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Different Dysphorias


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Janus the Fox
On 12/21/2019 at 7:10 AM, Celyn said:
On 12/20/2019 at 10:37 PM, Laurann said:

Unfortunately I read that surgically altering hip bone structure is still too risky. Maybe in the future?

I think it will definitely be a possibility in the future.

I think so too, though what I’ve read and discussed with psych, deep level bone restructuring is not possible yet.  This is a serious open surgery that may disfigure a person more than that would reconfigure the gender, the risks of life changing complications are too high at moment and the life long medication as well to stay that way, similar to breaking bones, some bones do heal and replace lost bone.  Likewise with those that want more bone.  Though I’m rather curious that some kind of medication... or thinking creative about it... genetic counselling, changing the gene code in the body to promote a feminine/masculine bone growth the more bone gets replaced over the years.

 

Keep on the lookout for science breakthroughs always, hoping other things like say... total sex organ transplants are a thing, that be astonishing to see happen in my lifetime.

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nerdperson777
On 12/21/2019 at 7:01 AM, DolphinLover22 said:

I have a question... I have pretty average disphoria for a trans guy, like with my chest and being called girl and bathrooms and such. My question I guess might be a bit TMI, but does anyone else have disphoria when it comes to using the restroom? I mean, I've never felt comfortable peeing sitting down. Has anyone else experienced this type of disphoria, and what did you do about it? Thanks!

I don't, but I have been curious before.  You probably have genital dysphoria, if you're new to the whole thing.  You can buy an STP (Stand To Pee)  to relieve your dysphoria (and my curiosity).  The ones marketed to "women" are only like $10 or so, but if you can afford it, the ones for trans people are more expensive.  I'm talking about $50 to hundreds.  There's also the 2 in 1 kinds that let you pee and pack (giving the illusion of a bulge)  Since I'm not exactly dysphoric, I don't go out with my STPs or packers.  I tried before, but I only managed to wet myself because I'm not the most dexterous person.  Also with T, I find my parts to sensitive to put anything else in my underwear.  The one I like is the EZP from Transthetics.  It's made by a trans man who really cares about quality items.  So his products are very realistic and he's currently getting research done for the ultimate packer that can do almost everything a natural penis can do. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
DolphinLover22

Hey, just wondering if anyone relates to voice disphoria. I mean I remember growing up, thinking once I hit puberty I'd get a lower voice. And I totally thought my voice was deeper than my friends' voices. Then I heard a recording of my voice and thought, "why the heck does my voice sounds so freaking high??" I totally thought my voice was just naturally like my brother's... Found out fast that that wasn't the case... I probably had the voice of a soprano, but after years of singing Alto (and Tenor whenever they allowed me to), I felt like my voice got slightly lower... But it's still super high and it's super hard for me... 

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Calligraphette_Coe
45 minutes ago, DolphinLover22 said:

Hey, just wondering if anyone relates to voice disphoria. I mean I remember growing up, thinking once I hit puberty I'd get a lower voice. And I totally thought my voice was deeper than my friends' voices. Then I heard a recording of my voice and thought, "why the heck does my voice sounds so freaking high??" I totally thought my voice was just naturally like my brother's... Found out fast that that wasn't the case... I probably had the voice of a soprano, but after years of singing Alto (and Tenor whenever they allowed me to), I felt like my voice got slightly lower... But it's still super high and it's super hard for me... 

I sometimes think I should say I'm AAAB (Assigned Androgynous At Birth) instead of AMAB. Because of some congenital stuff, I actually don't have an Adam's Apple and I'm almost naturally a contralto. Because of medical stuff, I can't transition, but one place where I don't need help from hormones is voice and I won't need a trachea shave-- through practice, I became a sort of vocal chameleon. I've been know to startle people with going high when they say 'Hi' to me.

 

Just something to think about, sometimes it's not how high or low your voice is, it's how you say things and the inflections in your voice, not so much its tone.

