Different Dysphorias

[Neutral nerd]

I think I prefer having a more masculine build, since the start of August I've been regularly exercising and having visible muscles (when flexed) is satisfying in a way I've never considered before. Being capable of doing something just makes me feel better, instead of depressed at how hopeless my femininity is. 

And at school, I've told most of my teachers to call me Kel. I decided to let the first teacher know on a whim, but it was far easier than I imagined. It'll probably be a while til I start responding to Kel as readily as my given name.  Does anyone else here have experience with starting using a nickname, and know how long it takes for fellow students to start changing too? 

[MrAsexy]

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[Guest]

6 hours ago, Vixey said:

In my experience it takes forever but then again I am surrounded by pretty horrible people. I hate my birth name and asked people to start calling me vixey, 3 years ago. It's been 2 years now of strict correcting people to calling me vixey and a good amount still don't. Mostly on purpose or out of lack of consideration because "why would you care what I call you" or "that's your real/legal name and you can't correct me if I use it." 

I've had a horrible experience overall. 

One person refusing to start calling me by my new name ended up getting everyone else confused and now it's just a huge mess.

 

Eg. Someone asked in a group chat with my classmates 

" hey, who's vixey? "

 

And I say "I'm one of your classmates" 

 

Then a really insensitive girl just goes "that's [dead name here] [last name here]." 

 

It's a huge pain. 

I know some people have had better luck with everyone doing the switch smoothly and I really hope you get that. There's nothing more frustrating than people refusing to do this stuff cause then everyone gets confused 

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time getting people to switch names. My parents were resistant at first, but they came around, and now almost everyone in my life uses my chosen name at least part of the time.

[Guest]

Does anyone here have any experience with dysphoria-related mental blocks? I have reason to suspect I’ve been subconsciously suppressing most of my dysphoria for years, and since I know it’s not healthy to bottle up negative emotions I’d like to stop, but I have no idea how. I would bring it up in therapy, but I’m in between therapists since my old one left the practice.

[nerdperson777]

4 hours ago, nelpogrando said:

Does anyone here have any experience with dysphoria-related mental blocks? I have reason to suspect I’ve been subconsciously suppressing most of my dysphoria for years, and since I know it’s not healthy to bottle up negative emotions I’d like to stop, but I have no idea how. I would bring it up in therapy, but I’m in between therapists since my old one left the practice.

Idk what exactly you're looking for but I know that I suppressed my hatred of periods for years, thinking that it'll never go away.  I didn't feel too bad about it for a while and then my gender revealed itself to me, which then reignited the dysphoria when I knew there was a way for me to be rid of it.  That made waiting for hormones even harder but I'm fine now since I'm coming up on a year without a period.

[jay williams]

On ‎5‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 11:06 AM, LittleJ said:

I’ve really just begun trying to figure out my gender identity and dysphoria and all the terms for things. I just really don’t know if I have dysphoria because i’ve never talked. 

So I don’t really like my breasts (I’m afab) i’ve honestly just never had much self confidence too but I hate looking in the mirror especially with my shirt off. It just looks weird and wrong to have them there and I just cringe. I’ve kind of realised this recently from allowing myself to think about gender more.

What I really wanna know if I have dysphoria is with my bottom half. I don’t know if some words aren’t allowed to be posted but i’ve honestly just never liked it. I’ve always found it gross and the idea of me touching it is gross and people put things in there for pleasuring themselves just seems gross to me. I don’t care what other people do to themselves and I don’t think I’d hate it if someone else touched me (never happened though) so I just don’t know. I wanna know if that’s dysphoria or not because i’ve always not liked it ever since I was little and understood boys had different things  

I came across this posting, and decided to respond with some items that sounded familiar to me. I am amab. I have never had dysphoria. However, I have always been skinny and always had a certain amount of shame about my body---and no self-confidence. Trust me, a skinny chest for a boy does not engender pride.  I remember when touching myself down there was dirty and creepy feeling. But the more I discovered the pleasure of touching my genitals...the more it was to hell with any feelings that it was gross! I suspect this is true of lots of folks. Most of us are taught that playing with or touching THERE is a no-no. We have to overcome that. Females do not have to insert anything. The clit is on the outside, just as a penis is. The vulva is on  the outside, just as the scrotum is. Touch and play, and enjoy! 

