What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[a_bunny]

I just turned 18 in the spring and have only recently began actually thinking about sex, because i'm also finding that I want a girlfriend/partner just in general for the first time in my life. I used to think it was kind of gross and i didn't understand it whatsoever, but i recently had my first sexual experience (with myself because i figured i should try it out) and things kind of clicked for me? i guess i had to figure out more about my body and what exactly sex could possibly feel like before i got it, and i went on a whole research deep dive to learn about my anatomy because i'm a nerd. it's really very interesting!! Now i'm pretty much sex-favorable and honestly am looking forward to trying it at some point, although i continue to not have any sexual attraction lol.

[knerd.knitter]

I am tentatively optimistic about having found this website. For a long time, I've just considered myself "broken".

 

I would like to share my story and get opinions on whether I actually fit into some form of asexuality (probably something gray-sexual).

 

**WARNING** Sexually explicit content

 

I am a cisgendered woman, generally attracted to men.

 

As a teenager, I felt sexual urges and masturbated quite often. I had a few crushes and desperately wanted a boyfriend. More specifically, I wanted a soul mate.

 

I had one boyfriend in high school and never had any sexual contact with him or anyone else. I never even kissed anyone. I loved to slow dance as I enjoyed the intimacy of being close to someone I liked.

 

When I got to college, I got my first serious boyfriend (who, spoiler alert, became my husband; we've been together for 21 years, and I do consider him my soul mate, and I think he considers me his). We decided to save sex for marriage, but we engaged in mutual masturbation fairly often until about a year before we were planning to get married.

 

Here's where I'm not sure if my sexuality is actually identity or just medical side effect...

 

About a year before we got married I went on birth control for the first time. Also, I decided that I wanted to engage in sexual activities less, so that we would have something to look forward to after our wedding.

 

I don't remember if I engaged in a lot of masturbating alone during that time. I just can't really remember.

 

After we were married, we tried to have sex, but I found it very painful. The sensations were confusing, and I couldn't differentiate pain from pleasure.

In the time since then, we have discovered a few things:
-We should have been using lubricant
-We should have been using sex toys (i.e., dildos are helpful for me prior to intercourse, and vibrators are helpful for achieving orgasms)

 

Somewhere between the year without any real sexual activities, hormonal birth control, going on antidepressants, and the pain I had with sex, I found myself having very little interest in sex. I think I found myself disappointed that it wasn't more, like I felt I had been led to believe by media and popular culture. I have a lot of thoughts about that, but will refrain for now.

 

We got to the point where we scheduled sex for once a week, and I often found myself dreading it.

 

Six years ago, we adopted a baby, which has been wonderful, but has led to sex being even more infrequent (and having to be scheduled even more).

 

Now, another thing that may affect my sexual identity is that I am capable of orgasms, and can often have many of them during sex. However, I need clitoral stimulation for this to happen. When I have stopped clitoral stimulation during sex, the intercourse itself feels like nothing more than what it is to me.

 

My husband has stood by me through all of this, reassuring me that I'm not "broken" even though his sexual interest is much higher than mine, but I still have the feeling that something is not normal about my sexuality.

 

As I said, I've always thought that the combination of hormonal birth control and various anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are all that cause my issues, but the more I have learned about asexuality and gray-ace, the more I wonder if there's more to it than that.

 

As far as attraction goes, I believe I am demisexual (generally not attracted to someone until I am emotionally connected to them) and sapiosexual (attracted to people I believe to be intelligent). I occasionally (but rarely) have sexual dreams where I find myself having very strong sexual urges toward a person in my dream. I also view certain actors or characters as attractive, although almost exclusively because of personality. I would never say that I wanted to have sex with any person I didn't actually know, real or fictional. Most often, I am attracted to a character within the context of their relationship with someone else (stupid example, but as a big X-Files fan, I am attracted to Mulder, but I do not want a relationship with him myself, I want him to have a relationship with Scully!)

