I'm not sure where I fit when it comes to gender...

[Confusion 0]

... Hence my name.

Hi everyone! I am a 19-year-old heterosexual male, but I'm not sure I feel like a male.

First of all, I've never been very masculine. I don't have any typical masculine personality traits. In fact, I think I have more feminine personality traits if I'm honest.

I don't feel uncomfortable in my own body, but I'd rather not have a penis or testicles, but don't know what I'd rather have in their place (I just think penises and testicles are horrible).

Sometimes I have these fantasies where I'm a girl, but if I was a girl, I'd much prefer to be nearly flat-chested. Unlike what I said before, in this case I would rather have a vagina than nothing. In these fantasies, I still see myself attracted solely to females.

I like dressing in male clothing, and sometimes when I see another guy, I'll think "Wow, I like his style". With females, I can appreciate how they dress, but it's in more of an 'attraction' way.

I like having long hair.

I started growing a beard in my mid-teens to stop being mistaken for a girl, but these days I'm thinking of just shaving it off. It just feels 'too' masculine for me.

If I were ever in a relationship, I'd prefer to be the younger partner.

I am very empathic, and feel really bad about hurting anyone's feelings. I also get lonely very easily and like to chat with people whenever possible. I am very honest towards people I talk to, and feel bad about being dishonest/lying. I admit when I'm wrong, and accept my defeat with dignity.

I've considered cross-dressing, but I don't think I like the idea, I just wouldn't feel right. If I had a female body, yeah, I'd go for it.

I don't have any typical masculine or feminine interests. Instead, I have rather neutral interests such as music, art and nature.

My subconscious mind is definitely male. Just trust me on this one.

I don't like very masculine people, whether they are male or female. I just don't get on very well with them.

In general, I'd say I feel like... Me, but I don't know who me is. Thanks for reading everyone, and I hope you have some helpful things to say :D

[butterflydreams]

Well thanks for stopping by and sharing :) It sure seems like you've given this a good amount of thought. You're certainly not the only one to ask these questions, or wonder about these things. Generally, I don't know what to say to be helpful to someone like you. It comes out as suggesting you try things out, explore feelings more, see if you can identify something that makes you feel really "right".

Those are definitely good things to do still, and I always recommend them. But I have a different question for you. I'm going to assume you've read over some list of gender descriptions. Either the really great one pinned here in this sub forum, or somewhere else. If you haven't done that, go ahead and check it out first, then come back here.

Ok, now, you say right in the beginning that you're not sure you feel like a male. If all of us here could read what you wrote and respond with authority and accuracy that you were ______, what would you hope we'd say?

I like framing it like this because I think most of us, deep down, we know what we are. I know I'm personally notorious in that regard. But a lot of us are trained, either by ourselves, others or both to hide those things. We want others to tell us that it's ok. We want to hear things externally. But that doesn't make it more real than how you feel deep inside.

Maybe it's the power of hindsight, but I can remember my first post here, almost a year ago. I shuffled stuff, said this and that, tried to phrase things a certain way...but looking back, I know what I wanted to hear. I don't know how it couldn't have been obvious to me then. It took several months for me to say it, but I know now I never wanted to hear anything else. I wanted to hear that deep down, yes, I was a girl, and yes, I could become the complete girl I always should've been.

So, it's a very important question to ask yourself. What would you hope we'd tell you if we could know what you truly were with accuracy and authority? And there's a small follow: how would that answer make you feel?

Don't feel like you have to respond right away. Just sit with these questions and thoughts for a while. I bet no one has ever asked you them before. Give yourself all the time you need :)

[Dakkon]

Research Crossdreamers.

[Prairie]

My basic question: what do you want to resolve with finding something you fit into?

Does considering yourself male work for you? Is part of the issue that you want to be able to call yourself something to other people so they can better understand you, and that calling yourself male doesn't give them the right image? Do you consider aspects of yourself to not fit male so find it diminishing to only have that as a label currently? Would having nothing to label yourself with be unsatisfying?

I ask these because the purpose of describing/labeling very much determines how you go about doing so and what you come up with. A botanist's classification of plants will be different than a farmer's, since the very categories exist to help with some other task.

[Confusion 0]

Thanks for trying to help guys, but I did a little experiment of my own, and the results were very strange.

Basically, I shaved my beard off, and put my hair up in pigtails (I always pictured a female me to have pigtails). At first, I felt awkward and silly, but after a while, I began to actually feel like girl. At first, I went a bit hyper, as it felt amazing. But that's when it started to get a bit odd... First of all, I disliked the clothes I was wearing. I was fine before, but now it just didn't feel like they were very 'me'. The second thing I noticed was when I went to make a sandwich, I had this feeling of "Why am I doing this? Someone else should make it for me". Third, I went to the toilet and when I started urinating, I just thought "This doesn't feel right. I want a vagina". Then, later on, I realised I wasn't happy with the actual size of my body. I felt I should have been substantially shorter. The fifth thing I noticed was that I started to feel like an imposter. I felt like I didn't know either of my dogs, and using my computer felt like I was invading someone's privacy. The sixth thing I didn't like was being called by my 'male' name when I was talking to my (very supportive) friends. I wanted a female name to be referred to as. One thing that didn't change was the fact that I still spoke the same way when I was talking to my friends online through text. When I eventually let my hair down again after many hours of feeling like a girl, I just went back to normal again.

My conclusion is that I have some kind of young girl personality inside me, which I can choose to turn on and off, just by changing my hair. It would explain my asexuality if half of me is a child. It also explains how I always felt comfortable being male, but also wanted to be female at the same time.

This doesn't even sound like genderfluid or DID, as I am in control of when I change personality.

Well, now I'm curious as to what I really am yet again. I do miss female me at the moment, and I will be visiting her again soon.

[Heart]

This sounds like a version of bigender. Many bigender people don't choose when they change genders, but I don't see why you wouldn't be "allowed" to change on demand. If anything, this sounds really useful! ;)

Whether you find a label or not though, I'm glad you're having fun exploring! It sounds great :)

Also, Hadley, Prairie, Dakkon, why are you so awesome? I can't keep up here! :P

[Northwest]

I also do not feel masculine. If I have feminine traits, it would only be because other people label some of my behavior as feminine, because I feel more neutral than anything. I don't particularly like either label for myself.

I used to feel ashamed of having a disgusting body and ashamed of thinking my body was disgusting when I was "supposed" to love it because it was mine. At some point I had the epiphany that I had not done anything to create the body I that I had (at least, not the parts I didn't like), and so there wasn't any reason to feel shameful. It still grosses me out, but I don't feel like I am to blame for the way it looks anymore. I do not and never have wanted genitals of any kind. Or facial hair, body hair, or a deeper voice. Puberty mostly succeeded in making me like my body less. It feels like it was really pointless for me.

I personally feel like my interests are neutral, but other people could likely view them differently. My sister is in a lot of theater performances and she got me interested in some musicals. This led some people at school to think I was gay. Seems like a really strange assumption to me, but what do I know?

In general, I'd say I feel like... Me, but I don't know who me is.

I think a lot of people feel that way, but that's just a guess. I don't generally like being associated with boys and I am really uncomfortable with being referred to as a man. At the same time, I don't especially feel like a girl or woman and am not interested in feeling that way. It is pretty confusing for me too.