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Custos

Sexuals - Initial Attraction Thoughts?

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FlowerSpirituality

Summers, it never worked out for me either. I have tried to do the sexual social norm. Asexuality helped me to see I do not need to try to be what I am not. In the dating scene, you are supposed to have sex by your third date, which I avoided and have no desires to do. So far, three months has been too soon! I need to be very close emotionally! I just appreciate the Aesthetics of looking at attractive people, especially men without sexual desires.

I'm glad to hear this. This site has also helped me and hopefully one day I'll accept I don't need to do/feel the sexual norm. I also need more time than three dates. I can't tell if I even like a person after seeing them three times! I can also find people attractive but not be attracted to them.

Summers,

I find people, including myself, are happier when we accept and embrace our sexual orientation! You are sexually normal for you. I refuse to date anybody 3 times if I have to deal with that type of pressure! One of my dates was horny for me during a movie. After the movie, he had to rush home to relieve himself. I think he turned himself on by fundling my knees. All it did for me is arrouse my curiousity to understand such strange unusual behavior that I never seen before!! Human behavior (Psychology) fascinates me! This happened one summer when I forced myself to go on 3 dates. I still dislike dating though it was not so bad. I think conventional dating is more for Allosexuals.

Read my post before this one, Summers, and you will see my view on attractiveness. I know what Allosexuals find attractive since I do know them so well! Someone thought I was weird because I thought Bill Gates was kind of cute! Hahaha!!! Just honor yourself and just be you. I am learning this about me. I am concerned if a guy can tolerate my wanting to get to know him before having sex if I ever will. I am happy that I don't need to try anymore because it is so not worth it to me. Waiting for that special bond will be worth the wait!!

If I like you, I can tell within the first 5 minutes. The problem is that I like everybody in a platonic manner. It takes a while to distinquish platonic feelings from romantic ones!!! I used to get confused with a few guys thinking it could be more since I cannot tell the difference before I knew I was Asexual. I think I need to depend on my DemiRomantic side beyond just feeling closeness to the person. What about you? I am thankful for AVEN and its wonderful founder who did an excellent job promoting Asexuality. This truth has set me free!

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WhenSummersGone

Summers,

I find people, including myself, are happier when we accept and embrace our sexual orientation! You are sexually normal for you. I refuse to date anybody 3 times if I have to deal with that type of pressure! One of my dates was horny for me during a movie. After the movie, he had to rush home to relieve himself. I think he turned himself on by fundling my knees. All it did for me is arrouse my curiousity to understand such strange unusual behavior that I never seen before!! Human behavior (Psychology) fascinates me! This happened one summer when I forced myself to go on 3 dates. I still dislike dating though it was not so bad. I think conventional dating is more for Allosexuals.

Read my post before this one, Summers, and you will see my view on attractiveness. I know what Allosexuals find attractive since I do know them so well! Someone thought I was weird because I thought Bill Gates was kind of cute! Hahaha!!! Just honor yourself and just be you. I am learning this about me. I am concerned if a guy can tolerate my wanting to get to know him before having sex if I ever will. I am happy that I don't need to try anymore because it is so not worth it to me. Waiting for that special bond will be worth the wait!!

If I like you, I can tell within the first 5 minutes. The problem is that I like everybody in a platonic manner. It takes a while to distinquish platonic feelings from romantic ones!!! I used to get confused with a few guys thinking it could be more since I cannot tell the difference before I knew I was Asexual. I think I need to depend on my DemiRomantic side beyond just feeling closeness to the person. What about you? I am thankful for AVEN and its wonderful founder who did an excellent job promoting Asexuality. This truth has set me free!

Thank you! This does make me feel better. I am who I am and I can't or shouldn't change. I'm not dealing with that stuff either and I feel the same interest about this norm sexual behavior. I feel the same way on looks, people can be good looking but I don't feel what most feel. I'm more naturally on the romantic side and can appreciate looks so I might be confusing my dates lol. It took a few years to realize I don't naturally crave sex.

