Should I hold out hope that my sex-repulsed girlfriend might ever have sex with me?

[zandm7]

I'm 19 and my girlfriend is 20, just in case it matters.

Anyways, I recently confirmed that my girlfriend of two months is asexual. I'm a virgin and so is she. I've asked her extensively about her asexuality (out of curiosity and also feeling that I need to know for the sake of our relationship) and how she feels about sex, as I understand there is a very wide spectrum of asexuality. I think she would describe herself as "sex-repulsed" (as seems to be the popular term around here), as she told me she feels sort of grossed out and violated at the idea of herself having sex. She's fine with and enjoys other forms of physical intimacy, like cuddling, hugging, spooning, kissing, etc. but just finds sexual acts themselves highly undesirable. I've also masturbated in front of her (her eyes were averted during though as she didn't really want to watch) which was fine for her. As I understand it, a lot of asexual-sexual couples stay together by compromising on sex, so I discussed our options with my girlfriend. She tells me that at the moment she's not comfortable with even trying anything sexual with me, but that she would maybe be more open to the idea given more time (she gave me a timeframe of a year of dating as a minimum). Waiting a year is not really much of a problem to me as these types of sexual compromises usually take much longer than 2 months for the asexual partner to really be comfortable with, and I've been a virgin for 19 years so one more won't hurt lol. But I also find the prospect somewhat scary, because knowing how my girlfriend feels about sex I could end up waiting a year only to have her tell me that it's not happening or that she needs more time. I've asked my girlfriend if she thinks that she'll actually be comfortable with a sexual compromise after a year and (perhaps somewhat obviously) her answer was that she has no idea.

So I'm turning to you guys. Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Is it possible for a sex-repulsed partner to consent to having sex for the sake of their sexual partner? Has anyone who thought they were sex-repulsed changed their mind after actually having sex? Should I hold out hope that my girlfriend will have sex with me after a year (or ever)?

[Star Bit]

No, if she is truely sex-repulsed. The term sex-repulsed typically applies to it in general and not just toward themselves having sex. Repulsed means intense disgust and can sometimes result in feeling sick. However, if the more mild version; sex-averse (meaning sex avoidant; uncomfortable or disgusted but not intensely), is more accurate, then its more plausible that she could come to tolerate having sex. But there would still not be a return in emotions.

[SkyWorld]

I have not been in a similar situation and I'm still quite sex-repulsed. I think it's possible, yes, for a sex-repulsed partner to consent. I feel like there's some kind of scale when it comes to sex-repulsion. She could be highly repulsed or somewhat repulsed. Err--either way, I don't want to speak for her.

I think of it this way... don't get your hopes too high, you may only end up disappointed. Yet, there's really no need to just lose all hope, that's just negative thinking. Just a nice balance that if it turns out that she's okay with it, it would be a pleasant surprise. If she's not, it would be no more than a shrug. Just be prepared for either situation.

[Star Bit]

There isn't really a scale on sex-repulsion as the word literally means intense disgust, but there could be the use of more accurate words such as sex-averse. And further lessened as sex-disgusted. The only scale on sex-repulsion would be on having or not having a physical responce to it; like feeling sick to your stomach.

If they're using the right word, yes, it is possible for a sex-repulsed person to have sex for the sake of their partner, but that repulsion would not go away. Repulsion can be due to perspective or it can be involuntary. Though some could debate repulsed and averse are synonymous because their definitions differ by one being intense and the other strong; which are put as synonyms. However, i disagree because being spider-averse/avoidant is not the same as being phobic of spiders. Not that I'm saying sex-repulsion is a phobia, but I'm comparing them out of intensity.

[Light02]

If she feels close to you and really likes you a lot she might agree to having sex with you at some point. I'm very sex-repulsed myself but there is this one person who I've known for years and who I love to the bottom of my heart and after thinking about it I've realized they are the only person who I would compromise with. I would try not to think about the sex itself but rather the fact that I'm with this person and every second with them is like a dream come true to me and that way I would be able to get over myself.

[SkyWorld]

Well, yes, but there are some people who happen to be more sex-repulsed than others. Some people are so repulsed, they can't even talk about it or even dislike the idea of sex altogether. I'm sex-repulsed, but I don't mind talking about it, as long as it's not painfully detailed and whatnot and I could care less about what people do with their lives. I just don't like the idea of myself in that position. So, perhaps not a scale. Yes, there is that sickness feeling, but I feel like for some people that goes further and has a larger range (said conversations and the idea of sex altogether) than just to themselves only.

[ithaca]

There isn't really a scale on sex-repulsion as the word literally means intense disgust, but there could be the use of more accurate words such as sex-averse. The only scale on sex-repulsion would be on having or not having a physical responce to it; like feeling sick to your stomach.

I see where you're coming from, but I don't think the point of this thread is to discuss semantics, also considering that it's not the girlfriend who is self-identifying as "repulsed" or "averse". It's the partner here who thinks she is, based on their experience with her.

In practical terms, leaving aside labels and their meanings, people who feel aversion to sex can feel it in different degrees, and there are people who are averse or repulsed who decide to have sex for one reason or another, and people who decide to never have sex (or never again).

I used to be more repulsed than I am now. Details in the spoiler since I know some poeple may be bothered by sexual details:

My issue was/is mostly with fluids (and the fact that I was dating the wrong gender, but that's somehow irrelevant). I decided to have sex (with the right gender for me) both because I wanted to experiment and because I liked this girl and felt comfortable with doing it with her. It took time before my repulsion to fluids lessened, and I'm still not okay with doing certain things (like oral) because of it, but I've had overall nice sexual experiences.

This said, I think that the most important thing I wanted to tell you, OP, is that any answer you get here will be close to irrelevant to your situation. Let me explain why: if you want to know if, in general, some sex-repulsed people will compromise, the answer is yes, some will. If you're hoping this translates to your situation specifically, then no. Nothing anyone here says can automatically be valid for your girlfriend, as I'm sure you understand, because she's a unique individual like the rest of us, and her story might be completely different.

[.lannah.]

"she told me she feels sort of grossed out and violated at the idea of herself having sex"

She is sex repulsed, so why would you want to put her in that situation of having sex if it brings up those uncomfortable feelings? It's horrible to feel violated and disgusted like that. If you're just with her for the hope she'll have sex with you in a year, and/or if sex is such a major part of a relationship, then it seems like you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

[Rising Sun]

It sounds like your girlfriend is more than a little bit sex-repulsed, which means that anything sexual situation where she's directly involved is a deeply distressing situation for her. Would you still enjoy doing something that feels traumatizing for her ? I don't think so.

If she's actively refusing sex and is constantly delaying the moment where she would have it, it very probably means that as much as she's saying "one day, maybe", her mind is screaming "no !".

[Autumn Season]

If she's actively refusing sex and is constantly delaying the moment where she would have it, it very probably means that as much as she's saying "one day, maybe", her mind is screaming "no !".

From my own experience I can second this. I always said "maybe" when I meant "no" because I 1) didn't want to hurt the other party's feelings and 2) was afraid our relationship would turn sour because of it. Also, I was pushing myself and hoped I would end up liking X or Y when I should have just listened to my instincts. Nowadays I'm more comfortable with saying "no" and it feels way more honest.

And ithaca is right: What matters are your gf's feelings. Talking to her is the only way to get to know her boundaries.