These are my thoughts. I hope no one takes offense from advice from a boy.

[Azeri]

For me, I'm angry and desperate.  I want to bind so badly so I have a flat chest (one can say I was gifted with US H cups!), but I absolutely loathe them when I'm feeling male.  They're a right pain in the butt to bind, and I can never get them completely flat, or even believably.

[Emera_Vandus]

Mainly I get dysphoria because of my voice and my size. I hate that I’m “filling out” and becoming more masculine looking. I don’t want to look masculine, I want to stay slim enough that I can wear baggy clothing and look maybe a bit more neutral.  I also don’t like how my voice is so deep. I would try to learn how to speak in a more feminine way, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to switch back to my normal voice on days where I feel more masculine, and I don’t know how to speak in a more feminine way. Right now my voice is so deep, people mistake me for a fully-grown man, and on the days that I’m in a feminine gender state I get really worried over how people will perceive my voice, and how my voice is too deep. Also, on a side note, I don’t like that my hair is super short, and I can’t really grow it out since my parents make me get it cut if it gets “too long”, and my school uniform prohibits bio-male students from having long hair, or wearing hats. It drives me nuts knowing that I can’t present how I want because of my voice. 

Also, I want to wear more feminine clothing on my feminine days, but I can’t yet, because as accepting as my parents are, they don’t know I have any dysphoria, and I don’t want to tell them. I’m afraid they won’t believe me, or will tell me I’m “confused “ or “in a phase”

also, I don’t like how nobody irl knows my preferred name is Emera. Everyone calls me by my legal name, and I don’t want to legally change my name, but Emera or even Emerald isn’t that far a stretch from Emery (my first name) for a nickname. I feel that I can’t tell anyone though, or they’ll reject me, since they don’t see that I’m in pain from hiding my identity, and will think I’m faking it, or just trying to be “special” or something...

also, I wish I had a chest (I’m AMAB, so sucks to be me I guess) (also, if I had a chest I’d probably prefer to be A cup or B cup), but I can’t go on hormones because I’m afraid of what would happen on my masculine days, and I don’t know if there’s anything like a fake chest thing to make it look like I have one temporarily for my feminine days.

[ColeHW34]

I honestly hate having my armpit hair, the scar tissue on my legs needs to go, and I don't like how my stomach bulges out.

[nerdperson777]

@Emera_Vandus I got a friend in a similar situation.  She is getting past mid 30s and is still living at home.  If she was gay, her parents would actually throw her out of the house.  She plans to take the trans part to her grave and her parents can't know.  She is incredibly skinny and can't grow boobs at all.  She's disappointed by that, but at the same time she doesn't like being fat so she was going to be dissatisfied with her body somehow.  She already has hormones but still nothing.  I gave her a few of my bras and she found even my A size to be big when she tried them.

 

If you are able, you could do a low dose hormone treatment.  I know someone who considers themselves mostly male but finds a libido too distracting to live with so they find having a T-blocker shot once ever 2 weeks does what they want to do.  Eunuch seemed to be a word they liked using.  There are probably other ways like progesterone only or spiro only but that's the only one I can confirm.

[Emera_Vandus]

@nerdperson777 low doses or t-blockers might work, but I’d have to wait until college to start, cause I’m not fully out to my parents, and I’m afraid to tell my doc, cause I think he’ll tell them, or won’t believe me. I don’t think they’d really care much, but even though since I’m 18, and they can’t tell me I can’t take any medical measures, I’m worried they won’t help pay for any treatment. I can’t afford hormones, or even feminine clothing right now, since I don’t have a stable income (I’ve applied to a job, but haven’t gotten a response yet). 

