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Spectre/Ex/Machina

What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

  

646 members have voted

  1. 1. Are you currently sexually active?

    • Yes
      254
    • No
      753
  2. 2. How often do you think of sex?

    • Often
      188
    • Sometimes
      432
    • Rarely
      316
    • Never
      71


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Mary2000

I am a fujoshi, I enjoy BL manga and m/m fan fiction, I have read some erotica too and I enjoy reading the sexy parts. I have tried real life porn, but its just so unrealistic I really can't get into it. Sometimes I am in the mood to watch (mostly read) hentai (because the stupid characters I like won't get together 😤), I have tried to imagine myself in situations like that but it just makes me uncomfortable, I also enjoy writing fanfiction but for some reason I suck at romance and I can't write smut. I am very romantically oriented when I read, but when I try to write it I´m like "Hikaru chan needs a friend not a boyfriend!"ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)so I am unable to write the romance that is usually required for me to enjoy a story. I am NOT interested in haviving sex in anyway, shape or for. People have cooties, you know? I love fictional scenarios though and if I feel aroused, I just read some smut and it goes away once I finish reading. Is that weird? I have stimulated myself sometimes but never outrigh masturbated, I do not want to touch any icky stuff, be it mine or not.

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questdrivencollie

So I'm demi. I used to have more interest in sex than I do now, so I guess you could say I'm sex favorable. I used to want to have sex one day, because it sounded like a nice concept, y'know? Intimacy between two people. I used to have my own characters and I'd imagine them having sex and having kids--these characters were dogs, but sentient ones.

I used to read smutty fanfiction a lot and quite enjoyed it. I like the concept.

I'm just. Meh. Not very interested in it for myself anymore. I think I did used to be. I'm happy being single and celibate for life.

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PollyAce

@KendraPM

 

I know this was years ago now but thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this topic! I have never related to someone so much on the subject of sex. Every comment you've added to this thread I've read and been like "that's me!!! Those are my thoughts! Someone else is saying them!! Aaah! <3". My little sexually confused brain is finally at rest. 

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MysteryMutt

Hey guys, I'm new so please have patience with me- all this is a bit new and scary.

 

I am in a committed relationship of over 9 years with a great guy and we're all set to be married in October. We have been having sex problems a while (maybe a few years?) where I just had very little interest. Our sex is great, we always have fun but it can take a little while to get my lady motor running and my partner is very patient. I just had other stuff to do for a while, it didn't seem like a big deal but I was then concerned that it would break us up!

 

I started going to see a doctor to ask what was wrong with me that I had no sexual desire to speak of. They gave me numbing gel to try and force me to have more sex, said the pain is just me being nervous but no, that's not how things work. Never once did they say I might be asexual and that it was completely fine and all i had to do was be honest and work with my partner if I decided i wanted to have sex.

 

As I said, I'm very sex positive and love having sex with the partner I am romantically attracted to but I am demisexual, and sex doesn't even enter my mind without an emotional connection. I have been researching for months to find other people going through what I'm going through then suddenly a random video on Youtube said 'you might be asexual' and I found here.

 

This is kind weird, I'm actually shaking while I type.

 

My family are not overly sex-positive in general. Sex is not spoken of at home and it's very hush hush. My brother is an out gay man and has been for years but they don't really talk about it much. I feel like it's hindering me a little with shaping my own story.

 

I LOVE kissing and cuddling and being romantic and my partner is kick ass and awesome. I'm just wondering how to have the conversation of 'i'm not just a low sex drive, I'm asexual' without him thinking i have been lying to him all these years. It's often me who instigates the sex to feel closer to him but i don't really get aroused until we're in the room doing all the lovely things then my body is like 'okay i'm safe and this guy rocks'.

 

Hoping to find others who are like me so I don't feel so...alien!