[Kalidas]

It sounds like your girlfriend is more than a little bit sex-repulsed, which means that anything sexual situation where she's directly involved is a deeply distressing situation for her. Would you still enjoy doing something that feels traumatizing for her ? I don't think so.

If she's actively refusing sex and is constantly delaying the moment where she would have it, it very probably means that as much as she's saying "one day, maybe", her mind is screaming "no !".

I think a big problem is(and im not acussing the OP here). Is our society sees sex as the ultimate display of affection, and to an extent I can understand that. Sex is so romanticized that it kind of becomes hard wired in our head. Such idea as as "we become one" , "fireworks go off" etc etc etc are the things Im talking about. Yet (and this is why asexuality visability is important, not just for our sake but the sake of sexual people too) I feel we all put WAY too much emphasis on this incorrect equation SEX=LOVE. If you are not have sex you can't be in love. Well I call bullshit. Do I feel sex is the most intimate act of love? Actually I do. That doesnt mean love cant exist without it(because it can and does). And there is also a BIG difference between having sex and making love. But thats a whole other topic.

Now to be more specific to the OPs situation if you do feel this way that sex is very important in a relationship than you both may want to reevaluate the relationship.

[dash]

Disgust is not the only form of sex-aversion. There are people who don't find anything gross or disgusting about sex, but who cannot consent to it as a matter of their orientation. Framing this kiond of orientational aversion as a matter of disgust, while it may be true for some people, can also lead to misunderstandings, as disgust can be seen as something that can (or even should) be "overcome."

Now, you've said she's said that she would feel "grossed out and violated at the idea of having sex." That looks to me like it has two parts: one, that she's grossed out by the idea of having sex, and two, that having sex for her would inherently be a violation.

I'm a little bit creeped out at the idea of someone "holding out hope" that they could do something to their partner that that person has already said they not only consider gross, but a violation of them. In my experience around this site, asexual folks who have sex with their partners are usually (not always) indifferent to sex, not grossed out by it, and do not consider it a violation.

There are people who will tolerate grossness for other reasons. But "a violation"? Red flag. If someone is saying that, I would take it as a very clear "no," in the full "no means no" sense of no. No not as in "not now," but no as in no.

From what you've said here, I can't tell if she's saying "I don't know" about the future because she's still figuring out her orientation and boundaries, if she is insecure in the new relationship, or if she actually feels that there might be something that changes over time for her (that she may be some form of demisexual, perhaps). But given her phrasing of "I feel sex would be a violation," this doesn't look to me like something that will change about her, even if she wants it to change, even if she doesn't want to hurt others' feelings (and so she says it might change), and even if she forces herself to go through with it in the future.

As others have said, would you enjoy doing something that is non-consensual and traumatizing for her?

You probably couldn't consent to a partner cutting off one of your toes, even if society told you from the time you were small that that's how people showed their love for each other.

We're not talking fun-times sex here, we're talking she's told you that sex would be a violation.

My two cents, which you can take or discard as you see fit, is to ask yourself if this is someone you would be willing to have a long-term relationship with knowing up front that there would be no sex, ever. If yes, then stay. If no, then you should assume based on what she's said now that she's not going to change, and recognize that this isn't going to be a compatible relationship, and that staying together will only result in more pain and heartache the longer it goes on before the breakup.

No one should ever be pressured to have sex they don't want, whatever their orientation. "Will you do it with me in a year?" only pressures her to say yes in a year to said sex she doesn't want.

[Tarfeather]

So I'm turning to you guys. Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Is it possible for a sex-repulsed partner to consent to having sex for the sake of their sexual partner? Has anyone who thought they were sex-repulsed changed their mind after actually having sex? Should I hold out hope that my girlfriend will have sex with me after a year (or ever)?

You're asking the wrong questions, is all. Here's what you *should* be asking yourself and her: Is there any way you can make her feel good during sexual acts?

That's the thing I've been dealing with for a while now. It's slow and sparse and I think other people change partners more often than I get to do anything with my girlfriend. But that might be fine for you, if you've stopped seeing your own sexual satisfaction as something of importance (and I'm afraid that's unavoidable dating an asexual).

Start slow. Find her boundaries, through talking and through experimenting. Push those boundaries, ever so gently. If you're "lucky" (*1) like me, you may discover things that she enjoys. Otherwise, well, repulsion aside, there's not really much point to sexual acts if she doesn't enjoy them at all, is there?

Hope that helps, good luck.

*1) Calling anyone in our situation lucky is stretching it a little, but you know what I mean.

[Kalidas]

So I'm turning to you guys. Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Is it possible for a sex-repulsed partner to consent to having sex for the sake of their sexual partner? Has anyone who thought they were sex-repulsed changed their mind after actually having sex? Should I hold out hope that my girlfriend will have sex with me after a year (or ever)?

You're asking the wrong questions, is all. Here's what you *should* be asking yourself and her: Is there any way you can make her feel good during sexual acts?

That's the thing I've been dealing with for a while now. It's slow and sparse and I think other people change partners more often than I get to do anything with my girlfriend. But that might be fine for you, if you've stopped seeing your own sexual satisfaction as something of importance (and I'm afraid that's unavoidable dating an asexual).

Start slow. Find her boundaries, through talking and through experimenting. Push those boundaries, ever so gently. If you're "lucky" (*1) like me, you may discover things that she enjoys. Otherwise, well, repulsion aside, there's not really much point to sexual acts if she doesn't enjoy them at all, is there?

Hope that helps, good luck.

*1) Calling anyone in our situation lucky is stretching it a little, but you know what I mean.

THIS! This times a million billion quadrillion. Find what can make HER feel pleasurable.

possible TMI?

My wife and I discovered something recently that actually makes me look forward to sex as opposed to just simple masturbation (which has NEVER happened before). We were having sex and well I was losing arousal... it happens to me a lot. Can't mention the countless times I could not orgasm or my loss of arousal. So I tried something new. I closed my eyes and I started saying all the things I love about her outloud. Then she said what she loved about me outloud. It worked like a charm. Like some kind of odd romantic kink I have..

Not saying something like this can ALWAYS work but. I think getting to know her better (it's only been two months) may lead you both to discover new things about the both of you.

[butterflydreams]

In a word...it depends.

But I also find the prospect somewhat scary, because knowing how my girlfriend feels about sex I could end up waiting a year only to have her tell me that it's not happening or that she needs more time. I've asked my girlfriend if she thinks that she'll actually be comfortable with a sexual compromise after a year and (perhaps somewhat obviously) her answer was that she has no idea.

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me actually, so maybe I can offer up some of my thoughts. I've thought about this kind of thing a lot myself, and it's really tough. Ithaca hits it pretty close to how I feel. At this very moment? Yes, sex repulsed. Not by sex in general, I don't really care about that, but me doing it? Eww. Just the thought makes me feel kind of sick. I'm painfully aware that like in your situation, how can I tell some potential partner, who I don't want to lose, that I'm sex repulsed? Even worse, I don't know for a fact that I won't ever compromise. I imagine I'd do something like what your girlfriend did and say, well, let's give it a year. But, like you suspect, after that year, she still may not be on board. Some goes for me. I just don't know. So maybe I have an idea of what your girlfriend is feeling, and that's frustration. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I know you want to know the answer, but I can't give it to you. It's such a difficult situation to be in :(

If I were her, my advice to you would be this. Assume the "worst". Assume she won't ever want to. Really get that in your head. It's never gonna happen. Got it? Ok, do you still want to be with her? If the answer isn't an unequivocal yes, then you need to make a tough decision. It's not fair to either of you to be in that situation. You're not being satisfied, and she's going to feel constantly pressured (directly or indirectly). It might be time to walk. Yes, feelings on both sides will be hurt in the short term, but like ripping off a band-aid, best to get it over with and move on.

