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Why do they always go for where the sun don't shine?


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Lord Jade Cross

Good question. I have wondered the same on occasions about why a breast can be almost completely uncovered yet for some people if they don't see the nipple, it somehow doesn't count or something?

Also wondering the same for women's interest in a man's aesthetic features.

Might be worth looking into the neurological processes involved in these things. I think I'll be taking a look in a little bit.

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  • 3 weeks later...
myoddsmoremauve

Given the depth to which I explain things to them, I cannot help but wonder:

1.) Does the man receive any direct turn-on from fondling my sexual parts? Or am I still not communicating well enough to them that my sexual bits are irrelevant to what romantically/sensually turns me on?

2.) If the man does receive some direct pleasure from touching those parts of me then why wouldn't me helping them achieve a climax be enough for them?

Any ideas would be appreciated. I know the easiest solution would be to meet another ace. Until that happens, I would like to know how to communicate better with a non-ace.

I cannot speak for all sexual (or non-sexual) males but I can honestly say I do get a thrill out of touching a partner. The wierd thing is, and I cannot remember if this is the case with other partners or not, but particularly on the hips, I love kissing her there - she usually says that tickles and pushes me away. Something primiative, basic, essential - I dunno how you want to descibe it is drawn there - to want to kiss, breathe in the scent of the skin. In terms of generally touching and stroking - well seems like lots of us have pets cats and dogs - don't you feel drawn to stroke them? It's a tactile thing, pleasure from touch ideally works both ways.

I also mentioned in another post Orgasmic Meditation (OM) in which guys do and can feel a kind of warmth when performing a 'selfless' act on their partners. It's mostly about rubbing the clit, but works for men too (same dynamic, different sensor). Although I am not an expert on this, not for want to try and learn, I can confirm there is something magic about doing it for someone. If you are in a mixed relationship with a sexual and not able to accept touch - then the sexual person in most cases is suffering. Their 'diet' is being limited to cheese sandwhiches when they want a big fry up or a roast dinner.

Does touch matter to a sexual? Does it help them to connect with you? Do they enjoy or love it? Does it make them feel complete? Anyone that has to ask those questions clearly cannot even begin to contemplate a sexual outlook. That's not a criticism of any indivual, any more than me asking someone out who doesn't like guys - but it is worth realising when beginning our encounters, as I am sure you know. I'm not going to profess what it is like to be asexual - but it is obvious everything must be different. I'm not a Freudian, but I do believe a lot of our life force and drive comes from sexual identity. In my case I wake up because I'm horny, I go to sleep horny, I spend regular parts of the day feeling horny and my man bits respond accordingly. Or rather my man bits have a direct feed to the brain that can temporarily bypass conscious thought - if even for a blip. Asexuals have got it easy in a way, because it would be like being addicted to something your body needs, mind craves and managing the desire whilst trying to do other things in life, feed the beast through relationships / one night stands / masturbation. All I can say is if you want to know what a sexual person experiences - try taking up heroin for a few weeks then go cold turkey.

This is why I propose asexuals are like ghosts and sexuals are like zombies (to varying degrees and only as a bit of fun).

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Hi guys! Ok. I'm not a dude but I do love the ladies, so let's have at it:

1. I get tremendous sexual enjoyment out of touching breasts. There are a few things that I really really like, and that's one of them. My partner and I have a deal, of sorts, that I get to touch them after providing her other, nonsexual services.

2. How much time? I dunno, I usually stop when I get an eye roll :D but I could touch them for days straight.

3. The wandering hand. So, this was one of the hardest things for my partner and I to deal with. When one's been sexually active for many years, one develops habits. It's hard enough when you first start your journey to keep your hands to yourself, but if you've been having sex for 20 years and every time you do, your hand moves to the titty, then that's what it's going to do. You just go onto autopilot, sorta. It took me 3 years (THREE YEARS) to finally train my hand to stop moving independently.

4. Whoever said the underside of a boob is soft... yesssssssssss.... I love me some underboob ;)

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Lord Jade Cross

I thoughtthe same at first with the title.

I have to also agree that even for sexuals, I dont think that absolutely everyone (there may be some who experience it of course) goes through that level of intense sexual frustration if we can call it that way, that requires such an attention that it would interfiere with day to day activities.

At least from what Ive been able to pick up from people from time to time, they usually grew frustrated when maybe months went by but i never heard anyone say that they needed it on a daily basis.

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myoddsmoremauve

In my case I wake up because I'm horny, I go to sleep horny, I spend regular parts of the day feeling horny and my man bits respond accordingly.

