What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[Demi Dad]

i found out i was heterosexual demisexual  about 3 months ago at 47 but i have been this way since i was 15. i have had 2 relationship  each relationship took me  months  build  a rep-or (which meant a emotional connection)   a lot of  trial by error . i never really understood  how to tell if some one likes you, i was insecure of dating in my teens , i  even had girlfriend (for about 2 or 3 months) but we became  just friends , i wasn't attracted to her in that way so  she stopped  talking to me.

 

in my 20s  a coworker set me up with a young lady who was older than me i didn't now she liked  me and we worked at the same job.first date i was a nervous wreck , it went OK  and we dated and dated and started hanging out after work  my coworker at work wanted to double  date and have us spend a night at there apartment. i found out later on, i was being forced into sex (i was still a virgin no experience) it was terrible  we  tried again it was better  but no real fireworks, we saw each other more hugged kissed touched  talked that was good,by this time she started to follow me to other places like my part time job, art school and started talking more about sex i was getting concerned  but i liked her company  and didn't want it to end.Everything came to a point when she wanted a third party into our relationship. I couldn't do it we broke that same day that relationship lasted almost a year. 

 

for me the second time was the charm i met her 5 years later by accident  we went to the same church and she was my ministers daughter  we hit it off, she had two young boys, it became normal to see them Friday thru Sundays every week. i work up the nerve to ask her out to a movie, it went well 5 to 6 months go by i felt like i can talk  to her about anything  and it was like that and i wanted more and so did she it felt great , wasn't forced  and that how it went our third son came a year later. we married soon after because she was the best friend  i ever had and wanted her to be with me always .we put our kids first then our love life so we were busy.The hole time we were married we had sex maybe about  handful  more times. i gave her pleasure in other way bodily touching ,massages with oil ,spooning and hugging she did the same for me,  we had our good days and bad days the bad  days was being accused of cheating on her because we weren't having a lot of sex (but that was mainly the last man cheated and left her with two boys so i understood) i reassured her i loved only her. I found my self coming to bed later and later that when the cheating idea arose , i didn't  know how to describe what i was feeling but i new i loved her and it had to stop. we eventually got over that low point  and our love of touching each other improved our marriage. . we lasted together for 23 years until her death  .If i new who i was then i think we would have even more happier times until the end 

 

love you all

 

 

I say to all  sex favorable labels  on the asexual scale its worth it to try and go farther  .your worth it ,your not damaged ,your not  less a man or less women or lesser being than any one else . you are strong you are Ace.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Demi Dad
fixing errors

[CelticBlood333]

I am sexually active as I am married, but he's the only one I am sexually attracted to cause I have such a strong bond with him.  My libido can be greater than his at times lol.  I have no troubles reading smut of some of my favorite characters or putting my Original Characters in sexual situations while Roleplaying though. 

[InShadesofGray]

You tell me?

I'm 28 and have never had sex. That being said I am interested in sex. I sometimes like to watch porn but only specific types get me turned on. Although I do get turned on I have never touched myself or have ever wanted someone else to touch me sexually. Outside of watching or reading porn I have never been aroused. However I am interested in giving pleasure to others both men and women. Although I have only ever been interested in having a romantic relationship with a male friend. For me personally I'm more interested in sensual sensations like kissing, holding hands and cuddling. Personally I think I fall somewhere under the grey ace umbrella but I'm not sure, possibly Demi sexual. I also think I might be androsexual/romantic, since Im more attracted to masculine looking individuals regardless of gender identity. 

Please can someone help me narrow this down and tell me where I fall on the ace spectrum. I'm very confused.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, InShadesofGray said:

You tell me?

