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Different Dysphorias


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ElasticPlanet
11 hours ago, Ardoise said:

Time to take the trans pride badge off my backpack before my family ask questions.

😓 So sorry about this... I put a couple of different home-made pride flags on my bag for the pride season a couple of years ago, and they've been there ever since. I hope you'll be able to do the same some time!

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ElasticPlanet
1 hour ago, LiteratureNerd said:

numerous hours of discussing appropriate (gender conforming) behavior

Ugh... 'appropriate' is rarely a word I like to hear.

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nerdperson777
22 hours ago, LiteratureNerd said:

I just got back from visiting my bio-family and the numerous hours of discussing appropriate (gender conforming) behavior. I hate that me wearing a skirt makes my relatives think that I am gender conforming. I love skirts, I just feel more like myself, but just because I like looking femme at times doesn't mean that I fit into the gender binary. 

I have a friend named Sam.  Last time I heard from them, they had to go visit family in the South.  They vented to me about how relatives said that they were only going to call them Samantha, nothing shortened.  Meanwhile, the brother's name can be shortened.

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I'm only starting to realise that my reluctance to say my own name could be linked to dysphoria. I've been on Aven for months now. '-' 

I only thought it could be a dissociative disorder issue... silly me... 

 

The thing is, I like that name in itself, very much... it sounds good... but not on me... 

It's weird ^^'

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nerdperson777
20 minutes ago, PoeciMeta said:

I'm only starting to realise that my reluctance to say my own name could be linked to dysphoria. I've been on Aven for months now. '-' 

I only thought it could be a dissociative disorder issue... silly me... 

 

The thing is, I like that name in itself, very much... it sounds good... but not on me... 

It's weird ^^'

I felt there were a few things that I was dissociating with.  The name my parents gave me was a name, but I never really thought of it being anything more than that.  To me, it's merely a way to single out someone instead of "hey you".  If "hey you" was enough, I wouldn't even think to have a name.  Pronouns, it's just what's not unpreferred.  It's not really correct pronouns, but more like not incorrect.  Sounds like agender or third person but I don't really know.  Then I never thought about my face being my face.  I even have to think about it if I'm trying to find myself in a picture.  What do I look like?  I recognize my face, yes, but it's not something I'm actively remembering.

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25 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I felt there were a few things that I was dissociating with.  The name my parents gave me was a name, but I never really thought of it being anything more than that.  To me, it's merely a way to single out someone instead of "hey you".  If "hey you" was enough, I wouldn't even think to have a name.  Pronouns, it's just what's not unpreferred.  It's not really correct pronouns, but more like not incorrect.  Sounds like agender or third person but I don't really know.  Then I never thought about my face being my face.  I even have to think about it if I'm trying to find myself in a picture.  What do I look like?  I recognize my face, yes, but it's not something I'm actively remembering.

Yes, this. 

Weirdly, I dissociate much less here on Aven, where they and Poeci do feel kind of right, but not exceedingly so. Maybe they only feel right by comparison with my IRL name and pronouns. 

My face and my name are also associated to each other in my head, but neither feel really associated to me. It's kind of practical, because then it reduces dysphoria unless I have to be really, um, involved in real life and acknowledge the fact that I am me, at least for the little things. I don't get much dysphoria from distractedly looking into a mirror, but I have chest dysphoria because I constantly have to deal with it and can't not feel it there. 

 

I even think that I dissociate more when I'm confronted to my most dysohoria-inducing things. For example, showering. I spend half an hour psychologically preparing to having to undress, then I scrub my skin off like it's not mine while thinking about how beautiful the forest looks in a parallel universe from my head, then I rush back into my clothes and feel all disgusting inside despite having just washed.

 

It's not all gender-related, far from it, but I do think I dissociate a lot... probably. Who knows? 

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nerdperson777
5 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

Yes, this. 

Weirdly, I dissociate much less here on Aven, where they and Poeci do feel kind of right, but not exceedingly so. Maybe they only feel right by comparison with my IRL name and pronouns. 

