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nerdperson777
On 10/1/2019 at 11:24 PM, Gethealien said:

I wish I was at least more normal... 

I have a meeting which the social worker is going to be at on Friday and freaking out.

I'm really sorry that your parents won't accept you and are being a real pain in the bum. I'm sorry that you are having to go through that pain. And im sorry that you are still dependent on your parents for help which is all good, but in your situation isn't great because it forces interacts that they make negative, this is what I'm worried about.

I'm just struggling tbh. Genrally and the whole gender thing. I'm just exhausted of life.

Trigger warning in spoiler.

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I'm struggling partly because I can't self harm before the appointment this afternoon because she might see it and so that's one coping strategies out the window. 

I'm also in soo much pain right now from my body.

All this stuff that's going on keeps driving me back to the edge. 

I hate living in clones. I hate myself and my body/brain.

 

I think I have been linking comics a little more frequent lately: https://www.deviantart.com/jocelynsamara/art/RAIN-p365-Reactions-380805837

Normal is a BS concept.  I tried my best to be normal and it didn't work.  My parents may strive their best to be normal, but in that, they become abnormal.  I thought I was normal before, but I was actually abnormal.  Then by transitioning, I ended up being more normal than ever.  Mostly when I changed from a distinctive hairstyle to a generic one, the only one to recognize me was my guy friend from high school.  By relaxing, I became more normal than ever.

 

Hope you can feel better soon.

 

On 10/2/2019 at 12:33 AM, Cocothecoconut said:

I’m sorry to hear that your parents wouldn’t accept you. I don’t think that my parents wouldn’t accept me coming out as a gender fluid person since they’re accepted me being aromantic asexual. You know they love me for who i am and wouldn’t leave me behind and would always support me. But aarrgg i still have those thoughts of what if they don’t accept me for being genderfluid. I don’t think it would bother them but i still wanna wait coming out for them. Even though i get enough money to support myself(cause in Denmark where i live we all get high taxes. There are actually no difference between rich and poor here) i feel sorry for you. My father’s cousin lives in Florida and has to work hard to support her family. But don’t worry about it. Cause you know that you are loved by us. And i feel lucky to have family and friends who loves me and support me but i know that i am also loved here. Some people might let us down, but we must focus on those who loves us.

I have high taxes here too.  Everything here is just insanely expensive.  One of my friends agreed to pay a higher portion of our rent since she earns more.  The amount I'm paying for a room is the same amount an online friend pays for a whole apartment in her state.  If I went to visit her with my meager salary, I'd probably still be considered slightly rich just because everyone here gets paid way more to sustain themselves in a place that has even higher expenses so I'm not really doing that well.  Then comparing salaries, I make about twice as much as her but living expenses is way more than twice.

It would be interesting living in a society that has no difference between rich and poor.  I quite like everyone at a similar standing.

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Bloc
3 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

 

It would be interesting living in a society that has no difference between rich and poor.  I quite like everyone at a similar standing.

I would like to live in such a society. Some time ago I heard of the proposal to limit the payment for executives to twenty times the wage/salary of the lowest paid employee. I don't remember who it was, but it sounds interesting, however one needs to fix loopholes to circumvent it and also limit profits for investors.

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nerdperson777
15 hours ago, Bloc said:

I would like to live in such a society. Some time ago I heard of the proposal to limit the payment for executives to twenty times the wage/salary of the lowest paid employee. I don't remember who it was, but it sounds interesting, however one needs to fix loopholes to circumvent it and also limit profits for investors.

I remember some limit also.  But that's practically all that I remember.

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On 10/5/2019 at 8:03 AM, nerdperson777 said:

I think I have been linking comics a little more frequent lately: https://www.deviantart.com/jocelynsamara/art/RAIN-p365-Reactions-380805837

Normal is a BS concept.  I tried my best to be normal and it didn't work.  My parents may strive their best to be normal, but in that, they become abnormal.  I thought I was normal before, but I was actually abnormal.  Then by transitioning, I ended up being more normal than ever.  Mostly when I changed from a distinctive hairstyle to a generic one, the only one to recognize me was my guy friend from high school.  By relaxing, I became more normal than ever.

 

Hope you can feel better soon.

 

I have high taxes here too.  Everything here is just insanely expensive.  One of my friends agreed to pay a higher portion of our rent since she earns more.  The amount I'm paying for a room is the same amount an online friend pays for a whole apartment in her state.  If I went to visit her with my meager salary, I'd probably still be considered slightly rich just because everyone here gets paid way more to sustain themselves in a place that has even higher expenses so I'm not really doing that well.  Then comparing salaries, I make about twice as much as her but living expenses is way more than twice.

