Lesbian Friend, Mixed Signals(?), Questioning my Asexuality (again)

[orah]

I posted this on another site looking for responses, and received none, so bear with me.

I am a 21 year-old-female, having some uncertainty about my platonic friendship with a 23 year old lesbian.

We are what you can say good friends. My issue lies in boundaries, questioning sexuality, a true platonic friendship and all that jazz.You see, now, I'm a completely inexperienced woman when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships, I have never been in one. I have been questioning my sexuality for a long time, but I think I fall somewhere on the gray-A spectrum. I sometimes feel the desire for one, but its extremely difficult for me to imagine.

As you've read in the title, my friend is a lesbian. She's extremely affectionate to all her friends. She's always touching, holding and hugging the people that she considers her friends; this woman is rather tall too (180cm) , so it's adorable to see her bend down to do this, but I digress.

A couple of nights ago, we went to a small house party. It started out pretty mellow, but escalated once we had a few drinks. She was extremely sensual with everyone around her; me, men, women and transgendered individuals. It made me so confused; 1. because I reserve that type of interaction for people I love (like kissing my mom and dad or holding them tight) and 2. because its like her personality was transformed, like where did all of this emotion come from? I have been around people who drink alcohol, but I tend to stay away because this type of behavior makes me feel uncomfortable, because once they wake up, its like nothing happened.

In addition to this, my friend would always want to hug and cuddle me on the dance floor, and kiss my body occasionally while we were dancing. I'm confused because she kept talking about how great a friend I am, but was acting in a non-platonic way. But she did this to her other trans/genderneutral friends, but was bit different to me.

She behaved similarly a year ago when we went to different clubs in the same city. She drunk dialed me saying how much she liked me, but I turned out that she had just lost her cat and broke of two friendships in the same day (for reasons I do not know)

After the party was over, we got a taxi home and I stayed the night at her apartment in her bed. Nothing happened. The why I'm questioning my friendship with her, my "attraction", and my sexuality, is that when she tells me about her sexual escapades and women that he finds attractive, wants to have sex with etc. , I think I feel myself getting jealous. When she talks to me about these things, which is often, I often think, "Am I not good enough?" "She must think I'm ugly, that's why she keeps telling me we are friends" "If she doesn't find any of my features attractive, who does or will?". The thing is I don't think that I am a lesbian or pansexual/panromantic, so how can I have these possessive feelings toward her? It's like I want her to say these things about me, because I've never experienced anybody feeling that way towards me because I'm unworthy.

I've battled anorexia and bulimia as a teenager, dealing with bouts of depression now, and have struggled body image issues my entire life due to having large congenital nevi. Maintaining friendship was difficult for me growing up because I grew up in a military family. I do care for her and find myself giddy when she touches my hand, face, arms, but I also think it may be because I'm "touch starved".

If she has romantic attraction towards me, I don't even know what would do or how I would feel. Logically, I know that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with another woman because it is taboo in my culture (my parents are strictly Muslim, and I am not so much...). She's thinks highly of me and when I'm around her, I feel special. Amazed that someone not related to me wants to spend this much time and is friendly and affectionate to me.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach the situation and don't even understand some of my feelings. I'm an INTJ, I often live in my head because I'm so used it and am not sure if I'm overanalyzing.

**tl;dr**:

I am unsure of these "mixed signals" from my lesbian friend. I am questioning my emotions and sexuality, because of my struggles with mental health.

[allrightalready]

it is quite possible that it is no reflection on you, she may just be respecting your boundaries being asexual or suspecting you to be straight so she directs her actions towards those she thinks more appropriate as partners

[Moon Haku]

We are what you can say good friends. My issue lies in boundaries, questioning sexuality, a true platonic friendship and all that jazz.You see, now, I'm a completely inexperienced woman when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships, I have never been in one. I have been questioning my sexuality for a long time, but I think I fall somewhere on the gray-A spectrum. I sometimes feel the desire for one, but its extremely difficult for me to imagine.

As you've read in the title, my friend is a lesbian. She's extremely affectionate to all her friends. She's always touching, holding and hugging the people that she considers her friends; this woman is rather tall too (180cm) , so it's adorable to see her bend down to do this, but I digress.

That sounded like it was me writing (?)

I'm in a similar situation the difference is that my friend is also questioning her sexuality, so that makes two really confused individuals.

