How old were you when you first thought you might be "different?"

[Tessc]

I honestly didn't realise I was different until I was 25. I have no idea how, but I thought everyone felt the same way I did about things. I thought what I was feeling was sexual attraction when it was actually probably closer to aesthetic attraction. I find people pretty or cute, or whatever and I thought that was sexual attraction.

It wasn't until my brother started dating this... person. I'll say that, while she was one of the most horrible people I have ever known, it was her that showed me that my ideas of sexual attraction were wrong. I still didn't look anything up, but continued on thinking I was somehow broken until I came across a post about asexuality on facebook. It sparked a memory of having it mentioned in science class years ago, so I looked it up and found AVEN :)

[Skycaptain]

Up until the age of 42 I just regarded myself as a hetero male who hadn't met the right person. It was talking to a counsellor about something else when the topic first arose. At the same time I was also facing up to certain physical development issues for the first time. Basically I stopped hiding myself from myself for the first time since "adolescence ", stalled part the way through. It only took a quick conversation for me to realise that whilst I always knew that I wasn't attracted to men, that I didn't see women in that light either, and I had never really tried to look for a date in my life.

[AlwaysADreamer]

I was always different, and well aware of that fact. I was a weird child :)

In terms of sexuality, I suppose it started a little bit in elementary school. There was this girl that I admired when I was about 11, but I didn't think much of it. I just thought she was cool. I didn't think much of it in middle school, because I mostly had crushes on guys so I assumed I was straight. It really hit me in high school, when sex started becoming a bigger deal. I'd say age 14 or 15 I started wondering more about what the hell this was. I thought I was a late bloomer. Turns out that wasn't the case.

[blossombreeze]

i dont know if i ever have considered myself normal, i was the weird kid who hated everything about school and just wanted to play outside, watch cartoons and talk about pokemon. Trigger Warning: [My childhood also involves a great deal of sexual abuse from adults and other children and i'm really not sure how much of that is relevant]

I don't think it ever occurred to me i was /different/ in a sexual way until i turned seventeen. Before then, I thought that it was common for a female to have sex only to make their male counterparts happy because I only knew one female who really talked about her desire for sex (i didn't know i was non binary then: and, i didn't know the difference between desire & attraction then, either, but this is the way i would of phrased it). I just considered myself bi and left it at that for a long time.

I was having sex too young I'll admit and I couldn't really differentiate between what it was I really wanted vs the expectations people imposed on me (my mom always telling me from a young age how great sex was, for example).

At one point, around 17, my first assumption was I was simply incapable of loving people fully because I didn't have that desire for them. Which left me feeling guilty and broken until i heard the word asexual, which I doubted I could be until I learned the valuable piece of information that you do not have to have to be a virgin in order to be asexual. And everything from my past & present, the fact that i've always been asexual, non binary & biromantic finally clicked at about 19 years of age after reading up on it.

[Nadia Hope]

I always thought about sexual attraction and sex as something that I would understand when I'd grow up. I thought that I would hit a certain age and I will finally get it. Of course I didn't. But I was around the age of 14-15 when I started realising I was different.

But at the same time, I was figuring out that I was a lesbian, so the sexual part of my sexuality was left unattended for quite some time till I got comfortable with me being attracted to women and coming out to myself.

[LiviaHyde7]

I was around 13 when I first noticed I was different, everyone seemed interested in relationships which I could not be bothered with. I remember my best friend at the time suddenly wanted to talk about boys all the time and I just wanted to go outside and climb trees.

At one point I thought I might be bi as I viewed boys and girls the same, and the 'proper' feelings I was meant to feel as a teenager would come later, of course that never happened, which I am glad about to tell the truth, romance just seems too complicated for me :)

[kelico]

I only learned about asexuality last year or so (age 25), but I first felt really "different" in middle or high school. I always had a lot of crushes, so a lack thereof didn't clue me into being different from the others. It was more about the fact that I never wanted to act on the crushes...I never had an interest in dating. I never wanted to actually be with the people I found nice or cute...and heavens, the thought of kissing and going further? Sex? Nope! Never a part of the equation. Never. :P So yeah...it was only last year when I was like, "Wait, there are others like me!" And that my lack of desire for sex was something real, not just my asocial tendencies.

[cmrae]

I was fifteen when I realized I was different when I was dating my first boyfriend and was truly not interested in the sexual aspect of our relationship. At all. We were both virgins when we began our relationship and he was so so so excited to take that step. when we finally did, I was so "meh" about the whole thing. We dated for six and a half years and I think we only slept together 10 or 11 times.

