What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[Asroco]

I've been reading some of the initial comments on this thread, and I feel like I belong here.

 

When I discovered my asexuality in fall of last year, I had assumed that I was sex-repulsed. Years ago, the thought of having sex with a guy with whom I was planning a date pushed me to call it off. I was terrified. What's more, it placed me in a years-long stupor over my orientation. I had no interest in dating or sleeping with women, so being straight was off the table. But I've always had an aesthetic fixation for men to the point of near eroticism, and I started paying attention to how elated I felt when another man payed attention to me or touched me. "You can't be gay if you don't want to sleep with other men" was the thought that rang in my mind. "How much do you really care about them if you can't be sexual with them?" Needless to say, I was at a loss for whatever the f*ck I was. I'm glad that I now have a word by which to call myself.

 

Recently, I've been able to decouple my repulsion for sex from my asexuality, and I've found that I actually like the idea of sex and have thought about how it feels. I read Cass Lennox's Blank Spaces, a gay romance novel that confronted me with both the idea of navigating an allosexual-asexual relationship and my own views on sex. I blame my religious upbringing for making me feel disgusted with myself over deriving any kind of pleasure from sexual activity, especially solo ones. It's something that I've carried with myself since puberty, and it's followed me long after I had left my church. Just to clarify, I don't want to make it seem like I'm saying that sex-repulsed individuals only feel the way that they do for these same reasons. I just had to find out that my shame came from without rather than within, if that makes sense.

 

 

I guess I'm writing this now because I've recently found someone that I really care about. I took the initiative to invite him over to my apartment after work last week to play videogames. I wanted desperately to see if my feelings of longing to be close to him weren't being misplaced. We had a good talk, and he told me that he was in the process of questioning his attraction towards men in addition to women. I guess we left on a note that we would take things slow and see where they lead. But I had him over again on Friday, and we started to talk about sex. He asked me if I wanted to try it with him, and I was... taken aback. I had to explain to him that I liked him, but if he wanted the sexual component without the romanticism (which is coupled with my sensuality, btw), then he'd need to look elsewhere.

 

I was proud of myself for having said that. We ended on a good note and decided to stay good friends. But to be honest, I had considered the idea of sleeping with him after our first encounter -- not because I wanted it, but because I wanted to make him happy (and, if possible, satisfy my own urges). I felt like it would be a good way to get closer to him. What's more, having gotten to know him has been bad for me sexually. When I'm alone, the thought of him intrudes into my mind, and the desire is gone immediately. It's like I'm trying to recreate an image of him in a compromised position... but I just can't. There's a blank space in my mind where I feel like he should be. Maybe he and I can negotiate something where he gets what he wants, I'm comfortable with it and we get to maintain that closeness towards each other that we've felt from the beginning. Worth a shot, but hard to know.

 

 

For the moment, I'm just glad I'm not the only one who feels disconnected between my mind and body, or between parts of my mind, or between me and someone I deeply care about. 🍰

Edited February 9, 2020 by Asroco

[Ineffably_me*]

On 7/4/2015 at 2:35 AM, KendraPM said:

I usually like sticking in the make-out to heavy petting range.

Too true. I've felt pressure for sex from more than one guy I've dated. And even friends who, when they hear I've been single for longer than a few months, will start telling me I need to go out and have "some fun" etc. Surprisingly, my friends are the ones I really feel the pressure from. When you're dating, the person usually understands that you have your pace and they have theirs and you'll get to each new level of physical when you're both ready, but friends? No, they think it's weird if you tell them that it's been a *insert set amount of time here* and you still haven't slept with the person you're seeing and start in on "jokingly" telling you to "get yours" already. I've also found the guys I've dated to be a bit more understanding if I just want to make out/touch/cuddle or whatever (mostly, I've had one that didn't, but he had more than one issue that caused me to end the relationship, that included), which I admittedly do a lot of, even after we've had sex.

I totally relate to this. It is what drives me mad about having to live in this society and having female friends ( which I actually would rather not have for this reason, as antisocial as that sounds). Men are totally cool with you if you are not in a relationship, they treat you like a person, like you are awesome - females on the other hand - you are weird, shunned, have a “problem”...

 

[Ineffably_me*]

42 minutes ago, Ineffably_me* said:

I totally relate to this. It is what drives me mad about having to live in this society and having female friends ( which I actually would rather not have for this reason, as antisocial as that sounds). Men are totally cool with you if you are not in a relationship, they treat you like a person, like you are awesome - females on the other hand - you are weird, shunned, have a “problem”...

 

Basically men respect and admire you for it, Whereas to other women it’s a massive problem...

 

[Ineffably_me*]

On 2/8/2017 at 6:01 PM, Shield said:

Thank you -I think my biggest struggle with my sexual identity is the libido part -the times that I do experience arousal. Hearing that other people are in the same boat makes me feel less alone.  

For years I felt like I must not be a “proper” asexual, because when I was younger I would experience various states of arousal, often seemingly high (although I had nothing to compare them to, being only my own experience). I thought that just this alone kind of invalidated my asexuality, until after deliberating over it for years (which in itself caused me great distress, because not only had I identified as asexual since the age of 14, it was something I was incredibly proud of...) I came to the understanding (mostly from reading some threads here on AVEN, as well as my own conclusions) that if any arousal I experienced was not directed at anything, and was basically something that I could gain pleasure from in and of itself, and was not experienced together with a desire to actively have sex (or even masturbate - although this is a personal thing, as plenty of asexuals masturbate to “release” built up energies, which is completely healthy and does also not invalidate your asexuality - I just personally do not feel any desire to do this even, or do not need to, and it has been a slow progression to realising that I can be OKAY with myself not to need any of these things and yet still appreciate and welcome any sexual stirrings or any states of arousal that I may or may not have, no matter how fleeting, unusual or virtually unheard of that they are now) without feeling as though my intrinsic (a)sexuality is invalidated.

 

I have more recently come to the conclusion that I may be more somewhere in between ace and Demi, as I have only actually wanted sex with two people, both of whom I have been in relationships. As I have not desired sex at all with anyone at all other than these two people, of whom I had a more spiritual, soul mate type connection with, some would maybe consider me Demi. Although even after the first relationship I could not see myself ever finding anyone I felt like that again, though against all odds I actually did, and it seems that I find attraction/arousal in intellectual connection more than anything, with a deep spiritual connection/bond. After that relationship I can’t see myself wanting to be in another relationship again..... I guess these people were ‘special’ to me, and the relationship and interactions we shared was more than just sex, basically I fell into their arms and trusted them like no other - basically a rare type of thing that you don’t expect to find every day. Anyway, the reason I felt the need to share this, is because I resonated with your experiences of feeling “no” at every sexual encounter - I too feel this, have always felt this, other than the two people I felt this connection with (in which case it was a clear “yes” and not something I felt unsure about - although you still need to give yourself time and wait to feel that the “moment” is right, not just the person, and do not be too set off your guard thinking “finally I have found someone I feel this way about”, as especially if the other person is allosexual, they may not understand your readiness to “celebrate” and how important it is to you that “they” are the person etc. etc. - they still need to get to know you, to understand you, to respect you... Just a tip there. I really hope this post helps some people out there......

