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Different Dysphorias

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ChillaKilla
Just now, butterflydreams said:

Do you think it comes from not denying things anymore? I want to make sure it’s not all in my head.

Probably. Also I think it’s that once we’ve taken steps to address some of the more glaring problems (the ones that HRT mitigated, like easily discernible bodily features and the like), we have a better ability to focus on more personal sources of dysphoria.

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Mezzo Forte

Good god, my hysto recovery decided to crank my dysphoria up to 11 today. It's making me deal with just too many things that remind me of periods, some of which I find particularly humiliating. Then add the pain from the internal sutures in a part of my body that my brain isn't mapped to acknowledge. Then add that I'm still on lifting restrictions, so I can't even carry my own dang groceries. 

 

But the real kicker was experiencing a sharp pain in my right pec. The same pain that broke me and made me actively seek psychological and medical help. The pain that disappeared the moment I got my first T shot. The same pain that made me even more desperate for top surgery. Feeling that pain threw me over the edge. Made me feel like I was trapped, like everything I had done up to this point accomplished nothing. 

 

On the plus side, my roommate handled my dysphoria brilliantly, even using things I've said in the past to help me try to recontextualize what I'm experiencing in a less dysphoric light. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm at least doing better.

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butterflydreams

*hugs* @Mezzo Forte. I certainly don’t like to hear that you’re experiencing dysphoria, but it helps to hear that it can still rear its head even after pretty intense treatment. I think there’s a tendency for people who aren’t trans to assume that dysphoria just gets 100% cured. The reality is more that it becomes manageable. I still experience a lot of lower dysphoria even though the HRT has helped tremendously in terms of affecting function. 

 

I’m really glad your roommate was there to help keep you grounded. That must be really great to have.

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Mezzo Forte
2 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

*hugs* @Mezzo Forte. I certainly don’t like to hear that you’re experiencing dysphoria, but it helps to hear that it can still rear its head even after pretty intense treatment. I think there’s a tendency for people who aren’t trans to assume that dysphoria just gets 100% cured. The reality is more that it becomes manageable. I still experience a lot of lower dysphoria even though the HRT has helped tremendously in terms of affecting function. 

 

I’m really glad your roommate was there to help keep you grounded. That must be really great to have.

I think my mood's improved now, but that dysphoric swing completely blindsided me. I've been recovering really well from surgery, as a lot of the stuff that hit me yesterday were things that temporarily disappeared, and then came back more intensely than they originally appeared. That chest pain really came out of left field, to the point the I wonder if it a psychosomatic or not. Weirdly enough, the some of major post-hysto symptoms I was dealing with didn't even rear their heads yesterday, like the spikes of abdominal pain and the temperature regulation issues. (Pretty sure the latter is because my T is kicking in.) Guess this is also a "recovery is not linear" sort of case. Dysphoria is not terribly common for me nowadays, so dysphoria spikes can hit hard.

 

(Oh yeah, and discovering that the hospital/gynecology group that did my hysto still has me listed as female didn't exactly help the whole dysphoria thing yesterday, especially because 1) I was legally and medically male before I ever came to them and 2) I asked them twice to correct it and they clearly never did.)

 

I'm very lucky to have my roommate. He's the same dear friend who kept me sane throughout my transition, and he genuinely spoils me with how well he navigates trans topics, especially because he was so respectful even before he knew much on the topic. He's just brilliantly observant and tactful. Good support makes a huge difference. :) 

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ChillaKilla

Sigh. Another “are NB people valid or just attention whores”-esque thread in HB. Why are people so invested in bashing the identities of others?!

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet
3 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

Sigh. Another “are NB people valid or just attention whores”-esque thread in HB. Why are people so invested in bashing the identities of others?!

I don't know why,either. Why can't we live and let live :(

 

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:)(:
1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

Sigh. Another “are NB people valid or just attention whores”-esque thread in HB. Why are people so invested in bashing the identities of others?!

Possibly because they need to feel better just by making other people feel smaller. No happy person would do this.

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Finn.

I'm taking this course for work. It's with 25 other people who come from different professions and now work in child care. EVERYBODY is afab. Apparently we're the first class where that's the case. So now every time I go there I get a ton of calling the whole class women or female or being addressed with the female versions of any kind of noun. Cause we don't have to be inclusive now, no, now we can make female empowerment happen! I mean I get it but it also means I get misgendered by default like every 20 minutes. 