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Mysticus Insanus

OFF TOPIC re: Deleting posts

How do you delete your own post?


You can't. You can get a mod or admin to do so, though.

Really? How weird is that. I never seen any website where you cannot delete your own post if you have changed your mind about posting it. Wow! I wonder why.

Well, what you can do is edit your post and delete all of its text, replacing it with a single "x" or "." or "Never mind" or something like that. AVEN actually has an unlimited edit time window, so you can - unless the thread has been locked - even do this literally years after originally posting. ^_^ But what CBC said is true, only admods can completely delete them.

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Skullery Maid

Pan and Tar pretty much have this covered.

Casual sex has virtually nothing to do with sexual attraction. You say to yourself "I wanna get laid" and then you find someone willing to bang ya. Attraction doesn't enter into the equation... it's the desire to sexually connect that drives casual sex.

I think most sexuals by a HUGE degree are grey... those who aren't are likely the outliers, IMO.

I can't answer the question posed by the OP because I don't experience whatever it is they're asking about, but I am super sexual. I don't, however, EVER look at someone and legitimately want to fuck them and have an inner dialogue about it. It's never happened in my life.

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Serran

I can't answer the question posed by the OP because I don't experience whatever it is they're asking about, but I am super sexual. I don't, however, EVER look at someone and legitimately want to fuck them and have an inner dialogue about it. It's never happened in my life.

I've known some people that see a person and want to have sex with them right away... but yeah, most people I know only either 1) Want sex and don't particularly care with who (go to bar find person that'll say yes, essentially) or 2) Want to get to know a person first and if they connect, then they desire sex with them

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Skullery Maid

I can't answer the question posed by the OP because I don't experience whatever it is they're asking about, but I am super sexual. I don't, however, EVER look at someone and legitimately want to fuck them and have an inner dialogue about it. It's never happened in my life.

I've known some people that see a person and want to have sex with them right away... but yeah, most people I know only either 1) Want sex and don't particularly care with who (go to bar find person that'll say yes, essentially) or 2) Want to get to know a person first and if they connect, then they desire sex with them

I've known some people who do it too, but yeah... your 1) and 2) I can both do, but I can't genuinely desire a specific person upon first glance.

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Hooded_Crow

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

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humantoafault

I definitely couldn't do casual sex.

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Serran

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

Is it though? I've watched a group of aces drool over "hot" actors and they sound exactly like any group of sexuals at my college, except they don't desire sex, so sexual acts never get discussed. I've watched my mom, who when I told her about asexuality said "Maybe that's what I am" (and the fact she has never desired sex, finds it boring and prefers to never have it again leads me to think she'd fit that too) buy the wrong album because she was distracted by the hot guy on the cover. What pull beyond what aces can feel do sexuals feel that is this "sexual attraction" (which I have never heard any sexuals give a consensus to). I don't get the going gaga over someone's looks like some aces and some sexuals do, but that's just me... I don't get aesthetic appeal anyway. Beyond "Oh, his eyes are a nice color" but that's like enjoying the color red, not at all the same as "OMG I could stare at that chest all day"...

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Tarfeather

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

Is it though? I've watched a group of aces drool over "hot" actors and they sound exactly like any group of sexuals at my college, except they don't desire sex, so sexual acts never get discussed. I've watched my mom, who when I told her about asexuality said "Maybe that's what I am" (and the fact she has never desired sex, finds it boring and prefers to never have it again leads me to think she'd fit that too) buy the wrong album because she was distracted by the hot guy on the cover. What pull beyond what aces can feel do sexuals feel that is this "sexual attraction" (which I have never heard any sexuals give a consensus to). I don't get the going gaga over someone's looks like some aces and some sexuals do, but that's just me... I don't get aesthetic appeal anyway. Beyond "Oh, his eyes are a nice color" but that's like enjoying the color red, not at all the same as "OMG I could stare at that chest all day"...