[Neutral nerd]

1 minute ago, Emera_Vandus said:

@nerdperson777 low doses or t-blockers might work, but I’d have to wait until college to start, cause I’m not fully out to my parents, and I’m afraid to tell my doc, cause I think he’ll tell them, or won’t believe me. I don’t think they’d really care much, but even though since I’m 18, and they can’t tell me I can’t take any medical measures, I’m worried they won’t help pay for any treatment. I can’t afford hormones, or even feminine clothing right now, since I don’t have a stable income (I’ve applied to a job, but haven’t gotten a response yet). 

If you're not a minor, I think it would be illegal for the doctor to tell someone else without you allowing it. 

[Emera_Vandus]

@Neutral nerd that’s good, especially since my yearly appointment is coming up. Maybe I’ll bring it up with my doctor then, though I doubt I’ll take medical action until I’m self-sufficient, cause I don’t want my parents to find out until I’m ready, which I fear they will if they get bills for hormones they didn’t order.  Are there any nonmedical things I can do in the meantime? Also, Is there a way I can learn to change my voice? 

[nerdperson777]

4 hours ago, Emera_Vandus said:

@Neutral nerd that’s good, especially since my yearly appointment is coming up. Maybe I’ll bring it up with my doctor then, though I doubt I’ll take medical action until I’m self-sufficient, cause I don’t want my parents to find out until I’m ready, which I fear they will if they get bills for hormones they didn’t order.  Are there any nonmedical things I can do in the meantime? Also, Is there a way I can learn to change my voice? 

The different kinds of transition: social, medical, (checks google for the rest) psychological, legal?

 

Social transition may not happen if you can't come out, but maybe you can do that with your friends if they're fine with it.

 

Medical, you can try natural transition.  It's adjusting your diet to produce more of the hormone you want.  I've seen more clear cut things for AFAB people but not AMAB people.  When I did it, it was mostly vitamins and supplements.  They cause very slight changes only, not even close to the effects of HRT, so it's hard to tell if it's working.  I grew slightly more body hair.  That's all I noticed.  For adding estrogen, I can only think eat a lot of soy.  People are skeptical about natural transition because it hasn't actually been proven to work.  There are just a few people on the internet who claim it works, but at least for AFAB people, it's really hard to keep up the diet and exercise to raise testosterone to noticeable levels.

 

Psychological, coming to terms with identity.  That's not something that can be controlled much.  Legal, looks like you can't do that either.  So I guess there's just that one thing there.  There are probably a bunch of tutorials for making your voice higher.  You just have to Google it.

[Emera_Vandus]

@nerdperson777 thanks for the information! Im fully out to my brother, and to a few of my close friends, and I’m planning on attempting social transition in college, so I have a fresh start. 

 I’ll probably just go on androgen blockers when I get a job and my own credit card, so I can pay for them without my parents knowing. 

I’m definitely gonna bring it up with my Doctor at my Yearly. 

Edit: screw it, I’m coming out. Completely. I can’t keep hiding myself from my family anymore. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

17 hours ago, Emera_Vandus said:

my school uniform prohibits bio-male students from having long hair,

I hate how gendered school uniforms often are. The school I work at has a gender-neutral uniform - either trousers or kilts for anyone. Many female students have short hair and males have long. I just don't get why other schools can't do that.

[Emera_Vandus]

@Celyn with my school it’s supposedly to “prevent a distraction in the learning environment “, however all it does is crush individuality and make me end up messing with my hair all day because I can’t get it to sit how I want it to. Another weird thing is my school’s handbook says that students are prohibited from discussing their gender or orientation. It’s never enforced, but it just bugs me that that rule is there.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

3 hours ago, Emera_Vandus said:

@Celyn with my school it’s supposedly to “prevent a distraction in the learning environment “, however all it does is crush individuality and make me end up messing with my hair all day because I can’t get it to sit how I want it to. Another weird thing is my school’s handbook says that students are prohibited from discussing their gender or orientation. It’s never enforced, but it just bugs me that that rule is there.