 

I used to fake crushes when I was a teenager because I wanted to fit in- you'd not believe how great it feels to know I'm not the only one who feels like this! ❤️

 

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InShadesofGray

I posted here sometime last year and I wasn't sure what my "label" was then and I'm still not sure now. But I'm ok with that, its really not a huge deal to me. I'm still learn about myself. In my teens I was really curious about sex so I watched porn but mostly as a educational tool. I found hetero porn to be unpleasant to watch and if I did watch porn I preferred lesbian or gay porn but it was not often and I was more interested in the kissing and touching. With that being said I have never felt aroused by a person in real life be they friend, crush or stranger. I have had crushes and have only ever fantasized about hand holding and at most kissing with these people I have liked in my life.  However I am ok with never having penetrative sex but am curious how I would feel about touching someone that is sexually interested in me touching them.  I conservatedly but not permanently define as gray-ace.

 

Now my romantic interests are also in the "not sure" range. I don't think being romantically interested in someone is easy for me to identify in myself. I have not had many crushes but those that I have identified have always been heterosexual males. That being said I don't think I would be opposed to loving a female but that has never happened to me. My initial interest is probably aesthetic at first and I prefer masculine visuals regardless of gender. 

 

I dont know know if I make any sense but moving forward I'll probably identify as gray-ace for the masses and just love who I love and experiment to see what I find I like and am comfortable with. I'll probably post more about the different aspects I find out about myself in the future. Who know maybe I'll have sex one day and find out I'm just a "regular" heterosexual female. (Although I doubt it) :D

 

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Strange But Not a Stranger

I pretty much gave up trying to put a label on myself. I do identify with the asexual community pretty strongly, because in real life I have never experienced any kind of sexual attraction at all. Not even when I was in a relationship, which for me was the reason I started to believe I was really asexual.
However, I once in a while develop really strong sexual feelings for let's say certain "celebrities" I am really into. It's been that way forever, and I suppose it will always be that way.  It is how I experience sexuality. I have very vivid fantasies about that person (you can count the amount of my "celebrity crushes" that turned sexual on one tiny little hand) and I masturbate to them every now and then.

It's fine. I don't worry about it anymore. I don't care how this happened, maybe it's my autism, maybe it was being bullied almost into killing myself in high school that screwed me up, maybe it's both. And maybe, maybe it's just me, and only me.
I have never had the drive to go looking for romantic and/or sexual relationships, like most people do. When asked, I would probably say that I am ace.

Now I've come so far that I really just want to be myself, I don't need to live up to what's seen as "normal". What I do in the space of my own home is my business.
I am enjoying how I experience these things, and that's what matters.

It's time to be me. And really, it's about time. 😊

 

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SkeletonCat

For years, I've conflated sensual and aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction. Others would talk about their sexual awakening in puberty, but I couldn't relate. I've always gotten crushes, and they never really changed after I entered puberty. I experienced fantasies about sex before I became sexually active, but afterward, I no longer fantasize about it. When I do fantasize, it's about kissing or cuddling, but I'm not excited by the idea of having sex with a stranger. I also enjoy being desired. I tried dating another ace before I met my husband, but as others have expressed, I like how it feels when my partner desires me, even if I can't reciprocate. Sex is... fine, but in terms of pure sensation, I'd rather just do it myself. 

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samurai68
On 6/24/2015 at 8:55 PM, KendraPM said:

I'm not sure I have a story per say. I'm cupiosexual, or an asexual who enjoys and wants a sexual relationship, for those that don't like all the sublabels. I don't feel sexual attraction, and am still not completely sure I understand what it is. But I feel desire, I have a libido. My desire is for sex though, not for people. Or, I guess not even so much for sex, but the feeling the emotional connection that comes with that particular type of intimacy.

I don't think I actually have a story. Beyond the happiness that came from realizing what I was and that it wasn't because I saw sex differently than other people. Or that people really can't control their sexual attraction (that came more from my confusion on how someone could say they couldn't be with someone just because they didn't find them sexually appealing. I didn't find any of the men I've been with "sexually appealing," I've never found anyone sexually appealing, and for the most part they've been wonderful, fulfilling relationships.)