[Asroco]

On 2/28/2020 at 4:21 PM, Ineffably_me* said:

For years I felt like I must not be a “proper” asexual, because when I was younger I would experience various states of arousal, often seemingly high (although I had nothing to compare them to, being only my own experience). I thought that just this alone kind of invalidated my asexuality ... it has been a slow progression to realising that I can be OKAY with myself not to need any of these things and yet still appreciate and welcome any sexual stirrings or any states of arousal that I may or may not have, no matter how fleeting, unusual or virtually unheard of that they are now) without feeling as though my intrinsic (a)sexuality is invalidated.

Thank you for this!

 

When I discovered the asexual label about this time last year, I was hesitant to adopt it because I couldn't make sense of my sexual feelings. It took me until now to realize sexual desire is not the same as sexual attraction.

 

These feelings are still confusing. Some days I wish I were someone who would be comfortable with the occasional hookup. Although I've learned to enjoy my own company (wink, wink), those dyadic sexual circumstances would at least match my libido. But I'm not as open to sex as I perhaps want to be. This is why I also liked when you said:

 

On 2/28/2020 at 4:21 PM, Ineffably_me* said:

Anyway, the reason I felt the need to share this, is because I resonated with your experiences of feeling “no” at every sexual encounter - I too feel this, have always felt this, other than the two people I felt this connection with (in which case it was a clear “yes” and not something I felt unsure about - although you still need to give yourself time and wait to feel that the “moment” is right, not just the person, and do not be too set off your guard thinking “finally I have found someone I feel this way about”, as especially if the other person is allosexual, they may not understand your readiness to “celebrate” and how important it is to you that “they” are the person etc. etc. - they still need to get to know you, to understand you, to respect you... Just a tip there. I really hope this post helps some people out there......

I've never had as much of an affirmative feeling towards sex as you have, but I assume that I'd also need to fully trust someone before I'm ready. (As a side note, I learned that the person I mentioned in my previous post didn't have the best of intentions in mind. He told me he'd be willing to have that sex conversation while he had gone out and became romantic with a woman 😬😬 So I ended up feeling used, even if I didn't indulge him, thank goodness.) You're absolutely right about waiting not just for the right person but the right time as well. Allo partners -- and ourselves included -- should understand that we often have a complex relationship to sex. That relationship is not entirely negative either, nor is it something that we can "overcome." There's nothing to overcome. It's just who we are.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Asroco

[Carolyn Wright]

On 6/22/2015 at 8:16 AM, Betty Badinbed said:

My own peculiar grey-aceness - that's always had me questioning what I am - is that I do experience sexual attraction, but I lack sexual urge.

[deleted]

Edited June 21, 2021 by Carolyn Wright
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[Sundaiighs Saturn]

On 6/22/2015 at 4:18 PM, KP501 said:

I think I'm demi-sexual....but I really wish I wasn't. The reason I think this is because, in my whole life, I have only ever felt a strong attraction to two people. (And this is despite going on numerous dates and trying really hard to like somebody and have a relationship). Both the people who I became attracted to (and perhaps even fell in love with) were very very close friends (I'm female and they were both female). One was a housemate a uni and the other a housemate just after uni. It took over a year for me to build up the feelings but I cared about them so much, wanted to spend a lot of time with them, wanted to hug them etc. With the second, some sexual stuff did happen and I enjoyed it and wanted more. Unfortunately it didn't end very well as she wasn't a lesbian.

Ever since I have not had those same feelings towards anyone (and that was almost ten years ago). I wish I could have that again with someone who reciprocated but I realize how difficult that would be and I've accepted that I will most likely never have a relationship. Like I said, I've tried and I just don't feel the attraction. Anyway, I've pretty much accepted it now and I've got a lot of good things going on in my life so in many ways I think I'm very lucky.

I'm going through this right now!!! Like it's the reason I've had to come back to this thought once again. I always felt from a teenager that I was on the ace spectrum, but of course everyone said " you just havent found the right guy" I had problems as a teen with over the counter drug use so I would be promiscuous just to " find that person" I have only ever felt a way for 5 men since the time I was in 3rd grade. I'm going to be 30 this year. I just recently had a crush/squish and it's not going to work out but its really made me rethink this again the last time I had a crush/squish was 9 years prior, and I even dated a person for 6 years in between that feeling like shit because I didn't " love them " the way they needed turned to being toxic and abusive until I found this fuzzy boy at school.... I feel like I KNOW now. It's still weird because I'm body positive and sex positive and i know people will question my choice. I told my mom that I really felt like this and  it to be mad and to my surprise  she said " oh, I have always known. You only liked that one boy all of grade school even  though I told you he was gay, you only wanted him I have always know I just want you to be careful and not get used again " 

[Someone Else]

A lot of people are saying, "I am attracted to the sex, but am not attracted to people."
I'm in some kind of grey area that is almost the opposite.  I don't really care about genital sex, but I am very much attracted to people -- probably in the same way that any sexual straight guy would be attracted, other than the genitals.  some kind of making love that skips the genitals sounds really potentially very interesting, with the right person; I'd even use lust to describe it, though no doubt some would disagree with that word.  
It's different from most asexuals, but I often end up in a place very much the same, not having sex.  

[Iam9man]

1 hour ago, Someone Else said:

A lot of people are saying, "I am attracted to the sex, but am not attracted to people."
I'm in some kind of grey area that is almost the opposite.  I don't really care about genital sex, but I am very much attracted to people -- probably in the same way that any sexual straight guy would be attracted, other than the genitals.  some kind of making love that skips the genitals sounds really potentially very interesting, with the right person; I'd even use lust to describe it, though no doubt some would disagree with that word.  
It's different from most asexuals, but I often end up in a place very much the same, not having sex.  

You may find this thread interesting: 😊

 

 

[Opposite-of-Demi]

I think I’m the opposite of demi-sexual? 
meaning, as soon as a (emotional) bond is formed, sexual attraction disappears. 
i have a very high sex-drive, but only if there’s no bond. So there’s only sex (lots of it) in between relationships. 
I’ve had so many problems in my serious relationships (also in my now broken, because of this issue, marriage of 9 years), because as soon as it became serious, sexuality started to feel ‘incestuous’. It sometimes almost felt like “ew, no, i love you so why would i want to be doing that with you.”

It really feels weird to write this down. I also don’t know anyone who has this problem (as i see it as problematic).

I’ve been called “slut”, “false advertiser”, “fraud”, “attention-seeker”, “daddy-issues”  
i just don’t know who or what I am anymore. 

[Sir Robbins]

I'll join in on this. My first and honestly only relationship was a mix of exploring, interest and curiosity. It started in 8th grade (18 years ago) and lasted until my sophomore year of high school. The girl was what was known as "emo" back then. I am not up to date on terms these days. She was overly curious and did many sexual acts, most that were minor (hand in my pants on the bus, on her couch, etc.). I was not opposed to this behavior as I too was curious. I was not turned off by it or appalled in any way. It was different and weird for me. She and I were close in many ways and she was a HUGE cuddle slut  . Sleeping together for us meant actually sleeping and cuddling. It was great. Sexual intercourse never happened but oral was experimented with. We both ended up not caring too much for it. We both enjoyed it but the desire for it wasn't there to continuously pursue it. Most of the 2 years of high school were great. My moving to Atlanta after those 2 years was hard. I lost that cuddle buddy  

 

To put into perspective, I am ok with sexual activity but because I don't desire it or crave it, I would never be the one to initiate it. I am just fine without out and would say I prefer it but it's an area I'd negotiate on if necessary....

