Why are these the usual reactions?

[Lord Jade Cross]

I hope that this doesn't come off as insulting or anything, but I do wish to know why the usual reactions from sexuals to a person that says that their not interested in sex (they don't have to be ace) the responses that are given are:

1) Disbelief: I know its not what its usually portrayed in media, social talks etc, but why is the possibility of this happening not accepted?

2) Discrediting it: as in saying things like "there's no way you dont like sex, you're just being X"

3) Anger: this one really boggles me. I can maybe understand that in a exclusive relationship, stringing someone along and later surprising them with "no sex" can be rather angering. But what I mean is in the normal everyday life, why does the idea or the situation in which a person says "I don't like/want sex" causes such an angry retaliation.

4) Demeanoring: whether explicitly or implicitly putting down a person for sharing that they don't want/like sex? This also includes gossiping with the intent of humiliating said person.

I have had all 4 of these things happen to me at different times and while I have learned to fake it and just play along and say/ do things people expect, just to avoid problems, I haven't understood why they do this in the first place. Can someone explain?

[Archon]

I don't know how to explain any of these reactions. They don't make sense. I'm sorry that people have responded to your asexuality in these ways. Have some cake

Unfortunately, I've gotten these responses too. I'm particularly well acquainted with number 2.

[Amy Ghost]

I'd explain it by saying that humanity isn't particularly smart. People way too easily reject what they don't understand or is new to them, rather than keep an open mind. Way too many have yet to lern that

[Nowe13]

I can only admit to hearing two of these and it's likely simply ignorance or lack of openness that provokes them.

Found it rather funny but insulting to hear from the father to one of my female friends that they were in disbelief and thought i was doing it for "attention" and to get into her pants. Quite simply offended by that but then i heard that at least one of his friends pretended to be ace to get into someones pants.

I guess it's the same question as why are people homophobic partially. But simply put Ghosting just named it

[Philip027]

3) Anger: this one really boggles me. I can maybe understand that in a exclusive relationship, stringing someone along and later surprising them with "no sex" can be rather angering. But what I mean is in the normal everyday life, why does the idea or the situation in which a person says "I don't like/want sex" causes such an angry retaliation.

A possible explanation is that someone feels threatened by an asexual because they could be an example of someone they couldn't win over in the ways that they are used to being able to do so. Generally this sort of thing will probably occur more often if this person had some sort of interest in the asexual person to begin with.

In other cases, it might be indicative of the person's internal problems dealing with their own sexuality. Being introduced to someone that wouldn't have any idea of those such problems can incite an anger/jealousy reaction.

[Guest]

people are becoming much more open to asexuality, but for the most part, i think negative reactions stem from the way aces affect their world view. Many believe sex is the ultimate goal of existance. (which is just silly for a number of evolutionary and biological reasons but old theories prevail)

[Lord Jade Cross]

I don't consider myself to be attractive, in fact quite the opposite so I don't know how anyone else could find me attractive, even less sexually attractive . That kind of scares me too

3) Anger: this one really boggles me. I can maybe understand that in a exclusive relationship, stringing someone along and later surprising them with "no sex" can be rather angering. But what I mean is in the normal everyday life, why does the idea or the situation in which a person says "I don't like/want sex" causes such an angry retaliation.

A possible explanation is that someone feels threatened by an asexual because they could be an example of someone they couldn't win over in the ways that they are used to being able to do so. Generally this sort of thing will probably occur more often if this person had some sort of interest in the asexual person to begin with.

In other cases, it might be indicative of the person's internal problems dealing with their own sexuality. Being introduced to someone that wouldn't have any idea of those such problems can incite an anger/jealousy reaction.

I don't consider myself attractive. I don't see how someone else would find me sexually attractive its not like I'm a body builder or anything, in fact I'm quite far from that .

sorry for that repeated post.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'd explain it by saying that humanity isn't particularly smart. People way too easily reject what they don't understand or is new to them, rather than keep an open mind. Way too many have yet to lern that

Lol I've had the same thought for other subjects as well but I agree. I think it fits this one too ^_^

[Orchid]

I don't know why these are the common reactions either. But I do know that disbelief has meant that I'm now nicer to people who don't like chocolate/are vegetarians. After hearing the reaction "WHAT? HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTED IN SEX?!" (or similar), I now understand how it is to be a vegetarian and have everyone go "BUT YOU'RE MISSING OUT!!!" or "YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE BACON???".

Silver linings

[Lord Jade Cross]

Sex just seem to carry so may problems with it (in my personal opinion) that I don't understand why people flip out so much over it (or its lack), well apart from being ignorant.

[Platitude]

I think that people reject the concept of asexuality out of laziness. Who wants to learn all these darn romantic and sexual orientation? Demisexual? Panromantic?