Asexuals have got it easy in a way, because it would be like being addicted to something your body needs, mind craves and managing the desire whilst trying to do other things in life, feed the beast through relationships / one night stands / masturbation. All I can say is if you want to know what a sexual person experiences - try taking up heroin for a few weeks then go cold turkey

Kind of an aside from the main topic here, and I'm certainly not the best person to be making proclamations on behalf of sexual individuals, but isn't what you're describing more the experience of someone with a really high libido? I have a really difficult time believing all non-asexual people are quite that... sex-crazed. The heroin analogy makes it sound like you're talking about a sex addict. I understand, from my own experience, what addiction is like... and something tells me that most sexual people don't experience that level of totally dysfunctional, life-altering, unhealthy "need" for sex. I don't think those with a normal relationship to sex spend a considerable portion of every day fighting to distract themselves from the subject just so they can perform regular daily tasks.

Also, unrelatedly, I'm so so glad this topic wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Where I'm from, "where the sun don't shine" is a particular part of the anatomy also known as a butthole.

I thoughtthe same at first with the title.

I have to also agree that even for sexuals, I dont think that absolutely everyone (there may be some who experience it of course) goes through that level of intense sexual frustration if we can call it that way, that requires such an attention that it would interfiere with day to day activities.

At least from what Ive been able to pick up from people from time to time, they usually grew frustrated when maybe months went by but i never heard anyone say that they needed it on a daily basis.

Spoken like true Asexuals.

The fact that you referred to people as 'non-asexuals' is telling, whereas I accept and respect asexuality - sexuality is the 'norm' - it has to be - otherwise there would be no people (perhaps that wouldn't be so bad given global warming and war etc), certainly a lot less. I am highly sexed - this is actually true, but I certainly don't feel in a minority. Is the promotion of sex and sexuality over the top - well yes I can imagine it would be for an asexual and it certainly dampens my focus seeing so much sexual material everywhere. This isn't a fault of people who enjoy or respond to sex though - but a problem created by advertising, money and corporations. Sex (and comedy) sells - because people are into it. Tell a well known soft drinks company off, or Game of Thrones or something - before me - for my sexually inflicted short term concentration. But also tell all the sexy people who go out in the sun, show off their legs, their bums, their tums their muscles, for looking cute / handsome - tell them off for being sexy and making me think about sex. You can't - they want to feel sexy (in most cases) and are in their own way 'selling' their own sexual identity.

I often have gone for weeks - I think the longest period was three months without sex in a relationship.I know to some that doesn't sound like much, but, you know when Homer Simpson runs up the walls along the ceiling and back down again - - well yeah - by that point that's what I was doing. Think of sexuality as like a background program working in Windows, you're not always aware of it, but there's always something happening and it's ready to respond at a moments notice, you also don't know what it's doing all the time and so you find strange errors pop up from time to time in general function (an erection while washing up just because this remind you off this and that and you're mind wandered and - hey ho - hello what this about then...) That's just normal for me and yet I know people who's drives are even worse - trust me.

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Lord Jade Cross

Same here. Im not sure if you prefer a term other than sexual but i simply use it to refer to people who do experience the sexual attraction. And like i mentioned in my previous post, there may indeed be people who experience a strong need for sex, I mean i knew a girl who had a fetish for certain areas and simply could not contain herself at the sight, outside that getting her in the mood was a 1/90 chances as she herself voiced it; but in the same matter, i have seen/heard people who cannot get arousded so easily and also who go by months without a single night of sex.

So just as there are variations in asexuality, there are variations in sexuality in terms of required amount and time between times. Not all people who experience sex will want it 24/7/365 and certainly not become moody and such if they go even 1 second without it.

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Autumn Season

Forgive my ignorance on the matter but would someone explain to me the fascination with breasts? I mean, I guess its common to look and all, especially if you have women around who have large breasts and don't put on an appropriate bra size making their breasts hang out a bit (not sure if that's a fad or just not taking the time to wear a correctly sized bra for them) or if they wear a bit too low cut shirt for their sizes and whatnot.

Still I don't get the wanting to touch/grab/fondle/etc. Mind imputing a bit of insight?

That a woman wears a bra with a smaller size than the one she needs, is not very likely. Why? Because it hurts. The bras which make the boobs hang out, are usually cut (very) low. Just like a T-Shirt, bras can also be low or high cut.

Forgive my ignorance on the matter but would someone explain to me the fascination with breasts? I mean, I guess its common to look and all, especially if you have women around who have large breasts and don't put on an appropriate bra size making their breasts hang out a bit (not sure if that's a fad or just not taking the time to wear a correctly sized bra for them) or if they wear a bit too low cut shirt for their sizes and whatnot.

Still I don't get the wanting to touch/grab/fondle/etc. Mind imputing a bit of insight?

I wish I could answer that, but I only experience aesthetic attraction to women. All I can say from that reference point is that they are one of the feature that makes women beautiful to me.