[purplemutant]

It's been a long time since I have posted on here. There was unfortunately some drama that drove me away from this forum. At one point I thought that maybe I wasn't actually ace but I was allo. But I am not sexually attracted to people the way allosexuals are. So I figure I am some flavor of ace. I am really glad to see this sex favourable ace thread. Because that very thing was part of the drama. So I am glad to see other people who accept that aces can have a desire for sex and still be ace.

 

I have a desire for sex. I enjoy orgasms. Sure masturbation is all fine and dandy. But it would be nice to have someone else involved. Being touched by another person feels different from touching yourself. My ideal sex partner would be the Holodeck from Star Trek. It's sex with people, but without the people. But since that isn't available, I will have to make do with actual people. In that case, an orgy would be ideal. There would be a number of people who are there to have sex. So it increases my chances. I don't have to find any of them sexually attractive to have sex with them. Just because you don't turn me on doesn't mean you can't get me off.

 

I came across this comic which I think illustrated sex favourable asexuality really well.

[Ablia]

I've had a boyfriend when I was 17. A bit late for some, but I was ok with that. The questioning started the day he came to my home, with my best friend, and they realized I had prepared beds for them...but wasn't expecting, nor wanting, him to sleep with me. Seems that they couldn't understand that, and I remember my best friend saying how "abnormal" it was, not wanting to sleep with your boyfriend (we were dating for months already). But I just didn't feel ready for it. I accepted when he said that we could just sleep, without doing anything.

Well, the next morning I woke up with his hands on my chest, under my pyjamas. The feeling was pretty weird: I was a bit turned on, feeling hot, some things were pleasant, other were disgusting, but I still didn't really want it, and was annoyed because he didn't kept his promise. But I let it go, even tried to please him because, you know, it must be normal for someone to have sex with your own BF, and I was the weird one for not wanting it, right? However I still refused to go "all the way". Was still not ready and a bit afraid of the penetration thing.
After that I kept asking myself why I didn't want, what was wrong with me, etc...We still had some kisses & touching, I was ok with that and liked some of it but was never the one to initiate it. In fact, when I realized I was avoiding him as much as possible, I decided to break up, and I've never felt so happy/free, so I knew it was the good decision even thought it was still sad.

And from this time on, my thought kept switching between "he was just not the good one" and "I am not normal when it comes to sex". The first thought was the best option, so I stuck on it. Still found no one after years, but maybe I'm a difficult one, you know? Some boys showed interest in me, I didn't even realized it. It was always my other friends or family who told me. "He spend half an hour sleeping on your thigh while you were petting his head, of course he has a crush on you! How couldn't you understand that?" "Well, he was sleepy, so he slept, and he loves when I pet his head, so I did it, that's all. Nothing sexual at all, right?" "Gosh, you're sooo naive". My family made it a joke that if a man wanted to date me, he would have to abduct me to make his intention clear to me. I must say it was pretty right, and I kept thinking that I was just not so good with the "sex" thing, but somehow I'll find my mate some day. Wasn't in a hurry, just a bit annoyed by the fact I was still virgin at 23...

At 26, I experienced my first and only sexual attirance. It was pretty weird, because until that I've always thought that the love described in books was stupid. You know, those books were two persons can't stand each other, but still can't stop themself from kissing & having sex? I couldn't understand it. But then I saw this girl, and without a reason I just immagined myself kissing her everywhere, giving her pleasure, and that turned me on.
However, she was a girl, like me, Spanish, I'm French, in a 2-week class in Germany, and that was my first time experiencing that. So, no wonder, I didn't tell her a thing.
Not long after, I had a "crush" on one of my roomate. Meaning, I found him really aesthetically attractive, also nice and all, well, romantically attractive too. I could imagine us having a life together. But I couldn't imagine us having sex together. I've tried to imagine it, and I was happy enough that this time it didn't felt disgusting, just...doable.

That's when I found out this website, but I didn't give to much a look into it, since I had an experience of sexual attirance, I have a libido, and I do want to have sex with someone, someday. So I couldn't be asexual or whatever, I was just "hard to satisfy" when it comes to sexual attirance, that's all. I'm not sooo interested in it, I'm not going out trying to find my mate, I just...live my life and wait for it to come.

A friend of mine asked me for going out - not saying it was a date, but I was pretty sure it was, why aren't people clear on that? - and I accepted even thought I felt no sexual attirance toward him. I like him, he's nice, we have the same hobbies, and I totally trust him on the "not going too far" part. I thought that, maybe, I had to give it a try and the sexual attirance would come later. But it didn't, and I started being afraid of giving him false hope or making him too sad so I just made clear that going out was great, but I wasn't sexually interested. It stopped here, and I get back on the "I'm really difficult to satisfy when it comes to a relationship" thought.
But I see my friends going on long relationships, having babies and all, and me still being single & virgin at 28, and I'm being more and more annoyed with this fact, feeling more and more abnormal. I've even had the silly idea to do it with a good friend I trust, just to see how it is and get rid of this virginity thing. Or get myself drunk to have enough "courage" to do it with someone. But hey, I don't like alcoohol, I can't stand the idea of having sex with someone I don't love/trust/respect or without sexual attirance.

 

I've speak a bit with some of my friends, telling them how I wanted to find someone, have a relationship and all. Yesterday I had some games with friends, and one of them started to play footsie with me, and as always I just didn't understand it and clearly asked: "hey, why are you playing footsie with me?". Big blank in the room. Yeah, he was actually intersted and I was like the only one not knowing it. Now I have to tell them why I'm not interested, even thought I said I want a relationship, without telling him that the thought of it is just disgusting to me...

So i'm back here, stuck somewhere in the grey zone, wanting to have sex, incapable of having sexual attirance for someone, incapable of having sex without sexual attirance (and trust toward my partner).  I have to refrain myself being too much touchy-feely with people so that they don't get the wrong idea that I'm sexually interested. I find it weird that they might think it. Why do they have to make a link between sex and hugs/skin contact or whatever? I just love hugs, usually it makes people feel better and I like that, it doesn't mean anything else to me.

I can't refer myself as an asexual; I do want to have sex, I do have a libido and masturbate (it's totally linked to my menstrual cycle), and I had an experience of sexual attirance, maybe it could happen again? But how to explain it to people? "Hey, I really want to have sex, but the thought of having sex with you is just disgusting to me" doesn't seem nice at all...
I don't like to go see doctors, but I think maybe I should try a sexologist to make things clear. Maybe there's some miracle pills that would allow me to feel sexual attirance? Or maybe I should just accept the fact that I'll probably never have sex; but that 's too much depressing for now.

Also, sorry for the long post, and thank you for being here. This was hard, but felt necessary.