It would be interesting living in a society that has no difference between rich and poor.  I quite like everyone at a similar standing.

You got a point when you say that everything is expensive where you live. In Denmark it’s actually expensive too. But the ting is that they have money to buy it, not because i’m bragging about how great it is(it’s just how it works there. Because you know every country has their own problems and ups and downs. In Denmark we also got some problems, but they’re different. But anyway so my salary is about 3778 danish krones(557,38 USD dollars) but that’s what i get now for being in resource course. I get more when i get a job where i can work permanently. Now i have 5882 DK(867,80 USD). And this country seems like i could use them on everything i wanted, but don’t get me wrong i am very cheap. I want to have everything under control when it comes to money(actually too much and my family makes fun of it). So you live with your friends? That’s actually really cool it’s good that you and your friends have money to support each other, it could have been worse. It’s very difficult for me to live with someone. Because i like to be all by myself, which might be the worst nightmare for some. I can feel free to be gender fluid without having to tie up about myself for who i am. I wish the best for you and your friends. Cause i care about people and their lives... Actually too much.

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nerdperson777
On 10/15/2019 at 11:25 AM, Cocothecoconut said:

You got a point when you say that everything is expensive where you live. In Denmark it’s actually expensive too. But the ting is that they have money to buy it, not because i’m bragging about how great it is(it’s just how it works there. Because you know every country has their own problems and ups and downs. In Denmark we also got some problems, but they’re different. But anyway so my salary is about 3778 danish krones(557,38 USD dollars) but that’s what i get now for being in resource course. I get more when i get a job where i can work permanently. Now i have 5882 DK(867,80 USD). And this country seems like i could use them on everything i wanted, but don’t get me wrong i am very cheap. I want to have everything under control when it comes to money(actually too much and my family makes fun of it). So you live with your friends? That’s actually really cool it’s good that you and your friends have money to support each other, it could have been worse. It’s very difficult for me to live with someone. Because i like to be all by myself, which might be the worst nightmare for some. I can feel free to be gender fluid without having to tie up about myself for who i am. I wish the best for you and your friends. Cause i care about people and their lives... Actually too much.

I got similar feelings.  My mom does financial stuff for her career and is the stingiest person I know.  In her name, if you put one of those words with another, it makes the phrase for cheap.  She denies being cheap.  I learned how to be cheap from her, only spending on essentials, nothing for personal enjoyment, because I always learned that that didn't matter.  There's no such thing as treating myself because it costs more than it needs to be.  To allow for indulgences is vulnerability, which she won't have.  But I've been treating myself lately, even if I don't have the money to keep up with it all.  I tell myself that I'm allowed to have nice things.  And then mom will shame me for it.

 

My roommates are all members of the community so we express ourselves how we like.  Our internet is called "NoCissies" so we are all defying our expected gender roles.  None of us are straight either.

 

I care about others and want to make sure they are happy, but I can't really do that myself unless I make more money so that I'm comfortable myself first.  I would one day like to foster trans youth and support their medical transition.  There's a parent I met online who is stuck in a rut.  They're disabled and they and their kids are autistic.  The partner is the sole breadwinner I think, since they find it hard to even go outside.  I constantly read posts about their physical and emotional pain and needing donations to even survive.

I would like to be able to pay for their top surgery when I'm able.  I know that they live in a conservative area where there are no nearby endocrinologists, no place that with let them transition on insurance.  So it would be hard to get them T if it's not even in the area.  So I think at least I can give them one permanent thing that can relieve their dysphoria.  I hardly know this person, but I do want to be able to help them.  I have other friends online too.  I want to help all of them who are stuck in financial holes, but I need to help myself first.

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Iridium

@nerdperson777, it's sad how so many of the most generous people are the ones without the resources to help others as much as they want to.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
On 10/21/2019 at 10:46 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I got similar feelings.  My mom does financial stuff for her career and is the stingiest person I know.  In her name, if you put one of those words with another, it makes the phrase for cheap.  She denies being cheap.  I learned how to be cheap from her, only spending on essentials, nothing for personal enjoyment, because I always learned that that didn't matter.  There's no such thing as treating myself because it costs more than it needs to be.  To allow for indulgences is vulnerability, which she won't have.  But I've been treating myself lately, even if I don't have the money to keep up with it all.  I tell myself that I'm allowed to have nice things.  And then mom will shame me for it.

 

My roommates are all members of the community so we express ourselves how we like.  Our internet is called "NoCissies" so we are all defying our expected gender roles.  None of us are straight either.

