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Virgin suffering from HOCD. What am I? Ace or Demi, Homosexual or something I don't know about


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AveSatanas

I can't even begin to sort your sexuality but I can tell you for certain that you are homophobic and that fear of being gay is making this a way bigger issue than it needs to be. I know you have a bisexual friend so you might think you're cool with gay, but it is different wondering stuff about yourself than merely accepting a friend. Is your life going to end if you find out that you are gay? NO it isn't. SO stop freaking yourself out. Gay is not bad and you are probably not gay in any case

The mindfulness is great I am glad to hear that. Keep that up. but Does it really matter if you are a virgin? Trust me I married a 30 year old virgin who is straight as a post. He was just shy and scared about sex from being raised by really cruel idiots. You are really being unkind to yourself. Your culture seems to expect you to be a seducer and getting laid all the time but life isn't like that ideal. You are just a person, and gay or not you are normal. Asexual or not you are normal. Nothing you have said makes me think there is anything wrong with you besides feeling scared and guilty about sex. Our society doesn't teach us how to be good lovers or even how to find partners. We are fed a bunch of fairy tales and anti gay propaganda about how men and women should behave. Sex is normal. being very bad at it is normal. Having a hard time losing your virginity is normal. being gay is normal. Try and calm down. Sex is supposed to be fun. If your sexuality is making you miserable you might just want to say screw it and be celibate. That's what I did and that was my reason.

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Based on what you have said, you sound like you are straight with HOCD, just like you self-diagnosed. Nothing of what you talked about particularly says you are gay, just that you are afraid you are gay. In-the-closest gays still intuitively know they are gay... they don't have to look for signs. OCD is an anxiety disorder, so it's going to take refocusing and reevaluating your thought process. If you have a compulsive thought, you are going to have to identity it as such so you can take a step back.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being gay, I don't know if knowing that will help you at all, if you can manage to relax if you realize that it doesn't matter if you are gay or not. If you in a happy relationship now with a girl, that's okay. If someday you identify as gay, that's okay. Also, having a low sex drive is okay. Actually, everything you said is okay. There's nothing wrong about anything you said.

THIS ONE IS THE WORST! At one point my HOCD would give me thinking I was to su** my own P***** yes thats right, not some other persons P****, but my own.

I could reply to more of your points, but since you said this was the worst... relax. That is normal. It's nothing to do with homosexual, but it's related to autosexual. Masturbation is always an autosexual activity, and most people masturbate no matter their sexual orientation. Autosexual can also refer to self-attraction, but it's still not homosexual. Regardless, wanting or wishing to please yourself is normal.

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On demi-sexual. That might apply to you. Demi-sexual does not mean you will want to have sex with anyone you have an emotional bond with. It could be only people of a certain gender and maybe not even then. If you think you would only have sex after an emotional connection, then you are probably demi-sexual.

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Actually it seems that the experiment you did when you were 10 is the cause of your intrusive gay thoughts. That young of an experiment; when sexual attraction is just beginning to develop, seems to have imprinted gay thoughts/images on your mind or libido. That was only one time you did that gay experiment; of course you'd feel nothing if you weren't sexually attracted to the guy. Also, not everyone gets aroused the same way, so not getting aroused when you messed with his genitals doesn't guarantee you weren't sexually attracted to him. Point is, that experience is inconclusive. I think there's a name for being sexually attracted to pictures but its not coming to mind. How did good looking people make you confused? And not all gay men like anal sex; there are many ways to have sex. If you didn't fantasize about your friends then it just means you were never sexually attracted to any of them. It does seem that you do have sexual attraction, but to people you don't know or only images. Sexual attraction being someones existence being arousing and you have the desire/impulse to do do sexual things to/with that person. What is sexual strictly involves genital arousal in any direct or indirect way. Your body may find things sexual/react with arousal, but actions should not be called sexual unless you want them done for the arousal.

Your one time crush could or could not be a crush; it sounds more like aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction to me. Aesthetic attraction being a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms; having a pull to look at them. It is different from recognizing good looks/ what is "aesthetically pleasing" with no fixation. This does not automatically mean a romantic or platonic relationship is desired but attractions can be felt with other attractions. Platonic attraction is a strong desire to know or befriend someone; aka squish; a play on the romantic word crush.

According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone."

So with all the variations that are possible in a romantic relationship; wants, unwants, mental responses, etc., it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and a fixation (at least out of comparison to how you are toward other people) which can differ in intensity by person.