I'm 28 and have never had sex. That being said I am interested in sex. I sometimes like to watch porn but only specific types get me turned on. Although I do get turned on I have never touched myself or have ever wanted someone else to touch me sexually. Outside of watching or reading porn I have never been aroused. However I am interested in giving pleasure to others both men and women. Although I have only ever been interested in having a romantic relationship with a male friend. For me personally I'm more interested in sensual sensations like kissing, holding hands and cuddling. Personally I think I fall somewhere under the grey ace umbrella but I'm not sure, possibly Demi sexual. I also think I might be androsexual/romantic, since Im more attracted to masculine looking individuals regardless of gender identity. 

Please can someone help me narrow this down and tell me where I fall on the ace spectrum. I'm very confused.

Depends. If you don't desire sexual interaction with other people then that's asexual. If you do actively desire sexual interactions with other people (even if that's only giving and not receiving) then that's not really ace. However if it's only something you fantasize about but have no desire to actually do physically, then that's still ace.

 

The best question to ask oneself to determine asexuality is: Would I be unhappy if I was never able to have sexual interaction with other people in my life, would I feel like something was missing? If the answer is that you'd be 100% happy to never have sex and don't actually desire to physically have it with others for sexual and/or emotional pleasure, then that's definitely ace

 

Grey is a really difficult one to determine because literally everyone defines it differently. Probably the best definition is 'too asexual to have a normal sexual relationship and too sexual to have a normal asexual relationship' ..But then the question remains what is normal, and is this more asexual or more sexual? haha.

 

Only you can really decide on a label for yourself in the long run. I'm not ace, but I'm not fully sexual either.. probably somewhere in a kind of grey area, so I just gave up on labels  I'm definitely not ace though because I do desire some kinds of sexual intimacy (mainly giving oral) under some very specific circumstances, even though I'd actually be happy to never have sex again if it came to that, and haven't actually been physically intimate with anyone in 7 years now. Meh, I've decided the best motto is just 'screw labels', no pun intended!! 

 

Welcome to  AVEN by the way

 

 

 

[Guest]

I remember an "ex" once told me that I was a cake... Because she felt odd having to drag me out from under the bed... She is totally not ace. That relationships lasted 2 and a half years... I would always tell her that I had no idea how I would react to sex. She always believed that  I gay.  Now everyone in my social groups knows that I was with her whatever that means. Now it is time to hide from females for a while until it is all forgotten. 

Sex is still a question..  like kissing and many other things. 

[Overthehill]

I believe that I'm mostly asexual and maybe a little bit demi. I was a very late bloomer without the normal signs of puberty until my mid 20's. I never had the interest in porn, masterbation and sex as other teens my age did. I always thought my lack of interest was due to the sexual abuse by at least 10 different people happening between birth and my 16th birthday. The last being raped by a pimp and forced into  child prostitution for 13 months.

During much of my younger adult life I engaged in sexual activity when necessary to conform with the norms of society, but the desire and passion wasn't there. I always felt " out of step" with those around me.

After an attempted suicide I got into therapy and was diagnosed with a sexual aversion disorder. I was also going through a period of severe hormone imbalances. I ended up going through more shrinks than I have fingers and thumbs. Of course each had their own and somewhat difference of opinions. In short I had absolutely zero desire for sex with others or myself. The last two relationships that I had, one I didn't care for while the last I loved dearly, sex seemed like a chore. I don't have sexual fantasies, no interest in porn and I've only had one sexual dream in the past 20 years. Sexualized entertainment, advertising or on TV shows come just shy as offensive to me. A friend once gave me a DVD of a movie that he thought I'd really like. It was about a girl with an unusual tattoo. At the beginning of a rape scene I ejected the DVD, broke it in two and tossed it in the trash.

I'm either asexual or that 3lbs of mush between my ears is totally screwed up!

[winko567]

What's my story?...

Well, I'm not sure if I would count as a 'sex-favorable ace' but here's how I discovered I was asexual:

It's honestly been creeping up on me for years, but it didn't hit home till recently. I always thought I was gay because I've only ever been sexually attracted to Males. I use to be a very sexual person back when I was younger but over-time things started to change. 