Echoed 100%. And they don't have to be large breasts with a small bra at all, at least for me. I think it's classical female beauty is all. It's odd now that you mention it. I wonder why I like them as well. I wonder if women who have aesthetic attraction to men have a reason for liking a bicep, or a six-pack, or a tight ass? :)

From a purely aesthetic point of view, I don't appreciate muscles very much. Though they can look nice, just like any curve on a human body or even on an object.

But from a sensual point of view, they feel nice. Even if they don't, I still imagine that they probably feel nice. Just like animals, whose fur looks fluffy: It can actually feel spikey, but I still want to touch them because of the way their fur looks.

Breasts from an aesthetic point of view: As a woman who likes to look at boobs, I still never want to touch them. Also, I'm totally fine not seeing them. (Sometimes, when the web is flooded with fantasy girls with bare boobies, I even get sick of having to look at them.)

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Lord Jade Cross

I have no sensual experience but from an aesthetic point of view, I sometimes like to lookbat muscles. Though i would never want to touch them. The idea off touching people, even on a superficial livel tends to make me feel like .

As for breasts, I guess that looking is as far as I would go as well and provided they are covered. I dont think i would enjoy touching. At best the accidental brushes from women walking too close or just plain getting almost in your face while walking (personal space anyone?) is the closest ive gotten to "touching" and still i dont see the fascination with them

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whocaresthough

I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay? Why is that a thing normal people have a desire for? Why have people evolved to the conclusion that it is a turn-on to touch someone's sexual places? I just don't get it at all.

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I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay?

Because we're in a sexual relationship and in a sexual context and therefore strive for sexual things. If you find it disgusting, don't participate.

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I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay? Why is that a thing normal people have a desire for? Why have people evolved to the conclusion that it is a turn-on to touch someone's sexual places? I just don't get it at all.

Because people like it. People have liked it for probably centuries. Actually, probably since humans began, as sex was needed to continue the species.

It's fine if YOU don't like it and you should tell people to not do it to you. And they should listen and respect that. But, other people aren't disgusted by it.

Hi guys! Ok. I'm not a dude but I do love the ladies, so let's have at it:

1. I get tremendous sexual enjoyment out of touching breasts. There are a few things that I really really like, and that's one of them. My partner and I have a deal, of sorts, that I get to touch them after providing her other, nonsexual services.

2. How much time? I dunno, I usually stop when I get an eye roll :D but I could touch them for days straight.

3. The wandering hand. So, this was one of the hardest things for my partner and I to deal with. When one's been sexually active for many years, one develops habits. It's hard enough when you first start your journey to keep your hands to yourself, but if you've been having sex for 20 years and every time you do, your hand moves to the titty, then that's what it's going to do. You just go onto autopilot, sorta. It took me 3 years (THREE YEARS) to finally train my hand to stop moving independently.

4. Whoever said the underside of a boob is soft... yesssssssssss.... I love me some underboob ;)

*sigh* We struggle with this too. Yesterday, my partner came home and we were on an agreed two days no sex. I was wearing a tank top that showed a little cleavage... and I just got so annoyed at his obsession with my boobs I put a shirt on over it. Then he got offended I put a shirt on, cause I should be comfortable... well, maybe if you didn't insist on groping me and talking about sex non-stop on non-sex days I might be comfortable wearing a tank top around you. Duh.

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whocaresthough

I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay?

Because we're in a sexual relationship and in a sexual context and therefore strive for sexual things. If you find it disgusting, don't participate.

No, right, I totally understand. I understand that it's okay to do it, but it's just so hard to wrap my mind around the thought process! Why the hell to people feel the need to do that stuff? I just don't understand.

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whocaresthough

I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay? Why is that a thing normal people have a desire for? Why have people evolved to the conclusion that it is a turn-on to touch someone's sexual places? I just don't get it at all.

Because people like it. People have liked it for probably centuries. Actually, probably since humans began, as sex was needed to continue the species.

It's fine if YOU don't like it and you should tell people to not do it to you. And they should listen and respect that. But, other people aren't disgusted by it.

No, no. You aren't understanding. What I mean is: Why do people like it? I can't understand the concept of wanting to do that.

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No, no. You aren't understanding. What I mean is: Why do people like it? I can't understand the concept of wanting to do that.

I have no idea. But, then, I can't wrap my mind around why people enjoy roller coasters or bungee jumping either. :)

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I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay?

Because we're in a sexual relationship and in a sexual context and therefore strive for sexual things. If you find it disgusting, don't participate.

No, right, I totally understand. I understand that it's okay to do it, but it's just so hard to wrap my mind around the thought process! Why the hell to people feel the need to do that stuff? I just don't understand.