Are you turned on by your girlfriend or just the fact that you both were talking about sex and that's what triggered your arousal? Some people aren't into porn and some people are only into hentai, just as some straight people get aroused by gay porn of the opposite sex, and some aren't aroused by it. I don't get how you think straight porn led to your HOCD. I haven't seen much IRL porn, but i find it sex driven/fake, where as hentai is pleasure driven and they seem honestly interested in each other and more expressive. You watched anal gay porn, right? Did you try any other types of gay porn? I've also heard of emotional closeness triggering arousal, but do you have sexual desires toward your girlfriend? If you're sexually attracted after a certain bond, then it's demisexual. If you're romantically attracted after a certain bond then it's demiromantic. Example: Demi-heterosexual. And you can also be both. Also, you said you hadn't gotten close to anyone but her, so maybe you haven't had the right bond with another male. Your best friend is just one male and maybe hes not your type. Sensual attraction is having the urge for non-sexual physical contact; kiss, cuddle, etc. You most likely wouldn't be able to desire sensual things with other men if you weren't romantically attracted to them, but as i said, having only two people to verify that is inconclusive when your demisexual or demiromantic.

Masturbation is normal. I've heard guys say they'd suck their own dick if they could. So it's normal. Autosexual means you're sexually attracted to yourself. It's also normal for males to get aroused just by looking at their dicks and getting aroused by seeing other male erections. So a male autosexual would get aroused by their other body parts. I'm not saying the following is highly probable, but I'm saying it's possible: Maybe you're in denial of your homosexuality and that's why you're inserting other men together/you're sexually attracted to one of them and the other is the stand in for you. There are also cross orientations in which someone is sexually attracted but not romantically attracted; like a Bisexual Heteroromantic. Or, as i said before, males can be aroused by the sight of an erection, which your mind could then be giving you a scenario that would lead up to not just one, but two male erections/it's just your libido acting up.

You know it's called HOCD, so you should already know this, but you don't mention it, so your disorder is more specifically called Intrusive Thoughts. That link includes sexual intrusive thoughts, as well as how its treated. I suppose you can't control what the impulsive thoughts say, but why do you fear being gay so much? Also, I'm not sure if you you were trying to keep your post clean because you were afraid you would get flagged or if you have a fear of vulgar words. If it's the latter then i suggest getting that sorted out with a therapist too.

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Brianna Schultz

Hey. My BF actually struggled a lot with HOCD also. He is a straight male who has always been interested in women all his life. He quit smoking marijuana (he smoked daily for YEARS) and this appeared. He constantly fears he's gay or that people think he's gay or that he must be in denial. He came from a homophobic, strict Russian family. His mom told him she'd "shoot herself" if her son was gay. His grandparents think it's a disease. So from an early age he was taught that gay is evil and the ultimate worst thing that can happen. Gay pride things and gay movies freak him out.

He's gotten better by talking to me (I'm pretty good on sexuality thanks to finding out about asexuality and myself a few years back lol). He's becoming less homophobic and more accepting and therefore the HOCD has been going away. So I really believe it's caused by homophobia. I could never get HOCD, for example, because the thought of being gay doesn't bother me. Even if I woke up a lesbian tomorrow, I'd just be like wow, okay, cool. It's basically a fear you have.

Try not to read up about it or think about it all the time. The obsession is thinking you're gay, the compulsion is reassuring yourself. Don't reassure yourself. Just accept the thoughts "Yeah, so what if I'm gay?" and they tend to go away.

if you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Been dealing with this for a few months with my bf, but like I said, it's been getting a lot better through me talking to him and getting him to be less homophobic and through exposure to gay media.

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Demi-Marko

Actually it seems that the experiment you did when you were 10 is the cause of your intrusive gay thoughts. That young of an experiment; when sexual attraction is just beginning to develop, seems to have imprinted gay thoughts/images on your mind or libido. That was only one time you did that gay experiment; of course you'd feel nothing if you weren't sexually attracted to the guy. Also, not everyone gets aroused the same way, so not getting aroused when you messed with his genitals doesn't guarantee you weren't sexually attracted to him. Point is, that experience is inconclusive. I think there's a name for being sexually attracted to pictures but its not coming to mind. How did good looking people make you confused? And not all gay men like anal sex; there are many ways to have sex. If you didn't fantasize about your friends then it just means you were never sexually attracted to any of them. It does seem that you do have sexual attraction, but to people you don't know or only images. Sexual attraction being someones existence being arousing and you have the desire/impulse to do do sexual things to/with that person. What is sexual strictly involves genital arousal in any direct or indirect way. Your body may find things sexual/react with arousal, but actions should not be called sexual unless you want them done for the arousal.