My face and my name are also associated to each other in my head, but neither feel really associated to me. It's kind of practical, because then it reduces dysphoria unless I have to be really, um, involved in real life and acknowledge the fact that I am me, at least for the little things. I don't get much dysphoria from distractedly looking into a mirror, but I have chest dysphoria because I constantly have to deal with it and can't not feel it there. 

 

I even think that I dissociate more when I'm confronted to my most dysohoria-inducing things. For example, showering. I spend half an hour psychologically preparing to having to undress, then I scrub my skin off like it's not mine while thinking about how beautiful the forest looks in a parallel universe from my head, then I rush back into my clothes and feel all disgusting inside despite having just washed.

 

It's not all gender-related, far from it, but I do think I dissociate a lot... probably. Who knows? 

I think I have been dissociating less lately.  My energy sensing co-workers/teachers say that I do it because I have things to hide from in my life.  So daydreaming, having one's head in the clouds is quite literal.  When someone does that, they are no longer present in their body.  With transitioning, I became more comfortable in my body, so I guess I have less to hide from.  Then also since I moved out, I don't have my parents' negative energy affecting me as much.  There's less in my life that I need to avoid so I can dissociate less.

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Anthracite_Impreza
10 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

I'm only starting to realise that my reluctance to say my own name could be linked to dysphoria. I've been on Aven for months now. '-' 

I only thought it could be a dissociative disorder issue... silly me... 

 

The thing is, I like that name in itself, very much... it sounds good... but not on me... 

It's weird ^^'

I've told everyone to go by my nickname now (most already did anyway luckily) because my birth name is so fucking feminine. I intend to officially change it at some point. 

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33 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've told everyone to go by my nickname now (most already did anyway luckily) because my birth name is so fucking feminine. I intend to officially change it at some point. 

It's so sad and absurd how just a bunch of syllables can be gendered. 

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On 5/16/2019 at 9:01 PM, PoeciMeta said:

I'm only starting to realise that my reluctance to say my own name could be linked to dysphoria. I've been on Aven for months now. '-' 

I only thought it could be a dissociative disorder issue... silly me... 

 

The thing is, I like that name in itself, very much... it sounds good... but not on me... 

It's weird ^^'

I wish I could just give my name away to someone else before I change it.  Like giving a piece of clothing that doesn't suit you anymore to a friend instead of throwing it away.  It's a blessed name, but I don't really want a feminine name anymore.

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There's a book I've liked for a long time called Dinosaur with an Attitude.  The story begins when the main character (whose gender is never mentioned) is given the name Zawinul by their friend, "because Zawinul is a name that has to be passed on".  The name has the quasi-magical property of attracting odd events to its bearer.

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nerdperson777
8 hours ago, Ardoise said:

I wish I could just give my name away to someone else before I change it.  Like giving a piece of clothing that doesn't suit you anymore to a friend instead of throwing it away.  It's a blessed name, but I don't really want a feminine name anymore.

*activating my bra fairy powers*

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ElasticPlanet
12 hours ago, Ardoise said:

I wish I could just give my name away to someone else before I change it.  Like giving a piece of clothing that doesn't suit you anymore to a friend instead of throwing it away.  It's a blessed name, but I don't really want a feminine name anymore.

I've had the opposite problem. Always wanted to be free of my given name (and its obsolescence and gender baggage) and just bin it, but nothing else was ever me either. Why do I have to have a name?

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nerdperson777
11 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

I've had the opposite problem. Always wanted to be free of my given name (and its obsolescence and gender baggage) and just bin it, but nothing else was ever me either. Why do I have to have a name?

I see a name as a unique way to refer to someone and not the person next to you or something.  I'm not really attached to having names either.  If people didn't care about gendered names, I probably would've just kept my nickname and not need a new name.  I just keep my masculine gendered current name for it being easier in binary environments.  I already know people with the most common neutral names so I didn't want to have the same name as them to make it confusing.  Plus in my case, I don't think I'll ever feel that I'll ever find one "perfect" name when I'm not attached to names.  It's just a name, and I use it to go about my life.