Because it feels awesome. :D

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I don't know, but I find it personally disgusting. Why should that be okay? Why is that a thing normal people have a desire for? Why have people evolved to the conclusion that it is a turn-on to touch someone's sexual places? I just don't get it at all.

Because people like it. People have liked it for probably centuries. Actually, probably since humans began, as sex was needed to continue the species.

It's fine if YOU don't like it and you should tell people to not do it to you. And they should listen and respect that. But, other people aren't disgusted by it.

Hi guys! Ok. I'm not a dude but I do love the ladies, so let's have at it:

1. I get tremendous sexual enjoyment out of touching breasts. There are a few things that I really really like, and that's one of them. My partner and I have a deal, of sorts, that I get to touch them after providing her other, nonsexual services.

2. How much time? I dunno, I usually stop when I get an eye roll :D but I could touch them for days straight.

3. The wandering hand. So, this was one of the hardest things for my partner and I to deal with. When one's been sexually active for many years, one develops habits. It's hard enough when you first start your journey to keep your hands to yourself, but if you've been having sex for 20 years and every time you do, your hand moves to the titty, then that's what it's going to do. You just go onto autopilot, sorta. It took me 3 years (THREE YEARS) to finally train my hand to stop moving independently.

4. Whoever said the underside of a boob is soft... yesssssssssss.... I love me some underboob ;)

*sigh* We struggle with this too. Yesterday, my partner came home and we were on an agreed two days no sex. I was wearing a tank top that showed a little cleavage... and I just got so annoyed at his obsession with my boobs I put a shirt on over it. Then he got offended I put a shirt on, cause I should be comfortable... well, maybe if you didn't insist on groping me and talking about sex non-stop on non-sex days I might be comfortable wearing a tank top around you. Duh.

Yeahhhhhh. I've found that even my non-sexual behavior is often kinda sexual... I mean, i personally don't think it is because in my mind I'm being playful and silly, but playful and silly or not, it still feels like pressure (I don't know if pressure is the exact right word, but...).

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Yeahhhhhh. I've found that even my non-sexual behavior is often kinda sexual... I mean, i personally don't think it is because in my mind I'm being playful and silly, but playful and silly or not, it still feels like pressure (I don't know if pressure is the exact right word, but...).

Yeah... it doesn't help with him that "non-sexual boob touching" as he calls it nearly always leads him to initiating sex either. :P Last night he did too, even after I covered up and stuff. It's like, argh. Can never get a break from sex unless I just AVOID him completely and don't allow him within even arms reach. "This is my bubble. You cannot enter my bubble, or you ask for sex. So, stay outside the bubble."

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Yeah... it doesn't help with him that "non-sexual boob touching" as he calls it nearly always leads him to initiating sex either. :P

That's hilariously poor self control! If I was a guy I'd probably be like that too, but I've had politeness rammed into me since birth, what with my girlness and all.

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Yeah... it doesn't help with him that "non-sexual boob touching" as he calls it nearly always leads him to initiating sex either. :P

That's hilariously poor self control! If I was a guy I'd probably be like that too, but I've had politeness rammed into me since birth, what with my girlness and all.

Mmm. He has zero self control. I sit against his legs to watch a TV show with him, he goes for sex. I kiss him more than just a peck, he goes for sex. I wear a tank top, or a skirt, he goes for sex. Even if we've had sex that day. Even if we've had sex twice that day. :huh: Most ever was 7 times in one day, when I decided to see how much he'd have sex in a single day.

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Most ever was 7 times in one day, when I decided to see how much he'd have sex in a single day.

*feels sad no one has ever played this game with me* :LOL:

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Tarfeather

Yeah... it doesn't help with him that "non-sexual boob touching" as he calls it nearly always leads him to initiating sex either. :P

That's hilariously poor self control! If I was a guy I'd probably be like that too, but I've had politeness rammed into me since birth, what with my girlness and all.

I think it's.. hormonal? Something? Like, I think most guys genuinely experience something different than most girls in this situation.

TMI

Basically, in the past there were these situations when I was at my apartment with my girlfriend, and the theoretical possibility for sex was there (as in, there weren't other people around), and she'd arouse me on some way.. Like bodily contact or seeing some of her naked skin or anything.. My penis would go fully erect and I literally can not think of anything else than our bodies in that moment. Not like "Strong desire to do things that are hard to ignore", but literally "Brain just stopped working, kernel panic, shut down immediately". Which is what I then did in that situation, just sit/stand there and freeze everything until the arousal goes down.