Also consider this. If one day, she does decide to compromise and do it, are you really ok with that? I know I could probably compromise...but it's still going to be a mostly unpleasant experience for me. Are you really comfortable putting her through that? I think if you look deep inside yourself, you'll discover that's not really what you want.

I guess what I really want you to understand is her perspective, because it's one I've thought about a lot. This isn't easy for her, I promise you that. It's "just sex" to you, but to her, it's something that just isn't right.

As I always do, I'll encourage a compromise of trying to discover other ways of intimacy that aren't sex. They may satisfy both of you. Maybe she's ok with sleeping (just sleeping) together without clothes? Maybe you could do special cuddling. I know for myself, even sex repulsed, I wouldn't be totally opposed to something like mutual masturbation. Still hard to get to, but it does feel get-to-able...unlike sex. There are options other than sex. They're not shitty substitutes, they're just as good. Maybe give it a try?

Anyway, good luck and I hope you're able to work out something that is best for the both of you, no matter what that ends up being :)

[Scottthespy]

There are other forms of compromise than simply having sex less often. Some people contemplate and even try open relationships, though that's very difficult and not at all for every one. Some people try couples toys, with the asexual being able to use the toys on the sexual and gain satisfaction from seeing how much they can please their partner, but that probably isnt an option for some one who couldn't even look as you self satisfied. Sometimes the compromise is, as others have said, finding a 'kink' that makes things good for both parties.

Something I didn't see touched on, though I may have missed it, was that even if she decides she's willing to try, to push through the revulsion and give it a go just to see what its really like with you, she probably wouldn't enjoy it much...and that would probably take a lot of the joy out of it for you, partly a hit to your subconcious pride and partly a case of you not being a horrible person, thus not enjoying her distress.

[ithaca]

Also, even in the case she decided to say yes in one year or whenever, that doesn't mean she will say yes again after that. It's important to remember that consent needs to be given every time, and that being in a relationship and having had sex before doesn't mean there's a green light in the future.

zandm7, how would you deal with that scenario?

[Kalidas]

Also, even in the case she decided to say yes in one year or whenever, that doesn't mean she will say yes again after that. It's important to remember that consent needs to be given every time, and that being in a relationship and having had sex before doesn't mean there's a green light in the future.

zandm7, how would you deal with that scenario?

I keep sharing this video. It's AMAZING at explaining consent.

[zandm7]

So a lot of people are disturbed that I would even want to have sex with my girlfriend if I know that she feels "violated" by it...like you guys said, why would I want my girlfriend to do something that makes her feel violated? And I DON'T want my girlfriend to do something like that, and I WON'T EVER make her do something like that.

But I can't help wanting to have sex with my girlfriend. I can't help hoping that she might not actually be "repulsed" to the point where actually having sex makes her sick. And the REASON why I'm always hoping my girlfriend will have sex with me is because I have read so much on asexual-sexual relationships and how sexual compromise is one of the more common/effective ways of keeping a healthy relationship. All I want, above all else, is for there to be an easy answer (that is acceptable for BOTH of us) to the fact that my girlfriend's asexual and I'm not. Obviously it's not that easy, but I'm impatient and I worry a lot about the future (and that goes for everything).

Someone asked me if I'm in the relationship just for sex. No, I'm really really NOT. The only reason I'm fixated on this issue right now is because my girlfriend and I have been on summer break for about 2 weeks now so we haven't been able to see each other (and won't really be able to see each other for the rest of break). When I was with my girlfriend on a regular basis during the school year, I really didn't NEED to have sex with her and I get the feeling that when we reunite for fall semester, I still won't NEED to have sex with her. Just being with my girlfriend and sharing other acts of physical intimacy besides sex is more than enough pleasure for me; being with her is one of the most enjoyable things I can do in my life. But while we're apart obviously I miss her a lot and I dwell on things a lot more than I should. So no, I'm not in the relationship for sex, and yes, I do believe that if our relationship would continue to not have sex I would be more than alright with that and would not allow it to negatively impact our relationship. Also at any rate, I think masturbating in her presence is already HIGHLY sexually satisfying and she has already told me that that is something she is definitely OK with me doing at my leisure even now.

Also, someone suggested that my girlfriend might not have been entirely truthful when she told me things might change after a year. That maybe my girlfriend was telling me "maybe" so she wouldn't hurt my feelings or because she was afraid of losing me otherwise. I trust my girlfriend a lot, and I think she would tell me that she doesn't ever think she will consent to sex if that's how she felt. And I guess here I'll give a bit more context, as I haven't shared everything that I've talked with my girlfriend about related to this issue: I've discussed my idea of what would be an acceptable compromise to me, which for me would be SOME form of sexual act on a regular (doesn't have to be frequent) basis. She has told me that she is fairly confident that she will be OK with giving handjobs, at the very least, within the timespan of a year.

And on the note of pressuring my girlfriend, I have let her know multiple times that I am not going to pressure her for sex in any way. SHE is the one who set a timeframe of a year, not me. And of course I don't expect/feel that she's obligated to change after that year is up. I really really don't want to pressure my girlfriend for sex. I do want her to be comfortable in our relationship and I don't want her to be dreading the end of that year timespan.

When I ask for advice about our situation online, a really common answer I get is that we should just break up. And I'll just address that now: Maybe you're right. Maybe breaking up would be the least painful, easiest solution. But it's not something either of us want to do, especially this early in our relationship. And I don't think it's necessary, as I'm confident that (even though I have a strong DESIRE to have sex with my girlfriend) I don't NEED sex to be happy with this relationship, at least for the foreseeable future. If I ever reach a point where I think that the lack of sex is/will be negatively impacting our relationship, then obviously I'll have to reconsider. To put it simply, lack of sex was not a problem for me at all in the 2 months that we were together, and I think it can continue not being a problem for awhile. Of course I still WANT to have sex with my girlfriend, and hope that we will in the future, but it's not something that I need. And the reason I keep attaching qualifiers to everything and the reason why I don't say I know for sure that I'd be OK with no sex forever is because I don't think it's really possible to know that; this is my first relationship, I'm young AF, and I know how much I'm capable of changing year-to-year.

At any rate, I'm being sure to let my girlfriend know that yes, I'm fine with not having sex for the foreseeable future, and no, I'm not going to pressure her for sex. I don't think it's possible to say that there isn't ANY pressure on my girlfriend, as she knows that she's dating someone who's sexual and wants to have sex with her. But I'll do my best to make sure there's as little pressure as possible.

@ithaca About the continued consent thing: Of course I'm going to ask my girlfriend for consent every time. If, after the first time, she's not OK with ever trying it again, then I'll have to evaluate my feelings and whether I'm OK with a relationship that is truly devoid of sex. But I'm not ever going to start assuming that my girlfriend's OK with having sex if she ends up consenting once. Since the beginning of our relationship I've always been one to ask my girlfriend if she is OK with me doing certain things, because I never want to do something to her that makes her feel bad.