Yes, this is my impression as well. I've been browsing a lot through these forums and the way some aces here get "hyped" about someone's appearance seems to go beyond what I experience (I care a lot about personality). So then when they go all "But it's just aesthetic attraction, nothing crazy mind-altering like those sexuals experience" I kinda get confused and a little bit irritated. ^^

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Serran

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

Is it though? I've watched a group of aces drool over "hot" actors and they sound exactly like any group of sexuals at my college, except they don't desire sex, so sexual acts never get discussed. I've watched my mom, who when I told her about asexuality said "Maybe that's what I am" (and the fact she has never desired sex, finds it boring and prefers to never have it again leads me to think she'd fit that too) buy the wrong album because she was distracted by the hot guy on the cover. What pull beyond what aces can feel do sexuals feel that is this "sexual attraction" (which I have never heard any sexuals give a consensus to). I don't get the going gaga over someone's looks like some aces and some sexuals do, but that's just me... I don't get aesthetic appeal anyway. Beyond "Oh, his eyes are a nice color" but that's like enjoying the color red, not at all the same as "OMG I could stare at that chest all day"...

Yes, this is my impression as well. I've been browsing a lot through these forums and the way some aces here get "hyped" about someone's appearance seems to go beyond what I experience (I care a lot about personality). So then when they go all "But it's just aesthetic attraction, nothing crazy mind-altering like those sexuals experience" I kinda get confused and a little bit irritated. ^^

Yeah... it seems more like a personality trait than anything. Some people feel a pull towards a person (in whatever way feels right to them, sexual/sensual/romantic whatever) and some do not. Doesn't seem to be based on orientation.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

It's called aesthetic attraction, just a stronger version of it. A pull toward a certain kind of look. Like for me, it's very dark eyes, I feel an instant pull to them, want to look at them, and if the person also has good bone structure and is what I would consider aesthetically attractive, I may even have emotions, and actual ''feeling'' of their attractiveness. But that's literally all it is. It's a non-sexual attraction to the way some people/things look. Sexual people can have it, many do, some don't. Asexual people can have it, many so, some don't. It has nothing to do with ones sexual orientation.

You yourself have said in the past gay men can call women sexy/hot (correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure I read that in a post of yours but apologies if I am wrong about that).. Gok Wan is always grabbing womens breasts and butts and telling them they are a goddess etc. Does that make him straight? no he is gay as gay. He desires partnered sex with men, not women, but he can still find women damn sexy and says so often. Are you questioning his sexual orientation by saying sexual attraction is ''finding people sexy''/feeling a 'pull' toward them based on physical appearance with no desire for actual sex involved, and by default it is this experience (finding people sexy/feeling a 'pull' toward their looks) that defines one's sexual orientation?

It is perfectly possible for someone to lack that strong aesthetic connection that many people feel (a-aesthetic? lol) but just because they lack a strong emotional response in relation to aesthetic attractiveness, this does not make them asexual. Asexual is not 'no aesthetic attraction'. It never has been and never will be.

You can have aesthetic appreciation (being able to recognize if something is beautiful, like a face or a sunset) without feeling attraction to it. It's not aesthetic attraction unless actual feelings are stirred, to the extent you would say ''daaaamn'' or describe yourself as ''drooling'' over them or use a word like 'sexy' or 'hot' to describe them. For example, I can appreciate that Robb Stark is aesthetically attractive to look at, but don't ''feel'' emotions in relation to that attraction. I feel no different than looking at a nice sunset when I look at him. But for Jon Snow, I can ''feel'' his attractiveness when I look at him, to the extent I would call him a ''damn fine specimen'' and mean it ..that's aesthetic attraction as opposed to merely aesthetic appreciation.

gok250.jpg

^^This man only desires sex with other men, he is homosexual. He definitely experiences aesthetic attraction to women, but as aesthetic attraction is NOT sexual attraction, and is not a defining factor in sexual orientation, he is still a gay man. No matter how good women's breasts feel and look to him.

