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Sexual to asexual: complete 180?


clovenpine

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clovenpine

Hi folks, I'm new to the forums and just trying to figure some things out. I'm a (hyper?)sexual woman in a 2-1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend.

Brief backstory: when I met my boyfriend R, he had a reputation as quite the lady-killer. He had a long history of one-night stands, brief flings, infidelity, and sexually reckless behavior. He's also a brilliant, talented, creative person with a fantastic sense of humor. All of this seemed attractive to me, even the promiscuity, because I've always been very sex-centered and to all appearances it seemed like this fella had a pretty strong drive, no? We started seeing each other and eventually became committed to one another.

Then, about six months in, his interest in sex declined dramatically. He was having some major issues with depression, so I tried to be as patient as possible. In retrospect, during those early days I was in fact NOT very patient and said some things that were probably cruel and damaging. I was frustrated and hurt and confused, and it seriously impacted my already-low self-esteem. As a result, we're no longer able to have a productive conversation about sex, though I occasionally still try. In those conversations, he claims his lack of interest in ANY partnered behavior, acknowledges that it bothers me, but has no interest in changing any behavior to increase our frequency. I'm prepared to accept two possible explanations: either his depression and anhedonia are causing a lack of interest in sex, or he's become or realized/accepted that he's asexual.

In the first instance, if it's a symptom of his depression, it seems to me that he'd be motivated to seek treatment to try to improve or increase his libido and enjoyment of sexual activity. If he's a sexual person, then surely he misses sex, right? I miss it, DESPERATELY. Both physically and emotionally. Thinking about the sex I'm not having is obsessive and all-consuming, and I'm just miserable and frustrated and resentful and horribly hurt all the time. He knows this. If he sees that I'm upset, he says, "Is it the sex thing again?" When I answer yes, the conversation stops. When I've suggested that he see a therapist, he refuses to even consider the option. This evidence indicates to me that he's accepted our sexual situation and is resigned/comfortable/satisfied with it.

In the second instance, if he's just suddenly become asexual, why now? Why was he interested in having LOTS of sex before, and not interested in having ANY sex now? And what are the chances that someday that switch will flip the other way? I've read so many articles with conflicting information: "Sexuality is fluid, a person can 'become' asexual," and on the other hand, "Asexual people just ARE asexual. There's no hope that a person's asexuality will be 'fixed' or 'cured' or 'changed' by any amount of experimentation or patience or begging or prayer. This is their identity, and you [the sexual partner] are just stuck with it."*

The third option here, of course, is that he's just not sexually attracted to ME. He assures me this is not the case, however, it seems like a legitimate theory which explains all the variables. I'm fairly certain he's not having sex with anyone else. He continues to masturbate fairly often (daily, or at least several times a week). Though I understand that some asexuals masturbate, and that people who suffer from depression do too, on occasion, this frequency suggests to me that he has SOME level of physical desire. I'm not sure whether or not he uses porn or sexual images during his masturbation. I'm a bit afraid to find out, honestly.

None of these options are his fault. If he's depressed, then he has a medical condition beyond his control. If he's asexual, he didn't choose his sexual identity. If he's not attracted to me, that's another thing beyond his control. Therefore, my resentment and anger are irrational and unreasonable no matter which is the cause. I could possibly justify being angry that he refuses to get counselling, but counselling won't work if he expects it not to work. So that, again, is irrational and unreasonable. No matter which explanation is valid, I can't reasonably expect the current situation to change. Counselling isn't an option to treat his depression that possibly causes a decreased drive and enjoyment of sex. His sexual identity isn't going to change. He won't ever find me attractive.

So maybe it's futile to even try to work out the cause of the current situation, maybe it makes more sense to just accept it and decide how best to proceed. I just can't seem to stop wondering about it, if maybe there were something I could have anticipated or done differently to avoid getting into a situation like this.

Blah, this post became much longer and more tedious than I meant for it to. Sorry about that.

TL;DR: Has anyone ever heard of or have any experience with a person with a very high sex drive suddenly becoming asexual?

*Obviously a paraphrase, and the "fixed" and "cured" are in quotes because I know them to be ill-informed and offensive. Not my words or my thoughts, just a compilation of the attitudes I've seen from others.

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People go through changes and periods in their life where sex takes a back seat. If it's the depression, that's something he'd have to want to help himself on. And he doesn't seem interested right now. So, it could be depression, hormones, he could be afraid to see a therapist due to not wanting to go on pills, etc etc. If he's not bothered by the lack of sex and is really depressed, he really needs to focus on himself and getting better at his own pace, as much as that'll suck for.