Also, on whether my girlfriend is truly "sex-repulsed," and the use of the word "violated": I think I would be more sure whether my girlfriend's sex-repulsed or "sex-averse" (or one of the other terms somebody suggested as a "milder" version of sex-repulsed) if she'd had it before and felt that it really was violating. Not that I would ever wish that type of experience on my girlfriend. I just feel that, with sex, it's a particularly misunderstood thing among people who've never had it before (myself included) and it's one of those things where our mental perception of it is often wildly different than the actual reality, especially with my girlfriend, who's never had sex or even attempted masturbation. Moreover, she's had a pretty strict and somewhat religious (Catholic, although she's hardly religious now that she's in college) upbringing; she thinks that (for herself anyways) sex is something you should only do with someone you've been with for a long time. I know that she's definitely asexual no matter what -- she's told me that she's never really experienced horniness or any sort of sexual energy of any sort -- but sometimes I wonder whether her aversion/repulsion towards sex might be slightly attributed to her upbringing and her sort-of "built-up" image of sex. I realize that I probably shouldn't harbor these thoughts and I should probably just prepare for the "worst-case scenario" (AKA she's never going to be OK with having sex) but I really can't help thinking stuff like this.

Anyways, thank you guys for all your advice and sorry for the wall of text.

[zandm7]

So I'm turning to you guys. Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Is it possible for a sex-repulsed partner to consent to having sex for the sake of their sexual partner? Has anyone who thought they were sex-repulsed changed their mind after actually having sex? Should I hold out hope that my girlfriend will have sex with me after a year (or ever)?

You're asking the wrong questions, is all. Here's what you *should* be asking yourself and her: Is there any way you can make her feel good during sexual acts?

That's the thing I've been dealing with for a while now. It's slow and sparse and I think other people change partners more often than I get to do anything with my girlfriend. But that might be fine for you, if you've stopped seeing your own sexual satisfaction as something of importance (and I'm afraid that's unavoidable dating an asexual).

Start slow. Find her boundaries, through talking and through experimenting. Push those boundaries, ever so gently. If you're "lucky" (*1) like me, you may discover things that she enjoys. Otherwise, well, repulsion aside, there's not really much point to sexual acts if she doesn't enjoy them at all, is there?

Hope that helps, good luck.

*1) Calling anyone in our situation lucky is stretching it a little, but you know what I mean.

THIS! This times a million billion quadrillion. Find what can make HER feel pleasurable.

possible TMI?

My wife and I discovered something recently that actually makes me look forward to sex as opposed to just simple masturbation (which has NEVER happened before). We were having sex and well I was losing arousal... it happens to me a lot. Can't mention the countless times I could not orgasm or my loss of arousal. So I tried something new. I closed my eyes and I started saying all the things I love about her outloud. Then she said what she loved about me outloud. It worked like a charm. Like some kind of odd romantic kink I have..

Not saying something like this can ALWAYS work but. I think getting to know her better (it's only been two months) may lead you both to discover new things about the both of you.

@Tarfeather and @Kalidas

Thanks so much for this suggestion; this is definitely something I will discuss with my girlfriend. Definitely as our relationship's gone on, we've both discovered new things that we enjoy that we probably didn't know or think we would enjoy. For both of us, I think French-kissing was something that we were surprised at finding pleasurable. For her, I think she was really surprised at how much she enjoyed cuddling/spooning (and being hugged, especially from behind, but also in general). For me, I think I more or less expected that I would enjoy doing things with my girlfriend (obviously) but I think I was probably surprised at how much I enjoyed doing certain things.

My girlfriend has told me before that throughout her life she's been averse/uncomfortable with physical acts like hugging and being touched in general, even by her family and close friends, but doesn't mind and indeed enjoys physical acts of intimacy with me, so hopefully there's something I can do for her that pleasures her beyond what I've already been doing! She doesn't have any history of sexual abuse or anything btw, she's just not a very touchy-feely person lol.

[fish of hearts]

Hello, zandm7.

I'm an asexual woman married to a very sexual man. We've been together as a couple for over seventeen years. When we began our relationship, I had no reason to think I was asexual, as there was no large (online or otherwise) asexual community, and I always assumed that the desire would come on its own or after I "lost my virginity" (a repulsive and degrading phrase I no longer use). Growing up on a highly conservative religious community, we at first assumed he was the one with something "wrong," as his desires needed to be reigned in by the Spirit, and I seemed to be saving myself for marriage, like a good little girl.

After our relationship reached permanance, we tried multiple times to have intercourse. They invariably failed, as my body absolutely will not respond to touch alone, and I have zero desire to engage in the act. The only desire I had was to make him happy because I loved him and that's how I was supposed to show my love as a good wife. But if my own hormones won't listen to threats or reason, why the hell would the organs do any differently? By this point the tables had turned. I was the "broken" one, because I was a grown woman who should want sex, and while we were no longer religious or conservative, I now felt I had to answer to the "freedom" second wave feminism had given us through more liberal views. I had no church looming over me. Surely I should feel free to want sex now, yes?

I'm 35. Twenty years of my life, I have wondered and hoped and tried. It always hurts and it is never, never what I want. It is what I want to want. Not because I really want to want it or even really because it seems like fun. No. I want to want it because I'm supposed to want it. I want it because otherwise my boyfriend/husband/possesor of my heart resented me because I wouldn't, or rather couldn't "give it up." He didn't want to resent me, but what should we have expected with the messages we received from everyone: media, friends, sexologists, everyone. Everyone should want the sex. The sex is great. If you don't want the sex, something is wrong with you. Sex = love, so if you don't do the sex you don't really love. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

These are all we had, and we were in serious trouble for a while because we loved the hell out of each other, but we didn't know how, and we hated how the other "loved" us.

Then we learned about asexuality, and I didn't feel broken anymore. And he couldn't resent me because he understood it was never my fault. I can't give him a sense of desirability because that is simply not mine to give. He no longer expects me to submit myself to a self violating act, now or ever.

We also learned about and became polyamorous, which has benefited both of us and made our relationship feel more secure.

I love my husband dearly, and there is so much more to our relationship and growing up together than just the sexual history I've listed here. However, if I had to start all over again, if I had the knowledge about my own sexuality that I have now, I would not have have stayed those first few years. Living with someone who resents you for something you cannot help is unacceptably painful.

I hope my perspective helps.

[Kalidas]

So a lot of people are disturbed that I would even want to have sex with my girlfriend if I know that she feels "violated" by it...like you guys said, why would I want my girlfriend to do something that makes her feel violated? And I DON'T want my girlfriend to do something like that, and I WON'T EVER make her do something like that.

But I can't help wanting to have sex with my girlfriend. I can't help hoping that she might not actually be "repulsed" to the point where actually having sex makes her sick. And the REASON why I'm always hoping my girlfriend will have sex with me is because I have read so much on asexual-sexual relationships and how sexual compromise is one of the more common/effective ways of keeping a healthy relationship. All I want, above all else, is for there to be an easy answer (that is acceptable for BOTH of us) to the fact that my girlfriend's asexual and I'm not. Obviously it's not that easy, but I'm impatient and I worry a lot about the future (and that goes for everything).