I thought maybe that everyone in my world had been exaggerating and showing off their sexual desire to seem "cool"... Then I moved along to thinking that I was different and broken. I struggled a lot with depression and I always assumed my lack of interest in sex was due to my depression. But I was such a hopeless romantic that I think I romanticized my lack of sexual interest. I told myself that I cared too much about actually falling in crazy and true love to let sex get in the way. (silly huh?) I started telling all of my romantic prospects that I was "old fashioned" and I wanted to wait until we were truly in love before we had sex. That was cool with them. Until I started telling them I loved them and still wasn't ready to let them into my pants.

It was only recently (I'm 24 now) that I fell harder than ever before and still felt no physical desire to do anything with him, that I realized I was asexual. If I could feel so strongly about a person and still not feel that physical pull, I knew that there was no late blooming for me. I wasn't different. I'm recovered from my depression and my sex drive never came.

..........TLDR man. I was 15. then really really knew for sure by the time I was 23,

[TheButterflyComposer]

I was born asexual and pretty much knew that from the time I first started developing rational thought about myself. As to it being 'different', that was a little later but pretty hard to ignore when you live in a western country with an internet browser and cable TV.

I've never really hid it either. People, even if they don't know I'm ace, know I'm not interested and currently a virgin.

[peterick]

I'm 13 now, and I started feeling different at around age 10, when all my friends started to have crushes and relashonships. I found out about the term asexual at 12 and for now, that's what I identify as, but I suppose it varies for others. :) Good luck with your book, I'm so glad you are writing it and will definetly get it when it comes out!

[madame president]

14 or 15 for me. maybe even 13. my friends were all "damn look at that hot bod" and i was just "what." and then they all had crushes and were getting boyfriends and i was just "what." i had one "crush" and that was it for me, and sexual attraction had nothing to do with it.

[AceInArkansas]

I knew that I was different when I was 13 or 14. Everyone else was interested in girls and guys and I just could care less.

[ObsessedWithAnime]

Personality wise, I think I always knew I was different haha and had a different way of seeing things...

But as far as asexuality specifically I remember going through a really tough time in my Sophomore year of highschool, so 15 or 16 (but I had ignored all feelings or questioning my own sexuality up to that point, I remember one time when I was 14 thinking about what it would feel like to be gay and bi and found trouble understanding the difference from how I felt then)? I couldn't figure out why sex stressed me out so much and why I didn't seem to be interested in boys (I'm biologically female) as the other girls and I started to wonder if I was gay. But I couldn't be gay because I don't feel attracted to girls either? I tried thinking of different scenarios, ex: okay, which one is grosser? Kissing a boy (ew) or kissing a girl (ew)... okay I feel the same way about both? how can that be? does that mean I'm bisexual? That I feel the same way towards both genders? but I'm not interested in either?!? what is this? Ugh I must be broken, why am I different from everyone else?......... Long story short I struggled with what identity I could possibly be until i stumbled upon the tear "asexuality" as a 17-year-old... So I guess for me I knew I was different sexually when I was 14-17 but found a label when I was 17...

Hopes this helps!

Also thanks for writing a book with asexual characters!!! :D

[StarWarsOZ]

For me it was around 15-16, when everybody at my school started going out, kissing, asking about crushes etc. I hadn't heard of asexuality then, but I couldn't really relate to them, as I had never felt anything like that.
I only figured it out when I was 19 and at university, as you get exposed to a lot more stuff there. But up until then I wasn't that fussed about about it, I just figured I hadn't met "The One", as my friends told me.

From reading the other replies, it seems most people thought they were different when they were in high school, or in their teens. But it might be more to do with the current year than age, as 20 years ago nothing like this would have ever been discussed. Now we have the internet, which makes it a lot easier to find out anything. :D

Good luck with your book, hope it all goes well.

[Ioras]

I was in denial for a long, long, looooong time. I mean, some years ago I came over a website about asexuality, read only a little bit and shut it again. It felt too easy.
You know, when I was a teen I had a hard time sorting out my crushes. It turns out, I was never actually really in love when I was a teenager. Not once. Not even when I was 18 and went to some class in my free time about how to apply to a job. I only had quite strong sympathies towards certain people, or, actually a squish: a desire for a deep platonic friendship.
Some years ago though I finally had the courage to read up on asexuality. The shoe fit (so to say). It felt good to know that there was a word for it and that there are other people out there who are like me.
When I was still in school I was mercilessly bullied (in fact, from kindergarten until I finished school in 2007 - I can't think of a day when I wasn't bullied by anyone, be it student or teacher), so actually getting to know a boy or girl closer and fall in love - nope. I had squishes on my best friends (all female and only ever one at once), but I knew I wasn't into them. Quite simply because I thought I was heterosexual. But at some point I had a boyfriend. He was, according to school society, as undesirable as me (he had lots of pimples) but he was a genuinely nice guy so I went out with him. And felt caged. I had to break it off after a week. I felt dreadful.
Some years later I was with a guy who ... actually, I only felt friendship for him but he misinterpreted it and I didn't care to correct him until I couldn't bear it anymore. Nothing happened between us anyway and kissing him was dry and boring and eugh so I did that only once and it was more a smack on the lips than anything else.

