What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[a_bunny]

I just turned 18 in the spring and have only recently began actually thinking about sex, because i'm also finding that I want a girlfriend/partner just in general for the first time in my life. I used to think it was kind of gross and i didn't understand it whatsoever, but i recently had my first sexual experience (with myself because i figured i should try it out) and things kind of clicked for me? i guess i had to figure out more about my body and what exactly sex could possibly feel like before i got it, and i went on a whole research deep dive to learn about my anatomy because i'm a nerd. it's really very interesting!! Now i'm pretty much sex-favorable and honestly am looking forward to trying it at some point, although i continue to not have any sexual attraction lol.

[knerd.knitter]

I am tentatively optimistic about having found this website. For a long time, I've just considered myself "broken".

 

I would like to share my story and get opinions on whether I actually fit into some form of asexuality (probably something gray-sexual).

 

**WARNING** Sexually explicit content

 

I am a cisgendered woman, generally attracted to men.

 

As a teenager, I felt sexual urges and masturbated quite often. I had a few crushes and desperately wanted a boyfriend. More specifically, I wanted a soul mate.

 

I had one boyfriend in high school and never had any sexual contact with him or anyone else. I never even kissed anyone. I loved to slow dance as I enjoyed the intimacy of being close to someone I liked.

 

When I got to college, I got my first serious boyfriend (who, spoiler alert, became my husband; we've been together for 21 years, and I do consider him my soul mate, and I think he considers me his). We decided to save sex for marriage, but we engaged in mutual masturbation fairly often until about a year before we were planning to get married.

 

Here's where I'm not sure if my sexuality is actually identity or just medical side effect...

 

About a year before we got married I went on birth control for the first time. Also, I decided that I wanted to engage in sexual activities less, so that we would have something to look forward to after our wedding.

 

I don't remember if I engaged in a lot of masturbating alone during that time. I just can't really remember.

 

After we were married, we tried to have sex, but I found it very painful. The sensations were confusing, and I couldn't differentiate pain from pleasure.

In the time since then, we have discovered a few things:
-We should have been using lubricant
-We should have been using sex toys (i.e., dildos are helpful for me prior to intercourse, and vibrators are helpful for achieving orgasms)

 

Somewhere between the year without any real sexual activities, hormonal birth control, going on antidepressants, and the pain I had with sex, I found myself having very little interest in sex. I think I found myself disappointed that it wasn't more, like I felt I had been led to believe by media and popular culture. I have a lot of thoughts about that, but will refrain for now.

 

We got to the point where we scheduled sex for once a week, and I often found myself dreading it.

 

Six years ago, we adopted a baby, which has been wonderful, but has led to sex being even more infrequent (and having to be scheduled even more).

 

Now, another thing that may affect my sexual identity is that I am capable of orgasms, and can often have many of them during sex. However, I need clitoral stimulation for this to happen. When I have stopped clitoral stimulation during sex, the intercourse itself feels like nothing more than what it is to me.

 

My husband has stood by me through all of this, reassuring me that I'm not "broken" even though his sexual interest is much higher than mine, but I still have the feeling that something is not normal about my sexuality.

 

As I said, I've always thought that the combination of hormonal birth control and various anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are all that cause my issues, but the more I have learned about asexuality and gray-ace, the more I wonder if there's more to it than that.

 

As far as attraction goes, I believe I am demisexual (generally not attracted to someone until I am emotionally connected to them) and sapiosexual (attracted to people I believe to be intelligent). I occasionally (but rarely) have sexual dreams where I find myself having very strong sexual urges toward a person in my dream. I also view certain actors or characters as attractive, although almost exclusively because of personality. I would never say that I wanted to have sex with any person I didn't actually know, real or fictional. Most often, I am attracted to a character within the context of their relationship with someone else (stupid example, but as a big X-Files fan, I am attracted to Mulder, but I do not want a relationship with him myself, I want him to have a relationship with Scully!)

I do also consider myself "sex-positive" in that I do not have any opposition to other people's sexual preferences, whatever they may be (assuming consent). I am a little uncomfortable talking about sex, which makes me think I'm not as sex-positive as I think, but I suspect the confusion I have about my own sexuality is more the issue than anything else. I also do not like kissing very much; the physical act of french kissing is a little gross to me, maybe a germ thing? 

