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Different Dysphorias


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Janus the Fox

As a Fox I’m already running Cat software with Dog hardware.  The hardware just needs to be a little more Cat.

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Lucky Black Cat

Recently I finally decided to cut my hair short to appear less feminine... and my feelings of gender dysphoria got worse.

I couldn't figure out why until I looked down.

It turns out that because my long hair covered my chest, I'd filtered out the fact I had breasts...

 

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59 minutes ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

Recently I finally decided to cut my hair short to appear less feminine... and my feelings of gender dysphoria got worse.

I couldn't figure out why until I looked down.

It turns out that because my long hair covered my chest, I'd filtered out the fact I had breasts...

 

I'm sorry to hear that :(

I want my hair to be shorter, but I can't afford risking to show my binder... I'm starting to resent having to wear it, as great as it was when I first got it. It doesn't even bind all that well anymore... 

 

Useless ramblings, please ignore

Spoiler

I spend more and more time researching about the surgeries I want, and I'm getting restless. My psychiatrist is helpless in front of my depression which won't go away no matter which pill he gives me, and I want to tell him and everyone that I know what I need and I hate myself for not allowing him to help me properly, but I can't. I can't talk about gender things. I can't speak about my body. I can't utter the word 'body'. I have tried, I have gone mute. I'm growing more and more desperate about doing something about it, anything, because there's only so much coping strategies can do, I feel impatient and terrified before each session, and I punch myself internally after them because once again I didn't even come close to disclosing what's really bothering me. I'm waiting for psychiatrists to guess instead of being honest with them, and the clock is ticking. I hate myself. 

 

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Lucky Black Cat
5 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

I want my hair to be shorter, but I can't afford risking to show my binder... I'm starting to resent having to wear it, as great as it was when I first got it. It doesn't even bind all that well anymore... 

 

Useless ramblings, please ignore

  Reveal hidden contents

I spend more and more time researching about the surgeries I want, and I'm getting restless. My psychiatrist is helpless in front of my depression which won't go away no matter which pill he gives me, and I want to tell him and everyone that I know what I need and I hate myself for not allowing him to help me properly, but I can't. I can't talk about gender things. I can't speak about my body. I can't utter the word 'body'. I have tried, I have gone mute. I'm growing more and more desperate about doing something about it, anything, because there's only so much coping strategies can do, I feel impatient and terrified before each session, and I punch myself internally after them because once again I didn't even come close to disclosing what's really bothering me. I'm waiting for psychiatrists to guess instead of being honest with them, and the clock is ticking. I hate myself. 

 

I've found my binder feels too restricting half the time, and even my sports bra can feel overwhelming at times.... I'm glad my chest didn't really develop all that much but at the same time I want to be completely flat...

 

*some randomness* 

Spoiler

Whenever I've needed to go to doctors for stuff I've always had to go with someone... or I don't go at all. I get very anxious when interacting with people, especially when I have to talk about myself. My dad has ended up speaking for me these days, as I'm pretty much incapable of telling anyone anything, and he finally brought up gender to my doctor. I've found having someone I trust to speak for me helps... I'd probably still be curled up crying in a corner otherwise. 

 

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50 minutes ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I've found my binder feels too restricting half the time, and even my sports bra can feel overwhelming at times.... I'm glad my chest didn't really develop all that much but at the same time I want to be completely flat...

 

*some randomness* 

  Hide contents

Whenever I've needed to go to doctors for stuff I've always had to go with someone... or I don't go at all. I get very anxious when interacting with people, especially when I have to talk about myself. My dad has ended up speaking for me these days, as I'm pretty much incapable of telling anyone anything, and he finally brought up gender to my doctor. I've found having someone I trust to speak for me helps... I'd probably still be curled up crying in a corner otherwise. 

 

Same here. I'm more or less used to it because I have to, but I want to be able to have nothing. In hot weather, it's just horrible - to quote Jamie Raines, I feel like a lit candle. Yet I wear it, because as small as my fat bags are, they're still just here. 