Anyway, I used to act on that frequently in our first half a year together.. Like trying to touch her and all that. But as time went on, I got to know those desires better and it got easier telling apart my conscious wishes and my bodily desires. At some point I started meditating whenever those desires kicked in. And by now it has a very weak grasp on me, which makes it possible for me to consciously desire bodily contact as a way to connect. For instance, these days when we do sensual things, my libido will actually go down as I "get in the mood", not up. It took a lot of time and effort on my part, but my "progress" here is basically why I have a huge amount of confidence in the ability of a human to change something about the way they experience sexuality.

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TMI

Basically, in the past there were these situations when I was at my apartment with my girlfriend, and the theoretical possibility for sex was there (as in, there weren't other people around), and she'd arouse me on some way.. Like bodily contact or seeing some of her naked skin or anything.. My penis would go fully erect and I literally can not think of anything else than our bodies in that moment. Not like "Strong desire to do things that are hard to ignore", but literally "Brain just stopped working, kernel panic, shut down immediately". Which is what I then did in that situation, just sit/stand there and freeze everything until the arousal goes down.

Wait this happens to you too??? I completely totally thought it was just me. I basically shut down completely... can't talk, can't move, can't do anything... i've got it down to a couple seconds before I'm able to snap back though. Like, at this point it's almost just a flash. But yeah... totally thought that was a Skullery thing, not a person thing.

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I have communicated that it turns me off, along with very specific requests as to what turns me on, however their boob/butt-magnet hands still persist. (they seem to be more understanding of laying off the V'Jayjay at least!)

Possible TMI sex talk

I was never able to convince guys to leave the vaj alone. I don't mind boob or butt touching (I think boobs and butts are hot, so I understand why people would want to touch them in intimate situations, and actually enjoy the sensations of having them touched IF that's by someone I love and trust etc) but the vaj touching hurts a lot for me, and I just get literally no enjoyment or pleasure out of the sensations of having it touched, even if I'm aroused. But they just wont stop touching it and trying to do things to it and seems like they think they have a god-given right to touch it or something (the guys I have been with anyway)

Average example, repeated many, many times throughout my 'forcing-myself-to-be-a-normal-person-by-having-sex' life with slightly different wording each time:

Guy: Just tell me what you like, I'll do anything

Me: I really like foot massages

Guy: No, to get you off I mean

Me: I enjoy the sensations of a foot massage more than any sexual sensations, honestly, having my feet touched is like the best thing ever.

Guy: Just tell me what I can do to make you cum though, I'll do anything

Me: um you can't make me cum sorry, I don't enjoy sexual stimulation

Guy: you just haven't been with me yet, let me try, I promise, you'll love it

Me: I really do love foot massages, if you want to please me, that's the best way...

Guy starts getting angry, pressures me into letting him do things to me that I hate, guy gets mad that I don't enjoy the things he does to me that I already specified I hate, calls me a slut and/or a cock-tease. Story of my life (in my late teens when I became sexually active, anyway) and it was like that with my ex as well, for 5 solid years. All the time.

I eventually gave up completely on relationships and sex (I believed they exclusively went hand-in-hand), vowed to remain single for the rest of my life and avoid any interactions with men because even when not in a relationship, sex is still a normal way for many people to interact when alone (that's how it seems to me anyway, and I don't mean that in a bad way, I have nothing against it, it's just that it doesn't work for me because I don't enjoy or want sex. No woman has ever pressured me into sex so have no issue with being alone with women) then eventually in my mid-20s I learned about asexuality from a documentary on TV and wow, it was like my entire life made sense, for the first time ever.

Sorry that was a little off topic, but just wanted to say that as I was surprised that you were able to get them to understand about the no-touchy-vaj thing.

EDIT and just to be clear, the reason I persisted with the sex thing for so long was because I figured it was what I was meant to do. Everyone else was doing it, and wanted it, and kept telling me that if I just kept doing it, I would eventually really love it (and that it was wrong and concerning that I didn't enjoy and want it). I wanted to love it, as I am a very sensual sex-positive person with a high libido, so I wanted to want sex and figured if the way to do that was by persistently having it as everyone (including my doctor) kept telling me, I would eventually be 'happy' and able to function like any other regular sexual person and have an emotionally satisfying and sexually fulfilling romantic relationship.

I know now (better late than never) that the only way I personally can be truly, deeply sexually 'fulfilled' in a relationship is by having a relationship with literally no need or expectation of sex, by either myself or my partner, ever. That is how I can be truly 'sexually fulfilled'. Emotional intimacy and non-sexual physical affection is literally everything I will truly, deeply need/want from the person I love.

EDIT2 :o was just having a convo on Skype about Game of Thrones and TV shows in general, and managed to somehow copy/paste this comment into my Skype typing box by accident and send it along with my reply about how I sometimes get confused by Hannibal.... Didn't realize what had happened until after the other person had read it and got all weirded out and confused.. awkward lol.