 

I do love cake! Although my real favorite is ice cream! I would also generally prefer a foot rub to having sex.

 

So, that's what I can think of right now. Sorry for the very long post. I am just really curious what other people with more knowledge about asexuality would have to say about my story.

 

Thank you!

 

Lucy

[Guest]

@knerd.knitter

 

You mentioned sexual urges and masturbation when young. It is possible for asexuals to want to masturbate and have the urge to do so. Is that what you mean by sexual urges?

 

 

wanting a partner can be a romantic desire, and can lack a desire for sex, romantic and sexual feelings, attractions, and desires might be separate from each other in some people, and some feel only sexual attraction or only romantic attraction. Some people who feel both feel as if these ideas can be separable too, where the idea of the split attraction model really helps them understand their orientation a bit better. There is sexual attraction, romantic attraction, sensual attraction (which is attraction and desire based on physical touch, such as kissing, cuddling, and other physical intimacies that don't involve sex), platonic attraction (e.g. wanting to be friends) and aesthetic attraction (attraction based on looks). It is also possible for people to feel attraction that's something in between platonic and romantic, which would be alterous attraction. 

 

 

 

 

 

[will123]

@knerd.knitter Welcome to AVEN! I hope you can find some answers here. Don't worry about the long post. Our stories when we finally open up to others usually are that way.

[knerd.knitter]

14 hours ago, binary suns said:

@knerd.knitter

 

You mentioned sexual urges and masturbation when young. It is possible for asexuals to want to masturbate and have the urge to do so. Is that what you mean by sexual urges?

Yes, like being turned on.

[lovely_xm07]

I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily sex-favorable, but I think I am curious to try some sex related activities. Most of the time, I’m pretty sex-indifferent, sometimes sex-averse, but mostly sex-indifferent. However, only when I get some sexual urges, I become more open to trying certain things. I would genuinely like to try some things later on in the future. Nothing too intense, just “scratching the surface” type stuff. Idk! 😅 I don’t think that stuff would happen often. Only when I feel like it.

 

It’s really complicated when I try to explain it. I know I am ace and I don’t experience sexual attraction, but then I think about sex sometimes and again, only those times I get curious. Again, would just like to try some stuff and see where it goes. I think I’m open to exploring and I’m starting to become more open/comfortable with my sexuality. So I’d like to know how I feel about certain things. 

[mooseprincess]

On 10/30/2024 at 1:13 PM, knerd.knitter said:

 

 

As I said, I've always thought that the combination of hormonal birth control and various anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are all that cause my issues, but the more I have learned about asexuality and gray-ace, the more I wonder if there's more to it than that.

 

I'm not going to "quote" your entire post, though I felt that a lot of it resonated with me. I've had a lot of these thoughts of maybe my feelings are due to X or Y or Z external thing, but when I went off birth control pills, when I stopped breastfeeding, etc. it didn't give my libido or attraction any more of a kickstart. I can totally relate to feeling that I wanted a partner but not really thinking too much about the sexual portion. 

 

Sex just isn't a priority to me. I spent years trying to figure out a rationale and understand why it was such a big deal to everyone else. Asked a lot of people why it was that people chose to have sex. They probably all thought I was a lunatic. Eventually I realized that I was just wired differently. Sex is part of being an adult, sure, but so are a lot of other things that I would rather not have to do but will do if necessary (paying taxes, getting the car fixed, and so on). With sex, however, it's not *necessary*. Most people who do it do it because they really want to, but if I don't, it's not required. 

[lovely_xm07]

On 1/10/2025 at 6:52 PM, lovely_xm07 said:

I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily sex-favorable, but I think I am curious to try some sex related activities.

So I’ve dabbling with the term “placiosexual” as I’m starting to gain a slight interest in certain sexual activities but can only imagine myself giving NOT receiving. Receiving is completely off the table for me, however, when it comes to giving, there is a slight enjoyment in doing so. I think in those moments I would feel sex favorable. But again, only when giving! I think because I’m placiosexual I could maybe engage in these activities at any time, just so long as I’m the one giving. I will say that the idea of giving does really interest me as I like the idea of pleasing someone.
 