That's  what is called? 😮
I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want to feel that emotional connection (I've been in some but they end quickly because I  don't feel anything) but I just don't find someone that I feel attracted to (sexually or romantically).

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KendraPM
1 hour ago, samurai68 said:

That's  what is called? 😮
I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want to feel that emotional connection (I've been in some but they end quickly because I  don't feel anything) but I just don't find someone that I feel attracted to (sexually or romantically).

Yep. :) Cupioromantic is usually used for those who are aromantic, but still want a romantic relationship, and cupiosexual for those who are asexual but want a sexual relationship. They're like subcategories under the aromantic and asexual umbrella.

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SiegeDragonfly

Sometimes I feel like I need to add categories to my asexuality besides just aromantic.  I mean, I'm sex positive as long as it doesn't involve me.  I watch and read erotica.  I have kinks that I don't want to be a part of but enjoy observing.  I see sex as more of a thing to be studied than a thing to be experienced.  And I enjoy studying it.  I have a relatively high sex drive (especially compared to some of the stuff I've read during my time on AVEN).  I masturbate regularly.  And everything I said about sex, I feel the same way about romance.  Except having a "romance drive".  But maybe that's a thing too.  I do like to do things for myself like cook, take bubble baths and buy myself things???🤷‍♀️ What is romance anyway?

 

I experience aesthetic attraction, but no sensual attraction.  I'm not necessarily touch-averse, I don't think.  It's not that I can't be touched.  I've been touched before.  And my body reacted the way I imagine it should when I was touched in sexual ways (the many years ago when I was touched in sexual ways).  I'd just prefer that people not touch me and that I not touch anyone.  (Is that the definition of touch-averse?)

 

And this is why I doubted my asexuality for so long.  Because how could I like the idea of sex, yet still be asexual?  Just because I had no desire to experience those things myself, besides the act of masturbating, didn't mean I was asexual.  Or at least that was what I told myself when I first heard about asexuality.

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DogObsessedLianne

I've just found this thread as I've been wondering what to make of my own experience. I am aroace, but I'm much more romance-repulsed than sex repulsed, and probably "desire" sex for the sake of sex (it's physiological response etc, rather than attraction towards people). I've been accused of just not "understanding " sex in terms of how allosexuals (and usually they're alloromantic as well) see it, and have a scientific textbook physiological approach to sex, but seen as it's not attraction to a person ever per sae I still use the term ace rather than grey-ace, that for me involves attraction to a person however "grey". If anything I just want to skip the foreplay and just get on with it, usually in doggy style if I can force my preference, but apparently all this just isn't "romantic" to the average alloro allosex partner! Actually, this is the first time I've come across cupiosexual, though I usually just put it down to my hormones as there's always a time of the month that it's "worse", which I think is mothernature's way of trying to catch me out! Anyway, I'm still trying to get my head around all this.

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thequietplace

Deleted

Edited by thequietplace

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thequietplace
On 10/2/2016 at 2:28 PM, enchantedsleeper said:

 

However, I'm in a long-term (over six years now) relationship with a partner who has a very high sex drive. In the beginning, it seemed like I did too; I'd never had sex before, it was all new and I wanted to try it, and I was younger and probably more hormonal back then. But these days I'd be happy to have sex about once a month and not really bother about it the rest of the time. I express affection through kissing and hugging and platonic touching, and for me none of those things are sexual, nor do they need to lead up to sex, and they matter more to me than the act of sex. For my partner, though, all of those things are sexual and usually a prelude to intimacy, so it's hard to just engage in affectionate touching without him wanting to go further. It's a problem.