 

I always wanted a Man who liked me for the stuff that goes on in my mind and for things I'm passionate about and for my imagination, but it seems like men only wanted me for sex and it slowly started to get to me. Nowadays it upsets me. I don't enjoy sex anymore. I feel "used" after sex, and I don't feel good after it either. Yeah, I still think about sex, but thinking about sex and doing sex are completely different things.

 

In all honesty, I would rather be with a man who is Asexual. A guy who doesn't want to do anything sexual with me at all, BUT I am ok with hugging and cuddling. Not in a sexual way but more in a comfort/secure way. 

 

The thought of me being Asexual has been creeping up on me for years. I never thought of being with a man who didn't want to have sex with me before, But I can assure anyone now that I would be perfectly fine with it and I would honestly enjoy it much more and have much more respect for him to because I would know that he actually likes me for Me and not just for sex. 

 

I hope that makes sense. 

[Michael_91]

Hey guys, I’m still very confused about my sexuality. I never had sex even though I really like women in general. I feel uncomfortable when anybody touch me, but I have sexual fantasy, not involving myself. I was never actracted to “one night stand sex”, but I never  rejected the idea of having sex with a fixed partner (that I never had though.). I know this sound more like Demisexual, but the lack of importance I give to sex makes me think about asexuality. 

I’m not sure if maybe this is just a label i’m Forcing myself to just to not feel like a total loser. What do you think? 

[cucaruchis]

I'm not opposed to sex, but I also don't ever really want it the way a non ace person is. I'm not currently sexually active, although I have been in the past. Sex is just a thing that I do occasionally if the partner I'm in wants it and I'm also in the mood. It can be fun but I'm never really turned on by it? It's weird cause I do get turned on sometimes but it's usually by myself and I just ignore it until it goes away. With another person it's more about just being close to them than actual sexual attraction.  

[greynonomous]

Gah label overload!

 

I just found this thread, and I guess I would qualify here... I think? Not really looking to label myself further than gray ace, but basically my experience below:

 

So from an intellectual perspective I want to feel what everyone else gets from sex, as I was raised in a post 70s sex liberated household (basically my parents were all about me figuring out my physical compatibility and not waiting till marriage).

 

So it is something I expected to be a necessary component of a healthy relationship. What I get from the act is the giving and demonstrating my love to my partner, and a sense of accomplishment and self esteem boost from it. I get a lot of reassurance and burnt calories.

 

I do get physical or aesthetic attraction very sporadically, which is usually evenly distributed on the gender scale for a first glance. (I’m talking about, hmm they look nice, I wouldn’t mind them talking to me randomly). Here I mean that it happens spontaneously. If someone asks me if someone is attractive I can tell right away, just that I don’t really click on to perceiving it if I’m not reminded, usually.

 

A bit more common I could an intellectual twinge after getting to know more about someone and talking to them, though these usually amount to more ‘squish’ than ‘crush’ in feel. (This is more like ‘they’re so cool, I want to be around them). Not sure how this has changed from prior to my current relationship though as we have been together for years, and I do think there is a component of one being on the lookout for this to ‘switch on’.

 

Within the context of romance, I am highly romantic, I have always desired being in a romantic relationship and can and do feel romantic attraction. On that scale I would say 85-15 towards Heteroromantic in inclination.

 

As for how it translates to how im perceived by my partner. From what I’ve been told I basically come off as ‘always a bit flirty but then never seemed to take the last step to home base, just like to stay on third’.

 

I am hypersensitive about making sure my partner is ‘getting enough’ ironically since I can’t tell myself as whatever I get is fine (from 0-whatever). So I do get paranoid when they don’t seem interested for longer than usual.

 

I have realized that I am very needful of personal touch for affection in general (hugs, kisses, tickles, cuddles, etc) both romantic and non romantic.

[Kree_kay]

Hi there!

 

I'm still fairly new to both this site and the idea of being asexual/gray (at least as a label). I gave a bit of background on a recent post as I'm still trying to sort things out, but I'm happy to share more.