Your one time crush could or could not be a crush; it sounds more like aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction to me. Aesthetic attraction being a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms; having a pull to look at them. It is different from recognizing good looks/ what is "aesthetically pleasing" with no fixation. This does not automatically mean a romantic or platonic relationship is desired but attractions can be felt with other attractions. Platonic attraction is a strong desire to know or befriend someone; aka squish; a play on the romantic word crush.

According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone."

So with all the variations that are possible in a romantic relationship; wants, unwants, mental responses, etc., it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and a fixation (at least out of comparison to how you are toward other people) which can differ in intensity by person.

Are you turned on by your girlfriend or just the fact that you both were talking about sex and that's what triggered your arousal? Some people aren't into porn and some people are only into hentai, just as some straight people get aroused by gay porn of the opposite sex, and some aren't aroused by it. I don't get how you think straight porn led to your HOCD. I haven't seen much IRL porn, but i find it sex driven/fake, where as hentai is pleasure driven and they seem honestly interested in each other and more expressive. You watched anal gay porn, right? Did you try any other types of gay porn? I've also heard of emotional closeness triggering arousal, but do you have sexual desires toward your girlfriend? If you're sexually attracted after a certain bond, then it's demisexual. If you're romantically attracted after a certain bond then it's demiromantic. Example: Demi-heterosexual. And you can also be both. Also, you said you hadn't gotten close to anyone but her, so maybe you haven't had the right bond with another male. Your best friend is just one male and maybe hes not your type. Sensual attraction is having the urge for non-sexual physical contact; kiss, cuddle, etc. You most likely wouldn't be able to desire sensual things with other men if you weren't romantically attracted to them, but as i said, having only two people to verify that is inconclusive when your demisexual or demiromantic.

Masturbation is normal. I've heard guys say they'd suck their own dick if they could. So it's normal. Autosexual means you're sexually attracted to yourself. It's also normal for males to get aroused just by looking at their dicks and getting aroused by seeing other male erections. So a male autosexual would get aroused by their other body parts. I'm not saying the following is highly probable, but I'm saying it's possible: Maybe you're in denial of your homosexuality and that's why you're inserting other men together/you're sexually attracted to one of them and the other is the stand in for you. There are also cross orientations in which someone is sexually attracted but not romantically attracted; like a Bisexual Heteroromantic. Or, as i said before, males can be aroused by the sight of an erection, which your mind could then be giving you a scenario that would lead up to not just one, but two male erections/it's just your libido acting up.

You know it's called HOCD, so you should already know this, but you don't mention it, so your disorder is more specifically called Intrusive Thoughts. That link includes sexual intrusive thoughts, as well as how its treated. I suppose you can't control what the impulsive thoughts say, but why do you fear being gay so much? Also, I'm not sure if you you were trying to keep your post clean because you were afraid you would get flagged or if you have a fear of vulgar words. If it's the latter then i suggest getting that sorted out with a therapist too.

Hi Star Bit!

First I would like to thank you for getting back to me in such detailed manner. You really gave me thinking.Yes, I wanted to make this post clean. I don't have a problem using stronger language in my life or on the internet, so I wouldn't really struggle including foul language if I really wanted to, but I just didn't feel it was necessary if by any chance a minor person comes across this post and reads it.

Regarding me being scared of being gay.

Well my parents for starters are both homophobic. It sadly runs in the family. While I didn't mention this but I love my mother and honestly this would destroy her if I came out realizing I was gay afterall. Heck she even said herself one time. She was watching reality tv-show (Big Brother) and they had two homosexual people in there competing for the main prize, as well as the rest of the crew. She can stand the person personality and likes the guy/girl, its just the way they move and act than she seems to struggle with. Heck over time she actually like one gay person and wanted him to win the show, because she started to notice for what kinda good person he was, so all else that used to disturb her didn't cross her mind. But as a female to see a man walk and act like a female probably scares her on the inside. All the older believes that the parents gave her. Her old parent lived in world war era so we could only imagine what they said about homosexuals. Hitler himself once said it was a disease and kids afterwards grew to embrace that idea even after Hitler being a racist person he was a skilful artist and a master manipulator.