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Lost247365

Spoken like true Asexuals.

The fact that you referred to people as 'non-asexuals' is telling, whereas I accept and respect asexuality - sexuality is the 'norm' - it has to be - otherwise there would be no people (perhaps that wouldn't be so bad given global warming and war etc), certainly a lot less.

/cue fake outrage

Sexuality is the norm? Are you saying we are abnormal? That we are not up to standard? That we are mentally or physically defective?

/end fake outrage

:P

We both know that there was no insult meant by using the term non-asexual anymore than you meant an insult when you used the term "norm" to describe your own group or if an sexual called us non-sexuals. Lets try not to read things into each others posts that are not there.

As an aside, there is a reason that many asexuals refer to our opposites as allosexuals* or non-asexuals as opposed to simply sexuals. It is the same reason that transgender people call non-trangender people cis-gender, it is to combat the idea that "sexuals" are the "normal" and vis-a-vis that we are abnormal or defective/broken. Something many of us feel very strongly about. We are "normal" variations in the human sexual phenotype.

*Since allo- has a rather negative connotation especially when referring to types of physicians, I personally would prefer the term syn-, sy-, or sys- sexuals to describe people who are not asexual. But no-one bothered asking me before coming up with that term... :unsure:

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Lost247365

No, no. You aren't understanding. What I mean is: Why do people like it? I can't understand the concept of wanting to do that.

Probably because animals, like human beings, tend to have an attraction to round shapes. Similarly, we are also attracted to shiny things and symmetry.

This attraction probably gave females with larger and rounders mammary glands an evolutionary advantage at attracting mates over those who didn't. Further since human beings have noses that extend past the end of our mouths it makes it difficult for newborns to feed off of teats laying on a flat surface. Having rounded extended breasts made it easier for our ancestors to feed their young and made it more likely for their children to survive and have their own children.

I would think this creates two evolutionary pressures that positively select for these two traits. Breast attract more mates making the females more likely to pass on their genes and humans with the trait for liking breasts would be more likely to have children that survive. Thus these genes live on and got exaggerated through natural selection. This exaggeration probably made the attraction stronger and stronger till people wanted to not merely watch but probably also to touch.

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I have communicated that it turns me off, along with very specific requests as to what turns me on, however their boob/butt-magnet hands still persist. (they seem to be more understanding of laying off the V'Jayjay at least!)

Guy starts getting angry, pressures me into letting him do things to me that I hate, guy gets mad that I don't enjoy the things he does to me that I already specified I hate, calls me a slut and/or a cock-tease.

Wait, how does not liking stuff about sex make you a slut? I mean, it's way further down the Nun side of things on the scale...

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Tarfeather

I have communicated that it turns me off, along with very specific requests as to what turns me on, however their boob/butt-magnet hands still persist. (they seem to be more understanding of laying off the V'Jayjay at least!)

Guy starts getting angry, pressures me into letting him do things to me that I hate, guy gets mad that I don't enjoy the things he does to me that I already specified I hate, calls me a slut and/or a cock-tease.

Wait, how does not liking stuff about sex make you a slut? I mean, it's way further down the Nun side of things on the scale...

Double bind. Manipulation through shaming. If you have sex you're a slut, if you don't have sex you're also a slut. Better do as they say so you don't get called out on it.

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  • 2 months later...

>So yes your going to have let them know that even when your pleasuring them you don't want to be touched in X, Y, and Z areas. That sexually you get no pleasure >and/or don't want them to touch you. This may be a complete turn off for them because like I said before part of sexuality is how you feel are you being perceived and >valued by your partner sexually. Often times if someone doesn't want anything from that person they feel sexually worthless and that can hurt someone's feeling or ability >to enjoy sexual behaviors. For many people if your just doing it for them... then no it won't be enough.

This is precisely why, at the age of 44, I have been through three 7 year relationships all of which ended because they couldn't be with an ace. Not for a lack of trying- they were all good men but I am really now realizing that I can no longer be with a non-ace if I want a relationship to last. I think that the reason I even dated non-aces in the past was becasue I didn't realize there were other aces out there. Now that I know there are, it will just be a matter of me and him finding one another. I have a VERY strong romance drive so I totally understand when you talked about feeling rejected if your partner doesn't want you and I indeed have extrapolated that idea to 'what if they were grossed out by kissing which I totally love to do?' That has given me empathy for them at least.

1. Yes. Guys are turned on by touching sexual parts (and erogenous zones in general. Breasts/butt aren't strictly sexual.). Just like looking at girls can turn men on... touching a girl is even better for them. Touching isn't required of course, and where a guy best likes to touch could vary between guys. But in general, assume that guys enjoy touching you.