 

As far as I know, I've never actually experienced sexual attraction. Possibly 1-2 times, but again I'm not totally sure. I've been in 4 sexual relationships total, and not a one of those was my idea lol. I just sort of "went along with it" because that is what I felt like I was supposed to do. I wasn't necessarily opposed, but I had no desire for that kind of contact. In some of those cases I've enjoyed the experience physically (and from what I understand asexual doesn't equal lack of arousal or libido) but didn't really feel closer emotionally or really have a strong need to keep doing it. When I've been single, I don't feel a need to go get a sexual partner. TBH I don't feel the need for a romantic partner either, but that's another story I guess. I do enjoy cuddling/hugs/and some sensual experiences, but prefer if those didn't lead to sex. In my experience, everyone else wants to do the latter and not just cuddle.

 

I wondered for awhile if I was bisexual, pansexual, etc. because I didn't really care about that. Then I realized it was because I don't really have sexual attraction to anyone.

I'm currently in a relationship (4+ years) and sex has been an issue for a number of reasons. Now that I realize my orientation, some of those challenges make way more sense. Every once in awhile, I feel some sort of "hey we should have sex" feeling, but I don't know that I desire it more than I realize its been awhile since we had it, and I know it is important to him. The idea of types, sexual fantasies, porn, and the like mean nothing to me, and I don't really understand the need for it --these are all items that came up in my relationship that caused some conflict.

 

Now I have a better idea of where I really stand and can become a bit more authentic.

 

[James121]

What is a‘sex favourable’ asexual? Does it mean you don’t have sex but if you did you enjoy it?

[DemiDummy]

Hi all! Newbie here. As briefly as possible, I'm still trying to determine if demisexual or asexual fits me better. I have only experienced sexual attraction to one person in my life (now 30), but I'm wondering if it was a fluke. I've always been intellectually curious about sex and enjoy the idea of it. I've had 5 sexual partners, but with each one, I felt pressured to have sex because I felt a connection to the person and thought sex was expected/normal/"the next step." My first time, I thought "is that what all the hype is about?" With each encounter, I kept getting excited about the idea of it but felt disappointed with the reality of it, no matter how closely emotionally connected I felt to my partner. I think I kept trying because I wanted to convince myself that I liked it. When I experienced what I believe to be sexual attraction for the first time to my husband after 3 years together, I finally enjoyed it, but I still felt like something was wrong. I was never doing it for the reasons that sexual people seem to. I wanted to please him or was generally feeling turned on but not out of attraction to him. It is extremely clear to me now that I do not experience primary sexual attraction to either gender. So definitely not sexual, but still questioning. So glad to be here!

[Skycaptain]

@James121, a sex-favourable person is someone who is OK with sexuality in arts, Public displays of affection et Al.

A sex-repulsed person is one who has an "eewww gross" or similar reaction to the same situation. 

Obviously this isn't a be all and end all because some people like/don't like different things in different situations. 

[JCJEJS]

On 6/22/2015 at 11:03 PM, queenskie709 said:

Someone referred to me as an asexual today, commenting how different I perceive sex, even joking at how awkward I can be on the subject. The half-hearted conversation rattled my brain for a moment. Could this be why it never really had an appeal to me? As a result, I felt as though they may have introduced me to why it all is so strange. Why it doesn't make sense how people can be so compelled by such actions. I'm still confused, but I have my reading glasses on, and I'm willing to see what may become of all of this.

Hello all! My name is Skie.

That’s how I found out about it. My husband kind of make an off hand comment about how I must be ace because he always has to initiate it and even then I’m not averse to it, im just neutral. Then I looked it up and found someone describing “sex positive asexual” to mean “yeah I’ll have sex but I rather be eating cake.” And that totally me. Yeah I’ll have sex to make my husband happy but I pretty much always rather be cuddling or taking a nap or baking cupcakes.

[Eeena]

First, thanks everyone for sharing your stories and experiences!