Definitely also have this problem, although sometimes it feels like kissing and hugging is more important to them - then they tell me they are missing sex and it kinda comes out the blue :(

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I've often wondered whether I "just" have a low sex drive and/or have difficulty expressing myself sexually because of the way I was brought up. But even though either or both of those things might be true, I've realised that the way I approach sex is just different to someone like my partner, and for me figuring out sex is just less of a priority. I'd be happy not really knowing and just getting off occasionally instead of trying to find the magical key that will unlock a madly passionate drive for sex within me. I never feel unhappy about it except when it becomes a problem between us. I also read a lot of fanfic, and sometimes get irritated when I read about characters who are constantly turned on by each other's presence, who never have a hard time just falling into bed and having passionate sex, for whom an active sex life comes naturally and requires no effort. I empathise with that so little that it feels unrealistic. I often wish you could find more stories about couples whose experience is the opposite, but no-one wants to read about that. It's not good escapism.

This frustrates me no end too - I have found a few ace fan fics but none for my fav pairing (reylo- don't flame me!), it can be good, if it's written well and the character actions all make sense. Get so frustrated with fics where the relationship is basically built on sex and never really get to the deep stuff.

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That got a bit depressing... Anyway, I'm happy to have finally started exploring this and to have found this community, even though I'm not really sure where to go from here. Part of me wishes I could have figured all of this stuff out ages ago so that I could have explored relationships knowing who I was from the beginning instead of having to find out the hard way. It rarely works like that, though xD

I don't think I would be where I am, if I had known I was on the ace spectrum earlier on, and I find it hard to decide if i am relieved or upset by that...

 

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@Ciri, I sometimes wonder if the pill has something to do with my disappearing sex drive as well. I think back to when I started taking it and wondering whether I was more sexually active before, or if it's just a coincidence. But I can't just come off the pill to try and compare. @Spectre/Ex/Machina, I never liked the idea of becoming dependent on a drug myself, and I put off going on the pill for years because of that, but for some of us it's not really an option to not take it.

I always used to find my (pathetic) libido would spike during my monthly cycle at certain points so definitely seems to be linked to hormones for me, although now this doesn't happen at all, it's so weird! I do wonder if my medication has an effect on this...

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Spectre/Ex/Machina

In terms of sub-labels "autochoris" and "cupio" seems to cover a fair bit for me, but I rather just stick to something more minimalistic. Asexual does well on its' own, I'm trying not to obsess over label so much these days. 

I'll have sex with someone but they shouldn't expect it to be about a intrinsic, instinctive pull towards them. I love sensation, stimulation, it's like crack; pure physiological ecstasy(but with a dark edge).....unless they suck then, I need to either find someone else, or just diy as I normally do. 

Sensation seeking is something I'm prone to and stimming in various ways helps, physical sensitivity can be a gift or a curse.  

 

I'm glad to see all the replies here. Keep it up.

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neverlove

I didn't identify as Aro/Ace for a while because I thought that meant you hated sex. I think about men the same way I think about rope. I'm pretty sure I want to be tied up and would enjoy that, but if you hand me rope I'm not thinking about sex; it's just rope.

 

 

 

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neverlove
On 6/26/2015 at 11:43 AM, Spectre/Ex/Machina said:

Who called you a dumb hypocrite?

You feel how you feel, it's all about how you go about it in an action sense.

Don't let it get you down.

FYI, the other half of this conversation disappeared.

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GlamRocker

Shit, I voted in this and shouldn't have. I wasn't paying enough attention. I'm not sex favorable, my vote should be removed.

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Spectre/Ex/Machina

I can have sex with a real person just as long as they aren't too real, there is a level of dissociation there. BDSM is a big help even in vanilla sex because of all the accompanied guidelines that come from doing it right. The last two years, however, I've strictly stuck to porn, the autochoriss label would really fit. 

I'm sexually open(I score very high in openness in general) but have prioritized alone time because of self-care(and because the thought of someone falling for me has been terrifying me(there's always some internal BS)), the last two years have been a roller-coaster.

 

I recommend taking the 5 factor model test, it can help you figure things out in all aspects of your life.