2. You say that other touches romantically/sensually please you, but the problem may be that these guys are trying to sexually please you. For example, if you say a back rub feels good to you, a nice guy will happily give you a back rub. However, they won't think of it as a substitute for sexual activities because for them, the two activities are completely separate.

Perhaps try communicating that you don't want to be sexually pleased at all (if that's true), and be clear that the attempts don't make you happy. Most guys can easily understand that certain areas make you uncomfortable, but they need to know that they shouldn't try anything sexual and it has the opposite effect (it doesn't please you, it's unenjoyable).

3. Also keep in mind that some guys if they just receive pleasure but don't give any, that can make them feel like they are being selfish or even that they failed you. Again... I recommend making it clear that you that only does this not bother you, but this makes you happy when it's that way. Don't expect guys to understand this right away... you are going to have to be extra clear.

4. Some guys may not understand at all and/or not want a relationship that feels one-sided to them.

1. yeah I know.. it's frustrating.

2. I don't think of back rubs as a substitute for sexual activities either, and yes I agree that the two activities are completely separate- one is gross and one is wonderful!

3. I have indeed explained that touching me or feeling me basically anywhere that is covered by a two piece bathing suit is irrelevant and annoying, as it only interferes with my romantic excitement for them. I am no longer going to try getting into a relationship with a non-ace becasue I really don't want to hurt them or be hurt myself again, at least for that same old reason. I have also come to realize that many people are not comfortable receiving sexual pleasure without giving it in return. It hasn't mattered how many times I've told them that tickling my arm whilst looking at me dreamily (or whatever) pleases me at least as much as they feel when they, say, get a handjob or whatever. For my part, I have come to realize that the handjob for them is as thrilling as the arm-tickle for me.

4. So yes, I have resigned to the fact that I will not date again unless it's with another ace. This really scares me alot because I don't know how long it will take before I fall mutually in love with another ace, and for the majority of my life I have been in some kind of relationship or another. Hey, why is all this being highlighted? :-7

Basically, if I get to touch the sexual bits of a woman, I will have this psychological feeling of having been highly intimate with her, which will keep cheering me up for quite a while, and goes far beyond "having been turned on".

Anyway, if his hands still wander even after your saying that you don't want that, that's a bad sign. Maybe he genuinely doesn't believe you that you don't like that stuff or something.

Hey Tarfeather I really appreciate the insight you gave me on people's reasons for enjoying touching their partners sexual bits. And you're right, I would never date a man who didn't listen if I requested he not "touch me there". And, yes, based on my experience, the men I have gotten involved with ultimately could not believe I didn't like that stuff. The pattern was always the same... in the beginning of our relationship, we'd be head-over-heels infatuated with one another, and this euphoria likely brainwashed me into thinking I could tolerate a sexual relationship, meanwhile the guy was brainwashed by his limerence with me to believe he could tolerate being with an ace. Once the mutual infatuation wears off the guy loses his interest in being cuddly with me (despite me continuing to be cuddly and touchy feely with them) and I have come to understand that the reason they lose interest is because of the infrequency of sexual activity. Despite all the promises and beliefs they may have had about being able to spend their life with an ace, they still perceive my lack of sexual desire as a personal rejection to them, which results in them no longer being touchyfeely with me, which then in turn leads to me feeling rejected. Before I realized others were NOT ace, I couldn't sustain a relationship for longer than two months but as soon as I realized my asexuality was the exception, not the norm, my communication improved immensely (I am a psychotherapist so I hope I can communicate at least somewhat!) so I was able to sustain relationships for 6-7 years apiece. I am pretty certain I am a "good catch" and it's just my asexuality that has kept me from having found my life partner thus far. I've also been practising the idea of inner peace without a partner in case I never do meet him during my life. It is my strong *Strong* romance drive that has made the idea of being without a boyfriend/husband seem so uncomfortable. ... but I feel things happen for a reason.. like according to the buddhist philosophy I may have been a sex offender in a past life who got away with his misdeeds so in this life I am being given ample opportunity to work on my feelings of aloneness and abandonment which that past life jerk didn't get. :-)

I mean, I'm very much a boob person, and my girlfriend is really sensitive and usually won't let me touch them, and I know that, and I know that she gets no satisfaction from it. The reverse is true actually, it costs her a lot of energy being touched there. Yet despite knowing all that I still find my hands wandering if I don't pay enough attention, and I still really like to fondle them etc. I don't know exactly why, but it's just really enjoyable.

I hope this helps a bit.

It's good that you realize that and that she is a good communicator. I must say that my three longterm ex's would have said the same thing that you did so I really hope for you guys' sake that your relationship works out. If she is as ace as I am, you may find yourself feeling rejected someday due to her lack of interest in having her sexual parts touched. I totally get it, it cost me a lot of energy too when my ex's would fondle me there. I only allowed men who I truly loved to do that kind of stuff because I was making a compromise in the service of their pleasure (as they would do for me too).