 

I care about others and want to make sure they are happy, but I can't really do that myself unless I make more money so that I'm comfortable myself first.  I would one day like to foster trans youth and support their medical transition.  There's a parent I met online who is stuck in a rut.  They're disabled and they and their kids are autistic.  The partner is the sole breadwinner I think, since they find it hard to even go outside.  I constantly read posts about their physical and emotional pain and needing donations to even survive.

I would like to be able to pay for their top surgery when I'm able.  I know that they live in a conservative area where there are no nearby endocrinologists, no place that with let them transition on insurance.  So it would be hard to get them T if it's not even in the area.  So I think at least I can give them one permanent thing that can relieve their dysphoria.  I hardly know this person, but I do want to be able to help them.  I have other friends online too.  I want to help all of them who are stuck in financial holes, but I need to help myself first.

I get you, I play piano and my parents definitely thought I'd want to do it for a career. But now I'm going to push for a career in academia, and when I'm financially stable enough I'll hold piano concerts to raise money for people - not necessarily charities, because it takes a lot of research to know for sure that money isn't being wasted in a particular organisation, but good organisations and individual funds for people.

 

I do need to plan a lot of other stuff first though - I'm working on my phd thesis, saving up money, going to today start writing up my budget and what I need to pay for with piano and maths tutoring as well as advertise on different platforms, get references together, resources together, lesson plans and curricula etc,but it's going to be hard because I'm deciding to quit therapy as I could spend that money better elsewhere, and I also need to when it comes to housing search for places I can sublet, else I'll have to pay six months up front. Or find the few rents which don't ask for guarantor. In terms of career plans, I'm planning a postdoc for which I need to contact more researchers, so I can apply for grants in the future, but I might not be successful with it. There's a lot I COULD fail at to be honest, so I really need to start working much harder at it all.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I'm glad that in the middle of trying to pass as male I realised I needed a change. But trying on girl clothes after so long makes me nervous around other people - I  had a cool realisation about genderfluid tricks though xD if you're genderfluid with long hair and feeling dysphoric about it, beanies and other such hats are a good way to feel more comfortable. But if you have short hair at the moment and are having a more female aligned day, really fancy feminine hats help with that dysphoria. ^_^

 

I'm also really happy to be at the stage where when I do wear skirts and such I don't feel bad about my body or hair on legs. My one skirt is around knee length anyway but it did used to make me anxious!

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nerdperson777
On 10/29/2019 at 3:34 AM, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

I get you, I play piano and my parents definitely thought I'd want to do it for a career. But now I'm going to push for a career in academia, and when I'm financially stable enough I'll hold piano concerts to raise money for people - not necessarily charities, because it takes a lot of research to know for sure that money isn't being wasted in a particular organisation, but good organisations and individual funds for people.

 

I do need to plan a lot of other stuff first though - I'm working on my phd thesis, saving up money, going to today start writing up my budget and what I need to pay for with piano and maths tutoring as well as advertise on different platforms, get references together, resources together, lesson plans and curricula etc,but it's going to be hard because I'm deciding to quit therapy as I could spend that money better elsewhere, and I also need to when it comes to housing search for places I can sublet, else I'll have to pay six months up front. Or find the few rents which don't ask for guarantor. In terms of career plans, I'm planning a postdoc for which I need to contact more researchers, so I can apply for grants in the future, but I might not be successful with it. There's a lot I COULD fail at to be honest, so I really need to start working much harder at it all.

I played piano too, but I never got to do anything I liked.  My mom just wanted me to play the songs that she wanted.  The goal was to learn a lot of theory and as many songs as possible to show off knowledge.  Classical music is very academic so I was only allowed to play that, and a few pop songs from her favorite decades.  She didn't want me to play songs that I had finished learning because I wouldn't be practicing new pieces.  So then music was just another class to study for, like math and English.  I never really got to enjoy it, but she assumed demi- feelings with time so she made the assumption that I learned to enjoy music.  It took me 10 years before I got to learn a song I personally wanted to learn, and I finished it in 2 hours.  She was wondering how to harness my enthusiasm for the stuff I liked doing, and putting it in the stuff I didn't like doing, so that I'd be better at that.  It took me so long to realize that it was normal to feel unmotivated to do things I didn't like.  So classical only.  I wanted to play game music, but she found that to be low class and too easy, because I needed something sophisticated to show off my skills.  I found a transcription of the main theme from Skyrim that was of a harder difficulty, and she begrudgingly made an exception.  It was a little more of the flow-y variety, which is my more preferred style.  I guess keeping this related to gender, I think I must've tried doing fast stuff to be more masculine, but the slow smooth pieces were more my style.  Maybe related to ASD, but I don't pay attention to tempo or dynamics very much.  I am literally just playing notes.  When a song slows down, I slow down too much.  Pieces that are soft and slow stay that way, and only get loud for a little, if the music calls for it.  Only if I really pay attention to those notations on the page, it'll change just that time I play it.  I don't keep a beat either, unless I'm totally concentrated on it.