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Alexandrite Alicorn
Spoiler

Yurrgh! It's just that day for me... Putting on a headband, eyeliner, a touch of lipstick, and my most girly shirt (The ambiguous one) at school and then hearing myself getting referred to as that dude within a minute. And having to go to the boys locker room when I make it (almost) readily apparent I would much rather be in the girls' room (and not just because they get a bulletin board). Seriously female, forced into a boy's role. And, with the deepest voice in the large group of people I have heard and seen. (To be fair, a lot of them are girls, but 10 or so are boys.) And gym had the gender run today. (I did run with the girls, despite several classmate protests like "dude, you're not a girl!" Well, shut the flip up, you don't know what you are talking about)! For heaven's sake, kid, I'm trans right now, shaddup before I kick your face in! (I thought that, but said nothing and continued running with the (rest of the) girls.)

slight rant  ^

Socially granted dysphoria, curse you!

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Calligraphette_Coe

:::::sighs:::::: It's another one of those sleepless nights when the Dysphoria Demons and Ghosts of Assaults Past swirl around my fearful fitful attempts at rest. So here I am listening to 'Year of the Cat' on You Tube, wondering what it would be like to:

 

Quote

She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just tell you that she came
From the Year of the Cat

.... and finally lose the Veil of An Unlovable.

 

::::sighs:::::

 

At least a miracle happened to today in a place called Alabama....

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Emery.
On 12/12/2017 at 2:20 AM, ChillaKilla said:

Sigh. Another “are NB people valid or just attention whores”-esque thread in HB. Why are people so invested in bashing the identities of others?!

I don’t get it either. We exist. This is pretty much all there is to it. Why is it so hard to comprehend? No idea. 

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999papercranes
10 minutes ago, Emery. said:

I don’t get it either. We exist. This is pretty much all there is to it. Why is it so hard to comprehend? No idea. 

It’s kind of like when people say asexual and/or aromantic people don’t exist... 

It’s almost like... *gasp*... we’re experiencing something different than them. Yet they seem to think that just because they experience one thing it makes everything else invalid. Just because they experience a binary gender, doesn’t mean we do. And they have no right to say we don’t exist if they don’t understand how we feel. It’s that simple. 

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The-world-is-quiet-here

So I went shopping with my grandma, and much to my surprise, she didn’t say many negative things about the shirts and book I got. (I got two stripey “‘men’s” shirts and a copy of Middlesex). 

 

You know that thing about how people say to not wear stripes, especially horizontal stripes? Supposedly stripes make you look fat or accentuate curves or something, I’m not completely sure. :) 

 

Anyway. When I was changing into the shirts, I looked at my chest in the mirror and suddenly got really bad dysphoria. my mind was telling me, “You should get top surgery ASAP. You don’t pass, and with this chest and these shirts you never will. Especially not if you keep acting like this. You haven’t even changed your walk yet, you look like a girl, you act like a girl...” I really wasn’t expecting it, and it hurt. 

And like, I don’t normally have chest dysphoria. I posted a long time ago about how my chest looks nice, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s *mine.* It still doesn’t really feel like mine. But I don’t feel like I really need— or want— top surgery. Ugh, I’m so confused. 

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:)(:
4 minutes ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Middlesex

Oh tell me how it goes. It was the book with the intersex main character right? If it’s really good recommend it to me plz.

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Sibemarie

Even i am not trans, i would like to have some breast reducing surgery. But i just can't i am way too poor (even having internet is a luxury item to me, something that costs around the same as 20 USD/15 euro or so here). Since i am way depressed and unemployed living out of savings i am closed at home (parents home, they also being low class) and while i cant find a job, and searching/applying, i get exhausted and mentally drained, this place is too ugly to go around only concrete blocks (not to add the disgusting rednecks and other idiots who say sh*t to any women that passes by,  or the gossip neighbours asking too many questions), no nature around here, nothing , so i take pills, and i sleep more and i am more stuck and slow, i have more weight so those horrendous things are a bit bigger. I have come to a point i can't even look at them , i hate breasts, i am sorry if this ofends any women around here but i have come from being indiferent, to completelly hate them, they make me disgust to the point of i just can't even look or take shower without feeling disgusted and repulsed. I wonder if there is any way to get a lower price (psychiatric advice , etc) for mental health reasons...

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The-world-is-quiet-here

—-TW self harm, top dysphoria—-

 

I’ve generally been doing worse lately. 

The other night, I was home alone, and I was getting self harm urges. Not only that, but I really wanted to try to perform top surgery on myself. 