That all sounds like a heap of queerphobic bollocks to me 😠

[Emera_Vandus]

@Celyn it probably is, but the population of people who aren’t Cishet at the school is really small. As far as I know, I’m the only ace person in the school, and the only genderfluid person in my grade. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

5 minutes ago, Emera_Vandus said:

the population of people who aren’t Cishet at the school is really small. As far as I know, I’m the only ace person in the school, and the only genderfluid person in my grade. 

Honestly it's very likely that the queers are there, they're just in the closet because of how threatening the environment is there.

[Emera_Vandus]

@Celyn yeah, probably. I hope the school lets up on the regulations eventually so people can feel more open there. 

[Calligraphette_Coe]

12 hours ago, Emera_Vandus said:

@Neutral nerd that’s good, especially since my yearly appointment is coming up. Maybe I’ll bring it up with my doctor then, though I doubt I’ll take medical action until I’m self-sufficient, cause I don’t want my parents to find out until I’m ready, which I fear they will if they get bills for hormones they didn’t order.  Are there any nonmedical things I can do in the meantime? Also, Is there a way I can learn to change my voice? 

Try this website. Melanie Anne Phillips was one of the pioneers in M2F transvoice theory and practice. http://heartcorps.com/journeys/voice.htm

 

And speaking of practice, that's what it takes-- it's like being a musician with your voice: practice, practice, practice.

[Emera_Vandus]

@Calligraphette_Coe thanks for the resource, I’ll check it out! 

[Calligraphette_Coe]

19 hours ago, Emera_Vandus said:

@Calligraphette_Coe thanks for the resource, I’ll check it out! 

Descartes said "I think, therefore I am." I think our gender instincts quicken us to approach that ideal, if only we can begin to see past the doubt.

 

Another author of a psychological book "White Gloves: How We Create Ourselves through Memory" looked into the premise that certain memories stick with us whille others slide off us like rain off a duck's back. Of course, there are those who say we are just deluding ourselves. But why, then, do people like me regularly get 'misgendered' if I'm not putting lloout vibes and working a little magic on people?

 

BTW, if you know how to use SolidWorks, then you know about hidden lines and form and function. And _that_ affords you a means of changing and accentuating. I've sometimes though of those as Mother's Little Helpers   Again, all you have to do is get past your doubt. (Lately, I've been having a ball with Corel Draw and FreeCAD.)

[Katie15]

I think I made a post somewhere that might have covered some of what I'm going to say, so I apologise in advance, but I'm feeling really crappy about my body and I need to vent. 

I have been super dysphoric about my body for as long as I remember, in different manifestations. I have also struggled with mental health issues and a lot of self-loathing, so my relationship with myself was not great from the get go. 

I'm not going to go into it too much, but in my head, the next thing is my ED, hating my body and always wanting to be smaller, from a very young age, and this got a lot worse as I got older. Basically, I do not suffer from an ED in the same way I did in the past, and my body is very different from how it has been. The thing is, when I was unwell, my body was a lot more androgynous, no curves, small chest etc. whereas now, it's the total opposite. And I HATE it so much. Sometimes I just wish I could go back and be in more control of how I present to the world and myself. I mostly started thinking about being ace and genderless more recently, as my body has gotten larger and a lot more feminine, so I kind of feel like I don't know if I wanted to be in a smaller body because it was more masc, or purely about my weight. Is it possible to feel dysphoric about flesh??? gendered or otherwise?