 

I should probably try math tutoring, but I'm not confident in my teaching skills, and I probably don't have time to pick up extra things right now.

 

On 10/29/2019 at 3:37 AM, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

I'm glad that in the middle of trying to pass as male I realised I needed a change. But trying on girl clothes after so long makes me nervous around other people - I  had a cool realisation about genderfluid tricks though xD if you're genderfluid with long hair and feeling dysphoric about it, beanies and other such hats are a good way to feel more comfortable. But if you have short hair at the moment and are having a more female aligned day, really fancy feminine hats help with that dysphoria. ^_^

 

I'm also really happy to be at the stage where when I do wear skirts and such I don't feel bad about my body or hair on legs. My one skirt is around knee length anyway but it did used to make me anxious!

I remember seeing a post of someone with two pictures next to each other.  It was them as the two binary genders.  It actually takes a moment for people to realize that it's the same person and not just siblings or different gendered twins.  I recall seeing long hair in the girl version and the boy version was hair tucked under the beanie.

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DuranDuranfan
28 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I remember seeing a post of someone with two pictures next to each other.  It was them as the two binary genders.  It actually takes a moment for people to realize that it's the same person and not just siblings or different gendered twins.  I recall seeing long hair in the girl version and the boy version was hair tucked under the beanie.

I think I know exactly which picture you’re referring to. I’ve seen it as well.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I played piano too, but I never got to do anything I liked.  My mom just wanted me to play the songs that she wanted.  The goal was to learn a lot of theory and as many songs as possible to show off knowledge.  Classical music is very academic so I was only allowed to play that, and a few pop songs from her favorite decades.  She didn't want me to play songs that I had finished learning because I wouldn't be practicing new pieces.  So then music was just another class to study for, like math and English.  I never really got to enjoy it, but she assumed demi- feelings with time so she made the assumption that I learned to enjoy music.  It took me 10 years before I got to learn a song I personally wanted to learn, and I finished it in 2 hours.  She was wondering how to harness my enthusiasm for the stuff I liked doing, and putting it in the stuff I didn't like doing, so that I'd be better at that.  It took me so long to realize that it was normal to feel unmotivated to do things I didn't like.  So classical only.  I wanted to play game music, but she found that to be low class and too easy, because I needed something sophisticated to show off my skills.  I found a transcription of the main theme from Skyrim that was of a harder difficulty, and she begrudgingly made an exception.  It was a little more of the flow-y variety, which is my more preferred style.  I guess keeping this related to gender, I think I must've tried doing fast stuff to be more masculine, but the slow smooth pieces were more my style.  Maybe related to ASD, but I don't pay attention to tempo or dynamics very much.  I am literally just playing notes.  When a song slows down, I slow down too much.  Pieces that are soft and slow stay that way, and only get loud for a little, if the music calls for it.  Only if I really pay attention to those notations on the page, it'll change just that time I play it.  I don't keep a beat either, unless I'm totally concentrated on it.

Sorry to hear that, I'd say it'll get easier to work out which skills you want to maintain or not once you're away from your parents for several years as an adult. You need time to work through trauma.

I didn't come back to it because it brought me lots of joy as a child, it just happens to be an easier way to make money. Autism, executive dysfunction, auditory processing issues, all that stuff. My playing nowadays is based on completely different memories to when I was a kid, because that was just generally a traumatic time for me. Going to uni, transitioning and cutting ties with family helps.

Also your parents do not understand music at all and I would shout at your mom for you if I was there. Piano teachers HATE excessively involved parents.

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nerdperson777
10 hours ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

Sorry to hear that, I'd say it'll get easier to work out which skills you want to maintain or not once you're away from your parents for several years as an adult. You need time to work through trauma.

I didn't come back to it because it brought me lots of joy as a child, it just happens to be an easier way to make money. Autism, executive dysfunction, auditory processing issues, all that stuff. My playing nowadays is based on completely different memories to when I was a kid, because that was just generally a traumatic time for me. Going to uni, transitioning and cutting ties with family helps.

Also your parents do not understand music at all and I would shout at your mom for you if I was there. Piano teachers HATE excessively involved parents.