 

*Disorganised blabbering*

Spoiler

I barely ever have the choice with doctors. My parents do have to come, but I always have to speak to the doctor alone at some point. It's hard. Most of the time I stare at the ground and answer just yes or no, when I can speak at all - which stops being the case when bodily issues are mentioned. In most social situations, my parents end up doing the talking for me because the more stressed I am, the less articulate I become - haha autism. So I feel completely unable to tell ANYONE about these things, about how I feel about my gender, no matter who it is and how much I trust them. I tried several times to come out to my absolute best friend who is completely trustworthy and tolerant and not judging at all and I never dared. Even if I did tell them, it's not like I can drag them to the capital to see my psychiatrist for me. And my family... they're good people, but... 

 

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Lucky Black Cat
3 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

Same here. I'm more or less used to it because I have to, but I want to be able to have nothing. In hot weather, it's just horrible - to quote Jamie Raines, I feel like a lit candle. Yet I wear it, because as small as my fat bags are, they're still just here. 

 

*Disorganised blabbering*

  Reveal hidden contents

I barely ever have the choice with doctors. My parents do have to come, but I always have to speak to the doctor alone at some point. It's hard. Most of the time I stare at the ground and answer just yes or no, when I can speak at all - which stops being the case when bodily issues are mentioned. In most social situations, my parents end up doing the talking for me because the more stressed I am, the less articulate I become - haha autism. So I feel completely unable to tell ANYONE about these things, about how I feel about my gender, no matter who it is and how much I trust them. I tried several times to come out to my absolute best friend who is completely trustworthy and tolerant and not judging at all and I never dared. Even if I did tell her, it's not like I can drag them to the capital to see my psychiatrist for me. And my family... they're good people, but... 

 

I just can't deal with binders... If I really hate my chest, I'll wear one, but otherwise I try and get by without. Either way stresses me out in some way, I feel like everything is too tight or I have to deal with the fact my chest has lumps.....

 

*more randomness*

Spoiler

I've found when I'm expected to speak and I can't, I'll stare at a corner and generally zone out. Or say 'I don't know'.... which is great.....

While the people closest to me know about my gender, I only trust my dad to really speak to (my mum... I just can't...). I discovered that I was agender after a rather .... uh .... 'fun' (ahahahah) .... couple of years, and it just came out. It was the only thing I was really certain of at that point, and I wanted people to know. 

 

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1 minute ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I just can't deal with binders... If I really hate my chest, I'll wear one, but otherwise I try and get by without. Either way stresses me out in some way, I feel like everything is too tight or I have to deal with the fact my chest has lumps.....

 

*more randomness*

  Hide contents

I've found when I'm expected to speak and I can't, I'll stare at a corner and generally zone out. Or say 'I don't know'.... which is great.....

While the people closest to me know about my gender, I only trust my dad to really speak to (my mum... I just can't...). I discovered that I was agender after a rather .... uh .... 'fun' (ahahahah) .... couple of years, and it just came out. It was the only thing I was really certain of at that point, and I wanted people to know. 

 

I can't go without. No bloody way. I'll be flat no matter what. Even if my chest starts to hurt sometimes. 

 

*Pointless nonsense*

Spoiler

Same... ''I don't know'' has become a default answer... what else can I say in these situations? 

Eh, I wish there really were people I'm close to. It's not that I hate my family, I just don't want to speak to them about such personal issues. If I didn't need them to know to be able to transition, I don't think I would ever tell them anything. That's none of their business, they would just make a fuss over it and I really don't need anything more to deal with. I guess there's still my friend, but... I told you, I don't dare, and besides what for. After all, I endure it since the very start of puberty, why change now... would they even believe me... I should have told them then, but I stupidly tried to hide the puberty itself... now it's too late for many things. 

And what's still possible is inaccessible until I manage to actually get my lazy cowardly self to just spill it out. But I don't even have the words. AAAAHHH I'm so SICK

I'm sorry I'm making you listen to that poorly-worded self-pitying vent, Cat. 

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Lucky Black Cat
4 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

I can't go without. No bloody way. I'll be flat no matter what. Even if my chest starts to hurt sometimes. 

 

*Pointless nonsense*

  Reveal hidden contents

Same... ''I don't know'' has become a default answer... what else can I say in these situations? 