Someone asked me if I'm in the relationship just for sex. No, I'm really really NOT. The only reason I'm fixated on this issue right now is because my girlfriend and I have been on summer break for about 2 weeks now so we haven't been able to see each other (and won't really be able to see each other for the rest of break). When I was with my girlfriend on a regular basis during the school year, I really didn't NEED to have sex with her and I get the feeling that when we reunite for fall semester, I still won't NEED to have sex with her. Just being with my girlfriend and sharing other acts of physical intimacy besides sex is more than enough pleasure for me; being with her is one of the most enjoyable things I can do in my life. But while we're apart obviously I miss her a lot and I dwell on things a lot more than I should. So no, I'm not in the relationship for sex, and yes, I do believe that if our relationship would continue to not have sex I would be more than alright with that and would not allow it to negatively impact our relationship. Also at any rate, I think masturbating in her presence is already HIGHLY sexually satisfying and she has already told me that that is something she is definitely OK with me doing at my leisure even now.

Also, someone suggested that my girlfriend might not have been entirely truthful when she told me things might change after a year. That maybe my girlfriend was telling me "maybe" so she wouldn't hurt my feelings or because she was afraid of losing me otherwise. I trust my girlfriend a lot, and I think she would tell me that she doesn't ever think she will consent to sex if that's how she felt. And I guess here I'll give a bit more context, as I haven't shared everything that I've talked with my girlfriend about related to this issue: I've discussed my idea of what would be an acceptable compromise to me, which for me would be SOME form of sexual act on a regular (doesn't have to be frequent) basis. She has told me that she is fairly confident that she will be OK with giving handjobs, at the very least, within the timespan of a year.

And on the note of pressuring my girlfriend, I have let her know multiple times that I am not going to pressure her for sex in any way. SHE is the one who set a timeframe of a year, not me. And of course I don't expect/feel that she's obligated to change after that year is up. I really really don't want to pressure my girlfriend for sex. I do want her to be comfortable in our relationship and I don't want her to be dreading the end of that year timespan.

When I ask for advice about our situation online, a really common answer I get is that we should just break up. And I'll just address that now: Maybe you're right. Maybe breaking up would be the least painful, easiest solution. But it's not something either of us want to do, especially this early in our relationship. And I don't think it's necessary, as I'm confident that (even though I have a strong DESIRE to have sex with my girlfriend) I don't NEED sex to be happy with this relationship, at least for the foreseeable future. If I ever reach a point where I think that the lack of sex is/will be negatively impacting our relationship, then obviously I'll have to reconsider. To put it simply, lack of sex was not a problem for me at all in the 2 months that we were together, and I think it can continue not being a problem for awhile. Of course I still WANT to have sex with my girlfriend, and hope that we will in the future, but it's not something that I need. And the reason I keep attaching qualifiers to everything and the reason why I don't say I know for sure that I'd be OK with no sex forever is because I don't think it's really possible to know that; this is my first relationship, I'm young AF, and I know how much I'm capable of changing year-to-year.

At any rate, I'm being sure to let my girlfriend know that yes, I'm fine with not having sex for the foreseeable future, and no, I'm not going to pressure her for sex. I don't think it's possible to say that there isn't ANY pressure on my girlfriend, as she knows that she's dating someone who's sexual and wants to have sex with her. But I'll do my best to make sure there's as little pressure as possible.

@ithaca About the continued consent thing: Of course I'm going to ask my girlfriend for consent every time. If, after the first time, she's not OK with ever trying it again, then I'll have to evaluate my feelings and whether I'm OK with a relationship that is truly devoid of sex. But I'm not ever going to start assuming that my girlfriend's OK with having sex if she ends up consenting once. Since the beginning of our relationship I've always been one to ask my girlfriend if she is OK with me doing certain things, because I never want to do something to her that makes her feel bad.

Also, on whether my girlfriend is truly "sex-repulsed," and the use of the word "violated": I think I would be more sure whether my girlfriend's sex-repulsed or "sex-averse" (or one of the other terms somebody suggested as a "milder" version of sex-repulsed) if she'd had it before and felt that it really was violating. Not that I would ever wish that type of experience on my girlfriend. I just feel that, with sex, it's a particularly misunderstood thing among people who've never had it before (myself included) and it's one of those things where our mental perception of it is often wildly different than the actual reality, especially with my girlfriend, who's never had sex or even attempted masturbation. Moreover, she's had a pretty strict and somewhat religious (Catholic, although she's hardly religious now that she's in college) upbringing; she thinks that (for herself anyways) sex is something you should only do with someone you've been with for a long time. I know that she's definitely asexual no matter what -- she's told me that she's never really experienced horniness or any sort of sexual energy of any sort -- but sometimes I wonder whether her aversion/repulsion towards sex might be slightly attributed to her upbringing and her sort-of "built-up" image of sex. I realize that I probably shouldn't harbor these thoughts and I should probably just prepare for the "worst-case scenario" (AKA she's never going to be OK with having sex) but I really can't help thinking stuff like this.

Anyways, thank you guys for all your advice and sorry for the wall of text.

I'm sorry if you feel attacked, I think sometimes there is a big disconnect between asexuals and allosexuals. Se we just can not comprehend what goes on in your heads. It would be like asking a blind man what his favorite color is, he couldn't' even explain color to you let alone why one specific color is special. So it creates a schism between our two groups at time.

Example I can SEE the absolute ecstasy on my wife's face when we make love. I see her expressions, hear it in her voice, feel it in her body. I mean I feel a good feeling downstairs (I'm not biologically broken) but there is more to it for sexuals. there is just something so absolutely special to a sexual, something that happens when a human fulfills an innate desire that they simply are born into needing to feel. Like when a person eats something super delicious (but like 1000% better), there is just that reward center of your brains the triggers when you fulfill a basic biological desire. Yet to an asexual we are either indifferent (sex feels okay,it can even feel great but we will NEVER feel that amazing ecstasy) or it is downright repulsive. So to some of us seeing this drive for sex may almost seem insulting or like "all you care about is sex" (I believe you when you say it isn't) but that's like saying "How dare that starving man want food so badly?" Just because we can't feel what you feel doesn't mean we should insult you. You are a sexual you have an innate psychological desire for partnered sex, we really have no right to judge you for that.

I really wouldn't recommend breaking up (I am almost always an advocate for trying to find love), but a SUPER serious conversation needs to be had. Understand that other success stories are no guarantee that it will happen to you. And sadly you may NEVER EVER ask her but just you wanting it will make her feel pressured understand that. And the more in love you guys become the only stronger that pressure will become. Not because you are some asshole, but because she genuinely wants you to be happy.

I wish you luck, I really do. I like happy endings (I am such an optimist which is weird because my life is super fucking depressing), just understand we do not live in a fairy tale and not everyone can live happily ever after. But I sure would like to see it, you sound like a genuine nice guy.

[Kalidas]

Hello, zandm7.

I'm an asexual woman married to a very sexual man. We've been together as a couple for over seventeen years. When we began our relationship, I had no reason to think I was asexual, as there was no large (online or otherwise) asexual community, and I always assumed that the desire would come on its own or after I "lost my virginity" (a repulsive and degrading phrase I no longer use). Growing up on a highly conservative religious community, we at first assumed he was the one with something "wrong," as his desires needed to be reigned in by the Spirit, and I seemed to be saving myself for marriage, like a good little girl.