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The Moth

This is my first time interacting here on this website. I am realizing there are so many terms I don't understand and I'm trying to figure out where I fit in all of this. I experience attraction, hardly sexual, and I rarely feel sexual desire. I do enjoy sex but can be totally and completely okay without having it for long periods of time (weeks and months). I don't have urges or anything by myself, and I have a hard time relating to other people's sexual activity when they talk to me about their sex lives. I felt like I'm boring and like I'm not a normal person. Now I'm finding out I could be demi-sexual(?) or something like it.. and I also don't really care about gender when I choose a partner. My current partner is a cis male, and is a very sexual person who is aroused often. We've been together for over 3 years now and he has wondered why I'm not super excited (sexually) by him all the time like he is about me. Finally I said "what if I'm Asexual or on the spectrum" and it just kind of clicked in my mind. I hope this reaches someone, because having some answers would be pretty great!

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ThatGoofyGuy
Posted (edited)

Hi, I'm new here. So basically I'm not pretty sure what label would fit me, and to be honest, I don't feel the need to be precisely "labelled". However, I think I'm must belong somewhere under the "umbrella".

 

So, like most people here apparently I don't think I'm as sex-driven as most people. I'm not fully asexual, tho. Actually I would say my "libido" vary a lot through a year, but my average is pretty low. I can completely forget about it completely for a while, then have long period of "low desire", and, like 3 times a year, have a short period of much higher activity.

 

My attraction towards people depend on it of course. When I'm in "low desire" mod, I'm still almost entirely "immune" to ladies charms. During my short periods of higher libido, I might find a bit more sensible to them, however, not to the point to do anything.

Actually, the whole idea of being involved into non-romantical sex (I mean apart for pure fantasy) with anyone disgusts me. Romantical-sex, on the other hand, is something that is, well, conceivable. However, I'm not the sort of guy who fells in love twice a year. I can describe my whole "romantic life" in a few sentences :

 

- When I was at the very beginning of my adulthood I had a crush on a girl. A rather weird, one since I didn't understand why I was attracted to her. She wasn't interested in me anyway and I knew it. Did nothing, and I still think I was right.

 

- A few time later I realize (super late) that a girl I knew was actually into me. She was nice, but I only felt friendship for her, and she had a boyfriend anyway. At first I refused to believe she was actually in love with me because of that, until she stole a kiss from me. I didn't know what I was feeling about it myself, but I didn't want to do anything with a girl who wasn't single. I wiped my mouth with my hand and pretended to believe it was an accident... We never talked about it afterwards, and a few time I lost contact with her.. until she called me back to tell me she left her former boyfriend for a new one, faced very difficult times for a few months and was now very happy. I told her I was happy for her and we sort of resume or friendship, though we only see each other like twice a year. She ultimately married the guy and they are forming a lovely couple with 2 adorable kids.

 

- After the kissing thing, nothing happened to me for something like 3 years. Then, I met a girl a suddenly I was in love. One and only time I didn't doubt my own feelings. She was also the very first woman I ever try to seduce. Of course I was not very good a it, and ended up being friend-zoned very quickly. Well, over time I realized she wanted to turn me into her "gay friend". When I learned this I had already lost any hope for a romantic relationship, and I was actually kind of OK for an actual friendship, but the "gay friend" thing was a bit too much. To be more specific, she told about of a friend of her who had a gay friend and that she dreamed of having one herself (clearly implying I should be the one). She made it sound like adopting a dog or buying a handbag.  It felt humiliating to me, and in my opinion it probably is to gay people themselves. Well, I felt very depressed afterwards, and finally called her to tell her that I loved her, knew she didn't love me back, and didn't want to see her for while to get this out of my system, and maybe we would become friends later. She told me she was completely unaware I was even interested in her, and that's it. She eventually moved in another part of the country and we finally lost track of each oher.