Just as an asexual can love breasts, but still be asexual. The difference between an asexual and Gok Wan, is the asexual does not desire partnered sex (for sexual pleasure/release) with anyone, whereas Gok Wan only desires partnered sex with men.

EDIT: Just to summarize, An asexual man who loves breasts would feel exactly the same as Gok Wan does when groping a woman's breasts. He may love the way the breasts look and feel, may even romantically love the woman attached to them, but there is just no desire to ''get off'' with the woman. Only difference is an asexual man also has no desire to 'get off' with other men either, for any reason - love, aesthetic attraction, good old 'raw carnal lust' haha... An asexual person just does not desire partnered sex for sexual pleasure/release under any circumstances, regardless of any other factors involved. Whereas a sexual person, for different reasons under all sorts of different circumstances depending on the person, does desire partnered sex for pleasure/release. It's the desire to have partnered sex with another person that is the key here. It has nothing to do with this 'magical feeling' that apparently only sexual people get, when they look at attractive strangers (which seems to be the main incorrect but persisting idea perpetuated here on AVEN as to what makes someone 'sexual')

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Skullery Maid

That is why I believe "desiring sex" is not the same thing as sexual attraction, hence is not a good definition of sexual attraction. Because sexual people clearly feel something immediate towards the people they find attractive but it's *not* "I wanna screw them". It's something else. A pull that we asexuals don't feel. And it's different from aesthetic attraction too.

Is it though? I've watched a group of aces drool over "hot" actors and they sound exactly like any group of sexuals at my college, except they don't desire sex, so sexual acts never get discussed. I've watched my mom, who when I told her about asexuality said "Maybe that's what I am" (and the fact she has never desired sex, finds it boring and prefers to never have it again leads me to think she'd fit that too) buy the wrong album because she was distracted by the hot guy on the cover. What pull beyond what aces can feel do sexuals feel that is this "sexual attraction" (which I have never heard any sexuals give a consensus to). I don't get the going gaga over someone's looks like some aces and some sexuals do, but that's just me... I don't get aesthetic appeal anyway. Beyond "Oh, his eyes are a nice color" but that's like enjoying the color red, not at all the same as "OMG I could stare at that chest all day"...

Yes, this is my impression as well. I've been browsing a lot through these forums and the way some aces here get "hyped" about someone's appearance seems to go beyond what I experience (I care a lot about personality). So then when they go all "But it's just aesthetic attraction, nothing crazy mind-altering like those sexuals experience" I kinda get confused and a little bit irritated. ^^

Ditto this times a million. Whatever this magical pull toward people I'm supposed to feel due to being sexual, I don't feel. At least not based on any kind of physical appearance thing. I really really don't care about physical appearance and I really, really am not asexual. I personally find the attraction definition TERRIBLE because so many asexuals experience this type of attraction that I don't, and yet we're classified in the opposite camps. It's dumb.

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Custos

Just to say thanks for everyone's replies! I guess I was wondering whether people even have immediate sexual interest/thoughts and whatnot, it's interesting to see in most cases aesthetic/other attraction comes first.

If I find someone aesthetically attractive; I agree with a few people on here - I see them as art, think about how their outfit looks on their body form or their piercings/hair/tattoos, their shoes or their eyes. Maybe the way they smile, their teeth. I find muscles impressive and scars interesting, etc.

So it seems as though if sex is on their mind in the first place, if they see someone attractive - they're more likely to make advances in the hope of leading to intercourse? A few times I've had someone grab my ass or try and pull my arm with that kind of grin/look; or just asked me if I want to "spend time with them" (naturally I've never reciprocated) but I was wondering whether they were looking for sex and found me attractive or saw me then started thinking about sex. People are all different I suppose. Sorry about using me as the example there ahaha.