Aw, hell naw.

[Philip027]

I don't consider myself attractive. I don't see how someone else would find me sexually attractive

I don't either, but it happens. How we view ourselves is not the same as how others view us. We are our own harshest critics, etc.

[Star Bit]

1&2) Because it's not the norm. Its as ubsurd as saying your alergic to water (which actually exists though its only a skin reaction).

3) I guess they take it personally/react if they were the partner.

4) People hate on what's different all the time.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I guess

I don't consider myself attractive. I don't see how someone else would find me sexually attractive

I don't either, but it happens. How we view ourselves is not the same as how others view us. We are our own harshest critics, etc.

I guess. Still I don't have the qualities of the usually perceived attractive males.

[Farlie64]

Personally I find it's because sexuals can't relate to it very well. A) society is conditioned to think that everyone (particularly men) are hyper sexualised, so unless you come into contact with asexuality personally, most people don't even realise it's a thing. B) Mainstream society is only just getting used to different sexual and gender binaries - this plays into a) because it's just not something they understand or relate to

[Nazgir]

I'll just speak from my own experience as a sexual whose partner realised she was asexual a year into our relationship. For me personally it was disbelief at first because 1) I didn't know much about it. 2) I was unwilling to accept that sex was going to be out of the question.

I've gotten over that of course, but when I tried talking about it with someone I trust, they went with the whole "But it's too early for her to fully know" routine and bordering on the "she just needs to actually have sex and she'll find out she enjoys it", which shocked me, and mainly because I didn't expect it from them.

So yeah, I can understand the disbelief, but the rest? No fucking way. Asexuality exists, and as I've said my whole life, someone's sexuality should not matter in the way we treat each other. Sadly it's something that's not too common it seems.

[Autumn Season]

I hope that this doesn't come off as insulting or anything, but I do wish to know why the usual reactions from sexuals to a person that says that their not interested in sex (they don't have to be ace) the responses that are given are:

1) Disbelief: I know its not what its usually portrayed in media, social talks etc, but why is the possibility of this happening not accepted?

2) Discrediting it: as in saying things like "there's no way you dont like sex, you're just being X"

3) Anger: this one really boggles me. I can maybe understand that in a exclusive relationship, stringing someone along and later surprising them with "no sex" can be rather angering. But what I mean is in the normal everyday life, why does the idea or the situation in which a person says "I don't like/want sex" causes such an angry retaliation.

4) Demeanoring: whether explicitly or implicitly putting down a person for sharing that they don't want/like sex? This also includes gossiping with the intent of humiliating said person.

I have had all 4 of these things happen to me at different times and while I have learned to fake it and just play along and say/ do things people expect, just to avoid problems, I haven't understood why they do this in the first place. Can someone explain?

Some older-generation acquaintances of mine have trouble getting used to the younger-generation's worldview in general. Genders, sexualities, attractions, relationships, lifestyles... All of those new things and theories suddenly appeared and they have to deal with them. Many choose not to deal with them though. Part of their reasoning is that something that has never officially existed for as far as they remember and know, cannot exist at all. Now society has become really "messed up" and it would be better if youngsters behaved and thought like people in the past.

Lack of the ability to adapt is what it's probably called.

On another note: Did you mean to write "demeaning"?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Not sure if its demeaning or demeanoring (English isn't my native language). But basically its the word to describe when others make fun of you or make it sound like your inferior to them. Like considering you less human or something.

[Prairie]

I now understand how it is to be a vegetarian and have everyone go "BUT YOU'RE MISSING OUT!!!" or "YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE BACON???".

I like responding that I do in fact love bacon, but don't eat it because of lack of trust in product quality (which is really why I don't).

I wonder whether a similar (untrue) approach would work: "Yeah, I'm sexual but nobody appeals to me. Nope, you/that person just doesn't appeal, sorry." At least they'd be more likely to just drop it, I guess until you reject "too" many people and then they start to diagnose you with some problem.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

I hope that this doesn't come off as insulting or anything, but I do wish to know why the usual reactions from sexuals to a person that says that their not interested in sex (they don't have to be ace) the responses that are given are:

1) Disbelief: I know its not what its usually portrayed in media, social talks etc, but why is the possibility of this happening not accepted?

2) Discrediting it: as in saying things like "there's no way you dont like sex, you're just being X"

3) Anger: this one really boggles me. I can maybe understand that in a exclusive relationship, stringing someone along and later surprising them with "no sex" can be rather angering. But what I mean is in the normal everyday life, why does the idea or the situation in which a person says "I don't like/want sex" causes such an angry retaliation.

4) Demeanoring: whether explicitly or implicitly putting down a person for sharing that they don't want/like sex? This also includes gossiping with the intent of humiliating said person.