It’s hard to explain, but I wouldn’t find it completely sexual. I know it’s sexual for them but I’d like the idea of just being in charge. I would also just see it as an action and not apply anything sexual to it.  Does that make me sex favorable? I can’t really say if I’m placiosexual or not because I haven’t done anything to any one yet and this is just my theory. But what I’m trying to say is that I may be sex favorable at times only because I may identify with placiosexual. 

[Adrian Wolfe]

This has been a very helpful long read. Over and over, people posting here have described something very like my experience, of real world emotional intimacy being libido shattering, unless the intimacy is my fantasy illusion. My guess about this dilemma is that we are like animals sexually, in only being sexual within a non-volitional alienated passing hysteria that originates from a collective emotion in my current social bubble crowd -- that if I isolate into a secret one on one encounter with a personal friend, like our culture virtually requires, then that alienation vanishes and with it my erection. I think that we are all hard-wired to collectively participate in a need for pregnancy, through an ovulating female solicitating a frenetic superficial one to three day impersonal obsession involving no emotional baggage or political anything. Looked at that way, "sexual relationship" is an oxymoron, or innately illusion. Every personal associate of mine quickly becomes emotionally like a sibling, hence my "asexuality".

[Veronica R]

I feel so relieved to have found this community!!!
 

My boyfriend is very sexual and I felt like there's something wrong with me (or maybe we're just not compatible?) because I don't want sex and he always does. Why don't I want sex??? I'll generally participate if he initiates, but it rarely feels enjoyable for me and lately I've been feeling like I just go along with it to make him happy. Honestly, I think he would be happier with someone else who actually wants to be sexual. The very act of it just bores me, thrusting repetitively... my mind wanders off to all the more interesting and important things I could be doing instead and I ask him to hurry up and finish, and he always wants more time... Ugh, my body isn't a tropical vacation destination! He doesn't understand when I express how weird it feels to have someone else's body inside your body. It feels more like an invasion than a pleasurable experience for me.

 

Unless someone can skillfully touch me in just the right way, AND if my mind isn't preoccupied with other things, AND if I'm close to ovulation, AND if they smell good, AND if it's the right planetary alignment, AND if they haven't said anything to piss me off in the recent past, AND if I have a generous amount of available time without any appointments scheduled that day... then mayyyybe I can orgasm. But it takes a lot of time and effort and results definitely aren't guaranteed. Only one out of 5 boyfriends was ever able to consistently take me there (and unfortunately it's not this one). Trying to have an orgasm generally feels like more effort than it's worth, and let's face it -- nobody knows my body and can touch me as skillfully as myself. But as I said before, I don't crave sex. I don't feel the desire to masturbate. At most, I think, "Hey, it's been a while, an orgasm could be nice tonight" or "Hey Self, you've been kinda bitchy lately, maybe an orgasm would improve your mood?"
 

Sex with a partner is just not very fun for me and feels like another household chore that I have to do, and I become resentful towards my boyfriend because he's taking time away from all the other chores and work I have to do. His nickname is "Humpy Gonzales" because he gets turned on so fast (like Speedy Gonzales). He gets so mad when I call him that... Idk, maybe if he paid all the bills and hired a housekeeper and I didn't have to work, I wouldn't feel stressed about everything that needs to be done and I would feel more like having sex... But as long as I have to work and pay for half of everything, I'm just not excited about adding another chore to the list. Especially if he wants sex multiple times a day, that's just too much. Once a day is enough! It's still way too much for me, and I take at least one week off each month for my sacred feminine cycle. I guess relationships are about compromise, but I can't stop thinking that we're just not a good match.

 

Now here's the irony: I'm a very sensual person, I enjoy massage and transcendent sensory experiences (dancing, music, food, art, hiking, smelling flowers, bathing), and I’ve realized how much it annoys me that my boyfriend assumes any type of sensual contact is automatically sexual. He gets upset if I kiss him for longer than a second and I don't want to have sex, because he's turned on instantly.
 