It's also interesting to see how the different sexualities and situations come into play. Thanks again for the information! I'm glad other people have found answers here too! :D

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Hooded_Crow

Can we agree what makes someone sexual is lust towards other people? That is all I've been meaning to say.

It's not quite the same as "desiring sex" because one can desire sex for other reasons than lust.

Am I making sense?

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humantoafault

I can experience strong, gender specific aesthetic attraction. It's not sexually charged nor accompanied by desire. I think for me romantic attraction and aesthetic tend to go together, though...though I don't experience romantic attraction often, and I experience aesthetic pretty often. Just that if I'm romantically attracted, I'm probably aesthetically attracted as well. But I'm getting off topic I guess.

For me, if I find someone attractive, sex is not on my mind. I don't want to get into a relationship just for sex, even if it's something I would eventually want.

I wouldn't say I experience lust.

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Philip027
You yourself have said in the past gay men can call women sexy/hot (correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure I read that in a post of yours but apologies if I am wrong about that).. Gok Wan is always grabbing womens breasts and butts and telling them they are a goddess etc. Does that make him straight? no he is gay as gay. He desires partnered sex with men, not women, but he can still find women damn sexy and says so often.

To me he sounds like a couple things

1) bisexual, mostly on the gay side, but using the whole "gay" thing to get a free pass to do those sorts of things to women

2) rather disgusting tbh

Yeah... it seems more like a personality trait than anything. Some people feel a pull towards a person (in whatever way feels right to them, sexual/sensual/romantic whatever) and some do not. Doesn't seem to be based on orientation.

If we are to agree that orientation is based on attractions (which I am not necessarily saying should be the case; I actually think it doesn't paint the whole picture and various responses in this thread prove this), then it MUST be based on what sorts of "pulls" you feel toward a person. That is the entire meaning of what attraction is.

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Skullery Maid

Can we agree what makes someone sexual is lust towards other people? That is all I've been meaning to say.

It's not quite the same as "desiring sex" because one can desire sex for other reasons than lust.

Am I making sense?

I'm down with this! :D

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Hooded_Crow

Hurray ^^ I wonder if anyone would argue to a definition of asexuality based on an absence of lust towards any gender.

Then again I guess people would start asking what "lust" is and argue about that XD

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Can we agree what makes someone sexual is lust towards other people? That is all I've been meaning to say.

It's not quite the same as "desiring sex" because one can desire sex for other reasons than lust.

Am I making sense?

So a homosexual man only lusts after other men? A bisexual woman lusts after both men and women? An asexual person lusts after no one?

I have to disagree.

Isn't it more accurate to say that a homosexual man desires partnered sex with other men, for sexual pleasure/release? Lust is a particular kind of sexual desire (strong, insatiable etc) and I wouldn't say that all sexual people feel that. Some just enjoy and desire sex with their loved one as an intimate, pleasurable bonding experience, for example. Some just enjoy the way sex feels and so have it with suitable people who are available for sex, because it feels good and can be a mutually beneficial, enjoyable (albeit rather sweaty lol) experience. That isn't exactly lusting after someone else

And I would also say that an asexual can act very lusty when sensually aroused (kissing, touching, very passionate etc) just without any desire or need for that to lead to sex. I would say I can be sensually lusty, just without any desire for actual sex attached (although I do believe I am too sexual currently to identify as asexual, as I would like to have certain sexual acts with my partner if we were both in the mood; for fun, pleasure, bonding etc. I don't care if we never do have them, but would be open to doing them with him definitely, which is not something I have ever felt before, so I believe that I fall somewhere on the grey or maybe demi end of the scale and just hadn't met the right person yet.. won't know for certain until I have actually physically been with him)

You yourself have said in the past gay men can call women sexy/hot (correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure I read that in a post of yours but apologies if I am wrong about that).. Gok Wan is always grabbing womens breasts and butts and telling them they are a goddess etc. Does that make him straight? no he is gay as gay. He desires partnered sex with men, not women, but he can still find women damn sexy and says so often.

