Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Honey_Badger

Minor freak out over the word "Caedromantic."

Recommended Posts

Honey_Badger

Okay. Hi, I'm Badger -

(This is where you mumble "Hi, Badger,")

And I've had PTSD since I was nine, so this is going to be a tough one. For, uh, reasons too long to fully explain, I went from "I'm a late bloomer," to "I'm ace and therefore can't be aro too because that's too many things wrong with me," to "I'm ace but I obviously can't be aro because I have C-PTSD," to "well I was probably Aro-Ace before that, so..." and then tonight I stumbled on the word caedromantic (the feeling that you're unable to do romance because of trauma,) which... I don't know, guys. On the one hand, there is a definite feeling for me that my PTSD keeps cropping up and making it impossible to have whatever a normal life looks like for somebody who's Aromantic, Asexual and mildly obsessed with writing mysteries.

But on the other hand... I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that another part of me was taken away. Not that I don't deal with that lingering doubt anyway.

I want a partner. I want to watch really terrible movies with someone. I want to get up at night and be able to hear someone else in the house. I want someone who won't abandon me the moment they get a chance at romance. I don't know if it's that I want to be part of a family of two, or if it's something else, but I have always wanted a permanent best friend, someone who understands me more than anyone else and even accepts my weirdness. I want a Watson. I have always been this lonely in my soul.

But the person who I thought would be that to me? That person destroyed my childhood. He psychogically and emotionally tortured me for almost nine years. To this day I am sometimes afraid that he will find me and kill me like he said he would. And I don't know if I can ever really have the thing I really want, because I don't know if I can ever trust someone enough, again, to hand them the keys to my soul.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FaerieFate

Hey Badger!

No matter what your label is. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. I know it's hard to accept that. I wet through a really bad two months when I learned I was ace because I thought there was something wrong with me, or that I just wanted the attention. I've had a bad few months where while I had a lot of people who liked me, I couldn't open up and trust anyone enough to go out with them. I've had times where I couldn't love someone and couldn't let them in because I was so hurt, and I thought that letting people in would hurt me more. I've had several occasions where I couldn't handle the world and just wanted to block off all emotions. I don't know what you're going through, but I know how it feels to have a hard time loving, but still want to find that forever partner. Honestly, I do.

I don't know what happened to you, and I won't ask you to tell me. That's personal. However, I can say this.

Just because you're aromantic doesn't mean that you're incapable of love or finding your forever partner. Yes, it may be harder, but a partner is a best friend. The romantic stuff may be harder on you, but the best romances were the ones where they act like best friends. Your partner will know that little quirks that you like, and you wonder how they knew. You take things in stride, and they're always there for you. You even have your own cute way of getting through hard times, even if it's because the two of you just had a fight. It's a best friend.

Are you Caedromantic? I can't label you. Only you can. However, I do think it's entirely possible for you to find someone for you despite the problems and baggage. Trust me, I've seen some impossible people get married, and I've had plenty of people want to date me and be perfectly fine with me being asexual. Because that's what a partner does. They take you, flaws and all.

I'm not a trained therapist or anything, so take this with a grain of salt. I do think you can find a forever partner. However, I think you need to learn to trust and open up first. Yes, it'll be hard. Yes, it'll hurt, a lot. Yes, you'll get people that betray your trust and hurt you. That's what I didn't get when I opened up. I kept getting all of these people that hurt me, but I eventually learned that that's part of the process. Now I have the best friends that are even better than my family at times. I finally feel like a human that can trust and be vulnerable again.

Maybe see a therapist? You said you have PTSD, and knowing someone with it, nothing can help more than the right therapist.

Sorry if this wasn't much help, I can't give advice, but regardless of your label, you can still find someone out there for you. I strongly believe that. Even if you can't love or don't experience romantic attraction. You just have to be ready to let people in and take a risk first.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dodecahedron314

*hugs Badger* I can't say that I know what it feels like to be in your situation--of course I don't, I haven't been through the same things you have. As such, there's no way I can tell you what's the right or wrong way for you to identify--and neither can anyone else, for that matter. You've been on AVEN for a while (longer than I have judging by your post count), so you already know that. So, this post won't be me suggesting identities or offering reassurance specifically on PTSD, or even on relationships in general, because I'm just not qualified for that.

Instead, it's just going to be me saying that there's hope. I can't say how I know that, or how it will manifest, only that there's always a possibility for things to get better. Recovery from anything takes a lot of time--that's just the nature of the beast, as it were. The rebuilding process takes time, and sometimes that process will look like some demented IKEA bookshelf where you can't even tell if some of the parts they're talking about in the exceedingly cryptic instructions were included in the box in the first place. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't--but one way or another, you'll have your bookshelf in the end, even if you have to go about it a bit differently than the instructions say.

I don't know if that extremely weird metaphor helped any, but in any case, keep on keeping on. It's entirely possible that you might find that hex wrench in the strangest place. :cake:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...