[Jordan92]

I never liked physical touch as a kid; hugs or kissing relatives was uncomfortable to me. I’ve always felt very detached from physical connection and could take it or leave it. This lead me to not having “romantic” relationships in middle or high school beyond friendships. It felt like I had to mask and make up crushes because everyone else had crushes and would be curious who I liked. I didn’t start dating until college and didn’t have sex until is was 20. It was a goal, a social milestone to get to fit in and I felt it was an expected part of dating someone.

I married the person who “took my virginity” (I gave it consensually). We had a really strong emotional connection which I am drawn too. An obstacle we face is our differing “love languages”. Being asexual I scored a zero in physical touch and my language is quality time. My partners love language is 100% physical touch so I have to make some compromises by having sex to value their worth in the relationship in their own language as well as my own. I once said I didn’t need sex and they interpreted that to mean I didn’t need them, which isn’t true but hard to explain. 
 

I don’t mind sex but definitely say no about 90% of the time. If I don’t orgasm I don’t really care because the physical act of “sex” is enjoyable enough. I am averse to fluids and won’t kiss after oral. I hate giving hand jobs, like it’s a huge inconvenience. I do have brief periods of heightened libido in which masturbating is more a means to an end (scratching an itch) but I don’t seek out another person to help satisfy that urge. I recognize other people’s attractiveness and sometimes have sexual attraction to others, but little to no urge to act on it. 
 

I’m very new to this identity as asexual and am still finding out whether I’m bi- or heteroromantic. I was in college before the term asexual was something people identified as and I only knew/heard of one person who identified as asexual. But since knowing that person I’ve always felt drawn to this identity over cis/hetero, especially now that there’s more broad descriptions and public information spread and growing media representation to help discover this. But I’m not “out” by any means. I acknowledge and understand that sexual and gender identity can be significant to how a person presents in the social world, but as asexual I don’t feel like it affects my social identity beyond my relationship with my partner. And getting my partner to understand my “disinterest” is difficult enough. 
 

Long story short: sex is meh but I do it for my chosen partner.

[ModestFox]

Very long and TMI, took a couple days to write. Posting before I change my mind xD

 

It's been a really interesting thread. I stopped around the middle for now and I don’t have the patience to wait until I read it all before I post, which is probably a bad idea in case I find more useful info and I’ll have to edit or post again…

I don’t suppose I’m asexual, totally not at that far end, some would probably think not even grey ace (at least that’s so vague no one can tell I’m not using it correctly :P), but I’ve seen grey aces here, and I haven’t found a more suitable thread where I could share my full story without creating a new thread, so I’m here.

 

All my romantic relationships started online, with people I got along with well, who all happened to be men and older than me. Only one of those relationships transitioned into real life so far. Before that I had a few crushes on fictional characters. I believe I was interested in sex even before my first romantic relationship, but my understanding of it was vague and a bit naive, I didn't think of it realistically at all (kind of like “springboard diving looks easy, surely I should be able to do it”, without thinking what I’d do when I’m actually there). I was somewhat aware of the risks but my attitude was mostly optimistic and focused on good parts, as opposed to now. The more I learnt, the more serious and apprehensive my attitude became. There were even times when I wanted to avoid sex altogether, and I used to think that also meant no relationship. Luckily, I realised I can still have a relationship without the things I don’t want, but it’s not easy to find. I imagine with most allosexual partners, especially men, sex would be stressful rather than enjoyable, because from what I heard:

1. they tend to think that outercourse is boring, or isn’t enough, and I don’t want intercourse. Certainly not when it’s imposed on me.

2. you’re bad if you don’t get your partner off, or if you’re not great at what you’re doing – that might be a dealbreaker for some and that’s fine, but I hope they’re a minority. To me, it’s about the fact of it happening, not the quality.

3. to make matters worse, so far I'm only comfortable pleasing with my hands (but it might change), and only when it doesn’t feel like a chore.

When it comes to things done to me, I don't mind anything within my boundaries, enjoy some of it, and love being touched nearly anywhere. I never really felt the pull to touch someone in that way but I have a strong desire to hug my partner, lean on him, or any other way to feel his body against mine. I absolutely crave physical contact with him, pretty much any, since I have none.

I said I’m not a fan of feeling people up, but I did enjoy my attempt at giving my partner a handjob. I didn’t know how I’d feel about it but I was too curious to miss the opportunity, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it.

 

I wonder… is it possible for an activity to still be considered more sensual than sexual even if it involves genitals (if you treat them like any other body part), and if it makes you feel arousal and you enjoy that feeling? That really challenges the definition, but if an activity that is usually not sexual can be considered one, why not the other way around? I suppose to someone who is sex-repulsed the border would be super clear but what about others...

 

It might sound strange, but I guess the best way to describe my preferences would be this: I’m generally attracted to men, but I would want to have sex with them the way I would with a woman. Then everything kind of falls into place xD

 

I found some things in common with a user called Serran, who I think is a former asexual. It was on the subject of feeling obliged, and some other. I hope it’s okay if I quote a couple lines here.

 

Quote

If I had to pinpoint the thing that causes me to be sexually attracted to my wife, it's probably... as odd as it sounds... the fact she isn't that into sex either.

That might have happened to me, too. I met my current partner by accident on a dating site, before I even got interested in asexuality, which was thanks to him. We both seem to be in the grey part of the spectrum. He’s basically my ideal partner, I know nothing is ideal but that’s damn close if I think realistically: loves pleasing, could do without sex at all but thinks it’s a nice bonus, and what was considered to be disadvantages by his previous partners are advantages for me. It also seems having the pressure off even makes me more willing to try things I felt unsure about before. The only thing I don’t like about our relationship is distance…

 

Placing the rest under a spoiler or it'll take way too much space.

 

Spoiler

The cause of my confusion is that, despite all this, I don’t know whether I do in fact feel sexual attraction because it’s so hard to define and gets mixed up with other attractions so much. Another reason is that while I’m seemingly sexual when it comes to things I want to do, and the sheer fact that I want to do them, and how much they arouse me, when I read asexuals’ descriptions of their experiences, some details they mention make me think I might be experiencing that, too.

I could be overthinking it but I want to be more certain about what I feel and what I don’t. I want to know more about how enjoying sex as an allosexual is different from enjoying it as an ace, except that the latter could do without it. If they enjoy it for the same reasons except vague and questionable sexual attraction, then what’s the difference, or what difference (not) experiencing it makes? If asexuals can’t enjoy it by definition, then it contradicts with what I’ve been told by the community. If they can, why wouldn’t someone desire something they enjoy? (unless you think it’s good but not worth the trouble) Is there by any chance something I am missing or is this how it’s supposed to be? I just wish I could see it through the eyes of each and compare.

 

I might be able to feel sexual attraction, but I can’t describe it as a feeling on its own. If it's there, it’s lost among all other attraction, especially romantic, which I can describe – to me it’s a literally heart-warming feeling that makes interaction with the person it’s directed at feel special, and I don’t even need to want stereotypically romantic things to feel it. Maybe it’s just a part of it, but I can only assume I feel sexual attraction based on facts. I think I might enjoy activities I described with any person I trust and feel comfortable with, but I never had a chance to test that, and I don’t feel any attraction to strangers besides aesthetic. The closest to a “tingly feeling” would be arousal, so no wonder people confuse them.

