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Different Dysphorias


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21 minutes ago, Torrence Kieran said:

I get a lot of dysphoria from feeling like people perceive me as a butch lesbian instead of trans man. I also get a lot from the fact that I have a purse. There's a lot of other ones but I can't think of them at the moment.

If anyone looks at you funny for being a guy with a purse, just hit them over the head with it.  :P

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Low key, recently been having bottom dysphoria which have not had before and it freaked me out. What makes me dysphoric is my waist and my breast and those are easy to cover up. i guess it just caught me off guard. idk

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My gender dysphoria is like

- I feel uncomfortable when people call me a boy or use he/him but I usually like being misgendered as a girl (it doesn't happen a lot.) I know am not a trans woman but I think it's overall better for me when Im misgendered so I am not hearing : he/him, boy, male, lad

- I dont even have much facial hair but looking closely at my face powers my gender dysphoria.

- Wearing formal stereotypical gendered clothing, e.g: secondary school uniform. Of course anyone can wear anything (it's not like the clothes will disappear when you try to put them on) but for me, I dont known why, I just hate it and it gives me some discomfort.

- Hairdressers. My parents saying: I think you should have like a more short masculine hair cut. I do not know what I want to do with my hair at this moment in time but I definitely do not want what they are trying to describe to me.

- My genitalia isn't much of a problem, I feel dysphoria but not much compared to the things listed above. I do hate it when having to get changed at a swimming pool for example or the changing rooms in my school for PE.

- Being grouped with the boys since I am AMAB. In a spanish lesson, we were doing a quiz where it's Girls VS Boys and I was grouped with the boys of course. Like can they just not do the gendered team stuff?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can never quite decide how I feel about the whole "having breasts" issue.  I'm not a huge fan of how they look, but I'm just not sure if binding and/or surgery is worth all the pain and discomfort involved.

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Hi everyone! I've been out as ace for many years but I'm new to AVEN. I joined because I wanted a safe space to try out a new name and explore some questions around dysphoria and gender. I'm really thankful to have found this subforum!

 

Background: I have very few clear childhood memories, but I can't recall a time when my gender expression wasn't in flux in one way or another. I don't think I ever felt masculine-aligned, but I did dress masc for stretches of time; then I'd dress femme for a while, then get obsessively interested in androgyny for a few weeks or so, then start the cycle again. (My brain has done similar back-and-forth-ing when it comes to intimacy, but I'll skip describing those things in detail here.) I've been learning about the genderfae label and thinking it might be a fit for me. (I've tried it out in my bio here.)


The confusing part is that I don't remember feeling dysphoric (i.e. gender fluidity wasn't difficult or upsetting or affecting my life negatively in any way I recall) until I was in college, around the time I had my first s*xual partner. This person was abusive in lots of ways, but relevant to this discussion was that he constantly demanded that I conform to his expectations of femininity -- in particular, a form of feminine gender expression that I have never been comfortable with and would never have chosen for myself. Because I'm not aware of experiencing dysphoria before that point, there are some complicated questions about whether what I experience now is really just the after-effects of trauma or something that's been there all along. And if these experiences are due to trauma, does that mean it's not dysphoria? Or is it still? I've been out of that relationship for many years now, but the feeling of discomfort with shifting gender feelings has only intensified -- and, strangely, it seems to be getting worse the healthier my current relationship becomes. (What?!) It's almost as though, the better I understand and live as my true self, the more I'm uncovering this new layer of stuff to sort through.

 

My experience of (what I think is) dysphoria: Typically it takes the form of feeling unable to make myself look the way I feel -- either because I'm unsure how I feel or because I feel like I want to look in a way that, for some reason, I "can't" look that day (like if I have a date that night or if I have to dress "professionally" for work). It may be that I want to look androgynous but I feel like there's an expectation that I wear a dress that day; or if I've had a few days of presenting more masc, I may feel like I "can't look feminine enough" the next day. This typically results in me spending hours upon hours changing my clothes, hair, and makeup over and over and over again and never finding the right fit. It can happen for one day or for several days at a time but rarely lasts more than a week at once. I'm especially vulnerable to these feelings surrounding my hair, and there's a trauma complication there too. When i was in the abusive relationship I mentioned earlier, my hair was a special point of criticism. I recently cut my hair, and it brought on a wave of dysphoria more severe and more frequent than I've experienced before.