Yeah, I stopped playing about 2-3 years ago because I found that I was only playing for the approval of others, just to brag about my skills.  I didn't want to play unless I was playing for myself, so I stopped.  I did enjoy playing for myself for a couple months, but that was it.  Whenever I played for myself then, my mom would make a request or suggestion and then expect it so there was no point.  Plus when I messed up, she would make a sound across the house because she knew I missed a note or something.

 

I only realized in retrospect the last sentence there.  I had two teachers during my time at the piano.  The first one was just someone who was starting out so she did a lot to make sure she had a student base.  For one thing, she had lower prices, which may have been why my mom went with her, as my mom is a cheapskate, which she would never admit to.  When the piano facility we went to closed, the teacher would drive to her students' houses to teach us.  I wouldn't have realized how much it would take to drive to teach.  I guess she didn't want to lose students so she just went along with what my mom wanted, which was learning all those songs and theory.  I didn't realize until we went to a recital that my two cousins were also taking lessons from her.  Their parents didn't really have that high expectations for them.  They had more freedom, got whatever they asked for (including over a thousand games and almost every game console while my parents said me having ten games was too much), and learned music for fun.  They didn't have to learn theory, just play good songs.  Even their mom learned briefly, having the ability to play Fur Elise.

When I was finishing middle school, the teacher decided to become a stay-at-home mom for her three children and she "gave" us to an older, more experienced woman.  She was more opinionated about things and really wanted me to have fun with my music, which I didn't understand at the time.  During my first couple lessons at her house, my mom sat right in front of the piano, not even three feet, watching us.  I remember her laughing at me when the teacher made a harsh correction of what I didn't do during my practice.  Then there were times when my mom presented me songs that she wanted me to play for her.  I would show these songs to my teacher and she wouldn't teach them to me unless I wanted to play them.  My mom would tell me that I needed to tell her that I wanted to play them.  My autistic butt is horrible at lying so that never worked.  I don't think far ahead enough to be able to string together a bunch of lies.  If I really have to lie, they're one or two dots on the string and I put on my clueless face.  Anyway, so naturally, my teacher did not like my mom.  Having known nothing else but my mom's POV, I thought my teacher was just being hard to work with.  I did present that one song that I learned in 2 hours to my teacher once.  It was from a video game and had an obscure title out of context.  Good thing I didn't write the lyrics on that copy, as that would've been worse.  But she only went over that song with me once and never again.

Then soon I was going off to college.  I kept taking lessons until the end of summer.  One of the last things she told me was that she was glad I was going to a school out of the area because I needed to "go out and see the world".  I'm an introvert who isn't much of a traveler, also due to family traumas, so I didn't really see myself going out too much.  Dang was I wrong.  Within a few months of college, I found out what life was like away from my parents' grasp.  I didn't have to ask their permission for everything I did.  I started exercising regularly, so now I have huge chunky thighs.  I told my new college friend that I was feeling like a child again (around the same age as when I started piano lessons really) because I was experiencing things for the first time that I should've experienced at the early elementary school age.  I learned that there was more to life than just studying 24/7.  Of course I didn't understand time management, as it used to be 100% studying, so I took too many breaks.  Halfway through my second year, I was having gender identity issues.  Research in that led to knowing about the struggles of minorities.  Maybe it's just the group I hang out with, but they are aware that the government isn't there to really help minorities, but rather keep them in their place, and anti-police stuff or whatever.  The world is nothing like what my parents told me.  They live in a straightforward binary world, ignoring the actual problems going on.  They didn't really care that I was having mental issues as long as my grades stayed up.  (Almost dropped out really.)  Getting a degree isn't a pass to a high income job.  It means nothing without life experience, which I had practically none of, since I stayed home studying all the time.  I didn't have any internships, as I was just trying to graduate, which mom tells me later I should've had, when she previously told me to concentrate on studying.  She didn't even want me to have a minor, because it would distract from my major.  I still did my minor anyway, but she only saw it as free A's to boost my grade.  Actually, my minor is relevant.  I got my minor in theatre.  I treated it more like a psychology class because even characters had complexities, not the straightforward kind that my parents told me about.  The question to conflicts like is that character lying ends up being "it could be".  I started even answering real life situations with "it could be".  I worked on a play that could've been me, had I been a cishet girl.  The name was the same, with the same spelling, same topic of study.  So she had this groundbreaking discovery in a notebook she had.  Her dad was a genius before he started going senile.  This guy who worked under her dad found the notebook and she claimed that it was her work.  It seems more likely to him and her sister that her dad did it, even if he was going downhill.  Whether it was really her work or not, she had to really sell the idea.  So when I played the character, I had to believe that I did it.  So "I could be" and so I acted that way.  Saying everything "could be" just opened my life opportunities rather than just deciding that I just suck at it before trying.  This feels kind of rambly now so I'm a much more aware person than I was when I graduated high school.  Life isn't as straightforward as I was told it was.  There are problems out there that don't have an answer yet, and the process can be different for each person.  Not everyone has the same life path.  This was what my piano teacher wanted me to learn.  And I had to live my life on my own terms, not on my family's.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

@nerdperson777 that's awesome ❤️  I forgot what age you are, and got caught up in past stuff myself, but distance from family makes such a huge difference. I hope you get as much independence and control of your life back from them as you personally want, so you can enjoy things more.