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20 hours ago, DolphinLover22 said:

Hey, just wondering if anyone relates to voice disphoria. I mean I remember growing up, thinking once I hit puberty I'd get a lower voice. And I totally thought my voice was deeper than my friends' voices. Then I heard a recording of my voice and thought, "why the heck does my voice sounds so freaking high??" I totally thought my voice was just naturally like my brother's... Found out fast that that wasn't the case... I probably had the voice of a soprano, but after years of singing Alto (and Tenor whenever they allowed me to), I felt like my voice got slightly lower... But it's still super high and it's super hard for me... 

I have the opposite problem; A way too deep voice for me to like.

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Yup, my voice sounds too high for me too. I hope I can train it because I think T wouldn't be ideal for me. 

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nerdperson777
On 12/31/2019 at 4:11 PM, DolphinLover22 said:

Hey, just wondering if anyone relates to voice disphoria. I mean I remember growing up, thinking once I hit puberty I'd get a lower voice. And I totally thought my voice was deeper than my friends' voices. Then I heard a recording of my voice and thought, "why the heck does my voice sounds so freaking high??" I totally thought my voice was just naturally like my brother's... Found out fast that that wasn't the case... I probably had the voice of a soprano, but after years of singing Alto (and Tenor whenever they allowed me to), I felt like my voice got slightly lower... But it's still super high and it's super hard for me... 

Your voice will sound deeper to yourself than other people because the vibrations come from you.  It was weird learning that my first time too.  Even before knowing about being trans, I'd feel good about how low my voice was, only to hear a high pitched recording.  I even thought I had no voice dysphoria for a while, and then realized that those moments from my childhood were voice dysphoria.  My desire for "both" voices manifested weirdly, as I probably just wanted my talking voice to be lower, while still being able to do random high pitched antics.  Now my voice is too low from talking in my lower pitches to pass pre-T and I wish my speaking voice was more ambiguous.  I went to karaoke with my friends over the weekend and I had trouble balancing my head and chest voice.  I have the range to do most of it, but I would probably need a voice coach to be able to find all the different voices I could do.  I had recorded myself a week or so ago, and I was kind of disappointed that my high voice sounded more falsetto than anything.  My goal has been to have a convincing "girl" voice for whenever I need it.  Any testosterone influenced body can attempt falsetto, but being able to have the right amount of head and chest voice for whatever situation, that's what I want.

 

On 12/31/2019 at 5:04 PM, Calligraphette_Coe said:

I sometimes think I should say I'm AAAB (Assigned Androgynous At Birth) instead of AMAB. Because of some congenital stuff, I actually don't have an Adam's Apple and I'm almost naturally a contralto. Because of medical stuff, I can't transition, but one place where I don't need help from hormones is voice and I won't need a trachea shave-- through practice, I became a sort of vocal chameleon. I've been know to startle people with going high when they say 'Hi' to me.

 

Just something to think about, sometimes it's not how high or low your voice is, it's how you say things and the inflections in your voice, not so much its tone.

Even when I was female-presenting, my voice was probably low and monotone already.  That probably gave people some masculine vibes.  I need to work on my emotions, as I don't change very much, and it'd be useful to know how to act.  Ironically, acting has been my autistic mind's study of human nature, as my childhood was in a controlled environment that didn't allow for such parameters.  But you are right.  A "feminine" voice tends to be more upbeat with lots of changing pitches.  That seems to be the nature of things.  A "masculine" voice doesn't change pitches too much.

 

 *goes back into the corner to watch more humans at a distance*

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nerdperson777

Just had a thought.  I went through my old room and found some shirts that I forgot to take with me when I moved.  When I was in high school, I started collecting cool graphic tees into my wardrobe.  Normally I just wore solid colored polo shirts all the time until then.  One of those shirts, it was from a video game.  The name of it was on the front, taking up just a line.  The back was the whole thing covered in the game logo.  So now I'm wondering if the reason why I liked shirts with huge logos or pictures in the back was that I wanted people to look at my back, which had no boobs, compared to my front.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

now I'm wondering if the reason why I liked shirts with huge logos or pictures in the back was that I wanted people to look at my back, which had no boobs, compared to my front.