 

There's a separate piece about my name, which goes back farther than the gender-y things: I recall feeling that my given name didn't fit me as early as five or years old. I tried to change it when I was 10 or 11, but no one in my life would let me. I successfully convinced people to at least spell my given name differently, when I was 12 or 13. I have always hated hearing my given name, seeing it written down, seeing or hearing it when it's someone else's name -- the whole bit. I recently spoke to a friend about this, and she immediately said that she thought Quinn would fit me -- which felt like a gut punch, because that was the name I had been thinking about secretly for several years. My friend offered to help me try out this new name, and she and her partner have started calling me Quinn. The euphoria i feel when I see or hear my new name is incredible!! I know that name dysphoria is a thing, and I think my experiences with my given name and with trying a new name are in some ways characteristic of name dysphoria -- but what I don't understand is how that interacts with the other, gender-y things I've described above.

 

I'm so, so new to this part of my journey, and I would love to know what others here think! Especially if you have insight about how trauma interacts with dysphoria, or you have a good way of helping me understand what's going on here, in light of my other identities (sex-neutral panromantic asexual) which all feel very comfy. I can see that this subforum has a six-year history (and I'm working my way through it!) so I'm sure some of these questions have been addressed before. I would welcome folks pointing me toward older posts as well!

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On 5/10/2021 at 3:30 PM, Qu_inn said:

Hi everyone! I've been out as ace for many years but I'm new to AVEN. I joined because I wanted a safe space to try out a new name and explore some questions around dysphoria and gender. I'm really thankful to have found this subforum!

 

Background: I have very few clear childhood memories, but I can't recall a time when my gender expression wasn't in flux in one way or another. I don't think I ever felt masculine-aligned, but I did dress masc for stretches of time; then I'd dress femme for a while, then get obsessively interested in androgyny for a few weeks or so, then start the cycle again. (My brain has done similar back-and-forth-ing when it comes to intimacy, but I'll skip describing those things in detail here.) I've been learning about the genderfae label and thinking it might be a fit for me. (I've tried it out in my bio here.)


The confusing part is that I don't remember feeling dysphoric (i.e. gender fluidity wasn't difficult or upsetting or affecting my life negatively in any way I recall) until I was in college, around the time I had my first s*xual partner. This person was abusive in lots of ways, but relevant to this discussion was that he constantly demanded that I conform to his expectations of femininity -- in particular, a form of feminine gender expression that I have never been comfortable with and would never have chosen for myself. Because I'm not aware of experiencing dysphoria before that point, there are some complicated questions about whether what I experience now is really just the after-effects of trauma or something that's been there all along. And if these experiences are due to trauma, does that mean it's not dysphoria? Or is it still? I've been out of that relationship for many years now, but the feeling of discomfort with shifting gender feelings has only intensified -- and, strangely, it seems to be getting worse the healthier my current relationship becomes. (What?!) It's almost as though, the better I understand and live as my true self, the more I'm uncovering this new layer of stuff to sort through.

 

My experience of (what I think is) dysphoria: Typically it takes the form of feeling unable to make myself look the way I feel -- either because I'm unsure how I feel or because I feel like I want to look in a way that, for some reason, I "can't" look that day (like if I have a date that night or if I have to dress "professionally" for work). It may be that I want to look androgynous but I feel like there's an expectation that I wear a dress that day; or if I've had a few days of presenting more masc, I may feel like I "can't look feminine enough" the next day. This typically results in me spending hours upon hours changing my clothes, hair, and makeup over and over and over again and never finding the right fit. It can happen for one day or for several days at a time but rarely lasts more than a week at once. I'm especially vulnerable to these feelings surrounding my hair, and there's a trauma complication there too. When i was in the abusive relationship I mentioned earlier, my hair was a special point of criticism. I recently cut my hair, and it brought on a wave of dysphoria more severe and more frequent than I've experienced before.

 

There's a separate piece about my name, which goes back farther than the gender-y things: I recall feeling that my given name didn't fit me as early as five or years old. I tried to change it when I was 10 or 11, but no one in my life would let me. I successfully convinced people to at least spell my given name differently, when I was 12 or 13. I have always hated hearing my given name, seeing it written down, seeing or hearing it when it's someone else's name -- the whole bit. I recently spoke to a friend about this, and she immediately said that she thought Quinn would fit me -- which felt like a gut punch, because that was the name I had been thinking about secretly for several years. My friend offered to help me try out this new name, and she and her partner have started calling me Quinn. The euphoria i feel when I see or hear my new name is incredible!! I know that name dysphoria is a thing, and I think my experiences with my given name and with trying a new name are in some ways characteristic of name dysphoria -- but what I don't understand is how that interacts with the other, gender-y things I've described above.