 

- In the aftermath of this (I was in my mid 20s), I talked with a few male friends (all sexuals and hetero). Back the , I was very sad to be alone (for the romance not for the sex). One of them told me that all the serious relations he started as sexual relationships. He explained  that every time he tried to seduce a woman while already having feeling for her, he failed. On the other hand he proved more successful when he felt nothing at first. Of course some of those sex-based relationships proved to be just that, ended relatively quickly. But in some case, feelings appeared along the way. So he tried to convince me that the best way for me to find someone I would love was to seduce girls for non romantic reasons and hope it goes somewhere. I was never really convinced it was for me at all, but I the time I was ready to experiment things. So I sort of "scanned" my social surrounding to find find someone that "would do" for the experiment. I picked up a girl, and try to build a strategy. Well, somehow it seemed to work, for she seemed to start being interested in me, however I felt so bad about all this that I aborted the whole thing before we get to the flirting part and deliberately "friend-zoned" her. At some point, when she was facing a lot of anxiety, she hugged me in public, but I was just unable to hug her back. She just let go, and we did stay friends from there. I think her feeling for me where never really strong, but I think she's sort of intrigued by my behaviour. I seldom see her, but she did try to distablise me once, just to see how I would react. She actually have a few friends that happen to be gay (not objectified "gay friends" as far as I know), so I'm pretty sure she suspects  that I'm not a "classical heterosexual".

 

Well, it wasn't just a few sentences after all, forgive me for the long text. Just to say that nothing happened in my "romantic life" ever since. Never felt anything for anyone, never tried to seduce anyone. For a long while I didn't give a heck about it because I had a lot of other things to achieve in my life. However, as it might appear in the whole - way to long - post, I do feel a bit sad lately for the complete lack of romantic involvement in my life. Hhhm, this ends on a rather sad note, I didn't planned this.

 

Anyway, happy new years!

 

PS: please note that English isn't my native language, so it's probably full errors.

Edit : I asked  LibreOffice Writer to fix my grammar.

 

 

 

 

Edited by ThatGoofyGuy

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Skycaptain

@ThatGoofyGuy, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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DogObsessedLianne
On 1/3/2020 at 1:31 AM, The Moth said:

This is my first time interacting here on this website. I am realizing there are so many terms I don't understand and I'm trying to figure out where I fit in all of this. I experience attraction, hardly sexual, and I rarely feel sexual desire. I do enjoy sex but can be totally and completely okay without having it for long periods of time (weeks and months). I don't have urges or anything by myself, and I have a hard time relating to other people's sexual activity when they talk to me about their sex lives. I felt like I'm boring and like I'm not a normal person. Now I'm finding out I could be demi-sexual(?) or something like it.. and I also don't really care about gender when I choose a partner. My current partner is a cis male, and is a very sexual person who is aroused often. We've been together for over 3 years now and he has wondered why I'm not super excited (sexually) by him all the time like he is about me. Finally I said "what if I'm Asexual or on the spectrum" and it just kind of clicked in my mind. I hope this reaches someone, because having some answers would be pretty great!

I'm in a very similar situation to you with my current partner. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a great guy, but I have largely got into it for physiological reasons and I'm happy to go years between, whereas he's ultra into my body which can make me feel a little uncomfortable because I feel like I need to actively reciprocate which is hard when I don't experience attraction. Often I do things like I would do anything nice for him, just because of him as a person, sexual or otherwise. It can be difficult though. 

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ThatGoofyGuy
Posted (edited)
On 1/3/2020 at 2:31 AM, The Moth said:

I felt like I'm boring and like I'm not a normal person.

Well, in my opinion, "normality" is pretty boring, and the wish to be "normal" only leads people to suffer. 😊

How did you partner react to your statement ?

Edited by ThatGoofyGuy

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The Moth
11 hours ago, ThatGoofyGuy said:

Well, in my opinion, "normality" is pretty boring, and the wish to be "normal" only leads people to suffer. 😊

How did you partner reacted to your statement ?

My partner sat back and said that it makes a lot of sense. He said I should explore that more to try to find out more about where I am in this asexual umbrella, hence why I’m here on this site haha he is very supportive, which I am extremely grateful for. 