Haha, maybe! I love “was that an egg thing?” retrospectives.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'v been feeling sad and weak for a couple of days, while having various romantic fantasies (I thought I was unromantic) with nobody in particular (I'm still aromantic).

 

I'm a woman in these encounters but today I suddenly felt a hopelessness. Those fantasies are my only wishes and they're so far from becoming true. It feels like acid flowing in my veins instead of blood.

 

Dunno if this is the right thread for such a little rant. Sorry if it isn't.

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30 minutes ago, Andrea KF said:

I'v been feeling sad and weak for a couple of days, while having various romantic fantasies (I thought I was unromantic) with nobody in particular (I'm still aromantic).

 

I'm a woman in these encounters but today I suddenly felt a hopelessness. Those fantasies are my only wishes and they're so far from becoming true. It feels like acid flowing in my veins instead of blood.

 

Dunno if this is the right thread for such a little rant. Sorry if it isn't.

This is the right thread.

 

Sending you a virtual hug if you want one.

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4 minutes ago, Bloc said:

This is the right thread.

 

Sending you a virtual hug if you want one.

Yes, I do!

 

Thank You💜

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I can relate to wanting to be the girlfriend. I know that a relationship with someone who wants me as their boyfriend would not work out as this would cause to much dysphoria for me. I'm not sure if I wanted to be the girlfriend of a straight guy, but with a queer guy who is not to invested in his masculinity it would be different.

 

But I don't think that being a girlfriend would be completely right for me. It is better than being a boyfriend, but I'm to gender queer for it to perfectly fit.

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Most of the time I feel agender and happy living by myself. But I often daydream of being in a wlw relationship (again, with nobody in particular).

 

Even if I'm agender rather than mtf (I'm definitely not sure), I would like to appear more feminine.

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nerdperson777
On 1/23/2020 at 3:48 PM, Bloc said:

but with a queer guy who is not to invested in his masculinity it would be different.

Not exactly a relationship, but I had this thought about being with someone in general, even just hanging out.  My roommate asked for a ride to the doctor and then going to a cross stitch store nearby.  As the only ones in the store, one of the old lady workers there struck up a conversation with us.  My roommate is a non-binary butch who looks like a tomboy.  I just look like a young guy.  So the lady asked what crafting we do, my roommate does practically everything while I just sew plushies or costumes.  She was assuming my roommate a woman and me a man so she said things like "us women" and "it's easier" for guys like me to find work.  My roommate did feel uncomfortable with the labels put on us but I was surprised later that they were more thinking about my non-binary-ness.  Maybe I forgot to mention to them that I'm fine with being male in binary situations so I wasn't really offended by what the lady said, even if it didn't feel completely right.  My thought was more of what did she think about a "masculine girl" hanging around with a "feminine guy".  And hopefully she didn't think we were a couple, just because we came together.  In her shoes, I would've wondered why a "masculine girl" and a "feminine guy" would bond over sewing, as that's not one would expect out of typical gender roles.  We were queering gender so much in that, doing the "opposite" of what our apparent gender would do.  If only we could've been like "surprise!  we're actually both not binary."

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Celyn: The Lutening
On 1/24/2020 at 4:50 PM, Andrea KF said:

Most of the time I feel agender and happy living by myself. But I often daydream of being in a wlw relationship (again, with nobody in particular).

 

Even if I'm agender rather than mtf (I'm definitely not sure), I would like to appear more feminine.

Femme agender peeps are totally valid and so are nonbinary lesbians!

*Sprinkles you with validating rainbow confetti*

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 1/23/2020 at 5:48 PM, Bloc said:

I can relate to wanting to be the girlfriend

Same.

'Boyfriend' gives me a completely neutral/indifferent feeling. Not uncomfortable or painful but I feel nothing in either direction.

'Girlfriend' in comparison, feels really nice.

My dysphoria is really weird, it's generally more a lack of euphoria, rather than the blatant pain/upset many describe.

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2 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

Same.

'Boyfriend' gives me a completely neutral/indifferent feeling. Not uncomfortable or painful but I feel nothing in either direction.