 

I'm so, so new to this part of my journey, and I would love to know what others here think! Especially if you have insight about how trauma interacts with dysphoria, or you have a good way of helping me understand what's going on here, in light of my other identities (sex-neutral panromantic asexual) which all feel very comfy. I can see that this subforum has a six-year history (and I'm working my way through it!) so I'm sure some of these questions have been addressed before. I would welcome folks pointing me toward older posts as well!

Dysphoria for me was very hidden in plain sight where a lot of my discomfort I hadn’t put together as dysphoria, and only after realizing I felt dysphoric did I register the signs in my youth of definitely being nonbinary. 
 

In terms of how trauma relates to dysphoria I don’t have the clearest picture because there are times I wonder if I’ve developed a habit because of processing trauma, being a sex-repulsed ace, or because I’m dysphoric. It could likely be multiple, to be honest. But I will say it isn’t uncommon for dysphoria to increase based on certain things and to have not always recognized dysphoria for what it is. 
 

Also, I’ve heard that one of the best indicators that you are trans isn’t gender dysphoria but euphoria because it’s usually a lot easier to pick out. Preferring a different name might be one of those things, or dressing in different ways. 
 

I’m still relatively new to all of this though, so don’t take everything I say as correct. 

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1 hour ago, Quilly said:

But I will say it isn’t uncommon for dysphoria to increase based on certain things and to have not always recognized dysphoria for what it is. 
 

Also, I’ve heard that one of the best indicators that you are trans isn’t gender dysphoria but euphoria because it’s usually a lot easier to pick out. Preferring a different name might be one of those things, or dressing in different ways.

Thank you for this, Quilly! It's really good to hear that some of my experiences are common -- especially feelings changing based on different inputs, and not always recognizing dysphoria.

 

I hadn't heard that euphoria can be a better indicator -- that's so helpful and interesting! I'm going to explore that framework a bit more. I really appreciate your insight!

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camillosan

I'm not sure if this belongs here but using hormonal birth control makes me uncomfortable.

Spoiler

I'm unsure if this can be potentially triggering so I'll just put a spoiler.

 

I've been avoiding the gynecologist like the plague but recently went on birth control. I was extremely reluctant going on it for years because I didn't want to put more "female" hormones in my body. I'm still scared it will noticeably change things in my body, like fat distribution for example or even mental changes. I'm particularly worried about my breasts growing.

 

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I really think that I've always unconsiously wanted my hair cut. Even as a kid, I'd hide my hair to the back to make sure that I don't see it, and when I do see it, I wanna hide back again and pretend it's not there. I still do that to this day, so I've been recently considering a haircut or somethin-

But there are two problems:

 

- I have zero courage

- the person who cuts my hair has known me for a long long time and is a (sort of?) family friend, so I feel weird having her cut it (hypothetically)

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Oberon Jasper

The other day I got really bad eyelash dysphoria (?)... like I looked in the mirror, saw my eyelashes, and just about ripped them all out of my face because they felt way to f*cking feminine.

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My voice. Just... ugh. Even when my body's mostly fine, the voice comes in and ruins everything.

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Uuugghhh.

 

Shark week always makes me so tired and dysphoric, but I have multiple assignments that I have to complete today.

I just want to go back to bed, but that's not really an option.

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camillosan

My name. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate my name. It's not an ugly name, but it's not my name and never has been my name. Ever since I was little I wanted it changed.

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Pronouns ;; I tend to have more social dysphoria than body dysphoria as I'm genderfluid with mixed feelings about my chest, and it's understandable considering I present feminine a lot of the time, but being called she/her just feels.. really wrong. Sucks because I'm closeted so I get called that and things like "daughter" and "girl" all the time

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@Karst Genderfae ^^ a type of genderfluidity that does not involve masculine or male genders

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On 5/20/2021 at 2:32 PM, camill said:

My name. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate my name. It's not an ugly name, but it's not my name and never has been my name. Ever since I was little I wanted it changed.

Saaaaaaaame. Do you go by your given name among friends/family/others? I've just recently started telling a very small number of people my chosen/real name, and it's really hard! I would love your advice or to share ideas, if that's something you're doing! ❤️

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camillosan

@Qu_inn I still go by my given name/nickname as I'm not out to people and just "randomly" changing my name would feel a bit strange. However I've recently talked to a friend about this for the first time, and we might try using a new name for me which I'm a bit nervous but also excited about. Sorry that I can't really give advice, I think I'm more or less in your shoes. 

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camillosan

Sorry about posting again. Does anyone know if it's a normal/common experience for dysphoria to get worse once you acknowledge it? I've always had mild and mostly bearable levels of dysphoria, but right now it feels like I opened pandoras box (which I was scared of in the first place). Things are getting worse, not better. I'm now not only kinda wanting a binder, I'm in desperate need of one because I can't deal with my chest anymore. I'm almost hyper aware of it, and it's driving me nuts. Having to use my name to sign stuff/introduce myself feels even more horrible than before, my family calling me that name as well. My parents using female pronouns made me feel physically sick for the first time in my life. I've also had brief moments of bottom dysphoria which I've never really had before. It's a bit scary.