To me he sounds like a couple things

1) bisexual, mostly on the gay side, but using the whole "gay" thing to get a free pass to do those sorts of things to women

2) rather disgusting tbh

He is very openly gay. He has also helped many, many women feel much better emotionally about their bodies. Many women love Gok, I know I do. I personally am a little offended at the idea that a gay man cannot love and appreciate a woman's body without being considered Bisexual. He doesn't want sex with women, and has no interest in them sexually, therefore many women feel deeply comfortable and totally accepted by him. You can literally feel that there is no sexual intention behind his actions, just deep appreciation for feminine beauty. I can feel that anyway, and I know many other women can too. I've known heaps of females who say they with they could keep a Gok in their closet to give them compliments when they feel down. lol.

Yeah... it seems more like a personality trait than anything. Some people feel a pull towards a person (in whatever way feels right to them, sexual/sensual/romantic whatever) and some do not. Doesn't seem to be based on orientation.

If we are to agree that orientation is based on attractions (which I am not necessarily saying should be the case; I actually think it doesn't paint the whole picture and various responses in this thread prove this), then it MUST be based on what sorts of "pulls" you feel toward a person. That is the entire meaning of what attraction is.

Serran was saying that people can feel an aesthetic pull regardless of orientation, not based on orientation or as a defining factor for it. And in the case of sexual attraction, the pull would be desiring sexual contact with another person. That's the pull.. the pull to connect with another person sexually for the purpose of sexual pleasure/release, for differing reasons depending on the people involved. Some as a bonding experience with the person they love, some just for pleasure, some because they find the other person attractive and that the only reason they want sex with them, there are all sorts of reasons. It's the wanting to have sexual contact with another person that is the pull, regardless of whether or not there is a specific target for the pull. If the pull wasn't there, one would just masturbate and go to sleep or whatever, and never think about having another person there to share that sexual release with.

(EDIT: or we could just get rid of the term 'sexual attraction' all together, as it's so open to misinterpretation, and just use the term 'innate desire for partnered sex' instead. A desire to connect with others sexually, under certain circumstances, for sexual pleasure/release.)

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Hooded_Crow

Hurray ^^ I wonder if anyone would argue to a definition of asexuality based on an absence of lust towards any gender.

Then again I guess people would start asking what "lust" is and argue about that XD

Also now I don't wonder anymore >_>

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*a*rteest
Just as an asexual can love breasts, but still be asexual. The difference between an asexual and Gok Wan, is the asexual does not desire partnered sex (for sexual pleasure/release) with anyone, whereas Gok Wan only desires partnered sex with men.

EDIT: Just to summarize, An asexual man who loves breasts would feel exactly the same as Gok Wan does when groping a woman's breasts. He may love the way the breasts look and feel, may even romantically love the woman attached to them, but there is just no desire to ''get off'' with the woman. Only difference is an asexual man also has no desire to 'get off' with other men either, for any reason - love, aesthetic attraction, good old 'raw carnal lust' haha... An asexual person just does not desire partnered sex for sexual pleasure/release under any circumstances, regardless of any other factors involved. Whereas a sexual person, for different reasons under all sorts of different circumstances depending on the person, does desire partnered sex for pleasure/release. It's the desire to have partnered sex with another person that is the key here. It has nothing to do with this 'magical feeling' that apparently only sexual people get, when they look at attractive strangers (which seems to be the main incorrect but persisting idea perpetuated here on AVEN as to what makes someone 'sexual')

I agree. I've noticed I've been consistently drawn to men with VERY long black hair (think Khal Drogo in the Game of Thrones book..one thing that stood out in the book version after me thinking about it is the constant description of Drogo's beautiful long black hair...and it wore me down i think! LOL). I might want to run it through my fingers because it's beautiful but THAT's where it stops. I don't want sex. EEEw, I don't know where you've been!

