Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Custos

Sexuals - Initial Attraction Thoughts?

Recommended Posts

humantoafault

Yeah, and I think some of the labels that are often quoted as "being on the spectrum" are actually the different ways sexuals might experience things.

Like, the term "recipsexual". This is one I've seen others say that falls into the gray area, but I think it falls onto the sexual side. I don't think it's an orientation either, but it does describe something people experience. For me, it sounds like what I may experience. I can't imagine sleeping with a stranger or anyone I'm not committed to, I don't get why people would even want to cheat on their partner, at all. I seem to be less sexual and less romantic than probably a good deal of people, but I still seem to fall on the sexual and romantic sides.

Unless we want to say that only highly sexual sexuals are actually sexual and most or a large portion of people are gray-a...

As I understand asexuality as (let's just roll with Mysticus' definition) the complete absence of directed sexual desire, I don't consider gray-a's to be asexual in general. It's obviously a related phenomenon and has a place on this site (just as much as I have a place on this site despite being sexual), but it's just not really asexuality in itself, and calling it "asexuality spectrum" irks me a bit for that reason.

Fair point. Like, demisexuals are definitely a thing and definitely in the gray area, but I wouldn't say a demisexual is asexual....they are effectively asexual outside of close relationships, yes, but do not fit the definition otherwise.

If I'm understanding things right, the gray area came about because people who identified as ace but later on opened up to sexuality more and discovered they're not as asexual as they thought.

But I do think people are too quick to declare something gray-a....I mean, to be considered fully sexual, it's like some on here and on tumblr think you have to be willing, or at least be tempted, to have sex with anyone at any time or something, and I think that a good deal of the population would not fit that definition.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
El-not-so-ace

I've been reading this thread and trying to seriously evaluate myself to see where I fit. To be honest, I am similar to my friends in terms of finding some people attractive but if given the option, I'd rather not sleep with them even if I'd date them. I've always been very cautious and a bit anxious so I didn't date because I felt like I didn't want to potentially sleep with them, while they would.

For the sexuals here, do you think your answers would change for attraction before actually having done the deed?

I never look at people and think about how they'd be in bed, but then again, I haven't done that before so how am I supposed to want or think about that? :P It's just that recently, I think a demi might suit me after all... But what if I'd be an allo with a very low drive and with anxiety instead? :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
humantoafault

If you'd prefer not to "sleep with" them, that makes you ace. If there are exceptions to this rule, you could still fall in the gray area.

A question I asked myself was "would or could I be in a long term relationship potentially leading to marriage where it'd be understood that it'd be sexless?" And for me the answer is no, I wouldn't really want that. So I concluded I'm not ace.

I've never slept with anybody so I don't know if I can answer the question.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
El-not-so-ace

@ humantoafault: By that definition I think I'd be an ace for sure! :P

But from the earlier posts, some people said that asexuals don't have any sexual attraction and that if they do, they're not an ace... I guess I'm just a little more confused than clear after reading the first couple pages. :P What if I have attraction without knowing what it is? One person wrote that they might imagine someone they like naked. I just basically don't like naked bodies aesthetically in general even "perfect ones", so I can't use the absence of that thought as a way to try and determine where I sit.

Sorry, I might sound confusing now. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Elena - I think that you even having to ask these questions is a massive indicator you might not be sexual. Sexuals just don't think about this stuff as a problem, unprompted. We've seen sex scenes, and we have our own compulsions and imagination. It's instinctual. It doesn't sound helpful, but you'd know if you felt sexually attracted to someone. It's a lot simpler than the endless AVEN analysis by people who've never felt it would indicate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
humantoafault

@ humantoafault: By that definition I think I'd be an ace for sure! :P

But from the earlier posts, some people said that asexuals don't have any sexual attraction and that if they do, they're not an ace... I guess I'm just a little more confused than clear after reading the first couple pages. :P What if I have attraction without knowing what it is? One person wrote that they might imagine someone they like naked. I just basically don't like naked bodies aesthetically in general even "perfect ones", so I can't use the absence of that thought as a way to try and determine where I sit.

Sorry, I might sound confusing now. :(

I think attraction can manifest in different ways is all. Like rather than those indicators being attraction they are a result of it, and not everyone experiences it in the same way.

Like if attraction were "do you find others sexy", ie look at them and think you'd like to have sex with them specifically, I've never experienced that, not even to guys I crushed on or thought looked especially nice. Some people DO experience that, but I don't.