'Girlfriend' in comparison, feels really nice.

My dysphoria is really weird, it's generally more a lack of euphoria, rather than the blatant pain/upset many describe.

I can relate to a feeling of indifference. Sometimes I can feel a sort of pain and have more or less serious thought about ending it all. So far nothing in that direction have actually happened, thankfully.

Most of the time I just feel apathy.

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mellifuouslennie

I have no idea even what I experience is dysphoria-

 

So as a biological female, I have bewbs. I hate the outline of them- not the bewbs themselves, just if they show. I want to get a binder to flatten them out- but it's not like i'd ever get surgery or something because I don't hate them, I just can't stand them.

 

Like- if doctors find a way to have removable bewbs, sign me t f up.

 

Also, everytime someone calls me by "she" as in "she is pretty" or "that's her" it gives me a small chest clench I don't know how to explain- like a heart squeeze? Like lowkey anxiety. I'd rather someone call me good looking or handsome than "pretty" because it would just feel so much more comfortable.

 

I also hate my long hair. I wish i could just cut it all off and get an undercut. Long hair, bewbs, and she makes me feel like a fake.

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Celyn: The Lutening

@mellifuouslennie That chest clench and feeling like a fake is dysphoria, friendo!

Also absolutely cut your hair - nobody and nothing has the right to stop you taking control of your body.

Best of luck exploring your identity and getting comfortable in yourself  💚

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13 hours ago, mellifuouslennie said:

I have no idea even what I experience is dysphoria-

 

So as a biological female, I have bewbs. I hate the outline of them- not the bewbs themselves, just if they show. I want to get a binder to flatten them out- but it's not like i'd ever get surgery or something because I don't hate them, I just can't stand them.

 

Like- if doctors find a way to have removable bewbs, sign me t f up.

 

Also, everytime someone calls me by "she" as in "she is pretty" or "that's her" it gives me a small chest clench I don't know how to explain- like a heart squeeze? Like lowkey anxiety. I'd rather someone call me good looking or handsome than "pretty" because it would just feel so much more comfortable.

 

I also hate my long hair. I wish i could just cut it all off and get an undercut. Long hair, bewbs, and she makes me feel like a fake.

Isn't "hate them" and "can't stand them" different worlds for the same feelings?

 

I can relate to that small chest clench. Like a constant stab wound, if one's to choose other kind of words.

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nerdperson777
17 hours ago, mellifuouslennie said:

I have no idea even what I experience is dysphoria-

 

So as a biological female, I have bewbs. I hate the outline of them- not the bewbs themselves, just if they show. I want to get a binder to flatten them out- but it's not like i'd ever get surgery or something because I don't hate them, I just can't stand them.

 

Like- if doctors find a way to have removable bewbs, sign me t f up.

Well, if you got rid of the boobs, you could get falsies.  Regardless of AGAB, people can put in fake ones.  Those with boobs can use padding to make them bigger.  I re-read and saw that you probably don't want surgery. But if you made them smaller, even with a reduction or something, the fake boobs would be an option.  I was never big to begin with, and then I exercised practically everyday on T.  The bottom of my chest was noticeably less round.  But that takes a lot of work that most people may not want to put effort into.

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I took me ages to realise that I'm agender. I took someone coming out to me to realise that gender wasn't something people made up. Any time I have done a mixed sport I had always been incredibly jealous of the guys. Why do they get to have it easier. Why do I have to work harder than them to be equal to them. It was subtle and really annoying. It got worse when I really became friends with a guy that does the same sport as me. {Rowing. Its the Best! :)}. I didn't think of us as different in a gender sense. I also where a lot of printed T-shirts and shorts, but that wasn't always the case. I used to be a dresses person. My dad keeps bringing up how I used to where dresses all the time in quite a sad way, It makes me fell incredibly guilty and strange. I have nothing  against dresses but it feels restricting. I can't run around and be an idiot. I feel like the worst time is with my English teacher. I'm not sure if its the course or teacher themselves but they keep mentioning gender, once they mention gender and different ways of reading together. Then I panicked. Words are just words right? They can't have genders! How are there multiple was of reading and what does gender have to do with it. Then I started felling hollow. I felt broken like I was missing pieces. That I some how managed to be only partially human. 