While watching the show she said: Let others be gay, but if any of my kids was to be homosexual, I would hang myself.

I asked. Why would go that far? What are you saying? Because of what other people would think. She always lived by what other think or will think. Now this would drive my thoughts insane, because while I had them weeks before this surprise hit the fan, as I really didn't know that she would go this far & this would now give me thinking "Am I in some serious denial" because I don't want my mother to do anything crazy to herself, and yet by doubts started way before this.

I'll be honest with you. AveSatanas was right.

As much as I would want to deny it, deep inside i do also feel I'm homophobic, well sorta. I don't like this about me, it makes me feel immature, It makes me feel I lack understanding I should have. I'm 27 years old and yet while I have this. I feel like a typical brat that can only feel sorry for himself. I mean I look at racism and feel its all childish stupidity. I have a Net.site where I work and I had contact with people of all race. As i helped them grow their channel, I became friends with them and I'm happy about that. I even meet some of them in real life, skin colors doesn't make us any different.

Believe me when I say. I know homophobia is stupid. And yet its like its in-build in me. We aren't religious people btw (I believe in spiritualism, but I'm on the neutral about god, I can't say what to believe) and yet parents believes about this would stick with us, as we grow without even realizing how much. In our house lots of foul language is used, so I would never need treatment for the lack of using it, or the lack of anger. Regarding believes, I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to be scared of homosexual people in close reach. And yet there is this magnet in-reverse while being near them, I can't help but to have this. Its the lack of understanding, lack of contact. Somehow I also feel my homophobia is ego-influences and sometimes some people in denial have it. Which would only add up to my anxiety after reading this on some forum. I start to believe things way too easy. But knowing myself enough, I really don't want to feel this way. While I also know a girl 2 years ago i kinda grow to like her, people noticed, but she has such an incredible charisma. She was taken, so we would stay friends on the internet talking over Skype and yet I knew the first day i saw her that she was a lesbian, while others in the community couldn't tell this. Heck some even asked. Is she a guy? Which I found to be incredible disrespectful. Like we people can't even recognize gender anymore. I knew lots of tomboyish girl in my life. Yet i seem to get attach to her for she had different ways to her than most woman have. Her ways were tomboyish and after that I started to realize that I have a soft spot for females that are not so girly, & more like 60% female & 40% man state of mind or 45% male. I don't know its something I've noticed over the years living my life, but It has to be a girl, or else I can't feel that inner-attraction and the girl doesn't have to look tomboyish either, just have that level of realizem to slam the door in-front of me if all went bad, a sharp mouth, It also seems I'm attached to dark things like Gothic.

Handsome people confuse you? How so?

Because I constantly over-analyze peoples faces. Its like I need to test myself while analyzing to see to which gender I'm more attracted to, and yet my obsessions give me focusing on looking at other mans faces too much.

I have to note that before I got this obsession, I never notices guys much, my eyes were always on girls. I could hear anything homosexual related and not have any doubts in my mind, because I liked girls, virgin or not.

I've also seem to notice to gain another obsession, very weird one. So its probably Pure-O related and not OCD as a whole. Everytime I would read something funny, I would go out of my room and to the kitchen. Yet why? I aren't going there to get food or anything. So i come back to my room. I would realize this strange pattern as an obsession over time, yet no matter if i know about this, my body will still do the same thing. I never done this before looking back.

Here are few things I notices:

Now I did dream in the past and from what I can remember all my sexual dreams were with a girl. Even with this intrusive thought as I had this past months I could never dream about me with a man in a sexual way. I had not a single homosexual dream 27 years where I was involved.

Why I know I was a porn addict even after watching only for 10-15 minutes per day.

- lets start with the most important one. In the past 2 months I had 9+ sexual dreams (sex intercourse, (no anal), masturbation, kiss, feelings, or just strange). Some say dreams have no meaning, but they can indicate obsessions I feel.

First dream: would be me in a store getting some groceries, after witnessing a male and a female pornostar entering the store, I would grab hand of the female pornostar and visit the toilet room and I had my ways with her.

Her face and body would change to another woman with a more natural body. (Lucid dream)

Second dream: would be a classic one. Me watching porn and finishing masturbation. I would feel horrible because I can remember I gave myself a task to never masturbate to porn ever again, so once I woke up I felt relieved that was not the case, and it was all just a dream. Its incredible how many people had this same dream also while taking on the task of Nofap to porn.