So yeah, figuring out who I was... who I am was really important. Especially since I was in therapy as a teen because of my depressions (no wonder, being bullied for most part of you life does that to you) and had psychologists talk about how something was wrong with me because I had no interest in 'my sexuality'. I broke that therapy off at some point because my therapist simply didn't fit.
My current therapist is really good at what she does and seems to gradually accept that I really am asexual.

Not sure if that helps you with your writing. I'd advise to stay away from health topics unless you do a good research on it. There are too many YA books that paint mental health care off as evil instead of as helpful and life saving - which is what it actually does, when applied right.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Somehow I missed this realization in high school. I had a lot of friends that weren't looking for partners or sex, so it seemed natural for me to ignore it too. Same thing in college actually.

I think my main struggle for the last couple of decades was that I mistaking a lack of desire for fear. I felt like I just had to overcome this one last fear, get married, and have hot sex. I pushed myself to go out on dates, either from online dating or accepting blind date requests. Nothing seemed to work out for me though.

When I started being completely honest with myself earlier this year, I realized that what I really felt was just lack of desire. There's no mountain to climb anymore, no fear to overcome, just relief. I honestly feel that we should confront our fears head on, but there's nothing wrong with simply not wanting to do something. (Never was a sports fan for example so I rarely go to any games, etc)

I came across this site just last week and feel like I'm somewhere in the spectrum. Maybe 90% Ace. ;) Currently, 37 years old if that helps for your book.

[CallMeAnthony]

When I was 14, a freshman in high school. It was the first time I was really being exposed to the real world, and I realized I did NOT see things the way other people did.

[AceDetective]

I was about 12 when I started to notice that my sexuality was iffy, and I fully realized it when I was about 16-17.

[whocaresthough]

Always. I've been different in all sorts of manners all of my life. Sexuality wise, I started wondering if I was bi at 13/14, rejected that at 15. By then, I knew I was asexual, but I thought I was the only one in the world. I laid in bed at night trying to decide if I was the only one like this. Good nights I would think "There's no way I'm the only one" and bad nights I'd think "I'm such a weirdo, there's no way there's someone like me." It destroyed my self esteem for months, and I started hating people the more and more I heard about sex, and I felt so lost that I couldn't sleep at night; I was too busy thinking.

One day I found a meme on G+ that had the flags of 6 or 8 different sexualities, and one said "asexual". I ignored it. I scrolled past it. But one night, after I told my boyfriend about how I wouldn't have sex with him (and he of course refused my reasoning and called me childish) I remembered that word. In tears, I looked up that word. I realized that no! I wasn't the only one! I may be in one of the smallest minorities, and my family might hate me for being queer, but God damn it, it felt so nice to know that I wasn't alone; that I finally knew what I was. I read article after article, all making me cry, and now I just can't have enough! And very recently, I found this site, and it makes me the most happy person!

[ButterfliesOnWatch]

I was a sophomore in college.

I thought that some people were like me and didn't care and that most people who liked sex just liked the being close to another person part and/or doing something kind of, I don't know... taboo? Like they liked doing it because they weren't supposed to; kind of a rebelling against society thing? Or, on the opposite side of the spectrum, people pretended to really like it in order to fit in because it seemed like everyone else cared. i thought it was kind of a fad that never really went away, like those Silly Band thingies but it lasted longer.

I still tend to assume (not consciously, but it happens) that people (even those in a romantic relationship, but especially those not in one) don't have sex. Like, I can picture them making out, but any farther always surprises me. Not sure why. My rational brain knows that most people do have sex, but the emotional one still assumes that most people just don't bother.

Yeah, I know. This makes no sense. I have no idea why I think these things (and like I said, my head knows people have sex, but my gut still doesn't get it).

[Charcoal face paint]

I was about 11 or 12. We where doing this lesson on homophobia and we had to write the definition of homosexuality and heterosexuality, nearly everysingle other person in my class was like I'm straight and there where two or three girls in the class who have come out as bi now but didn't say anything then. The way the lesson was taught was that there where two sexualities, you where either hetero or homo, nothing in between or outside of that. I remember sitting there and looking at the definitions and feeling a complete detachment from them and then the people around me started talking about it and I was like wait, it's a real thing that people experience. I didn't say it out loud cause people would've laughed at me but that's what I thought. I knew then that I was different to everyone else and I spent years feeling like a freak and even thinking I was gay at times just because I knew that I wasn't attracted to boys (nor girls but I had to be something so that somehow didn't matter) I finally saw the definition for asexuality one day when I was about 14 and burst into tears because I no longer felt so alone and isolated, I knew that there where others like me and that I wouldn't have to fake attraction for guys anymore and came out to my friends just under a year later and am now openly ace at school.