I have had all 4 of these things happen to me at different times and while I have learned to fake it and just play along and say/ do things people expect, just to avoid problems, I haven't understood why they do this in the first place. Can someone explain?

Firstly, not all sexuals will react that way. I didn't, even before I knew what asexuality was (my girl can testify to that).

As for the reactions you have had...

1) some people haven't become emotionally mature enough to recognize that a healthy relationship doesn't necessarily require sex. I'm sexual, and I recognize that it's not a prerequisite, and I'm happy with the relationship I have.

2) that's just ignorant, and presumptuous. I would recommend you respond with, "Well, you've never eaten human feces before. Are you sure you won't like it?"

3) if the person who doesn't want sex hasn't been open and honest, then an angry response makes some sense. However, if the person just recently realized that they don't want sex, their partner should be a partner, and at least show a little empathy. A lack of sex isn't necessarily a death warrant for the relationship - unless one (or both) parties wish it to be so.

4) ignorance is a nasty thing. Judgment is, too. If they're gossiping about you because you won't have sex, then it's probably because they - erroneously - suspect you think you're better than them for it. Or they're interested in you sexually, and are expressing outrage that they can't get some of that thusly. Either way, it's wrong.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you've been subjected to such treatment. I get it too, as a sexual in a relationship with someone asexual, though I usually get pity and condescension. I ignore both, as I care little for what people outside of my relationship think about what goes on (or not) within our relationship and bedroom.

[allrightalready]

1 & 2 i try to look at and remember i had similar reactions when someone told me they did not like chocolate

3 it is the same when i tell a man i am lesbian, they act like my being out as a choice means they will NEVER get what they want as if they thought i were the last one alive. just a really narrow view

4 it is a type of gaslighting

[TheLycanthrope]

This is something I had thought about before a year or so ago, but in context to other things.

In my mind it boils down to 3 or 4 things: Society, Culture, Nature (and maybe some nurture).
For a species to survive it has to procreate, make more of itself. This is hardwired into all living things (as far as I know) from frogs to birds to monkeys to us. We instinctivley know, or later come to realize, that we must procreate. So if someone or something does not want to procreate it is viewed as odd because it goes against the hardwired desire to carry on one's own species. As much as some of you may not want to hear it, when looking at it this way it does make us outcasts and weirdos in a sense.

Society and Culture, and I am speaking as an American here, also prop up sex as this amazing and wonderful thing. On tv, in movies, and in just about every song today people are obsessing over love, relationships, the perfect guy, the perfect girl, and SEX. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX! You just gotta have sex 24/7 because it is this amazing fucking thing!!! I have had sex and I can say from experience that it is very overhyped, but because of the social and cultural backing behind it people desire it more and more and go back to it more and more. Perhaps they enjoy it more than me (hey, it does feel good) or they go at it for the love aspect/intimacy with their partner. For whatever reason it is something that the majority of people enjoy, whether in America or somewhere else. People all over the globe have sexual desires; millions of people are fucking right now I bet. And I can't blame them, it goes back to the nature aspect of things as well.

The majority of the human population has a great desire for sex, so when someone doesn't like it people just throw him/her off as inexperienced or that they don't know what they are talking about. Going so against something that is hardwired into us, the desire for sex and relationships etc., can mark someone as an outcast and weirdo which can lead to people throwing their rage and anger at you ("HOW DARE YOU BE DIFFERENT!?"). From all of this a reaction of disbelief, as well as the others, is easier to understand. It's as if the entire world liked something and you were the only person to not like it. You REALLY stand out. Am I saying that this is bad? In this case no, but as a social species we do need to be careful about how we go about this. Alienating oneself too much is very devastating, so be safe and be you when going about your asexuality. You aren't this weird freak because of it, but you will incure weird looks from others if it is out in the open. You and I are different, but that does not make us wrong or bad. Sometimes standing for who you are or what you believe in means standing alone. . . but standing with others can make you even more powerful. Stay strong. ;)

[Lord Jade Cross]

But that's just the thing. People say this is hardwired into us and yet it makes no sense. Humans are driven to survive, so if I were to say kill someone and then say it was a survival instinct that kicked in much like how sex is a survival method, people would say "you're a fucking psychopath" so how come sex is the only thing that's glorified and seen as right an absolute? Because it feels good? Anything can feel good to anyone.

Note in not saying that I want to kill anyone, its just an example of a human instinctual behaviour just like sex and if you deprive a human of food, water, shelter, you can be sure that if his desire is strong enough, he will kill another to satisfy those needs. I think Aristotle made that remark.

[Nazgir]

1) some people haven't become emotionally mature enough to recognize that a healthy relationship doesn't necessarily require sex. I'm sexual, and I recognize that it's not a prerequisite, and I'm happy with the relationship I have.

