:|

[bbbg22]

Problem has been resolved.

[AveSatanas]

Seriously, relationship counseling, and shop until you find a counselor who understands asexuality or is willing to be educated about it. consider it an investment in your future like putting money in a GIC, get the best counselor you can afford and don't trust anybody without a licence, or who guilt trips you.

[Star Bit]

Then it sounds like you need to break up; he's not being satisfied and you can't satisfy him enough. Don't really blame this part on your asexuality; it would be the same if you were sexual; your sex drives (or in your case sex tolerance) just don't match up and that's a common problem and cause for break ups, let alone a common reason for divorces. You can't give him the sexual reciprocation he wants either. Sex is a major urge and thus a major part of a relationship to sexual people and there is nothing wrong with breaking up over such a vital issue. He also doesn't seem to accept or at the very least understand your orientation. Because he words it as "something you won't share with anyone else" i doubt he'd be open to the idea of an open relationship, and thus you're out of options. At the very least you can try to explain to him that sexual attraction isn't about sharing things to exclusive people, it's about someones presence turning them on and having the impulse to do sexual things to/with that person, and you have neither of those. Or if he's straight, tell him you sexually feel the same way he does toward other guys. He's the one that signed up for the asexual relationship, so none of this is your fault; he knew this stuff when he entered the relationship. If he's dissatisfied with what he signed up for then he has an obvious decision to make.

[chair jockey]

What are the _positives_ in your relationship? Do they outweigh this one huge negative (which can be really huge).

From what people tell me, ace-sexual relationships are not easy. There are many ups and downs. They take a lot of work. But if you've been together for five years now there must be _something_ keeping you together. Maybe you want to think carefully about what that something is, and whether it's worth it to keep working at the relationship. That's the first step.

[bbbg22]

@ink There are so many more positives to him and us that it's not even funny.

@Starbit; I couldn't fathomn breaking up with him since.. It's 5 years of my life that I put into one person. To me, and him, it's not an option. It's going to sound cheesy, but I don't get to make strong bonds with many people and I don't wanna lose this one because I'm happy now. I see this problem as a bump in the road that is going to keep coming back, and I just want a way to help smooth it down.

@Ave I'm thinking about couseling too, but the last 'personal' counseler I had asked if I wanted to fix me, instead of just talk about it. I'm always cautious about speaking about it. But as of right now, we are tight on money seeing as, we are both young, and have horrible jobs. But I am looking into.

[Digitus1]

sounds like if you are determined to stay (and 5 years isn't that long really..) what you actually need is acting lessons so you can pretend to actually want to participate in his recreational activity!

[Sally]

You can't really smooth it down. You are who you are; he is who he is. But he is, fairly obviously, expecting you to be, or become, someone other than you are. It's time for him to wake up and realize that's not going to happen, any more than he isn't going to change into some other person. You're the only one who can wake him up, b telling him he has to deal with the situation (just as you are trying to) as it is, not as he wishes it was.

Yes, there are many other things you enjoy about each other, and you don't want to break up. But this problem will not go away, and there won't be a compromise possible until you're bluntly honest with him, and he gets it. I think honest communication between the two of you would be much more realistic than counseling.

[bbbg22]

@Sally, I am honest and open with him about it. I've had the sit down talk with him about how I work and about how my body and mind are working.
&
@Digitus, 5 years is alot for me, personally. Since he is my first boyfriend, and first person I had sex with. But that's not the reason I want to stay with him. When we so have sex, I don't mind it and sometimes I do enjoy it, but it's just hard/rare for me to get in the mood. ANd I have told him ways to just be romantic and slow, but for the meanwhile it's been like he just wants to start it up. I under stand, we are in a house and we don't have private moments that'd I'd like to.
He tells me he'll get randomly turned on, which I believe to an extent, but just because he gets turned on doesn't mean I have to have sex with him and that is what I feel like it has boiled down to.

[cal_gui]

To be honest with you, I don't know what would be a good advice for you, as breaking up isn't a option for you. I don't think that you should be "pretending" to enjoy when you aren't in the mood. If it isn't consensual it isn't sex, it's rape. I do understand that in a relationship you're supposed to perform a "role", but you gotta to satisfy your own needs before worrying too much on the partner. You should keep trying dialogue to make him understand that you are NOT INTERESTED IN SEX, and that it has nothing to do with you loving him or not. Maybe you should consider having a more open relationship, if your partner feel like he needs to engage in more sexual activities than you're disposed to participate. That's only my opinion though, I've no idea what I would do in your position.

