Different Dysphorias

[Finn.]

I am The Most Sick so I had to get a x-ray of my lungs. On my way to the radiologist I realized that meant I was going to be topless for it. Nobody has seen me topless in 12 years, and even that was for an ecg which means just for the doctor to see (okay, and a friend who made a hurtful comment pff).

The nurse was really nice and.. soft? in nature. She told me all she was doing and if I was fine, every step of the way. In my head I went like "she sees topless people all the time, she doesn't even care" and "it's just a medical procedure, with or without boobs". Plus, I was super sick, which made it even easier to dissociate all the way through it haha. 

 

But yeah, it was over soon enough, and I don't have pneumonia either, yay. It's kinda funny, having to write "female" on my chart thingy made me more dysphoric than the topless part.

[Tortuga]

Yeah, IK. Having to self-ID as the wrong gender is so much worse than someone else ID-ing you with it, at least sometimes. If you're still sick, hugs, if it cleared up, *celebrating* shall ensue. 

[Finn.]

The celebrating has to wait, unfortunately. I had a fever all day yesterday, at least that's gone by now. I feel better today, but it'll probably take at least one more week for me to get up on my feet again. Thanks for the hugs!

[Finn.]

Most of the time, seeing other people get top surgery makes me really excited for them. Today it makes me envious and dysphoric =/

[Light02]

14 minutes ago, Finn. said:

Most of the time, seeing other people get top surgery makes me really excited for them. Today it makes me envious and dysphoric =/

I actually feel this way most of the time and I feel bad about it. 

[SkyWorld]

I’m still considering top surgery and other than expenses, I’m worried about scarring... but just wondering if it’s still worth it or not. It kind of helps how, over time, some of those who had top surgery had good healing and can barely see the scars, if at all.

[SkyWorld]

I do everything I can to hide my hips, but that’s not easy to do when wearing gym gear. As well as I don’t bind when I’m working out because if how much it restricts my chest and affects breathing. So looking in the mirror, I can see how feminine my body is and I had to hurry and look away before just breaking down... 

 

I get that people are trying to be nice when they compliment my body, but it only makes me feel worse because they’re complimenting my feminine features. Yeah, many people have body issues, but I don’t have them the way that most people would think (i.e. dysphoria). 

[Albine]

I had or still have body disphoria center around my chest or lack there of. When I was younger I was sorta obsessed with breasts, which I guess is normal for a guys growing up. I never got over that, I started cross-dressing, even at one point thought of transitioning, but that wasn't who I was. I realized it boiled down to having breasts, so I researched and after a few years went ahead and had male breast augmentation surgery. Considering all aspects getting caught up it the details and decisions needed be to be made the hardest and most difficult after deciding to actually have the surgery was size. My PS did male patients and also specialized in larger breast surgery so I ended up going larger than I initially wanted. 

 

While the surgery went well and I can't complain about the results, I now feel looking back as I may have traded one set of issues for another. While happy to have breasts, having fairly large set can have it's drawback both socially and physically which I and still adjusting after going on one year. 

 

Experience since having they has given by an insight I guess on maybe a little of how men women treat each other. I sence myself de not treated fully as a minute but more so than a woman. In some regards. Since the surgery my social level as flipped a bit I have a lot more women friends once they meet me introduce by another woman, almost instant friends, as I sense no  Barriers. Men on the other hand, con be dismissive towards me ij Ave lost a few friends over this. And while I don't feel better change my personalityi feel I sorta lost some common ground with them

[K.I.N.G]

Finally ordered a bloody binder!   though with my luck it will get lost in the bloody post so no point getting too hopeful.

 

Ive tried the sports bra method in the past but never could get it to work at all

 

 

[Light02]

51 minutes ago, i am just Me said:

Finally ordered a bloody binder!   though with my luck it will get lost in the bloody post so no point getting too hopeful.

 

Ive tried the sports bra method in the past but never could get it to work at all

 

 

I did too! Had to take a loan but I feel really happy and excited nonetheless.

[Lirpaderp]

I had to get measured for dress clothes for a guy's singing group I'm in. In the process the person in the store had to call the manager because it's billed to the club. While on the phone they kept calling me a girl. It's a men's singing group. Out of all the places where people think I'm a girl, I did not think there would be one of them.

[Lirpaderp]

The other day my friend asked if I've ever considered wearing a binder and that it could help me look masculine. I've worn it every day since I got it (in November). I was wearing it when he asked me that. I held it in, but hearing that crushed me. I know it doesn't work as well as I want it to, but hearing it from someone else feels awful

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

Gender stuff has me so confused. By now I feel like, when I'm more on the male or non binary end of things, I want more of a masculine body and would like the effects of fat redistribution since I have really prominent hips. I'd also like top surgery tbh. But then when I feel like stuff's changing more often I'm less sure about it, and also when I feel more masculine I feel really detached from the bottom parts end of things and yet because of how much I hate having a libido I'm worried going on HRT would be unbearable with all of those feels. But now I feel more feminine and yet, because I don't feel so grossed out by my parts, I actually feel okay about the idea of HRT giving me junk in that area. Any fluid people have any thoughts on this?