 

There’s an inconsistency, it seems… If sexual attraction means wanting to have sex for pleasure, why would allosexuals choose to have it with someone when sexual attraction isn’t present? I’m referring to a post by one of the a “desirists” who think that the lack of desire is the defining trait of an asexual, not attraction, but then what is sexual attraction, again?.. ^ ^’

 

Back to my story. Unlike my partner, I’m not okay giving up sex indefinitely, which is another evidence against. I might lose interest eventually and be fine without it but that’s not my situation right now. I’m glad to have finally tried what I wanted and to know what it’s like, and could probably do without it for a long time, but the thought of never having it again upsets me. Stroking my own thighs like he did gives me a bit of that feeling, but it’s not as exciting. As for touching him, I could simulate the physical part of it, which strangely was one of the things I liked about it (that’s as close as I ever got to the obsession like the one men and some women seem to have with breasts, which I never understood, even though I’m glad it exists xD), but it’s kind of pointless without his pleasure.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just afraid of the word ‘never’, and I know I have a tendency to keep everything I can even if I don’t necessarily need it, just in case I suddenly need it someday.

 

I had been a virgin for about 10 years, counting from puberty, and it wasn’t very hard. I suppose it was romance and cuddles that I needed more. Yeah, there was a time when I was annoyed by being a virgin because of society’s influence. There was a time when I felt jealous of others’ relationships, which was part of the reason why I clung to an abuser (luckily, it was only online). I could read about kissing and become worked up over not having kissed yet, until I got distracted by other things. I also worried if I would die before getting to experience those romantic, sensual and sexual things, but even such a pessimistic outlook didn’t make me go and do risky stuff, phew.

 

I’m feeling a lot better now that I finally tried them, earlier this year, on two days, with my current partner that I talked about above. I was nervous and not sure whether I was attracted to him at all at the moment, it had been just an hour since I met him in person. However, it took just a few minutes of stroking for me to want to take my clothes off. Sounds like responsive desire, so now I wonder what it means and with how many people it would possibly work, in theory ^ ^’

I found that a brief touch, even through clothes, felt more exciting than full-on stimulation, but maybe that's because that was the very first thing we did. After a few minutes, it didn't feel all that different from masturbation, but still not exactly the same. There is some difference between your own touch and someone else’s. I’d like to emphasize that because I came across a post by Float On that is exactly about that and I thought, finally someone said that!

 

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…when you masturbate, you feel your hand, and expect your touch. when someone else touches you in the exact same way - you don't feel your hand, and your body doesn't expect the touch - at best it can anticipate this touch. and this phenomenon by itself - whether the touch is sexual touching or just platonic touching - is enough to make the touch of another person interesting and exciting and preferable, to some people.

but the elitists of this site just assume that if a person remotely prefers sex for any reason, for example purely because of the fact that another person doing it has this phenomena - let alone the fact that you don't have to use any effort to stimulate yourself if someone else is doing it - these things just automatically make a person sexual…

I was curious how it’d feel when done by someone else, but I also enjoyed involving my partner while he enjoyed being involved, and it was intimate and stuff. All those reasons why both an ace and a non-ace could enjoy it, which doesn’t really tell me anything…

 

I have thought of a hypothetical situation where I could travel an hour in time to experiment and practice with myself, sort of. Would that classify as narcissism partnered sexual activity, masturbation, or both? xD Obviously no attraction and intimacy here, but that would still make things more exciting and more things possible, unless we both would be too shy to initiate ^ ^’ At least I wouldn’t judge myself > . > One of my versions could predict my actions this way, but we could take turns, and what if I… I guess a clone would be a better idea because time travel is just full of paradoxes.

 

Speaking of things previously impossible, before the experience, I really wanted to find out what it’d feel like if someone went down on me, primarily because that's not something I can do to myself, and it seemed like it should feel great. Luckily, my partner wanted to do it, so now I know, yay ^ ^’ It was kind of strange and I remember worrying if he felt comfortable nearly the entire time, but I guess I liked it, although the pleasure was more psychological than physical. It didn’t seem like something that would make me climax even before it actually happened, and that was perfectly okay because it wasn’t my goal.

 

One other problem is that while I like being naked in terms of how it feels and how excited it makes my partner, I’d feel most comfortable and less reserved in a dark room. I wasn’t even tempted to see my partner naked, which makes me feel kind of bad… I’m excited to know that he’s naked, but not particularly interested in watching. And most of the time I was looking away, not even entirely comfortable with him looking me in the face, even though I knew he needed to check my reaction. But that’s not unusual for me because I tend to avoid eye contact in general. I hope I’ll eventually be able to maintain eye contact at least with him but not yet 😐

 

Apparently, whatever your fantasies are doesn’t make you ace or allo, no matter how weird they appear, and they’re highly individual (just like everything else…), so I won’t talk about them.

 

I wouldn’t look for partnered activity for release simply because I don’t even know what it is. I suppose I have a libido since I can get aroused, but I never suffered from it. I enjoy feeling turned on, and I can think or do something arousing for hours and not feel like I have to do anything about it. I have occasional urges to masturbate, but I only do it for pleasure, I wouldn’t if I didn’t enjoy it.

 

I'd better just stop here xD

 

Edited October 14, 2020 by ModestFox

[raegeeroy]

I'm cupiosexual gray ace. For the most part, I've found sex just ok. Honestly, only one man ever seemed really good at it and I think that was because of the connection I felt to him. I thought most men were just terrible at it. I often lose attraction if it even does form. This is especially true if they are abusive in any way. Occasionally, I've felt repulsed. This is usually by sweat, smells, or fluids. I often feel like I just want a best friend that comes with occasional sex. I've never been able to see someone as a sexual partner without getting to know them very well. I think it would be hard to get anything done in life if I always had to fight that urge!

[VanishingLady]

On 10/25/2020 at 7:00 PM, raegeeroy said:

I'm cupiosexual gray ace. For the most part, I've found sex just ok. Honestly, only one man ever seemed really good at it and I think that was because of the connection I felt to him. I thought most men were just terrible at it. I often lose attraction if it even does form. This is especially true if they are abusive in any way. Occasionally, I've felt repulsed. This is usually by sweat, smells, or fluids. I often feel like I just want a best friend that comes with occasional sex. I've never been able to see someone as a sexual partner without getting to know them very well. I think it would be hard to get anything done in life if I always had to fight that urge!

Yes, this!

 

As a demisexual, I need a connection with the other person before I can even consider anything else. When I'm there, I'm there. When I'm not, I'm far away and cold. I'm usually not looking for anyone, but those times that I did desire a relationship, I found that the sexual side bored me or otherwise was unsatisfying. I thought maybe it was mental, so have tried cyber or playing games like Secondlife. Turns out, it's not much better that way, neither. It takes more than 5 minutes of "conversation" to turn me on, and I find that even on the screen, it's pretty boring. Not many have the patience nor the imagination - it's 0-100 in 2 sec whereas I am not. These days, the thought of physical intimacy is not a pleasant one. I used to actually like giving oral sex, but the thought now...makes me ill.