I sometimes try and timeline and make sense of it but i just get really confused and really angry and sad that I am in my current body. All I know is that I hate everything about my body, namely the feminine bits, which seem to be exaggerated as my body in general has gotten bigger. It feels like it's my punishment for being in a bigger body now that I experience the chest and curves dysphoria, knowing I could maybe make things more bearable, but that would mean going back down a really unhealthy and destructive path. So I am resisting that. But as a reward I just get this (VERY female) body. and i hate it. 

[jay williams]

5 hours ago, Katie15 said:

I think I made a post somewhere that might have covered some of what I'm going to say, so I apologise in advance, but I'm feeling really crappy about my body and I need to vent. 

I have been super dysphoric about my body for as long as I remember, in different manifestations. I have also struggled with mental health issues and a lot of self-loathing, so my relationship with myself was not great from the get go. 

I'm not going to go into it too much, but in my head, the next thing is my ED, hating my body and always wanting to be smaller, from a very young age, and this got a lot worse as I got older. Basically, I do not suffer from an ED in the same way I did in the past, and my body is very different from how it has been. The thing is, when I was unwell, my body was a lot more androgynous, no curves, small chest etc. whereas now, it's the total opposite. And I HATE it so much. Sometimes I just wish I could go back and be in more control of how I present to the world and myself. I mostly started thinking about being ace and genderless more recently, as my body has gotten larger and a lot more feminine, so I kind of feel like I don't know if I wanted to be in a smaller body because it was more masc, or purely about my weight. Is it possible to feel dysphoric about flesh??? gendered or otherwise?

I sometimes try and timeline and make sense of it but i just get really confused and really angry and sad that I am in my current body. All I know is that I hate everything about my body, namely the feminine bits, which seem to be exaggerated as my body in general has gotten bigger. It feels like it's my punishment for being in a bigger body now that I experience the chest and curves dysphoria, knowing I could maybe make things more bearable, but that would mean going back down a really unhealthy and destructive path. So I am resisting that. But as a reward I just get this (VERY female) body. and i hate it. 

You said a lot in your message. Hope you can become more accepting of yourself. My suspicion is that you will eventually do so. In the meantime, your mental agony is no doubt vexing. You said ED, I am wondering if this stands for something other than what it does to me. In other words, you are surely not using the letters to refer to erectile dysfunction. Of if you are, how does that fit into your situation?

[Katie15]

12 minutes ago, jay williams said:

You said a lot in your message. Hope you can become more accepting of yourself. My suspicion is that you will eventually do so. In the meantime, your mental agony is no doubt vexing. You said ED, I am wondering if this stands for something other than what it does to me. In other words, you are surely not using the letters to refer to erectile dysfunction. Of if you are, how does that fit into your situation?

Ha oops! I meant eating disorder

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@Katie15 I had an eating disorder many years ago, starved myself essentially, until my bones stuck out. I loved having no chest, no accentuating fat, it even almost stopped the red horse visiting me; it was brilliant. But then I ended up so unwell that I almost fainted a few times and could hardly keep myself upright. I was about to learn to drive and I thought, shit, that's dangerous. So I started eating again and sadly, ended up the other way. Now I'm overweight and struggling to lose it because I have no motivation or confidence to exercise in a dysphoria-ridden body.

 

So yes, I get it.

[Katie15]

5 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@Katie15 I had an eating disorder many years ago, starved myself essentially, until my bones stuck out. I loved having no chest, no accentuating fat, it even almost stopped the red horse visiting me; it was brilliant. But then I ended up so unwell that I almost fainted a few times and could hardly keep myself upright. I was about to learn to drive and I thought, shit, that's dangerous. So I started eating again and sadly, ended up the other way. Now I'm overweight and struggling to lose it because I have no motivation or confidence to exercise in a dysphoria-ridden body.

 

So yes, I get it.

I’m really sad that this is how it is for you, but thank you for sharing your story because I relate to it so much and I share in your pain. 

[nerdperson777]

Aw I thought ED was executive dysfunction.