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nerdperson777
7 hours ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

@nerdperson777 that's awesome ❤️  I forgot what age you are, and got caught up in past stuff myself, but distance from family makes such a huge difference. I hope you get as much independence and control of your life back from them as you personally want, so you can enjoy things more.

It's on my profile, but the gist is that I've been out of college for a few years.  More of the ASD part, but I am finding lately that I'm feeling my mental age growing again.  I had been feeling 15 the past couple years but possibly stuck with adulting has aged me a little again.  It might also be my faulty memory, but I was totally intending to visit my university within a few years of graduating, for the one club I was a part of.  But right now, it feels like even if I went back, I wouldn't recognize much of anyone since the freshmen I knew are probably graduated at this point, and I've felt out of touch with the people there.  I'm starting to not remember my college experiences to able to be proud of my time, so I wonder if my age is hitting post college stage where I don't feel that connected with it anymore.

 

I have now moved out and I've been feeling better not being subject to their thoughts and opinion all the time.  I still visit for dinner enough to be affected though.  I come because I'm not making enough out of my two part time jobs so I need free food to survive.  If I just worked full time, I probably wouldn't have this issue, but I don't think I can take it.  40 hours seems a lot of a week to spend working.  I'm just exhausted, I don't know.

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On 10/21/2019 at 11:46 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I got similar feelings.  My mom does financial stuff for her career and is the stingiest person I know.  In her name, if you put one of those words with another, it makes the phrase for cheap.  She denies being cheap.  I learned how to be cheap from her, only spending on essentials, nothing for personal enjoyment, because I always learned that that didn't matter.  There's no such thing as treating myself because it costs more than it needs to be.  To allow for indulgences is vulnerability, which she won't have.  But I've been treating myself lately, even if I don't have the money to keep up with it all.  I tell myself that I'm allowed to have nice things.  And then mom will shame me for it.

 

My roommates are all members of the community so we express ourselves how we like.  Our internet is called "NoCissies" so we are all defying our expected gender roles.  None of us are straight either.

 

I care about others and want to make sure they are happy, but I can't really do that myself unless I make more money so that I'm comfortable myself first.  I would one day like to foster trans youth and support their medical transition.  There's a parent I met online who is stuck in a rut.  They're disabled and they and their kids are autistic.  The partner is the sole breadwinner I think, since they find it hard to even go outside.  I constantly read posts about their physical and emotional pain and needing donations to even survive.

I would like to be able to pay for their top surgery when I'm able.  I know that they live in a conservative area where there are no nearby endocrinologists, no place that with let them transition on insurance.  So it would be hard to get them T if it's not even in the area.  So I think at least I can give them one permanent thing that can relieve their dysphoria.  I hardly know this person, but I do want to be able to help them.  I have other friends online too.  I want to help all of them who are stuck in financial holes, but I need to help myself first.

NoCissies? That sound very interesting. I wanna go on that site later.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
15 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

It's on my profile, but the gist is that I've been out of college for a few years.  More of the ASD part, but I am finding lately that I'm feeling my mental age growing again.  I had been feeling 15 the past couple years but possibly stuck with adulting has aged me a little again.  It might also be my faulty memory, but I was totally intending to visit my university within a few years of graduating, for the one club I was a part of.  But right now, it feels like even if I went back, I wouldn't recognize much of anyone since the freshmen I knew are probably graduated at this point, and I've felt out of touch with the people there.  I'm starting to not remember my college experiences to able to be proud of my time, so I wonder if my age is hitting post college stage where I don't feel that connected with it anymore.

 

I have now moved out and I've been feeling better not being subject to their thoughts and opinion all the time.  I still visit for dinner enough to be affected though.  I come because I'm not making enough out of my two part time jobs so I need free food to survive.  If I just worked full time, I probably wouldn't have this issue, but I don't think I can take it.  40 hours seems a lot of a week to spend working.  I'm just exhausted, I don't know.