After our relationship reached permanance, we tried multiple times to have intercourse. They invariably failed, as my body absolutely will not respond to touch alone, and I have zero desire to engage in the act. The only desire I had was to make him happy because I loved him and that's how I was supposed to show my love as a good wife. But if my own hormones won't listen to threats or reason, why the hell would the organs do any differently? By this point the tables had turned. I was the "broken" one, because I was a grown woman who should want sex, and while we were no longer religious or conservative, I now felt I had to answer to the "freedom" second wave feminism had given us through more liberal views. I had no church looming over me. Surely I should feel free to want sex now, yes?

I'm 35. Twenty years of my life, I have wondered and hoped and tried. It always hurts and it is never, never what I want. It is what I want to want. Not because I really want to want it or even really because it seems like fun. No. I want to want it because I'm supposed to want it. I want it because otherwise my boyfriend/husband/possesor of my heart resented me because I wouldn't, or rather couldn't "give it up." He didn't want to resent me, but what should we have expected with the messages we received from everyone: media, friends, sexologists, everyone. Everyone should want the sex. The sex is great. If you don't want the sex, something is wrong with you. Sex = love, so if you don't do the sex you don't really love. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

These are all we had, and we were in serious trouble for a while because we loved the hell out of each other, but we didn't know how, and we hated how the other "loved" us.

Then we learned about asexuality, and I didn't feel broken anymore. And he couldn't resent me because he understood it was never my fault. I can't give him a sense of desirability because that is simply not mine to give. He no longer expects me to submit myself to a self violating act, now or ever.

We also learned about and became polyamorous, which has benefited both of us and made our relationship feel more secure.

I love my husband dearly, and there is so much more to our relationship and growing up together than just the sexual history I've listed here. However, if I had to start all over again, if I had the knowledge about my own sexuality that I have now, I would not have have stayed those first few years. Living with someone who resents you for something you cannot help is unacceptably painful.

I hope my perspective helps.

My wife and I were pretty close to this point. I made the same assumptions as you. sex=love. Discovering my sexuality (and this forum!)saved my marriage. I even proposed again, I want to start our first year over. Luckily I have a labido so comprimise isn't super difficult, it's just she has to wait on my time I have all the control when sex is concerned. Maybe our friend here can try that, give her all the control. It sounds scary but it will help her feel more safe, it sure helped me.

[zandm7]

In a word...it depends.

But I also find the prospect somewhat scary, because knowing how my girlfriend feels about sex I could end up waiting a year only to have her tell me that it's not happening or that she needs more time. I've asked my girlfriend if she thinks that she'll actually be comfortable with a sexual compromise after a year and (perhaps somewhat obviously) her answer was that she has no idea.

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me actually, so maybe I can offer up some of my thoughts. I've thought about this kind of thing a lot myself, and it's really tough. Ithaca hits it pretty close to how I feel. At this very moment? Yes, sex repulsed. Not by sex in general, I don't really care about that, but me doing it? Eww. Just the thought makes me feel kind of sick. I'm painfully aware that like in your situation, how can I tell some potential partner, who I don't want to lose, that I'm sex repulsed? Even worse, I don't know for a fact that I won't ever compromise. I imagine I'd do something like what your girlfriend did and say, well, let's give it a year. But, like you suspect, after that year, she still may not be on board. Some goes for me. I just don't know. So maybe I have an idea of what your girlfriend is feeling, and that's frustration. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I know you want to know the answer, but I can't give it to you. It's such a difficult situation to be in :(

If I were her, my advice to you would be this. Assume the "worst". Assume she won't ever want to. Really get that in your head. It's never gonna happen. Got it? Ok, do you still want to be with her? If the answer isn't an unequivocal yes, then you need to make a tough decision. It's not fair to either of you to be in that situation. You're not being satisfied, and she's going to feel constantly pressured (directly or indirectly). It might be time to walk. Yes, feelings on both sides will be hurt in the short term, but like ripping off a band-aid, best to get it over with and move on.

Also consider this. If one day, she does decide to compromise and do it, are you really ok with that? I know I could probably compromise...but it's still going to be a mostly unpleasant experience for me. Are you really comfortable putting her through that? I think if you look deep inside yourself, you'll discover that's not really what you want.

I guess what I really want you to understand is her perspective, because it's one I've thought about a lot. This isn't easy for her, I promise you that. It's "just sex" to you, but to her, it's something that just isn't right.

As I always do, I'll encourage a compromise of trying to discover other ways of intimacy that aren't sex. They may satisfy both of you. Maybe she's ok with sleeping (just sleeping) together without clothes? Maybe you could do special cuddling. I know for myself, even sex repulsed, I wouldn't be totally opposed to something like mutual masturbation. Still hard to get to, but it does feel get-to-able...unlike sex. There are options other than sex. They're not shitty substitutes, they're just as good. Maybe give it a try?

Anyway, good luck and I hope you're able to work out something that is best for the both of you, no matter what that ends up being :)

Thanks for this reply. From a similar perspective, if I could "become" asexual (lol) I would do so in a heartbeat...sexual frustration is a pain in the ass, masturbating a lot is sort of annoying and kind of a waste of time, and obviously it would make my relationship easier. But yeah it's not possible obviously.

I definitely do understand (although I can't relate, for obvious reasons) her side of the story. I'm trying not to hold out too much hope for her being willing to have sex with me but it's really really hard and I can't help hoping that my girlfriend has sex with me -- I think for sexual people this is probably something that's just kind of impossible to wire yourself to do; cognitively I can sort of tell myself, "Oh there's a very high chance she's never going to be willing to have sex with me" but otherwise I always retain that subconscious hope that makes me think "Oh but maybe she will."

As for other forms of intimacy...she tends to sleep fully clothed with me. I've asked her before if she would let me see her in her underwear or something but she said no. She doesn't even want me to see her in a swimsuit. She says she just finds it embarrassing. Which is something I find strange for multiple reasons. One, she's not the type of person to dress super-modestly. She puts a healthy amount of care into her appearance and she definitely wears her share of fairly revealing (but tasteful) outfits (short skirts/dresses/shorts). Two, she's never been uncomfortable with me looking at her sexually or complimenting her in a sexual manner. And three, she's always been fine with me fondling her most everywhere except erogenous regions, even when it's her bare legs. For context, I really enjoy my girlfriend's body, especially her legs and butt (always been an ass/legs man lol) and when she wears clothes that expose those areas I tend to, well, feel her up a lot (lol) and she's told me she's perfectly fine with it.

So yeah that was just kind of a random rant of mine lol, but as for other forms of intimacy beyond naked cuddling, we've decided that our short term "compromise" is for me to masturbate in her presence, which is totally fine with both of us. I've also said this before but my girlfriend says that she feels more likely to be comfortable with handjobs than oral sex or penetrative sex given time, which I would ALSO be very OK with if she is.

[Kalidas]

In a word...it depends.

But I also find the prospect somewhat scary, because knowing how my girlfriend feels about sex I could end up waiting a year only to have her tell me that it's not happening or that she needs more time. I've asked my girlfriend if she thinks that she'll actually be comfortable with a sexual compromise after a year and (perhaps somewhat obviously) her answer was that she has no idea.