Eh, I wish there really were people I'm close to. It's not that I hate my family, I just don't want to speak to them about such personal issues. If I didn't need them to know to be able to transition, I don't think I would ever tell them anything. That's none of their business, they would just make a fuss over it and I really don't need anything more to deal with. I guess there's still my friend, but... I told you, I don't dare, and besides what for. After all, I endure it since the very start of puberty, why change now... would they even believe me... I should have told them then, but I stupidly tried to hide the puberty itself... now it's too late for many things. 

And what's still possible is inaccessible until I manage to actually get my lazy cowardly self to just spill it out. But I don't even have the words. AAAAHHH I'm so SICK

I'm sorry I'm making you listen to that poorly-worded self-pitying vent, Cat. 

I try and hide any sort of curves I have with baggy clothes when I can't bind. I tend to wear guys clothes and they are normally loose fitting for me as I'm quite small. 

 

*random randomness*

Spoiler

I found out about my gender way after puberty (looking back there were many signs that I wasn't female). Honestly I didn't think about things being different because surely everyone else felt the same way I did. I was pretty ignorant about puberty when my body started developing. The first I knew about it was my mum telling me my breasts were growing (that was awful.. I still remember the horror I felt about that).

I found people were generally accepting of my gender when I told them after I explained it in detail. For me it was just easier for people to know, and made me more comfortable with who I was as I no longer had to be female to them. 

Don't worry about it, Poeci. Vent away, it's good to say what's on your mind ^^ 

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1 hour ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I try and hide any sort of curves I have with baggy clothes when I can't bind. I tend to wear guys clothes and they are normally loose fitting for me as I'm quite small. 

 

*random randomness*

  Reveal hidden contents

I found out about my gender way after puberty (looking back there were many signs that I wasn't female). Honestly I didn't think about things being different because surely everyone else felt the same way I did. I was pretty ignorant about puberty when my body started developing. The first I knew about it was my mum telling me my breasts were growing (that was awful.. I still remember the horror I felt about that).

I found people were generally accepting of my gender when I told them after I explained it in detail. For me it was just easier for people to know, and made me more comfortable with who I was as I no longer had to be female to them. 

Don't worry about it, Poeci. Vent away, it's good to say what's on your mind ^^ 

I only ever wear guy clothes these days... I may be lucky with my chest, but my waist/hip ratio is more problematic... that means I can't find button-down shirts that fit me and it's sad. 

 

*Inarticulate rant*

Spoiler

I don't know when I really found out, I always knew I wanted to get rid of some things... when I found out about non-binary, I may have felt, probably, envious? I didn't make the link with my own gender until later, despite binding unsafely since I got breasts, basically, and following the advice of trans youtubers to bind slightly-less-unsafely. Then I thought I was a guy, and got dysphoria by proxy by imagining being like these people who surgically acquired male parts. Typical, I guess. So I gave up on being a guy, thought that I wouldn't be able to get the surgeries I planned since I was 12 as a cis girl, and I basically gave up. That might actually have been better, because since I know exactly what I can do and what I want to do, 'waiting' (actually, not doing anything) is agonising and I'm trapped between dysphoria and having to come out. Everyone thinks they found the root of my depression with my new autism diagnosis, but no, I don't care about that, it's distracting you from the real problem (which I'm not even sure it is the root...) and I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously, and I'm clinging to the hope that someone, somewhere will know about the correlation with and the symptoms of gender dysphoria, because I can say 'yes', but I don't have the strength to explain it to someone who has no idea. 

 

Edit, because I don't want to double post: (mis)communication has always been a problem, especially with my family and especially about... problems. My mum found out I started having my periods when she found a heap of blood-stained, rotting clothes (not joking) I've been hiding away for several months before I had an opportunity to wash them or get rid of them. I'll let you imagine the subsequent conversation... 

Thank you, it does feel good to put words on these things u_u

Hey, looks like we're appropriating a thread again. We seem to be good at that. 

Edited by PoeciMeta
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Lucky Black Cat
7 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

I only ever wear guy clothes these days... I may be lucky with my chest, but my waist/hip ratio is more problematic... that means I can't find button-down shirts that fit me and it's sad. 