Third dream: Would be kissing my girlfriend after I saw her being my actual neighbor. (lucid dream)

Fourth dream: Viewing sex from the third party perspective. Watching a man an a woman like I'm the cameraman. The woman was attractive until they turn and realize that woman actually had a penis, I felt strong urge to leave that room because I didn't like what I saw.

Fifth dream: Would be me looking for my girlfriends house while on foot. Somehow a male person I over-analyze while I had my obsession would jump into my dream as a friend in financial needs so I gave him 5 dollars lol

Sixth dream: My girlfriends parents visiting my parents, My father would be drunk and made a great mess out of everything. They would try to leave, being old school they would gave me thinking there is no way we can be together after all this. But I would go after them & let them know how much she really meant to me. They would actually listen to me after seeing how i was. (This was the most emotional dream I ever had in my life) I was covered in tears and it all felt so real.

Seventh dream: Having sex position 69 with an Asian girl i don't know. (nobody complained)

I would have another dream with an Asian girl but somehow I didn't watch much Asian porn in my life.

Eighth dream: Being in porno industry in a room full of naked lesbian walking around and I couldn't get an erection just from viewing. (clear dream that indicate my fear)

Ninth dream: In a bar that was covered by people, controlling myself or at least that is how it felt, I could make everybody simply disappear, as I had penetration sex with the bars waitress, there was this incredible feeling of heat. And non of us seem to complain, just like the rest of the dreams. It sorta felt like lucid dream.

I would woke up and think well its all just a dream, but clearly something isn't right, I dream about this too much.

The reason I said why straight porn had to do something with my sexual thoughts

is because while I would meditate mindfulness, I would get this past porno pictures stuck inside my head. Meditation help me control this as well as me being staying away from it all.

- I also seem to notice that while being far away from porn masturbation, I dream more often. Sometimes even 3, 4 different ones per night, and I can sometimes remember all of them. I haven't had a nightmare in ages.

- Before this I would not have my mind stuck with sexual things all day. Re-checking same ocd sites multiple times & reading same lines, and even testing watching genre I never had any interest in watching. I never had no interest no desire in watching gay porn. I did start by watching female strip and lesbian porn, but gay porn is like it didn't exist for me. I know watching gay porn doesn't make one gay or the other way around, but while I watch, while I felt this dry taste, I mostly felt disgust.

I read a book called Your Brain on Porn:

It mentions how our brain craws for new ideas to release a larger degree of dopamine. And porn industry is filled with novelty at which you can release higher degree of energy. Also large portion of different porn watching can give people strange fetishes over time. They did test, scanning brains to see who was a porn addict. I wonder how my test would be like If was to be scanned. Many of them porn addicts had ED and some of them were only 16, 17 years old, so how could that be if they were healthy outside of this no diabetic nothing.

It also gave me thinking. Its clear my brain is bored of porn watch, but people that are bored of one genre swap to another for that seems to make them excited again. But i would go watch (gay porn & even beastiality)

okay girl and a dog, horse, now that is just disturbing. And for me nothing exciting would happen, it would be limp as it can get. While I can also note that straight Hardcore porn, quick events were the most effective ones for me. So it shows I clearly was a porn addict to get turned on only by the extreme only (or maybe it was the ways of act). Yet while I would have fantasize it would need to be gentle, the total opposite to turn me on and it would have to be with my girl, and nobody else.

Also after time of not watching anything sexual its like my brain is going back to my old habit. Just yesterday I saw i thumbnail of a half naked girl, this would gave me the idea of watching a female strip video and so I did. In before I knew it my body felt fully excited again as my erection was there without any help but not for the people in the video, but for the act of sex alone. I would later gave gay porn this same chance, but I didn't feel any excitement in looking out looking at two mans bodies having sex, or solo guy doing masturbation for I'm not really attracted to penises. In the past Its would be the act of penis into a vagina that would make it exciting, but never penis on its own or two penises.

Also I would always prefer watching two girls kissing, before two guys any days if I had a choice on what to watch. As for the straight, well I wouldn't want a guy kissing a girl in there either strangely enough. I feel that a kiss is very intimate between the two and they act with no real life connection, so I just wouldn't like that idea to be displayed in-front of my eyes. But those are my tastes and they honestly don't mean much.

how i knew i was obsessive was how I would start to obsess over my body signal.

body signals.