I'm in a relationship with a sexual person, for just over a year now. It's during the course of this relationship that I've discovered/confirmed/explored my sexual identity as asexual and panromantic. (Or I think of myself as borderline asexual I suppose.)

I'm 32 and I have never had intercourse. I would be totally fine with never having intercourse in my life. But I'm interested in exploring sex with this particular partner. I am so blessed that he is so patient and supportive. I think it is his patience, his support, his sensitivity toward my needs that makes me even consider it. Feeling pressured by past partners would always push me away. But being allowed and encouraged to set my own boundaries and go at my own pace draws me in and makes me feel the possibility of exploring this weird, unknown territory of sexual intimacy.

So even though I've never had intercourse, I don't consider myself a virgin. There are lots of other ways to have sex. But I guess there is this whole other level of intimacy that is experienced from intercourse (or so I'm told by sexual people). I'm not convinced of this for myself, but I'm willing to try with this particular awesome human being

There's an added layer of complication for me. When we did try intercourse, we found we couldn't. I actually had to have a surgery to make the opening of my vagina bigger because prior to the surgery, only a cotton swab (like a q-tip) could fit! Now vaginismus is also an issue, so I have to work with dilators. But I'm finding I'm SO unmotivated to do the work I need to do in order to get to the point where I can actually have sex. I kind of hit a wall and I'm not sure where to go from here.

I've done some reading about more spiritual/esoteric approaches to sex that I think I could get on board with. Basically, it's about having sex less often, but putting way more intention into it and going for a higher quality of intimacy. I read a really awesome post once about leading up to the act, to cook one another's favourite foods and treat one another really extra special. It can involve having a higher purpose in mind for the sex and both people focusing on that during the act. Breathing techniques can be incorporated into it. There are techniques also for looping the sexual energy back into the body instead of it shooting out the top of the head as it often does during orgasm. There's also a practice I read about called 'karezza' which is about pursuing connection and bonding rather than orgasm. It actually avoids orgasm entirely. These are forms of sex I think I could get behind...

...if only I could get past the vaginismus. Anyone else out there struggle with it?

 

[roland.o]

18 hours ago, Eeena said:

the work I need to do in order to get to the point where I can actually have sex

You seem to define "actual" sex as PiV. If you instead think of sex as mutual stimulation with certain objectives, you might find some other and easier ways to get there with your partner.

[Eeena]

3 hours ago, roland.o said:

You seem to define "actual" sex as PiV. If you instead think of sex as mutual stimulation with certain objectives, you might find some other and easier ways to get there with your partner.

I used to define sex that way. I no longer do. My partner and I do other stuff that I consider sex. This is why I say I'm not a virgin. It's kinda dumb that we have this one word, 'sex'. There should be more words. Cause I don't want to have to explain which definition I'm using all the time. But anyway, you are right, thanks for the advice

[that1chik]

Hi!! I am still learning all I can, but I think I am Demisexual. I am unsure, though. I do occasionally read pornographic stories, and prefer them to video, as I can skip over the "big finish" as it were, and still be satisfied. I have only had one sexual partner in my life, and, honestly, I wouldn't be heartbroken if I never have another. That being said, I do desire sex on rare occasion, but in the past, when it really boiled down to it, I just didn't care. I've been called a tease because I truly enjoy "making out" as the kids say, but that's as far as it goes. It's a very thin line for me, and it confuses the Hades outta me! I just really love the closeness of someone I have a real connection with, but always felt really disgusting after having sex. Like it's too messy, and not worth the work. I hope this makes sense...

[AroDashie]

I could live life 100% without sex ever again....

 

But i do like having it as a recreational activity. I compare it to going downhill skiing. I enjoy it, but if i were to never go downhill skiing because of being on a blood thinner... i wouldn't feel unhappy at all.