From my experience, what the guy wants to experience is the woman's obviously liking the hand business. The hand doesn't move until he experiences that. Ick.

LOL!!!!!!!

I'm a heterosexual cis-man married to an asexual cis-woman who most of the time

wants her private parts to be left alone. I can share my experience of the

other side of a situation very similar to yours. YMMV.

TMI warnings: might get into some details of what sexual interaction includes.

First, let me get your 2 direct questions out of the way: Yes, touching my

wife's vulva is fun, and yes, respecting her boundaries about not being touched

there is not a showstopper for me. I am ashamed to admit that it was not always

the case and that it took me much time to understand and accept her point of

view. As for the second part of the second question, when she "helps me achieve

a climax" it sure "is enough for me", and it's something that I very deeply

appreciate. In fact it is our preferred form of sexual interaction.

One thing that each asexual-allosexual couple needs is great communication. You

can't rely on the biological and cultural default scenarios. The default

doesn't work well for you. You already know that. You need to negotiate a new

scenario that works for your specific situation. The solution that you want to

arrive at is probably somewhat counterintuitive, so you do face an extra

difficulty in communication about that. The scenario that you arrive at doesn't

have to be symmetrical, in fact it probably will not be. There is no law that

says that if one partner takes the clothes off the other has to take the

clothes off too, that fellatio needs to be reciprocated with cunnilingus, that

both partners need to experience an orgasm etc. etc.

Some hints about how to navigate that based on my experience: talk before

anything sexual happens, while you are both fully dressed and composed, to lay

out what would happen and what would not happenand what might happen if it

seems like a good idea underway. Make it a dialog rather than a stern lecture

what must not be done to your body. Your partner is more likely to treat this

conversation seriously if he knows that his wants related to his body matter

tooand they are likely to include stimulation of his penis up to the point of

an orgasm as one of the most important points. Keep communicating during the

sexual act too. Combining verbal and non-verbal communication works better than

just non-verbal cues like moving the hand away: "I don't want to be touched

there" + move the hand away. Better still, you and your partner can make it a

habit to ask before doing anything: "Can I touch/kiss/stroke your earlobe/left

nipple/nose now?" and "Can you touch/kiss/stroke my earlobe/left nipple/nose

now?" In the absence of telepathy that really makes everything a lot easier.

I hope that you and your partner together will figure out how to have sex life

that works the best for both of you. :)

Hey... if you're ever single let me know. ;-). Seriously though, I am happy to hear it's working out with you and your wife. It gives me some hope. Thank you for your input.

Exactly. Touching your breasts is as much *for* him as he might imagine it's *for* you. Going to other zones would be as much *for* him as he would imagine it is *for* you.

If you say NO, those areas are off limits, but you still get the impression (or stronger) that he would still like to pay attention to those areas, that's about *him* and *not* about *you*, which is OK if you allow it, not OK if you don't. But let's be clear in any negotiation - let's be clear who it's for. :)

Interestingly I think this may be partly why it took me so long to realize that not everyone is ace. Just like the man assumes the woman will be turned on by a boobfondle, I always assumed the men in my life would be grossed out by my touching their wenii! I started dating at the age of 13 (I'm 44 now) so when I was much younger I was convinced that the only reason the boys were wanting me to touch their wangs was because they wanted to be cool, "everybody was doin' it". really. Lol!

Forgive my ignorance on the matter but would someone explain to me the fascination with breasts? I mean, I guess its common to look and all, especially if you have women around who have large breasts and don't put on an appropriate bra size making their breasts hang out a bit (not sure if that's a fad or just not taking the time to wear a correctly sized bra for them) or if they wear a bit too low cut shirt for their sizes and whatnot.

Still I don't get the wanting to touch/grab/fondle/etc. Mind imputing a bit of insight?

..and you're a guy? wanna go on a date? ;-)

Hi guys! Ok. I'm not a dude but I do love the ladies, so let's have at it:

1. I get tremendous sexual enjoyment out of touching breasts. There are a few things that I really really like, and that's one of them. My partner and I have a deal, of sorts, that I get to touch them after providing her other, nonsexual services.

Yep, I had an agreement like that with my most recent two ex's. Maybe because they were dudes or something, it still was not enough to sustain those relationships longer than 6-7 years each. I wish the two of you the best of luck and I"m happy for you guys.
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It's the huge emphasis on a woman's chests that has always made me self-conscious. :P Especially when TV bombards us with "perfect" ones.

But back on topic, I always guessed that those two regions also meant a sign of trust and all since it's not like we let anyone touch us there. :P Versus a back massage for example.

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