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me actually, so maybe I can offer up some of my thoughts. I've thought about this kind of thing a lot myself, and it's really tough. Ithaca hits it pretty close to how I feel. At this very moment? Yes, sex repulsed. Not by sex in general, I don't really care about that, but me doing it? Eww. Just the thought makes me feel kind of sick. I'm painfully aware that like in your situation, how can I tell some potential partner, who I don't want to lose, that I'm sex repulsed? Even worse, I don't know for a fact that I won't ever compromise. I imagine I'd do something like what your girlfriend did and say, well, let's give it a year. But, like you suspect, after that year, she still may not be on board. Some goes for me. I just don't know. So maybe I have an idea of what your girlfriend is feeling, and that's frustration. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I know you want to know the answer, but I can't give it to you. It's such a difficult situation to be in :(

If I were her, my advice to you would be this. Assume the "worst". Assume she won't ever want to. Really get that in your head. It's never gonna happen. Got it? Ok, do you still want to be with her? If the answer isn't an unequivocal yes, then you need to make a tough decision. It's not fair to either of you to be in that situation. You're not being satisfied, and she's going to feel constantly pressured (directly or indirectly). It might be time to walk. Yes, feelings on both sides will be hurt in the short term, but like ripping off a band-aid, best to get it over with and move on.

Also consider this. If one day, she does decide to compromise and do it, are you really ok with that? I know I could probably compromise...but it's still going to be a mostly unpleasant experience for me. Are you really comfortable putting her through that? I think if you look deep inside yourself, you'll discover that's not really what you want.

I guess what I really want you to understand is her perspective, because it's one I've thought about a lot. This isn't easy for her, I promise you that. It's "just sex" to you, but to her, it's something that just isn't right.

As I always do, I'll encourage a compromise of trying to discover other ways of intimacy that aren't sex. They may satisfy both of you. Maybe she's ok with sleeping (just sleeping) together without clothes? Maybe you could do special cuddling. I know for myself, even sex repulsed, I wouldn't be totally opposed to something like mutual masturbation. Still hard to get to, but it does feel get-to-able...unlike sex. There are options other than sex. They're not shitty substitutes, they're just as good. Maybe give it a try?

Anyway, good luck and I hope you're able to work out something that is best for the both of you, no matter what that ends up being :)

Thanks for this reply. From a similar perspective, if I could "become" asexual (lol) I would do so in a heartbeat...sexual frustration is a pain in the ass, masturbating a lot is sort of annoying and kind of a waste of time, and obviously it would make my relationship easier. But yeah it's not possible obviously.

I definitely do understand (although I can't relate, for obvious reasons) her side of the story. I'm trying not to hold out too much hope for her being willing to have sex with me but it's really really hard and I can't help hoping that my girlfriend has sex with me -- I think for sexual people this is probably something that's just kind of impossible to wire yourself to do; cognitively I can sort of tell myself, "Oh there's a very high chance she's never going to be willing to have sex with me" but otherwise I always retain that subconscious hope that makes me think "Oh but maybe she will."

As for other forms of intimacy...she tends to sleep fully clothed with me. I've asked her before if she would let me see her in her underwear or something but she said no. She doesn't even want me to see her in a swimsuit. She says she just finds it embarrassing. Which is something I find strange for multiple reasons. One, she's not the type of person to dress super-modestly. She puts a healthy amount of care into her appearance and she definitely wears her share of fairly revealing (but tasteful) outfits (short skirts/dresses/shorts). Two, she's never been uncomfortable with me looking at her sexually or complimenting her in a sexual manner. And three, she's always been fine with me fondling her most everywhere except erogenous regions, even when it's her bare legs. For context, I really enjoy my girlfriend's body, especially her legs and butt (always been an ass/legs man lol) and when she wears clothes that expose those areas I tend to, well, feel her up a lot (lol) and she's told me she's perfectly fine with it.

So yeah that was just kind of a random rant of mine lol, but as for other forms of intimacy beyond naked cuddling, we've decided that our short term "compromise" is for me to masturbate in her presence, which is totally fine with both of us. I've also said this before but my girlfriend says that she feels more likely to be comfortable with handjobs than oral sex or penetrative sex given time, which I would ALSO be very OK with if she is.

There are certain sex toys meant to mimic body parts. Maybe this is something you could try? Mutual, romantic, masturbation with anatomicly correct toys? An almost "sex simulation"?

[zandm7]

So a lot of people are disturbed that I would even want to have sex with my girlfriend if I know that she feels "violated" by it...like you guys said, why would I want my girlfriend to do something that makes her feel violated? And I DON'T want my girlfriend to do something like that, and I WON'T EVER make her do something like that.

But I can't help wanting to have sex with my girlfriend. I can't help hoping that she might not actually be "repulsed" to the point where actually having sex makes her sick. And the REASON why I'm always hoping my girlfriend will have sex with me is because I have read so much on asexual-sexual relationships and how sexual compromise is one of the more common/effective ways of keeping a healthy relationship. All I want, above all else, is for there to be an easy answer (that is acceptable for BOTH of us) to the fact that my girlfriend's asexual and I'm not. Obviously it's not that easy, but I'm impatient and I worry a lot about the future (and that goes for everything).

Someone asked me if I'm in the relationship just for sex. No, I'm really really NOT. The only reason I'm fixated on this issue right now is because my girlfriend and I have been on summer break for about 2 weeks now so we haven't been able to see each other (and won't really be able to see each other for the rest of break). When I was with my girlfriend on a regular basis during the school year, I really didn't NEED to have sex with her and I get the feeling that when we reunite for fall semester, I still won't NEED to have sex with her. Just being with my girlfriend and sharing other acts of physical intimacy besides sex is more than enough pleasure for me; being with her is one of the most enjoyable things I can do in my life. But while we're apart obviously I miss her a lot and I dwell on things a lot more than I should. So no, I'm not in the relationship for sex, and yes, I do believe that if our relationship would continue to not have sex I would be more than alright with that and would not allow it to negatively impact our relationship. Also at any rate, I think masturbating in her presence is already HIGHLY sexually satisfying and she has already told me that that is something she is definitely OK with me doing at my leisure even now.

Also, someone suggested that my girlfriend might not have been entirely truthful when she told me things might change after a year. That maybe my girlfriend was telling me "maybe" so she wouldn't hurt my feelings or because she was afraid of losing me otherwise. I trust my girlfriend a lot, and I think she would tell me that she doesn't ever think she will consent to sex if that's how she felt. And I guess here I'll give a bit more context, as I haven't shared everything that I've talked with my girlfriend about related to this issue: I've discussed my idea of what would be an acceptable compromise to me, which for me would be SOME form of sexual act on a regular (doesn't have to be frequent) basis. She has told me that she is fairly confident that she will be OK with giving handjobs, at the very least, within the timespan of a year.

And on the note of pressuring my girlfriend, I have let her know multiple times that I am not going to pressure her for sex in any way. SHE is the one who set a timeframe of a year, not me. And of course I don't expect/feel that she's obligated to change after that year is up. I really really don't want to pressure my girlfriend for sex. I do want her to be comfortable in our relationship and I don't want her to be dreading the end of that year timespan.