[bbbg22]

@Cal, Thank you. I have told him before, "well you can go have sex with someone else, I don't care" But then he gets in a mood of ' you wouldn't care if I did?' Which I wouldn't but he asks in such a sad way because he wants me to be more concerned if he goes out to find another woman to have sex with. He's not interested in other women, and sometimes I'm not pretending, some times I am.

Is there a way of wording it that would make sense? I can only get so far with my words until I don't really know how to say things. I just want to try to say to him, " I love you, and I love everything about you but when you have that urge for sex and I can't fulfill it, I don't want you to get mad at me. I need you to understand that, I just can't turn on that switch to even pretend to enjoy it."
Something like that, but not that, since that did not work this morning. And he has been fine with me just giving him oral or something to 'tide ' him over, he enjoys that.
But lately, I just haven't really wanted to do things for my own personal reasons (I have commission work, I feel aggitaited, weird noises, i don't feel pretty, whatever moods a woman goes through) And I just don't want to do those things. That's when I think it's the worst, I'm just in a rut and I would like some help out of it and my boyfriend isn't helping me with it mainly because it's just hard to talk about.

[cal_gui]

What you just wrote would be a good start on what you should say to him. I do understand that maybe he doesn't want to have a open relationship, because he loves you and simply can't have sex and intimacy with others because he wouldn't feel as comfortable and he would think that he's "betraying" you somehow. You could try convincing him to make an AVEN account, so that he would have support from many sexual and asexual people on relationships, and he would be able to solve any doubts he still have on the subject of asexuality and vent off whenever he felt frustrated. Having support from people on the same situation would help a lot, probably. I not sure, though, I am bit sleepy and a bit drunk right know, so maybe my advices aren't really that helpful.

[bbbg22]

@Cal, No you have great points. He's not the very sharing type. I could try to convince him but I don't know if he will go for it.

[Digitus1]

. If it isn't consensual it isn't sex, it's rape.

This totally sums it up for me.

I cannot even conceptualise how someone can want to do that to someone who does not totally want to reciprocate.

The idea actually nauseates me.

I ended my first marriage because I had stopped loving her and she still wanted to be intimate and I could not stand it!

[cal_gui]

@qzhxid, trying will do no harm, I wish you both all the luck in the world ^_^ .

[Star Bit]

You're concentrating on the wasted time as an excuse to not break up and the major attachment of him being your first. As well as the fear that you won't find someone else to be attracted to; with it being rare for you. I know it would be wasted time, but shit happens like that. 5 years isn't that long. Yes, it's not short, but 10 years is what's long. Your relationship is a moderate length and it happens all the time. Most people who are dating to find a spouse date for 2-5+ years before getting married/finding out they're not the person they want to marry and break up. Wasting 5 years on a relationship is common. This will only become a more major issue down the road and then you'll have wasted even more time. I get your attachment; I get that love is blind and it makes you do stupid things and overlook crucial points, but that's why you need to step back and look at the real picture. My grandfather married a sociopath (not my grandmother). Not that I'm saying that's your situation, but he was less happy after the marriage, she prevented him from seeing his family (preventing him from spending any of his money on anyone else but her), and yet it was love (or loneliness) and not wanting to waste the time spent on her that fooled him into staying (and he spent way more time in the relationship than you). Asexual with sexual couples get married with this major problem thinking, like you, that it will eventually smooth but in the end it's the cause of their divorce. You say breaking up isn't an option but don't you think those couples thought that too? It's not a question of how much they loved each other or how well the relationship was otherwise, sex is that big of a deal. I hate to be the one concentrating on the negative but you're not weighting the weight of the situation or the weight it is to him. The only option is that he's satisfied with what you're currently putting out, and he's not. Even if you put out to the degree he wants, there's the additional problem of him wanting reciprocation which you can't give. There are no other options. I would be suggesting them if there were. I'm not trying to be a negative nancy, I'm just trying to save you from wasting 5 more years on him before you finally come to the same realization.

Also, you asked for ways to explain your asexuality to him better. Did the ways i say in my first comment not work? If you're wording it this obviously; as you put in quotes, then it seems he doesn't want to even understand because that's blatant as heck. This is something he needs to understand in order to sustain this relationship and he's incapable of it. Another additional problem. People can actually prevent themselves from understanding something if they don't want to hear it or understand it.