[op31take2]

With me, I never think about it, but I never say no either.  I really can't say I get any pleasure out of it or desire it at all.  Sex is an unusual sensation, especially an orgasm, but enjoyable?  I can't say that's the case.  I could be ready to give it a go in an instant.  I could be abstinent for a few years or longer.  Sex to me is just something that exists rather than a goal.  I've never felt attraction, but I've never felt fear or disgust either.

[Iam9man]

I enjoy sex when I have it, but I’d be just as happy not having sex. I identify as a heteroromantic asexual.

[Noyzz]

Hello Here is my story. For most of my life I labeled myself as bi/pansexual. Even though in high school I literally never thought about sex. I only remember masturbating once the entire 4 years! As a young adult I had several sexually active relationships and never thought that I could be asexual at all. After my last long term relationship ended I did a lot of thinking about my gender and sexuality. I wondered if i might be a lesbian for a while and it was stressful. Until I started playing D&D with a group of friends that all happen to be asexual. I was the token sexual person in the group and it was always a joke. Until one day I was sitting at the table with everyone and they were making jokes about something outside. I looked outside and had no idea what they were talking about. I saw the neighbor mowing his lawn. The dog. So what was funny? Then they had to tell me that it was something about the neighbor having his shirt off and being a hot dad or something. As the token sexual I was kind of confused. Then I thought what if I'm asexual too? I researched a TON about asexuality and really thought about my past relationships. I thought about how sexually attracted to them I was. And you know what. I was not sexually attracted to a single one. My first boyfriend I told straight up I didn't think he was hot at all but what was important was loving the person inside and not the fleshy sack they inhabit. And my last relationship my partner was super duper upset that I didn't think they were a sexually attractive. It was really weird to me that that could be so upsetting. I mean everything else in the relationship was fine. Cuddling talking ect. But not being attracted to was just a no go. 

I think what has confused me forever and made me very hesitant to even consider asexuality was that I'm so terribly romantic. I am such a romantic sucker. I think that I was just confusing romantic and sexual attraction for my entire life. Not to mention that orgasms feel nice. And honestly I do have a libido but majority of the time it's just sort of there and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. 

After excruciating self reflection I have realized that I don't experience sexual attraction and am okay with that. Now I'd just like to find a partner one day that would be okay with my lack of attraction and low libido. 

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

So, I now just identify as a sexually open Bi-Oriented AroAce (Greyro/Alterous) Fetishist. Not favorable per-say, just open. I scored highest on openness of the five factor model quiz. The favorablity aspect comes from the Hypersexual disorder.  I masterbate a bunch and watch porn but haven't wanted to engage anyone since I just can't be bothered too. Though I'm looking to be in a relationship soon, I'm taking my time, schools got me by the soul at the moment. 

[kumiko_itoe]

I identified myself as Hetero Romantic Asexual a good decade before I got married. My husband is a really good lover and extremely patient so I don't mind the act. There are times when I do enjoy it too though mostly I just want it over and done with though because I love my husband, I do try to make sure he is satisfied when he needs to be. 

The good thing is that although he is hetero sexual, he understands when I suddenly wish to stop half way and not be insulted by it at all. He doesn't feel any less of a man when I simply don't find the act desirable in any way. We are able to swing from being in the middle of the act to deciding to watch a movie or play video game instead. I guess I'm lucky.

[QueenOfTheRats]

I like everything about men, but find penetration uncomfortable and fluids repulsive. If you take those two things away I could probably have sexual attraction.

[Kohagura]

It's been a long journey of confusion for me, and probably still hasn't ended...

 

I used to think I was just normal heterosexual until around 17 or 18, but then I noticed how having sex in real life, as much as I looked forward to it every time before it happens, just ended up feeling like... a waste of time? Like the orgasm and stimulation can feel good, but it seems to just be that... and so I'd rather just do it alone since I know exactly what/where I like and get it done on my own time and without getting naked or messy (I hate touching body fluids).