Hugs if wanted 😕 yeah the working to sustain yourself thing is hard. If I do piano teaching and make enough to pay for a £400 rent I need to have built up enough students to have at least 7hrs a week teaching them, and for ASD that's good because I don't need so much time around other people, but then there's the lesson prep work and intense travelling likely involved and so it feels a bit much for my mental health. I'm lucky that I have a year of phd funded time left before needing it but after that am on my own(except for working and struggling friends xD).

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nerdperson777
11 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

NoCissies? That sound very interesting. I wanna go on that site later.

It started out as me naming our messenger group "Not Cissies" and I guess it got taken as our internet name.  But our network is hidden/private so our neighbors aren't going to look through all the wireless network names and wonder what NoCissies is.

 

1 hour ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

Hugs if wanted 😕 yeah the working to sustain yourself thing is hard. If I do piano teaching and make enough to pay for a £400 rent I need to have built up enough students to have at least 7hrs a week teaching them, and for ASD that's good because I don't need so much time around other people, but then there's the lesson prep work and intense travelling likely involved and so it feels a bit much for my mental health. I'm lucky that I have a year of phd funded time left before needing it but after that am on my own(except for working and struggling friends xD).

I pay $550 just for my portion of the rent.  And I'm already paying very little since the friend who makes more offered to pay more in order to get us out of our parents' homes.  One of my struggles would be the human interaction and I'll probably be awkward with the students, and if they're kids, their parents too.  Personal tutors like these can make a lot per hour definitely.  When I was in school, I would volunteer at schools being the TA for math classes.  The teachers often praised me for being able to work 1 on 1 with students who were falling behind.  I always found that easier than teaching a class with more students.  But this past week, I took someone's private lesson for martial arts since the usual coach was still recovering from something most people consider minor.  He was out for a whole week and when I had mine, I was fine after a day or two.  But that was the first time I taught a private lesson.  I felt like I wasn't sure what else to make the student do.  It was only 30 minutes but I was trying to figure out how to make time go faster.  Perhaps it was because it was a different topic.  I'm good enough at martial arts that I can teach it, but I struggle with the art portion.  Sure I made sure the student got all the moves correct, but I didn't know what else I could do to make him better.  I can't just expect professional quality when that's not their goal.  I mostly added a few extra details to things, like where he should look when doing the movements.  So now I guess I feel kind of glad that I don't get assigned martial arts private lessons.  Math is probably easier because all they need to know at the lower levels is how to use what they learned to get the answer.  I don't have to come up with some super complicated way for the student to get to the same answer.

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Guest

Despite having dysphoria about my gender sometimes when i feel non-binary/genderless. I also have a race dysphoria(which means that i’m sometimes uncomfortable with my skin color, and which i have now). This one is kind of weird, and many would say, come on you got to love your skin color, everyone is equal in their own way and everyone is beautiful on the inside and the outside. And i do believe in that absolutely.. But when both of my dysphorias hits it’s a painful and sad struggle. 

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PoeciMeta

Seriously is there a way to remove the curves and make the hips narrow again besides hacking at them with an axe? 

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Bloc

Hormones determine the fat distribution. So with testosterone your fat will likely move from the hips and breast to the belly. However bones will not change after you have finished growing and the mammary glands will not shrink as far as I know.

 

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DuranDuranfan
2 hours ago, Bloc said:

Hormones determine the fat distribution. So with testosterone your fat will likely move from the hips and breast to the belly. However bones will not change after you have finished growing and the mammary glands will not shrink as far as I know.

 

Yeah but as soon as you stop taking it, the fat redistribution reverts back to “feminine”. So you’d probably be on it permanently to keep your body fat redistribution looking masculine. It’s why I’m hesitant to microdose T sometimes. I mean, I wouldn’t mind it giving me a slightly lower voice, a bigger clit, and muscle, but I’d have to stay on it in order for my body to maintain its masculine look, when I only want it to look in between masculine and feminine. I don’t want my clitoris to be too big or my voice too low. Plus I’m not sure where the excess hair will sprout. That’s another effect of T.

 

And I have enough fat around my belly already. I don’t need more.

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PoeciMeta

Yeah but I don't want the T! I don't want extra hair or lower voice or *gagging noises* bottom growth... I'd want no sex hormone at all if it were possible... T-T

Guess my only options are surgical... 

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nerdperson777
On 12/13/2019 at 10:35 PM, Cocothecoconut said:

Despite having dysphoria about my gender sometimes when i feel non-binary/genderless. I also have a race dysphoria(which means that i’m sometimes uncomfortable with my skin color, and which i have now). This one is kind of weird, and many would say, come on you got to love your skin color, everyone is equal in their own way and everyone is beautiful on the inside and the outside. And i do believe in that absolutely.. But when both of my dysphorias hits it’s a painful and sad struggle. 