 

*Inarticulate rant*

  Reveal hidden contents

I don't know when I really found out, I always knew I wanted to get rid of some things... when I found out about non-binary, I may have felt, probably, envious? I didn't make the link with my own gender until later, despite binding unsafely since I got breasts, basically, and following the advice of trans youtubers to bind slightly-less-unsafely. Then I thought I was a guy, and got dysphoria by proxy by imagining being like these people who surgically acquired male parts. Typical, I guess. So I gave up on being a guy, thought that I wouldn't be able to get the surgeries I planned since I was 12 as a cis girl, and I basically gave up. That might actually have been better, because since I know exactly what I can do and what I want to do, 'waiting' (actually, not doing anything) is agonising and I'm trapped between dysphoria and having to come out. Everyone thinks they found the root of my depression with my new autism diagnosis, but no, I don't care about that, it's distracting you from the real problem (which I'm not even sure it is the root...) and I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously, and I'm clinging to the hope that someone, somewhere will know about the correlation with and the symptoms of gender dysphoria, because I can say 'yes', but I don't have the strength to explain it to someone who has no idea. 

 

Edit, because I don't want to double post: (mis)communication has always been a problem, especially with my family and especially about... problems. My mum found out I started having my periods when she found a heap of blood-stained, rotting clothes (not joking) I've been hiding away for several months before I had an opportunity to wash them or get rid of them. I'll let you imagine the subsequent conversation... 

Thank you, it does feel good to put words on these things u_u

Hey, looks like we're appropriating a thread again. We seem to be good at that. 

I found after wearing guy clothes I felt more comfortable. Luckily my figure is pretty much a straight line, which is weird as most of the females in my family have large hips.

 

*some more randomness*

Spoiler

So for me growing up there really wasn't anything on gender. It just wasn't something people knew about or ever talked about. I did at some point find out about transgender and did sometimes think 'am I a guy?', but that didn't really seem right so I stuck with 'I'm a girl'. At school I always used to wear a second layer of clothes under my uniform to try and hide my shape as much as possible (physical education was hell, I was so uncomfortable changing in a room of girls....). It was so much later that I found the term agender and connected it to myself as 'yes, this is what I am'.

For the last couple of years for me, people have been trying to figure out why I'm so anxious (medication didn't help at all), and I've been shifted through various areas of the health care system (and wow it seems inefficient). I know I can't blame gender dysphoria on all of it, but it's also something that constantly eats away at me (though I do get anxious about everything, so gender dysphoria is just another brick to the pile of 'what Cat is stressing about'). Gender had to be mentioned to my doctor, who then went on to explain gender dysphoria a little (which I already knew but said 'no' when he asked because that was easier), and referred me to the gender clinic..... with a waiting list of over a year and a half. But that needed some prompt towards it, if nothing had been said, nothing would have happened. I can cope with how my body is, but as time passes I realise more and more that I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling uncomfortable because my body isn't quite right. 

 

... interestingly enough... when my periods started I did something very similar..... I really didn't want to accept my body was changing.......

Speaking about issues is usually a good way to feel a little better, especially to people who experience something similar ^^

And we did. Eheheheh~ oops~ 

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Celyn: The Lutening

*Doesn't have useful advice so joins hug pile*

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Lucky Black Cat

*hugs everyone that wants a hug*  

Thank you~ I needed a hug ^^ 

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3 hours ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I found after wearing guy clothes I felt more comfortable. Luckily my figure is pretty much a straight line, which is weird as most of the females in my family have large hips.

 

*some more randomness*

  Reveal hidden contents

So for me growing up there really wasn't anything on gender. It just wasn't something people knew about or ever talked about. I did at some point find out about transgender and did sometimes think 'am I a guy?', but that didn't really seem right so I stuck with 'I'm a girl'. At school I always used to wear a second layer of clothes under my uniform to try and hide my shape as much as possible (physical education was hell, I was so uncomfortable changing in a room of girls....). It was so much later that I found the term agender and connected it to myself as 'yes, this is what I am'.