I went to Zouk class once and it was the most luscious sensual experience and a huge turn on for me, but of course my boyfriend didn't want to go and then got super jealous and angry that I was dancing with other men (ugh, jealousy is a big turn off), so I never went back. But I still watch Zouk videos and fantasize about it...
 

I find both genders to be aesthetically attractive and occasionally I have romantic sexual fantasies (never do they manifest in actual reality). My fantasies are always about nonexistent humans (or supernatural beings), or people I don't know well. As soon as I get to know someone I inevitably get turned off by some character flaw or their weird smell or they talk too much and it ruins the fantasy. I enjoy dancing with other people occasionally but I always feel like I'm getting claustrophobic and need to get away from them and rinse off with cold water if it starts getting too close or grossly sweaty. I really dislike the feeling of being squished under someone else's body weight, it feels suffocating. I have no idea how some tiny women are with huge guys, I would hate that SO much!
 

Anyway, I'm sure this was TMI for you but thanks for reading and letting me share my experience. I don't care about labels or identifying with any particular group, and "gray" sounds so boring... almost as boring as sex... And I'm not boring, just bored with the same ol' P&V. And no, I am not kinky, I’ve already been to plenty of BDSM play parties, tried it all, and it's not for me. Frankly, it's hard to draw a clear line where BDSM ends and mental illness begins. I can confidently and happily say that I'm "vanilla", though I do indulge in dark chocolate and would revel in a leisurely morning licking melted chocolate off of non-hairy skin after a long hot salty bath infused with jasmine oil... 😉

[will123]

@Veronica R Welcome to AVEN from Canada! 

[KraftyCaktus]

4 hours ago, Veronica R said:

I feel so relieved to have found this community!!!
 

My boyfriend is very sexual and I felt like there's something wrong with me (or maybe we're just not compatible?) because I don't want sex and he always does. Why don't I want sex??? I'll generally participate if he initiates, but it rarely feels enjoyable for me and lately I've been feeling like I just go along with it to make him happy. Honestly, I think he would be happier with someone else who actually wants to be sexual. The very act of it just bores me, thrusting repetitively... my mind wanders off to all the more interesting and important things I could be doing instead and I ask him to hurry up and finish, and he always wants more time... Ugh, my body isn't a tropical vacation destination! He doesn't understand when I express how weird it feels to have someone else's body inside your body. It feels more like an invasion than a pleasurable experience for me.

 

Unless someone can skillfully touch me in just the right way, AND if my mind isn't preoccupied with other things, AND if I'm close to ovulation, AND if they smell good, AND if it's the right planetary alignment, AND if they haven't said anything to piss me off in the recent past, AND if I have a generous amount of available time without any appointments scheduled that day... then mayyyybe I can orgasm. But it takes a lot of time and effort and results definitely aren't guaranteed. Only one out of 5 boyfriends was ever able to consistently take me there (and unfortunately it's not this one). Trying to have an orgasm generally feels like more effort than it's worth, and let's face it -- nobody knows my body and can touch me as skillfully as myself. But as I said before, I don't crave sex. I don't feel the desire to masturbate. At most, I think, "Hey, it's been a while, an orgasm could be nice tonight" or "Hey Self, you've been kinda bitchy lately, maybe an orgasm would improve your mood?"
 

Sex with a partner is just not very fun for me and feels like another household chore that I have to do, and I become resentful towards my boyfriend because he's taking time away from all the other chores and work I have to do. His nickname is "Humpy Gonzales" because he gets turned on so fast (like Speedy Gonzales). He gets so mad when I call him that... Idk, maybe if he paid all the bills and hired a housekeeper and I didn't have to work, I wouldn't feel stressed about everything that needs to be done and I would feel more like having sex... But as long as I have to work and pay for half of everything, I'm just not excited about adding another chore to the list. Especially if he wants sex multiple times a day, that's just too much. Once a day is enough! It's still way too much for me, and I take at least one week off each month for my sacred feminine cycle. I guess relationships are about compromise, but I can't stop thinking that we're just not a good match.