 

I have kinks, and have participated in BDSM (I'm a Switch), but these days, I'm not interested in lifestyle stuff.

 

The other issue is that I seem to have "side chick" or "affair" written on me somewhere. I am monogamish (not poly, tried it, didn't take) and I got tired of that crap really quickly. I'm better one-to-one and lies don't turn me on.

[Skycaptain]

I now identify as demi rather than ace. But it took building a relationship over a period of years rather than months before sexual attraction or desire appeared 

[Vellocent]

I'm still figuring things out, but I have a responsive desire and I can go the rest of my life without sex.  I'm also a sub and I like pain, but I can live without that too.  I don't like causing people pain.  I hate to hear I've been domineering or controlling.  Basically I like it when people touch me, but I have no desire to touch them sexually.  Hugs and kisses yes, sexually I'm indifferent to it.  Any questions? 

[ModestFox]

3 hours ago, Vellocent said:

Basically I like it when people touch me, but I have no desire to touch them sexually.  Hugs and kisses yes, sexually I'm indifferent to it. 

That's really close to what I feel, actually, but... I try to avoid saying it because that's generally considered selfish ^ ^'

[Vellocent]

It is selfish, but I do touch my partner and everything.  I'm actually trying to figure this out, so maybe I'm not sure.  I'm more sensual than anything, Mostly I know I have responsive desire, I'm not sure about the details, because it's been awhile since I've had sex and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I'm sorry, in trying to be honest now I'm showing how untrustworthy I am. 

[ModestFox]

It's okay, I'm still figuring it out, too, and I had too little experience to be sure ^ ^'

I just know I never had a desire to touch someone sexually as strong as others seem to, for some reason. I'm not uncaring, it would just be easier for me to show it in other ways. I know some people prefer to give, so logically it shouldn't be wrong to have preference for the opposite...

[Mystxx uwu]

On 7/15/2020 at 4:45 AM, Opposite-of-Demi said:

I think I’m the opposite of demi-sexual? 
meaning, as soon as a (emotional) bond is formed, sexual attraction disappears. 
i have a very high sex-drive, but only if there’s no bond. So there’s only sex (lots of it) in between relationships. 
I’ve had so many problems in my serious relationships (also in my now broken, because of this issue, marriage of 9 years), because as soon as it became serious, sexuality started to feel ‘incestuous’. It sometimes almost felt like “ew, no, i love you so why would i want to be doing that with you.”

It really feels weird to write this down. I also don’t know anyone who has this problem (as i see it as problematic).

I’ve been called “slut”, “false advertiser”, “fraud”, “attention-seeker”, “daddy-issues”  
i just don’t know who or what I am anymore. 

I know I'm very late but you could be either a freysexual or a lithosexual.

 

frey - "the opposite of demi" where you only get attracted to those you don't have an emotional bond with.

 

litho - you only have attraction to those who don't reciprocate your feelings, kinda different from freysexuals where you CAN be close to someone emotionally, as long as they don't feel any attraction towards you.

[elmas]

I only recently discovered that I am asexual. I am still figuring out where I fit on the spectrum because I am pretty sure I am asexual with a libido or that I have an undirected sexdrive. I am very certain that I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone. I am pretty sure I don't fall under the spectrum of demisexuality. I have not been sexually attracted to my friends or my exboyfriend. I think I feel a big aesthetic attraction to people. I am basically obsessed with fashion fotography and beautiful people. Don't know what that says about me but definitely not that I want to have sex with them. And for a long time I thought that was just internalized stuff that comes with being a woman. Women are just not encouraged as much as men to express their "lusting". I thought I was prudish no matter how hard I wanted to be sex positive because I didn't see people and want to have sex with them. 

I do feel arousal a lot and I started masturbating as a teenager just like others around me, but I never had a crush, or my first kiss or my "first time" (in high school). But I badly wanted to have sex. But now that I discovered my asexuality I am not sure about it anymore. I have had sex now and its so complicated when it comes attached to other people, I don't think I will mind living without it. Ugh, I don't know. In the past I just have known myself to be such a horny person and I dont know whats right anymore. If I were in a romantic relationship with someone I would definitely have sex with them. But then again I am also questioning whether I am aromantic or just scarred from my last relationship. 

[Exploring]

I'm another person new to all of this. Still trying to figure out where I fit in. 

 

As long as I can remember I have been strongly heteroromantic. 5 yo boy who was already interested in having a girlfriend, and what did he want to be when he grew up? Married.

 

Teenage years were confusing. I was still interested in being romantic, but was rarely attracted to anyone. But I did go through the "horny" years, but it was either conceptual (the idea of this or that sensation), or fantasies of relationships that evolved into lots of romping good times. And I did enjoy the aesthetics of the female form. This was over 20 years ago, in a heavily repressed southern area. So I never really fit in with the guys. And not showing sexual interest in the girls who would come onto me got a lot of people talking. Some parents wouldn't even let me come over because they were afraid I would turn their sons gay. Then there were the girls, most of my friends have been female. There was a lot of abuse in the area I lived in, so I assume that is where these reactions came from. I was always described as kind, sweet, a good listener (As one girl put it, the kind of guy she wants to marry, but not date). So after a while some of the girls would develop an interest and, when I didn't take the subtle hints, would throw themselves at me (quite literally once) and it would hurt them when I didn't reciprocate. One even went so far as to have her adult sisters pin me to the ground while she attempted to force herself on me. As one of them put it, I just needed to be shown what she felt like, then I'd follow her around like a puppy. Fortunately someone walked by... And told me I should be ashamed of myself for doing that with 3 girls in public.

 

As an adult I finally did have sex, and I did find that I enjoy the intimacy, the feeling of closeness, and touching/being touched. I have a great yearning for it even. But a lot of the times I'm busy with other things and would rather do that. Any time it would go beyond foreplay I just never found much enjoyment. The only thing I really enjoyed there was making my partner feel good. Of course, it was difficult for me to find release. It took a long time (1-3 hours), and quite a bit of mental effort. At first she thought that was great, but after a while she started finding it offensive. Before last year I had only had the one partner, so I always wondered if maybe it was just something about her. She was into a lot of kinks that didn't appeal to me. And pain... I don't like pain, but she couldn't get off without it. She was also a hetero romantic lesbian (I was one of 3 men she had ever been attracted to), and commonly pointed out that I just didn't seem to notice other women. She was hoping for a man who would join her in scoping out women.

 

So I felt urges, and enjoyed parts of sex. That plus the shame instilled on me for not being a "normal man" by my upbringing. I kind of rejected the idea that I wasn't a typical red blooded sexual male. 

 

There is a woman who came into my life a couple years ago. I was drawn to her the moment I saw her. Nothing sexual at that time. Eventually I got up the nerve to talk to her. I found that she makes me happy and warm without even trying. Kind of an addicting feeling, and found myself seeking her out whenever I could. We talked more, got a bit closer. Then one day she came in, backlit by the sun. She stretched, fanned out her hair. And I spontaneously combusted. I've never actually wanted anyone before, and this could have been called a primal NEED for her. I had never felt anything like it. It put a sharp contrast on everything I've ever felt. And if this is what sexual people feel on a daily basis, I'm not sure how they stay sane (no offense). About a week later she got a boyfriend. We remained friends, at her request, but I did keep more distance between us. 

