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itsthattimeagain

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itsthattimeagain

Hi all,

I did post this yesterday in the welcome section but in retrospect I may have been better posting in here...

Hi all,
I am new here although I have been a ‘lurker’ for quite some time. I decided today to take the plunge and join up
I am a mid 30s male in a more or less sexless relationship.
I have been with my wife for over 12years and in the initial stages of our relationship sex featured pretty highly for both of us. We had our first child after 6years together and had our second 3years ago.
After the birth of our first child sex more or less dried up, maybe once every couple of months or so. It was 2years after the birth of our second child before sex again. And since then we have had sex only once more.
During this time my wife found some information on being asexual and she believes she may well be asexual. We have discussed the situation as best we can and she does I think see my point of view, that is to me sex or atleast some form of intimacy is important.
She says she does enjoy it when it happens but that she would enot initiate sex.
Indeed in our 12years I can recall only once where she has initiated sex.
Now at best we have a cuddle in bed. She never faces me, I cuddle her.
I find my wife incredibly attractive and she is fully aware of this although she does not believe me. She was a little overweight (never bothered me in the slightest) and she used to say she would feel happier about being intimate when she lost some weight.
She has dropped 2 dress sizes and I am incredibly proud of her, but still no intimacy.
She will have a change of career direction later this year and she has said that she feels this will make her feel worth more and this may kick start something in her as she does have low self esteem.
Thing is, I also have very low self esteem and for me one way of countering this was to feel desired.
We talk openly about most things and try to talk about this, but I always get the feeling she feels guilty in someway and usually for a while after the discussion she will seem more affectionate. Not to the degree of anything happening.
I feel awful for appearing critical of my wife. She has said I just need to say when I want something but to me it just seems a bit mechanical and thats not what I am wanting
I just feel something needs to change on the intimacy level.

I know in reality nothing will probably change but it feels a whole lot better having written it all down.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this

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Schattenschatz

Has she considered therapy? Obviously, if she is asexual, then that is not going to be 'fixed' by talking to a therapist or otherwise, but the self-esteem issue is something that might be helped by therapy. The problem with self-esteem issues is that they're often not really based on anything concrete, so her losing weight or getting a promotion won't necessarily make her feel much better about herself, instead she is likely to find some other reason why in her mind she's not worth much.

From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like she's at all averse to sex, she's even said she enjoys it, but she has made it fairly clear she doesn't want to initiate. Perhaps a good idea for you is not only to try initiating intimacy with her but also to do it in a way that makes her feel special and loved, which could help with her self esteem. If just asking feels too mechanical to you, setting up 'mood moments' to show her how much you love/appreciate/are attracted to her might help the process to feel more organic for you. Instead of going into it expecting sex, gauge the mood and if she seems relaxed and receptive to being affectionate with you, you could ask her if she would be willing to have sex. Be open to her saying no, and if she does, don't think of it as a 'failure' on your part. Anything that makes the two of you feel more intimate and relaxed with each other will facilitate a deeper bond and easier communication.

As far as your self-esteem goes, you should know that she likely does 'desire' you, just not in the same way that you desire her. Of course ideally your self-esteem should not be based on what ANYONE thinks of you, but there is likely no reason to feel bereft in your relationship when it seems to me that your wife loves you deeply, and also respects and trusts you enough to be open and honest with you about topics that may be difficult for her to discuss.

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I can relate to your situation. I am dating an asexual female, possibly aromantic as well. I agree with Schattenschatz's statement that you should not base your self-esteem on what anyone else thinks of you, but I understand it is nice to feel desired and needed from time to time. I don't think it is a selfish, conceited act to want to be complimented or have someone-especially your significant other- pursue you.

That being said you and I are in very different positions. Our relationships are "non-traditional" and we can not cling to "traditional" expectations. I too am having a hard time wrapping my head around my situation and where I fit into my current relationship. I don't have some prophetic piece of advice or the silver bullet to our problems other than keep the communication line WIDE OPEN. Just know that you aren't the only sexual out there experiencing things like this.

I am glad you feel better writing it down. I have turned to poetry as an outlet for my frustrations. I wish you the best of luck.

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