But that isn't attraction itself, rather a result of it.

Perhaps it is best to define attraction the way @Panficto does--the desire for partnered sex in general.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Herfst Seizoen

But that isn't attraction itself, rather a result of it.

I think so too. :3 And now I'm gonna shut up, since I never actually experienced the attraction. xD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

it's fascinating the way forum posters are keen to offer opinions on everything. One day I'm going to start posting on a rocket science forum, preface everything I say with 'well I'm not a rocket scientist, have never built a rocket and find ballistics repulsive, but here's what I think anyway...' and see how that goes. ☺

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
El-not-so-ace

I definitely see your points! :o

To add something though, I've had a lot of bad feelings, fears and some repulsion about those topics for as long as I remember. Also some very low levels of self-confidence and body image. I studied psychology, so I'm wondering if all of that anxiety and lack of self-confidence among other things is what might be clouding the feelings. I would love to settle to be an ace like I've done for the past year, but a crush seriously made me question myself again. -_- There needs to be a face-palming emoticon, haha.

Edit: I guess what I feel now compared to even a month ago is that, if I'd be with someone who had those needs, I'd say: heck, why not see how it works. :P I'll see how the feelings play out over time of course, but I'm really thinking that my fear and thought process was seriously affecting me even if I was happy to be calm and hormone-free.

it's fascinating the way forum posters are keen to offer opinions on everything. One day I'm going to start posting on a rocket science forum, preface everything I say with 'well I'm not a rocket scientist, have never built a rocket and find ballistics repulsive, but here's what I think anyway...' and see how that goes. ☺

That's what makes this all great for me! ^_^ I can't really discuss much with family or friends so having so many different people's opinions helps me think and bounce these confusing ideas off of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FaerieFate

Sexual attraction as the defining factor for sexual orientation is the innate desire for partnered sex with other people of a certain gender/s. It's that innate desire (the desire to connect sexually with other people) that makes people ''sexual'' as opposed to ''asexual'' and sexual people have that desire for all sorts of different reasons, usually having nothing to do with seeing an attractive stranger in public. Maybe they desire partnered sex with their partner when in love, maybe they just love the way partnered sex feels and that's why they desire it with other people, maybe they just desire a deep connection with certain other people and obtain that through sex. It's not always (not even often) about appearance either, sexual people can be attracted to a persons personality, their mannerisms, attracted just because they are in love with that person. There are all sorts of reasons someone can desire partnered sexual activity with another person for sexual/emotional satisfaction.

Seeing people and finding them attractive is not sexual attraction, that is aesthetic attraction, which most asexual people are just as capable of experiencing to the same extent that sexual people do (and there are some sexual people who do not experience aesthetic attraction as well).

It seems to be a generally accepted idea on AVEN that sexual people look at random strangers on the street and get sexy thoughts about them, and want sex with them or become sexually aroused or whatever, and that's what makes them sexual. This just is not true. Sure some sexual people will react that way to the site of attractive strangers, though certainly not all. However all sexual people desire partnered sexual activity (under certain circumstances, not all the time, and some more than others) as a deeply intimate bonding experience (for some), some desire it for pleasure, some for companionship, some for fun. The reasons are endless. But what all sexual people have in common is that innate desire for partnered sex, and being unhappy (some moreso than others) at the idea of having to go without partnered sex for long periods of time/at times when they are desiring sex (ie if they are in love with a partner and desire to have an intimate sexual connection with that person as an expression of their love, but the other person is asexual and wants no sex at all ever. The sexual person will be hurt/unhappy as they are desiring the sex but being denied it. Some are perfectly capable of remaining in the relationship despite having no sex, some cannot remain in such a relationship or if they do they are deeply unhappy and feel as though they are being torn to shreds they are in so much emotional turmoil... Totally just depends on the person. But all will feel some level of unhappiness at not being able to have the intimate sexual connection that they are desiring. That's just one example)

As someone who never experienced sexual attraction in almost 27 (never felt the type of attraction that made me want to connect with someone on a sexual level) and now who has experienced it, I can say it feels like a strong pull, a desire inside you that may not even involve genital arousal, to connect sexually with another person for fun and for emotional/physical pleasure etc. It's not about another persons looks for me (although I do think my partner, who I desire sex with, is aesthetically attractive) it's just about the bonding experience of the sex itself. Of sharing something fun and deeply intimate with a close friend. Being able to be kinky and just do anything to/with each others bodies, and the bonding experience of that trust, of giving yourself over to the other for pleasure and intimacy. It's as emotionally pleasurable, moreso even, than it is physically pleasurable. That's how sexual attraction feels for me and my partner.