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ElasticPlanet
10 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I already know people with the most common neutral names so I didn't want to have the same name as them to make it confusing.

Yes - that's been part of the problem for me too. Which friend's name am I most willing to steal? More so when being the only person around with my name is the default experience - in over 40 years I've only knowingly met 3 people with the same first name as me, and one who had it as a deadname...

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nerdperson777
15 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

Yes - that's been part of the problem for me too. Which friend's name am I most willing to steal? More so when being the only person around with my name is the default experience - in over 40 years I've only knowingly met 3 people with the same first name as me, and one who had it as a deadname...

Yeah, my birth name is really common, and I only know one other person with my current name, and it's with my mom's last name.  In secondary school, there were a few too many of us, and with similar last name.  My last name is only three letters, and there was a girl that was the same thing, just without the last letter.  We have been confused before.  We took the same summer school program and if we got a B- or higher in this accelerated class, we would be able to skip to the next level during the school year.  She was really smart so she passed.  I didn't but my new school year schedule said I did.  My mom, being a goody-two-shoes, reported this to my counselor, who apologized for the mix up and I had to return my textbook, after I taped it up from it being old and falling apart.  That girl was a grade younger than me, so she was already one level ahead, but now she was two levels ahead.  I ended up being a level ahead the year after since I passed that same class, but I really wanted to be ahead earlier.

 

The odd thing now is that I found that girl's Facebook profile and they pronouns were used so I wonder..

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I'm very much ready for my family to stop calling me "she" and "her", but also terrified to have the discussion that would make that happen.

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Anthracite_Impreza
5 hours ago, Ardoise said:

I'm very much ready for my family to stop calling me "she" and "her", but also terrified to have the discussion that would make that happen.

Had that conversation, changed fuck all.

 

So fucking dysphoric rn >.<

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Calligraphette_Coe
8 hours ago, Ardoise said:

I'm very much ready for my family to stop calling me "she" and "her", but also terrified to have the discussion that would make that happen.

 

2 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Had that conversation, changed fuck all.

 

So fucking dysphoric rn >.<

These two posts made me think of something I hadn't thought about for years. Just before they gave me the bum's rush and basically threw me out, I'd get mocked with 'she' and 'her' for being a refusenik and not cuting  my halfway-down-the-back blonde hair. Then  I went away to school and pretty much stayed away from my family for almost a decade. 

 

So there _is_ always one way to get them to stop encroaching on your identity-- get out of earshot and get on with your life without them. I have surprising few regrets about being the 'black sheep' of the family and 'missing' out on all the 'family' stuff'. More than ever,  I feel life is too short to _not_ live it on your own terms. And if they can't abide by those terms, vote with your feet.

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Anthracite_Impreza

@Calligraphette_Coe Mate if I had the ability to hold down a paying job I'd be out of this house faster than my Beemer's fuel level drops, but alas, I do not. I'd need a house with space for at least two cars too, nothing a shitty minimum wage thing could pay for.

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Custard Cream
24 minutes ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

 

These two posts made me think of something I hadn't thought about for years. Just before they gave me the bum's rush and basically threw me out, I'd get mocked with 'she' and 'her' for being a refusenik and not cuting  my halfway-down-the-back blonde hair. Then  I went away to school and pretty much stayed away from my family for almost a decade. 

 

So there _is_ always one way to get them to stop encroaching on your identity-- get out of earshot and get on with your life without them. I have surprising few regrets about being the 'black sheep' of the family and 'missing' out on all the 'family' stuff'. More than ever,  I feel life is too short to _not_ live it on your own terms. And if they can't abide by those terms, vote with your feet.

Or get yourself thrown out. That works too...

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Celyn: The Lutening
8 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@Calligraphette_Coe Mate if I had the ability to hold down a paying job I'd be out of this house faster than my Beemer's fuel level drops, but alas, I do not. I'd need a house with space for at least two cars too, nothing a shitty minimum wage thing could pay for.