 

I think around 16-17 I discovered and got into Yaoi and BL and M/M fiction in general, where I started to question if I could be "gay transman" because I only really felt so comfortable reading from a gay male perspective, only felt comfortable feeling sexual and fantasizing with an attractive male body. But, over many years, about a decade later, I decided it's not realistic for me to transition. I could never afford it, and it probably wouldn't really change much for me happiness-wise, I probably am not really transgender, but something else. Now I've been identifying just as either regular female (I'm AFAB), agender, or gender fluid. I think it doesn't help to make things clear since I also have depression and anxiety that were diagnosed in high school, which who knows how that could be affecting things. x_x

 

With my previous partner, I remember we were into roleplaying online, and so we would create male characters to roleplay with mostly for erotic roleplays. Even in this way which isn't real life sex and with fictional male characters, it felt somehow uncomfortable, like I felt a lot of pressure during these roleplays and that made it feel like work.... as if I was in a performance and had to keep a crowd entertained sufficiently, despite that this partner didn't complain or anything (until one time because it was taking over 2 hours). Maybe it was because it became too close to putting myself in the sexual situation, that in my mind, it stopped being the fictional characters who were doing it.

 

I wondered if it was some form of antisocial disorder or what... that I don't enjoy real life sex how "normal" people do, that I don't understand why sex motivates so many people to such extremities that they would seemingly base their life around it.

So, when I ran across a wiki explaining about "Autochorissexuality", it seemed as if it was describing me... so that is why I am here today, to learn more about it, related sexualities, and Asexuality in general.

 

I'm actually married, and have had sex with husband, but it's very rare. I think that he still believes it is just a low libido, but I really suspect it must be more than that, because I still enjoy masturbation and erotic M/M fiction and have wet dreams... I just don't care for actual real life sex between me and other people. I find it boring and would rather be doing just about anything else, even some chores. Even masturbation is something I extremely rarely do, unless I just woke up from an interrupted wet dream, since I haven't committed to waking up and doing anything else yet lol.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Kohagura

[runllama]

Hey community, first time poster. I'm still working myself out but I think I'm grey-ace.

I feel like shame has led me to not speak about this much before. And I don’t want to feel shame anymore! I want to have pride in what feels authentic to me; that I don’t feel like fit in with the standard idea of what it means to be sexual. I resonate a fair bit with being on the asexual spectrum; greysexual / semisexual. 
 

What grey-ace means for my experience is that I experience sexual attraction sometimes; I have enjoyed sexual experiences, but it’s not super common most of the time to desire the whole status quo sex shebang. I more often want to do other intimate things – more sensual ways of connecting that aren’t so sexual. What is sexual and what is sensual though? You could say the difference here is not so black and white, it’s grey! So on the one hand, greysexual makes sense here for me because I like a bit of both these things. 

I have often had sex for the quality time spent and intimacy that I seek with that person or in that moment. I have sometimes been compromising, without knowing I had been, for what i think another person might think/want. Eventually, I’ve been hiding myself when I start to connect to people intimately. It has lead me to feel anxiety after having sex because i don’t know how I’m going to keep up with what is “expected”. Even if the expectation is from me because I haven’t even discussed it with the other person in much or any depth. I've experimented with men, women, non-binary people and I'm attracted to all genders. I'm attracted to certain people and tend to find myself in best friend relationships that are very close, intimate and romantic and sometimes mildly sexual - but never official relationships. 

 

Being unsure about this aspect of my sexuality has affected my life; stunted many connections and honestly caused a lot of personal confusion and suffering. I could have always spoken my boundaries and never had to do things I “didn’t want to”. But the thing is, it’s not that simple. Because there are occasions where I want sex for sexual reasons. I masturbate most nights and I come more easily from thinking about a sexual situation. And think about sex sometimes in the day. But there were so many times were I wanted sexual experiences for mostly non-sexual reasons. I didn’t really know this for a long time though. After sex, often I wouldn’t want “status quo” sex with that person for again anytime soon and feel confusion.   
 