That's valid.  Dysphoria comes in different kinds.  There was a time that I was looking up how to make a male butt smaller.  I only came across forums where some girls said that women like guys with big butts so he should embrace his butt.  Totally didn't solve anything, just telling people to just accept what they have.

 

On 12/14/2019 at 10:13 AM, NoelciMeta said:

Seriously is there a way to remove the curves and make the hips narrow again besides hacking at them with an axe? 

I guess that's the body equivalent to facial feminization surgery.  My friend had her huge jaws cut down to make a much rounder face.  She showed me pictures of the jaw bones that got chopped off.

 

On 12/15/2019 at 3:16 AM, NoelciMeta said:

Yeah but I don't want the T! I don't want extra hair or lower voice or *gagging noises* bottom growth... I'd want no sex hormone at all if it were possible... T-T

Guess my only options are surgical... 

For me personally, I never really look down there.  Just one day after a couple months, I took a look and thought, "oh that's big."  I don't have much of a reason to look.  My second best sense is touch behind eyesight so in the shower I just use that sense to make sure that area is clean.  I get that it can bother people to have growth, but I guess I have no actual genital dysphoria so it doesn't really matter to me.  I don't desire a penis nor want to destroy my current parts.  I can't see where the vagina is from any angle unless I laid down with it facing the mirror.  A uterus is in the body and I would only want to be rid of it to not need to carry babies.

I'm also indifferent to extra hair I think.  It would be nice to not have hair again so it's nice and smooth like I was before, but I guess I have fluctuating feelings about masculinity affirmation when it comes to hair and voice.  My voice is a "both/all" thing while I can't exactly do that with hair.  I can shave but it'll come back in a week.  Facial hair is just for playing with and causes distraction to me.  I guess I'm just lucky for feeling whatever about these parts so that I'd be content with T.

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PoeciMeta
9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I guess that's the body equivalent to facial feminization surgery.  My friend had her huge jaws cut down to make a much rounder face.  She showed me pictures of the jaw bones that got chopped off.

I dearly hope this even exists. 

That said, I know of someone who had pieces of her skull cut out and rearranged so in theory it should be possible.

 

I can't count on fat redistribution from T because I know I only want the stuff that reverses back when you interrupt it and don't want the definitive stuff. 

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Laurann
11 hours ago, NoelciMeta said:

I dearly hope this even exists. 

Unfortunately I read that surgically altering hip bone structure is still too risky. Maybe in the future?

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Celyn
8 hours ago, Laurann said:

Unfortunately I read that surgically altering hip bone structure is still too risky. Maybe in the future?

I think it will definitely be a possibility in the future.

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PoeciMeta
13 hours ago, Laurann said:

Unfortunately I read that surgically altering hip bone structure is still too risky. Maybe in the future?

I hope so, yes... 

I've also read that high, female estrogen levels maintain the hip bone width; and when they decrease (in ageing women, and especially with menopause) the hip bone shrinks back to a more 'male' size, as it's better suited to walking and running and there's no more use for the well-named child-bearing hips... but that's very long term, as in decades. 

I need to see what are the options hormonally. 

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ColeHW34

I mean if 3d printing could get to that point where you could progressively chip away at the hip bone and make molds of either synthetic calcium rich bone like filament or something like that.

 

But that's not the only use for it you could potentially make portions of bones thinner, thicker, shorter or longer.

How that'll work out and minimize complications would be a challenge though.

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DolphinLover22

I have a question... I have pretty average disphoria for a trans guy, like with my chest and being called girl and bathrooms and such. My question I guess might be a bit TMI, but does anyone else have disphoria when it comes to using the restroom? I mean, I've never felt comfortable peeing sitting down. Has anyone else experienced this type of disphoria, and what did you do about it? Thanks!

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PoeciMeta
4 hours ago, ColeHW34 said:

I mean if 3d printing could get to that point where you could progressively chip away at the hip bone and make molds of either synthetic calcium rich bone like filament or something like that.

 

But that's not the only use for it you could potentially make portions of bones thinner, thicker, shorter or longer.

How that'll work out and minimize complications would be a challenge though.

That made me think of an experiment with stem cells that could regrow tooth tissue. If given a frame, slightly differentiated stem cells could grow into tissue of any shape. But then, this tissue would probably also be affected by hormones, and it would be at best useless long-term, at worst dangerous... I can't wait for scientists to figure it out. If we go into science fiction though, my best bet would be 'sex neutral hormones', which have the effects T and E have in common (notably on bone density) but lacking the sex-specific effects. That would simply be perfect. 

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