I'm gonna necropost this thread because I want to reply to this. namely this part...

It seems to be a generally accepted idea on AVEN that sexual people look at random strangers on the street and get sexy thoughts about them, and want sex with them or become sexually aroused or whatever, and that's what makes them sexual.

This thought it mostly brought about (in my honest opinion) by how society treats women. Now, I don't mean how everyone treats all the women. I just mean how society treats women in general. If a woman wears clothes that are too revealing, society acts like she's asking for sex. Then they act as if men just can't help themselves and react to that. Just the sight of that skit an inch above the knee drives them crazy and they can't control themselves! Oh my gosh! That girl as showing her shoulders or stomach at school! How ever shall the boys concentrate! As if just the sight of a little skin drives turns people on and then they all want the sex. When that's just not the case. This thought process that a guy can see a girl on the street and then just can't control himself is largely what leads asexuals to believe sexual attraction is juse seeing someone and wanting sex. Because society thinks that this happens just all of the time. There's thousands of myths about how often guys think about sex (Every seven seconds being the one I heard). Which is very demeaning and implying guys can't have standards and they'll bang anything that moves.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Emery.
This thought it mostly brought about (in my honest opinion) by how society treats women. Now, I don't mean how everyone treats all the women. I just mean how society treats women in general. If a woman wears clothes that are too revealing, society acts like she's asking for sex. Then they act as if men just can't help themselves and react to that. Just the sight of that skit an inch above the knee drives them crazy and they can't control themselves! Oh my gosh! That girl as showing her shoulders or stomach at school! How ever shall the boys concentrate! As if just the sight of a little skin drives turns people on and then they all want the sex. When that's just not the case. This thought process that a guy can see a girl on the street and then just can't control himself is largely what leads asexuals to believe sexual attraction is juse seeing someone and wanting sex. Because society thinks that this happens just all of the time. There's thousands of myths about how often guys think about sex (Every seven seconds being the one I heard). Which is very demeaning and implying guys can't have standards and they'll bang anything that moves.

*sigh* No. It's not about treating women in a deregatory way. You just can't help the thoughts. You can't throw it out from your head, even if you want to. It keeps on coming back in a very annyoing manner. Basically, what you do with the thoughts is the deal, then. Men are being stared at in exactly the same way, but less frequently, because guys in general have a greater libido and are for the most part straight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

I just want to say I find it hilarious that "Teagz" went thru the bother of blanking out nearly every post they've made in this thread when almost every single one was quoted by another user anyway. I wish I had that much free time in my life to not own up to what I post online. Wait, no I don't wish that.

it's fascinating the way forum posters are keen to offer opinions on everything.


It's fascinating the way you think this sort of behavior is limited to internet forums

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Friendly reminder to keep things civil.It would be a shame if i would have to lock such an interesting topic because people cant behave in appropriate manner when discussing things.

Jayce

Sexual Partners Friends and Allies moderator

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Sexual attraction as the defining factor for sexual orientation is the innate desire for partnered sex with other people of a certain gender/s. It's that innate desire (the desire to connect sexually with other people) that makes people ''sexual'' as opposed to ''asexual'' and sexual people have that desire for all sorts of different reasons, usually having nothing to do with seeing an attractive stranger in public. Maybe they desire partnered sex with their partner when in love, maybe they just love the way partnered sex feels and that's why they desire it with other people, maybe they just desire a deep connection with certain other people and obtain that through sex. It's not always (not even often) about appearance either, sexual people can be attracted to a persons personality, their mannerisms, attracted just because they are in love with that person. There are all sorts of reasons someone can desire partnered sexual activity with another person for sexual/emotional satisfaction.

Seeing people and finding them attractive is not sexual attraction, that is aesthetic attraction, which most asexual people are just as capable of experiencing to the same extent that sexual people do (and there are some sexual people who do not experience aesthetic attraction as well).