To contrast....I have a **female** coworker with very pretty long black hair but it is NOT the same. It is very pretty! But I'm not drawn to it in the same way. it's more like a "darn I wish I can grow mine that long so i can do cool stuff with it!"

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Skullery Maid

Also now I don't wonder anymore >_>

:lol:

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Also now I don't wonder anymore >_>

Lust is just a certain very strong type of sexual desire. It is not the direction of someone's lust that makes up ones entire sexual orientation. It is the gender/s of the people one desires partnered sex with.

Back to the attraction thing: Would gay people have been beaten to death just for finding people of the same gender attractive? It's the fact that they desire and have sex with people of the same gender that has caused them so many issues. Would you have sex with someone at the risk of being beaten to death, just because you have a certain special feeling about the way that person looks? no. It's the innate, undeniable desire to be sexual with another human being (of a specific gender/s) that is the driving force in defining sexual orientation,this however is not 'lust' unless the person themselves is specifically lusty in their sexual desire. Lust is just a type of sexual desire that not all sexual people feel/exhibit. Lust is not the desire for partnered sex with people of a certain gender/s. Lust is just the way some people express that desire.

This is starting to sound unnervingly like another topic I would rather forget, in which a self-confessed 'hypersexual asexual' described themselves as a 'perpetual virgin' because they desire and have sex for more natural, pure reasons than 'lusty sexuals'. As they personally only desire sex as a pleasurable, intimate act as opposed to a 'lustful' act, they are asexual, virginal, and separate from sexuals who have sex for less pure reasons like lust for anothers appearance.

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Philip027
Isn't it more accurate to say that a homosexual man desires partnered sex with other men, for sexual pleasure/release? Lust is a particular kind of sexual desire (strong, insatiable etc) and I wouldn't say that all sexual people feel that. Some just enjoy and desire sex with their loved one as an intimate, pleasurable bonding experience, for example. Some just enjoy the way sex feels and so have it with suitable people who are available for sex, because it feels good and can be a mutually beneficial, enjoyable (albeit rather sweaty lol) experience. That isn't exactly lusting after someone else

I think that's kind of the point. It's like saying asexual people can still enjoy sexual activity, even though lust is not something they would experience.

It's hard to say exactly how I would define lust (due to the fact I'm pretty sure it's something I've never experienced) but generally speaking I would consider that a form of sexual attraction, and therefore if you experience that toward any other particular person, that indicates you as not entirely asexual. I'm sure that'll potentially be argued against, but that is how I've interpreted the term.

He is very openly gay. He has also helped many, many women feel much better emotionally about their bodies. Many women love Gok, I know I do. I personally am a little offended at the idea that a gay man cannot love and appreciate a woman's body without being considered Bisexual. He doesn't want sex with women, and has no interest in them sexually, therefore many women feel deeply comfortable and totally accepted by him. You can literally feel that there is no sexual intention behind his actions, just deep appreciation for feminine beauty. I can feel that anyway, and I know many other women can too. I've known heaps of females who say they with they could keep a Gok in their closet to give them compliments when they feel down. lol.

I'm just saying how he comes across to me, because personally, I've ran into a lot of people (all guys, but not saying females who do this don't exist) who do exactly the same sort of thing, and I subsequently have a hard time believing they are simply gay.

For me there is a line between "loving and appreciating a woman's body" and being extremely flamboyant about it and being all like "look at me, I'm GAY so I can do these things to women and not have anyone suspect a thing!" and this guy crossed that line for me, big time. I became rather aware of these sorts of people since way back in high school, where you would have guys doing this sort of thing as a means to try to weasel their way into the girls' locker rooms and such. It was clear to anyone with a brain that they were being rather *fake* about it.

To me, the only difference between this guy and the sort of people I describe is the fact he actually backs up his claims of being gay (at least, supposedly; I know nothing of the guy beyond what has been presented in this topic) which is why I indicated bisexual instead of straight. Still doesn't make the behavior any less creepy to me, though.