For the last couple of years for me, people have been trying to figure out why I'm so anxious (medication didn't help at all), and I've been shifted through various areas of the health care system (and wow it seems inefficient). I know I can't blame gender dysphoria on all of it, but it's also something that constantly eats away at me (though I do get anxious about everything, so gender dysphoria is just another brick to the pile of 'what Cat is stressing about'). Gender had to be mentioned to my doctor, who then went on to explain gender dysphoria a little (which I already knew but said 'no' when he asked because that was easier), and referred me to the gender clinic..... with a waiting list of over a year and a half. But that needed some prompt towards it, if nothing had been said, nothing would have happened. I can cope with how my body is, but as time passes I realise more and more that I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling uncomfortable because my body isn't quite right. 

 

... interestingly enough... when my periods started I did something very similar..... I really didn't want to accept my body was changing.......

Speaking about issues is usually a good way to feel a little better, especially to people who experience something similar ^^

And we did. Eheheheh~ oops~ 

Ooooh, lucky °^° My hips always give my AGAB away no matter what I wear... *cries*

 

*Abstract Nonsense*

Spoiler

Wha, same for the whole first paragraph... at some point in middle school I started changing in the bathroom for PE, partly because I never accepted to wear a bra... I remember once (around 12 years old) starting to cry in the changing room, spluttering to my then 'friends' that I would have my breasts and uterus removed when I was older, to be met with the 'you can't it's not natural' discourse. Oh yeah, I didn't have any friend in middle school. Since I always hide my problems to everyone, I somehow managed to keep it inside until last Christmas when the situation became dangerous. Now, after being taken out of school, two stays in the hospital and one type of pill per visit to the psychiatrist, I'm going to be thrown back into reality with no improvement to my depression, a diagnosis I don't care about and may mislead everyone and no one has a clue what's really going on except me. I had hoped that at least I would have started some kind of process by the time I got back to school, because I don't see how I could carry on there otherwise (it's the kind of super competitive school with a 3 hour exam every Saturday). I'm afraid I'll fail again, waste another year, and this time that school probably won't accept me back. I know exactly what I have to do to get better, so it's my fault. 

Yeah, it's good to have people who relate to you! Writing is easier than speaking, too, so I'm glad... Aven has become a safe place to me... 

Sorry everyone else~ ^^'

 

32 minutes ago, Celyn said:

*Doesn't have useful advice so joins hug pile*

 

1 hour ago, DuskFire said:

Thank you people *hugs back*

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Lucky Black Cat
19 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

Ooooh, lucky °^° My hips always give my AGAB away no matter what I wear... *cries*

 

*Abstract Nonsense*

  Reveal hidden contents

Wha, same for the whole first paragraph... at some point in middle school I started changing in the bathroom for PE, partly because I never accepted to wear a bra... I remember once (around 12 years old) starting to cry in the changing room, spluttering to my then 'friends' that I would have my breasts and uterus removed when I was older, to be met with the 'you can't it's not natural' discourse. Oh yeah, I didn't have any friend in middle school. Since I always hide my problems to everyone, I somehow managed to keep it inside until last Christmas when the situation became dangerous. Now, after being taken out of school, two stays in the hospital and one type of pill per visit to the psychiatrist, I'm going to be thrown back into reality with no improvement to my depression, a diagnosis I don't care about and may mislead everyone and no one has a clue what's really going on except me. I had hoped that at least I would have started some kind of process by the time I got back to school, because I don't see how I could carry on there otherwise (it's the kind of super competitive school with a 3 hour exam every Saturday). I'm afraid I'll fail again, waste another year, and this time that school probably won't accept me back. I know exactly what I have to do to get better, so it's my fault. 

Yeah, it's good to have people who relate to you! Writing is easier than speaking, too, so I'm glad... Aven has become a safe place to me... 

Sorry everyone else~ ^^'

I've found that wearing leggings under trousers kind of helps... they make me feel like any curves I do have are less there for some reason. 

 

*even more randomness*

Spoiler

There was never an option to change in the bathroom at my school... 

I never told anyone at that point that I was uncomfortable with my body. At all. I just... thought it was normal. 

I ended up doing something a couple of years back which meant I dropped out of the course I was doing (tried to return once, failed, gave up and never returned). Now I generally try to work slowly towards what I know I can cope with, breaking things into small parts and trying to keep everything manageable. Keeping things as a day by day basis, or even hour by hour to make sure I can cope with what is thrown at me. It doesn't always work, but it helps to take a step back and know where your current limit is. I know people want me to work faster at life... but the thing is I can't cope. I tried that and let's just say it didn't end well.