It seems to be a generally accepted idea on AVEN that sexual people look at random strangers on the street and get sexy thoughts about them, and want sex with them or become sexually aroused or whatever, and that's what makes them sexual. This just is not true. Sure some sexual people will react that way to the site of attractive strangers, though certainly not all. However all sexual people desire partnered sexual activity (under certain circumstances, not all the time, and some more than others) as a deeply intimate bonding experience (for some), some desire it for pleasure, some for companionship, some for fun. The reasons are endless. But what all sexual people have in common is that innate desire for partnered sex, and being unhappy (some moreso than others) at the idea of having to go without partnered sex for long periods of time/at times when they are desiring sex (ie if they are in love with a partner and desire to have an intimate sexual connection with that person as an expression of their love, but the other person is asexual and wants no sex at all ever. The sexual person will be hurt/unhappy as they are desiring the sex but being denied it. Some are perfectly capable of remaining in the relationship despite having no sex, some cannot remain in such a relationship or if they do they are deeply unhappy and feel as though they are being torn to shreds they are in so much emotional turmoil... Totally just depends on the person. But all will feel some level of unhappiness at not being able to have the intimate sexual connection that they are desiring. That's just one example)

As someone who never experienced sexual attraction in almost 27 (never felt the type of attraction that made me want to connect with someone on a sexual level) and now who has experienced it, I can say it feels like a strong pull, a desire inside you that may not even involve genital arousal, to connect sexually with another person for fun and for emotional/physical pleasure etc. It's not about another persons looks for me (although I do think my partner, who I desire sex with, is aesthetically attractive) it's just about the bonding experience of the sex itself. Of sharing something fun and deeply intimate with a close friend. Being able to be kinky and just do anything to/with each others bodies, and the bonding experience of that trust, of giving yourself over to the other for pleasure and intimacy. It's as emotionally pleasurable, moreso even, than it is physically pleasurable. That's how sexual attraction feels for me and my partner.

I'm gonna necropost this thread because I want to reply to this. namely this part...

It seems to be a generally accepted idea on AVEN that sexual people look at random strangers on the street and get sexy thoughts about them, and want sex with them or become sexually aroused or whatever, and that's what makes them sexual

This thought it mostly brought about (in my honest opinion) by how society treats women. Now, I don't mean how everyone treats all the women. I just mean how society treats women in general. If a woman wears clothes that are too revealing, society acts like she's asking for sex. Then they act as if men just can't help themselves and react to that. Just the sight of that skit an inch above the knee drives them crazy and they can't control themselves! Oh my gosh! That girl as showing her shoulders or stomach at school! How ever shall the boys concentrate! As if just the sight of a little skin drives turns people on and then they all want the sex. When that's just not the case. This thought process that a guy can see a girl on the street and then just can't control himself is largely what leads asexuals to believe sexual attraction is juse seeing someone and wanting sex. Because society thinks that this happens just all of the time. There's thousands of myths about how often guys think about sex (Every seven seconds being the one I heard). Which is very demeaning and implying guys can't have standards and they'll bang anything that moves.

Well that post was from almost a year ago. I have learned a lot since then and my opinions and definitions are much clearer and more accurate now (because since then I have spent a lot more time talking with and reading posts by sexuals here) ...I no longer go by AVENs definition of ''sexual attraction being the desire for partnered sex'' ..but I do define asexuality and sexuality by the desire for partnered sex. I know now that the 'attraction' just isn't important.

When I first came to AVEN, I was (almost) just as clueless as many other newbies about all this. I just knew I didn't desire or enjoy partnered sex, and that caused me a shitload of pain in my lifetime. It's only because I have spent so much time posting and commenting here and actively engaging with so many knowledgeable members (and reflecting on my own life experience) that I now know as much as I do. It's still a little frustrating when people quote things that I wrote a year ago just because I've learned so much more now and know how to express things better, and understand better which words apply to which experiences. I do see your comment was from Feb this year, but I only just noticed it for some reason.

All that aside, what makes someone sexual is the fact that they innately desire partnered sex with other people (for sexual and/or emotional pleasure) under some circumstances. Regardless of how AVEN (and the ace community in general) developed the idea that ''what makes someone sexual is the fact that they get aroused by other people and want to have sex with them as a result of that'', it's still incorrect. Sure some sexual people experience that, but not all do. And even those that do experience that don't generally base their entire sexual orientation around that.

Anyway I'm not keen on thread necromancy (for multiple reasons) but wanted to reply to point out that I have a better understanding now of sexual attraction vs. the desire for partnered sex.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest 80814

I just want to say I find it hilarious that "Teagz" went thru the bother of blanking out nearly every post they've made in this thread when almost every single one was quoted by another user anyway. I wish I had that much free time in my life to not own up to what I post online. Wait, no I don't wish that.