Social Gender conventions is also messes with my head. LIKE WHY?

Another time I was trying to have a normal conversation with someone in class and there was this person at my table who is super extreme feminist. Which really, really bothers me. She brings it up all the time. I can't have a conversation with her. It drives me insane. Also I was at a mathematics Olympiad. They split us in teams based off of girls and boys. I felt kind of strange. Like a series of characteristics causing people to be grouped. It felt as forren to me as people being categorised by eye colour or earlobes. 

 

Physically as well as being dysphoric about how strong/weak I am. I also hate seeing myself naked. In underwear is okay. I've never liked 'proper underwear' just boy-leg. Despite being 15 I have never gotten a real bra even though I have bewbs. The only real bras I have a sports ones. I just wear training bras. I don't want to get real bras though that's a big nope. I despise the school uniform short at my school. They're short and tight and dumb. Also my school has a girl shirts and unisex shirts. The only difference the girls ones are shorter, short enough you can't raise your arms. Also I lost my too big unisex rowing jumper and It makes me really sad. I only have small tight ones now :(

 

On another note my auto-correct keeps wanting to change agender to a gender. The complete opposite  of what I wanted. How can auto-correct of all things make me feel invalid and dysphoric I don't understand.

 

Its pretty much all small little things though. Apart from being weaker and bewbs. I enjoy being agender though it means I can throw the gender conventions in the bin and do what even I want.  though I am lucky enough to be quite (but not completely) Flat-chested and a square with no curves.

 

Also my masculine nick name Eugene bothered my equally as my birth-name.

Edited by #Cthulhu
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Celyn: The Lutening
6 hours ago, #Cthulhu said:

It felt as forren to me as people being categorised by eye colour or earlobes. 

That's exactly right!!! Why are you putting the vagina people in one place and the penis people in another? It's utterly arbitrary. 

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About a month ago I started gaining some weight and I felt good about it because I had been underweight/borderline underweight for a while so I was glad to be at a healthier weight but lately I've been really noticing the effects on my body and I fucking hate it. My chest used to be smaller and flatter in my binder and now it's just.. not. But really the worst is my hips, I swear they look bigger than they did a few years ago and that makes me feel so fucking uncomfortable and gross. At least I can get rid of my chest with surgery but I can't change the freaking shape of bones. 

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Celyn: The Lutening

How I look normally: gay 14 year old boy

How I look at work: butch lesbian librarian

How I wish I could look: stereotypical long-haired D&D playing metalhead dude

 

I can't f***ing wear my hair long without looking like a girl and it gets to me.

I think most of it comes from being a smol human. Slight frame+long hair = girl, apparently. 

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I really scared to go andro because I am small by AFAB standards where I am and If I go andro I feel like I will look like a child

Edited by #Cthulhu
Typo
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8 hours ago, Celyn said:

 

I can't f***ing wear my hair long without looking like a girl and it gets to me.

Yeah same. If I keep my hair in a short typically masc style I pass perfectly as a 15-18 year old guy but if I let it get to a certain length I only pass 50/50 or less depending on how long it is and how I style it. Passing for me totally depends on hair length and that sucks. I mean I do prefer a short haircut but I also wish I could let it grow out sometimes and still pass as an androgynous guy. 

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, #Cthulhu said:

I really scared to go andro because I am small by AFAB standards where I am and If I go andro I feel like I will look like a child

Yep, the main thing to help me pass pre-T was getting short hair.  I passed about 70-80% of the time with it.  I was surprised that the hair made such a big difference.  A few months later, I wore a wig for a costume.  I got called a girl in it.  So even now after 2.5 years on T, I'm still kind of wary about wearing a wig for that reason.  Of course T has made my face a little more angular, but I still got seen as 12 the past week, so my face isn't as angled as it could be.  When people see only my face and not hair, it's possible that I still get clocked.

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