[bbbg22]

@Star I should of put more info on this than what I had, I'mm make this short bio. I'm a 23 year old, somethng,with a high self esteem. I don't think I won't find anyone else again because I know I can, That really isn't my issue with staying with him. Him being my first holds no attachment to me, I stated it because it holds attachment to him. I problem with that topic isn't an issue, I have other things that are stopping me from going to achieve them if I wanted to leave him but I do not, because my sexuality is ' am I happy '

And I have either said word for word what I have quoted or tried to say it. Sometimes when I try to say something, the wording is wrong, and then that makes what I'm saying sound bad or confusing. I was trying to find words that would help me. My boyfriend is the realist in our relationship, and when I use ' my ' words, it doesn't get through to him. And this is on any topic of conversation I have with him (i,e: celebrities, the word gray & grey, video games) When I try to explain it, and it's what he is saying, but it's how I would say it. I am trying to make him undersatnd it, so it can register with me and him.

Does that make sense?

" I hate to be the one concentrating on the negative but you're not weighting the weight of the situation or the weight it is to him "-Star bit And I have looked at the pros and cons of this. In the beginning, it was bad and we broke up for 2 months, but when we got back together it was like, everyhting that was bad went away. Obviously, this really wasn't an issue back then, but It came up after we got back together; and I feel that before we broke up he understood it because I had had this long talk with him about how it works and that was before asexuality was a word for this community and brought to the light.

[whocaresthough]

If I were in that type of relationship (which I see in the future if I don't break up with my current boyfriend), I'd either tell him to go find a sex partner that ISN'T me. If he refused, I'd break up with him. I mean, I dunno if other aces care if your boyfriend has sex with other people, but they still love you. Do aces generally care?

[Star Bit]

If I were in that type of relationship (which I see in the future if I don't break up with my current boyfriend), I'd either tell him to go find a sex partner that ISN'T me. If he refused, I'd break up with him. I mean, I dunno if other aces care if your boyfriend has sex with other people, but they still love you. Do aces generally care?

That depends on the person; them caring has nothing to do with their orientation/being Ace.

[Star Bit]

If you have trouble convaying things then write them down and recite them from there. Or have him read it. You didn't answer my question though; did my elaborations on asexuality not work on him? I would think comparing it to him having sex with someone he's not sexually attracted to/another guy if he's straight would be as comprehensable as possible. If he's a realist then i would also think my second suggestion; elaboration on what sexual attraction is/the reactions you don't have would get across to him as well. (I mean, him understanding your sexuality may be the only hope in saving your relationship/getting him to accept or settle with the compromises you're already making.) Maybe you need to make it clear that you never will have sexual attraction for him. That even if you took acting lessons it would still be fake.

[Guest]

First... no rape is happening in this thread so let's keep that word out of the discussion. Qzhxid can consent for any reason... agreeing to have sex and not enjoying it is not rape.

Qzhxid... he really doesn't seem to understand your position. I don't know why. I think sometimes wishful thinking can be hard to overcome. I know that, for me, it took years to truly understand that despite certain behaviors, statements, whatever, that felt very "normal person sexual", that didn't mean my partner was suddenly becoming more sexual. I don't know why, but it was surprisingly hard to not misinterpret. It's not intentional, it's not conscious, really... it's like we're hardwired to respond to certain indicators in a sexual way, and despite our intellectual side knowing what our asexual partners say, there's a part of our brains that sorta... steamroll right over it.

It needs to be brought to his attention that he has never seen sex via your perspective, that he is still trying to interpret your behavior through his concept of sexuality, not yours. Maybe you should get a personal therapist who could help work with you on how to explain it to him?

[Guest]

I would think comparing it to him having sex with someone he's not sexually attracted to/another guy if he's straight would be as comprehensable as possible.

It's not the same. That can be a somewhat confusing example, because his response quite possibly will be "I'm not gay so I'd never date a guy. Is that how you feel about me? Like a friend? WTF?"

[Star Bit]

I would think comparing it to him having sex with someone he's not sexually attracted to/another guy if he's straight would be as comprehensable as possible.

It's not the same. That can be a somewhat confusing example, because his response quite possibly will be "I'm not gay so I'd never date a guy. Is that how you feel about me? Like a friend? WTF?"

Then the second elaboration is her best bet? That her partner does not cause her to become aroused and she does not have the impulse to do sexual things to him.

[Guest]

She's already told him that.

[Star Bit]

gah <_<

[Tarfeather]

First... no rape is happening in this thread so let's keep that word out of the discussion. Qzhxid can consent for any reason... agreeing to have sex and not enjoying it is not rape.

Thank you. This needs to be pinned or something, it's getting really annoying how often this has to be pointed out.

@qzhxid: So, I dislike suggesting to anyone to break up.. and I wouldn't directly suggest that.. But really, I think for your own mental health it'd probably best to say no to sex and to stick to that. If you make it clear to him that there's not going to be sex, then he will be forced to take a step back and evaluate whether he really wants this relationship or not. And if he doesn't, doesn't matter how long you've been together, this is not worth continuing.