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1 hour ago, camill said:

Sorry about posting again. Does anyone know if it's a normal/common experience for dysphoria to get worse once you acknowledge it? I've always had mild and mostly bearable levels of dysphoria, but right now it feels like I opened pandoras box (which I was scared of in the first place). Things are getting worse, not better. I'm now not only kinda wanting a binder, I'm in desperate need of one because I can't deal with my chest anymore. I'm almost hyper aware of it, and it's driving me nuts. Having to use my name to sign stuff/introduce myself feels even more horrible than before, my family calling me that name as well. My parents using female pronouns made me feel physically sick for the first time in my life. I've also had brief moments of bottom dysphoria which I've never really had before. It's a bit scary.

When you recognize that a problem exists, you start seeing components/symptoms of it everywhere.  It's not just a gender thing.

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oooh this thread has gotten to 69 :)

19 hours ago, Karst said:

When you recognize that a problem exists, you start seeing components/symptoms of it everywhere.  It's not just a gender thing.

It's psychological I believe.

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Seeing my legal name on documents, and I have to wait a couple years to change it and it sucks. I also hate my boobs and wish they were smaller/not there so I look less feminine 

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Sleepy Croissant

Having a hard time with my gender identity.

For the longest time, I hated being so feminine. 
I hate dresses, I really don't like makeup if it has to make me look super feminine, and I've never felt happy with a curvy body type. Of course, I have gotten used to the fact that I will not be able to change my body type without lots of money. I'm fine with keeping my body this way and to avoid the efforts, but it makes me sad sometimes. 

trigger warning: Female Anatomy / Intercourse

Spoiler

Having a vagina has never bothered me. If anything it makes me happy to know I don't have a bulge in my pants. I've always had times where I never paid attention to it being there, and I do not like associating myself with having one when subjects like that come up under any circumstance. In a way, I feel very indifferent. 

Having sex was never something that I initiate, and I do it more so to attend to my partner's needs. I do not have a problem with doing these things, yes it feels nice but I hate to associate myself with my genitalia or anything afterward. 
TLDR;

Intercourse feels nice in the moment, but associating myself with having a vag feels kind of bad. 

 

I'll always joke about having one, but I never actually connect with my anatomy as a whole. 

I love it when people use they/them pronouns! When I talk to people online and they do not know that I was born female, its kind of a good feeling.  I never get that a lot in school or in public because I look fem regardless of how I dress. I've been wanting to cut my hair but my confidence is low. 

Anyway, I think I might be Nonbinary or Demigirl. What do you guys think?

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17 hours ago, Sleepy Croissant said:

Having a hard time with my gender identity.

For the longest time, I hated being so feminine. 
I hate dresses, I really don't like makeup if it has to make me look super feminine, and I've never felt happy with a curvy body type. Of course, I have gotten used to the fact that I will not be able to change my body type without lots of money. I'm fine with keeping my body this way and to avoid the efforts, but it makes me sad sometimes. 

trigger warning: Female Anatomy / Intercourse

  Hide contents

Having a vagina has never bothered me. If anything it makes me happy to know I don't have a bulge in my pants. I've always had times where I never paid attention to it being there, and I do not like associating myself with having one when subjects like that come up under any circumstance. In a way, I feel very indifferent. 

Having sex was never something that I initiate, and I do it more so to attend to my partner's needs. I do not have a problem with doing these things, yes it feels nice but I hate to associate myself with my genitalia or anything afterward. 
TLDR;

Intercourse feels nice in the moment, but associating myself with having a vag feels kind of bad. 

 

I'll always joke about having one, but I never actually connect with my anatomy as a whole. 

I love it when people use they/them pronouns! When I talk to people online and they do not know that I was born female, its kind of a good feeling.  I never get that a lot in school or in public because I look fem regardless of how I dress. I've been wanting to cut my hair but my confidence is low. 

Anyway, I think I might be Nonbinary or Demigirl. What do you guys think?

I don’t know for sure but you sound non-binary to me. I’ve felt the same way about my masculine body type, although I’m kind of slim which bothers me too for some reason. lol And yeah having a um...bulge isn’t something I like either. So I understand that my good fellow Human person.

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camillosan

I need to vent a bit about this bs birth control...