I do also consider myself "sex-positive" in that I do not have any opposition to other people's sexual preferences, whatever they may be (assuming consent). I am a little uncomfortable talking about sex, which makes me think I'm not as sex-positive as I think, but I suspect the confusion I have about my own sexuality is more the issue than anything else. I also do not like kissing very much; the physical act of french kissing is a little gross to me, maybe a germ thing? 

 

I do love cake! Although my real favorite is ice cream! I would also generally prefer a foot rub to having sex.

 

So, that's what I can think of right now. Sorry for the very long post. I am just really curious what other people with more knowledge about asexuality would have to say about my story.

 

Thank you!

 

Lucy

[Guest]

@knerd.knitter

 

You mentioned sexual urges and masturbation when young. It is possible for asexuals to want to masturbate and have the urge to do so. Is that what you mean by sexual urges?

 

 

wanting a partner can be a romantic desire, and can lack a desire for sex, romantic and sexual feelings, attractions, and desires might be separate from each other in some people, and some feel only sexual attraction or only romantic attraction. Some people who feel both feel as if these ideas can be separable too, where the idea of the split attraction model really helps them understand their orientation a bit better. There is sexual attraction, romantic attraction, sensual attraction (which is attraction and desire based on physical touch, such as kissing, cuddling, and other physical intimacies that don't involve sex), platonic attraction (e.g. wanting to be friends) and aesthetic attraction (attraction based on looks). It is also possible for people to feel attraction that's something in between platonic and romantic, which would be alterous attraction. 

 

 

 

 

 

[will123]

@knerd.knitter Welcome to AVEN! I hope you can find some answers here. Don't worry about the long post. Our stories when we finally open up to others usually are that way.

[knerd.knitter]

14 hours ago, binary suns said:

@knerd.knitter

 

You mentioned sexual urges and masturbation when young. It is possible for asexuals to want to masturbate and have the urge to do so. Is that what you mean by sexual urges?

Yes, like being turned on.

[lovely_xm07]

I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily sex-favorable, but I think I am curious to try some sex related activities. Most of the time, I’m pretty sex-indifferent, sometimes sex-averse, but mostly sex-indifferent. However, only when I get some sexual urges, I become more open to trying certain things. I would genuinely like to try some things later on in the future. Nothing too intense, just “scratching the surface” type stuff. Idk! 😅 I don’t think that stuff would happen often. Only when I feel like it.

 

It’s really complicated when I try to explain it. I know I am ace and I don’t experience sexual attraction, but then I think about sex sometimes and again, only those times I get curious. Again, would just like to try some stuff and see where it goes. I think I’m open to exploring and I’m starting to become more open/comfortable with my sexuality. So I’d like to know how I feel about certain things. 

[mooseprincess]

On 10/30/2024 at 1:13 PM, knerd.knitter said:

 

 

As I said, I've always thought that the combination of hormonal birth control and various anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are all that cause my issues, but the more I have learned about asexuality and gray-ace, the more I wonder if there's more to it than that.

 

I'm not going to "quote" your entire post, though I felt that a lot of it resonated with me. I've had a lot of these thoughts of maybe my feelings are due to X or Y or Z external thing, but when I went off birth control pills, when I stopped breastfeeding, etc. it didn't give my libido or attraction any more of a kickstart. I can totally relate to feeling that I wanted a partner but not really thinking too much about the sexual portion. 

 

Sex just isn't a priority to me. I spent years trying to figure out a rationale and understand why it was such a big deal to everyone else. Asked a lot of people why it was that people chose to have sex. They probably all thought I was a lunatic. Eventually I realized that I was just wired differently. Sex is part of being an adult, sure, but so are a lot of other things that I would rather not have to do but will do if necessary (paying taxes, getting the car fixed, and so on). With sex, however, it's not *necessary*. Most people who do it do it because they really want to, but if I don't, it's not required.