Different Dysphorias

[nerdperson777]

15 hours ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

@nerdperson777 I started teaching myself a bit of Cantonese one day and still want to get back to it, that would really suck people mispronouncing it like that, though I can see why you hate it but yeah. My name supposedly has saxon origins but I still can't stand it.

It's not really a mispronunciation.  It's more like if someone who didn't know Chinese, and just English, heard my name out of context.  It just sounds really similar.  But Cantonese is a really hard language to learn.  I learned it starting Kindergarten by forced memorization of what every word sounded like.  There's no such thing like pinyin to help me out.  If I was learning it with the mentality I have now, I doubt I could learn it.  I foresee Cantonese slowly dying out, or at least become an almost primarily colloquial language.  Mandarin is the simple business language now.  Also, I learned writing in Traditional.  Simplified Chinese looks very foreign to me.  The way I see it, Simplified writing forgets the roots of some of the characters just to make it easier to write.  The word "love" is the same in both traditional and simplified except that simplified takes out the word for "heart" that was embedded in the middle.  How does one love without a heart?  I don't look forward to seeing Cantonese and Traditional writing fade away.

[ChillaKilla]

I think traditional will continue in calligraphy. Simplified characters are pretty boring

[nerdperson777]

5 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

I think traditional will continue in calligraphy. Simplified characters are pretty boring

25 strokes, it is now 4.  *gripe*

https://translate.google.com/#zh-CN/zh-CN/廳

[Ghost of AVEN]

Literally any activity with groups divided into "male" and "female" will give me lots of dysphoria. I'll find myself wanting to go with the females, but slink quietly into the males team, knowing I would be most likely shouted at for going in the girls team. I tried going into the girls team once, in a different class, but I was forced back into the boys team. 

[ChillaKilla]

3 hours ago, Ghost of AVEN said:

Literally any activity with groups divided into "male" and "female" will give me lots of dysphoria. I'll find myself wanting to go with the females, but slink quietly into the males team, knowing I would be most likely shouted at for going in the girls team. I tried going into the girls team once, in a different class, but I was forced back into the boys team. ]

Person: "Boys over there, girls over there!"
Me: *runs in a circle, screaming*

[Ricki]

39 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

Person: "Boys over there, girls over there!"
Me: *runs in a circle, screaming*

Im now just gonna envision you doing your avatar in those situation  

[ChillaKilla]

1 hour ago, Ricki said:

Im now just gonna envision you doing your avatar in those situation  

Basically  

[Toothlesss]

Today I couldn't help myself and ended up reading comments on articles in my newsfeed.

 

So, homophobic and transphobic comments get marked as spam.  

[999papercranes]

When even picking between gendered emoji people gives you dysphoria... Grr... I don't even use emojis that much but I wanted to use the facepalm one so I just chose the "guy."  It's better than the alternative. 

I'm so oversensitive... but sometimes it's just the little things.

[nerdperson777]

21 hours ago, Ghost of AVEN said:

Literally any activity with groups divided into "male" and "female" will give me lots of dysphoria. I'll find myself wanting to go with the females, but slink quietly into the males team, knowing I would be most likely shouted at for going in the girls team. I tried going into the girls team once, in a different class, but I was forced back into the boys team. 

There's this androgynous person I knew from middle school. (None of us knew about gender yet.) They got read as male because of their hair. So they left their musical instrument in the girl's locker room. The PE teacher would happen to come by and whisk them away because "wrong locker room". So I forgot if it was me or someone else who had to get their instrument for them. 

[Finn.]

I wish I were amab and could approach my gender expression from that end. I'm such an androgynous person in my mind and this just sucks. I'm stuck cancelling out my femininity, instead of the other way around.

[ChillaKilla]

59 minutes ago, Finn. said:

I wish I were amab and could approach my gender expression from that end. I'm such an androgynous person in my mind and this just sucks. I'm stuck cancelling out my femininity, instead of the other way around.

Been there Was so sad that I felt I had to repress my femininity because I wouldn't pass without doing so...

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, Finn. said:

I wish I were amab and could approach my gender expression from that end. I'm such an androgynous person in my mind and this just sucks. I'm stuck cancelling out my femininity, instead of the other way around.

The grass is always greener? I think everybody has a lot of challenges with this no matter where they're starting from. 

[nerdperson777]

Yesterday was a seminar at my martial arts studio by the owner's coach (Sifu's Sifu) and I think he clocked me because he showed me a feminine way to do something while we were all doing the masculine way. He knows the things that I want to learn which are rare to find (the other less common styles of tai chi) but that would mean I have to drive 2 hours regularly to the university that he coaches at. Maybe in the future augh. 