[Zsareph]

On 20/02/2018 at 2:47 AM, Lirpaderp said:

The other day my friend asked if I've ever considered wearing a binder and that it could help me look masculine. I've worn it every day since I got it (in November). I was wearing it when he asked me that. I held it in, but hearing that crushed me. I know it doesn't work as well as I want it to, but hearing it from someone else feels awful

I know that feeling. I sent a photo of myself to an online friend when I was talking to her about gender. She said that I looked very androgynous but my chest gave me away, I didn't tell her I was already wearing a binder in the picture and that was actually the flattest I could physically get.

[AmberInTheMoonlight]

Body Dysphoria

Breasts generally suck. Like why do I have to have these stupidly painful chest orbs that make presenting androgynously so much more difficult than it already is? I tend to forget that they exist, which is nice, but just as often I'll look down or in a mirror and be reminded of the one thing that defines me as female, something I don't need. 

I also hate my hips and my waist, although those are easier to cover up with a flannel or a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants. 

My long hair, which my parents will not let me cut no matter how much I beg, is probably the thing on my body I'm the most dysphoric about. When I'm not wearing a beanie to cover it up, I have it in a ponytail to try to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Social Dysphoria

I'll get kinda dysphoric if my friends call me by she/her pronouns instead of my preferred ones, but I'm also still kinda okay with that since I came out pretty recently and some of them are getting used to it. 

However, I'll get super dysphoric if someone calls me a female term, such as a girl or a daughter. 

I also get a bit dysphoric when using the women's' restroom or when I have to wear traditionally women's clothing such as a skirt or dress.

[Light02]

Every time I lift something heavy around my grandma she tells me not to do it because I'm a woman and it might prevent me from having children. Ugh, it makes me so angry when she calls me a "woman" and essentially reminds me that I have a female body. I don't even want children.

[Lirpaderp]

9 hours ago, AmberInTheMoonlight said:

Body Dysphoria

Breasts generally suck. Like why do I have to have these stupidly painful chest orbs that make presenting androgynously so much more difficult than it already is? I tend to forget that they exist, which is nice, but just as often I'll look down or in a mirror and be reminded of the one thing that defines me as female, something I don't need. 

I also hate my hips and my waist, although those are easier to cover up with a flannel or a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants. 

My long hair, which my parents will not let me cut no matter how much I beg, is probably the thing on my body I'm the most dysphoric about. When I'm not wearing a beanie to cover it up, I have it in a ponytail to try to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

I agree completely with all of that. My hips and chest bother me the most. Next to that is my voice when meeting new people and my face. I'm so sorry you can't cut your hair. I never knew I was dysphoric about my hair, I just kept it in a tight ponytail all the time. It wasn't until I cut it that I noticed a difference. Is there any reason they won't let you cut it?

[Copal_0]

I had a really strange episode the other night. As I got ready for bed I started to get the sensation that I was prepubescent, like 10 years old or something. It was uneasy, but not totally uncomfortable. I live alone, but I kept expecting there to be other people in my apartment, namely my brother and mother. I've been getting these weird "time tunnel" now and then since I came out as transgender, but they've usually been more of a glancing feeling. 

[Finn.]

losing weight is not happening, to the contrary. probably because i've been sick a lot, idk really. i try to do better. but now my hips are more pronounced and i hate it. and i am having a bit more chest dysphoria recently, after being neutral about it for such a long time =/

[soda59]

I just don't really want boobs, but  I am not sure how to go about getting them removed if I don't want to transition. I"m okay with the rest of my frame ..It's like i can accept the boobs  on my body, but look in the mirror and it feels like they belong to someone else.  It's more of a disconnect for me. 

 

(I feel weird talking about it because it is more like sexual characteristics dysphoria and not really gender for me ...I'm fine with 'girl' , a little ehhh on being called woman because of the sexual connotations ,but nothing too bad...My issues are really not as severe as others...I feel like I am taking attention from people that need it, but also want a space to talk about it too...I feel conflicted .  )

On 2/21/2018 at 4:05 PM, Light02 said:

Every time I lift something heavy around my grandma she tells me not to do it because I'm a woman and it might prevent me from having children. Ugh, it makes me so angry when she calls me a "woman" and essentially reminds me that I have a female body. I don't even want children.

My grandmother voiced concern when I lost weight because I lost my boobs apparently I was like 'GOOD'.

[:)(:]

6 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

I just don't really want boobs, but  I am not sure how to go about getting them removed if I don't want to transition. I"m okay with the rest of my frame ..It's like i can accept the boobs  on my body, but look in the mirror and it feels like they belong to someone else.  It's more of a disconnect for me. 