My therapist told me that the answer of this kind of "situation" is inside you. You need to look for the answer deep inside you.

First forget about the different variables, just think in a perfect situation where all it's perfect; would you want/like to be with her in a romantic relationship?

[orah]

it is quite possible that it is no reflection on you, she may just be respecting your boundaries being asexual or suspecting you to be straight so she directs her actions towards those she thinks more appropriate as partners

Thanks, to my surprise, she does think I am straight. Maybe I give off straight vibes, apparently I don't show much facial expression, so I can tell she never really knows how I'm feeling? I think she is respecting my boundaries too, when I replied to her drunk dialed voicemail ( it happened a few months ago) I emphasized that I hope we could remain friends then.

[orah]

We are what you can say good friends. My issue lies in boundaries, questioning sexuality, a true platonic friendship and all that jazz.You see, now, I'm a completely inexperienced woman when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships, I have never been in one. I have been questioning my sexuality for a long time, but I think I fall somewhere on the gray-A spectrum. I sometimes feel the desire for one, but its extremely difficult for me to imagine.

As you've read in the title, my friend is a lesbian. She's extremely affectionate to all her friends. She's always touching, holding and hugging the people that she considers her friends; this woman is rather tall too (180cm) , so it's adorable to see her bend down to do this, but I digress.

That sounded like it was me writing (?)

I'm in a similar situation the difference is that my friend is also questioning her sexuality, so that makes two really confused individuals.

My therapist told me that the answer of this kind of "situation" is inside you. You need to look for the answer deep inside you.

First forget about the different variables, just think in a perfect situation where all it's perfect; would you want/like to be with her in a romantic relationship?

Thanks Haku01. After ruminating upon the situation, I met with her a couple days and we spent sometime together. Even if the situations perfect, I don't know if I can say that I would want to be in a romantic relationship with her 1. Because I've never been in one, and have so many insecurities, that I don't know what it would be like to be in a relationship with that lingering in the background. 2. Because it sounds scary, dragging someone into my identity issues.

[Wyrmcraft]

It sounds like you are afraid that you aren't ready for this and that she might be hurt because of your identity.

Because of that, I think you might want to consider this relationship. EVERYONE is scared that the relationship won't work out and everyone has issues. The key is to be upfront about what you're scared of and what you want/don't want. Communication is the BEST way to establish a good relationship. Now I'm not telling you to do it, but I'm telling you to really thing about it and what you want. Put those fears aside for a second and really think about what you want. Most regrets come from things you never did, rather than things you shouldn't have done.

[Moon Haku]

I think if you think that you aren't ready for that kind of commitment then it's perfectly okay to not want to be in a relationship right now whatever the reasons are, you're the one that decides after all. That's my personal opinion ...

In my case I kinda feel the same; I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I feel like I need to put myself together first, have a clear mind to be able to recognize my feelings ... I cannot take care of another person if I'm not good myself.

[Prairie]

Jealousy isn't limited to people you are sexually/romantically attracted to. It can be towards friends, parents, siblings, co-workers, etc.

[Naosuu]

Moving this thread from The Gray Area to Asexual Relationships.

Naosuu, The Gray Area moderator

[Zash]

it is quite possible that it is no reflection on you, she may just be respecting your boundaries being asexual or suspecting you to be straight so she directs her actions towards those she thinks more appropriate as partners

Thanks, to my surprise, she does think I am straight. Maybe I give off straight vibes, apparently I don't show much facial expression, so I can tell she never really knows how I'm feeling? I think she is respecting my boundaries too, when I replied to her drunk dialed voicemail ( it happened a few months ago) I emphasized that I hope we could remain friends then.

She might think you are straight because you no-sold some subtle advances she made, and she decided to back off than try to 'convert' you (which is what a decent person would do). She is probably unaware of the existence of asexuality, and she assumed since not interested in her, you are straight.

Also, stop and reflect a moment... The previous lovers she mentions, do they have any similarities to you? She may be trying to tell you what she is looking for, or that you or matching some qualities she likes. And she is telling you you are friends because she thinks your straight, and she doesn't want to lose you as a friend. Sorta, "I like these girls, but, I am not going to approach you because I know you aren't interested."

She does sound like a winner, because she does respect your boundaries. I don't think she is being malicious, and may be even attracted to you, but, she respects you. So, she doesn't want to make things awkward.