But apparently you've got plenty time to whine and bitch about something that makes absolutely zero difference to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
But apparently you've got plenty time to whine and bitch about something that makes absolutely zero difference to you.

I always have time for humorous things.

You're reading (and imagining) way too much into my post if what you saw was whining or bitching, unfortunately

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Locking this thread for 24 hours cooling down period.Consider this a "play nice" post.Please remain civil in your responses.We encourage you to step away from a thread should you feel frustration, and to avoid posting if there are posters present with whom you strongly disagree.The OP has been contacted.

Jayce

Sexual Partners Friends and Allies moderator

Edit:

Topic is unlocked now.Please try to remain civil in your responses, failure to adhere will result in this topic being locked permanently

Thank you.

Jayce

Sexual Partners Friends and Allies moderator.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HighDrive

Sexual attraction is not initially a rational thought.

Some alos may not always have sex on the mind. However I do. Being a cis male, when I see a woman, any woman, my brain scans immediately and automatically for sexual characteristics. It "what do I like about her".

May be the body, the eyes, the way they talk, etc. This is, they may not physically be my type but my brain still finds something to focus on. (Bad attitude is the "off switch"). And yes, after the scan there is something like "I'd do her" kind of thought.

Only after that, there will be rational thoughts imposing my bias when evaluating the "would I really do her?"

Note: even though my brain works like that, that doesn't mean I behave like a dog in heat. I'm shy and respectful to a fault. Maybe overcompensating.

I'll add that, because other males brain may work like mine, it is very important that the concept of respect is reinforced through education. At home, school, Human Resources at work.

That primitive reaction of the male brain should not impose norms on how should a woman behave.

A woman should be able to wear whatever she wants, revealing or not. I couldn't relate to male classmates in highschool for whom there were two kinds of women: dress sexy= whore; Dress modest:frigid. Unfortunately that kind of social thinking goes into adulthood.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tarfeather

Sexual attraction is not initially a rational thought.

Some alos may not always have sex on the mind. However I do. Being a cis male, when I see a woman, any woman, my brain scans immediately and automatically for sexual characteristics. It "what do I like about her".

May be the body, the eyes, the way they talk, etc. This is, they may not physically be my type but my brain still finds something to focus on. (Bad attitude is the "off switch"). And yes, after the scan there is something like "I'd do her" kind of thought.

Only after that, there will be rational thoughts imposing my bias when evaluating the "would I really do her?"

Note: even though my brain works like that, that doesn't mean I behave like a dog in heat. I'm shy and respectful to a fault. Maybe overcompensating.

Well said. Personally, I *thought* that's how it works for me, but it's not. We've been so taught that any kind of desire for a woman instantly means you want to have sex with her. Being on AVEN, I learned to distinguish more, and I realized that those instincts I interpreted to be "want to have sex", in reality were more things like "want to touch her skin" etc. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, that would probably lead to sex, however I think it's important to note for asexuals that we don't instinctively desire to rub our genitals on the spot with every attractive person we see.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HighDrive

And I keep comparing sex with food because i think hunger is something most aces can relate to.

Please note that this comment is not about objectifying but about drawing parallels.

If you see food your brain immediately process the desirability. If it is a well presented and apetizing dish you may feel stronger about wanting to eat it. However, well adjusted people people wouldn't break in into a house to eat what they consider a delicious dish.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TiffanyJung

Now I'm a bit confused.....See personally for me romantic and sexual(If it is sexual) attraction seem to go together. If I have a crush on someone there's always this image of us ....um I'm sure that you get the picture, that pops up .

But very rarely do I actually feel the need to have sex with a stranger just to satisfy myself...It's not that I don't but it's only when I've been seriously aroused.....

I guess this whole thing is just confusing... Does this make me demisexual? Or am I heterosexual?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TiffanyJung

First of all I'll admit that "sexual attraction" is the explanation for everything that doesn't make sense to me in regard to people, who like to behave sexually ("sexuals").

Whenever I see, hear about, get approached by sexual behavior, I will think "Why would they do that?". And ever since I came across AVEN the answer would be "This person feels sexual attraction.". This way I am able to accept that some people act in a way that seems alien to me and respect this difference instead of shying away from it.