[ButterfliesOnWatch]

I was a sophomore in college.

I thought that some people were like me and didn't care and that most people who liked sex just liked the being close to another person part and/or doing something kind of, I don't know... taboo? Like they liked doing it because they weren't supposed to; kind of a rebelling against society thing? Or, on the opposite side of the spectrum, people pretended to really like it in order to fit in because it seemed like everyone else cared. i thought it was kind of a fad that never really went away, like those Silly Band thingies but it lasted longer.

I still tend to assume (not consciously, but it happens) that people (even those in a romantic relationship, but especially those not in one) don't have sex. Like, I can picture them making out, but any farther always surprises me. Not sure why. My rational brain knows that most people do have sex, but the emotional one still assumes that most people just don't bother.

Yeah, I know. This makes no sense. I have no idea why I think these things (and like I said, my head knows people have sex, but my gut still doesn't get it).

Edit: Sorry about the double post. I'm not sure what happened.

[deleted7]

I actually started worrying/recognizing it when I was about 12. Other kids were talking about who they liked and who was hot, and I completely didn't get it, but I started wanting to fall in "like" so I could fit in. That said, it took until high school for everything to coalesce into a real feeling of otherness, and even then most of my friends were boys who weren't comfortable discussing sexuality or romance in front of a girl, so I didn't really have to deal with it as anything more than a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. It wasn't until I had female friends in college who wanted to talk boys that I realized how little I liked the idea of sex and romance.

As a note, I went through the same "maybe I'm bisexual" thing a lot of other aces did when I realized I didn't feel any differently for boys or girls.

[Nixtmar]

I think I started thinking on it when I was 8 or 9 when everyone started having crushes. I knew I didn't, but I faked it like the best of them. When I was 15 or so I knew I didn't fit because everyone started dating and I had no urge whatsoever. So, I started classifying myself as ace around then, but never told anyone because I didn't want a scene.

[Bowie187]

I figured out I was different when I was 17 and had my first girlfriend xD then I thought I was gay, then I tried dating a guy and figured out I wasn't... and well now I'm here ^_^

[Aqua Blue]

Sexually, I think in my early teens. I had a friend who was a couple of years younger than me and when she started being interested in boys and I still wasn't , I started wondering about myself. I kept thinking I was a late bloomer and it would happen, but it never did.

I felt like I was different tho much earlier. I remember as a preschooler in church all the other kids would run around playing together and I really did not want to be part. Then in kindergarten I remember the teacher trying to get me to go play in the little play kitchen, but I wouldn't join in I just wanted to stand and watch. I have to some degree spent my life watching rather than participating. I am an introvert. I am better at getting my needs met now than I ever was.

[SpidermanBear]

I explicitly realized I was ace at 16 (my current age) but I've known for a long time I wasn't interested in sex. For a while I thought it was because I was young, but now my hormones are in full swing, I have lots of feelings towards girls, I just don't want to have sex with them. I'd say I first realized I saw sex in a fundamentally different way when I was 14, towards the beginning of Freshman year.

[words are futile devices]

All through my teen years, I never realized my lack of sexual desire/thoughts was strange or unlike anyone else, to be honest. Because I'd had crushes in high school and even dated a guy for a month my senior year. Hated kissing, it was boring and seemed to go on forever. But I just assumed it was because he wasn't really my "type" and we simply didn't work as a couple.

I never thought I was "different" until two years ago, at age 21. After an incredibly uncomfortable date with another guy from high school (cuddling was involved, and it was awful), I began to wonder if I had intimacy issues. I started worrying that perhaps something was wrong with me. A few months later I stumbled onto the Wikipedia page for asexuality and... let's just say it was a come-to-Jesus moment for me. Haha.

[Philip027]

For me in particular, I knew from pretty much as far back as I can remember that I was different (maybe about 5 or 6). But, I may be cheating because it turns out I have Asperger's.

It took me a lot longer than that to discover asexuality, but even without a name for a term I knew I was different there too when I noticed sex was yet another one of those things people seemed to care about and I was just like "wow, this is so not interesting." I had encountered other things like that by that point though, such as sports, so the whole sex thing didn't stand out as much.

[Aqua Blue]

Phillip, I can so relate to your post. I have never been diagnosed with Aspergers, altho I would bet I fall into that spectrum. I remember going to kindergarten and being totally overwhelmed. It was too many people, too much noise, too many choices. I remember it was when I first started realizing I was an observer, not a participator. I wanted to go play in the little kitchen, but all I ever did was watch others.

I also agree that the whole sex thing didn't stand out that much, by the time that happened, I was used to being different. LOL