But now I know I wanted sex to form the connection, closeness and to increase the bond. Many times, I didn’t want sex the status quo way or I didn’t know how to talk about this thing I couldn’t work out. What I wanted more sensual experiences, cuddling, kissing, playful touching, playfighting and being naked together. Conversation for hours, holding hands and being there for each other on a deep level. I never spoke up about this being what i really wanted. 

I knew of sexual boundaries, I thought they were important (eventually), but it was really hard for me to set boundaries for something an idea I hadn’t accepted in myself. So, generally I stopped that connection or I would become an anxious mess inside (but also trying to pretend to be happy and sexual) and I’m sure people could feel that fake/anxious vibe. I’m certain people didn’t like the fake interest in sex. I never explained my intense anxiety inside. It made me feel shame. It’s made me feel so alone.  It's assisted me to be single for my whole life because I couldnt pretend or talk about it truthfully. It's lead me to take a lot of drugs to feel more comfortable with sex especially between 18-23 (I took drugs to a mildly concerning level). On drugs, I do feel open to being sexual (touch sensitivity is increased) but still - i dont always want sex for sexual reasons still. Most of the time I've had sex is when I'm somewhat intoxicated. But I've had some sober experiences too and it wasn't as fun. 
 

But I don’t want to feel much like hiding how I've felt anymore. For me and my journey now; I feel fluid, open and curious with my life and in my identity in sexuality (and lack thereof). I feel strong and I have come out as a few different things in my life and been accepted. So besides a being a human I am: bisexual, pansexual and greysexual (or does bi-greysexual or pan-greysexual make more sense haha). Coming out about this has been hard cos no one really knows what grey-ace is! Or even asexual. I hope that I can find some community in melbourne, aus and find a partner. 
 

[DuranDuranfan]

At first, I thought I was a normal heterosexual girl. I had crushes, mostly on either fictional characters or celebrities(all guys), and a couple of them, I had a sexual attraction to. None of the guys I went to school with appealed to me, neither romantically or sexually.

 

Then in my twenties, I was massively attracted both romantically and sexually to this guy I met at work. But the feeling wasn’t mutual and now I look at it as an infatuation.

 

After that, I didn’t feel attracted sexually to other guys but I still had romantic desires.

 

During the time I was infatuated with the guy I mentioned above, I had a one-night stand with another guy, because I was curious as to how sex felt. Because I had no romantic or sexual attraction, I was like, “this is all it’s cracked up to be?”. That’s what made me think I was asexual.

 

But then I was like, how could I be that way if I still desired the romance and companionship? Another thing that made it confusing is that I’d also write fan fiction where my original character would have amazing sex with the fictional characters I’ve liked when I was younger. 

 

I’m married now. But although I don’t have a sexual attraction towards my husband, I do have a romantic attraction and feel his absence whenever we’ve been apart for a while, and I do enjoy it occasionally whenever we are intimate, even though I don’t climax. And I like that he desires me. So I think I might be a heteroromantic, Cupio-GreyA. 

[Mary2000]

I am a fujoshi, I enjoy BL manga and m/m fan fiction, I have read some erotica too and I enjoy reading the sexy parts. I have tried real life porn, but its just so unrealistic I really can't get into it. Sometimes I am in the mood to watch (mostly read) hentai (because the stupid characters I like won't get together 😤), I have tried to imagine myself in situations like that but it just makes me uncomfortable, I also enjoy writing fanfiction but for some reason I suck at romance and I can't write smut. I am very romantically oriented when I read, but when I try to write it I´m like "Hikaru chan needs a friend not a boyfriend!"ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)so I am unable to write the romance that is usually required for me to enjoy a story. I am NOT interested in haviving sex in anyway, shape or for. People have cooties, you know? I love fictional scenarios though and if I feel aroused, I just read some smut and it goes away once I finish reading. Is that weird? I have stimulated myself sometimes but never outrigh masturbated, I do not want to touch any icky stuff, be it mine or not.