 

(I feel weird talking about it because it is more like sexual characteristics dysphoria and not really gender for me ...I'm fine with 'girl' , a little ehhh on being called woman because of the sexual connotations ,but nothing too bad...My issues are really not as severe as others...I feel like I am taking attention from people that need it, but also want a space to talk about it too...I feel conflicted .  )

My grandmother voiced concern when I lost weight because I lost my boobs apparently I was like 'GOOD'.

No it’s fine because you have ppl like me who are practically in the same boat. I feel the same way and I know the feeling of them belong to someone else. I wore a normal bra for the first time ever,( I pretty much ended puberty by that time) and I was like what is a normal bra like. It was so disorienting and I had to put on my three sport bras back on really quick. 

 

Since I’m not transition I don’t know how I will get the surgery I mean I’m not even non binary... 

[soda59]

6 hours ago, :)(: said:

No it’s fine because you have ppl like me who are practically in the same boat. I feel the same way and I know the feeling of them belong to someone else. I wore a normal bra for the first time ever,( I pretty much ended puberty by that time) and I was like what is a normal bra like. It was so disorienting and I had to put on my three sport bras back on really quick. 

 

Since I’m not transition I don’t know how I will get the surgery I mean I’m not even non binary... 

I know this is messed up to say, but breast cancer does run in my family pretty bad so i can probably convince a doctor based on that .. It is a real concern, but I wouldn't be doing it  just for that one reason.  I don't really know if I can get help having it paid for based on that...I may just have to suck it up and save the money. It's also a major surgery too, which is scary, but I have that added push to get it done to reduce my risks.

[:)(:]

1 hour ago, spazzticsoda said:

I know this is messed up to say, but breast cancer does run in my family pretty bad so i can probably convince a doctor based on that .. It is a real concern, but I wouldn't be doing it  just for that one reason.  I don't really know if I can get help having it paid for based on that...I may just have to suck it up and save the money. It's also a major surgery too, which is scary, but I have that added push to get it done to reduce my risks.

I actually found out about breast removal through leaving about breast cancer so actually for a while I hoped I would get breast cancer too. :/

[Light02]

I know this is super fucked up but when I was 15 and I wasn't aware you could transition "partially", so to speak, I, too kind of wished I'd get breast cancer so that I could get top surgery.

[K.I.N.G]

On 25/02/2018 at 12:01 AM, Finn. said:

losing weight is not happening, to the contrary. probably because i've been sick a lot, idk really. i try to do better. but now my hips are more pronounced and i hate it. and i am having a bit more chest dysphoria recently, after being neutral about it for such a long time =/

Ive managed to loose some weight but it’s the exact wrong amount of weight - just about all the weight around my middle is gone so now I’m even curvier than i was before - also my binder arrived the other day and I thought it wasn’t working as lessening my dysphoria... only just realised it was working too well and I’d unconsciously become very dyphoric about my waist and hips opposed to my chest :/ :L  

 

oh and another thing about me loosing the exact wrong amount of weight is that I probably should have gone for a smaller binder as this one although works well doesn’t flatten my chest the most so I still have some (though not nearly as much) chest dysphoria and I can still easily breath and exercise e.g. in it. 

 

on a good note the push ups have paid off and my shoulders are actually considerably broader  

[Finn.]

2 hours ago, SebastianMichaelis said:

and I’d unconsciously become very dyphoric about my waist and hips opposed to my chest

yeah my waist becomes more pronounced then too but I quite like it somehow. I don't like having fat or whatever on my hips. my ripcage is pretty small which makes my waist small at any point. 

but obviously, dysphoria and preferences are very different.

[soda59]

10 hours ago, Light02 said:

I know this is super fucked up but when I was 15 and I wasn't aware you could transition "partially", so to speak, I, too kind of wished I'd get breast cancer so that I could get top surgery.

 

11 hours ago, :)(: said:

I actually found out about breast removal through leaving about breast cancer so actually for a while I hoped I would get breast cancer too. :/

It's fucked up, but I don't blame you guys for having that thought. I've had family members die from it , and even I have had that thought. :/ It sucks. 

 

[999papercranes]

4 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

 

It's fucked up, but I don't blame you guys for having that thought. I've had family members die from it , and even I have had that thought. :/ It sucks. 

 

Yeah, my mom just finished her last chemo appointment in October and had a mastectomy about a year ago, and I was really jealous of her  I wanted it to be genetic so I could get a “preventative mastectomy”, which is really screwed up. 

[Rosendust]

I just got a hair cut last week & I have a love/hate relationship with it because it's so short and I feel like I'm having really bad dysphoric feelings about it? Granted, I like how I present now, but I miss my longer hair. 😥 And let's not talk about my top dysphoria!

[Light02]

I think this is kind of weird but I'm very dysphoric about having estrogen in my system. What's even stranger is that I don't really care about having "female" internal organs because I don't see them and I never think of them. I guess the only thing that makes me dysphoric is the thought of carrying children but that's easily avoidable. Whereas the idea that there's estrogen within my body makes me deeply uncomfortable and I almost want to deny it, I feel like that can't be true. Unfortunately it is.