanting him. Finally, I prayed for him to lose his looks. I've jumped through every hoop a woman can. He doesn't have any attraction towards me. We live as brother and sister. We had our 20th anniversary in June...I was thinking maybe...but NO. No sex. He doesn't touch me at all, I read that some of you get to at least be held and kissed. I get a kiss when he comes or goes somewhere, and that is it. I'm so unhappy. I long for somebody to want me. My sex life died at 35. He stole it, and threw it into the trash. For years and years I have heard, I love you, I'll work on it, stay with me. Now I'm too darn old and worn out to start over. So here I am seeking some sort of something from y'all. My gorgeous husband is 4 feet away, and yet I am all alone. The yearning is the worse. He had no right to marry me and then to hold me all those years. He knew it would never change, but yet he insisted on me staying... Makes no sense. What kind of man doesn't touch his wife? Ice cold...

This is describing me to a tee. Im 35 newly married and we are just discovering my husband in fact is asexual, sometimes I want to hate him sometimes i want to cheat but im his wife and I wont do that and lastly I feel like I will be wasting the rest of my life and that love is not supposed to be this way and will never be strong enough to see this through. Then I give up and then the cycle starts all over again.

I... really don't know what to say. D: I wish I could help all of you who are struggling, but all I can do is give my perspective as an asexual person. I mean, I hope there is some reassurance knowing that it isn't anyone's fault. There is nobody to blame in this sort of situation, and I know you guys understand that. If you must blame something, then blame the fact that asexual education (or most of sex education for that matter) is not wide-spread in our society. A lot of people end up not knowing that they're asexual until they get into a relationship. Even though many of us had the feeling that we were different from most people, and couldn't imagine ourselves being sexual, our family, peers and society in general keep telling us that it WILL CHANGE once we meet the right person... Because wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone is part of "HUMAN NATURE." And so when it DOESN'T change, that's when we finally started digging through the internet to find useful information.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrsJones7180

My husband is also very handsome. I prayed for the first few years for him to find me attractive. Then I prayed for me to stop loving and wanting him. Finally, I prayed for him to lose his looks. I've jumped through every hoop a woman can. He doesn't have any attraction towards me. We live as brother and sister. We had our 20th anniversary in June...I was thinking maybe...but NO. No sex. He doesn't touch me at all, I read that some of you get to at least be held and kissed. I get a kiss when he comes or goes somewhere, and that is it. I'm so unhappy. I long for somebody to want me. My sex life died at 35. He stole it, and threw it into the trash. For years and years I have heard, I love you, I'll work on it, stay with me. Now I'm too darn old and worn out to start over. So here I am seeking some sort of something from y'all. My gorgeous husband is 4 feet away, and yet I am all alone. The yearning is the worse. He had no right to marry me and then to hold me all those years. He knew it would never change, but yet he insisted on me staying... Makes no sense. What kind of man doesn't touch his wife? Ice cold...

This is describing me to a tee. Im 35 newly married and we are just discovering my husband in fact is asexual, sometimes I want to hate him sometimes i want to cheat but im his wife and I wont do that and lastly I feel like I will be wasting the rest of my life and that love is not supposed to be this way and will never be strong enough to see this through. Then I give up and then the cycle starts all over again.

I... really don't know what to say. D: I wish I could help all of you who are struggling, but all I can do is give my perspective as an asexual person. I mean, I hope there is some reassurance knowing that it isn't anyone's fault. There is nobody to blame in this sort of situation, and I know you guys understand that. If you must blame something, then blame the fact that asexual education (or most of sex education for that matter) is not wide-spread in our society. A lot of people end up not knowing that they're asexual until they get into a relationship. Even though many of us had the feeling that we were different from most people, and couldn't imagine ourselves being sexual, our family, peers and society in general keep telling us that it WILL CHANGE once we meet the right person... Because wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone is part of "HUMAN NATURE." And so when it DOESN'T change, that's when we finally started digging through the internet to find useful information.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Loyal?

This is the first forum I can relate to. I have just discovered the word asexual today. I have been married for8 years been together for 15. We have not had sex in over a year now. I can understand being miserable. Not only am I miserable, unhappy, eating to much basically making very unheathly choices. Since our sex life has disappeared. So has my self esteem. I feel rejected and ugly. I've gained weight, don't dress like I used to or put make-up on like I used to. I think about this all the time day and night. My husband seems happy as can be. Going to bed with a kiss and rolling over fast asleep. We have discussed not being intimate. It always ends in a fight with me feeling very depressed. I moved into my own apartment 200miles away. He calls me and acts like we are just your everyday ordinary couple. I can barely be civil. He got arthritis a few years back and that is always his excuse. He's in to much pain. But he can do everything else just fine. Only at night do the pains come on. I'm at my wits end. My plan is to discuss asexuality with him and find out if this is how he feels. It sure fits. Any advise from you wise people would be greatly appreciated. I did tell him I didn't want to go the rest of my life without sex and that I would have an affair. I don't want a divorce but I just don't want to live the rest of life without intimacy. Help please, miserable doesn't touch how I'm feeling

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Hi loyal - it sounds like a horrible situation and he's in complete denial over whatever's going on. Not just the lack of sex but that you've moved 200 miles away because he won't address it. It's so much more frustrating when the other partner won't even engage.

It's going to be painful but it might be best to decide if the relationship is over, and try to move on, and make a new life for yourself in your new home. If nothing else, it might give him a much needed jolt and face reality.

How long has the no sex thing been a problem? Was it good before that? Might there have been a specific event that triggered his lack of interest?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dancedrum

Hi Loyal....I can so relate to what you are saying....my situation was similar, except luckily, we were not married. My BF had every excuse 1)prostate problems 2)age 3)illness 4)stress......and he would say things like"Let's go to the movies and then come home and make-out"....but the "making out" would never happen. When I would sleep at his apartment, I would wear sexy lingerie and he would not touch me the entire night....not even a passionate good night kiss. Not only was the sex non-existent , but there was no affection either. I really felt like a sister, not a "girlfriend". I felt unattractive, rejected, sad and lonely. And whenever I would try and discuss this, my BF would tell me that if I kept on pressuring him about sex it would only get worse....but in reality, it couldn't have been much worse! I had never met a man like this before and was so frustrated. To me, cuddling, kissing, touching are important and my way of showing that I care for someone.....If I mentioned to A. that he might be asexual, I am sure he would think I was crazy. This man is in total denial...but being that we were not married, the relationship just ended a few days ago. I think when I get over the anger and frustration and confusion we can become friends but not right away. If I were you, I would either think about divorce or ask for an open relationship....you have EVERY RIGHT to have your needs met. I am so sad for both of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...