That's not necessarily true. It depends on the person. There's plenty of people around here from what I've seen who emotionally require some form of sex in a relationship, and I include myself in that, sadly. It's mostly the hyper-sexual people from what I've seen.

[TheLycanthrope]

But that's just the thing. People say this is hardwired into us and yet it makes no sense. Humans are driven to survive, so if I were to say kill someone and then say it was a survival instinct that kicked in much like how sex is a survival method, people would say "you're a fucking psychopath" so how come sex is the only thing that's glorified and seen as right an absolute? Because it feels good? Anything can feel good to anyone.

Note in not saying that I want to kill anyone, its just an example of a human instinctual behaviour just like sex and if you deprive a human of food, water, shelter, you can be sure that if his desire is strong enough, he will kill another to satisfy those needs. I think Aristotle made that remark.

Sex is seen and glorified above other survival instincts because it is the most important, arguably. Even if I survive till an old age if I die without children then my bloodline dies. Many things feel good, including sex, but sex is seen and viewed by many as one of the best pleasured. And yes, it does make sense that the idea to procreate is hardwired into us. It's one of the most important things for a species to do is to carry on said species! Murdering people is detrimental to the species survival, so of course it isn't glorified and seen to be A-OK just because the murderer may have found it to be pleasurable (not including war. probably a few psycopaths in the army).

And killing someone in regards to instinct would be in defensive measures. In many states there are "Stand your Ground" laws and there are many circumstances where a person has killed another who has attacked them and justified it by self-defense; these people are not seen as psycopaths. A psycopath would go around killing people for little to no reason-- there is a difference. I doubt that someone who killed another person in self defense feels particularlly good about it.

And to the food and water thing and going back to the beginning of where you said having a desire to procreate hardwired into us makes no sense. . . makes no sense. I see total sense and justification in someone who has been severly deprived of water doing some crazy stuff to get it. I may not agree with it, but I can see why it happened. Sex is a desire and drive that most people have, but it is not one that is needed to survive individually but to survive as a species, and is put above other drives in people's eyes due to it's importance. It makes sense.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I may not be in agreement but I'll take your word for it.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

1) some people haven't become emotionally mature enough to recognize that a healthy relationship doesn't necessarily require sex. I'm sexual, and I recognize that it's not a prerequisite, and I'm happy with the relationship I have.

That's not necessarily true. It depends on the person. There's plenty of people around here from what I've seen who emotionally require some form of sex in a relationship, and I include myself in that, sadly. It's mostly the hyper-sexual people from what I've seen.

I know it's not necessarily true. That's why I said "some people". Nowhere did I say that it was an absolute truth, as absolute truths do not generally exist.

So yes, it does depend on the person, and I stated - quite clearly - that what I have works for me. In no way did I say that it was the only way to be, just that it works for me.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm fairly certain that I will not have regular sex in my life time but,speaking purely theoretically, and of course momentarily taken out being sex adverse for a moment here, I wish I could feel this alleged hardwired program for procreation just to be able to get a better understanding of all this.

[Absol]

Lycanthrope, I agree with your interpretation on a purely instinctual level, but it's the fact that humans have evolved to think so far beyond their instincts that has me wondering, like Jade, why people react like this. I guess I can see why, when they are exposed to the idea for the very first time and are probably pretty surprised, that they might react in an extremely negative way instinctively, without really thinking. But to continue to do so even after given a detailed explanation with facts and examples does not make sense. I wish people would put aside stupid preconceived notions and use their brains. <_<

[Lord Jade Cross]

^ This. Also what puzzles me and one of the main reasons I say that it doesn't make sense is that if this procreating instinct was indeed hardwired, then how come I (and alot of people here for that matter) don't feel it?

I mean I can look at people and they can be quite attractive, like a case some time ago where I was having lunch and my supervisor came in as well to eat. A couple of minutes after getting our orders and sitting down to eat (we were in separate tables btw) comes in this woman, about early to mid 30's. She was wearing a tightly fit black china dress, with straight, jet black hair and a pale as the snow face. And she was indeed quite attractive, but in my head, that's all she was. I certainly did not want to jump the table, tear her clothes off and fuck her on the spot, graphically, bluntly putting it, which is ore than I can say for my supervisor who was 2 seconds from dropping the food in his mouth gacking at her. I thought to myself"dude, control your hormones, that's creepy"

Another thing that came to mind (pondering all possible scenarios). Lets say that this procreating instinct was present but that it only activated with certain people who are chemically/biologically compatible. How come I haven't felt it? I mean I have to be around alot of people (much to my discomfort) because of work and such so how come there hasn't been even a minute occurrence in which I have felt this innate desire?