Writing is easier that speaking, but it's still sometimes stressful for me ^^' *generally bad at communication* 

I'm glad I found AVEN. It's a good place for whatever randomness that decides to occur. 

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53 minutes ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I've found that wearing leggings under trousers kind of helps... they make me feel like any curves I do have are less there for some reason. 

 

*even more randomness*

  Reveal hidden contents

There was never an option to change in the bathroom at my school... 

I never told anyone at that point that I was uncomfortable with my body. At all. I just... thought it was normal. 

I ended up doing something a couple of years back which meant I dropped out of the course I was doing (tried to return once, failed, gave up and never returned). Now I generally try to work slowly towards what I know I can cope with, breaking things into small parts and trying to keep everything manageable. Keeping things as a day by day basis, or even hour by hour to make sure I can cope with what is thrown at me. It doesn't always work, but it helps to take a step back and know where your current limit is. I know people want me to work faster at life... but the thing is I can't cope. I tried that and let's just say it didn't end well.

Writing is easier that speaking, but it's still sometimes stressful for me ^^' *generally bad at communication* 

I'm glad I found AVEN. It's a good place for whatever randomness that decides to occur. 

Maybe they squeeze your sides a little? But that's only good in cold weather... T-T

 

*illogical meaninglessness*

Spoiler

I realised it wasn't normal when I heard the girls being glad they already had big breasts at 13. I went WHAAAAAT. (I cried my eyes out when I found out mine were growing.) 

I hear you... I just hope I can keep studying what I like one way or another... but back then I didn't want to, I didn't even try. It seemed so trivial and distant, yet painfully real, it felt unfair I had to be pushed through this. I wanted to keep going because I wasn't. allowed. to. fail, but I ended up just doing what I could to keep myself stable instead of working at all. Of course, that didn't go well either. And you know what, I was gonna say more but I'll stop there and if you want to listen to the rest of my grammatically dubious nonsense, Cat, I'm gonna need a place where not everyone can see it, sorry. 

Haha, I so relate >.>

Agreed ! 

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Lucky Black Cat
7 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

Maybe they squeeze your sides a little? But that's only good in cold weather... T-T

 

*illogical meaninglessness*

  Reveal hidden contents

I realised it wasn't normal when I heard the girls being glad they already had big breasts at 13. I went WHAAAAAT. (I cried my eyes out when I found out mine were growing.) 

I hear you... I just hope I can keep studying what I like one way or another... but back then I didn't want to, I didn't even try. It seemed so trivial and distant, yet painfully real, it felt unfair I had to be pushed through this. I wanted to keep going because I wasn't. allowed. to. fail, but I ended up just doing what I could to keep myself stable instead of working at all. Of course, that didn't go well either. And you know what, I was gonna say more but I'll stop there and if you want to listen to the rest of my grammatically dubious nonsense, Cat, I'm gonna need a place where not everyone can see it, sorry. 

Haha, I so relate >.>

Agreed ! 

I think they do? *wears them all year round, no matter how hot it gets* 

 

*randomness continues*

Spoiler

I thought everyone hated breasts.... 

I can't really study what I want to at the moment. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to pick it up again, but at the moment it isn't possible. I keep doing some research, and buying books on topics I love, but I'm not really studying it.

If you want to talk to me about it you can, Poeci. I may not be great at much, but I can listen if you need it. 

 

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nerdperson777
6 hours ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I found after wearing guy clothes I felt more comfortable. Luckily my figure is pretty much a straight line, which is weird as most of the females in my family have large hips.

 

*some more randomness*

  Hide contents

So for me growing up there really wasn't anything on gender. It just wasn't something people knew about or ever talked about. I did at some point find out about transgender and did sometimes think 'am I a guy?', but that didn't really seem right so I stuck with 'I'm a girl'. At school I always used to wear a second layer of clothes under my uniform to try and hide my shape as much as possible (physical education was hell, I was so uncomfortable changing in a room of girls....). It was so much later that I found the term agender and connected it to myself as 'yes, this is what I am'.