When I ask for advice about our situation online, a really common answer I get is that we should just break up. And I'll just address that now: Maybe you're right. Maybe breaking up would be the least painful, easiest solution. But it's not something either of us want to do, especially this early in our relationship. And I don't think it's necessary, as I'm confident that (even though I have a strong DESIRE to have sex with my girlfriend) I don't NEED sex to be happy with this relationship, at least for the foreseeable future. If I ever reach a point where I think that the lack of sex is/will be negatively impacting our relationship, then obviously I'll have to reconsider. To put it simply, lack of sex was not a problem for me at all in the 2 months that we were together, and I think it can continue not being a problem for awhile. Of course I still WANT to have sex with my girlfriend, and hope that we will in the future, but it's not something that I need. And the reason I keep attaching qualifiers to everything and the reason why I don't say I know for sure that I'd be OK with no sex forever is because I don't think it's really possible to know that; this is my first relationship, I'm young AF, and I know how much I'm capable of changing year-to-year.

At any rate, I'm being sure to let my girlfriend know that yes, I'm fine with not having sex for the foreseeable future, and no, I'm not going to pressure her for sex. I don't think it's possible to say that there isn't ANY pressure on my girlfriend, as she knows that she's dating someone who's sexual and wants to have sex with her. But I'll do my best to make sure there's as little pressure as possible.

@ithaca About the continued consent thing: Of course I'm going to ask my girlfriend for consent every time. If, after the first time, she's not OK with ever trying it again, then I'll have to evaluate my feelings and whether I'm OK with a relationship that is truly devoid of sex. But I'm not ever going to start assuming that my girlfriend's OK with having sex if she ends up consenting once. Since the beginning of our relationship I've always been one to ask my girlfriend if she is OK with me doing certain things, because I never want to do something to her that makes her feel bad.

Also, on whether my girlfriend is truly "sex-repulsed," and the use of the word "violated": I think I would be more sure whether my girlfriend's sex-repulsed or "sex-averse" (or one of the other terms somebody suggested as a "milder" version of sex-repulsed) if she'd had it before and felt that it really was violating. Not that I would ever wish that type of experience on my girlfriend. I just feel that, with sex, it's a particularly misunderstood thing among people who've never had it before (myself included) and it's one of those things where our mental perception of it is often wildly different than the actual reality, especially with my girlfriend, who's never had sex or even attempted masturbation. Moreover, she's had a pretty strict and somewhat religious (Catholic, although she's hardly religious now that she's in college) upbringing; she thinks that (for herself anyways) sex is something you should only do with someone you've been with for a long time. I know that she's definitely asexual no matter what -- she's told me that she's never really experienced horniness or any sort of sexual energy of any sort -- but sometimes I wonder whether her aversion/repulsion towards sex might be slightly attributed to her upbringing and her sort-of "built-up" image of sex. I realize that I probably shouldn't harbor these thoughts and I should probably just prepare for the "worst-case scenario" (AKA she's never going to be OK with having sex) but I really can't help thinking stuff like this.

Anyways, thank you guys for all your advice and sorry for the wall of text.

I'm sorry if you feel attacked, I think sometimes there is a big disconnect between asexuals and allosexuals. Se we just can not comprehend what goes on in your heads. It would be like asking a blind man what his favorite color is, he couldn't' even explain color to you let alone why one specific color is special. So it creates a schism between our two groups at time.

Example I can SEE the absolute ecstasy on my wife's face when we make love. I see her expressions, hear it in her voice, feel it in her body. I mean I feel a good feeling downstairs (I'm not biologically broken) but there is more to it for sexuals. there is just something so absolutely special to a sexual, something that happens when a human fulfills an innate desire that they simply are born into needing to feel. Like when a person eats something super delicious (but like 1000% better), there is just that reward center of your brains the triggers when you fulfill a basic biological desire. Yet to an asexual we are either indifferent (sex feels okay,it can even feel great but we will NEVER feel that amazing ecstasy) or it is downright repulsive. So to some of us seeing this drive for sex may almost seem insulting or like "all you care about is sex" (I believe you when you say it isn't) but that's like saying "How dare that starving man want food so badly?" Just because we can't feel what you feel doesn't mean we should insult you. You are a sexual you have an innate psychological desire for partnered sex, we really have no right to judge you for that.

I really wouldn't recommend breaking up (I am almost always an advocate for trying to find love), but a SUPER serious conversation needs to be had. Understand that other success stories are no guarantee that it will happen to you. And sadly you may NEVER EVER ask her but just you wanting it will make her feel pressured understand that. And the more in love you guys become the only stronger that pressure will become. Not because you are some asshole, but because she genuinely wants you to be happy.

I wish you luck, I really do. I like happy endings (I am such an optimist which is weird because my life is super fucking depressing), just understand we do not live in a fairy tale and not everyone can live happily ever after. But I sure would like to see it, you sound like a genuine nice guy.

Thanks a lot for this, man. It really makes me feel better and hopeful for the future of my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been discussing this matter over Skype the past few days and we're going to Skype again tonight. However I'm going to try not to talk to her about this much more for the time being, because seeing as we can't see each other for 3 months I don't want to dwell on something that nothing can be done about until we're together again anyways. I think it's most important that we just have fun talking to each other since we can't actually enjoy each other's company for the time being rather than fixate on something that isn't even a problem yet.

And I do understand that there is always pressure on her just knowing that I want sex with her, and that that pressure will only increase as we get closer. But I'm going to do my best to alleviate the pressure. I love my girlfriend, and my life is better with her in it than it was without. So I want to stay with her as long as those things are true :)

Thanks for the kind words man. You sound like a really nice guy too ^_^

[Lydian]

Honestly I wouldn't get my hopes too high if I were you. The power of love is great and all but as someone who's very sex-repulsed, I went a year in a great relationship before breaking down and ending it because I literally can't deal with even the idea of having to compromise in the future to make things work. It's not something I can do and be happy with and it's not likely going to ever change no matter how much I care about the other person. Obviously I can't speak for your girlfriend, but if she's repulsed then compromise likely would wear on her in the long run and wouldn't end well anyway.

[Guest]

Something to remember: If you do not ENJOY sex, or it causes any negative feelings, sex over time (even if you are OK with it at the start) can become quite burdensome. So, even if in a year she DOES have sex and she IS OK with it... a year later, she might be even more repulsed than she started just from having to have sex. So, when thinking things through, examine how YOU would feel under each scenario. Sex for a year or two and then celibate, is that OK? No sex ever, is that OK? Sex once a year, would that be OK? Sexual acts besides intercourse, would that be OK? Are any of these deal breakers to you? Etc, etc. Of course, you won't know for sure yet and neither does she, when it comes to exactly what you want. But, it's good to discuss all the options.

Personally, I am neutral. But, over the years, the more I have sex, the LESS I am OK with it. Others have expressed similar things. Others, become more comfortable with sex as time goes on. Others, are just meh whatever. Your situation can go any way. It's really just up to how she feels over time.

[~RedArcher]

Basically, if she says no, it's no and you have to respect that.

Being sex repulsed is difficult, especially in this overly-sexualised world, and constantly putting something she is disgusted by in her mind is only going to make her have an even more negative view on it.

[Platitude]

People have probably said the same thing on here better than me, but...

It really depends on the person, and the position at which they are at in the relationship. I've known non-libidoists which have had sex in order to satisfy their partners, but nobody who's sex-averse or sex-repulsed... I honestly doubt she will consent if she's truly sex-repulsed, and wouldn't get my hopes up. Have you thought about discussing the possibility of an open relationship with her?