If it's asexuality and he was just trying to be "normal" before, it could have looked like any normal high sex drive person. When I was trying to figure myself out, I was told go experiment, you just need experience, you just need to this or that and you'll like it if you do that, etc. So... I ended up looking like a high sex drive person out of trying to force myself, I was even that girl that would pin her boyfriend against the wall in a bar and make out with him out in public. I tried BDSM, I tried letting people watch while I had sex with my boyfriend (his idea), I tried ... well, a ton of stuff I really didn't want to do, but I was told if I tried enough things I would have that natural sexual desire triggered and it'd be fun! So I threw myself into so much stuff hoping to feel more than "Really? This is it? What is the point?" and the "Gah, what's wrong with me? Supposed to be feeling awesome right now!" ... my ex actually would push me away because I was too aggressive for him and he's sexual. Over compensating severely for what I didn't actually feel, trying to force it. Believing everyone that EVERYONE loves sex and I just had to find out HOW I liked it, instead of accept that I just didn't.

Either way, it doesn't sound like he's interested in talking about it much or working up a compromise right now. So, with that in mind, what do you think is best for you? It's OK if you find it a deal breaker. It's OK if you want to try to talk a bit more. But, without communication, there isn't much you can work out... :(

Also, many aces do watch pornography while masturbating. It's a visual aid, but they say they lack sexual attraction to the people in the videos. So, even if he does use it, it still doesn't mean he finds someone else attractive and not you. He sounds like he's either lost interest due to current life situations, or lacked interest maybe and was just faking it to start. If he says he had it before, then it's possible he could again one day. But, depression is hard to battle, so sex is probably not a priority for him right now.

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Bad_Mr_Tree

I've been with my sexual partner for around 9 years now, six of which we were active sexually.

To an outsider, it may have looked like a switch was flipped, but this wasn't the case for my experience.

I felt changes happening, but more of a changing understanding. So much of what "drove" me to have sex in the beginning of our relationship had nothing to do with "sexual desire", although I didn't understand this completely at the time.

For example, some of the reasons I had sex with my partner initially were:

curiosity, self and partner exploration, novelty (it was and is my only relationship), it made them feel better, it helped us to go to sleep and relax, it was something easy to do together on a sunday morning, it was generally expected to happen by the greater society, I viewed it as an essential aspect of a "committed" relationship...

curiosity - fades with time in my case

self and partner exploration - I have interests in things intensively, and then I want to explore other things

novelty - self explanatory

it made them feel better - my partner wanted more and more sex, which over time I wanted less and less of for the reasons stated here

it helped us sleep and relax - it became an expectation of my partner and I felt that she viewed my self pleasure as hostile and something that prevented me from engaging or desiring more intercourse with her, sex often became a space of conflict or a site of "repeated rejection" for my sexual partner

something easy to do together - became more difficult, since each time I did, it felt that it was expected of me and that if I voiced my lack of interest it would immediately trigger a torrent of negative emotions within my partner

internalized expectation of the greater society - i've finally made progress in recognizing that it was internalized and unlearning it, which means that some of the rationalizations I can no longer view as having any merit in my case or being constructive and healthy for me

an essential aspect of a relationship - my understanding of what I want and need from a relationship has changed...

After reading about asexuality I realized that none of the reasons why I had sex had to do with sexual desire. This was something mentioned by my partner over the years when she kept saying she felt I was "blocking something" or "not comfortable with something" because I didn't seem to have passion. She said I focused on our expedition together with too much intellectual distance, although I focused on ensuring that she had a memorable experience, it didn't feel like all of me was there.

Well, in time, more and more of me was asked to be present and it was possible for less and less of me to be so. Then I realized my asexuality and any positive response my partner had to our sessions evaporated and was replaced by greater demands for romantic gestures to compensate.

After a while I realized that if compensating for this was possible, it took far more energy than I could invest in our relationship so romantic gestures have also suffered. I don't view it proper or healthy for one partner to ask another to take actions to "compensate" for them not being someone else.

If you can't have a meaningful romantic/sexual relationship with someone given the circumstances you should change the relationship not try to change the person.

He won't ever find me attractive.

My partner often felt the same way, associating sexual desire with attraction. I find her attractive, she is beautiful to me. I can say this, and have, but if what makes her feel that truly is sexual passion and desire, I can't ever give that to her.

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In the first instance, if it's a symptom of his depression, it seems to me that he'd be motivated to seek treatment to try to improve or increase his libido and enjoyment of sexual activity.

Not necessarily. One of the key factors of depression is that you become quite capable of not giving a shit about things, and if anhedonia is involved it can even be things that used to be pleasurable.

I've read so many articles with conflicting information: "Sexuality is fluid, a person can 'become' asexual," and on the other hand, "Asexual people just ARE asexual. There's no hope that a person's asexuality will be 'fixed' or 'cured' or 'changed' by any amount of experimentation or patience or begging or prayer. This is their identity, and you [the sexual partner] are just stuck with it."*

What this means is that if sexual identity changes, it won't be through a matter of trying. It is just something that may or may not happen on its own, and nobody has the power to just change it through effort (that goes down the route of things like conversion therapy, which is a nasty practice and doesn't even work anyway)

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