For the last couple of years for me, people have been trying to figure out why I'm so anxious (medication didn't help at all), and I've been shifted through various areas of the health care system (and wow it seems inefficient). I know I can't blame gender dysphoria on all of it, but it's also something that constantly eats away at me (though I do get anxious about everything, so gender dysphoria is just another brick to the pile of 'what Cat is stressing about'). Gender had to be mentioned to my doctor, who then went on to explain gender dysphoria a little (which I already knew but said 'no' when he asked because that was easier), and referred me to the gender clinic..... with a waiting list of over a year and a half. But that needed some prompt towards it, if nothing had been said, nothing would have happened. I can cope with how my body is, but as time passes I realise more and more that I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling uncomfortable because my body isn't quite right. 

 

... interestingly enough... when my periods started I did something very similar..... I really didn't want to accept my body was changing.......

Speaking about issues is usually a good way to feel a little better, especially to people who experience something similar ^^

And we did. Eheheheh~ oops~ 

I did feel like my dysphoria got worse knowing that there was a way to relieve it but not being able to do anything about it.  My bottom dysphoria was definitely through the roof even though I wasn't sure that I wanted to take T.  But knowing that it was an option made me anxious and impatient to better my life.

 

1 hour ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I've found that wearing leggings under trousers kind of helps... they make me feel like any curves I do have are less there for some reason. 

 

*even more randomness*

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There was never an option to change in the bathroom at my school... 

I never told anyone at that point that I was uncomfortable with my body. At all. I just... thought it was normal. 

I ended up doing something a couple of years back which meant I dropped out of the course I was doing (tried to return once, failed, gave up and never returned). Now I generally try to work slowly towards what I know I can cope with, breaking things into small parts and trying to keep everything manageable. Keeping things as a day by day basis, or even hour by hour to make sure I can cope with what is thrown at me. It doesn't always work, but it helps to take a step back and know where your current limit is. I know people want me to work faster at life... but the thing is I can't cope. I tried that and let's just say it didn't end well.

Writing is easier that speaking, but it's still sometimes stressful for me ^^' *generally bad at communication* 

I'm glad I found AVEN. It's a good place for whatever randomness that decides to occur. 

Especially with the talk from cis girls saying that it's normal to hate having boobs, especially when they were too big, or that periods were a hassle.  Then why would this gender be so appealing, I didn't understand back then.

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Celyn: The Lutening
2 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Especially with the talk from cis girls saying that it's normal to hate having boobs, especially when they were too big, or that periods were a hassle.  Then why would this gender be so appealing, I didn't understand back then.

I still don't understand tbh. Why would you want painful bouncy chest lumps, being on the receiving end of sexism and fake pockets?

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Custard Cream
Just now, Celyn said:

I still don't understand tbh. Why would you want painful bouncy chest lumps, being on the receiving end of sexism and fake pockets?

Yeah! It doesn't seem like a good deal. The bouncy chest lumps I can deal with, mostly. The sexism is a universal issue. But fake pockets? Whyyy?

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Lucky Black Cat
9 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Especially with the talk from cis girls saying that it's normal to hate having boobs, especially when they were too big, or that periods were a hassle.  Then why would this gender be so appealing, I didn't understand back then.

*still doesn't really understand why it would ever be appealing* 

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19 minutes ago, Lucky Black Cat said:

I think they do? *wears them all year round, no matter how hot it gets* 

 

*randomness continues*

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I thought everyone hated breasts.... 

I can't really study what I want to at the moment. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to pick it up again, but at the moment it isn't possible. I keep doing some research, and buying books on topics I love, but I'm not really studying it.

If you want to talk to me about it you can, Poeci. I may not be great at much, but I can listen if you need it. 

 

Well, you're one of the brave. *solemn*

 

*Is running out of synonyms*

Spoiler

I hope you can get back to studying what you want one day... in my case, I have a backup solution but I really don't want to use it. 

Thanks, uh... Ehe... I feel awkward... I've written a long long rant and I didn't dare make it public T-T but I've never told anyone about this... it would be nice actually, but I'm too shy *hides face* is it worth a PM or not? I've never dared to send one. 

 

Ooooh, the fake pockets °^° they're so terrible, I'm tempted to forcefully open them every time. 

Then there's the real but tiny pocket you can barely fit your fingers in, which is the epitome of hypocrysy. 