 

Now here's the irony: I'm a very sensual person, I enjoy massage and transcendent sensory experiences (dancing, music, food, art, hiking, smelling flowers, bathing), and I’ve realized how much it annoys me that my boyfriend assumes any type of sensual contact is automatically sexual. He gets upset if I kiss him for longer than a second and I don't want to have sex, because he's turned on instantly.
 

I went to Zouk class once and it was the most luscious sensual experience and a huge turn on for me, but of course my boyfriend didn't want to go and then got super jealous and angry that I was dancing with other men (ugh, jealousy is a big turn off), so I never went back. But I still watch Zouk videos and fantasize about it...
 

I find both genders to be aesthetically attractive and occasionally I have romantic sexual fantasies (never do they manifest in actual reality). My fantasies are always about nonexistent humans (or supernatural beings), or people I don't know well. As soon as I get to know someone I inevitably get turned off by some character flaw or their weird smell or they talk too much and it ruins the fantasy. I enjoy dancing with other people occasionally but I always feel like I'm getting claustrophobic and need to get away from them and rinse off with cold water if it starts getting too close or grossly sweaty. I really dislike the feeling of being squished under someone else's body weight, it feels suffocating. I have no idea how some tiny women are with huge guys, I would hate that SO much!
 

Anyway, I'm sure this was TMI for you but thanks for reading and letting me share my experience. I don't care about labels or identifying with any particular group, and "gray" sounds so boring... almost as boring as sex... And I'm not boring, just bored with the same ol' P&V. And no, I am not kinky, I’ve already been to plenty of BDSM play parties, tried it all, and it's not for me. Frankly, it's hard to draw a clear line where BDSM ends and mental illness begins. I can confidently and happily say that I'm "vanilla", though I do indulge in dark chocolate and would revel in a leisurely morning licking melted chocolate off of non-hairy skin after a long hot salty bath infused with jasmine oil... 😉

Welcome! 

A lot of what you said is very much how I feel, I never would have thought of a lot of the things you mentioned as being sensual though, I also enjoy a (professional) massage, dancing (raves and large concerts, not with a partner), music, art, and hiking. Kissing I feel like falls in the sensual zone (something I don't like or understand). Of course everyone has a different view of what sensual means to them. 

Some BDSM stuff definitely seems weird to me, but again "to each his own". 

I can relate to not feeling like you necessarily need a label or have to identify with any groups (I've never understood why asexual is considered LGBT+) and I don't see the need to "come out" except when especially relevant, but I'm glad there is a space like AVEN to be able to share and learn about similar people's experiences in life, in my daily life there isn't anyone who can relate to how I feel about any of this stuff.

 

I hope you keep posting on here, would love to hear more of your experiences and how you handle issues of a sexual nature when they come up in your life.

 

[sapphic_dude]

wow there hasn't been a post here in a while lol

Well I'm sex-neutral but this is just a silly little realization that I came to with my sexuality(being horny for the first time)

Warnings: kinda tmi 

Pretty much I've been uninterested in activities involving our no-no squares, like I know about adult fun time(OT ref anyone?) despite my parents being super vague about it(like not even the talk just "it's better to wait" which translates to don't do it) so im now at the point where everyone i know is acting like we're in Euphoria w boyfriends/girlfriends and having adult fun time w them while I was maidenless and a virgin😎. I felt pretty left out in all of this but there was this one girl that I REALLY liked(who eventually ghosted me😮‍💨) but slowly I started feeling weird when I thought about her sometimes. Somedays I would just really want her to be w me but then she ghosted me so that was that. Then there was this stunning girl in my stupid math class that I wanted to ask out and I felt this strange feeling even stronger than before, she told me she was taken but I still couldn't shake those thoughts of her out of me. They weren't unpleasant, I actually quite enjoyed them I guess but they felt foreign

 

Turns out I just REALLY wanted someones mouth on me(if u know what I mean) to be satiated and I was jealous of my friends that had that

But now I'm aware that I can be content on my own and if that happens to be for the rest of my life I'm fine w that too

Thats all for my first post thanks for reading

 

[sapphic_dude]

now I've been considering mastrubation and exploring more into my sexuality since ive been afraid to in my sheltered household