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The Moth
12 hours ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

Often I do things like I would do anything nice for him, just because of him as a person, sexual or otherwise. It can be difficult though. 

I am the same way and feel weird when it comes to sexual touch because even though I know what I’m doing, it feels foreign to me. I like kissing and holding hands and hugging but anything beyond that is a territory I don’t really traverse in much if that makes sense. I do enjoy sex but I don’t need it and I think it’s really hard for sexual people to grasp that concept. We love our sexual partners but we also need to help them understand they aren’t the reason for low sex drive or sexual desire. We feel fulfillment and love in a plethora of other ways! 

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Iam9man
7 hours ago, The Moth said:

I am the same way and feel weird when it comes to sexual touch because even though I know what I’m doing, it feels foreign to me. I like kissing and holding hands and hugging but anything beyond that is a territory I don’t really traverse in much if that makes sense. I do enjoy sex but I don’t need it and I think it’s really hard for sexual people to grasp that concept. We love our sexual partners but we also need to help them understand they aren’t the reason for low sex drive or sexual desire. We feel fulfillment and love in a plethora of other ways! 

A million times this! 👍

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ThatGoofyGuy
9 hours ago, The Moth said:

My partner sat back and said that it makes a lot of sense. He said I should explore that more to try to find out more about where I am in this asexual umbrella, hence why I’m here on this site haha he is very supportive, which I am extremely grateful for. 

He sounds like a great guy.

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Kaihan

As I was growing up and until recently, I confused sexual and sensual attraction with aesthetic attraction. It never clicked for me when my friends would say they had a crush on a guy or thought so and so was "soooooo cute." My mind was just like, "yeah their face is fine and their body looks nice. If that's what 'cute' means then, yeah, they're cute." To add to my confusion, I do get turned on by smut in books and comics, but I never had any fantasies about that relating to myself or being involved in them in any way. I masturbate, but it's entirely sensation based, it just feels good, there's no fantasy element for me at all. When I finally did get a crush on a guy in high school, my wildest fantasies were holding hands, hugging, and spending time together. It never occurred to me that people actually think about having sex. I just assumed that was something people say, or something that only applied to men (even though I was brought up in a feminist household, my family is EXTREMELY sex-negative and it's a not a topic that is ever discussed, and if it is, it is with extreme embarrassment).

I had a long term boyfriend in my early 20's and sex fell to the wayside after the first year. It being my first relationship, I didn't really think it was that much of an issue as we got along so well, but eventually it was the main reason we eventually split. He suggested at the time that I may be Asexual, but I didn't know how nuanced and diverse the orientation is so I rejected it out of hand. Being a late bloomer, I proceeded to clash my discordant romantic and sexual (or lack of) desires by trying to pursue people I thought were attractive, still not realizing that aesthetic attraction is not sexual attraction. They were awkward encounters. I want romantic touching, like kissing, hugging, snuggling, but I can't really imagine wanting more than that, unless it was really important to my partner.  When I've had sex, it's been.... fine. I can do a better job myself when it comes to orgasms. The only thing I'm getting out of sex is the physical intimacy of being close, not really anything more than that. For that, I'd rather just cuddle fully clothed and maybe talk or just enjoy each other's company.

Over the last year or so I've really done some reflecting, which this site has helped a lot. I don't think labels are really that great, but it's given me a lot of clarity to call myself asexual, and facets of it like graysexual and having a romantic orientation have helped me to understand myself better. Now with the scary endeavor of coming out!

Looking through this, I've seen a lot of people with similar experiences to me. I just wanted to lay out my experience for someone else to find and say "That's me!"

Even if that's not the case, thank you for reading. 

