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A Sexual Married To An Asexual - I Need Support


Sweetdreamr45

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Wow, there are so many feelings in this thread that just echo mine.

I'm terrified I will screw up my relationship and throw it away over something as 'trivial' as sex. We do have sex (and fairly often in comparison with most of the relationships here) and it's amazing.. but I have that void, that feeling of rejection, that feeling of being perverted because I want him.

In the past I have cheated on boyfriends. In my defence, I was very young (I'm still only 24) and I never cheated just as a fling... It was always when the relationship had serious problems and I just hadn't quite worked that out yet, and then fell in love with someone else before breaking up with the previous man. But despite those mitigating circumstances, I feel horrible about it and part of me is convinced that I will never manage to have a proper relationship (my longest so far is my previous relationship - 3 years... and I didn't cheat on him). Add to that the fact that I feel so sexually unfulfilled and I live in terror that one day I will have an affair to try to satisfy my needs, or, not even that extreme, just not be able to cope any more and leave. I never want to leave my partner. I love him more than I can describe - and like so many others have said, our relationship is near-perfect in every single other area! We are true soulmates and best friends, and I wouldn't change anything about him.. except this.

I don't know that this necessarily makes me feel better.. but it's wonderful to know that a) I'm not alone and b) there are people here who, even though they're suffering horribly, are hanging in there even after 10 years.

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I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with my husband for 4 years. I thought once we got married, he would change and want sex more often. Because I've never had a problem turning men on, I may have also thought that he just needed a more sexual partner--like ME!

WRONG...things got worse in the marriage, arguments insued, I accused him of being gay (because he obviously didn't want sex with me) and he was frustrated with my sex drive and not pleasing me or showing passion towards me. He was very romantic when we started dating, flowers, cards, and he's IS such a good man, also one of the most handsome men I've ever seen. Who would have known he is just a soft-hearted, romantic soul that can only connect his feelings through romance on an emotional level, but not on a passionate, physical level? When I married him, I was thin and shapely, but because of the sexual frustrations I've encountered throughout the years of this type of relationship, I've turned to food and now I'm overweight, and look at food as the "pleasure" in my life. I've gone the gammit of having his doctor check his hormone levels, and other things, but tests came out fine. He's not gay. Then I read an article in "Health" magazine, September 2005, regarding Asexual people, and it was like being hit on the head with a rock. I finally knew what my husband's problem was - he's Asexual. He just doesn't care, he can take it or leave it (sex). Maybe we'll have sex once a month, but nothing nuclear, regular or consistent. It's a surprise when we have sex, because he's obviously aroused...but afterwards, it's like all his sex drive disapates. He comes up behind me sometimes, caresses my breasts, gives me a nibble on the neck, lights my pilot light...then walks away and goes to bed! You can imagine how frustrating this is to a very sexual woman. I read the article to my husband about Asexuality in Health Magazine, and although he didn't want to think he fit the description at first, after pointing out several commonalities and distinctions, along with the situation between us, he had to agree that might be his problem. Of course, I call it a "problem" because it's a problem for ME. I love sex, and I love it often. I wrap my world around my man and my sexlife with him. So this has been hell on my personal world, self-image and my feelings of undesirability. I almost feel dead at times, like there is no life in my relationship. I think there needs to be some communication and bonding between those who have spouses that are asexual. Not only does the Asexual need to know about their sexual orientation, but the spouses of these people, need to know there are others who didn't sign up for this type of lifestyle...but find themselves with it, nonetheless. I love my husband, he's wonderful, handsome, good-hearted, and I don't want to leave him, I truly love him. But I feel like I'm floating in pergatory...some unknown strange world that is neither heaven nor hell. Is there anybody out there that can relate to my feeling?? Sweetdreamr45

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You're in a difficult spot and have some hard choices to make. I married my third husband when I was in my late 40's and he in his early 30's. The first time we talked together we each felt we had found a "soul mate". He had had several relationships and was enthusiastic about sex. However I soon found that he seemed incredibly inexperienced and that he was not open to behavior shaping or coaching. It was "wham-bam-thank you maam". We were definitely right about the "soul mates" part. We seemed to fit perfectly in every area except sex, and he seemed unaware of that. So I just resigned myself that this is what our sex life would be. (My first, and virgin, marriage had ended tragically when I was 30; this was in the mid-1960's and I had several sexually gratifying and soul-gratifying relationships in the next few years. A number of these morphed into life-long friendships.) If he was happy, I would try to be happy too, because we clearly love each other very much. Over the next few years a number of things intervened with normal sex: he slept connected to a CPAP (breathing machine); I had braces; and so on. Then I became sick with a debilitating disease, and he gave me the greatest support possible. When I had reached a point of recovery, his weight had ballooned to over 300 lbs and we gave up once more on sex. Then he had weight-loss surgery and regained his health and vitality and slim figure. At that point, of course, I had some minor vaginal surgery. AT LAST there came a time we had each been hoping for, when we could resume normal sex relations! And he put it off...and put it off...and finally confessed he had realized he did not enjoy it. I was, of course, self-blaming at first. I also insisted that he have all related tests with his doctor. Nope, that's where we were. I should say we relate so well on all other levels that I know friends think we have a really vital marriage in all ways! When I found this site a couple of years ago, it was "EUREKA!!!"

Now we've been married over a quarter of a century and have a number of grandchildren (through my children). We have had ups and downs, including losing our investment in our home and a long spate of unemployment. The marriage holds firm. Our love holds firm. Our joy in each other in sharing intellectual, spiritual, and recreational interests just seems to grow.

Obviously, I am post-retirement age now. I have resigned myself to never experiencing another (shared) orgasm in my life. I rarely resort to any kind of self-stimulation. I thank my stars for my single years when I could share physical love with good friends (with no threat of AIDS, etc.). If you think you can handle that sort of adjustment for life, then stick with the marriage. But in all honesty, I would advise younger folk to think carefully about what this means. If you are not in a very strong marriage it just won't work. Bid your partner farewell and stay friends if you can, then hope you can find a trustworthy sexual and marriage partner. I have had to give a version of this advice to one of my offspring who couldn't figure out why her partner didn't seem to want sex. It's very, very hard.

Oh, yes. If you decide to separate, find a trustworthy therapist to help you through the months of adjustment. If you stay in the marriage, you may have difficulty finding a therapist who understands. Either way, if you are affiliated with a church, you may want to seek a spiritual guide.

Best of luck and wishing you a satisfying life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

and this is why i dont want to date sexuals

thanks for sharing

I just dont think an asexual/sexual relationship works well

i dont really feel comfortable about letting everyone know im asexual, so im just gona go for asexuals, even though there are none

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I am sorry to hear your story! I am an asexual who is just getting over a failed relationship with a very sexual man, so I can definitely relate to the frustrations involved with this type of relationship, although I am coming from the other perspective.

Have you considered the possiblity of an open relationship, where you could sleep with other men sometimes to meet your sexual needs?

-rgs

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