That being said, I have no idea how [doing that] would work, and it would probably go really really badly. 

 

I mean, most of the time I don’t care that much about my chest. I wish it was flatter, but it’s not like I’m going to *do* anything about it. 

But recently... I’ve been getting these super intense dysphoria waves. So maybe I should look into top surgery or something. 

 

Also, even though i’m out to my entire family pretty much, everyone uses she pronouns for me. It’s that strange combination of, I don’t care that much, and especially I don’t care enough to correct them about it, but then when I look back at it I feel almost sick. I wish i was braver. Or at least assertive. 

 

 

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:)(:
18 minutes ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

everyone uses she pronouns for me.

You could just passively ignore them until they correct them.

 

Like saying “who is the she you are Referring to?”

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Lirpaderp

I'm in a place where everyone calls me girl stuff. First day back and I start menstruating too. I didn't get cramps at school but they're awful now. I need to tell someone here but I can't.

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Copal_0

I just learned about social dysphoria, honestly this describes exactly how I feel when I'm in public, in school, and especially when I'm around women. I've been acknowledging some of my body dysphoria as well (but it's not nearly as intense as the social part). 

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Alexandrite Alicorn

I've employed every single tactic I know to express as a girl- but I still get social dysphoria, because everybody already knows me as a guy. Which, inside, I'm not. If only I could start over... (Luckily, first semester ends soon, and with it, several of my classes. Therefore, new people, new rep, new pronouns, the whole deal. Yessss!!!) 

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Lirpaderp

18 long days until I go back go school, until anybody will call me he again. Being called a girl all the time is exhausting. The depression I thought had left me for good has been creeping back. Why can't I ignore their words? 

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Alex the Queer

ugh this fucking sucks. period has cranked my dysphoria way up, feeling hella dysphoric about my chest, to the point where i can’t even bear to accidentally touch it, and generally shitty about being misgendered and dead named and all that bull. not only that but my touch aversion is at an all time high. i literally just had an anxiety attack in the car because my grandma kept bumping and nudging me. now i’m on edge and in no state to deal with all the screaming kids and touchy adults i’m surrounded by 😢

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:)(:
12 minutes ago, Hamiltrash Queer said:

ugh this fucking sucks. period has cranked my dysphoria way up, feeling hella dysphoric about my chest, to the point where i can’t even bear to accidentally touch it, and generally shitty about being misgendered and dead named and all that bull. not only that but my touch aversion is at an all time high. i literally just had an anxiety attack in the car because my grandma kept bumping and nudging me. now i’m on edge and in no state to deal with all the screaming kids and touchy adults i’m surrounded by 😢

Sorry you feel so bad how about a virtual air hug?

 

And cake 🎂 

 

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:)(:

I don’t like my chest touched either I mostly shove my shoulder into the person who is touching me... so I know how you feel

 

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waffle house

i tried binding and trying on different clothes for the first time tonight and i'm such a mix of emotions right now. i feel so much better this way but the odds of me being able to actually do this are... so slim. i just keep thinking about how i'm never going to be accepted at home as being anything other than 100% female. it's so discouraging to think about.... when i look in the mirror i finally see what i've always really wanted to see, but it's all just temporary. and the way i'm binding isn't even safe or doable in the long term. i'm just...... ugh.

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Lirpaderp

My voice doesn't feel like mine at all. Usually I don't associate with it, but this is different. Hopefully this goes away before I have to sing with the choir at church tonight. If not idk what I'll do.

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butterflydreams
3 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

My voice doesn't feel like mine at all. Usually I don't associate with it, but this is different. Hopefully this goes away before I have to sing with the choir at church tonight. If not idk what I'll do.

I feel this so hard. Lately I've felt like my voice is just off and there's nothing I can do to help it.

 

Oh, also, dysphoria is a bitch. I'm sick of this fight.

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Emery.

Dysphoria day. I don't know how to deal with it again. It's not over any specific thing. I'm just missing something.

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Groovy Teacakes

Sorry Emery, that sucks, I had a day like that on Christmas Day (why though, why Christmas? That's way not fair.) I was trying to sing in Church and I was on the verge of tears because it was all so wrong, whereas I usually cope fine. Also I had to take a shower which was, again, causing me to cry because I couldn't cope with my body. I hate the randomness of dysphoria spikes. Argh I just hate dysphoria generally. 

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Light02

Lol, what is it about Christmas? I've also been very dysphoric the past few days.

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