Bisexual, Sexual, mostly heteroromantic -discovering he may be in a relationship with an Asexual

[myoddsmoremauve]

Hello.

I've only made one other post, it's not very nice. I had to get it off my chest. I hate all the terminology, so the above is the best I can do to describe myself. I'alm male, in a long term relationship where sex has always been a minefield of problems.

The concept of Asexuality is not new to me. My parents had problems that I can identify with in our own relationship - and the damage it did to them (my mother became an alcoholic and committed suicide), my dad seemed to just be blind sided by it all and existed mostly in misery with my mother despite having four kids - the definition didn't exist then (edit: wasn't as well known) - but no-one can tell me that there aren't Asexual people. I just didn't know I was in a relationship with an Asexual person. You can look at history, science, the arts, popular culture and see examples of it everywhere. Didn't Stephen Fry once describe himself as Asexual. Many people consider sex as mucky, messy, comical - I get that. I sort of understand. But as an extremely sexual person I'm here to tell you I LOVE SEX.

Sex is the one simple pleasure in life. Oh, I know it's not simple in practice. But for me it transports me to a new world, it allows me to feel a deep, personal connection with the person I am making love to. It makes me feel alive. I regard it as like an art form, every new experience has the potential to be something special.

As a bi-guy I have licked pussy, sucked cock, been in threesomes, had anal sex - I've pretty much done any formulation of sexual activities two (sometimes more) adults can do with each other. I got 'stuck' in a relationship where sex could be described as a few minutes of missionary position about once a month. I say stuck because I love my partner, I fell into romantic love with her way before she did me - I actually had to convince her there was a relationship worth having, but I had no idea how hard it would be. If I didn't love her - this would be easy - would have said bye, bye a loooooong time ago. Because the pain, frustration, misery that we have both felt from time ti time has really hurt.

So, if you want to know what a sexual person thinks / feels - then maybe the only constructive thing I can do at this moment is give you some idea. From what I have learned from some Asexuals your world is totally different, alien to mine. You seem to be in a growing minority, by which I mean - I suspect there are many, many more of you, but that you will still be the general exception to the rule. It's okay, but I would like to see the idea of Asexuality promoted so that more people can find themselves and prevent the kind of mismatch we are currently enduring and all the problems, deep compromises it presents. I think this is why online dating has taken off - as it allows people to search not just by face, location, hobbies but in some cases sexual preferences. Ideally I'd like to see a world were sexual and asexual people can know themselves and be upfront about their needs when deciding if they want to pursue a relationship. If you read my other post - you can see how seriously I feel about this.

[whocaresthough]

Love this post (while the sex part kind of tore me up) because it's such a true statement. We really need to raise awareness of asexuals not only for aces ourselves, but for others who may get involved with an ace!

Thank you for understanding our differences in opinion and accepting them, no matter how hard it may be for your relationship <3

[Guest]

Mmm, yes, many of us would agree visibility is important for this reason. I could have avoided 10 years of trying to find what I liked, as people pushed me to do, because I was assured everyone liked sex somehow and I just needed to learn my interest/kink/whatever to become a totally sexual person. Could have avoided crying over many of the things I let people do in that search for the magical activity. And could have avoided two years of fighting with my current partner over why I wasn't interested in sex. Most likely he would have never dated me to begin with, but it would have been better to be able to go into a relationship knowing this mismatch existed.

Though, we have figured it out a little - to the point he feels content (as far as he's told me) and we got married AFTER the knowledge of asexuality and after I plainly told him my interest in sex is never going to become what he's used to in partners.

I hope you figure something out to make you both happy in the end - whatever that may be. :)