This would sometimes give a buzz in my genital area. I would watch a video and being obsessive saying "handsome guy" I would focus too much on the respond and I would get the buzz. No movement, just a short buzz in my genital area, but all this signal would be fake because It was trigger by anxiety, because I focused on that body part for so long hoping it will not happen just to happen.

Are you turned on by your girlfriend or just the fact that you both were talking about sex and that's what triggered your arousal?

Good question. And honestly I can't say what to say about this. When i fantasize I would think of us kissing and that would get me aroused. Now if i was to imagine saying just sexual things it would not turn me on. And yet if i imagine anybody else in same scene saying anything sexual, it would also not turn me on. Its hard to answer as we both didn't have the chance to touch each other or be close to each other, simply visual or picture will not do for me. I believe its the in connected on deeper level. Knowing that same desire we both share for each other that make me much more excited on the inside. Knowing what kinda life she had, what made her what she is today. Opened herself to me, to me of all people, while being in silence even to the ones she knew her whole life like her parents.

She saw mystery in me approach me when I was feeling broken. She had it hard in life, told me I melt her ice and she used to consider herself a very cold person, yet she can't but to feel happy and a better person around me. And this is

exactly how I feel. But Its like knowing all this is, past, present about her, is what truly triggers everything in me. This is why I felt I was demi-sexual. Because my body craves for her body only and also I notice if the connection seems to get weaker, like we don't speak to each other for some period of time or we feel like something is a miss, my sex drive goes down, so I feel that connection has to stay strong for my drive to continue.

What I feel right now is pushing me back is my lack of understand female gender.

In the past lack of healthy conversations and no flirting with woman made me lose my way. I may have lived my life with two woman, but that doesn't change the fact I'm retarded when it comes to women and relationship. I think my tong would twist, and I would only make a fool of myself if I tried. But i have to learn so I don't make stupid mistakes that will cost me something that could be amazing. While I also noticed moments when I was feeling more confident about myself, in those moment If i was talking to a woman, I would feel this atmosphere I would never get with a man. This romantic feeling.

The reason I'm fearing of being gay is fear of double life, or living a lie, to never know the truth. To fail myself, to fail others.

I never got an erection looking at my own penis, all sub- gender of Gay doesn't hold me up, even after seeing all genre of straight so that should be novelty but it does nothing for me.

Also body specifically. Males body goes against everything I actually like.

Gay people are suppose to be attracted to penises while I'm attracted into the act of penis into a vagina. Also I don't find a vagina weird, gross like some people do.

Heck some of my favorite sex positions I would love to act upon are actually female receiving oral pleasure involved.

Honestly looking at everything its clear no matter what I am, I was porn addicted. But now I'm questioning demi-sexuality

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Demi-Marko

Hey. My BF actually struggled a lot with HOCD also. He is a straight male who has always been interested in women all his life. He quit smoking marijuana (he smoked daily for YEARS) and this appeared. He constantly fears he's gay or that people think he's gay or that he must be in denial. He came from a homophobic, strict Russian family. His mom told him she'd "shoot herself" if her son was gay. His grandparents think it's a disease. So from an early age he was taught that gay is evil and the ultimate worst thing that can happen. Gay pride things and gay movies freak him out.

He's gotten better by talking to me (I'm pretty good on sexuality thanks to finding out about asexuality and myself a few years back lol). He's becoming less homophobic and more accepting and therefore the HOCD has been going away. So I really believe it's caused by homophobia. I could never get HOCD, for example, because the thought of being gay doesn't bother me. Even if I woke up a lesbian tomorrow, I'd just be like wow, okay, cool. It's basically a fear you have.

Try not to read up about it or think about it all the time. The obsession is thinking you're gay, the compulsion is reassuring yourself. Don't reassure yourself. Just accept the thoughts "Yeah, so what if I'm gay?" and they tend to go away.

if you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Been dealing with this for a few months with my bf, but like I said, it's been getting a lot better through me talking to him and getting him to be less homophobic and through exposure to gay media.

Unbelievable, the thing you said are the same things I mention in my reply to Star Bit just a moment ago.

my parents are both homophobic, old parent teach them its a decease from the old Hitler days of saying. My own mother said she would hang herself if any of her two children was homosexual, I don't get this because my mother was always a kind person that looked after other peoples health before hers, to say this, i didn't expect.

I'll be sure to send a PM thank you so much for the helping hand

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