However people are complicated. As far as I see it, for many, sexual or not, their different feelings of attraction (aesthetic, sexual, platonic even, ...) are interconnected. And that's "normal". As Tarfeather said:

To me it's much more important that when I look at an attractive person, a whole range of feelings is kicked off. In other words, the part of my "sexual orientation" that actually matters to me, I could still experience if I were "asexual" by the "doesn't desire sex" definition.

I believe that sexual people are not able to only feel "sexual attraction", as a feeling which is completely isolate from other forms of attractions.

Also, some of us have mentioned, that AVENites use definitions for sexuality, without asking whether sexual people agree with it. This is rather true, but only because there are so few sexual people who discuss the topic of sexuality with us. I don't mean to criticize. All I'm saying is, most don't even know that asexuality exists and thus, they never think about what makes them sexual exactly.

About the "innate desire for partnered sex": It does sound good and it might be a good description for sexuality. However there is a theory that sexual orientation is fluid. So, as long as biology experts don't confirm that the orientation is indeed innate, we will not be able to use this defintion.

That's fine if everyone else is cool with that, as long as those same people also stop bitching about wanting asexuality to be recognized as a legitimate sexual orientation. Pretty much Asexuality would just be the official label people use when they are confused about their sexual orientation, in between sexual orientations, or whatever.. NOT an actual sexual orientation in and of itself. Those same people also need to accept that they have totally illegitimized the experience of the people who literally do not innately desire partnered sex with people of any gender, ever

This.

It's... kind of mind blowing. We've got people who just use a different set of terms to call themselves "asexual", despite these terms being mirror images of sexual ones. If you're drawn to beautiful women and want to be close to them, that's not fucking different from what sexuals experience and to call it "aesthetic attraction" is... I just can't even. Give it another year and there will be terms for Asexual sex... instead of "sex" it'll be "snix", and if you have snix you're Asexual. You can tell you're having snix because you just "know" you feel different from sexuals.

Just you wait.

I can see it coming already. xD

@Tar...

I can honestly say that I've never used or understood "sexual orientation" as anything else than the answer to the question "who do you want to have sex with?", which is exactly why I've always been aware that I'm neither straight nor gay nor bi, even though I lacked a fitting label for what I am instead. And I've used the term s.o. in this sense far longer than I've been on AVEN - a good deal over two decades longer, as I've only found AVEN at 38 years of age. I have never seen any reason to suspect that other people use that term in any other way than I do - except when I entered AVEN (US AVEN, specifically; German AVEN's Verlangen-based definition was extremely simple to understand, and fit right in with my understanding of all other orientations), where it all gets muddied up with that vague concept of "sexual attraction" (which doesn't really get used much in the real world, IME, and surely not to define sexual orientations).

I honestly think most people see their sexual orientation as describing who they want to f**k, and nothing else than that. What makes you think most folks define it otherwise? Your experience really doesn't sound like a common description of heterosexuality, to me... I think it's a pretty fringe/exotic one (I trust we know each other well enough that you won't take that word as offensive :cake: ), and yeah, it sounds more and more like your experience is something I'd probably call grayce, the more you describe it. :mellow::wacko:

And yes, I would indeed say that everyone who (consistently) doesn't desire partnered sex is asexual... and I don't get why you seem to consider that statement problematic.

I agree with this.

The problem with the definition of 'Sexual Attraction' most AVENites use seems to imply that most sexuals see any attractive person and go 'Oh I want to have sex with him/her' It simply doesn't work like that.We too can find people beautiful, handsome, cute , pretty etc without wanting sex with them. This 'fact' that 'We want to have sex with anyone we find physically pleasing to the eye' is a misconception and a very dangerous one at that.

It makes a lot of people confused and afraid , and it's just not

I'm fairly sure that I'm heterosexual, which I thought meant who I was romantically inclined towards not who I wanted to have sex with and trust me I don't go about thinking of having sex with every guy I meet.

I think Pan's definition for asexuality is the best : Not having an innate desire for partnered sex. ( It's actually thanks to this definition that I realized that I'm not asexual, hyposexual maybe but definitely not asexual).

And we really experience romantic attraction the same way romantic asexuals do :Heart pounding, butterflies in the stomach ,palms sweating, wide eyes, wanting them to notice us.....It's a whole range of feelings, not just one. We may or may not find them physically attractive , but we can fall in love with their sense of humour, the way that they care about others, their personality, the way that they interact with others.The passion that they show while talking about something....