[nerdperson777]

I didn't stop my period.  I just made it 8 days late.

[ChillaKilla]

11 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I didn't stop my period.  I just made it 8 days late.

It takes a few months *hugs* You'll get there.

[nerdperson777]

7 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

It takes a few months *hugs* You'll get there.

I kept my hopes up with genetics.  People said that they didn't have one after starting, or maybe just once.

[vmdraco]

On 7/30/2017 at 5:28 PM, Finn. said:

I wish I were amab and could approach my gender expression from that end. I'm such an androgynous person in my mind and this just sucks. I'm stuck cancelling out my femininity, instead of the other way around.

I feel the same way.  I know in the past before I realized I was trans I wasn't too uncomfortable with feminine things.  I have a few feminine-based interests anyway so it wasn't out of the ordinary.  I didn't mind wearing makeup, or spaghetti strapped tanks.  In my mind's eye I think of myself as male but is comfortable enough to wear at least a few feminine articles of clothing at times.  My attire is mostly masculine but I don't mind things like chokers or shit like that.  Long hair is the same.  I had long hair for most of my life and I didn't mind it that much even though I pulled it in a pony tail 99.999% of the time; I can picture myself fully transitioned and have metalhead-esque long hair, and feel like a manly Fabio.  Since I was afraid of change tho I refused to cut it off for most of my teenage years, mostly because I was not-so-subtly coerced to not chop it off from my dad because "you look so pretty with long hair and I like girls with long hair!" as if that was what I should find important   Because you liking long hair = I shouldn't have an option to do shit with my body if it means pleasing you.

 

However once I realized I was trans all of that crap made me dysphoric, and I knew that if I wore those clothes or grew my hair out with the body I have I'd be addressed as female.  I'm so jealous of ftm guys who are long past hrt and can wear feminine clothing and look bomb as hell.  I want their skills!  

 

Dysphoria for me varies I guess.  I know I have dysphoria for my voice and upper body the most.  I remember being in my teens and I was scared to speak up in class because I hated how I sounded.  Like I sounded really meek and pathetic.  But I knew that if I didn't speak loudly I won't be heard, so when I talked I tended to be louder than I usually am in order to appear more important?  For lack of a better word?  However doing that actually does make me dysphoric because it reminds me that my voice doesn't have the bravado that a guy has, and I hate how it sounds when I'm yelling from across a room.

 

tw for weight issues:

Spoiler

I know leading up to when I first realized I was trans I had lost a lot of weight from the stress, and I was rail thin but I loved how my jaw looked more square and my small adam's apple looked bigger than it actually was.  I didn't have an eating disorder and wasn't purposely starving myself, but I had to admit that I liked how some parts of me looked more masculine and angular when I dropped pretty low.  I've always been very thin but that weight was... it was bad.  My boobs were smaller too but if anything made me feel ten times worse when my body was so small and frail, therefore making the boobs appear larger than they really are.  Now that I've gained back 20-30 pounds I fucking hate it.  My face isn't as square anymore and my breasts are bigger and so are my hips   The long pants I had now emphasize my female shape and it makes me want to throw up. 

 

I recall having a lot of issues with my upper body around my mid teens.  Like it didn't look masculine enough, or I imagined myself having a male upper body and never being able to achieve it by working out.  Interestingly enough tho whenever I drew portraits of myself from memory I always looked like a boy with long hair, or I'd picture myself as a masculine-looking lesbian lol  Idk why.  Like I'd look like a more confident version of myself in men's clothing.

 

I also don't really have any bottom dysphoria   I'm completely fine with the parts down there.  Having the disconnect between myself and my body didn't account for it I guess.  Everything else is a big nope. 

[nerdperson777]

Both my parents didn't really like it when I used a trimmer to cut my hair last night. 

 

Any progress with mom doesn't exist. She knew that I liked more neutral things for my gender identity and confused it with my expression. She asked if I was a guy now. I've been one. I'm a boy, guy, person, dude, but never man or woman. I left the bathroom so she could shower but she still had to walk into my business and make comments. "Why don't you go to a hairdresser and have them do it?" "Why do you do this to yourself?" I hate being touched on the head (by anyone I don't trust) and she purposely does it anytime I get a haircut, manually or by a hairdresser. 

 

I asked my dad for the trimmer, which was used only on the dog ever. I asked for something that belongs to the dog to use on myself and his first thought was the e-collar. Haha very funny dad. He didn't see what I did to my hair until now since I hadn't seen him since I asked for the trimmer. He said that I shouldn't do it if I have to go to work and see people.