Spoiler

The hormones make my chest feel painful and sore. Thanks, I absolutely love having a sore chest every single day so I'm aware of its existence even more. I also feel like my uterus is bulging, maybe I'm starting to see things that aren't even there? It also makes my skin worse not better so why am I doing this to myself? If I stop, I'll go into blood-mode though. Shit.

 

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1 hour ago, camill said:

I need to vent a bit about this bs birth control...

  Hide contents

The hormones make my chest feel painful and sore. Thanks, I absolutely love having a sore chest every single day so I'm aware of its existence even more. I also feel like my uterus is bulging, maybe I'm starting to see things that aren't even there? It also makes my skin worse not better so why am I doing this to myself? If I stop, I'll go into blood-mode though. Shit.

 

I’m sorry that sounds really horrible to go through. You probably already talked to your doctor but if you haven’t maybe they could help?

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camillosan

@A-A-ronThanks, it's okay. I'm pretty sure these are normal and "minor" reactions/side effects, nothing I'd need to get checked out. I expected them too, but the dysphoria is really kicking in. I feel like I'm poisoning my body with estrogen.

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Sleepy Croissant
On 6/3/2021 at 1:09 PM, A-A-ron said:

I don’t know for sure but you sound non-binary to me. I’ve felt the same way about my masculine body type, although I’m kind of slim which bothers me too for some reason. lol And yeah having a um...bulge isn’t something I like either. So I understand that my good fellow Human person.

Thank you so much for your insight ❤️

I plan on cutting my hair after I graduate to see if it helps the small amount of dysphoria I have. 

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AceHibiscusInfinity

I would say my dysphoria is more socially induced. How others see me or expect me to behave was creating a lot of internal conflict because I had this image in my head but I would be constantly reminded by people around me with their perceptions of me.

 

My dysphoria initially started out as innocent questioning of certain gendered norms followed in my family. I was around 11-12 years old and had just gotten my periods. Where I come from, there is this custom of celebrating when a person starts menstruating. When my mother told me she wanted to invite a bunch of people at the end of my period cycle, I put my foot down. I argued with her, "Why? Did you celebrate when I pooped or peed the first time?" I couldn't see my menstruation as something more than a body function. She was initially reluctant but caved in eventually. But, in exchange for not celebrating, my mother wanted the family elders to know. I would have done anything to not have a celebration. So, I said ok. Little did I know that was the start of my discomfort. When my elders called me, they said things like, "At last you are a woman now", "Now you are ready for motherhood!", "May you have many babies". I remember being annoyed with the entire thing. Cut to 10 years after, I started getting different kind of comments: "You attain true womanhood after you go through childbirth", "Only if you give birth, you are a woman", "Every woman is reborn again after child birth" and such! I had huge problems with statements and comments like these. I would get angry and argue. And after all these arguments, as I would go to sleep, I would think about myself and how my body is not my own and would hate myself.
 

While I was questioning my sexual orientation, I started remembering things like a couple of instances when people mistook me for a man because of my short hair and clothes. I was happy about each time they mistook my gender. And whenever I recall it or talk to my friends about it, I have this feeling of elation which would last days. And I would carry off the androgynous expression with panache. People would say, "you are far more confident about yourself like this." I also remember how in college I had by mistake gotten into the Men's restroom and I didn't feel awkward or discomfort. In my college, the inside of the bathrooms are built identically. There was no difference between men's bathroom and women's bathroom. I didn't even notice I was in a Men's restroom until a guy came in and freaked out. Him freaking out startled me a bit. When I came out, and recounted the entire thing to my friends, they asked, "But why are you happy about this?" That's when I realised I was smiling. I never had an idea why I felt happy. I was not even aware I was experiencing gender euphoria. 

 

I never saw myself the way others saw me. The expectations and the norms weighed heavy on me. I hated going out, meeting people and it came to a point when I hated coming out of my room in front of my family. I avoided mirrors, being photographed, anything that showed me. I had initially pegged it to social anxiety, but I was wrong. Ever since I started questioning my own gender identity, started focussing on how I viewed myself in my head, I felt the weight becoming lighter. And when I accepted that being a woman didn't complete my story and came out as non-binary, the load became even lighter. 

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camillosan

@AceHibiscusInfinity I'm happy you were able to figure yourself out! I've had such eerily similar experiences, I could've written this myself.

 

10 minutes ago, AceHibiscusInfinity said:

I had initially pegged it to social anxiety, but I was wrong. 

I've been struggling with self-esteem issues and social anxiety ever since I was 12. I recently read an article about more "subtle" ways dysphoria can manifest and low self-esteem was listed as one of them. I hadn't made that connection before (although it's quite an obvious one isn't it) and it almost felt like a revelation.

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