I mean, even in that picture that you posted -- if you asked me to describe the guy in one word without knowing any other sort of context, I would have said "predator." And honestly, even after knowing the context, that's still the word I would use.

Serran was saying that people can feel an aesthetic pull regardless of orientation, not based on orientation or as a defining factor for it.

She didn't mention aesthetic though; she mentioned all kinds. Discerning between these kinds is important, imo.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Remember that Lust is always listed as one of the 7 deadly sins, so anyone going around saying ''an asexual is someone who does not experience lust'' is going to sound instantly like they are trying to say that asexuals are more pure than sexual people as they do not experience lust, even though they can still desire sex for sexual pleasure/as a bonding experience etc, they just desire that sexual release for reasons other than lust, so they are pure. I get that that's not exactly what you meant Crow (well, you meant everything minus the 'pure' part) but defining asexuality as a lack of lust would only ever hurt visibility and education efforts, even if it was correct (and I already explained why I believe it isn't correct)

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Skullery Maid

Mmhmmm... Pan, that's an excellent point. Lots of people (not me!) hate the word lust.

I don't take exception with the whole "being drawn to someone" thing... I take exception to it being 1) based on appearance, and 2) it happening immediately.

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Philip027

Remember that Lust is always listed as one of the 7 deadly sins, so anyone going around saying ''an asexual is someone who does not experience lust'' is going to sound instantly like they are trying to say that asexuals are more pure than sexual people as they do not experience lust

Some people already think that about asexuals even without the term "lust" ever being brought up.

Always wrote that off as a "well, that sounds like your problem and not mine" sort of thing, aka jealousy.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I think that's kind of the point. It's like saying asexual people can still enjoy sexual activity, even though lust is not something they would experience.

Not all sexual people experience/express 'lust' though.

Spoiler for TMI sex content

Even my ex, who was hypersexual, was certainly never lusty. He would just fuck anyone who would have him, there was no 'lusting' after them or acting lusty or anything, no thinking about them and getting all horny etc. If a female expressed wanting to have sex with him, he wouldn't really even act excited or anything. he'd just bend her over once they were alone, fuck her, and that's that (quite literally, even though I know how bad that sounds. He would sometimes give oral, but only because he says it makes her more 'wet' so easier to fuck)

And some just enjoy sex as a loving, bonding experience shared between partners, that isn't exactly 'lusty' either (though for different reasons than the reasons my ex was never 'lusty'). I am not saying there is anything wrong with lust (I would say I myself can be very lusty) just saying not all sexual people experience and/or express it.

Or are we saying that a great many more people than previously assumed are asexual, as anyone who does not feel/experience lust is asexual, regardless of any other factors (like whether or not they desire sex for sexual pleasure, etc)? Because if that was the case I am sure there would be a great many less complaints from sexual partners on this website, if their only sexual issue in their mixed relationship was that their partner isn't as 'lusty' in the bedroom as they would like:

''My asexual wife does desire sex with me, and she feels that sex is an enjoyable, pleasurable bonding experience when we do have it, which is about 3 times a week, we are very happy in that sense. She just doesn't lust after me, and my god, it's tearing me apart inside.. how can I make her more sexually lusty? please help :c''

EDIT: I wrote this ages ago, but there was an SQL error so it didn't post.

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Skullery Maid

''My asexual wife does desire sex with me, and she feels that sex is an enjoyable, pleasurable bonding experience when we do have it, which is about 3 times a week, we are very happy in that sense. She just doesn't lust after me, and my god, it's tearing me apart inside.. how can I make her more sexually lusty? please help :c''

He means passion. That's not really what we're talking about. Some people are more passionate than others, and I honestly don't think that's an Asexual vs Sexual thing. It's not like there's not boring milquetoasty sexuals and feisty asexuals.

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