 

Then last year, I had what I hope will be my only one night stand. It was a holiday. She was lonely, sad, and clung to me the whole night. I didn't want to spurn her and insult her. And for my part it was really the only touch of any kind I had had in many years. So when she invited me to her place, I went. I made her feel good multiple times, but when she became increasingly insistent on penetrative sex. The physical stimulation just wasn't enough to allow me to engage in the act. I've listened to enough sexual men to know many of them would probably be humiliated by an experience like that, but I was actually relieved that I didn't have to go further. That is when I started exploring these concepts.

Funny side note: I talked to my psychologist the next day. I quote "I've never had to have this conversation with a male patient. It's only come up with women. But you should never feel the need to have sex with someone to keep from hurting their feelings. And don't feel guilty for ending things early." 

 

Had a short spring crush, on a woman 10 years younger (she made me laugh like no one else). Her doing a rather fetching sinuous dance less than a foot from my face, barely raised my blood pressure. I could appreciate the aesthetic, but didn't really do anything for me. Which I found to be more evidence of my asexuality. 

 

Things have changed with the causer of combustion. She lost someone to a violent death early this year. He was an ex, but she still cared dearly for him. That destroyed the relationship she had been in. sent her into a spiral. I did my best to give her space, while supporting her and being her friend. We've gotten closer, she seems to be coming out of the dark place, and she wants to do more things together. I have been honest that I have feelings for her, and she's been honest that she's not interested in that with anyone right now (I think she's still mourning). But she wants to be friends. It's difficult sometimes though. I can go days without feeling anything sexual. Even my normal arousal is becoming more rare. But then she says or does something and it hits me like a freight train. And it's awkward, because I don't like "relieving pressure" while thinking of people I care about (without their consent), but any time I become aroused, my thoughts automatically turn to her. She is ok with me telling her that I find her attractive. I haven't told her about my suspicions that I am asexual. And I have no idea how to broach the subject that she's the only woman I've ever actually wanted. Fortunately that is something for future me to figure out.

 

So yeah, that is my story. I'm still trying to figure out what I am. But the stories I've read here sound much more relatable to me than what I hear when I have to spend time with "typical" guys. Would Heteroromantic Grey-ace with demisexual tendencies sound about right? 

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Exploring

[Skycaptain]

@Exploring, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[riskygamble]

I've struggled for a while with trying to figure out how my (a)sexuality relates with my orientation. I think I've felt a long sense of isolation from the gay community and calling myself gay due to not engaging with the sexual overtones that are commonly associated with gay men (ie hookups, apps, grindr, etc.) I've always been romantically and aesthetically interested in men, but didn't know if somehow shame, or low libido, or a combination resulted in my disinterest with engaging in sexual activity with others. Even growing up and discovering my "sexuality" rarely did I think about sex or sexual topics, but finding myself physically and emotionally attracted to men, and I think trying to figure all of that out with regards to being gay made the asexual bit not as important for me to delve into and figure out until somewhat recently especially after getting into a relationship.

 

I met my current partner a little over 2.5 years ago and we've been dating for almost 2 of those years, and I only enjoy intimacy because it means I can be physically close with him and in that way I could say that I don't mind sex, and can enjoy it, but if told tomorrow that we couldn't have it anymore, and instead just got to be physically close through other means (non-sexual touching and affection), that would be a dream for me. I guess I view it like, sex is a way of me being intimate with the person I love in a way that he also desires and enjoys, and he also desires it whereas I'm incredibly indifferent. My boyfriend has suggested frustration before over my low sex drive and usual disinterest in sexual activity and as a result I've felt frustrated at myself because I love him and want to satisfy my partner's needs, but it's also exhausting for me to engage sexually more often than not. We make it work, but I think he would say that he wishes we had sex more if it didn't hurt me or make me feel like an incompetent partner.

 

In the long run though I think my asexuality isn't something that I would necessarily consider important to my social identity but important in how I interact with my partner and also combating the feelings of isolation I have with regards to being an asexual-identifying gay man in a very overtly sexual gay world/culture.

[Granite4Breakfast]

On 6/22/2015 at 9:16 AM, Betty Badinbed said:

I badly want that switch to stay on. I think about sex often, but sexual fantasies seem to be the only thing I can realistically have in my life. As soon as a real flesh & blood person is present, even one I fancy, it's bye-bye libido.

 

On 6/22/2015 at 1:11 PM, Spectre/Ex/Machina said:

When I was younger this was hard cause I'd find someone (That I thought I was attracted to , turns out is was aesthetic and not sexual) we would be in a position to do it, then I shut down too, like my body said we want to just not this one, all the time.

 

On 6/25/2015 at 8:04 PM, wakeywakey said:

I've never been sexually attracted to someone no matter how close we become. Pretty much if I find you aesthetically pleasing and the kind of person I could be friends with I can't discriminate beyond that.

I very much enjoy the sensual aspects of partnership and will often desire sex once we've been kissing/cuddling for a bit. The actual sex is fairly unrewarding, though.

Ugh, it can get really annoying to desire sex but not have a way of getting into it. I wish I just had no libido at all to be honest. That said, I like the sensual aspects enough where I'm fine humoring my drive every so often as a side effect of enjoying some active cuddling.

These are all from the very beginning of the thread, 5 years old now, so I don't expect the op's to see this. But I pulled these out because, yes! This is very close to how I feel. It's like fantasy is totally separate from my reality. Like it always falls flat. I never get that 'extra thing' out of it that allos seem to. I am still unsure if I experience any sexual attraction or desire, I suspect I only really get one of the two, though I am unsure which. It may even be that I have felt both, just never together, always seperate. I know I have already talked fairly extensively on this topic, but seeing this I had to comment, as I rarely have seen my experience put into exact words, and have a hard time doing so myself.

[Granite4Breakfast]

I know we have talked some about our similar experiences before but some things you wrote definitely stood out to me - shared confusions and thoughts etc.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I believe I was interested in sex even before my first romantic relationship, but my understanding of it was vague and a bit naive

It has always at the very least intrigued me, and seemed like something I thought I'd want. But I have a tendency to live in my head and build things up, so it is very possible that I blew it up to be bigger than it is (which isn't uncommon for allos either).

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

When it comes to things done to me, I don't mind anything within my boundaries, enjoy some of it, and love being touched nearly anywhere. I never really felt the pull to touch someone in that way but ... I absolutely crave physical contact with him, pretty much any.

Yep. If I am comfortable with the person, then I don't mind being touched, even sexually, though it seems to be very much just physical pleasure; I tend to get much more mental pleasure out of something like cuddling, as I do crave physical contact with my partner as well. I for one do feel some pull to touch someone more in that way as you say, but I don't know if that could be more just a mix of sensual-ness and a general curiosity for the *bits* I as a male don't have. I almost find it feels more like when children play 'doctor'? There is definitely a sexualness to it, but a very innocent, vague, passive one, that doesn't feel quite like what allos describe. I too am not a fan of feeling people up. When it comes to anyone I am not very close with, I am very uncomfortable with and have no desire to really touch them.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I wonder… is it possible for an activity to still be considered more sensual than sexual even if it involves genitals (if you treat them like any other body part), and if it makes you feel arousal and you enjoy that feeling? That really challenges the definition, but if an activity that is usually not sexual can be considered one, why not the other way around?