 

They both imply that my efforts are inadequate in anything I ever try to do. There's a reason why I was afraid to rock the boat for so long. Everything is so result oriented. They assume all I do is mess up. I can't learn unless you let me try. Sure there's some missing hair on my right, but it's minor. My hair can grow back. The way I cut it doesn't look that bad. Mom just still wants a daughter. Dad is still about what other people think. I'm so done. I want to leave. 

[Alex the Queer]

oh god school starting up soon is giving me so much anxiety. i really want to finally start going by my name instead of my birth name, but there's the issue of the fact that my parents, while ok with the name change, refuse to use it themselves and sorta seem on the fence about whether or not they believe it's true and not just a phase or whatever. then there's the issue of having to explain it over and over again to all my classmates (and teachers) and hoping they actually use my name, when i've known them all since early childhood. but i don't think i could handle another full year of being deadnamed and misgendered. and then doing so also requires opening up the transphobia/anti-genderqueer/general douchebaggery can of worms. ugghhhh i have no clue what to do and i hate it

[Finn.]

yesterday i was walking my dog and listening to music with my headphones. to still be aware of the traffic and all i only ever use one ear and put the other earbud in my collar/cleavage. so i decided to run most of the way back home, and while doing that the earbud somehow felt like it was resting on my bare flat chest? i can't properly describe it. it was simultaneously a great feeling because it felt like i did indeed have a flat chest, but at the same time it made me super aware of the fact that it wasn't true..

[Emery.]

I wish I could make dysphoria go... it's like... none of the options are for me. All I see on the internet is about surgery. I don't feel like this would make me feel good. I'm not big on my name or pronouns either.  It's just the whole social thing that makes me uncomfortable. The generality of that. I don't even know what to do.

[Finn.]

On 18.7.2017 at 5:02 PM, Finn. said:

I have a question about shoes. I only have one pair of sandals so far (first spoiler). And I feel like, whenever I put a pretty masculine/androgynous outfit on it brings it out of balance. Like, any chance of passing as anything other than my agab is missed because of them. So what kind of sandals could I wear that are more androgynous? I have sneakers that I love no matter where my gender and dysphoria are at, but they're too warm for this kind of weather. Are there really only these hiking kind of sandals for men (second spoiler)? I hate those, they remind me of my father. (as a side note, I can't walk in flip flops, it's a cognitive thing).

 

  Reveal hidden contents

something like this

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I got a new pair of sandals! They're like flip flops but with heel support. I just wore them for walking my dog and so far they were fine! 

 

Spoiler

 

[Toothlesss]

I have a pair or two exactly like the first pair- and I guess because I'm totally nonchalant about how I look some of the time, I wear them anyway. For me they're comfortable, but I'm also hoping to get a masculine style pair too. 

 

#TooLazyForFashion 

[Emery.]

Cool shoes Finn!

[nerdperson777]

While my dad seems more accepting, like seeing a boy in me, my mom hasn't tried to change my name or pronouns.  I don't think I told dad about pronouns so he's basically calling me a boy, with she pronouns.  But according to my cousin today, they mess up people's pronouns all the time like they're genderfluid.  She actually said that.  So she thinks there's no point in correcting my parents in pronouns.

[Emery.]

Meh. Do you know that feeling when you look in the mirror and are disappointed that you have breasts?

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

@Emery. I get you. I'm still not doing a heck of a lot about it I guess, but I have a lot of "men's" tops that I've liked wearing, but when I asked my friend how an outfit I had on yesterday looked, he said it looked "normal", because he was used to it since he's gay. I mean there's quite a bit of disappointment in me just from being compared to cis gender non conforming lesbians, because I'm so sure that's what people think of me as. Since I was not very stereotypically female before, I almost feel like I'm going to be more likely to be perceived in relation to women now than I was before no matter what I do.

 

The entire reason I chose neutrois as the closest fit to my gender is because thinking of myself in terms of masculinity/femininity feels like something which society forced on me, and I don't consider myself to be anywhere on the male-female end of things. So this feeling that I somehow have to escape being seen as female is just going to lead to disappointment.

[Lirpaderp]

On 8/22/2017 at 3:38 AM, Emery. said:

Meh. Do you know that feeling when you look in the mirror and are disappointed that you have breasts?

How do you make this go away without coming out? I'd like to come out, but I don't know when the right time is. I also don't know what I am, which makes it so much harder

[Finn.]

Coming out won't make your top dysphoria go away, sadly.

 

So I tried this romantic relationship thing with my best friend. And while it was not amongst the reasons why I copped out basially immediately, it was something that stuck with me. I got quite dysphoric? I suddenly felt much more female, girlfriend-y, and I hated all of it. And she would never even misgender me! But it was definitely happening anyways. Now I'm worried that this will happen again if I actually get a girlfriend.