[Guest]

Ahhh... Yes, Tarfeather's solution works too. Make him understand by giving him no other options, no hope, no wishful thinking. Just shut it down for awhile.

[bbbg22]

We have had a talk since this thread had started and it has helped alot. And basically it got boils down to, since I walk around in my underwear around the house that I shouldn't do that because that is teasing and it's mean/rude of me to do so. . _____ .

@Skullery & Tarfeather, Thank you for your replies. And to anyone else in the thread who keeps and/or will call it rape, it is not rape. I am agreeing to have sex with him. He is not forcing me, he is not making me do it against my will. I am consenting to \having sex with him, admittedly, sometimes I'm not up for the activity but I am still consenting to do so.

& We have had talks that are similar to 'should we break up' and we always say no, because, I have been through so much emotional phases already (and everyone else has I know) but I don't feel like I can do this, or anything again. I'm pretty sure it's just depression, and it's always reoccurring but I don't want to break up because even if we did, I'd still want him to be my friend. But he doesn't like that idea, once the bond id broken it should stay like that, he thinks. Which I can agree in some cases. But I can break up with him, but I am not going to because I do not want to.

@Skullery, I've had a personal therapist before for different reasons not concerning my sexuality and when brought up things about me and my personal life she just laughed at me. Literally to my face and asked if I would like to be different and if I would like to be fixed, to take pills for my libido. I tried explaining to her that I didn't need sex in the relationship but she didn't care what I had to say.

@Star, I can become aroused, but it is very rare. I don't want to shut him down completely because those times when I am wanting to share that moment with him, I do like it for the meanwhile, but I don't want to him to think that we will never have sex again. I just want him to not expect sex or foreplay every week, etc.

@TheNerd, I care if he would decide to leave me since well, I have put alot of certain emotions into what we have, and he is my best friend and other typically feelings that we put in to another human being. I wouldn't care if he had sex with another girl as long as he wanted to be with me in life, but if he decided to leave me in general, I wouldn't like that.

[Tarfeather]

& We have had talks that are similar to 'should we break up' and we always say no, because, I have been through so much emotional phases already (and everyone else has I know) but I don't feel like I can do this, or anything again.

So.. You're completely dependent on him and that's it? Even in a relationship without any issues I'd consider that unwise.

I'm pretty sure it's just depression, and it's always reoccurring but I don't want to break up because even if we did, I'd still want him to be my friend. But he doesn't like that idea, once the bond id broken it should stay like that, he thinks.

Uh oh.. In my experience, friendship is an important basis for a mixed relationship, and that is so because it is more.. mm.. "steadfast" than romance/sexual desire, and with all the issues that mismatched sexual wants cause, that stability is sorely required. What really makes me worry here, is whether he considers sexuality to be part of that "bond", because if he does.. Yeah, warnings bells all the way.

@Star, I can become aroused, but it is very rare. I don't want to shut him down completely because those times when I am wanting to share that moment with him, I do like it for the meanwhile, but I don't want to him to think that we will never have sex again. I just want him to not expect sex or foreplay every week, etc.

Once a week is not very often. Basically, when I started out in my relationship, I thought to myself "If it's less than once a week, might as well not do it at all". Which is kind of what I'm getting at. If the purpose of sex is sexual satisfaction, then you can not grant that without making yourself very uncomfortable during the process. So, unless for some reason you want to put up with that (and I don't see why anyone would, but hey, it's your choice), you have to get him to realize that "being sexually satisfied by your partner" is not going to be a thing he will find in this relationship.

Yes, it's possible to have sex for other reasons than that, but if you keep giving in to him, he's probably not going to come to that understanding any time soon. It's an extremely difficult thing, actually, and I doubt a person could pull it off if not for a very good reason such as trying to maintain one's bond with the most important person one has in the world. If you deny him sex, he can go through all the stages of grief and understanding now. If you keep trying to please him, that process might come too late to save your relationship.

[Star Bit]

Interesting. I think i finally understand his logic. It's like telling someone that cake is bad for you and then giving them the cake. Not that I'm saying sex is bad for you, but 1, why would you be giving me the cake if it's that bad, and 2, it's good. So giving him what he wants/sex is what's impairing his processing of facts/your orientation; if you don't want sex (at least in some way) then why am i getting it (and the fact that you ocasionlly reciprocate/are ok with him satisfying your arousal further inforces that), and him strongly wanting sex is inforceing that even more.