There's a camp bed in my living room for you if you can't take it any longer. The cars would probably have to go across the street though :(

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Anthracite_Impreza
14 hours ago, CustardCream said:

Or get yourself thrown out. That works too...

Well that almost happened.

 

6 hours ago, Celyn said:

There's a camp bed in my living room for you if you can't take it any longer. The cars would probably have to go across the street though :(

Thank you. I've become unhealthily good at putting up with shit by dissociating and hiding, and for the foreseeable future that's how it'll be...

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 5/23/2019 at 5:28 PM, CustardCream said:

Or get yourself thrown out. That works too...

 

On 5/23/2019 at 5:21 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@Calligraphette_Coe Mate if I had the ability to hold down a paying job I'd be out of this house faster than my Beemer's fuel level drops, but alas, I do not. I'd need a house with space for at least two cars too, nothing a shitty minimum wage thing could pay for.

My parents charged me rent, but started increasing it and threatening me as time went on. Finally, they did invite me to leave, so when I was in the process of getting student loans, I made my break. I worked my way through school by working all kinds of jobs and side hustles when I wasn't in class or studying. I think I slept no more than 4 hours a night if I recall correctly. For the first couple of years, I lived with roomies. I had pretty much zero social life, but I was NOT going to accept defeat and go back to living in my parents basement and sleeping on an air matress. I drove a beaten up '70 Volkswagen Beetle, which I kept repaired on my own. I found I could pull the engine in 10 minutes with a floor jack and fix just about anything on it, especially the crappy heater boxes. I never bought anything new, always buying and fixing things up. I even build my own furnitures when I finally got a place by myself. 

 

I kept doing the same thing after i got out of school and got a better job. In a short itme, I saved $6000 as a down payment on my first house. I had just about paid off my student loans when I had my first medical meltdown and lost it. After I got better,  I spent about another 15 years working for myself.

 

It ain't easy! And YMMV ( Your Mileage May Vary ), but you'd be amazed at what you can do if you can be a Refusenik and don't stop finding ways to make extra money and squirrelying it away. THere's always someone out there with work they need done and don't know how to do and there's all sorts of things to barter.

 

See, that was the advantage of having a disadvantage of being too feminine looking to attract anyone-- no social life, no ties, but also, no dependents. And then you learn about what Einstein called the 8th wonder of the world-- compound interest.

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Celyn: The Lutening

Today's dysphoria is an angry toddler.

 

*SCREAMING*

"What's the matter, little guy? Is the sports bra not cutting it? Do we need to bind?"

*MORE SCREAMING*

"Use your words. Is it hair? Clothes?"

*CONTINUES SCREAMING*

"It's not our hips is it?"

*SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

"If you want to feel better you need to tell me what's wrong."

*STILL SCREAMING*

 

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Custard Cream
8 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Today's dysphoria is an angry toddler.

 

*SCREAMING*

"What's the matter, little guy? Is the sports bra not cutting it? Do we need to bind?"

*MORE SCREAMING*

"Use your words. Is it hair? Clothes?"

*CONTINUES SCREAMING*

"It's not our hips is it?"

*SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

"If you want to feel better you need to tell me what's wrong."

*STILL SCREAMING*

 

You OK? 

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Celyn: The Lutening
1 hour ago, CustardCream said:

You OK? 

Yeah, I am, sadly, used to it.

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@Celyn, I feel the same way some days.  It isn't always simple and obvious to figure out your own needs.

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ElasticPlanet
On 5/25/2019 at 6:43 PM, Celyn said:

Today's dysphoria is an angry toddler.

Sorry it's happening that way - sounds just awful 😞.

 

Mine is totally different. More like passive aggressive. So stubbornly uncommunicative that even 3 years after I started easing my way out of the closet as agender, I still doubt my right to call it dysphoria. Yes I feel it's 'made of the same stuff' as proper dysphoria... but is it bad enough to count? ... but it's the same kind of thing ... but is it bad enough? ... but ... but yeah but no but... 😣

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