Most sexuals that I know don't just focus on their physical appearance(Until and unless they're that shallow) , they focus on personality as well.

In fact sex is only a miniscule part of a relationship. My parents for that matter probably haven't had sex after I was conceived....though that is probably due to societal and cultural upbringing. But still they've stuck it out for so long. Physical intimacy (As in sexual intimacy)shouldn't be a defining feature for a relationship.

So what I'm trying to say really is that romantic, sexual and physical attraction(As in finding a person's features attractive) are often tied together. Some of us experience them all together, some only two, some only one and others none.

It's really more complex than just saying that sexual people want to have sex with everyone they find attractive or asexual people saying that we don't experience sexual attraction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TiffanyJung

I think having a specific definition in itself is sort of troubling. Because people are so apt to change. People who don't desire sex right now can identify as asexual(By that definition I come under the banner of asexuality because right now I really don't care about sex but I'm not. I'm sexual because in the future I do want it), people who don't desire a relationship right now can identify as aros whereas really aros don't want to be in a relationship ever because they find it too constraining and don't like romantic gestures.

But really some romantics also are touch averse(I used to be), don't desire their partner to get them gifts and don't like candlelit dinners because of various reasons . So where does this stop? We could run around in circles and yet never come to an agreement because this is something so subjective.

I mean everyone has their own definitions for physically attractive, sexually attractive and romantic attraction. There really is never going to be consensus on this .

But if you really do want to define asexuality and aromanticism then this might help :

Asexuality: Someone who doesn't desire partnered sex ever. Not now, not later in life. It's probably not the best one but it's the best I can come up with.

Aromanticism: Just substitute partnered sex with a romantic relationship, and add someone who doesn't get crushes ever which again is a terribly broad definition but it's hard.

I don't know whether these will work.In fact I'm pretty sure that they won't.

But that's the problem with labels. If you use a label people are going to size you up based on that.

I know what I am. You know what you are. Why on earth do you need a label when in the end it's just going to create problems for all of humanity?

Lithromanticism, Frayromantic, Grey and even Demi romantic are all people who are part of romantics. Same with Grey and Demi Sexuals. They're still sexuals.

I think that I agree with the thinking Aro. Asexual and Aromantic can't and shouldn't be used as umbrella terms. It's creating problems.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TiffanyJung

It's the fact that these IDEAS are so well accepted and we are supposed to just blindly take them on faith too. The people, a lot of the time, are just regurgitating what they've heard "All sexuals find people hot from across the room and just wanna jump their bones right then and there, I don't feel that, so I must be asexual". It's not really their fault. But, that idea being popular, is offensive to a lot of sexuals and honestly that being the only definition and us who don't agree with it being told we aren't ace is offensive to us. So, you're seeing a bit of anger at the IDEAS, more so than the people.

The idea that sexual people want to have sex with every attractive person they see threw me off for a bit too.It's precisely why I started questioning my sexuality but thanks to Pan's definition I know that I'm sexual.

I think the real question should be for those who are and aren't in relationships : Would I be physically intimate( Not kisses and cuddles and hugs) with this person in the long run? If the answer is yes, You are sexual. If it's no, then you're asexual.

As simple as that. We don't need to have a specific definition for that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TiffanyJung

She did, however, say that she would have sexual fantasies/daydreams that ended with her and the person she had her eye on in bed together, or build scenarios in her head that could lead to sex (thinking what she could wear, say, do etc. to make the other person begin thinking about getting down to it), but this required a pre-established interest or a crush on someone.

This is correct in my case too. I think that every sexual is different in their approach to sex. And since the experiences are so varied , do we really need a definition? Because honestly not all people will fit a specific one.Cultural aspects, a person's upbringing, circumstances all play a role in their approach to sex.

However if you really want to know whether you're sexual or asexual ask yourself this : Do I in the long run wish to have sex with someone(Irrespective of whether you love that person or not)?

Think about it for a day or two. And if at the end , you come to the conclusion that yes I do, you're sexual.

And if you think that I wouldn't mind having sex with someone but I'd rather have it with someone I love, you're still sexual.

From what I've gathered from these discussions, asexuals seem to lack the wish to have sex. They might do it to please their partner(Which unfortunately some sexuals would do too :/), might do it for children but they would never do it for themselves.

If you would do it for yourself then you're sexual.

I don't if this helps but I'm hoping that it does.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...