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Lucky Black Cat
23 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

Well, you're one of the brave. *solemn*

 

*Is running out of synonyms*

  Reveal hidden contents

I hope you can get back to studying what you want one day... in my case, I have a backup solution but I really don't want to use it. 

Thanks, uh... Ehe... I feel awkward... I've written a long long rant and I didn't dare make it public T-T but I've never told anyone about this... it would be nice actually, but I'm too shy *hides face* is it worth a PM or not? I've never dared to send one. 

 

Or one of the crazy...... 

 

*randomly random randomness* 

Spoiler

Feel free to PM me if you want to ^^ 

... I've never sent one either ..... social awkwardness is fun. 

 

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Just now, Lucky Black Cat said:

Or one of the crazy...... 

 

*randomly random randomness* 

  Reveal hidden contents

Feel free to PM me if you want to ^^ 

... I've never sent one either ..... social awkwardness is fun. 

 

Yeah, more probably the latter. Welcome to the club... *would wear binder 24/7 if possible*

 

*rdnamseons*

Spoiler

Ehehe, I relate... ._. okay then, thanks a lot... maybe I do need to get some things out... 

 

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nerdperson777
On 8/18/2019 at 6:14 AM, Celyn said:

I still don't understand tbh. Why would you want painful bouncy chest lumps, being on the receiving end of sexism and fake pockets?

I would say these were the major reasons for me not wanting to be female, and growing up I faced a lot of sexism for being female.  The elementary school boys didn't want to play with girls so I got stuck with them, but I wouldn't choose the really girly groups.  My dad would always say that I was weak and shouldn't carry heavy things.  Mom, a person with little muscle, would agree and say "don't be a hero".  Not that I listened, as I wanted to be a hero.  Then I'd carry 50 pounds of pet food or rice into the house.  I've been also to move heavy things long distances without people noticing.  I once inched a heavy bookshelf to the opposite wall because under it hadn't been cleaned for over a decade.  My roommates saw a functional shelf in the dumpster so they asked me for my handtruck and I came back with the shelf.  Then I didn't understand female gendered clothing.  They were often thin, maybe see-through.  What's the point of a jacket if it doesn't keep you warm?  Why pretend to have pockets?

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Hello, yeah, I was looking thru binders on internet and I got myself a sharp dysphoric attack. Like panic attack but more slow and suffocating, or its both. I dunno. What do I do? Everything just feels wrong and gross and its hard to breathe.

I know it will pass before anyone replies, so I just want to know how you deal with your dysphoric episodes. Because waiting it out is painful and more than uncomfy.

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Celyn: The Lutening
7 minutes ago, Keth said:

I just want to know how you deal with your dysphoric episodes.

I usually listen to loud, heavy music. Just kind of, drown it out. Or playing the piano. I can't concentrate on playing and be dysphoric at the same time.

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On 8/21/2019 at 12:49 PM, Celyn said:

I usually listen to loud, heavy music. Just kind of, drown it out. Or playing the piano. I can't concentrate on playing and be dysphoric at the same time.

I force myself to go do something productive.

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On 8/19/2019 at 4:50 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I would say these were the major reasons for me not wanting to be female, and growing up I faced a lot of sexism for being female.  The elementary school boys didn't want to play with girls so I got stuck with them, but I wouldn't choose the really girly groups.  My dad would always say that I was weak and shouldn't carry heavy things.  Mom, a person with little muscle, would agree and say "don't be a hero".  Not that I listened, as I wanted to be a hero.  Then I'd carry 50 pounds of pet food or rice into the house.  I've been also to move heavy things long distances without people noticing.  I once inched a heavy bookshelf to the opposite wall because under it hadn't been cleaned for over a decade.  My roommates saw a functional shelf in the dumpster so they asked me for my handtruck and I came back with the shelf.  Then I didn't understand female gendered clothing.  They were often thin, maybe see-through.  What's the point of a jacket if it doesn't keep you warm?  Why pretend to have pockets?

I envy anyone who can deal with a 50-pound bag of rice.  Even if I were AMAB, I would still probably have trouble with heavy objects- my dad and brother are both skinny distance-runner types, and I have a similar build.

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