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Iam9man
1 hour ago, Kaihan said:

As I was growing up and until recently, I confused sexual and sensual attraction with aesthetic attraction. It never clicked for me when my friends would say they had a crush on a guy or thought so and so was "soooooo cute." My mind was just like, "yeah their face is fine and their body looks nice. If that's what 'cute' means then, yeah, they're cute." To add to my confusion, I do get turned on by smut in books and comics, but I never had any fantasies about that relating to myself or being involved in them in any way. I masturbate, but it's entirely sensation based, it just feels good, there's no fantasy element for me at all. When I finally did get a crush on a guy in high school, my wildest fantasies were holding hands, hugging, and spending time together. It never occurred to me that people actually think about having sex. I just assumed that was something people say, or something that only applied to men (even though I was brought up in a feminist household, my family is EXTREMELY sex-negative and it's a not a topic that is ever discussed, and if it is, it is with extreme embarrassment).

I had a long term boyfriend in my early 20's and sex fell to the wayside after the first year. It being my first relationship, I didn't really think it was that much of an issue as we got along so well, but eventually it was the main reason we eventually split. He suggested at the time that I may be Asexual, but I didn't know how nuanced and diverse the orientation is so I rejected it out of hand. Being a late bloomer, I proceeded to clash my discordant romantic and sexual (or lack of) desires by trying to pursue people I thought were attractive, still not realizing that aesthetic attraction is not sexual attraction. They were awkward encounters. I want romantic touching, like kissing, hugging, snuggling, but I can't really imagine wanting more than that, unless it was really important to my partner.  When I've had sex, it's been.... fine. I can do a better job myself when it comes to orgasms. The only thing I'm getting out of sex is the physical intimacy of being close, not really anything more than that. For that, I'd rather just cuddle fully clothed and maybe talk or just enjoy each other's company.

Over the last year or so I've really done some reflecting, which this site has helped a lot. I don't think labels are really that great, but it's given me a lot of clarity to call myself asexual, and facets of it like graysexual and having a romantic orientation have helped me to understand myself better. Now with the scary endeavor of coming out!

Looking through this, I've seen a lot of people with similar experiences to me. I just wanted to lay out my experience for someone else to find and say "That's me!"

Even if that's not the case, thank you for reading. 

Thanks for sharing. I relate to a lot of this. You may find some further answers on the below thread, which helped me a lot 😊

 

 

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EbonyRaven

Well i was quite certain i wasn't going to have sex bc i dont enjoy thinking of myself in those situations. But i actually did start having sex occasionally with a friend of mine bc we are very well balanced and he understands my limits. 

I've been thinking about it and i dont really like the act in itself, i dont like being in it and having to go through the motions, it's quite tiring and not me, really? I enjoy the build up and i enjoy the more intense touching as time progresses but i end up getting very out of touch when it eventually gets to penetrative sex. What i experience is this "im out of my body" moment, like im not entirely there, like it's not really me. I feel odd and silly and out of place when it gets like that. 
This is weird to talk about because it makes it seem as if it's negative when it isnt. I am simply very neutral towards it, i dont crave it, and when im in the situation i dont really want to do much more.

In the most neutral way i can say it: it feels like something im putting up with. Now, i realise this sentence looks negative but it is really very neutral. It is something i enjoy to a certain point, and then it feels like something i need to put up with, not negative just... meh? Bc i dont feel that much at all?

 

And i've started getting a bit antsy bc i'll want caressing on my arms or back and then it always ends up escalating more bc he gets turned on and i dont bc i dont get turned on with anything, but it would be bad of me to just cut it short? 
 

I know this will be clearer if i talk to him, i just wanted to put it out there, put it where someone can see, since i dont really voice these feelings? 

 

Anyway, that is me and my interaction with sex! 
As i said, i dont have sexual attraction or any desire to engage in any sexual activity (in my mind or physically). I dont like to imagine myself, and i never masturbate because i just...feel absolutely nothing (i tried, really nothing happened). I will however create very detailed and intense sexual scenarios between people i dont know, but find attractive, and i'll basically use them as characters to explore different sexual scenarios without having to include myself in the action. 

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