This in particular stuck out to me. It has me wondering the same. I am still very much attracted to women, aesthetically and as I described above, but it doesn't seem to lead to me wanting to engage in full-blown sexual activities with them. I think we are both on the same wavelength here in that even if genitals are involved, there can seem to be some sexual aspect missing that makes it more sensual. This is definitely something I'd like to ponder on more.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

The cause of my confusion is that, despite all this, I don’t know whether I do in fact feel sexual attraction because it’s so hard to define and gets mixed up with other attractions so much. Another reason is that while I’m seemingly sexual when it comes to things I want to do, and the sheer fact that I want to do them, and how much they arouse me, when I read asexuals’ descriptions of their experiences, some details they mention make me think I might be experiencing that, too.

Again I think (correct me if wrong) this ties into what was said previously. I do want to do some of these things, and find the thought arousing, unlike many asexuals, and yet I find I relate to aces when it comes to how I feel actually doing them. As for the sexual attraction thing, yeah. It is so hard to define, and I have no clue if I do feel it. I surely have aesthetic and romantic attraction, but sexual??? Might be a hint buried somewhere but idk

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I could be overthinking it but I want to be more certain about what I feel and what I don’t. I want to know more about how enjoying sex as an allosexual is different from enjoying it as an ace, except that the latter could do without it.

As I think I mentioned in another thread, it does seem allos get *something* more out of it then we do. I think I can imagine what that would be in my head, but having never actually experienced it, I can't say. I'd also like to know, to get in the heads of each and see what exactly it is.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

Romantic, which I can describe – to me it’s a literally heart-warming feeling that makes interaction with the person it’s directed at feel special. Maybe it’s just a part of it, but I can only assume I feel sexual attraction based on facts. I think I might enjoy activities I described with any person I trust and feel comfortable with, but I never had a chance to test that, and I don’t feel any attraction to strangers besides aesthetic. The closest to a “tingly feeling” would be arousal, so no wonder people confuse them.

This. I can easily isolate how romantic attraction makes me feel. And when I go off of those facts, all of which I also relate to, the only logical conclusion is that I do experience sexual attraction. But is it sexual attraction? Or is it a mix of arousal, aesthetic attraction, and building things up in my head. Occam's razor suggest the former, but that just doesn't sit quite right with me.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I’m not okay giving up sex indefinitely, which is another evidence against. I might lose interest eventually and be fine without it but that’s not my situation right now. I’m glad to have finally tried what I wanted and to know what it’s like, and could probably do without it for a long time, but the thought of never having it again upsets me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just afraid of the word ‘never’.

Even though I haven't fully enjoyed any of my sexual encounters, I still don't want to give it up either. I do still want it again to some degree, even if it is just hoping I will have the enjoyable experience it can apparently be. If I reach a point where I would be ok never having it again, I am fine with that, but for now, I do still want it in my life.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I had been a virgin for about 10 years, counting from puberty, and it wasn’t very hard. I suppose it was romance and cuddles that I needed more. Yeah, there was a time when I was annoyed by being a virgin because of society’s influence. I could read about kissing and become worked up over not having kissed yet.

I definitely wanted to lose my virginity, but yeah, it probably stemmed from society and also just wanting a relationship in general. Figuring sex is just part of it. "If I had sex then I'd find happiness" was really just me thinking "If I had a relationship I'd find happiness" (Both of which I thankfully now know are untrue). Really I just wanted to feel desired, not in a sexual way just an emotional way. Kissing I also desired and was upset over never doing, however I since learned it does nothing for me. Even though I still desire it sometimes, and do seek it out, time and time again I find it nice, but very boring and underwhelming. It's very contradictory. Though it seems similar to my experiences with sex.

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I’m feeling a lot better now that I finally tried them. I was nervous and not sure whether I was attracted to him at all at the moment. However, it took just a few minutes of stroking for me to want to take my clothes off. Sounds like responsive desire, so now I wonder what it means and with how many people it would possibly work, in theory ^ ^’

I'm super happy for you that you were able to try out stuff with a partner you know well and were comfortable with; I think that's the one thing left for me, as all my experiences so far have been hookups. I'll see if and when I try things with my current partner how I feel about them. Interesting point, would more people experience sexual desire if in a situation like that, yet would never put themselves in one because they have no innate desire too in general. Not that anyone should obviously, but if they were to, would they surprise themselves?

 

On 10/12/2020 at 10:35 PM, ModestFox said:

I found that a brief touch, even through clothes, felt more exciting than full-on stimulation. After a few minutes, it didn't feel all that different from masturbation, but still not exactly the same.

Could it relate back to the anticipation? The initial touches relate more to what we anticipate and have in our head, but as soon as it gets down to business, the illusion and potential is gone and we are left with the disappointing reality. Could also be the 'kill-switch' that's been discussed, in that once it moved from sensual to sexual it became lost on you?

 

This introspection is leading me back to thinking, for me atleast, grey-sexual may be the best term after all. It does seem like there is enough there that I can't be asexual, yet I still fall flat of allosexual.

[ModestFox]

42 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

I don't know if that could be more just a mix of sensual-ness and a general curiosity for the *bits* I as a male don't have. 

Curiosity was what made me try in the first place  But now it's something I want to do again in the future, so for me that's more than just curiosity. Sensuality is certainly a part of it, too. I don't know if I'd like it with a different partner. With my current one, I'm not pressured to perform at all, or do it a certain way, and I don't feel a desire to get someone off nor do I necessarily need them to do it to me.

 

44 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

Could it relate back to the anticipation? The initial touches relate more to what we anticipate and have in our head, but as soon as it gets down to business, the illusion and potential is gone and we are left with the disappointing reality. Could also be the 'kill-switch' that's been discussed, in that once it moved from sensual to sexual it became lost on you?

It could, but it could as well be a decrease in sensitivity. It can happen even when I'm alone, although I anticipate pleasure in that case, too.

I heard some sexuals don't enjoy receiving as much as they enjoy giving, so they might feel similarly. But my experience of giving was also more exciting at the start than it was a few minutes after. Maybe it's just an attention deficit xD

 

1 hour ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

But is it sexual attraction? Or is it a mix of arousal, aesthetic attraction, and building things up in my head. Occam's razor suggest the former, but that just doesn't sit quite right with me.

Actually, one of my earliest conclusions on the subject of sexual attraction contained this TMI:

 

Spoiler

One of the things I want to try is to have my partner cum on me, primarily for my own enjoyment. This cannot in any way be explained by sensuality, at least I'm sure it's not the physical sensation of a fluid that I want from this. So even if that was the only sexual activity I ever wanted, I still wouldn't be asexual.

 

That's not the only activity I'm interested in, but even so, it looks like I can only be happy with another grey ace, a sexual for whom sex isn't very important, or an asexual who doesn't mind compromising.